What am I in for?
December 25, 2015 3:38 AM Subscribe
Those of you who have been divorced, where your spouse wanted to keep trying to save the marriage, but you did not. What was the emotional fallout like, and how did you cope with it?
I'm strongly considering the possibility that my marriage will end in divorce within the next year, and am trying to get an understanding of what I'm in for. While general advice is welcome, I would especially appreciate answers from those who have been there and can describe what happened, what it was like, and what worked for them and what didn't work for them, from experience.
How did you cope with questions and possibly judgment from family and friends? For how long did your life feel like it was in total upheaval? What did you do to be able to feel normal and grounded again? How did you manage knowing that you were the reason for your spouse's broken heart? How can I possibly ready myself for what's coming?
I'm strongly considering the possibility that my marriage will end in divorce within the next year, and am trying to get an understanding of what I'm in for. While general advice is welcome, I would especially appreciate answers from those who have been there and can describe what happened, what it was like, and what worked for them and what didn't work for them, from experience.
How did you cope with questions and possibly judgment from family and friends? For how long did your life feel like it was in total upheaval? What did you do to be able to feel normal and grounded again? How did you manage knowing that you were the reason for your spouse's broken heart? How can I possibly ready myself for what's coming?
It's good to recognize now that this will be a difficult journey. I would suggest that you have regular meetings with an attorney, a financial advisor, a therapist, and a spiritual guide (if you're into that type of thing). You might also want to locate a divorce support group that meets on a regular basis. With these pieces in place you're more likely to approach the complicated and difficult aspects of divorce with realistic and balanced perspectives.
There are so many individual factors involved a divorce, we'll have a hard time providing specific answers.
As for questions from family and friends, you're under no obligation to answer any of them, falling back on a generic "Thanks for your concern, I'm seeking the help I need to deal with this." should be an acceptable answer.
Most people survive divorce, some even find a life that is healthier, happier.
posted by HuronBob at 5:08 AM on December 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
There are so many individual factors involved a divorce, we'll have a hard time providing specific answers.
As for questions from family and friends, you're under no obligation to answer any of them, falling back on a generic "Thanks for your concern, I'm seeking the help I need to deal with this." should be an acceptable answer.
Most people survive divorce, some even find a life that is healthier, happier.
posted by HuronBob at 5:08 AM on December 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm in the reverse of your situation, but from my ex's experience:
Our mutual friends, and even some of his friends from high school days and such, were disgusted with him. They were reasonably polite to him for the most part (with a few exceptions) but did their best to avoid them.
His family were never told the situation; he just said it was private. Since they are good people and his family, they supported him, fully accepted his near-immediate remarriage, etc.
Getting remarried was his way of coping. He took on her friends and social circle. They both continued to attend events where our old mutual friends would be and acted like everything was normal. I think this was a fairly effective technique actually; most people tend away from aggressive rudeness, and not opening the door to that kept it away from them.
I don't know how he lives with breaking my heart... I suspect that he just told himself that my emotions belong to me and it's my job to figure them out, and distracted himself with a very high maintenance girlfriend.
posted by metasarah at 5:52 AM on December 25, 2015 [13 favorites]
Our mutual friends, and even some of his friends from high school days and such, were disgusted with him. They were reasonably polite to him for the most part (with a few exceptions) but did their best to avoid them.
His family were never told the situation; he just said it was private. Since they are good people and his family, they supported him, fully accepted his near-immediate remarriage, etc.
Getting remarried was his way of coping. He took on her friends and social circle. They both continued to attend events where our old mutual friends would be and acted like everything was normal. I think this was a fairly effective technique actually; most people tend away from aggressive rudeness, and not opening the door to that kept it away from them.
