What should a female "best man" wear at the wedding?
January 30, 2016 7:59 PM Subscribe
So my only friend is getting married this year and he has asked me, a female, to be his best man. His fiancee is totally down with this and all is fine. I would very much like to be mostly in charge of what I am wearing for a host of reasons. Advice required.
I hate dresses. Especially bridesmaid's dresses. Even classy ones. And it is literally impossible for me to wear heels--not only would it be dangerous because I can't generally locate my own feet in space, but I also have gigantic bunions and slightly deformed feet from overcorrected metatarsus adductus. I would also find it extremely embarrassing to explain to a woman that I've never met (his fiancee) that showing skin on my arms is a no-go because they are slathered with very noticeable scars from teenage cutting, burning, and a suicide attempt.
So, to that end, I have already informed him that I will not wear a bridesmaid's dress in the groom's color. He seemed a bit taken aback by this, so I think that this was their initial plan. I would like to come back with a suggestion that makes sense, is practical given my body issues, and would seem fairly normal to other people attending this wedding. I am short, 40, and a bit chubby, so I was hoping for a black suit with a shell or some such that matches the groom's colors.
However, I know nothing about weddings. The last one I attended was in the early 90's and I was in the bridal party wearing some hideous satin forest green and stiff tapestry concoction with dyed heels that made me literally bleed through my stockings. I think a headband with flowers was also involved. I'm sure things have changed since then, but I'm also pretty sure that it is still fairly unusual for a woman to be the groom's honored attendee or whatever they're called. So I would love some advice, fashion and otherwise.
I hate dresses. Especially bridesmaid's dresses. Even classy ones. And it is literally impossible for me to wear heels--not only would it be dangerous because I can't generally locate my own feet in space, but I also have gigantic bunions and slightly deformed feet from overcorrected metatarsus adductus. I would also find it extremely embarrassing to explain to a woman that I've never met (his fiancee) that showing skin on my arms is a no-go because they are slathered with very noticeable scars from teenage cutting, burning, and a suicide attempt.
So, to that end, I have already informed him that I will not wear a bridesmaid's dress in the groom's color. He seemed a bit taken aback by this, so I think that this was their initial plan. I would like to come back with a suggestion that makes sense, is practical given my body issues, and would seem fairly normal to other people attending this wedding. I am short, 40, and a bit chubby, so I was hoping for a black suit with a shell or some such that matches the groom's colors.
However, I know nothing about weddings. The last one I attended was in the early 90's and I was in the bridal party wearing some hideous satin forest green and stiff tapestry concoction with dyed heels that made me literally bleed through my stockings. I think a headband with flowers was also involved. I'm sure things have changed since then, but I'm also pretty sure that it is still fairly unusual for a woman to be the groom's honored attendee or whatever they're called. So I would love some advice, fashion and otherwise.
When a female friend was "best man" at our friend's wedding, she wore the same tux as the guys in the wedding party.
posted by smirkette at 8:10 PM on January 30, 2016 [30 favorites]
posted by smirkette at 8:10 PM on January 30, 2016 [30 favorites]
I would wear a version that suits your style and taste of whatever it is the groomsmen are wearing be that a suit or a tux or a sport coat.
posted by AugustWest at 8:10 PM on January 30, 2016
posted by AugustWest at 8:10 PM on January 30, 2016
Female groomsmen in suits/suit-esque ensembles are totally a thing! Here are a few photos for reference...
posted by Hermione Granger at 8:18 PM on January 30, 2016 [40 favorites]
posted by Hermione Granger at 8:18 PM on January 30, 2016 [40 favorites]
However, I know nothing about weddings.
You don't need to know anything about "weddings" - you only need to know about this wedding. So, ask your dude if there is some sort of color scheme. Remind him - he is your friend and may have forgotten to think about this - that you don't want to show your arms and can he please just tell his fiancee that's not going to happen.
You can absolutely wear a suit or suit-like outfit and whatever dressy shoes match and are comfortable (shoes can often be the toughest thing about coordinating your outfit, so don't leave that till the last minute).
posted by rtha at 8:19 PM on January 30, 2016 [2 favorites]
You don't need to know anything about "weddings" - you only need to know about this wedding. So, ask your dude if there is some sort of color scheme. Remind him - he is your friend and may have forgotten to think about this - that you don't want to show your arms and can he please just tell his fiancee that's not going to happen.
You can absolutely wear a suit or suit-like outfit and whatever dressy shoes match and are comfortable (shoes can often be the toughest thing about coordinating your outfit, so don't leave that till the last minute).
posted by rtha at 8:19 PM on January 30, 2016 [2 favorites]
It's becoming more and more common to have mixed-gender wedding parties (mine was - I had a best man and my brother stood up for me while my husband's sister stood up for him) and people are experimenting with tradition in all different ways.
