Reverse stranger anxiety?
December 19, 2015 7:10 AM   Subscribe

Why does our baby cry almost immediately when dad holds her, but accept other people?

Baby is about six months old, healthy, happy -- unless dad holds her. Then it's tears, often within a minute, never longer than about ten. It's really stressful for all involved. We're aware that this extreme preference for mom happens, but the weird thing is that other people are acceptable for much longer. Generally it's about ten minutes with someone else before baby starts to fuss, and even then it is just fussing and not the full-on crying that dad gets. Some other and/or new-to-her people have held her for really long times and even gotten her to nap with them, which she almost never does for dad any more. And yes, we've timed it; it's not just confirmation bias.

Things haven't always been this bad, but it is something we've noticed periodically since the beginning and after half a year it's wearing the adults down. Especially because it's embarrassing to ask for help when dad is available to provide it but actually can't.

So what's up? How do we correct course? As far as we can tell, dad isn't doing anything wrong. However, he does have Asperger's and although it really hurts him to bring that up in this context, we keep coming back to it because his social responses do differ from other people's. But some of it is outside the context of engaging/not engaging socially; if baby is nursed to sleep, for example, she can be set down or handed off to someone else, but if dad takes her she wakes up screaming. It's really awful, and all anyone else sees is a sweet baby because as long as mom is there she's perfectly content.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (28 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
Does Dad have a mustache? Many babies are scared of them.
posted by lakeroon at 7:15 AM on December 19, 2015 [10 favorites]


Any chance she's reacting to a smell, e.g. a strongly-scented deodorant? That's the only thing I can think of that would also affect her when she was asleep. (Possibly diagnostic: does she react if Dad gets really close, or only if he's actually holding her?)
posted by cogitron at 7:25 AM on December 19, 2015 [7 favorites]


Is mom always around when dad is? Does baby cry hysterically at dad if mom is, say, out running errands and not available in the house?

This is really hard, but do be reassured you're not the only one it has happened to (one of my two was VIOLENTLY anti-dad for a while, for no apparent reason, and then just got over it for equally little reason).
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:33 AM on December 19, 2015


My hunch: I don't know why it started but it seems like it is stressing people out and the baby might really sense it. That I am guessing could really make it worse.

This often happens with a parent and people laugh it off and then it goes away. I'm wondering if because it lasted a little too long people's reactions became a bit frightening to the baby? If someone looks upset over this I think the baby will assume it's upset with a good reason.
It's probably pretty important how people around act when the baby is upset about this.

I would think making some really positive interaction times might be good. Perhaps mom and dad holding baby together in bed. One favorite binky or toy? Dad always has it. Doesn't exist unless dad is giving it to her.

Babies are weird and have arrived to make you worry, for like most of your life. My guess is if everyone is calm about this, it will pass as just a phase you'll joke about when she is 18.
posted by ReluctantViking at 7:33 AM on December 19, 2015 [1 favorite]


Also, a family visit to the pediatrician -- so your pede can watch the upset in action -- might be helpful. Again, it's not unusual and you don't need to be ashamed of seeking expert advice. Your pede might notice something in the interaction that you miss because you know each other so well, or might say, "Yeah, babies are just weird," or might have some ideas how dad can start having better interactions to coach baby out of a learned negative behavior.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:37 AM on December 19, 2015 [4 favorites]


This will change over time. There is absolutely, positively nothing to worry about here.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 7:57 AM on December 19, 2015 [9 favorites]


Is the baby ok with other men? My little sister was very anti men as an infant (and then became a true daddy's girl).
posted by semacd at 8:36 AM on December 19, 2015


I would guess that it's either a sensory thing (Dad has a certain smell, or rough/hairy skin, e.g.), or as internet fraud detective squad says, perhaps he's inadvertently holding her in a manner that makes her feel insecure. Sometimes young babies are ultra-sensitive to things we might not even think of. She will almost certainly grow out of it, very suddenly, perhaps very soon. Try not to worry about it. For now, perhaps Dad can bond with Baby by reading to her/singing to her while Mom or someone else holds her.
posted by RRgal at 8:40 AM on December 19, 2015


My hunch: I don't know why it started but it seems like it is stressing people out and the baby might really sense it. That I am guessing could really make it worse.

Yeah, it might have happened once, early on, and thereafter y'all might (unconsciously, of course) be tensing up a bit. The baby might pick up on that. It does go away, though. My niece would do this with her grandfather, but over time, with him just being in the vicinity more than other visitors, everyone seemed to chill out. I know it's cold comfort when it's the dad who's having this issue. But maybe, just being a calming presence in the vicinity of the baby will be good? He can sit next to you while you're soothing the baby or just cuddle with her while you're holding her. That could ease the stress. And definitely check out sensitivities to grooming products, clothing materials, etc.
posted by bluefly at 8:45 AM on December 19, 2015


Beard?
posted by bq at 8:56 AM on December 19, 2015 [4 favorites]


While I'm sure that it is fine and that things will change as your baby gets older, it sounds understandably destressing now. I agree with people above that it way well be an initial reaction that has turned the crying into a behavior that's continuing but can be changed with some help. How about setting up a few in-home sessions with a child psychologist or parenting coach who focuses on infant-parent bonding and has experience working with parents who have Asperger's. If anything, the professional could provide you and your husband with reassurance that you're doing nothing "wrong" and that the baby will grow out of it with time.
posted by smorgasbord at 8:59 AM on December 19, 2015


Baby takes her social cues from mom; so if mom is stressed out, the baby gets stressed out. Have mom leave the room and see if that makes it worse or better.

