is this a bad idea?
December 3, 2015 11:57 AM Subscribe
Nearly 20 years ago I suspected that my father was having an affair. Now the woman who I suspected as his mistress has been stalking my LinkedIn profile and curiosity is killing the cat.
My mother was ill for most of my childhood and passed away 18 years ago. Towards the end of her illness I suspected that my dad might be having an affair with a colleague, based on how often he seemed to bring her up in conversation out of the blue with no provocation. I was about 8 or 9 years old at the time so I don't know if I fully was able to conceptualize what an affair was, but I sensed something was weird. The one time I asked my dad why he kept talking about this lady all the time he lost his shit and screamed that it was none of my business who he spent time with. So, that kind of confirmed in my head that this was a sensitive topic.
We moved to a different city, my mom passed away, I never heard him speak about this woman ever again and for many years kinda forgot about this whole thing.
Now last month I was noodling around on LinkedIn and saw that this very woman has been looking at my profile. I'm sure it's her, both because of her name and the fact that she is connected on LinkedIn to my father and it would just be a bizarre coincidence if she was some other woman with the exact same name. Over the past few weeks it seems she keeps looking at my profile. Like, she looks at it at least every 3-4 days. Now it has piqued my curiosity and I keep having to restrain myself from messaging her something to the effect of "My dad used to talk about you a lot but I never knew who you were, what's the deal?"
I have a strained relationship with my father due to a lot of unrelated reasons, but even if we were on good terms I don't think we'd ever be able to have an honest conversation about this. At the end of the day I don't know how much of a difference it would make to me personally if I were to have my suspicion confirmed - it was so long ago, and my mother is long dead. Though at the same time, if my hunch is correct, it would make me very sad on my mother's behalf that he was having an affair while she was battling cancer, and I think maybe I would kind of feel like it was a good thing for me to know. Like I would be sticking up for my mom somehow by having the knowledge. Is that weird?
If I were to contact this woman to get more information and it turns out my suspicion was correct, I have no intention or desire to confront my dad about it. Again, mom is long gone, and I don't actually enjoy fighting with him. This would just be to close the loop on something that I've I guess stored in the background of my mind since I was little.
What do you think Mefites? I wouldn't even be thinking about this woman if she hadn't started obviously sniffing around my LinkedIn profile. Should I let sleeping dogs lie or should I see if I can find out more by contacting her?
My mother was ill for most of my childhood and passed away 18 years ago. Towards the end of her illness I suspected that my dad might be having an affair with a colleague, based on how often he seemed to bring her up in conversation out of the blue with no provocation. I was about 8 or 9 years old at the time so I don't know if I fully was able to conceptualize what an affair was, but I sensed something was weird. The one time I asked my dad why he kept talking about this lady all the time he lost his shit and screamed that it was none of my business who he spent time with. So, that kind of confirmed in my head that this was a sensitive topic.
We moved to a different city, my mom passed away, I never heard him speak about this woman ever again and for many years kinda forgot about this whole thing.
Now last month I was noodling around on LinkedIn and saw that this very woman has been looking at my profile. I'm sure it's her, both because of her name and the fact that she is connected on LinkedIn to my father and it would just be a bizarre coincidence if she was some other woman with the exact same name. Over the past few weeks it seems she keeps looking at my profile. Like, she looks at it at least every 3-4 days. Now it has piqued my curiosity and I keep having to restrain myself from messaging her something to the effect of "My dad used to talk about you a lot but I never knew who you were, what's the deal?"
I have a strained relationship with my father due to a lot of unrelated reasons, but even if we were on good terms I don't think we'd ever be able to have an honest conversation about this. At the end of the day I don't know how much of a difference it would make to me personally if I were to have my suspicion confirmed - it was so long ago, and my mother is long dead. Though at the same time, if my hunch is correct, it would make me very sad on my mother's behalf that he was having an affair while she was battling cancer, and I think maybe I would kind of feel like it was a good thing for me to know. Like I would be sticking up for my mom somehow by having the knowledge. Is that weird?