If I were in this situation, I'd find a bunch of inspirational pictures you could send to your friend and his fiancee. Google image searching "groomswoman" brings up a bunch of ladies in classy suits.
posted by muddgirl at 8:22 PM on January 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
If I were in this situation, I'd find a bunch of inspirational pictures you could send to your friend and his fiancee. Google image searching "groomswoman" brings up a bunch of ladies in classy suits.
posted by muddgirl at 8:22 PM on January 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
+1 on a tux when my best man was a woman. We rented her one with the rest of the men with no problems.
posted by nalyd at 8:28 PM on January 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by nalyd at 8:28 PM on January 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
I don't think you are being unreasonable in wanting to dress appropriately for your situation. That being said, please remember that weddings are very often hugely stressful for the bride and sometimes for the groom. It's very possible that the bride is getting a ton of pressure from all sides about how the wedding should be. So, yes, tell them what you are comfortable wearing but stress that you want to find a solution that works for everyone.
Find out what everyone else is wearing. Ultra fancy nighttime long evening gowns and tuxedos are going to call for something different for you than if it's cocktail dresses for the women and suits for the men.
If it's cocktail dresses/suits, then muddgirl has it. If it's evening gowns/tuxedos, maybe look more for something like this, or this (obviously not in white though). Also check out Ellen Degeneres. She always looks cool and wears flat shoes. I totally hope you get to wear an awesome tuxedo for women - so many swellegant options!
Good luck! Signed, a fellow dress-and-high-heels-hater
posted by Beti at 8:34 PM on January 30, 2016 [7 favorites]
Find out what everyone else is wearing. Ultra fancy nighttime long evening gowns and tuxedos are going to call for something different for you than if it's cocktail dresses for the women and suits for the men.
If it's cocktail dresses/suits, then muddgirl has it. If it's evening gowns/tuxedos, maybe look more for something like this, or this (obviously not in white though). Also check out Ellen Degeneres. She always looks cool and wears flat shoes. I totally hope you get to wear an awesome tuxedo for women - so many swellegant options!
Good luck! Signed, a fellow dress-and-high-heels-hater
posted by Beti at 8:34 PM on January 30, 2016 [7 favorites]
I don't know you, but the picture that came to mind when reading this post was a woman looking super cool in a longish black dress ... you could do long sleeves or black mesh sleeves and ballet-type flats. Best wishes to you all!
posted by 2soxy4mypuppet at 8:53 PM on January 30, 2016
posted by 2soxy4mypuppet at 8:53 PM on January 30, 2016
I didn't have "bridesmaids" exactly, but my sisters stood up in my wedding. One of them hates dresses; she wore slacks and a polo shirt. No one died because of it. The pictures still look nice (why did so many people say that??). Most importantly, someone I love got to participate in an important day without being made to feel uncomfortable for stupid reasons.
Weddings can be stressful, but I don't have a lot of patience for snowflake wedding people. Your friend wants you to be there - that's what matters. Not whether or not you "match". A suit with a shell or blouse in the appropriate color sounds lovely with a pair of nice flats.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 9:08 PM on January 30, 2016 [2 favorites]
Weddings can be stressful, but I don't have a lot of patience for snowflake wedding people. Your friend wants you to be there - that's what matters. Not whether or not you "match". A suit with a shell or blouse in the appropriate color sounds lovely with a pair of nice flats.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 9:08 PM on January 30, 2016 [2 favorites]
Yeah, a lot of tux shops that do weddings can do, or help you locate, a women's tux too, if the other grooms' attendants are wearing tuxes.
Another option is a dressy black suit with a floor-length skirt rather than pants, those often look quite sharp!
If you want to tie in the color of the bridesmaids' dresses (or other groomsmen's ties), you could wear a tie yourself, or a shell -- or a pocket square, or a hair accessory fashioned from fabric stolen from a matching tie or pocket square ... there are lots of ways to make the color accent happen!
Dressy flats are so trendy right now you're seeing them in a lot of bridal parties (where it's more common these days to let the "maids" pick their own shoes as long as they're $color) even at very formal weddings, so I shouldn't think that would be a problem no matter what you end up wearing. (Even if the bridesmaids are all going to have matching shoes, you don't have to match them!)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:19 PM on January 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
Another option is a dressy black suit with a floor-length skirt rather than pants, those often look quite sharp!
