When should I reveal a minor disability to a potential mate?
November 16, 2015 9:26 AM Subscribe
I have a minor disability that limits my mobility somewhat. It's not immediately visible, so you wouldn't know about it unless I told you. I'm just now starting to date again. At what point should I tell a potential mate that I have this disability, and what is a good way to address the subject?
In July, I had a foot operation that went awry, resulting in nerve damage. The amount of pain I feel depends on my level of activity. I can still walk and go to work and do the things I need to do. However, if I walk more than a half mile, I start to feel pain, and it's not a good idea to walk more than a mile. I can stand up for a half hour without needing to rest, although it's not a good idea to stand up for longer than that. If I over-exert myself, I usually need to spend the next 2-3 days taking it easy on my foot.
Nobody can tell me for certain if my nerve will heal. The doctors aren't even completely sure what went wrong. My neurologist believes that my nerve will heal, but it may take anywhere from 6 months to a year. I'm trying various medications, but there's no guarantee they will work.
I live in NYC, and everyday life involves a fair amount of walking. However, it's mostly short distances, so that's not a problem. I feel I can do most of the fun things people do on dates. Unfortunately, a lot of outdoor recreation is off-limits to me. I obviously can't go for a hike, and I can't do a lot of wandering around for fun. I need to take subways, buses and cabs whenever possible, and walk as little as possible. I can also drive, although I don't have a car since I live in NYC.
Other than my foot problem, I'm in good health. I'm in good shape, and I plan to start swimming soon, so I will have a form of exercise that doesn't put pressure on my foot.
I'm just now starting to think about dating again, and I don't know how to approach the situation.
My first question : at what point should I reveal my disability? Should I mention it in my online dating profile? On the first date? Second date? Third date? Before we have sex? After a month? I don't want to misrepresent myself. If I wait too long to reveal my disability, would that make me a dishonest person? Is it a good idea to get this out in the open early on, so if this is a dealbraker, she can end it before I get too attached?
Second question : how should I address this? When I'm finally ready to reveal my disability, how should I talk about it? What are some good ways to talk about this in conversation? I don't want to make it sound like this is a temporary situation since it may wind up being permanent.
Third question : should I avoid anyone whose online dating profile involves a lot of physical activity and outdoorsy stuff?
Also interested in any other advice you have for me.
In July, I had a foot operation that went awry, resulting in nerve damage. The amount of pain I feel depends on my level of activity. I can still walk and go to work and do the things I need to do. However, if I walk more than a half mile, I start to feel pain, and it's not a good idea to walk more than a mile. I can stand up for a half hour without needing to rest, although it's not a good idea to stand up for longer than that. If I over-exert myself, I usually need to spend the next 2-3 days taking it easy on my foot.
Nobody can tell me for certain if my nerve will heal. The doctors aren't even completely sure what went wrong. My neurologist believes that my nerve will heal, but it may take anywhere from 6 months to a year. I'm trying various medications, but there's no guarantee they will work.
I live in NYC, and everyday life involves a fair amount of walking. However, it's mostly short distances, so that's not a problem. I feel I can do most of the fun things people do on dates. Unfortunately, a lot of outdoor recreation is off-limits to me. I obviously can't go for a hike, and I can't do a lot of wandering around for fun. I need to take subways, buses and cabs whenever possible, and walk as little as possible. I can also drive, although I don't have a car since I live in NYC.
Other than my foot problem, I'm in good health. I'm in good shape, and I plan to start swimming soon, so I will have a form of exercise that doesn't put pressure on my foot.
I'm just now starting to think about dating again, and I don't know how to approach the situation.
My first question : at what point should I reveal my disability? Should I mention it in my online dating profile? On the first date? Second date? Third date? Before we have sex? After a month? I don't want to misrepresent myself. If I wait too long to reveal my disability, would that make me a dishonest person? Is it a good idea to get this out in the open early on, so if this is a dealbraker, she can end it before I get too attached?
Second question : how should I address this? When I'm finally ready to reveal my disability, how should I talk about it? What are some good ways to talk about this in conversation? I don't want to make it sound like this is a temporary situation since it may wind up being permanent.