Children are amazingly sensitive to stuff we don't even think of. My daughter is pretty even tempered, but my husband and I have had a couple nasty shouting matches in our day and our daughter whined and cried. It wasn't until we stopped that she stopped.

She also got a snootful of water once during bath time and screamed and yelled for about a week afterward if I tried to wash her hair or touch her head.

My take-away: this will pass. It's really nothing in the long scheme of things. Tomorrow it will be something else.
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 9:02 AM on December 19, 2015 [2 favorites]


(Also came in to ask: beard?)
posted by kmennie at 9:38 AM on December 19, 2015 [4 favorites]


Breath? Heavy coffee drinking?
posted by srboisvert at 11:00 AM on December 19, 2015 [1 favorite]


Sometimes it just takes forcing the issue a bit. Both my kids were sort of like this until we took the action that unless I was nursing, dad had the baby. It was quite a commitment on dad's part because the baby cried a lot the first week, less the second wek, and then by weeks three and four started going to him easily. After a month we returned to our regular roles where I was/am more of the primary caregiver.
posted by vignettist at 11:00 AM on December 19, 2015 [1 favorite]


Is dad relaxed when he holds the baby? (Is mom?) If he stiffens or has anxiety about the baby crying (or you do), your baby might pick up on that, especially if the result of crying is that the baby gets to go to someone more relaxed in their hold. I'm guessing the other people in your life who ask to hold the baby are perhaps relaxed about doing so. Some dads (not all) have had fewer opportunities to hold babies or might be a bit tense about doing so. Or it could be that he's tense now that this pattern has taken hold. Maybe try being together on the sofa, with dad snuggled against you, and putting the baby on your chest, closer and closer to dad over a period of days, till baby is mostly on dad's chest. And stay there. Think of it as baby exposure therapy - but that perhaps has the same effect for all of you. See how that goes.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 11:03 AM on December 19, 2015


Sound / noise related, possibly? Apparently I would always cry when one of my grandmas held me, and I figured out on my own as an adult that it was probably because of her relatively loud voice / laugh (nothing crazy, just loud-ish). I still have a somewhat exaggerated startle reflex to sudden loud noises, and I'm pretty sure it was probably related.
posted by taz at 11:26 AM on December 19, 2015


Is it possible he is holding her too tight or digging in his fingers (maybe afraid to drop her)?
Does he cradle her against his chest so she feels securely-held, or does he hold her away from his chest, which may make her feel dangled?
What happens if Dad picks up a cat or small dog, or another baby?
Have a pediatrician or doula watch Dad hold the baby and give feedback.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 1:20 PM on December 19, 2015 [1 favorite]


The flip side of Chaussette's question: what are you feeling when dad is holding baby? Are you relaxed and happy? Is your voice or body communicating concern? Probably not, but it seems like the more likely issues have already been spelled out upthread.
posted by BrunoLatourFanclub at 1:27 PM on December 19, 2015


Horrible possible reason that I hate to suggest, but out of safety for baby, it bears saying, is it possible Dad ever does anything to hurt baby when Mom is not present? Have there ever been any marks, swelling, or skin weirdness on baby's body that Mom can't explain? Listen to your gut on this. If you have ever had even the smallest inkling, or if anyone else has ever tentatively suggested something to this effect, hide a surveillance device in the room and check for yourself over a period of time. It's an awful thing to consider, but it is both parents' responsibility to make sure the baby is safe, even from the other parent. And if something bad is happening, not investigating would be infinitely more awful.

One much more palatable thought: if Mom is preferred and present and visible, than Dad will is always be second-rate and baby will cry to get Mom instead. Maybe Mom needs to leave so the baby has no choice but to be with Dad- let him babysit while Mom is not visible or audible. If baby is upset and only Dad is available to soothe her, baby will love Dad more. If Dad is the sole purveyor of fun, food, and comfort, baby will love Dad more. My best friend's kid was a bit lukewarm on me til I babysat him for a whole day and put him to bed without his parents there- once I was the only possible source of fun and security, he warmed up real quick.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 1:48 PM on December 19, 2015 [1 favorite]