If you want to tie in the color of the bridesmaids' dresses (or other groomsmen's ties), you could wear a tie yourself, or a shell -- or a pocket square, or a hair accessory fashioned from fabric stolen from a matching tie or pocket square ... there are lots of ways to make the color accent happen!
Dressy flats are so trendy right now you're seeing them in a lot of bridal parties (where it's more common these days to let the "maids" pick their own shoes as long as they're $color) even at very formal weddings, so I shouldn't think that would be a problem no matter what you end up wearing. (Even if the bridesmaids are all going to have matching shoes, you don't have to match them!)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:19 PM on January 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
I am so with you in regards to shoes. Check out the Toms wedding line. Basic Toms flats, but sparkly! I have three pairs that I wear for different occasions, everyone always loves them!! Be comfortable, wear what you want. Be you!!
posted by pearlybob at 9:46 PM on January 30, 2016
posted by pearlybob at 9:46 PM on January 30, 2016
A friend of mine's wedding included a female groomsman dressed in the same suit the two male groomsmen wore (while still having her long hair and makeup done in a more traditional fancy manner) . She is someone quite comfortable wearing dresses normally, but just wanted to match up with the rest of that side of the wedding party for the occasion, and it worked out nicely in my opinion.
posted by Pryde at 10:15 PM on January 30, 2016
posted by Pryde at 10:15 PM on January 30, 2016
Your idea sounds great to me. Just communicate with your friend and remind them about your arms and your feet. I think telling them about you suit idea would be great.
posted by oneear at 10:17 PM on January 30, 2016
posted by oneear at 10:17 PM on January 30, 2016
I don't know that much about what is considered wedding appropriate either, but you could wear a women's suit with a skirt instead of pants. I know you say you are "a bit chubby" and don't like dresses, but skirts can be incredibly flattering because they hide the outline of the ol' thunder thighs (at least in my case!). As long as it's not too tight (don't get a "pencil skirt"), I think you might be surprised at how comfortable you feel. Then the suit jacket will cover the upper body. Shoes, you can find some nice flats at like JC Penney or something. Most nice shoes do have heels, but you can find dressy flats if you look around and since you are wearing them once, you don't need to spend much. I also do not like heels. I do think you should probably match the groom's color if that's what he wanted so it's nice that you are reconsidering.
posted by AppleTurnover at 10:34 PM on January 30, 2016
posted by AppleTurnover at 10:34 PM on January 30, 2016
Another place to peruse options is in "mother of the bride" sections which always have long-sleeve jacketed dresses and pant suits, some in black, appropriate to a wedding. Some of them look "old" but plenty don't, and they tend to be a little more figure friendly for the hippy among us. (I gazed with longing at the MOB section last wedding I did where I had two kids and was ten years older than all the 20-something childless girls who made up the rest of the party and were cute in the chosen dress, intended as it was for youthful sylphs and not so much matronly mothers of two.)
It'll at least give you some ideas of more things that are out there as options. Sometimes you can even coordinate a MOB suit with the bridesmaid dresses, if you go somewhere one-stop-ish like David's.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 11:26 PM on January 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
It'll at least give you some ideas of more things that are out there as options. Sometimes you can even coordinate a MOB suit with the bridesmaid dresses, if you go somewhere one-stop-ish like David's.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 11:26 PM on January 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
When I started reading your solution I was coming up blank, but a suit (particularly a tailored one that you feel comfortable in) with a colored shell to match the groomsmen is an excellent idea. I would love to wear that as a maid of honor; it's so dignified!
posted by easter queen at 11:56 PM on January 30, 2016
posted by easter queen at 11:56 PM on January 30, 2016
Your idea sounds fine to me. During planning my wedding I got the impression that things are different now than they used to be when it comes to things that are just "not done". It's a lot more "Whatever works for all parties involved and is cute". I think as long as you come up with a solid outfit (what you suggested sounds great) you should be good. Yes the bride is probably under a lot of pressure and is stressed out, but you don't owe it to anyone to wear something you'll feel and look uncomfortable in. As your friends they should want you to be happy too, and if they give you a hard time about this then they aren't good friends - there I said it.
posted by bleep at 12:14 AM on January 31, 2016
posted by bleep at 12:14 AM on January 31, 2016
the dress that kadia_a linked to would be super cute with a white tux shirt under it and a little bow tie! and you could totally wear flats with it. I know you say you hate dresses, but if you get one that fits properly, they can be very comfortable. Especially that dress, since it is made out of stretch fabric, and has a full skirt. Full skirts mean total butt freedom! way comfier than pants, actually.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 3:27 AM on January 31, 2016
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 3:27 AM on January 31, 2016
My husband's best man was a woman. She wore a tux. It was awesome.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:25 AM on January 31, 2016
posted by DarlingBri at 4:25 AM on January 31, 2016
I think that sometimes women wearing dinner suits look like they're trying not to be women
Having a non standard gender identity, and dressing to match, is OK and not in poor taste at a wedding.