If I were to contact this woman to get more information and it turns out my suspicion was correct, I have no intention or desire to confront my dad about it. Again, mom is long gone, and I don't actually enjoy fighting with him. This would just be to close the loop on something that I've I guess stored in the background of my mind since I was little.
What do you think Mefites? I wouldn't even be thinking about this woman if she hadn't started obviously sniffing around my LinkedIn profile. Should I let sleeping dogs lie or should I see if I can find out more by contacting her?
This would just be to close the loop on something that I've I guess stored in the background of my mind since I was little.
If it would really close a loop and you'd be able to be done with this, then go for it. But with the unresolved other issues and a lack of good communication with your father, I'd gently suggest that it might not close the loop the way you think it might.
posted by headnsouth at 12:07 PM on December 3, 2015 [19 favorites]
If it would really close a loop and you'd be able to be done with this, then go for it. But with the unresolved other issues and a lack of good communication with your father, I'd gently suggest that it might not close the loop the way you think it might.
posted by headnsouth at 12:07 PM on December 3, 2015 [19 favorites]
Ignore her. No good can come of this. I can think of a dozen scenarios off the top of my head that end up hurting you, her, your dad, and your memories of your mom, and maybe two that won't end up doing that.
Even if she says, in the gentlest, kindest way possible, "No, your father and I never had an affair," is that going to satisfy you? Will you believe her? Or will you think, Well, sure, that's what she would say, but...?
posted by Etrigan at 12:13 PM on December 3, 2015 [27 favorites]
Even if she says, in the gentlest, kindest way possible, "No, your father and I never had an affair," is that going to satisfy you? Will you believe her? Or will you think, Well, sure, that's what she would say, but...?
posted by Etrigan at 12:13 PM on December 3, 2015 [27 favorites]
You already know this is a terrible idea. Please, just ignore her and go on about your business. Nothing to see here.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:22 PM on December 3, 2015 [14 favorites]
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:22 PM on December 3, 2015 [14 favorites]
Think about what might happen if you write to her. If she's still on good terms with your father, I doubt she'd admit to having had a relationship with him. She would tell him that you contacted her. That might lead to some sort of communication between you and your father.
She might just exchange a couple of messages with you and move on. Or maybe she's not able to mind her own business and stay separate. It's possible she would think there's more to your contacting her than just curiosity.
She probably doesn't realize that you can tell she's been looking at your profile, so if you ignore it, things should be fine. I know you're curious, but you're unlikely to have an ideal outcome if you interact with her.
posted by wryly at 12:24 PM on December 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
She might just exchange a couple of messages with you and move on. Or maybe she's not able to mind her own business and stay separate. It's possible she would think there's more to your contacting her than just curiosity.
She probably doesn't realize that you can tell she's been looking at your profile, so if you ignore it, things should be fine. I know you're curious, but you're unlikely to have an ideal outcome if you interact with her.
posted by wryly at 12:24 PM on December 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
Its a bad idea. Even if your father was having an affair that was long ago. Move on and don't contact this woman. Block her unless you have a business reason not to. There is nothing to gain from this.
posted by GilvearSt at 12:24 PM on December 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by GilvearSt at 12:24 PM on December 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
Yuck.
Can you block people on LinkedIn? Just block this person. Don't interact with her. This is dysfunctional. Don't engage.
posted by jbenben at 12:31 PM on December 3, 2015 [12 favorites]
Can you block people on LinkedIn? Just block this person. Don't interact with her. This is dysfunctional. Don't engage.
posted by jbenben at 12:31 PM on December 3, 2015 [12 favorites]
Let sleeping dogs lie. What went on between your parents in their marriage and whether or not this woman had anything to do with it is their business, not yours.
posted by MsMolly at 12:31 PM on December 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by MsMolly at 12:31 PM on December 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
The reason why I would discourage you from going through with this is because she's been obsessively stalking your LinkedIn profile. That's quite weird, especially if her role in your life has been what you suspect, and a red flag. It's very possible that introducing this person into your life will cause much more trouble than closure, no matter what she has to say. (Which could be lies, or apologies, or ugly truths, or things about your mother you wouldn't want to hear, or neediness, or instability, or misdirected anger.) So I'd label this one with "do not open".
posted by sively at 12:33 PM on December 3, 2015 [48 favorites]
posted by sively at 12:33 PM on December 3, 2015 [48 favorites]
"I have no intention or desire to confront my dad about it."
