Please help me survive my first week at a new job

November 9, 2015 5:46 PM

I love the company but my brain is torturing me with anxiety all day long

I just started a new job last thursday-- I'm basically an executive assistant in a small company in a creative field.

I've held a similar position before, when I had less qualifications and experience, and somehow made it through with promotions and great references and even referrals from the CEO himself.

But for some reason, as soon as I walk into the office, I feel my throat constricting, my stomach lurches and for the rest of the day I feel like I'm on the verge of tears. Rationally, I am completely aware that it's normal to feel nervous, and that i'll never make a good impression if I can't even speak a word to anyone due to feeling horrifically self-conscious . But unfortunately my reasoning capability is trapped in the same brain that is dishing out heaping portions of anxiety.

I know the reasons why i am feeling this way.
-I have a *crush* on this company,, i'm so impressed with them that I feel i don't deserve to work there.

- No matter how many accomplishments I ever get, my confidence for dealing with new situations never increases. i'm always scared shitless.

- Every situation in my life ever, where i have to be in a new environment (new school, new job, new apartment) where I don't know anyone and have to meet people from scratch, I always get clammed up with shyness for at least a few months. I am smart, but this adjustment period means that I often cannot show off my cleverness until I have graduated from the "clammed up zombie weirdo in the corner" phase. Luckily because I dress nice and smile a lot, I look pretty on the outside so no one asks questions.

-- it's an open concept office, and my two bosses are sitting about 3 feet from me all through the day.

-- When dealing with highly accomplished people, I always feel like a tiny ant and have trouble taking up space in their presence.

-- It's really hard to make a positive impression when my brain is torturing me on the inside. It also makes it harder to connect with co workers

-- I don't want my bosses to think I'm completely quiet and thus stupid.

Please for the love of god, help me deal with these thoughts as they arise throughout the day. This isn't as simple as just "try to relax" or "take a deep breath".. I really need actual strategies to deal with these thoughts and emotions. especially the one where I feel like I'm gonna cry.

posted by winterportage to Human Relations (14 answers total)

You might be allergic to success. Actually be your own keeper. When this starts, take manual control of your breathing. When you do that, layer it with positive statements. This is great! I am happy. I am OK. I love this! Let your anxiety become joy. So consciously breathe, and be your own best fan and keeper.
posted by Oyéah at 6:09 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

Sounds like there's a lot going on here! A lot of entrenched habits colliding with new stress. I don't know if this will help, but here are some strategies I've been using to deal with intrusive thoughts:

- When you recognize an intrusive thought, bring yourself back to the present. Lots of ways to do this: find an object in the room, spell it in your mind, spell it backwards, try to pronounce the backwards spelling, describe it to yourself in extravagant detail. The trick here is to break the thought spiral and come back to the present.

- Find a mantra that comforts your central fear, tell it to yourself, and back it up with action. For me it was "you deserve it" (in a good way, Weeknd vocal and all) and mindful self-care. Making myself wait to go to the bathroom until my bladder hurt? "You deserve" to go now. Going back and pick up something I forgot? "You deserve" to take the time. Bolster yourself with small actions. Pretend until it's real.

- Build an army of family and friends you trust and talk to them about this. Bring it up. Bring it up again.

- Try five minutes a day of dedicated meditation/mindfulness/quietly being in the present. Feel free to Google how and look for apps to help. It took me forever to try meditation, and I'm still pretty bad at it, but it helped me more than I thought it would.

- If you really want to cry, get to a bathroom and cry. It's not a very weird thing to do. It hurts, but opening that release valve can help.

- Practice, practice, practice. It's going to take a lot of work to rewrite those old brain pathways. The good news is it sounds like you have what it takes.

FWIW, your bosses won't think you're stupid just because you're quiet! Probably 99% of the new people I've ever worked face-to-face with seemed "quiet" at the beginning. There will be plenty of time later for piping up and standing out. For now, get your needs met.

I hope this helps. Good luck, good luck, good luck.
posted by AteYourLembas at 6:18 PM on November 9, 2015

This is pretty classic "distorted thinking" that is fueling anxiety (almost sounds like it's close to panic attack levels for you).

We're sort of "hard wired" as people to respond to the world (all the input that enters our sphere) with knee jerk/gut reaction thoughts. Frequently these thoughts are based more on what we bring into the event or moment as opposed to the reality of the data. Those thoughts fuel emotions, those emotions drive decisions/behaviors.

Example.... You walk into work, see this environment that you "have a crush on" and sit down next to people you feel are wonderful and talented. Your "thought" is "I don't deserve to be here, I can't achieve this level of performance."

But.... You've already told us that you ARE talented and smart so these "thoughts" are distorted...not based on facts but on the insecurities YOU brought into that moment.

CBT encourages us to go back to the thought and apply some truth filters... Is the thought true, is it based on real data, is it factual... as you start to identify that it ISN'T based on the truth, replace it with the truth....

Stop letting the distorted thinking drive the anxiety...

Honestly, it sounds like you're coping with this... you might find, however, that taking the time to work with a therapist on learning some of the basic strategies of CBT would be helpful in the long run..
posted by HuronBob at 6:32 PM on November 9, 2015 [4 favorites]

This sounds like impostor syndrome. This infosheet from Caltech might help you.
posted by 26.2 at 7:01 PM on November 9, 2015

I've been dealing with something like this, though less intense, at my new super dreamy job! It's hard to start something you're really excited about, man. It's amazing, but it's also a LOT of pressure. I found the book "The Charisma Myth" to be really helpful at giving me tips for overcoming this stress and self-defeating nonsense.
posted by c'mon sea legs at 7:17 PM on November 9, 2015

This is a long shot, I know, but is there any way for you to move a bit further away from your bosses? Or to put up a half-wall, or get some kind of vertical desktop filing tray setup to block them out just a bit? Are personal items (like tall plants) permitted?