I don't know how he lives with breaking my heart... I suspect that he just told himself that my emotions belong to me and it's my job to figure them out, and distracted himself with a very high maintenance girlfriend.
posted by metasarah at 5:52 AM on December 25, 2015 [13 favorites]
This hugely depends on the circumstances. Are their children? Is there drug or alcohol use? Is their verbal or physical abuse? Divorce is really hard. Nthing you should talk to a lawyer and therapist and your spiritual leader to help s process a divorce. Your motivation for divorce really does paint the fallout though.
posted by Kalmya at 6:33 AM on December 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Kalmya at 6:33 AM on December 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
For me, going to marriage counseling—even though I knew I did not want to save the marriage—was worth the extra time and effort because it helped him realize that the marriage was not salvageable. Also learned basic communication skills that I had learned them earlier, could have saved me (and others) a world of unnecessary grief and nonsense.
posted by she's not there at 7:20 AM on December 25, 2015 [16 favorites]
posted by she's not there at 7:20 AM on December 25, 2015 [16 favorites]
I'm a year out from leaving a loveless marriage that he thought he wanted to save. I have been bad mouthed to anyone who would stand still long enough to listen to him. I moved out of the house because I knew that would be a battle. He's tried everything to make my life miserable, as his form of revenge, but I've come out on the other end a stronger and happy person. Some things to consider...make sure you have a GOOD lawyer. Mine retired halfway through after eating up my retainer and basically doing nothing. Therapy is worth every penny. As for family, expect sides to be taken. We have three grown children and one has taken his father's side and cut me out of his life, while the other two and their families have been very supportive, doing their very best to not take sides. If you aren't happy, it isn't worth sticking around in hopes it'll somehow work itself out. All marriages go through ups and downs, but there are definitely signs that no matter how hard you work at it that the marriage has run its course.
Good luck to you as you make this decision. Get your ducks in a row and then go. Be prepared for moments of deep sadness and some sleepless nights, but it will pass and you'll come out stronger.
posted by OkTwigs at 7:49 AM on December 25, 2015 [4 favorites]
Good luck to you as you make this decision. Get your ducks in a row and then go. Be prepared for moments of deep sadness and some sleepless nights, but it will pass and you'll come out stronger.
posted by OkTwigs at 7:49 AM on December 25, 2015 [4 favorites]
I'm the one who left, and my ex-husband wanted to stay together. Some of my advice is based on what I did and some is based on what, looking back, I wish that I had done. We had no children, so I can't offer any advice on that (you didn't specify if there were kids).
Yes, be sure you have a good lawyer who will work hard to be sure that the end results are as equitable as they should be in all ways. Consult with one ahead of time so you know what to expect from the process, the timeline, what your spouse may be entitled to, what you should and should not do in the coming months (consider things like joint debt, your home, pensions, etc. and discuss those with the lawyer). Prepare yourself financially in whatever way the lawyer suggests.
But on the emotional/practical side, the key here is to be absolutely, positively, completely and utterly, positive that this relationship is over. Being positive of this fact means that you're better equipped to deal with judgment from other people, losing various friends and contacts, and possibly losing tangibles (money, your home, whatever). If this means going to counselling with your spouse to talk about things with the assistance of an impartial person, do it. If you haven't been bluntly honest about the problems in your relationship, start doing that.
If there are lingering doubts in your mind, the prodding comments and questions from people will have the potential to eat away at you. If you aren't certain this is the right choice, the emotions of your (ex-)spouse will gnaw at you. Like any difficult situation, if you know the end result is what you really want, the process will suck but be manageable.
People absolutely did judge me - harshly, in some cases - and I did lose contact with people as a result. Looking back, those were people who either didn't know me well, didn't care about my happiness, were very much my ex's friends/family, or had their own issues to work through. It hurt at the time but now I don't miss them. I very much let my ex have his friends and family and didn't attempt in any way to stay involved with them - there wasn't much overlap, thankfully, so ymmv on that. Friends who didn't understand why I was leaving sought to understand, supported me regardless of their feelings, and have stuck around. What I knew was that being in that relationship wasn't good, or healthy, or happy - and while leaving caused a huge amount of upheaval in various parts of my life, it was worth it.
The upheaval lasted years in my case - because my divorce took several years. In the meantime, I tried hard to embrace the upheaval as being my opportunity to create a fresh start and a new life. Everything changed - from whose name was on the cable bill to my financial budget to how much money I had in savings to where I spent holidays. I worked hard to be intentional with my changes and choices. To be honest with myself. Financially I took a big hit from the divorce, so I needed to figure out my own priorities.