If this woman and your dad are in contact, which being connected on LinkedIn seems reasonable to assume, then a confrontation seems inevitable: You ask her, and she immediately goes to him with that (to see what she 'can' respond to you, or laugh about what a crazy suggestion it was, whatever). Then your dad knows that you know, or at least suspected, and an already strained relationship gets that much worse.
Assume your gut was correct all those years. Leave it at that. Your Spidey-sense is rarely wrong about these things, even if as a kid you don't fully understand it. Your best-case scenario isn't much of a winner, and there's no telling how it might play out.
posted by Capt. Renault at 12:33 PM on December 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
If this woman and your dad are in contact, which being connected on LinkedIn seems reasonable to assume, then a confrontation seems inevitable: You ask her, and she immediately goes to him with that (to see what she 'can' respond to you, or laugh about what a crazy suggestion it was, whatever). Then your dad knows that you know, or at least suspected, and an already strained relationship gets that much worse.
Assume your gut was correct all those years. Leave it at that. Your Spidey-sense is rarely wrong about these things, even if as a kid you don't fully understand it. Your best-case scenario isn't much of a winner, and there's no telling how it might play out.
posted by Capt. Renault at 12:33 PM on December 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
If your father was indeed having an affair while he was being a caregiver to your mother as she was dying from cancer and also caring for you when you were a child, maybe he was doing so to have some sort of positive or sexual outlet during a horrible, stressful time. I'm not saying that's necessarily excusable, but it might be understandable. And who knows? Maybe he had your mother's consent.
You don't know what was going on during your parents' marriage at this time. Confronting this woman would only lead to more confusion. Try to block her or forget about her.
posted by Leontine at 12:39 PM on December 3, 2015 [36 favorites]
You don't know what was going on during your parents' marriage at this time. Confronting this woman would only lead to more confusion. Try to block her or forget about her.
posted by Leontine at 12:39 PM on December 3, 2015 [36 favorites]
Yes, you can block people on Linked In. This was not always the case, and I happily put it to use recently.
Go to her profile, and hit the drop-down menu on the "Send a message" box. Toward the bottom of the list is the option to "Block or report." According to Linked In, doing so will also remove your name as one of those who have viewed your profile. Try to resist the temptation to read her profile while you are there.
posted by jgirl at 12:41 PM on December 3, 2015 [12 favorites]
Go to her profile, and hit the drop-down menu on the "Send a message" box. Toward the bottom of the list is the option to "Block or report." According to Linked In, doing so will also remove your name as one of those who have viewed your profile. Try to resist the temptation to read her profile while you are there.
posted by jgirl at 12:41 PM on December 3, 2015 [12 favorites]
I started out writing that you should go for it, but turned against it as I wrote. Even if you do contact her how likely is it that her answer to your inquiry will be to admit to an affair, even if that's true? If you mention that she's been looking at your LinkedIn profile, say you remember her name as a colleague of your dad's, and ask her what's up, her response will almost certainly be that she's an old friend / colleague of your dad's and she'd been thinking about you and him recently. To get more from her, you'd probably need to really pry.
Even if you did press, you should consider the different types of answers you could get and how unsatisfactory they could be. She may not admit to an affair, and that may or may not be the truth. Maybe she was just a good friend to your dad at a really tough time in his life or it could have been some sort of emotional affair (still a betrayal, but not quite what you were imagining). Maybe she was just a friendly colleague and the stalking is about her wondering whatever happened to that little girl she used to hear about at work whose mom later died. Or maybe there was an affair, she admits to it, and it hurts more than you anticipate because it stirs up old feelings about your relationship with your dad and your mom's illness. Or maybe she has a horrible opinion of your mom (men having affairs frequently lie about their wives to their mistresses) and is creepy enough to tell you about it. Or maybe your mom consented to an affair. Are you prepared to hear that your dad was horrible to her or the great lost love of her life? Can you let things go if you hear he was just a friend? To me, it seems like most of the answers you are likely to get aren't going to be satisfying to you.