Third question : should I avoid anyone whose online dating profile involves a lot of physical activity and outdoorsy stuff?
Also interested in any other advice you have for me.
I think you're overthinking this. I don't see any need to mention it until it becomes relevant. For example if your date suggests you go on a hiking trip or to a standing-only concert then a simple - I have nerve damage in my foot so I can't walk long distances or stand for more than half an hour should be sufficient.
I would probably avoid people who were very active/outdoorsy as there's a high chance you wont be compatible, at least in the short term
posted by missmagenta at 9:31 AM on November 16, 2015 [32 favorites]
I would probably avoid people who were very active/outdoorsy as there's a high chance you wont be compatible, at least in the short term
posted by missmagenta at 9:31 AM on November 16, 2015 [32 favorites]
Wait until there's a good reason for you to mention it.
"Oh, crumbs, I cannot go on a hiking weekend with you. I have some nerve damage in my foot - how do you feel about doing XYZ?"
While it may be a Big Deal in your head right now (especially because it happened so recently), this isn't a huge thing to other people. In fact, I think you'll be surprised to hear how many people live with small, near-invisible disabilities.
posted by kariebookish at 9:34 AM on November 16, 2015 [19 favorites]
"Oh, crumbs, I cannot go on a hiking weekend with you. I have some nerve damage in my foot - how do you feel about doing XYZ?"
While it may be a Big Deal in your head right now (especially because it happened so recently), this isn't a huge thing to other people. In fact, I think you'll be surprised to hear how many people live with small, near-invisible disabilities.
posted by kariebookish at 9:34 AM on November 16, 2015 [19 favorites]
When it becomes relevant, yeah.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:36 AM on November 16, 2015
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:36 AM on November 16, 2015
If people list their favorite hobbies as hiking every weekend or long walks on the beach so that it seems they would highly prefer someone who will walk five miles at a time, then maybe those people could be given this potentially deal-breaking info on the first date. It probably doesn't matter to most other people.
posted by puddledork at 9:40 AM on November 16, 2015
posted by puddledork at 9:40 AM on November 16, 2015
For another perspective, I have mine in my dating profile. Not on the front page, not clinical, just a casual drop when relevant in my question explanations (on okc). I'm a proponent of "mention early and often" for myself personally, simply because it's easier for me if folks know exactly what they're getting into so I don't have to waste time on some asshole that might not be understanding. You don't have to say anything up front, just that I personally like to, it's useful to me.
Also, as a person who cannot run for medical reasons, I like to be able to head off any "no srsly anyone can run a marathon if you just want it enough" attitudes. No, inaccurate, stfu.
posted by phunniemee at 9:42 AM on November 16, 2015 [7 favorites]
Also, as a person who cannot run for medical reasons, I like to be able to head off any "no srsly anyone can run a marathon if you just want it enough" attitudes. No, inaccurate, stfu.
posted by phunniemee at 9:42 AM on November 16, 2015 [7 favorites]
I think you'll be surprised to hear how many people live with small, near-invisible disabilities.
Exactly, especially maybe-temporary ones. I think if it were me I'd just want to know more general stuff like
- How committed are you to fitness generally, like is it a thing you like and enjoy? (since I like fitness stuff personally. And yes, you swim)
- Do you have a generally positive body image? (because that's a thing I like in a person but someone can have a great body image and be dealing with various maladies or disabilities)
- How central is this issue to your life? Are you managing it as best you can?
Like, if it's a big deal for you, I'd want to know since that would be part of knowing you. If it's not that big a deal but it just affects some of your mobility, then I think it's really up to you when you want to let people know. Ultimately people are usually looking for a good fit more than someone who is entirely able-bodied, especially as we get past our 30s so keep that in mind. So to your last question, if people have a lifestyle where outdoor activity is central to it, you and they might not be a good fit at the moment. But it's also okay to ask. This isn't like a job interview (imo) where there might be utility in not letting people know you have a disability, let people know when it seems to be relevant to you.
