Issues with long distance relationship.

November 24, 2015 7:00 AM

I am living in a long distance relationship and have encountered an issue I do not know how to cope with. I hope you can help me.

Dear folks!

I would really need your advice and opinion about something very delicate. Let me explain and forgive me for potential grammar mistakes since english is not my native language.
I am 24 year old female, studying masters studies in Ecology in one of the european capital cities. I am dating a guy a bit more than a yeah younger than me, finishing Bachelors of physics in another capital, 450 km distance away. That distance makes us live apart since the start, so two years now. I am about to fiish my studies in one, maybe maximum two years, and for him it is gonna take at least three more years. I love him deeply and I know he feels the same, he is great boyfriend, nice, respectful and supportive. But I am really struggling with this distance. I miss him horribly, not knowing when we will see each other again.

He is for some reason not comfortable with idea of continuing his studies in my city due to bigger - but managable with some effort - expenses, despite the fact that there is a great difference in quality between my university and his. However, he claims that he would love to live with me (permanently). I was also considerig going to an exchange to his university, but in the end dropped that idea anyway.
I am really trying hard to keep the relationship alive at this distance. I think it is necessary in every case, so i am trying to visit him as often as possible, i am arrangig dates, i tried my best to look for possibilities for him to do the research and studies, really trying to decrease the distance or at least try to make it more managable. But he does not have a problem with it. He could easily go another 3 years living like this. In addition to that, despite the fact that we talk a lot via skype etc, there is no effort in keeping the intimacy. As soon as I send him a naughty message or suggest something sexy, he gets awkward and is very uncomfortable with that. Myself, being a bundle of passion , well...I got really bitter because of that. It greatly affect my femininity that I am just out of ideas how to turn him on even when we are physically, despite that I have tried/suggested literally everything, from showering together, to being naked around him, dressing up in my collection of sexy underwear, wearing a perfume, being seductive...I asked him multiple times what would work for him and he said it's all fine, he does not have any special preferences. I always have to be the initiator. This sort of thing are really corrosive for my self confidence and I started feeling unattractive and non-sexy, although I rationally know I don't look bad. He also says I'm the most attractive girl he knows.

I simply do not know what to think about the whole situation any more. Sometimes I feel angry, frustrated, other times guilty and awful. I am so troubled about it that I want to talk about this with him many times and this turns into long, heavy talks which affect his studying productivity and then I feel even worse. I seems like Ijust can't get out of this loop and that years I'm supposed to enjoy the most are just being filled with bitterness. I do have my own things to do, yet still I come home every day and lie into the empty bed for years now and many more to come.

I have lived in a dysfunctional family and finally got out of that toxic environment, so I never had a proper home and feel like it is about time to have one and this is bringing me down even more.
Am I too demanding? Selfish? What can I do?

posted by Salicornia to Human Relations (13 answers total)

Hi there. I went through a long distance relationship for 2 years and it is very difficult, and without seeing an end in sight it is very hard to maintain (in my opinion) unless both parties talk about when they end will be and work together to figure it out. From the sounds of your post, you are doing most of the planning to see him, and you are putting in most effort to try to figure out a way for you two to be together physically... is this true? It seems that you are the one trying to keep the spark alive, as well as the relationship. I hope this doesn't hurt to hear, but from an outside perspective it sounds like he is complacent... it's a perfect situation for him, he has his freedom but has you too. If you had said he was making an effort to plan visits with you, and he was trying to figure out a way to move to your area or figure out how to make it work, I would say that maybe you need to step back and be a little more accommodating or willing to talk. But honestly, I don't think you are being too demanding or selfish!!

Long distance relationships take extra care and attention, sending those pictures or texts is something that keeps that spark alive and if it weren't for those things I don't think our relationship would have lasted. It was a dual effort though, we both put in an effort to keep it alive, he went out of his way to visit me almost every other weekend (a 6 hour drive), and I would in turn plan to visit him too. We talked about being together, and how it could work- he was open to moving to me and I was open to moving to him. Stars aligned and he was transferred to my state so it worked out perfectly but the point is that we both wanted it and knew to have a successful relationship it is important. I wonder how he really feels about the future with you. What I suggest is just continue living your life, stop trying to get to him, stop trying to plan things with him, stop trying to figure out how to transfer to him and see what effort he puts in. If he stops and you feel like you are the only one carrying this relationship, or the only one trying to keep that spark and communication alive you unfortunately have your answer and as hard as that may be it is so much easier to figure it out now than waste your time or life when you are so young and uproot everything for someone who may not be as serious about you as you may think. Just because you lived in a dysfunction family doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong in this relationship... hopefully you can look at the dysfunction and see what is healthy and normal, and look at that as a good thing.