Just let it be. Figure your dad might have had an affair and you'll probably never know for sure.
posted by Area Man at 12:44 PM on December 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
Even if you did press, you should consider the different types of answers you could get and how unsatisfactory they could be. She may not admit to an affair, and that may or may not be the truth. Maybe she was just a good friend to your dad at a really tough time in his life or it could have been some sort of emotional affair (still a betrayal, but not quite what you were imagining). Maybe she was just a friendly colleague and the stalking is about her wondering whatever happened to that little girl she used to hear about at work whose mom later died. Or maybe there was an affair, she admits to it, and it hurts more than you anticipate because it stirs up old feelings about your relationship with your dad and your mom's illness. Or maybe she has a horrible opinion of your mom (men having affairs frequently lie about their wives to their mistresses) and is creepy enough to tell you about it. Or maybe your mom consented to an affair. Are you prepared to hear that your dad was horrible to her or the great lost love of her life? Can you let things go if you hear he was just a friend? To me, it seems like most of the answers you are likely to get aren't going to be satisfying to you.
Just let it be. Figure your dad might have had an affair and you'll probably never know for sure.
posted by Area Man at 12:44 PM on December 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
Nope nope nope. Do not engage.
There are all kinds of scenarios that might be true: Maybe she and your father had an affair 20 years ago. Probably not great, but then again, your mother was sick, and you were 9 -- maybe your mom knew the whole time and sanctioned it? Maybe your father broke it off? Maybe this person broke it off?
Maybe she and your father are reconnecting? Would that be so bad?
Maybe she is just thinking of your father and stalking around to find out more about his life? Would you really want to get involved in this?
I see no way that you reaching out to this woman can possibly benefit anybody. If you were my friend and I knew more about the situation, I'd perhaps encourage you to put some of this emotional energy that you're spending into trying to mend things with your father (there are many many valid reasons why you might not want to deal with your father at all, so please don't if it doesn't feel right to you).
posted by sparklemotion at 12:48 PM on December 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
There are all kinds of scenarios that might be true: Maybe she and your father had an affair 20 years ago. Probably not great, but then again, your mother was sick, and you were 9 -- maybe your mom knew the whole time and sanctioned it? Maybe your father broke it off? Maybe this person broke it off?
Maybe she and your father are reconnecting? Would that be so bad?
Maybe she is just thinking of your father and stalking around to find out more about his life? Would you really want to get involved in this?
I see no way that you reaching out to this woman can possibly benefit anybody. If you were my friend and I knew more about the situation, I'd perhaps encourage you to put some of this emotional energy that you're spending into trying to mend things with your father (there are many many valid reasons why you might not want to deal with your father at all, so please don't if it doesn't feel right to you).
posted by sparklemotion at 12:48 PM on December 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
The thing about these types of inquiries is that, you think you're looking for answer X, but it's never satisfying because you can't ever really get closure on these types of situation. It just leads to more questions you think you need the answer to, and you fall more and more into the rabbit hole without even realizing it's happening.
posted by Aranquis at 12:51 PM on December 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Aranquis at 12:51 PM on December 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
I have a strained relationship with my father due to a lot of unrelated reasons... if my hunch is correct, it would make me very sad on my mother's behalf that he was having an affair while she was battling cancer, and I think maybe I would kind of feel like it was a good thing for me to know. Like I would be sticking up for my mom somehow by having the knowledge.
This reads to me like you want this knowledge as some sort of extra grudge or justification for your strained relationship with your father. It's not about her - you don't care about her. It's not about what she might have to say to you about your father at that time of your life (something she might actually know about). Just ammunition you can use to keep the emotional well poisoned. It doesn't sound like having the knowledge would actually be healthy, though it might feel "good" in an I told you so way.
I understand why you don't want to speak to your father about this, and doing so may be a horrible idea - I'm not recommending it as advice - but I think he is the only one you should have the conversation with, if you need to have it. What happened with her, whether they are still in contact or even intimate, what he told her about you that might cause her to stalk you now -- he might have those answers and might even be willing to answer you honestly. She would be unlikely to.