As far as mentioning it I'd just bring it up like you did here. "I am on the mend form a foot surgery that went sideways leaving me with some nerve damage that they don't know if it's permanent or not, so I blablslblalblslvblee.... How about you, what do you like to do?"
posted by jessamyn at 9:43 AM on November 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
Exactly, especially maybe-temporary ones. I think if it were me I'd just want to know more general stuff like
- How committed are you to fitness generally, like is it a thing you like and enjoy? (since I like fitness stuff personally. And yes, you swim)
- Do you have a generally positive body image? (because that's a thing I like in a person but someone can have a great body image and be dealing with various maladies or disabilities)
- How central is this issue to your life? Are you managing it as best you can?
Like, if it's a big deal for you, I'd want to know since that would be part of knowing you. If it's not that big a deal but it just affects some of your mobility, then I think it's really up to you when you want to let people know. Ultimately people are usually looking for a good fit more than someone who is entirely able-bodied, especially as we get past our 30s so keep that in mind. So to your last question, if people have a lifestyle where outdoor activity is central to it, you and they might not be a good fit at the moment. But it's also okay to ask. This isn't like a job interview (imo) where there might be utility in not letting people know you have a disability, let people know when it seems to be relevant to you.
As far as mentioning it I'd just bring it up like you did here. "I am on the mend form a foot surgery that went sideways leaving me with some nerve damage that they don't know if it's permanent or not, so I blablslblalblslvblee.... How about you, what do you like to do?"
posted by jessamyn at 9:43 AM on November 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
I have a foot malformation that causes very similar problems - no walking long distances, running/jogging isn't possible, etc. I've always waited until it comes up naturally in conversation. For example, if a date mentions that they're a runner or I need to veto a date idea due to distance. It has never been anything close to an issue for anyone I've dated.
And I'll second what kariebookish said. I was extremely self-conscious of my foot earlier in life. But I've found that as I've gotten older it's just not a big deal. Everyone has quirks to work around when dating.
posted by a hat out of hell at 9:46 AM on November 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
And I'll second what kariebookish said. I was extremely self-conscious of my foot earlier in life. But I've found that as I've gotten older it's just not a big deal. Everyone has quirks to work around when dating.
posted by a hat out of hell at 9:46 AM on November 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
My husband and I met via a blind date, and he disclosed being a recovering alcoholic then, which completely wowed me. There's something very special about up front honesty about things that are hard to talk about. Having said that, he made that disclosure because I had a beer in front of me when he arrived and wanted to know if he wanted to order something too. I.e., he told me early on but it was part of the conversation, not a bolt from the blue.
So, yes, if you like the person and are hitting it off, but in a normal location in the conversation e.g. when someone talks about walking.
posted by bearwife at 10:45 AM on November 16, 2015
So, yes, if you like the person and are hitting it off, but in a normal location in the conversation e.g. when someone talks about walking.
posted by bearwife at 10:45 AM on November 16, 2015
Also, go ahead and set dates with whoever appeals to you. Don't limit yourself based on the fact they may be more active than you right now per their profile.
posted by bearwife at 10:48 AM on November 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by bearwife at 10:48 AM on November 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
I have nerve damage in both feet, and I mention it early and often simply because it can take people a surprisingly long time to catch on. (I'm not dating, but I do make new friends and visit with friends and family I haven't seen for a while, and I find it rare for someone to "get it" right away.)
It's also possible I mention it early because I'm self-conscious about being perceived as lazy. Example: It doesn't take an athlete or an outdoorsy type to enjoy wandering around the farmer's market then making dinner and cleaning up. But for me, walking to the train, standing on the platform, walking around Union Square, and getting back home means I'm already in pain. Standing in the kitchen to cook and/or clean up on that same day? Forget it. But if I power through and finally reach the end of my rope at cleanup time, it sounds like a convenient excuse.
I wouldn't necessarily write off outdoorsy types, as long as they and you can establish early on that you're both comfortable with a potential partner continuing to do those things with other friends. Why? Because if this is permanent (I hope it's not!), writing off athletic or outdoorsy people means you may as well write off everyone who enjoys museums, concerts at standing-only venues, wandering the city, and so on and so forth.
There are ways to work through all of those scenarios with someone who understands (to the extent they can, anyway), so I personally prefer to explain the situation and focus on whether we enjoy spending time together. If I've told someone several times and still end up feeling dragged around the city, we're both better off just being friends who sometimes visit for coffee (or for you, in the case of dating, probably not a good match).