I know the issue is bigger than that, but I think some small (even symbolic) barrier might help a bit with evaluation anxiety. (I think I'd have a hard time with a boss three feet away, too.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 7:18 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

I also have a lot of anxiety in new situations and had some similar feelings when starting my last job. Honestly the main thing that got me through it was meeting a good friend for lunch and getting a hug. (and out of the office for a bit) Wasn't the same friend every time, I recruited several people for this.

If this isn't possible (or even if it is) I second the mindfulness / meditation and just taking breaks from the environment when possible. Getting a bit of exercise on those breaks might help too.

I think you KNOW you deserve to be there, but anxiety sucks. Mine got better a lot sooner than I thought it would and I hope yours does too!
posted by seraph9 at 7:22 PM on November 9, 2015

If it's not too weird given the open floor plan, communicate with your bosses via email sometimes. If you sound articulate and smart via email, maybe it'll take the pressure off you feeling like you have to make a good impression when they're at your desk.

Give yourself permission to cry sometimes: before work, after work, during lunch. Maybe if you get it all out, you'll lose the urge to cry when you're at your desk.

Congrats on the new awesome job! The first couple of weeks of any new job, I feel the same way. But it always does get better.
posted by ilovewinter at 7:25 PM on November 9, 2015

Thirding the advice to give yourself permission to cry, if you can find a private place to do it. Give yourself a set amount of time (say, five minutes) to completely lose it, holding nothing back, after which you will take some deep breaths and carry on as if nothing happened. YMMV, but it's surprisingly effective for me in periods of high stress.

You're self-aware enough to realize these feelings are a pattern for you--does it help to compare your current situation with parallels from other jobs, and think about how the previous situations all worked out OK? If you're too overwhelmed at work to do this in the moment, can you write down some reassuring work narratives when you're home, then bring them with you at work to read to yourself when you're anxious?
posted by Owlcat at 8:03 PM on November 9, 2015

I'm usually very shy the first 6 months! For me, it's because I'm observing my surroundings and studying the culture and habits of the office. This time for you is a gift. Being quiet and near wallflower is great insight for you to explore your surroundings before you gain enough confidence to work the floor, so to speak. You must really really LOVE this job. Which is awesome! You have to repeat to yourself that you are worth every bit of this job and are allowed to experience every emotion running through you. You can admit you're nervous or at a stale mate. That's healthy and fine. One of the things that helps me is writing my morning pages. First thing in the morning I sit with my iPad and write down every weird thought from my head. It doesn't matter how weird, I just write it and it helps clear my thinking for the day. Practice doing them. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose!
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 8:24 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

Anxiety is such a personal thing, so what works for you may not work for me etc, but I have had very similar experiences.

Just knowing that new-job anxiety is a thing can be helpful. You know how when you run really fast, you breathe hard and your heart beats fast, but you don't think anything is wrong with you and you don't really worry about it because you know that's what's supposed to happen when you run? That's what I do now with anxiety triggers. "Oh, I know why I am feeling this way. XYZ situation always makes me feel like this." Just knowing why something is happening and being able to identify it allows you to step away from it and move on.

My first 6 months at my current job were a killer because I spent the whole time floundering to get my head around working in such a big, diffuse organisation spread out over a wide geographical area. 5 years on, I'm all settled, but I know that when I move to my next position, I'm going to experience the same thing. I know it's not going to be fun, but it's not going to paralyse me into not accepting a new job because I know what it is and what to do when it hits.

It's OK to be quiet in a new job. I personally think it's better not to say much until you've got the lay of the land, so to speak. People won't disrespect you or think you're boring. I actually think it's a bit risky to be too chatty right at the start without knowing who's up for a chat and who isn't.
posted by Ziggy500 at 2:26 AM on November 10, 2015

Would it help if you could think of your bosses/coworkers more as people? Like, not just Jane the Executive Vice President, but Jane who loves Cheetos and can never quite hit the trash can when she throws things in. Or what if you can mentally fast forward six months, when you're more settled in this job. Imagine yourself being bored doing something tedious, and making small talk for the umpteenth time with the same people. It's not always going to feel so shiny and new and scary, in the not-so-distant future it will feel pretty mundane.
posted by chickenmagazine at 2:47 AM on November 10, 2015

On the last part of your commute, turn on some high energy music that makes you feel like the baddest boss lady yourself and visualize walking in the office and KILLING IT with how good you are.
posted by hyperion at 5:23 AM on November 10, 2015

Starting a new job is so stressful! One thing that helps me in situations that I know are going to stress me out is to remember that there is a reason for the anxiety and to tell myself I don't need to react. Anxiety is supposed to be a trigger to tell our brains to be alert for something bad. But sometimes it gets short-circuited! Telling myself that I know I'm going to be anxious and that I don't have to react to or act on the anxiety is really helpful. (on preview, what Ziggy500 said)

Also maybe power posing would help? I have done it before stressful meetings.
posted by radioamy at 10:48 PM on November 10, 2015