Another vote for block and let it go.
posted by Mchelly at 12:54 PM on December 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
This reads to me like you want this knowledge as some sort of extra grudge or justification for your strained relationship with your father. It's not about her - you don't care about her. It's not about what she might have to say to you about your father at that time of your life (something she might actually know about). Just ammunition you can use to keep the emotional well poisoned. It doesn't sound like having the knowledge would actually be healthy, though it might feel "good" in an I told you so way.
I understand why you don't want to speak to your father about this, and doing so may be a horrible idea - I'm not recommending it as advice - but I think he is the only one you should have the conversation with, if you need to have it. What happened with her, whether they are still in contact or even intimate, what he told her about you that might cause her to stalk you now -- he might have those answers and might even be willing to answer you honestly. She would be unlikely to.
Another vote for block and let it go.
posted by Mchelly at 12:54 PM on December 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
I suspect that she's obsessively cyberstalking your dad. Keeping tabs on his child is just another extension of this.
It's creepy and weird. Block her.
posted by Jacqueline at 12:59 PM on December 3, 2015 [16 favorites]
It's creepy and weird. Block her.
posted by Jacqueline at 12:59 PM on December 3, 2015 [16 favorites]
I typed "remove your name as one of those who have viewed your profile" BUT it should read "remove your name as one of those who have viewed HER profile."
posted by jgirl at 1:00 PM on December 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by jgirl at 1:00 PM on December 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Is there any possibility that the woman could have had a child by your father? If so, she might be trying to reach out in some way to connect half-siblings.
posted by Thella at 1:05 PM on December 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Thella at 1:05 PM on December 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
If she's reaching out to connect half siblings through LinkedIn, that is all sorts of ways a bad way to go about it. She knows how to reach Dad. If that's even a thing, she should be going through Dad for that.
I'm in the block/ignore camp. I see very little good coming of this. I'm sorry you've had to have this in the back of your mind so long. You would not have known when you were 9 how complicated adult relationships can be. Now that you are an adult, you have the possibility to revisit it in your mind and label it with, "Adult relationships can be complicated and what happened in my parents' marriage was between them". It's the safest and least painful route to take. I agree with what others have said about pursuing this - it will most likely not bring closure.
posted by RogueTech at 1:23 PM on December 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm in the block/ignore camp. I see very little good coming of this. I'm sorry you've had to have this in the back of your mind so long. You would not have known when you were 9 how complicated adult relationships can be. Now that you are an adult, you have the possibility to revisit it in your mind and label it with, "Adult relationships can be complicated and what happened in my parents' marriage was between them". It's the safest and least painful route to take. I agree with what others have said about pursuing this - it will most likely not bring closure.
posted by RogueTech at 1:23 PM on December 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Boy no
What you write here:
The one time I asked my dad why he kept talking about this lady all the time he lost his shit and screamed that it was none of my business who he spent time with...
That loop has been closed for a long time. Poking around in old stuff very often just brings up a lot of Sad, why would you do that to yourself? Try to make her unseeable on LinkedIn, or just don't look.
posted by Namlit at 1:30 PM on December 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
What you write here:
The one time I asked my dad why he kept talking about this lady all the time he lost his shit and screamed that it was none of my business who he spent time with...
That loop has been closed for a long time. Poking around in old stuff very often just brings up a lot of Sad, why would you do that to yourself? Try to make her unseeable on LinkedIn, or just don't look.
posted by Namlit at 1:30 PM on December 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
A word of advice here. When I was a young idiot and thought I was very perceptive, I thought I caught my dad doing something inappropriate with a woman. I stirred some shit about it and, whaddya know, kids are in fact quite dumb. I instead blew the lid off an incredibly complicated Adult Thing that to this day causes me to cringe with regret (dad's sister and mother were guilting my dad into paying for them to have a better lifestyle, something my mom had previously put a stop to, but then dad's family got pissed at my mom and threatened to get her in trouble with her boss if my dad didn't secretly help them out again... lovely, right?).
I'm certainly glad I know about this Very Adult weird thing, because my family dynamic makes no sense without it, but I did in fact make things hugely worse--especially for my mom--by being an asshole about my assumptions.