Depending on how long you've been with your spouse, you may be surprised to learn your own tastes / needs / wants - which is a fun process. You'll find yourself at the grocery store picking up certain things and then realize hey, wait, no one is going to be upset if I buy X and not Y... so I'm buying Y! Create new rituals and routines and habits. Delight in leaving the cap off the toothpaste or your socks on the living room floor or walking around in your underpants. It sounds a bit ridiculous, but it was one of the most helpful things I did after the marriage ended - breaking out of the routines we had created.
You can't control how your spouse will react. You can do your best to make this understandable, you can do your best to explain, but you can't make it easy on them. As you'll likely have read from many questions on mefi, it is infinitely more fair in most cases to cause someone some pain and sadness - and then allow them to move on in life - than it is to have them live in a marriage where they are not loved and valued. Don't expect them to be grateful for that immediately, of course. If you've done everything possible to work through the issues, you can let them go with a clear conscience.
If you are totally and completely sure that you want this relationship to end, you'll be okay. It'll be hard, but you'll be okay.
posted by VioletU at 9:18 AM on December 25, 2015 [21 favorites]
Yes, be sure you have a good lawyer who will work hard to be sure that the end results are as equitable as they should be in all ways. Consult with one ahead of time so you know what to expect from the process, the timeline, what your spouse may be entitled to, what you should and should not do in the coming months (consider things like joint debt, your home, pensions, etc. and discuss those with the lawyer). Prepare yourself financially in whatever way the lawyer suggests.
But on the emotional/practical side, the key here is to be absolutely, positively, completely and utterly, positive that this relationship is over. Being positive of this fact means that you're better equipped to deal with judgment from other people, losing various friends and contacts, and possibly losing tangibles (money, your home, whatever). If this means going to counselling with your spouse to talk about things with the assistance of an impartial person, do it. If you haven't been bluntly honest about the problems in your relationship, start doing that.
If there are lingering doubts in your mind, the prodding comments and questions from people will have the potential to eat away at you. If you aren't certain this is the right choice, the emotions of your (ex-)spouse will gnaw at you. Like any difficult situation, if you know the end result is what you really want, the process will suck but be manageable.
People absolutely did judge me - harshly, in some cases - and I did lose contact with people as a result. Looking back, those were people who either didn't know me well, didn't care about my happiness, were very much my ex's friends/family, or had their own issues to work through. It hurt at the time but now I don't miss them. I very much let my ex have his friends and family and didn't attempt in any way to stay involved with them - there wasn't much overlap, thankfully, so ymmv on that. Friends who didn't understand why I was leaving sought to understand, supported me regardless of their feelings, and have stuck around. What I knew was that being in that relationship wasn't good, or healthy, or happy - and while leaving caused a huge amount of upheaval in various parts of my life, it was worth it.
The upheaval lasted years in my case - because my divorce took several years. In the meantime, I tried hard to embrace the upheaval as being my opportunity to create a fresh start and a new life. Everything changed - from whose name was on the cable bill to my financial budget to how much money I had in savings to where I spent holidays. I worked hard to be intentional with my changes and choices. To be honest with myself. Financially I took a big hit from the divorce, so I needed to figure out my own priorities.
Depending on how long you've been with your spouse, you may be surprised to learn your own tastes / needs / wants - which is a fun process. You'll find yourself at the grocery store picking up certain things and then realize hey, wait, no one is going to be upset if I buy X and not Y... so I'm buying Y! Create new rituals and routines and habits. Delight in leaving the cap off the toothpaste or your socks on the living room floor or walking around in your underpants. It sounds a bit ridiculous, but it was one of the most helpful things I did after the marriage ended - breaking out of the routines we had created.
You can't control how your spouse will react. You can do your best to make this understandable, you can do your best to explain, but you can't make it easy on them. As you'll likely have read from many questions on mefi, it is infinitely more fair in most cases to cause someone some pain and sadness - and then allow them to move on in life - than it is to have them live in a marriage where they are not loved and valued. Don't expect them to be grateful for that immediately, of course. If you've done everything possible to work through the issues, you can let them go with a clear conscience.
If you are totally and completely sure that you want this relationship to end, you'll be okay. It'll be hard, but you'll be okay.
posted by VioletU at 9:18 AM on December 25, 2015 [21 favorites]
I have not been through the whole rigamarole, but I have been through a breakup with heavy family/friend integration so I wlll address this one:
How did you cope with questions and possibly judgment from family and friends?