Why don't you try sitting close on a couch and holding the baby across both your laps. You would be de-sensitizing the cues that are triggering the crying by having both parents there participating in holding the baby. If the baby associates dad and mom as one unit, perhaps that might soothe the problem, or perhaps dad could trying holding the baby longer while mom is right there present. Just a thought.
posted by diode at 2:10 PM on December 19, 2015 [1 favorite]


I have a different take on this - maybe Dad is more sensitive to Baby's desire to be with Mom than other people are. Let's be real, lots of people hog babies and will hold onto one even if the baby is starting to fuss for its mom or dad. They let their desire to hold the baby trump the baby's desire. So maybe Dad got into an early habit of respecting baby's need for Mom, and now the baby has figured out that Dad will hand to Mom as soon as Baby makes it known? But Baby seems more ok with other people because of social conditioning to be held by friends or other relatives who just want to hold a baby, because Baby is used to them ignoring Baby's cues?

I think the only "cure" for this is plenty of one-on-one time without Mom around. 6 months is still really, really young. My husband does great with our second baby because he gets more time on the floor with her while I'm helping our preschooler do things. Our baby is pretty into Daddy, always excited to see him, but given a choice she prefers being held by me. You are on the cusp of having more to do with a baby then just hold them and make faces at them. Maybe leave the home for an hour during a wakeful period where they can play on the floor together, sing, etc?
posted by stowaway at 2:48 PM on December 19, 2015 [2 favorites]


Babies are weird. This will pass, so I wouldn't sweat it. I'm pretty sure something like this happened with one of my kids.
posted by jpe at 3:16 PM on December 19, 2015


To answer your question, "How do we correct course?" have you guys seen the Hamilton hold? I think learning this maneuver has the potential to break baby and pops out of whatever negative reinforcement cycle they're stuck in and turn it into self-hugging rocket-ship bouncy fun time, to the great relief of all. The video is short and gives explicit instructions on the key points to pulling it off. Hope it helps!
posted by Rube R. Nekker at 4:29 PM on December 19, 2015 [1 favorite]


My 4-year-old didn't like my husband for a long time. When he was a baby he cried all the time and I was the only person who could get him to stop. He would sometimes be OK with my mom, who is a true baby whisperer, but that was about it.

I also nursed him and I think that we had just gotten in the habit of me holding him all the time because it was the only way he'd stop crying (though, to be fair, he cried a lot with me too... just less :)) However, this did not stop us from having my husband hold him or stay with him while I went out or took a shower. Even as he got older he would be really fussy for my husband. Now they are besties, but it was rough there for awhile. I don't think it was that my son didn't like my husband - it was that he preferred me. If I left in his presence, he'd be upset but if I left while he was asleep and my husband would get him from the crib, he wouldn't be upset.

Also, sometimes babies just cry. I wonder if your husband is creating a cycle where he's tense about holding the baby because he doesn't want her to cry so then he's tense/holding her in an uncomfortable fashion and then she starts crying because it's uncomfortable and he gets tense and so on and so forth.

Finally also wondering about a beard or facial hair or size? My husband is a big guy with a deep voice that frightens children sometimes. My BIL has a very impressive beard that also frightens children sometimes, even his own.
posted by sutel at 4:36 PM on December 19, 2015


My kids figured out that when I handed them to dad often I was about to go do evil things like take a shower or nap. Whereas with strangers they were more like ohhhh what is this?!

Then full bore stranger hate happened.

In other words nthing that this is probably normal stuff that will pass.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:03 PM on December 19, 2015


Anecdotal story; a coworker of my ex visited with his wife and new infant son. Child was probably 3 or 4 months old. Mom let me hold baby (this was years ago, before I had my own children). Came time for them to leave, and I handed baby back to mom. The little guy screamed! I mean, arching back thrashing horribly upsetting screams! Her hubby jokingly took baby and handed him back to me. Child instantly stopped crying, just like a switch was flipped. It was unbelievably awkward. She took baby back, baby started to scream again, and they left.

Fast forward two years. We are at company picnic, run into same couple, with their now toddler. Previous incident is mentioned, nervous laughter ensues. Toddler is called over, sees me and latches on-he's got his little arms wrapped around my legs! More rather stilted laughter, mom's face like stone. Dad attempts to remove kid, and the whole situation repeats, only with profuse crying on mothers' part. These are the only two times in my life that I ever saw this child, I didn't resemble mom in any way, and my ex knew the family, there was no abuse or weirdness happening.

Kids are weird.
posted by LaBellaStella at 4:56 AM on December 20, 2015


Good question was raised above - what is your reaction during this time? My 6mo looks at my face everytime I hand him off to someone. If I give him a big smile, he relaxes and smiles and coos for the person. If I don't give him those cues, he doesn't cry but he isn't happy. The truth is, most of the time when I'm handing him off to dad it's either because I need to do some chore, or I am thinking about how irritated I am with dad because I have to do something that he has left undone. So baby is getting those negative or not overtly positive cues from me. It could be something similar is happening with your LO.
posted by vignettist at 10:06 PM on December 23, 2015


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