This is just my experience, and I don't think you'd be wrong or dishonest to leave it out of early conversations.
posted by whoiam at 11:10 AM on November 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's also possible I mention it early because I'm self-conscious about being perceived as lazy. Example: It doesn't take an athlete or an outdoorsy type to enjoy wandering around the farmer's market then making dinner and cleaning up. But for me, walking to the train, standing on the platform, walking around Union Square, and getting back home means I'm already in pain. Standing in the kitchen to cook and/or clean up on that same day? Forget it. But if I power through and finally reach the end of my rope at cleanup time, it sounds like a convenient excuse.
I wouldn't necessarily write off outdoorsy types, as long as they and you can establish early on that you're both comfortable with a potential partner continuing to do those things with other friends. Why? Because if this is permanent (I hope it's not!), writing off athletic or outdoorsy people means you may as well write off everyone who enjoys museums, concerts at standing-only venues, wandering the city, and so on and so forth.
There are ways to work through all of those scenarios with someone who understands (to the extent they can, anyway), so I personally prefer to explain the situation and focus on whether we enjoy spending time together. If I've told someone several times and still end up feeling dragged around the city, we're both better off just being friends who sometimes visit for coffee (or for you, in the case of dating, probably not a good match).
This is just my experience, and I don't think you'd be wrong or dishonest to leave it out of early conversations.
posted by whoiam at 11:10 AM on November 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
I never understood all of this big deal made over "revealing" anything that might be amiss with our bodies. It's not like you need to hide it in the closet, right? It's nothing to be ashamed of, is it? It's your foot, a part of you. Just be yourself, and if it comes up, then deal with it. There's nothing to "reveal" or "disclose".
I have a laundry list of crap that's "wrong" with me, and I didn't let it keep me from dating (before I married the current hubs). If my date walked too far ahead, I'd say, "Hey, slow down, I have asthma." If someone suggested we eat at a Mexican restaurant, I'd say, "Well, I don't think they'd have anything on the menu that my stomach can handle (I have IBS and a host of things that go along with it)" and suggest we might eat somewhere more friendly to my delicate tummy. Dancing was routinely turned down because... yeah, that's not going to work (bad back, bad knees, and other fun stuff) and I would suggest an alternative. And, last but not least, any time anyone suggested we go for drinks, I flat out told them that alcohol didn't play well with my psych meds. And if hey asked, I'd tell them I have bipolar. End of story. If any or all of these things were deal breakers to them then I knew they weren't the right one for me. Better to know right up front than try to make it work with someone who isn't a good fit. And see how it worked out? I'm married to a wonderful guy and he is married to me. We're both pretty darned happy about it.
But for goodness sake, I'm not ashamed that my stupid body is waging war on me. It's nothing I've done. It's not like I want to be in pain all of the time. I'd really love to go dance and eat Mexican food. Walking used to be one of my favorite things to do until my lungs quit. I'm not going to apologize or be ashamed that I can't do it anymore. Nor was I going to wait for a right time to "reveal" that I have asthma or any of the other maladies that afflict me. They are a part of me, and who I am. You have a bum foot. It's part of you. Don't hide it. Don't be ashamed of it. Just deal with it as it comes along. Seriously.
posted by patheral at 11:12 AM on November 16, 2015
I have a laundry list of crap that's "wrong" with me, and I didn't let it keep me from dating (before I married the current hubs). If my date walked too far ahead, I'd say, "Hey, slow down, I have asthma." If someone suggested we eat at a Mexican restaurant, I'd say, "Well, I don't think they'd have anything on the menu that my stomach can handle (I have IBS and a host of things that go along with it)" and suggest we might eat somewhere more friendly to my delicate tummy. Dancing was routinely turned down because... yeah, that's not going to work (bad back, bad knees, and other fun stuff) and I would suggest an alternative. And, last but not least, any time anyone suggested we go for drinks, I flat out told them that alcohol didn't play well with my psych meds. And if hey asked, I'd tell them I have bipolar. End of story. If any or all of these things were deal breakers to them then I knew they weren't the right one for me. Better to know right up front than try to make it work with someone who isn't a good fit. And see how it worked out? I'm married to a wonderful guy and he is married to me. We're both pretty darned happy about it.