Don't ever start questioning yourself, or if you are being too demanding or selfish, that is when problems occur. You sound like a pretty well rounded individual, so never question who you are, just do your best and keep doing your own thing in life, see where he falls into place on his own.
posted by MamaBee223 at 7:11 AM on November 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

It sounds to me like this is just a bad match. The different expectations on both sides of what intimacy means and what being in a relationship means are pretty significant, and would be tough to overcome even if you two lived next door to each other.

You have your needs and wants, and it's both okay and important for you to recognize them and vocalize them. It's also important for him to do the same. You guys are doing that part right. I think this is just one of those things where there's a fundamental incompatibility.

Nobody is wrong here, you're not being demanding or selfish, it just sounds to me like this is a bad match. It happens.
posted by phunniemee at 7:15 AM on November 24, 2015 [3 favorites]

You are never compelled to stay in a relationship which is making you are unhappy. 3 years is a very long time, especially at such a long distance. You also raise an additional issue with differing sex drives... it's unclear to me from your description as to what precisely the problem is: after sharing a shower/wearing sexy underwear, your significant other is still uninterested in physical activity? I can appreciate that frustration.

It's difficult to make a rational decision when it comes to our love lives, but I think you need to do that. Is what you have worth the pain of hardly seeing him, and the problems that your differing libidos cause. I would suggest ways you two might work towards alleviating these problems but it honestly sounds like you've already raised this issues and your partner does not agree that these are indeed issues.
posted by Cannon Fodder at 7:16 AM on November 24, 2015 [3 favorites]

It takes longer for issues in LDRs to surface because you're really only moving the relationship forward when you're together. So you may be involved with this guy for three years, but in actuality, you may only have 1 month of actual relationship-time.

If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, you may equate 'not so bad' with good, and that may keep you in this type of relationship longer than you need to be. While you're looking forward to making this relationship permanent, with both of you in the same city, he is not. You are not aligned sexually, he's not really interested in changing the relationship, nor is he doing anything to ensure that you see each other often. At this point I think you're frustrated by this, and you're bitter because you realize that you are more invested than he is. Not all long-term relationships end up being permanent. If you want something more you'll need to leave him and find someone who will give you more.

While it's sad when a relationship doesn't live up to your expectations, and it's hard to break up when things are 'okay', ultimately, staying will only waste time and rob you of the opportunity to find someone who wants to build a life with you.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:25 AM on November 24, 2015 [4 favorites]

My immediate read is that he is uncomfortable with actual intimacy but enjoys having his immediate need for a romantic partner fulfilled. This is clearly not what you need. A very dear friend of mine just came out of a relationship like this, and she was convinced they were going to get married. Afterward she told us that he refused to hold hands in public, wouldn't tell her he loved her, withheld physical intimacy, etc. - yet she stayed with him for years. Love and the desire to make something work at all costs can blind us to the flaws of our partners, especially when we tie the success or failure of the relationship to our self-worth.

It is scary to peer into the abyss of alone-ness that accompanies the end of a relationship, but in this event I would say you would do well to end it and focus on yourself rather than trying to engage him in a way he by all accounts refuses to be engaged. Aside from not worrying about his feelings you may find that you have a lot more emotional energy to expend on yourself and your friends.
posted by grumpybear69 at 7:50 AM on November 24, 2015 [3 favorites]

I absolutely honor you for trying pretty much anything and everything to make this work on your side.
Please note my emphasis; I believe that it is time for each of you to move on, at least for now.
It does not seem that he is willing to do the hard work necessary to keep the relationship spark alive, therefore allowing you to do all the heavy lifting, and the suggesting and the thinking. And worrying.

If he is not willing to meet you halfway, so to speak, I'm afraid that he may already have moved on emotionally.

You deserve the ABSOLUTE best that this life has to offer, and that includes someone who adores you, be they near or be they far.

I would suggest a gentle goodbye, and move on.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 7:54 AM on November 24, 2015 [4 favorites]

You cannot have a long distance relationship on your own. That is what is going on here: you are having a long distance relationship and he is casually dating you.

Look, one of the hardest rites of passage of adulthood is realising that just because you love each other doesn't mean you can be together. You have VERY different priorities than he does. The two of you want different things right now. That's sad and it is also not sustainable.

You can either let this guy break your heart slowly over the next two years and be tremendously sad when you guys break up, or you can break up now, be tremendously sad and not waste two more years when this isn't going anywhere.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:56 AM on November 24, 2015 [23 favorites]

What is his plan after graduation? If he wants to go onto grad school, will you move to wherever he is? Because if he and you both want academic careers, you're in for a tough road. I don't know much about ecology, but physics has a habit of taking you all over the world.. (she says, currently living almost 9000km from Mr. Nat.)