Scratch that itch if you must, but be prepared for you to be wrong about the relationship you think you understand.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:44 PM on December 3, 2015 [8 favorites]
I'm certainly glad I know about this Very Adult weird thing, because my family dynamic makes no sense without it, but I did in fact make things hugely worse--especially for my mom--by being an asshole about my assumptions.
Scratch that itch if you must, but be prepared for you to be wrong about the relationship you think you understand.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:44 PM on December 3, 2015 [8 favorites]
I'm on team "don't do this". And I have these credentials: my father did have multiple affairs (starting when I was about the same age as you were) and the name of one of them came back in my life about a decade ago, in a professional context. Though I was at no risk of meeting her through that context it was in the realm of possibility that she'd see my name and it be weird all round.
I can relate to how you feel as when I saw her name on paperwork I was all OMGWTF%&$^&* and I did tell a few close friends about it but I'm very glad I didn't take it any further. Some things aren't worth knowing.
posted by kitten magic at 3:16 PM on December 3, 2015
I can relate to how you feel as when I saw her name on paperwork I was all OMGWTF%&$^&* and I did tell a few close friends about it but I'm very glad I didn't take it any further. Some things aren't worth knowing.
posted by kitten magic at 3:16 PM on December 3, 2015
It's also possible that it's LinkedIn and not her. I thought I heard about them sending dummy friend(?) requests on behalf of people in your network.
posted by KernalM at 3:24 PM on December 3, 2015
posted by KernalM at 3:24 PM on December 3, 2015
If she's reaching out to connect half siblings through LinkedIn, that is all sorts of ways a bad way to go about it. She knows how to reach Dad. If that's even a thing, she should be going through Dad for that.
Except that Dad seems to be the one desperate to keep whatever quiet.
As long as I had no hate for her. (And I personally could not, but YMMV) I'd play stupid and reach out, asking if she was trying to contact me. Then proceed carefully. You might need to block eventually, but I would be too curious. But not because I want to be more pissed at Dad. That's not a great reason to pursue this.
posted by TenaciousB at 3:44 PM on December 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
Except that Dad seems to be the one desperate to keep whatever quiet.
As long as I had no hate for her. (And I personally could not, but YMMV) I'd play stupid and reach out, asking if she was trying to contact me. Then proceed carefully. You might need to block eventually, but I would be too curious. But not because I want to be more pissed at Dad. That's not a great reason to pursue this.
posted by TenaciousB at 3:44 PM on December 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
You already know the answer. Your suspicions are correct. It's patently obvious:
-There was motivation
-There was opportunity
-There was evidence:
*dad talked about her all the time
*dad got defensive and lost his shit
*she is cyber stalking you, a gigantic clue that she and your father were not just passing acquaintances
You already know. It's clear enough. Knowing details of how far it went or exactly why (at least, why they think they did it) won't help that much.
FYI I read my dad's diary once and don't regret it at all, but there were no bombshell secrets. It did help me clarify a lot of confusion in my childhood though. I don't blame you for your curiosity- if there's a way to satisfy it without asking her or your father directly I'd say go for it. A third party, a diary, whatever.
posted by quincunx at 8:04 PM on December 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
-There was motivation
-There was opportunity
-There was evidence:
*dad talked about her all the time
*dad got defensive and lost his shit
*she is cyber stalking you, a gigantic clue that she and your father were not just passing acquaintances
You already know. It's clear enough. Knowing details of how far it went or exactly why (at least, why they think they did it) won't help that much.
FYI I read my dad's diary once and don't regret it at all, but there were no bombshell secrets. It did help me clarify a lot of confusion in my childhood though. I don't blame you for your curiosity- if there's a way to satisfy it without asking her or your father directly I'd say go for it. A third party, a diary, whatever.
posted by quincunx at 8:04 PM on December 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Nah. This isn't going to solve anything for you. Leave it alone.