But for goodness sake, I'm not ashamed that my stupid body is waging war on me. It's nothing I've done. It's not like I want to be in pain all of the time. I'd really love to go dance and eat Mexican food. Walking used to be one of my favorite things to do until my lungs quit. I'm not going to apologize or be ashamed that I can't do it anymore. Nor was I going to wait for a right time to "reveal" that I have asthma or any of the other maladies that afflict me. They are a part of me, and who I am. You have a bum foot. It's part of you. Don't hide it. Don't be ashamed of it. Just deal with it as it comes along. Seriously.
posted by patheral at 11:12 AM on November 16, 2015
I'm the hiker/outdoorsy type who's response you are probably worried about, and I dated someone with a surprisingly similar issue to the one you have. This was "an issue" for us, but not at all for the reasons you are worried about.
The guy I dated waited WAY too long to say anything and just kind of tried to (unsuccessfully) hide or work around the issue without me knowing. This meant that either he was noticeably uncomfortable or would veto what seemed like every date idea I had with no explanation. I couldn't figure out the common thread of the types of activities he declined, so I stopped suggesting anything. His behavior trying to work around his foot issue in secret was really confusing for me - I mistook most of what he was doing as an indication that something was wrong in our relationship-It never occurred to me that this was all because he had a problem with his foot. By the time he finally did tell me about it, he had it built up in his head as this HUGE DEAL, and was sure that I would think his limitation was a "dealbreaker" and would immediately dump him because of it. I didn't think this was that big of a deal at all and started planning dates that involved less walking. What had previously been an invisible, undefined relationship problem was solved.
So while I don't think it's dishonest to wait to disclose this, I don't think you will do yourself any favors by waiting either. Also, it's super unlikely that someone you date will find this to be as big of a deal as it feels like it is to you. Best of luck, both in dating and getting the foot pain figured out!
posted by mjcon at 11:19 AM on November 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
The guy I dated waited WAY too long to say anything and just kind of tried to (unsuccessfully) hide or work around the issue without me knowing. This meant that either he was noticeably uncomfortable or would veto what seemed like every date idea I had with no explanation. I couldn't figure out the common thread of the types of activities he declined, so I stopped suggesting anything. His behavior trying to work around his foot issue in secret was really confusing for me - I mistook most of what he was doing as an indication that something was wrong in our relationship-It never occurred to me that this was all because he had a problem with his foot. By the time he finally did tell me about it, he had it built up in his head as this HUGE DEAL, and was sure that I would think his limitation was a "dealbreaker" and would immediately dump him because of it. I didn't think this was that big of a deal at all and started planning dates that involved less walking. What had previously been an invisible, undefined relationship problem was solved.
So while I don't think it's dishonest to wait to disclose this, I don't think you will do yourself any favors by waiting either. Also, it's super unlikely that someone you date will find this to be as big of a deal as it feels like it is to you. Best of luck, both in dating and getting the foot pain figured out!
posted by mjcon at 11:19 AM on November 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
Without dismissing your experience, this is really minor and I'd only mention it when it if it came up. I'm about your age and my friends and I all feel like we're falling apart slowly, bad knees etc. If you were 20 maybe a bit different.
posted by kitten magic at 11:56 AM on November 16, 2015
posted by kitten magic at 11:56 AM on November 16, 2015
It's not much of a disability. You might want to mention it in passing, but, it isn't a deal breaker. It won't affect your ability to provide for a wife and it isn't anything that will show up in your future kids. As a heterosexual woman in her early 40s, who frequents dating sites, it isn't anything that I would need to know up front. I'm more interested in if I can trust you and if you will make me laugh.
posted by myselfasme at 12:11 PM on November 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by myselfasme at 12:11 PM on November 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'd be more put off by someone calling this a "disability" than by the actual issue with your foot.
posted by Ideefixe at 12:26 PM on November 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Ideefixe at 12:26 PM on November 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I guess I should mention another facet of my situation : there's kind of a limit to how many "things" I can do in one day. Like, on a workday, I can go to work and go to one destination after work, but that's usually it. Or, on a weekend day, I could run one errand and go to one social event, and that's it. If it's a good day, I may also be able to cook a meal. If it's a bad day, I'm ordering in. So, it's the kind of thing where I always have to monitor my situation, and if I'm having a bad day, I may need to cut out an activity.