You have to make a decision up front to be a very serious grownup about the situation, skew everything toward not making anything harder on the other spouse, face the music, and understand it's not your place to "win" this divorce. I mean, you don't have to let anyone take a swing at you, but if people want to believe you're a shit, or that you're walking away from a fixable situation even though you you know it's not, or that you're bad or raised wrong or your mind is corrupted by demons/video games/cheese...fine. Okay. They get to think that. You get to say, "I know this is terribly hard on Spouse/everyone," and you may need to duck out of arguments with, "It's not my place to discuss the details"* and at best you can only defend yourself with, "I did not make this decision lightly."
*Do not gossip ever, not a word. Do not explain, don't provide examples of why you left or how you know you needed to leave. Your spouse gets that right in the divorce and you don't. If you have a friend on the outside you can vent to, that's fine, but a therapist is better and guaranteed to not spread it around behind your back. You are responsible for putting your own grief support system in place and a professional is probably the best place to do that anyway.
This is also part of how you cope with breaking someone else's heart. You back off and let them have what they need from your community, you take on as much of the shit work (moving, being out of the way when they move, dealing with the car insurance and cable account and all that crap) as you can, and you accept that you are literally the last person on earth who's allowed to comfort them through this. The best support you can give is to not get in the way.
You won't die of people being mad at you, nor will you die of hurt. Nobody gets to go through life being loved by everyone 100% of the time, so here's your turn to learn to get real comfortable in your skin no matter what. In time, after the dust settles - and that's going to be very dependent on the circumstances, so it could be a few months or a few years - you will have lost some friends and changed the regard of some of your family, and you will probably have made some new friends and formed different relationships with some of your family because you have things in common you didn't before.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:05 AM on December 25, 2015 [16 favorites]
How did you cope with questions and possibly judgment from family and friends?
You have to make a decision up front to be a very serious grownup about the situation, skew everything toward not making anything harder on the other spouse, face the music, and understand it's not your place to "win" this divorce. I mean, you don't have to let anyone take a swing at you, but if people want to believe you're a shit, or that you're walking away from a fixable situation even though you you know it's not, or that you're bad or raised wrong or your mind is corrupted by demons/video games/cheese...fine. Okay. They get to think that. You get to say, "I know this is terribly hard on Spouse/everyone," and you may need to duck out of arguments with, "It's not my place to discuss the details"* and at best you can only defend yourself with, "I did not make this decision lightly."
*Do not gossip ever, not a word. Do not explain, don't provide examples of why you left or how you know you needed to leave. Your spouse gets that right in the divorce and you don't. If you have a friend on the outside you can vent to, that's fine, but a therapist is better and guaranteed to not spread it around behind your back. You are responsible for putting your own grief support system in place and a professional is probably the best place to do that anyway.
This is also part of how you cope with breaking someone else's heart. You back off and let them have what they need from your community, you take on as much of the shit work (moving, being out of the way when they move, dealing with the car insurance and cable account and all that crap) as you can, and you accept that you are literally the last person on earth who's allowed to comfort them through this. The best support you can give is to not get in the way.
You won't die of people being mad at you, nor will you die of hurt. Nobody gets to go through life being loved by everyone 100% of the time, so here's your turn to learn to get real comfortable in your skin no matter what. In time, after the dust settles - and that's going to be very dependent on the circumstances, so it could be a few months or a few years - you will have lost some friends and changed the regard of some of your family, and you will probably have made some new friends and formed different relationships with some of your family because you have things in common you didn't before.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:05 AM on December 25, 2015 [16 favorites]
I initiated the divorce, told my spouse I didn't love him...(found out later he was cheating, yes I had a hunch). My ex went through bouts of anger/hate, regret/try again, and then he took to running away from his children to avoid child support. I will tell you that it is hard, friends will leave but that's okay...family will judge but they get over it, it's not their business anyway. I can honestly say when it was actually finalized I felt like someone died.....I didn't expect so much emotion, life moved on and so will you, it's okay.
posted by irish01 at 10:08 AM on December 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by irish01 at 10:08 AM on December 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
I lost a few friends, but not many. Mostly my ex pushed people away. Mutual friends couples, I stayed in active touch with the guys and now I am the one invited to dinner with them as a couple and all the ladies sometimes include me in ladies nite out even though I am not a female or lady.
