Anonymous cash gift is OK, right?

December 14, 2015 8:20 AM

The local Chinese place has a "closed for repairs" sign up. I want to brighten the proprietor's day by slipping an anonymous cash gift in the mail slot. But I don't want to make any cultural mis-steps. Guide me, mefites.

The proprietor is a single lady about whom I know nothing other than she lives (alone I think) above the shop. She does not mix in the community and seems to speak very limited English. I think having the shop closed for repairs has got to be tough, and I want to help out just a bit.
I have read this answer about tipping a Chinese employee and have gathered that a plain red envelope with five crisp twenties should be OK. But I have questions:
1. Is a red envelope still appropriate when this is not a "gifting" or celebratory occasion?
2. Are anonymous gifts welcome and not bad luck or condescending or something?
3. I feel I should include a short note. What should it say? "Best wishes for speedy repairs?"

posted by evilmomlady to Work & Money (15 answers total)

Best answer: I can't answer the cultural context of the first 2 questions, but for #3, you should definitely include a note. No matter what the gift-wrapping was, I would be weirded out if money just appeared, and I'd start hinting/asking among my friends if anybody knew what was up. I think you should be a bit more clear that you're just some guy being nice and you don't expect anything nor do you really know each other. "I have always enjoyed the $restaurantname food and I look forward to your reopening. Best wishes for your repairs! - a loyal customer"
posted by aimedwander at 8:42 AM on December 14, 2015 [6 favorites]

Best answer: I am a single lady who has received a few anonymous gifts over the years, and they all freak me out. I immediately wonder who's been watching me, what message they're trying to send, if it's an ex, if it's a mentally ill acquaintance, and so on. I turn it over and over in my head for weeks and it is in no way fun. I'd still be bothered if I were partnered/roommated, but it's worse when I live alone. I therefore strongly recommend leaving a note that includes who you are ("the lady who stops in for vegetable fried rice every Friday") if you do this.
posted by vegartanipla at 8:44 AM on December 14, 2015 [6 favorites]

Best answer: If the restaurant is closed for repairs, then wouldn't the mail be redirected? I think you'd be better off waiting until the reopening and leaving an extravagant "so glad you're back" tip and/or gifting the owner personally than to try to do something anonymously, seems too likely to backfire. Even if the repair crew are all perfectly honest, if the envelope lands in rubble on the other side of the mail slot it could be mistaken for garbage junk mail and thrown into a dumpster with the rest of the day's detritus.
posted by oh yeah! at 8:53 AM on December 14, 2015 [23 favorites]

I dunno. How do you know that it will go to the proprietor and not one of the builders? Perhaps she's giving up the restaurant and the new owners are re-doing the space for their new place.

If you were close, knew her name and address and could be sure that the place is truly closed and that she's in financial hardship, then a gift of cash would be appropriate. I'm just not sanguine about this approach.

Anecdata: Our favorite Chinese place decided to close and move. The owner asked me to write descriptions of the Authentic Chinese dishes for the English side of the menu. He invited us to come with our friends so that we could tell him what would and wouldn't appeal to non-Chinese people. We kept in touch via email and phone during the time he closed the old place, bought a new place, refurbished and opened the new place. I am pretty sure he spent hundreds of thousands of dollars. He made a calculated business decision to move the restaurant. Hell, we're traveling 15 miles every week to eat there and it's pretty full whenever we do.

My point. You don't know what her financial situation is, or what the situation is at all.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:55 AM on December 14, 2015 [3 favorites]

Best answer: And on review: I wouldn't be satisfied with "a loyal customer" like suggested above as an answer that could absolve my fears. You have no idea what's gone on in her life - i.e. if she has a stalker or one or two really creepy customers whose expectations of her are not worth any amount of money. I think you should fully identify yourself if you go ahead with this plan.
posted by vegartanipla at 8:57 AM on December 14, 2015 [3 favorites]

Best answer: I'm a guy and I would freak the hell out if random anonymous gifts appeared. I figure a woman would, with very good reason, be even more concerned.

