Should I continue seeing a guy who just wants to have fun for now?
October 19, 2015 5:16 PM Subscribe
I've been going on dates with a guy I met from a dating app. He's in medical school so he has a busy schedule. We've seen each other 3x and we kissed on the last date. During the last date, I asked him what he's looking for and he said he wants someone to go out with and enjoy his time with outside of school. However, he doesn't know if he wants a relationship or not (ie. short term, long term).
He then asked me in returns and I told him that I only date with the intention of it leading to a serious relationship. However, I want to take the time to get to know someone well at the beginning before making any commitment and that I'm in no rush. He replied that he respects my wishes and will see how things progress. Up until this point, his actions have correlated with his words. He doesn't text me often between dates and doesn't put forth much effort to plan dates or to get to know me better. Also, on our last date, he ran into a friend and did not introduce me at all. Anyway, I'm okay with the slow pace we're going since we're both busy. I just don't know if I should continue seeing him knowing that his noncommittal mindset might or might not change the more time we spend together. Any advice would be much appreciated as I'm not very experienced in dating.
He then asked me in returns and I told him that I only date with the intention of it leading to a serious relationship. However, I want to take the time to get to know someone well at the beginning before making any commitment and that I'm in no rush. He replied that he respects my wishes and will see how things progress. Up until this point, his actions have correlated with his words. He doesn't text me often between dates and doesn't put forth much effort to plan dates or to get to know me better. Also, on our last date, he ran into a friend and did not introduce me at all. Anyway, I'm okay with the slow pace we're going since we're both busy. I just don't know if I should continue seeing him knowing that his noncommittal mindset might or might not change the more time we spend together. Any advice would be much appreciated as I'm not very experienced in dating.
"I don't know if I want a serious relationship" is usually a polite way of saying "I definitely don't want a serious relationship." Not always. But usually.
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:26 PM on October 19, 2015 [31 favorites]
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:26 PM on October 19, 2015 [31 favorites]
You're a busy lady. Don't waste your precious free time on someone who has expressly told you he doesn't want to be in a relationship! There are plenty of men on dating apps who are looking for serious relationships, too. You'll find one.
posted by sevensnowflakes at 5:27 PM on October 19, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by sevensnowflakes at 5:27 PM on October 19, 2015 [5 favorites]
He told you exactly his intentions, and you've told him yours. You aren't heading in the same direction.
His response is along the lines of, I want to and enjoy casually dating you up to and until you make a decision to want to make things serious, and then I've already given you the disclaimer way up ahead that I don't. Yours seemed to have been, It takes me a while to decide, but you held back the part where you actually would like to make that decision in a dating relationship that have definite potential to become long term.
Keep dating him if you can enjoy hanging with him on irregular dates. If he changes his mind eventually and you both like each other, bonus! But don't keep seeing him on the slim hope that he would.
posted by enlivener at 5:29 PM on October 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
His response is along the lines of, I want to and enjoy casually dating you up to and until you make a decision to want to make things serious, and then I've already given you the disclaimer way up ahead that I don't. Yours seemed to have been, It takes me a while to decide, but you held back the part where you actually would like to make that decision in a dating relationship that have definite potential to become long term.
Keep dating him if you can enjoy hanging with him on irregular dates. If he changes his mind eventually and you both like each other, bonus! But don't keep seeing him on the slim hope that he would.
posted by enlivener at 5:29 PM on October 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
Eh, he didn't introduce you, even as a friend? Rude, in any situation. When someone shows you who they are and all...
posted by Ruki at 5:36 PM on October 19, 2015 [17 favorites]
posted by Ruki at 5:36 PM on October 19, 2015 [17 favorites]
Yeah, so, if I could tell my younger self one thing, it would be to immediately stop seeing anyone who says they are ambivalent about a relationship if what I want is a serious relationship. Like, that is just-an end-of-the road, proceed-no-further moment. Nothing good comes of ignoring what someone says and making up a best-case scenario for yourself.
posted by nanook at 5:37 PM on October 19, 2015 [33 favorites]
posted by nanook at 5:37 PM on October 19, 2015 [33 favorites]
You may want to read this link:
http://www.thebolde.com/12-types-assholes-spot-late/
And a friend once told me, if we need to ask a guy about where this is going, we pretty much know it's not going anywhere. I agree with nanook, you need to move on. Peace
posted by dragonbaby07 at 5:49 PM on October 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
http://www.thebolde.com/12-types-assholes-spot-late/
And a friend once told me, if we need to ask a guy about where this is going, we pretty much know it's not going anywhere. I agree with nanook, you need to move on. Peace
posted by dragonbaby07 at 5:49 PM on October 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
You say you're looking for something that could develop into something more serious. He's already told you that's not what he's looking for. Your objectives don't match. Move on.