There is an old saying, "The dogs bark, but the caravan moves on." Just keep looking ahead and don't let the naysayers or barkers bother you. Work toward your goal of whatever you want your future to look like.
posted by AugustWest at 12:40 PM on December 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
There is an old saying, "The dogs bark, but the caravan moves on." Just keep looking ahead and don't let the naysayers or barkers bother you. Work toward your goal of whatever you want your future to look like.
posted by AugustWest at 12:40 PM on December 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
One thing to keep in mind is how invested some family and friends are in your relationship. The idea that something is ending fucks with their worldview, their comfort level, their certainty. In those moments they are fine with throwing you under the bus to maintain the world as they want it to be.
Questions like: are you sure, but what about the kids (if you have any), every relationship has it's ups and downs - don't leave it lightly, but you were just such a great couple, etc. And in that moment in the middle of your exasperation, and desire to defend and explain, and your wish that those friends and family were better at knowing what it means to support you, rather than say anything, take a long hard look at them and mentally ask yourself why - when you have clearly said that this is for the best - are they so invested in you remaining in a situation that you neither want nor need to be in, and does not enrich your life.
So I suppose what I'm saying look for and thank the friends and family that support you, and realize that you may need to end or limit relationships with those who do not. And if you do need to end it, it's not your baggage, but theirs, that will precipitate that need.
posted by It's a Parasox at 2:11 PM on December 25, 2015 [5 favorites]
Questions like: are you sure, but what about the kids (if you have any), every relationship has it's ups and downs - don't leave it lightly, but you were just such a great couple, etc. And in that moment in the middle of your exasperation, and desire to defend and explain, and your wish that those friends and family were better at knowing what it means to support you, rather than say anything, take a long hard look at them and mentally ask yourself why - when you have clearly said that this is for the best - are they so invested in you remaining in a situation that you neither want nor need to be in, and does not enrich your life.
So I suppose what I'm saying look for and thank the friends and family that support you, and realize that you may need to end or limit relationships with those who do not. And if you do need to end it, it's not your baggage, but theirs, that will precipitate that need.
posted by It's a Parasox at 2:11 PM on December 25, 2015 [5 favorites]
I was your wife, in that I was blindsided by my husband's cheating and-- yes-- I wanted to save our marriage.
How much judgement you will get will depend on your circumstances and what you have done. My ex got quite a bit of judgement, but he opened himself to it by asking our mutual friends to approve his life choices. (Wanted them to accept his new girlfriend openly before we had been separated more than a month, was very aggressive about blaming me, etc.) I lost friends and got a lot of judgement ("She's such a bitch." "How could she not have known about W?"). If a divorce is acrimonious, I'm afraid judgement is part of the territory.
I've said this before on AskMe and I will say it again: If there is no hope of saving your marriage, please don't give your wife hope in order to evade judgement of friends. Two months post separation, my ex suddenly agreed to stop seeing his girlfriend and go to marriage counselling with me, and I believed he was sincere. After nearly two months of sessions, it finally dawned on all three of us that he wasn't acting in good faith and there was a confrontation. Naturally he was still seeing the other woman; he had never stopped. He had only wanted to go to counselling with me to "help me accept the inevitable". He lied to me, to the counsellor. It was an *incredibly* shitty thing for him to have done. Do not drag your wife into serious and painful emotional work under false pretenses. Really, don't. She may still want joint counselling if she understands it won't change anything, but she gets to make that decision with her eyes wide open.
posted by frumiousb at 2:31 PM on December 25, 2015 [9 favorites]
How much judgement you will get will depend on your circumstances and what you have done. My ex got quite a bit of judgement, but he opened himself to it by asking our mutual friends to approve his life choices. (Wanted them to accept his new girlfriend openly before we had been separated more than a month, was very aggressive about blaming me, etc.) I lost friends and got a lot of judgement ("She's such a bitch." "How could she not have known about W?"). If a divorce is acrimonious, I'm afraid judgement is part of the territory.