Another thing I worry about is that everybody talks about how much they love to travel. You see that on everybody's online dating profile. I love to travel, too, but I will be limited in what I can do when I travel. I may not be as active as someone else might be. I'm afraid someone will see that as a dealbreaker.
Of course, I'm totally okay with my (potential future) girlfriend doing things without me. Even if she wanted to go on a vacation without me, I would be okay with that.
posted by Sloop John B at 12:42 PM on November 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
Another thing I worry about is that everybody talks about how much they love to travel. You see that on everybody's online dating profile. I love to travel, too, but I will be limited in what I can do when I travel. I may not be as active as someone else might be. I'm afraid someone will see that as a dealbreaker.
Of course, I'm totally okay with my (potential future) girlfriend doing things without me. Even if she wanted to go on a vacation without me, I would be okay with that.
posted by Sloop John B at 12:42 PM on November 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
Totally up to you -- anyone who has an issue with you waiting three dates to say "I can't really go on a hike" can take one, as far as I'm concerned -- but for pure litmus test reasons, if you're online dating it can sometimes be worth mentioning a minor disability in your profile. Not because people need to know you aren't perfect before they have sex with you or anything, but because it gives people an opportunity to be considerate, and whether or not they take that opportunity can be telling. I was grateful that my boyfriend mentioned being hard of hearing (and graciously, subtly indicated which was his good ear) in his profile, because it allowed me to unobtrusively set up a date situation that was relatively quiet and let him sit on the better side. And meanwhile, he kinda noticed that I did that, and it was a point in my favor. You don't owe this information to anyone, but it might give a potential date the chance to say "let's take a cab" before you have to, which will make life easier for you and be gratifying to the kind of person who's likely to be a considerate partner.
posted by babelfish at 12:48 PM on November 16, 2015
posted by babelfish at 12:48 PM on November 16, 2015
I feel weird about the people dismissing this as a disability. I have a nerve thing going on in my leg — it's so far been untreatable and occured without explination. My case is mild but I could EASILY see how it could become debilitating for someone with a more severe case, especially if that disability came with a dearth of answers.
Since it's possible the nerve damage in your foot might eventually heal, here's what I'd do. Disclose, when you meet or are setting up a date (you'll quickly figure out when this is required — for example, if someone is suggesting a lot of physical activity for a date) that you are "recovering from surgery" (TRUE!) and that walking or standing for a long time is hard. If the person you are dating is in it for the long haul, they'll become a part of your healing/coping journey with you. If anyone gives pause around this, you know they're not the right person.
I personally wouldn't mention this in your online dating profile, but I would filter matches based on people who are like super into physical activity.
posted by Brittanie at 2:32 PM on November 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
Since it's possible the nerve damage in your foot might eventually heal, here's what I'd do. Disclose, when you meet or are setting up a date (you'll quickly figure out when this is required — for example, if someone is suggesting a lot of physical activity for a date) that you are "recovering from surgery" (TRUE!) and that walking or standing for a long time is hard. If the person you are dating is in it for the long haul, they'll become a part of your healing/coping journey with you. If anyone gives pause around this, you know they're not the right person.
I personally wouldn't mention this in your online dating profile, but I would filter matches based on people who are like super into physical activity.
posted by Brittanie at 2:32 PM on November 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
I came back to mention the Spoon Theory, because it might help you, OP, to explain to people once you've told them and it's clear they don't understand.
As I said in my comment earlier today, it takes some people a while to "get it" and I feel like that's being evidenced right here in some of the comments.
You call them "things" and my husband calls them "foot tokens" but they're the same as the "spoons" in that story, and I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. I hope your foot does heal, and in the meantime I hope you will be taken at your word when you explain your limitations. Best wishes.
posted by whoiam at 2:49 PM on November 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
As I said in my comment earlier today, it takes some people a while to "get it" and I feel like that's being evidenced right here in some of the comments.