This seems like a poor idea on multiple levels: it's assuming she's struggling financially when she may well not be, you have no way of knowing if the money gets to her, etc. Better bet is to wait for the moment the place reopens, and be all "oh I am SO GLAD you're open again! let me spend lots of money here," which shows support for the business as opposed to possibly unwanted personal attention.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:17 AM on December 14, 2015 [3 favorites]

And side note, "closed for repairs" is frequently restaurant code for "closed, finished, over." It may not always start that way, but repairs get expensive quickly and sometimes it's enough to kill the business.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:23 AM on December 14, 2015 [10 favorites]

Best answer: I don't know about the cultural side to this but I don't thint that if you're feeling generous you should stop yourself out of fear of creating an awkward situation. But definetly yes to sending along a note so that she is not freaked out. Maybe something like "your food makes me feel happy every time I visit your restaurant, hope you are able to open up again soon. Please accept my gift to you for the gratitude I feel for all your hard work."
posted by CrazyLemonade at 10:25 AM on December 14, 2015

I think that's really nice, but do you happen to have any Chinese speaking friends who can help write the note for you? On a bonus-side, they may be plugged into the community so they know what is going on with the restaurants.

I hope it isn't closed - our favorite restaurant was 'closed for repairs' and it ended up being replaced with a whole new restaurant a month later. It's been a few years and my mom and I are still fairly sad about it.
posted by yueliang at 10:43 AM on December 14, 2015 [2 favorites]

I love your impulse here! I have to Nth the recommendations not to leave money this way, though. I'd say that even if the owner weren't a single woman. But especially given that she is, it's really likely to mean confusion and possibly distress for her. Also, I'm surprised nobody has mentioned: it's quite possible a random envelope of cash left in the mail slot would not get into her hands but would stay with whoever's onsite and found it.
posted by kalapierson at 10:47 AM on December 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: (One thing you could do that would have $$-value would be to leave heartfelt good reviews for the restaurant on any relevant review sites)
posted by kalapierson at 10:49 AM on December 14, 2015

And side note, "closed for repairs" is frequently restaurant code for "closed, finished, over." It may not always start that way, but repairs get expensive quickly and sometimes it's enough to kill the business.

Why not just wait until the place re-opens. Walk in and spend the equivalent of your cash gift on dinner with friends.
posted by John Borrowman at 2:50 PM on December 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

Yeah, I can't tell you how many times I've seen "closed for repairs" signs on (especially) Asian restaurants that never re-opened. It's a way of "saving face", and you should wait until the unlikely event that it actually reopens before getting generous.
posted by telstar at 6:28 AM on December 15, 2015

Response by poster: Sadness. OK, I will wait until it reopens then let her know how happy we are to see her again, and quietly leave bigger tips. I had wanted her to know someone cared in the meantime, and help with the revenue gap in a small way regardless of her circumstances and whether she ever reopens, but I see that's fraught with potential problems. I knew there was a reason I felt I had to ask. Thanks everybody.

I do think she'll be back. The "closed for repairs" note includes an explanation in Chinese and rough English using the word "stoveblack" which is a synonym for "soot" and therefore I think probably something to do with the ventillation hoods. But we'll see.
posted by evilmomlady at 1:59 PM on December 15, 2015

The only way you'd need to close for repairs for the hoods is if you have literally never cleaned them, they're clogged, and you've either jammed up the ductwork or burned out the motor in the extraction fans. Regular maintenance cleaning of hoods is a 1x/month thing at most, depending on exactly how much smoke (and what my chef calls "the sweat of a thousand hamburgers") you're putting into them. The steakhouse I worked at (lots of grilling = lots of smoke) was every two weeks, for comparison.

So for me, unless there's something else that didn't quite make the translation, that's a restaurant I wouldn't patronize again, because their basic kitchen maintenance is terrible, which would make me very worried about the quality and safety of the food. (This has nothing to do with hurf durf foreign food nonsense, just basic kitchen sanitation).

It's possible they're having the hoods entirely replaced, but if that's due to buildup, then again: nope, not eating there. The other possibility is that the extractor fully died, which may or may not be indicative of other problems.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 2:13 PM on December 15, 2015