I've said this before on AskMe and I will say it again: If there is no hope of saving your marriage, please don't give your wife hope in order to evade judgement of friends. Two months post separation, my ex suddenly agreed to stop seeing his girlfriend and go to marriage counselling with me, and I believed he was sincere. After nearly two months of sessions, it finally dawned on all three of us that he wasn't acting in good faith and there was a confrontation. Naturally he was still seeing the other woman; he had never stopped. He had only wanted to go to counselling with me to "help me accept the inevitable". He lied to me, to the counsellor. It was an *incredibly* shitty thing for him to have done. Do not drag your wife into serious and painful emotional work under false pretenses. Really, don't. She may still want joint counselling if she understands it won't change anything, but she gets to make that decision with her eyes wide open.
posted by frumiousb at 2:31 PM on December 25, 2015 [9 favorites]
(By the way, not saying you were cheating-- that was part of my story and not a projection on yours.)
posted by frumiousb at 2:34 PM on December 25, 2015
posted by frumiousb at 2:34 PM on December 25, 2015
You may want to do couples counseling, not to save your marriage, but so you both can work through issues with a neutral third party.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 3:37 PM on December 25, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 3:37 PM on December 25, 2015 [4 favorites]
Mod note: From the OP:
I'd like to clarify that we have no children, since the question has come up in the thread a couple times.posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 5:49 PM on December 25, 2015
In my case, I was a lot harder on myself than any of my friends were (to my face, anyway.) I didn't stand up for myself when it came to the logistics of the separation and divorce because I just felt so guilty. I ended up taking on the burden of living in and selling the house we co-owned, even though the location was much closer to his work than mine. It cost me a good amount of time and money (it took 3 months of prep and 9 months of being on the market to sell), as if somehow I could buy my way out of the guilt.
My family was fairly supportive, although they live far away and we don't talk frequently. I went to a large family Thanksgiving dinner and told everyone there; everyone was just like "I'm sorry" and "What can we do?" My parents sent me a little money to help with closing costs when the house finally sold.
My friends were/are amazing. Many of them maintained friendships with my ex as well, but as far as I can tell no one picked a side. If there was judgement on my choices, they kept it to themselves.
Honestly, it's been over three years and I still feel guilty and terrible sometimes. I think about my ex every day and hope he's doing okay. We went out to lunch a while ago just to kind of clear the air and have some closure, which was nice. He said he no longer harbored any anger towards me, and we talked a bit about how our lives are different/better now. But even though I'm sometimes tempted to text him to say hi, I don't, because I don't know if hearing from me would just make him sad.
Apart from the guilt, I also had to come to terms with how I thought of myself. I failed at this important thing that I thought I had wanted in my life. I hurt a person I cared about deeply. I felt selfish and weak, that I couldn't or wouldn't stick it out and make it work. There are still times now that I regret not trying harder before I called it quits. I am in a happy relationship now, but marriage is absolutely off the table for me because I still don't trust myself to make that kind of commitment. Maybe I never will.
I was seeing a therapist at the time of the decision to end the marriage and for a few months after. I highly recommend this. Even though I still feel sadness and guilt and like a failure, I can at least remember the techniques my therapist taught me to keep it from becoming too much.
posted by misskaz at 6:58 AM on December 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
My family was fairly supportive, although they live far away and we don't talk frequently. I went to a large family Thanksgiving dinner and told everyone there; everyone was just like "I'm sorry" and "What can we do?" My parents sent me a little money to help with closing costs when the house finally sold.
My friends were/are amazing. Many of them maintained friendships with my ex as well, but as far as I can tell no one picked a side. If there was judgement on my choices, they kept it to themselves.
Honestly, it's been over three years and I still feel guilty and terrible sometimes. I think about my ex every day and hope he's doing okay. We went out to lunch a while ago just to kind of clear the air and have some closure, which was nice. He said he no longer harbored any anger towards me, and we talked a bit about how our lives are different/better now. But even though I'm sometimes tempted to text him to say hi, I don't, because I don't know if hearing from me would just make him sad.
Apart from the guilt, I also had to come to terms with how I thought of myself. I failed at this important thing that I thought I had wanted in my life. I hurt a person I cared about deeply. I felt selfish and weak, that I couldn't or wouldn't stick it out and make it work. There are still times now that I regret not trying harder before I called it quits. I am in a happy relationship now, but marriage is absolutely off the table for me because I still don't trust myself to make that kind of commitment. Maybe I never will.