You call them "things" and my husband calls them "foot tokens" but they're the same as the "spoons" in that story, and I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. I hope your foot does heal, and in the meantime I hope you will be taken at your word when you explain your limitations. Best wishes.
posted by whoiam at 2:49 PM on November 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
Have you read about the spoon theory of energy when you have a chronic illness. You might want to read about it.
What you describe is, to me, neuropathy, right? My daughter has neuropathy. She's 8. She's awesome. I generally tell people the first time we meet if our kids are going to be hanging out potentially. "Imogen has neuropathy," I say. "Do you know what that is?"
Then I give a fifteen second explanation in a usually pretty upbeat way. You know, not suicidal. Not that neuropathy in a child isn't complete shit, but I don't want anyone to Pitt her. And the first time is just to get the data out there and frame it as a non-tragedy.
If I were dating, I'd think about just saying that on the first date. The "do you know what that is" part is awesome because sometimes they do. Sometimes they ask questions, sometimes they don't, and the details flow pretty naturally as the relationship develops.
I don't think of it as a disability. Its not a confession. It is not a defect. And it's OK that you don't know the prognosis.
posted by orsonet at 3:05 PM on November 16, 2015
What you describe is, to me, neuropathy, right? My daughter has neuropathy. She's 8. She's awesome. I generally tell people the first time we meet if our kids are going to be hanging out potentially. "Imogen has neuropathy," I say. "Do you know what that is?"
Then I give a fifteen second explanation in a usually pretty upbeat way. You know, not suicidal. Not that neuropathy in a child isn't complete shit, but I don't want anyone to Pitt her. And the first time is just to get the data out there and frame it as a non-tragedy.
If I were dating, I'd think about just saying that on the first date. The "do you know what that is" part is awesome because sometimes they do. Sometimes they ask questions, sometimes they don't, and the details flow pretty naturally as the relationship develops.
I don't think of it as a disability. Its not a confession. It is not a defect. And it's OK that you don't know the prognosis.
posted by orsonet at 3:05 PM on November 16, 2015
This will be a big deal to some people. So mention it in your profile. Anyone who'd consider it a dealbreaker is someone you shouldn't want to waste your time going on dates with.
posted by John Cohen at 11:33 PM on November 16, 2015
posted by John Cohen at 11:33 PM on November 16, 2015
I really get where you are coming from. I have a chronic illness as well as various other 'getting older' things. Nonetheless, I personally don't announce my limitations because I feel like it's not relevant to getting to know *me*. You sound like a nice person with plenty of interests and it doesn't seem fair to you to potentially screen people out too early on. Or fair to them either. Maybe you hit it off with someone awesome and it turns out she spends every minute on the go... but maybe being with you makes her rethink that? You can work things out in a way that makes both of you happy even if on paper you would not seem right at all. I guess what I'm saying is, dating can be hard anyway, don't screen out potentials too early. It's like job hunting, why announce limitations upfront, if you're best for the job a good employer will work things out.
Like travel, everyone has different ideas and weird idiosyncrasies, even close friends. You can negotiate that stuff. Someone who wouldn't enjoy a trip unless you did absolutely everything together probably isn someone for you anyway, since you mention being cool with them doing stuff alone. There are ways of making things less exhausting when you travel and someone who values being with you will work out that stuff.
posted by kitten magic at 2:16 AM on November 17, 2015
Like travel, everyone has different ideas and weird idiosyncrasies, even close friends. You can negotiate that stuff. Someone who wouldn't enjoy a trip unless you did absolutely everything together probably isn someone for you anyway, since you mention being cool with them doing stuff alone. There are ways of making things less exhausting when you travel and someone who values being with you will work out that stuff.
posted by kitten magic at 2:16 AM on November 17, 2015
I love physical activity. I dated someone who had a physical issue that precluded all sports participation. And it was totally fine. I did my sporty stuff on my own, and we did other stuff together. I think it's good to disclose your needs. And you don't necessarily have to rule out sporty people.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 12:02 AM on May 26, 2016
posted by pseudostrabismus at 12:02 AM on May 26, 2016
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Sloop John B at 9:29 AM on November 16, 2015