Besides, the relationship that two other people have with each other is none of your business whatsoever. It's between them and them only--none of this materially affects you.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:48 PM on December 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Besides, the relationship that two other people have with each other is none of your business whatsoever. It's between them and them only--none of this materially affects you.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:48 PM on December 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
I would definitely ask. I'm nosy as fuck and I'd want to know everything that went on. A rosy reputation needs to be earned and I know you don't have a rosy reputation of your dad since you say the relationship is strained but I think it's worth knowing who your dad was as a partner to your mum. Why? For me it's because I like to know as much about a person as I can possibly know. Fair enough many people in the thread like things to rest. I definitely don't and i'd definitely ask what her relationship was to your father. It might make her run a mile and never cyber stalk any of you again which would be a revealing bonus. I would also confront my father with this because in the endless me vs him narrative, I like to win but since you have a healthier mind and don't have any desire to do so maybe there is no point for you. If you don't do this will it be something that eats away at you? If not, don't. If so, ask. 'Closing the loop' as you say is a worthwhile endeavor.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 3:45 AM on December 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 3:45 AM on December 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
I know your struggle. When I was in college, my father said something to me about being with other women besides my mother. I didn't press him at the time and I've never said anything to anyone else, but it's been a hair in my mouth for over 20 years.
I don't know if there's any upside to digging around. I'm just as stumped as you.
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 3:52 AM on December 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don't know if there's any upside to digging around. I'm just as stumped as you.
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 3:52 AM on December 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
The chance that this woman will confirm to you she had an affair with your dad while your mother was dying are near zero. If she does, she will not do so without consulting your dad. So, there is no way to clarify this without potentially causing a lot of drama.
it would make me very sad on my mother's behalf that he was having an affair while she was battling cancer, and I think maybe I would kind of feel like it was a good thing for me to know. Like I would be sticking up for my mom somehow by having the knowledge. Is that weird?
Your mother was not just your mother. She was an adult, having a complex relationship with your dad that had nothing to do with you. Marriages have complex secret lives. Without discussing it with your father, you have no way of knowing if your parents had a tacit agreement, or a "don't ask don't tell" policy or an open marriage or a frank agreement about this woman. You may think you do, but you really don't. There is also a very real degree to which that is none of your business because while they are your parents, it was not your marriage.
If her interest in you is bothering you, just block her.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:12 AM on December 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
it would make me very sad on my mother's behalf that he was having an affair while she was battling cancer, and I think maybe I would kind of feel like it was a good thing for me to know. Like I would be sticking up for my mom somehow by having the knowledge. Is that weird?
Your mother was not just your mother. She was an adult, having a complex relationship with your dad that had nothing to do with you. Marriages have complex secret lives. Without discussing it with your father, you have no way of knowing if your parents had a tacit agreement, or a "don't ask don't tell" policy or an open marriage or a frank agreement about this woman. You may think you do, but you really don't. There is also a very real degree to which that is none of your business because while they are your parents, it was not your marriage.
If her interest in you is bothering you, just block her.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:12 AM on December 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
Is it really any of your business ? I think not. Is there a probability this would lead to a positive outcome for all concerned ? And, as noted above, is this putative stalking from her or Linked In ? I mean, I get Linked In invites from Mathowie and I mean, yeah, right, as if... Not to mention people to whom I once showed an apartment. And this after I closed my account, too. I think your interests should be elsewhere.
posted by y2karl at 10:46 AM on December 4, 2015
posted by y2karl at 10:46 AM on December 4, 2015
I would approach this very open endedly and just... see what she says. Just send her a message saying hi and asking how you know her, or something.
A lot of times people will just start verbal diarrhea-ing relatively private stuff at you if it's weighing on their mind and you leave blank space in the conversation.
Talk to her and see where it goes, but don't ask her about this.
posted by emptythought at 12:21 PM on December 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
A lot of times people will just start verbal diarrhea-ing relatively private stuff at you if it's weighing on their mind and you leave blank space in the conversation.
Talk to her and see where it goes, but don't ask her about this.
posted by emptythought at 12:21 PM on December 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Because my parents divorced when I was tiny, both they and my grandparents had this idea that they could tell me everything; like I had no stakes in the changing relationships.
So I even knew things my parents didn't know about my grandparents, and I know stuff my siblings don't know about my parents.
This is not an ideal situation, and time and time again since I was 12 (I think), I have discussed the problem you present here with myself. Sometimes I have chosen to confront the participants, and sometimes I haven't.
