How to save my marriage

December 16, 2015 5:53 PM

We may be losing one of our children and we're having a hard time coping. My wife and I cope in very different ways. And it seems to be pushing us apart even though we love each other very much still. I don't know what to do. I've never lost a child. I've never been divorced. Our home;life is suffering. It might be better if we didn't have to worry about paying hospital costs, but I think our coping behviors are grating on each other. And we know this. But we can't stop it. We really love each other and we go to counselors, but for the most part they're for when you're not getting along with the other person. This. This is something else. Are there grief counselors for couples who also are marriage counselors?
posted by Smedleyman to Human Relations (13 answers total)

Your child's doctor should absolutely be able to provide a referral for a grief counselor who works with couples/parents of sick kids. As horrible as it is you are not the first couple to go through this and there are a lot of resources out there for you. Another resource who might be able to provide services or a referral is your clergyperson, if you are part of a religious community.
posted by telegraph at 6:05 PM on December 16, 2015 [2 favorites]

Ask your social worker at the hospital for resources - they will have a list and have seen this before.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 6:05 PM on December 16, 2015 [10 favorites]

You are losing a child. Now is not the time to consider divorce. Or for one year post child's health being resolved. Try to find a crisis councelor. They may also do couples.
posted by Kalmya at 6:43 PM on December 16, 2015

Seconding the advice to contact the hospital's social work department; they have seen this before, and will likely be able to offer either services or a referral. I am so sorry, Smedleyman.
posted by MonkeyToes at 7:01 PM on December 16, 2015 [3 favorites]

We saw a grief counselor when our baby died. She specialized in pregnancy and infant loss but also did couples therapy. She was...a light in a very dark place. It took seeing another grief counselor who was crap before we found the one who ended up being the right fit. When I called both I asked if they worked with couples, which I think is the way to go here. Find some grief counselors (through recommendations from the hospital or through online search) and ask if they also do marriage counseling. You may have to see more than one before finding the right person.


I am so very sorry for what you and your family must be going through right now. My heart goes out to you and your wife.
posted by teamnap at 7:10 PM on December 16, 2015 [16 favorites]

I just want to share my story with you. I haven't experienced loss on the level that you are facing, but my wife and I did have a significant loss one time regarding one of our children that caused us an incredible amount of grief. And although it's nice to think that these are the times that people band together and use their collective strength to get through things, it was really a spotlight on our marriage regarding how difficult it was to meet the needs of the other person when it feels like you have crushingly desperate needs of your own that have no immediate resolution.

So we were two people who hadn't felt pain on this level, and we were looking at each other from across the room, so to speak, or from different rooms, as we tried to manage some things on our own own. The grief feels painful, and it feels really, really lonely in the context of a relationship when you weren't expecting it and it's taking both people out of the game. I suspect this is why tragedy can lead to breakups. And to be honest, on some level this might be unavoidable if there just.isn't.anything.else.left.to.give.

What can really help with this is a neutral third party with whom to process some of this stuff and to help absorb some of the painful emotion that is hard for the other person to receive and respond to. That is why I would encourage your line of thinking regarding a counselor, and to seek out a good one who also deals with grief. This is what we found helpful, anyway, and it really worked for us in the end. But if it was up to us to navigate on our own, I wouldn't have felt nearly as hopeful.

Good luck to you.
posted by SpacemanStix at 7:10 PM on December 16, 2015 [18 favorites]

When you say "you go to counselors" do you mean you've gone to couples therapy in the past? One thing that you may find helpful is to pursue individual therapy to help shore up your coping skills and to work through your grieving process in the way that works best for you (including a safe space to be frustrated and angry at your wife). A good individual counselor can also hear you out and help strategize in your dealings with your wife. I honestly think that working separately with individual counselors has been more beneficial to the quality of my marriage than couples counseling ever was.

I am so sorry you are going through all this and finding your relationship to be an added source of tension rather than comfort.
posted by drlith at 7:49 PM on December 16, 2015 [1 favorite]

Do either of you have an Employee Assistance Program through your job? You may be able to get help or a referral through that. I know mine is supposed to have mental health and bereavement support services.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
posted by gatorae at 8:23 PM on December 16, 2015

A resource that I found helpful for grieving parents has been Compassionate Friends.
posted by HuronBob at 8:31 PM on December 16, 2015 [3 favorites]

If your community has a hospice program, I'd start there in addition to asking your doctors. Our community's non-profit hospice program offers a great deal of services in addition to actual end-of-life medical care. For example, they offer free grief counseling and support groups to people dealing with loss. They've been a great resource for a friend who lost her daughter last year (and, unfortunately, is now going through a divorce), and I'm so grateful they're around. They have family resources, too, that your other child(ren) could access because I can imagine they're really hurting, too.

If you are OK with sharing your location, we can look up local resources for you. I'm so sorry to hear your child's illness and the distance you and your wife are experiencing. It is very understandable and common for such a distance to grow while you are so busy caring for your sick child, your other children, every day life needs as well as the grief that comes with it all. I think it's laudable that you're reflecting and open to starting to bridge the gap now. However, I think it's also OK to take a bit of a time out if necessary: express your mutual commitment to the children and each other but really allow yourselves to focus on your child(ren) right now. That said, maybe you could just try short periods of time together without talking, such as just sitting next to each other holding hands for ten minutes and then going back to taking care of other needs. Sometimes talking about things right now is the best solution and sometimes permitting yourself to not add it to your list of stressors. (Of course, if you two haven't discussed this at all yet, then I'd do that as soon as possible just to get it out there since you're likely both feeling it. Just acknowledging it might be a relief.) I wish you all much love and support right now, and really think that things can work out for you and your wife.
posted by smorgasbord at 9:34 PM on December 16, 2015 [3 favorites]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Yes, there are absolutely counselors who work with families and couples in your situation.

I want to add that from your phrasing, it seems you have more than one child. If that's true, I hope you're ensuring they're also getting therapeutic support. In the same way that your marriage is shaking right now, so is their sense of family. Having a critically ill sibling is an incredibly had thing to deal with. Add to the mix that they see their parents suffering (which is of course completely normal but can be addressed).

For their sake, you and your wife must agree to take any divorce discussion off the table for at least a year or two. Additionally, as you two commit to staying together for at least two years, you may find that it opens a sort of safety valve that will release tension.

Again, I'm so sorry.
posted by kinetic at 2:36 AM on December 17, 2015 [4 favorites]

There is a group for parents who have lost a child. Compassionate Friends. There may be a support group that meets in your area.

I'm so sorry; this must be so very hard.
posted by theora55 at 2:25 PM on December 17, 2015 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Yes, we've gone to couples counseling. Not like this though.
posted by Smedleyman at 8:17 AM on December 30, 2015