If a guy isn't ready to commit to me, should I give him time?

January 19, 2016 7:12 PM

I've been seeing a 23 yo guy for 3 months and been on about 14-16 dates. We haven't been intimate yet and he hasn't tried. He tells me he likes me and he's looking for a relationship. When I brought up the "what are we" conversation, he tells me he isn't sure if he's ready to commit. His reason is that he'd like to spend more time together and it's been hard since we're both busy with school and we see each other about once per week. I'm at the point where I'm starting to like him a lot and I'm just wondering if I should stick around or MOA. If I do stick around, what can I do to help him decide?
posted by missybitsy to Human Relations (24 answers total)

If I do stick around, what can I do to help him decide?

Sadly, there's really nothing you can do. If he's still not feeling ready to commit a relationship with you at this point, it's likely that he'll never be. Please don't take it as a personal insult but rather a chance to move on. I know it sucks, and wish it were otherwise for your sake! I am sure you are a great person and deserve to be with someone recognizes it fully.
posted by smorgasbord at 7:14 PM on January 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

School doesn't take up 24 hours a day. You both need to study? You both need to eat? Easy peasy. Hang out together, study separately. Cook together or order takeout, have a nice meal.

If you want him to commit to you, make words come out of your face. Say "I would like this to become a committed relationship because I like you. Do you want that, y/n? I'll wait a week for your answer so you don't feel like you're put on the spot right now."

Or, as I've said to you before: if the question you are asking us is one that can be answered by asking one person, face to face, one question... then go to that person and ask them that question.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:33 PM on January 19, 2016 [6 favorites]

No. Walk away.

Listen, you've asked 5-6 questions about this guy (including deleted ones) in 3 months. A good relationship, friendship or even casual dating situation should not cause this level of anxiety.

You are either a.) not hearing what he is telling you, or b.) he is screwing with you by sending mixed messages. Either way, it's not working out. Burn it with fire and run away.
posted by tippy at 7:34 PM on January 19, 2016 [45 favorites]

I disagree that if he has not committed already he is likely to never commit. You both have been taking it slowly and progressing at a slow rate. He is ok with that. He wants to get to know you more. He is not using you for sex or for anything else. He is 23 years old. I am not sure how old you are, but he is trying to figure out life still. I suggest sticking around for a while longer to see if you continue to make progress. If after another 2 or 3 months it is not going any further, then I would consider moving on.
posted by AugustWest at 7:35 PM on January 19, 2016 [3 favorites]

Oh wait hold on. This is the same guy?

The same guy, doing exactly the same thing he was doing three months ago?

Move on. This isn't going to change anytime soon.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:55 PM on January 19, 2016 [16 favorites]

He's just not that into you.

Give him the Angelina Jolie Test: Imagine that you are Angelina Jolie (or a similar famous, rich, smart beauty). The most attractive thing he could ever want. Now imagine it's been 14 dates and he hasn't tried and he's not ready to commit. Would his behavior still make sense? Of course not. So, to him, you are most assuredly not Angelina Jolie. Not even halfway. He isn't attracted to you and he's treating you like he thinks he can do better.

If they're into you, they let you know. They trip over themselves to let you know.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:01 PM on January 19, 2016 [36 favorites]

A relationship that's working for you is not a relationship that you have to keep checking with us about. Go find a guy who is awesome without question.
posted by bleep at 8:06 PM on January 19, 2016 [5 favorites]

While I agree with CPB, FFM, et al that this guy isn't that into you -- I hate to trot out the old saw, but have you considered therapy? You seem to be asking a lot of questions related to judging interest from the opposite sex and how you "should" do dating. AskMe can be a great resource but I'm guessing you might benefit from someone to bounce stuff off of face-to-face? Therapy's not just for folks dealing with mental health issues, sometimes it's great to have an impartial sounding board with training in helping you through things like this.
posted by Alterscape at 8:06 PM on January 19, 2016 [18 favorites]

I agree with the therapy suggestion, above, but mention to the therapist that you struggle with anxiety. I struggle with anxiety, and your posts suggest that you do, too.

Also, I'm sure this guy is very nice, but he sounds boring, actually. I believe the term is milquetoast. Who wants a boyfriend who is like meh, whatever, about you? Not you. You can do better.
posted by WesterbergHigh at 8:09 PM on January 19, 2016 [7 favorites]

Are you in college? Most likely, there are mental health resources with your health insurance. Therapy is a really great place to have a kind, compassionate, and also impartial observer who could help you sort out your feelings and understanding of needs. My therapist has helped me through a lot of hurdles, including some life stuff that was just confusing and I couldn't figure out what my feelings were, or why I was so anxious.

And I think this fits into that category...14-16 dates is a lot of time, especially in college time. I don't see why you two couldn't just study together if he wanted more time...it sounds like he is indecisive and doesn't want to state that he probably doesn't want to date you, since he might not want to hurt you and make you end it first.