I have been angry: why should I hold and protect this information?
I have felt privileged: why am I the one they tell their story?
This includes external people. Some people who have felt close to my parents and grandparents have felt they needed to confirm this with me. See above about anger and privilege. Practically, I've said "thanks for telling your story, my [family member] was a charismatic person who meant a lot to many people".
In real life, my adulterous and borderline crazy family had really clear priorities. These are hard to see in the midst of chaos, but for me it has helped to literally map out the totality of it all. Uncle XX went through 6 wives, but there was a common theme and a progression that makes sense (hey, I don't at all approve of it), or: grandpa was adulterous and ambitious but grandma lived with it because of money and fame, cousin yy is 100% faithful and accepts stuff I would see as violence because of security. Et cetera.
From where I am now, my question to you would be: what do you want your life to become?
How do you want your relations to be in the future?
I could choose to open a discussion about close relatives that would completely change my family's perception of those relatives. But at the end of the day, the only thing my family would remember and relate (negatively) to was me. So I won't do it - even as the knowledge burns in my heart. (if it gets too bad I'll pay a therapist to listen to me)
posted by mumimor at 2:01 PM on December 4, 2015
So I even knew things my parents didn't know about my grandparents, and I know stuff my siblings don't know about my parents.
This is not an ideal situation, and time and time again since I was 12 (I think), I have discussed the problem you present here with myself. Sometimes I have chosen to confront the participants, and sometimes I haven't.
I have been angry: why should I hold and protect this information?
I have felt privileged: why am I the one they tell their story?
This includes external people. Some people who have felt close to my parents and grandparents have felt they needed to confirm this with me. See above about anger and privilege. Practically, I've said "thanks for telling your story, my [family member] was a charismatic person who meant a lot to many people".
In real life, my adulterous and borderline crazy family had really clear priorities. These are hard to see in the midst of chaos, but for me it has helped to literally map out the totality of it all. Uncle XX went through 6 wives, but there was a common theme and a progression that makes sense (hey, I don't at all approve of it), or: grandpa was adulterous and ambitious but grandma lived with it because of money and fame, cousin yy is 100% faithful and accepts stuff I would see as violence because of security. Et cetera.
From where I am now, my question to you would be: what do you want your life to become?
How do you want your relations to be in the future?
I could choose to open a discussion about close relatives that would completely change my family's perception of those relatives. But at the end of the day, the only thing my family would remember and relate (negatively) to was me. So I won't do it - even as the knowledge burns in my heart. (if it gets too bad I'll pay a therapist to listen to me)
posted by mumimor at 2:01 PM on December 4, 2015
If you are ever going to know the "truth", it will be because your dad tells you, not because she does. A mighty large "if" considering what you've said about yours and your father's adult relationship.
This is a can of worms no good well likely come from, and a lot of tension and continuation of that lack of closure feeling. Closure is found within yourself, for yourself alone, and a therapist is the person to talk to about it.
posted by thebotanyofsouls at 2:06 PM on December 4, 2015
This is a can of worms no good well likely come from, and a lot of tension and continuation of that lack of closure feeling. Closure is found within yourself, for yourself alone, and a therapist is the person to talk to about it.
posted by thebotanyofsouls at 2:06 PM on December 4, 2015
Is there any possibility that the woman could have had a child by your father? If so, she might be trying to reach out in some way to connect half-siblings.
Is it possible that the person who viewed your profile could actually be a half-sibling of yours? Sometimes people give a child (girl or boy) the same name as their own, either with a different middle name or a "jr." -- which might not necessarily be used as part of the professional name.
If you can find out the person's age, it should be pretty easy to figure out.
posted by yohko at 10:26 AM on December 7, 2015
Is it possible that the person who viewed your profile could actually be a half-sibling of yours? Sometimes people give a child (girl or boy) the same name as their own, either with a different middle name or a "jr." -- which might not necessarily be used as part of the professional name.
If you can find out the person's age, it should be pretty easy to figure out.
posted by yohko at 10:26 AM on December 7, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Hanuman1960 at 12:03 PM on December 3, 2015