Having a very standard lady gender identity while wearing a suit is also OK and not in poor taste at a wedding, and if people want to be judgemental because they think you may fall in the former camp, those people can stuff it.
posted by emilyw at 5:29 AM on January 31, 2016 [22 favorites]
Having a non standard gender identity, and dressing to match, is OK and not in poor taste at a wedding.
Having a very standard lady gender identity while wearing a suit is also OK and not in poor taste at a wedding, and if people want to be judgemental because they think you may fall in the former camp, those people can stuff it.
posted by emilyw at 5:29 AM on January 31, 2016 [22 favorites]
I stood for my brother 25 years ago, and no one batted an eyelash. Honor attendants aren't anything new. In fact, the bride's brother stood with her.
The wedding was very fancy although not black tie. My SIL and I talked about some general rules for what I should wear, I went off and bought 3 little black dresses, and she picked out the one she liked best. Everyone was happy.
I'm not saying you shouldn't wear pants - you should find an outfit that's comfortable and appropriate, whether it's a dress/skirt or pants. I'm just saying you have more choice than matching the men if that's not your style, either.
posted by AMyNameIs at 5:37 AM on January 31, 2016
The wedding was very fancy although not black tie. My SIL and I talked about some general rules for what I should wear, I went off and bought 3 little black dresses, and she picked out the one she liked best. Everyone was happy.
I'm not saying you shouldn't wear pants - you should find an outfit that's comfortable and appropriate, whether it's a dress/skirt or pants. I'm just saying you have more choice than matching the men if that's not your style, either.
posted by AMyNameIs at 5:37 AM on January 31, 2016
I've been a best man, and I generally like to dress a little femmey when I dress up but also love menswear-influenced styles. I wore a knee-length black cocktail dress with a really cute tuxedo-style women's dress jacket with a nipped-in waist, and black low heels. I'd say follow your own style, do something tux-influenced, but jazz it up with luxe shapes and fabrics and whatever femmey accents suit your style and self-presentation.
posted by matildaben at 6:26 AM on January 31, 2016
posted by matildaben at 6:26 AM on January 31, 2016
My husband had a best woman when we got married 15 years ago and I had a man of honor. The man of honor wore a tux (all the other men in the wedding party wore kilts) and the female usher and the best woman wore dresses/top-skirt combos in the colors of the wedding, which were, obviously, the family tartan colors. I wouldn't have blinked an eye if either of them had worn trousers either. What I told them was "find something that suits you that you might wear again" and they chose their own clothing.
posted by immlass at 8:05 AM on January 31, 2016
posted by immlass at 8:05 AM on January 31, 2016
Nthing that I had a female groomsman, and she wore the same tux as my best man. She even went to the fitting with us, and the people at Men's Warehouse didn't even bat an eye. It's probably more common than you think.
posted by ralan at 8:37 AM on January 31, 2016
posted by ralan at 8:37 AM on January 31, 2016
I like the idea of a black tux-like suit with flats. Something that's a bit feminized if that's your thing. And you could always ask for a picture of the bridesmaid dress color to match a shell or blouse under your jacket to the theme colors.
posted by cecic at 10:43 AM on January 31, 2016
posted by cecic at 10:43 AM on January 31, 2016
My girlfriend wore an identical tux to the other groomsmen when she was in her friend's wedding. The store offered to tailor it to her, so that is also possibly an option.
posted by zug at 12:56 PM on January 31, 2016
posted by zug at 12:56 PM on January 31, 2016
I had a friend who wore a vest over a button-up and slacks when she was the best man. It depends on the formality of the wedding, I suppose, as this was a pretty laid back wedding.
posted by orangesky4 at 1:20 PM on January 31, 2016
posted by orangesky4 at 1:20 PM on January 31, 2016
Given that you're the "best man" I don't think too many people would be surprised if you wore a tux. And women can look really really good in tuxes!