I was seeing a therapist at the time of the decision to end the marriage and for a few months after. I highly recommend this. Even though I still feel sadness and guilt and like a failure, I can at least remember the techniques my therapist taught me to keep it from becoming too much.
posted by misskaz at 6:58 AM on December 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
I was your spouse in this scenario. We each had our own therapist which was immensely helpful. I really, really recommend seeing a therapist now, through separation and divorce, and for at least a short time after while you figure out what you're life looks like post-divorce.
We also went to couple's counseling. I think it helped my ex, in that it helped him decide that he did want to put work into our marriage anymore, but it was extremely distressing for me because it gave me hope that we could work things out. Please don't give your spouse hope if your mind is made up. Also, know and accept that your spouse may be angry with you. I was (I am still!) angry with my ex, and that's ok. If he had tried to invalidate my feelings, that would not be ok. If I had acted on that anger in a way that hurt him, it would not be ok. So, don't invalidate your spouse's feelings toward you, but do maintain boundaries so that they don't hurt you.
In terms of friends and family: I had no fallout. My ex had no fallout with mutual friends and family. He did lose all of the friends who had been mine first, and I know that hurt and confused him. I also know that if he had waited for things to settle (6 months or a year) and then reached out that they would have welcomed that. Obviously, I don't know the dynamics of your friendships, but I would advise that if people are cold to you, give them some time and then try again.
Think about what boundaries you want/need. Do you want to go no-contact as soon as logistically feasible? Do you want to hear from mutual friends how your spouse is doing? Do you care if they know how you're doing? These will all need to be negotiated with your spouse, but it'll be easier if you know what your ideal is. In my case, I asked all mutual friends not to tell my ex anything about me or my life because I felt he didn't deserve the privilege of that information. I also had to ask them not to tell me about his because it was too painful. You may reach different conclusions.
Lastly, my life was in upheaval for about 2 years. My beliefs about relationships were shattered and it really broke me down. I am now in the best place I've ever been in my life, but I still don't know how I feel about marriage or if I can ever trust someone that deeply again. I am not suggesting it will necessarily be that long for you (especially since you are on the other side and therefore somewhat in control of the situation which I think makes it easier), but let yourself grieve and feel whatever you feel. (This is part of why I really recommend having a therapist through this.) My ex thought he had processed the end of our relationship before he left and that he was fine. He was not fine. Please process your emotions and maintain your friends and family support networks. You need them.
posted by (Over) Thinking at 8:31 AM on December 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
We also went to couple's counseling. I think it helped my ex, in that it helped him decide that he did want to put work into our marriage anymore, but it was extremely distressing for me because it gave me hope that we could work things out. Please don't give your spouse hope if your mind is made up. Also, know and accept that your spouse may be angry with you. I was (I am still!) angry with my ex, and that's ok. If he had tried to invalidate my feelings, that would not be ok. If I had acted on that anger in a way that hurt him, it would not be ok. So, don't invalidate your spouse's feelings toward you, but do maintain boundaries so that they don't hurt you.
In terms of friends and family: I had no fallout. My ex had no fallout with mutual friends and family. He did lose all of the friends who had been mine first, and I know that hurt and confused him. I also know that if he had waited for things to settle (6 months or a year) and then reached out that they would have welcomed that. Obviously, I don't know the dynamics of your friendships, but I would advise that if people are cold to you, give them some time and then try again.
Think about what boundaries you want/need. Do you want to go no-contact as soon as logistically feasible? Do you want to hear from mutual friends how your spouse is doing? Do you care if they know how you're doing? These will all need to be negotiated with your spouse, but it'll be easier if you know what your ideal is. In my case, I asked all mutual friends not to tell my ex anything about me or my life because I felt he didn't deserve the privilege of that information. I also had to ask them not to tell me about his because it was too painful. You may reach different conclusions.