Also, college is a time where people can see eachother relatively frequently, for any purpose, in proximity. I wonder if you could self-evaluate and figure out why this is such worth fixating on, and if it is really worth your time and helpful to your goals that you would like to achieve in college. Someone who wants to date you, should realize how awesome you are and be crazy about you, not be eh and indecisive like him. Move on.
posted by yueliang at 8:10 PM on January 19, 2016

If this is the same guy you've asked similar questions about since October, move on.
posted by rtha at 8:28 PM on January 19, 2016 [6 favorites]

When I've fallen for someone and someone has fallen for me, we can't get enough of each other. You deserve that. End of story.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 9:09 PM on January 19, 2016 [7 favorites]

I amend my answer above to I have no idea. I did not go look at your history of questions. This question is not as simple as just what is included in this question. I did not realize I should be looking at your Ask history.
posted by AugustWest at 9:11 PM on January 19, 2016

With all due respect, I think you two may be looking at these hangouts differently. You may see them as dates whereas he may see them as friendly outings. I say this because you mention there's no sexual intimacy and the meetings are infrequent; when he talks about looking for a relationship, he may not even be considering you. Being friends can be great because it means he cares about you as a person but, if it's too hard for you, then stepping away from the friendship is OK, too.
posted by smorgasbord at 9:58 PM on January 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

14-16 dates and he hasn't tried? Are you kidding? Please, do yourself a favour. Drop this guy as quickly as possible.
posted by Juso No Thankyou at 12:53 AM on January 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

14/16 dates and you haven't seen him naked yet? He's either playing you or he's got some problems to sort out. Whatever is going on with him you don't deserve to be left hanging and wondering. Run away and put yourself back on the market. You'll be fine. Good luck!
posted by james33 at 1:31 AM on January 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

If I do stick around, what can I do to help him decide?

You mean, is there a secret handshake or candle you can light or Cosmo-like tip that will "Have Him Glued to Your Side FOREVER!" or other intervention you could try that will make him do a Hugh Grant-like double-take and realize you were The One all along? Nah.

There's nothing you can do to get a person more interested. If someone wants to be with you, they make it their priority to be with you.

And after THREE MONTHS?! Friend, he HAS decided. He's decided you're better than nothing. and he's keeping his options open. Indeed, I would not be surprised to discover he's seeing other people.

But that's not to say there's nothing you can do here.

What you can do is imagine that a person from class is telling you about this guy; in fact, she has a concern about him every few weeks. He doesn't often contact her but manages to see her weekly and after 3-4 months still hasn't wanted to get intimate. When she asked him to clarify what he thought was going on between them, he couldn't.

You'd tell her, "OMG enough already! This guy just isn't that into you! Why are you wasting any more brain cells about this? Move on, sister!!"

What you can do is treat yourself with the same respect you'd accord an acquaintance and recognize that this guy doesn't really want to date and that's fine. It's not a personal reflection on you in any way. At any given time, there are billions of people in the world you're not hanging out with; add this guy to that list.

I'm not giving you any advice to dump him to find someone better because I don't think your end goal should be to FIND someone. Your end goal should be to happy in your skin and your life and have good times. You don't need a guy to complete you. Along the way in life you will find people who make you their priority.

But this guy? Sister, you are wasting your time with this guy.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 3:02 AM on January 20, 2016 [4 favorites]

When you're first dating is when infatuation is at its highest. He can't wait to see you, he's interested in what you've been doing in the 4 hours since you last spoke, he's trying to figure out how to combine doing laundry with seeing you.

This sounds like a dude you have to cajole into being your boyfriend. Hell, he's NOT your boyfriend so cajoling isn't working.

Cut your losses. Start seeing other people. You're not currently exclusive, so get out there and mix and mingle. Go to frat parties (the nice one's, not the creepy ones.) Talk to other guys in other classes, sign up for a dating site.

Stop being so available. Have other plans.

I am going to caution you against 'teh dramaz'. Don't go to his place late at night with tears in your eyes to tell him you're moving on, just do it. If and when he calls asking to 'hang out' tell him, "I can't, I've got a date." Even if it's a date with yourself to eat pizza and paint your nails.

Instead of auditioning for people, praying that they'll want what you want, start telling men what you're looking for. "I'm interested in being in a relationship, so I'm interested in getting to know you towards that end. What are you looking for?"

I hate to say it but most of the guys in your cohort aren't really interested in serious dating or relationships. I'm sure there are a few out there, but most are just trying to figure out other aspects of their lives and enjoy female company without any commitments. If this isn't for you, DON'T SETTLE.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:25 AM on January 20, 2016 [7 favorites]

It sounds like he is basically hanging out with you when he's lonely. It doesn't not sound like he is attracted to you, sexually or romantically. But, you know, there's only one way to know this for sure: ask him.

The thing is, though -- even if he is interested in you, do you really want to "commit" to someone who treats you this way? Is his behavior over the last 3 months making you happy? Is this the best you think you can do? Is this what you want? Are you getting the attention and feedback and responses that make you feel how you want to feel in a romantic relationship? If you don't like how he is currently behaving, why are you still hanging out with him?

posted by Gray Skies at 6:09 AM on January 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

The thing is, though -- even if he is interested in you, do you really want to "commit" to someone who treats you this way? Is his behavior over the last 3 months making you happy?

QFT and it's an excellent thought exercise to use throughout life. Let's say he is actually completely into you and his actions of the past few months is how he shows it, that this is how he demonstrates deep, deep affection. He's not into texting, hanging out once a week is plenty, and he doesn't want to have crazy sex. Is that what you want? Who cares what he wants?
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 10:33 AM on January 20, 2016 [6 favorites]

16 dates is a long time for no physical intimacy among people in their early-20s in many cultures. Unless he is staying celibate for some specific religious or personal reason, I think at this point it's safe to assume he doesn't want an intimate relationship with you. There is someone great out there who will want you the way you want them; go find them.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 10:38 AM on January 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

you can help him decide by leaving. he'll either try to get you back or not. then you'll know where he stands. but honestly, would you even want to date someone who couldn't "decide" until you were gone?
posted by monologish at 10:55 AM on January 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

Sounds like he is a friend, so go forth and actually date people who want to date you.
posted by rainbowbrite at 11:27 AM on January 20, 2016 [3 favorites]

16 dates is a REALLY long time to not have even initiated sexual contact. Are you sure he doesn't just see you as a friend who he hangs out with sometimes? Either way, this is clearly "he's just not that into you" territory.
posted by zug at 8:52 PM on January 20, 2016