The question is, do you want to read as butch, or like a girly lady in a tux? If you want to read as feminine, I'd say get your makeup done up real fine and maybe get a nice updo going on (if your hair is long enough). It'd probably be worth going to a really nice salon and telling them the look you're going for. If you decide to wear a tux and go for minimal makeup (or a "no makeup" look where you still use concealer and stuff) you might look great, or you might look like a very pretty 14-year-old boy.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 2:50 PM on January 31, 2016
The question is, do you want to read as butch, or like a girly lady in a tux? If you want to read as feminine, I'd say get your makeup done up real fine and maybe get a nice updo going on (if your hair is long enough). It'd probably be worth going to a really nice salon and telling them the look you're going for. If you decide to wear a tux and go for minimal makeup (or a "no makeup" look where you still use concealer and stuff) you might look great, or you might look like a very pretty 14-year-old boy.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 2:50 PM on January 31, 2016
I think the right answer here is highly dependent on the fancyness level of the wedding, but there is definitely a way for you to avoid wearing a standard bridesmaid dress given any level of fanciness. Some good options would include:
--Tux
--Women's suit, either with pants or a long skirt, paired with either a button down or a blouse in the wedding colors (for example, something like this)
--Long dress with either long sleeves or a jacket on top
--Dress pants with a vest or suspenders (for example, this, this, or this)
For shoes, it depends on what you're wearing, but I'd wear nice loafers of some sort with pants, and flats in a neutral or wedding-coordinated color with a skirt/dress. (FWIW, I also can't deal with heels and wore flats at my wedding and every wedding I've ever been in, and it's always been a non-issue. Tieks are fabulous and come in literally every color if you have some money to throw at your shoe issue.)
Finally, I would work with your friend to figure out the best options for an outfit, within your requirements. While I think it's 100% fine to say "Hey, I'm not so comfortable in a dress, and I'm DEFINTIELY not down with anything that shows my shoulders and arms, and for health reasons I can't wear heels", and then help them figure out options, the way you put your communication so far ("I have already informed him that I will not wear a bridesmaid's dress in the groom's color") sounds a little harsh. I think you can communicate that message in a softer way that allows everyone to work together to find a good option that will fit in with the overall style of their wedding (fancy/casual/whatever) and look amazing, while still helping you FEEL amazing. Basically this is just to say I don't think you need 100% control here to still feel comfortable. You can communicate your needs, offer suggestions, and then be flexible on things that aren't as necessary for your comfort (i.e. if they have opinions on heels vs. flats, the colors, level of formality, etc.).
posted by rainbowbrite at 10:25 AM on February 1, 2016
--Tux
--Women's suit, either with pants or a long skirt, paired with either a button down or a blouse in the wedding colors (for example, something like this)
--Long dress with either long sleeves or a jacket on top
--Dress pants with a vest or suspenders (for example, this, this, or this)
For shoes, it depends on what you're wearing, but I'd wear nice loafers of some sort with pants, and flats in a neutral or wedding-coordinated color with a skirt/dress. (FWIW, I also can't deal with heels and wore flats at my wedding and every wedding I've ever been in, and it's always been a non-issue. Tieks are fabulous and come in literally every color if you have some money to throw at your shoe issue.)
Finally, I would work with your friend to figure out the best options for an outfit, within your requirements. While I think it's 100% fine to say "Hey, I'm not so comfortable in a dress, and I'm DEFINTIELY not down with anything that shows my shoulders and arms, and for health reasons I can't wear heels", and then help them figure out options, the way you put your communication so far ("I have already informed him that I will not wear a bridesmaid's dress in the groom's color") sounds a little harsh. I think you can communicate that message in a softer way that allows everyone to work together to find a good option that will fit in with the overall style of their wedding (fancy/casual/whatever) and look amazing, while still helping you FEEL amazing. Basically this is just to say I don't think you need 100% control here to still feel comfortable. You can communicate your needs, offer suggestions, and then be flexible on things that aren't as necessary for your comfort (i.e. if they have opinions on heels vs. flats, the colors, level of formality, etc.).
posted by rainbowbrite at 10:25 AM on February 1, 2016
Oh, and there's lots of inspiration on Offbeat Bride on the "gender blind wedding party" tag.
posted by matildaben at 2:36 PM on February 1, 2016
posted by matildaben at 2:36 PM on February 1, 2016
I've been a best person before; I took myself to Nordstrom and got fitted for a black suit, which they then tailored. Got a pocket square in the same tartan as the groom's kilt. No one said boo, I matched sufficiently, and all was well.
posted by culfinglin at 3:14 PM on February 1, 2016
posted by culfinglin at 3:14 PM on February 1, 2016
This thread is closed to new comments.
If you specifically want to wear a womens business suit, or a men's style suit cut for women, say which.
I know nothing about weddings
People wear all kinds of stuff. Looks like they are doing the more formal options if they wanted you to wear a "bridesmaid's" dress.
posted by yohko at 8:04 PM on January 30, 2016 [2 favorites]