Lastly, my life was in upheaval for about 2 years. My beliefs about relationships were shattered and it really broke me down. I am now in the best place I've ever been in my life, but I still don't know how I feel about marriage or if I can ever trust someone that deeply again. I am not suggesting it will necessarily be that long for you (especially since you are on the other side and therefore somewhat in control of the situation which I think makes it easier), but let yourself grieve and feel whatever you feel. (This is part of why I really recommend having a therapist through this.) My ex thought he had processed the end of our relationship before he left and that he was fine. He was not fine. Please process your emotions and maintain your friends and family support networks. You need them.
posted by (Over) Thinking at 8:31 AM on December 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
my divorce sitch was different from what you are describing in a lot of ways, but i do feel like i can speak to how you can keep yourself grounded and true to yourself during and after the divorce (aside from therapy, etc., which you should definitely do).
the biggest thing is to refocus your energies on yourself, as much as you can. it's not the easiest thing in the world and for some of us it takes a LOT of mindfulness, but if you are focused on you instead of out "there" you will come through with your identity as an individual intact. go back to spending time doing the things you love, the things that make you feel like *you* - for me it was art, meditation, gardening, my dogs, reading... the more energy that you spend on yourself, the less you spend angsting over the divorce (although it's not an all-healing salve, by any means).
posted by megan_magnolia at 6:33 AM on December 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
the biggest thing is to refocus your energies on yourself, as much as you can. it's not the easiest thing in the world and for some of us it takes a LOT of mindfulness, but if you are focused on you instead of out "there" you will come through with your identity as an individual intact. go back to spending time doing the things you love, the things that make you feel like *you* - for me it was art, meditation, gardening, my dogs, reading... the more energy that you spend on yourself, the less you spend angsting over the divorce (although it's not an all-healing salve, by any means).
posted by megan_magnolia at 6:33 AM on December 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
I can tell you what NOT to do. Don't be dishonest about what you're thinking or feeling, to yourself or to others. It's surprisingly easy to do.
posted by ostranenie at 2:25 PM on December 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by ostranenie at 2:25 PM on December 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
I was the one who wanted to save it when she left. Couple short notes:
1) She had the guts to end something I didn't. It hurt like everloving hell and I was a real mess for a while. But eventually I saw that she was right to leave. That brought me some additional levels of shame to deal with, but it was at least honest. Staying married wouldn't have been.
2) I was a mean sonofabitch through the process. A victim. I said a lot of shit. I made sure people knew who had the moral high ground. I wish I hadn't done that. I regret it.
3) Eventually I realized that it was the best thing that could have happened to me.
I am remarried and quite happy. Happier than I have ever been.
posted by Thistledown at 6:43 AM on December 29, 2015
1) She had the guts to end something I didn't. It hurt like everloving hell and I was a real mess for a while. But eventually I saw that she was right to leave. That brought me some additional levels of shame to deal with, but it was at least honest. Staying married wouldn't have been.
2) I was a mean sonofabitch through the process. A victim. I said a lot of shit. I made sure people knew who had the moral high ground. I wish I hadn't done that. I regret it.
3) Eventually I realized that it was the best thing that could have happened to me.
I am remarried and quite happy. Happier than I have ever been.
posted by Thistledown at 6:43 AM on December 29, 2015
I was only the second person in my entire family to get divorced, so it was a little weird for me. My ex didn't want to work on anything or improve our relationship, just wanted to plod along in this weird unhappy (he said he was happy, but he wasn't) state forever, I guess. It was hard to get used to just being alone all the time, it was hard to not have him to talk to about stupid little stuff. But I was so incredibly lonely in the marriage that it was the right call.
My family was supportive and understanding. I am closest with my Grandma who said, "I always knew he wasn't the right one for you. He is a nice man, but not the right one for you." This was good to hear because she is very Catholic and not a fan of divorce.
I was 1000 miles from home (as was he - he moved back home before the ink was dry). It's been over 11 years now since it was finalized and I still think about him once in a while (especially around the holidays) but it was the best decision ever. One thing I didn't think about was losing my in-laws who were a little odd but fun.
posted by getawaysticks at 6:50 AM on December 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
My family was supportive and understanding. I am closest with my Grandma who said, "I always knew he wasn't the right one for you. He is a nice man, but not the right one for you." This was good to hear because she is very Catholic and not a fan of divorce.
I was 1000 miles from home (as was he - he moved back home before the ink was dry). It's been over 11 years now since it was finalized and I still think about him once in a while (especially around the holidays) but it was the best decision ever. One thing I didn't think about was losing my in-laws who were a little odd but fun.
posted by getawaysticks at 6:50 AM on December 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:57 AM on December 25, 2015 [8 favorites]