If this relationship doesn't work long distance (and it seems like it isn't working for you), then keep in mind that it could be quite a long time before it isn't long distance.
posted by nat at 8:09 AM on November 24, 2015

Sometimes it's the right person, but the wrong time.
posted by headnsouth at 8:16 AM on November 24, 2015

I think this is the wrong person. He's happy with you 450 km away, yet available to him on a whim over Skype, email, etc.. Some people are like this. They like pretend relationships without all of the messiness of living together, sharing a bathroom, putting up with their partner's daily needs, or even bouts with the flu. They like the illusion of being a "good" boyfriend or girlfriend without actually having to do that IRL. They like dreaming about a future that will never materialize. Sometimes they lie to themselves because they mean well but are incapable of adult intimacy. Sometimes they are keeping a partner at arm's (or an airplane's!) length because they are cheating/already involved, or in the closet, or asexual, or a commitment phobe, etc., etc., etc.. There is no way to know why these people are like this, and the reason doesn't much matter. Just know that the problem here is not you.

Take off the training wheels and find an in-person relationship to invest your loveliness in. University doesn't require you to put other parts of your life on hold. When you are ready, respectfully end this connection and focus on building something more fulfilling in your city.
posted by jbenben at 9:21 AM on November 24, 2015 [2 favorites]

Honestly, it sounds like maybe this relationship just isn't meant to be, for all the reasons that commenters state above.

BUT I felt like I needed to chime in because I've very recently been in a situation very similar to yours. My partner and I are going to be far apart for about 3/4 of each year for the next few years; last year was our first year apart. During the first few months apart, she had serious problems with intimacy, although other aspects of our relationship seemed very strong. (To the extent that, the first time I tried to be sexy on Skype, she completely panicked and shut me down.) I was hurt, confused, and very worried about the future (and fretting over my sexiness).

We talked about it while we were apart a bit and she was kinda distant, but when we had our first visit, I sat her down and had a serious talk about how much this hurt and worried me. Conversations like this can go *so* much better in person in my experience. It turns out that this was a coping mechanism on her part. She was in a lot more pain than she had admitted and reacted to this by (unconsciously) pulling back from actions that would bring up the pain.

But we talked about how important this relationship -- and it's sexual aspects -- are to both of us and she realized that she really needed to push through this and open up to such contact. Things improved drastically during our next stints apart. She reaches out to me now, quite often, and responds to me. I'm relieved and happy (well, as happy as I can be while apart) -- and so is she.

I wanted to give you an idea of how such a situation can work out. HOWEVER, we had the benefit of being together for 5 years before being apart. We have an incredibly strong relationship (and sex life) and desire to maintain it. (Also, we are older and experienced and maybe have a different perspective on time. Three years seems longer when you are 24 than it does when you are 40.)

I wishing you the best of luck whichever path you choose! Long distance relationships are HARD.
posted by mkuhnell at 11:42 AM on November 24, 2015

Hey there, I was long-distance with my husband before we got married, for some 4-5 years. It was very, very tough. It was definitely made tougher by the fact that we didn't have our lives together enough to figure out a "grown-up" solution. But as soon as our financial situations started improving and some other things fell into place, we started talking about the light at the end of the tunnel.

So here's the thing I see going on. Two things, actually!

One is that you guys might not have a very clear idea of what's going to happen when, to get you two physically together. When you're done with your program, will you be moving to his location? Does he have a place big enough to accommodate you long-term, or will you both need to look for a new place together? That kind of thing. Are you both on the same page when it comes to ending this long-distance situation?

And the second thing is actually more serious: this relationship is completely lopsided based on what you wrote. If you're the one putting in all the effort and initiating intimacy and generally trying to solve the distance problem, you're going to get burnt out. I mean really, you're already there. You're with a person who is loving and kind and has lots of good qualities, but who ultimately seems to have different priorities. It sucks! And it hurts. And I know that you've been trying (and probably will continue to try) to put aside these differences and just suck it up, because you're thinking a lot of these problems are "just for now." And that things will be different when you're actually living together.

But there's a very good chance that they won't, because you've known this guy long enough to understand that this is just who he is. You guys need different things, and it's rather impossible to mold someone into a more passionate, more eager version of themselves. I definitely thought some issues I had with my now-husband were temporary "just for now" kind of things, but I should have paid attention more when I was younger. We're dealing with them well now, but I wish I had been willing to address this early on, before one of us was moved several thousand miles.

Dealing with personality mismatches are very hard when you're long-distance. Generally when they come up you're already so invested in making things work, and you're so used to dealing with things on your own that you take far longer to reach what tends to be a consistent conclusion: this isn't working.

So if this isn't working, right now, there's no guarantee it will suddenly work between you later. Decide the lifespan of this relationship based on what you're feeling at this moment and all the experience you have up to this point.

My advice is to move on and find some real happiness.
posted by erratic meatsack at 3:44 PM on November 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

Honestly, if the lack of passion and differing sex drives are making you feel bad now, it's not going to get any better. If he's not eager for you after you've been apart for awhile, he's not going to want you more when he lives with you every day. Break up with him and find someone who is as into the sexy times as you are.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 6:03 PM on November 24, 2015 [1 favorite]