Don't waste your time waiting for someone to be ready for what you know you want. It's a losing proposition and wastes your time.
posted by quince at 5:55 PM on October 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
Don't waste your time waiting for someone to be ready for what you know you want. It's a losing proposition and wastes your time.
posted by quince at 5:55 PM on October 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
As a medical student, I'll say that my response (and behavior) would be the same as this guy's, even though in the long term I do eventually want to be in a serious relationship. I'm very busy and have very little free time, so there's just no way that I would be able to say after seeing someone three times that I want to sacrifice my very precious free time to be in a relationship. It's not because I use the people I'm dating or I'm a toxic commitment-phobe, but being in a relationship requires a level of investment of time and emotion that I am much more hesitant to give since starting medical school.
My suggestion would be to continue seeing him, but to maintain your level of investment at parity with his. What that means to me is not always being the one to plan dates, not planning elaborate dates, not bending over backwards to accommodate him just because you can, and continuing to date other people.
If after dating for a longer period he's still ambivalent -- or maybe you've met someone else, yay! -- go ahead and cut it off. But I wouldn't judge him immediately for being a busy but honest person.
posted by telegraph at 6:02 PM on October 19, 2015 [8 favorites]
My suggestion would be to continue seeing him, but to maintain your level of investment at parity with his. What that means to me is not always being the one to plan dates, not planning elaborate dates, not bending over backwards to accommodate him just because you can, and continuing to date other people.
If after dating for a longer period he's still ambivalent -- or maybe you've met someone else, yay! -- go ahead and cut it off. But I wouldn't judge him immediately for being a busy but honest person.
posted by telegraph at 6:02 PM on October 19, 2015 [8 favorites]
In my experience, "I don't know if I want a relationship or not" means, "I'm not looking for a relationship and I'm not going to it a priority or make time for it; but if the love of my life comes along I'm ready for it."
He won't make time for you in the way you want, in the way you're looking for. The other signs point to this as well. Move on.
posted by wemayfreeze at 6:02 PM on October 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
He won't make time for you in the way you want, in the way you're looking for. The other signs point to this as well. Move on.
posted by wemayfreeze at 6:02 PM on October 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
I realize that at 23 years old, your dating experience could be limited. From your question history, it seems that you've been asking several similarly-themed questions in a very short period of time about different men each time.
You're young, and serial dating at this age is supposed to be fun, not so stressful that you need to continue to solicit advice on your decisions based on attempting to read someone else's mind. Perhaps you would benefit from slightly altering your mindset while you dabble in online dating - instead of putting so much pressure on yourself and others on entering into a serious relationship, start trusting your instincts, start having fun with this part of your life, and focus on school and your own goals. Serious relationships generally don't come from overthinking and forcing things.
That said, it took me years to learn this simple lesson: if your gut instinct is any flavor of uncertainty or insecurity, it almost certainly means this guy is not for you because your goals are different (if you have to ask, it generally is a negative situation). A man who wants something serious with you will show you exactly that. You won't have to wonder why he doesn't text you, or call you, or if he is going to ask you out more than once a week. Oftentimes men will even say what they think you want to hear because telling the truth might be too uncomfortable.
Keep an open mind, have fun, and don't go looking too hard for something you think you want. These things happen organically, and attempting to engineer a relationship could end disastrously.
I wish you nothing but luck in finding what you want! At 23, you have the luxury of learning lessons quickly, maturing, and moving on. You say you are dating-inexperienced... here's your chance to increase the odds of that serious relationship happening as you gain more experience and learn to trust your instincts!
posted by Everydayville at 6:20 PM on October 19, 2015 [25 favorites]
You're young, and serial dating at this age is supposed to be fun, not so stressful that you need to continue to solicit advice on your decisions based on attempting to read someone else's mind. Perhaps you would benefit from slightly altering your mindset while you dabble in online dating - instead of putting so much pressure on yourself and others on entering into a serious relationship, start trusting your instincts, start having fun with this part of your life, and focus on school and your own goals. Serious relationships generally don't come from overthinking and forcing things.
That said, it took me years to learn this simple lesson: if your gut instinct is any flavor of uncertainty or insecurity, it almost certainly means this guy is not for you because your goals are different (if you have to ask, it generally is a negative situation). A man who wants something serious with you will show you exactly that. You won't have to wonder why he doesn't text you, or call you, or if he is going to ask you out more than once a week. Oftentimes men will even say what they think you want to hear because telling the truth might be too uncomfortable.
Keep an open mind, have fun, and don't go looking too hard for something you think you want. These things happen organically, and attempting to engineer a relationship could end disastrously.
I wish you nothing but luck in finding what you want! At 23, you have the luxury of learning lessons quickly, maturing, and moving on. You say you are dating-inexperienced... here's your chance to increase the odds of that serious relationship happening as you gain more experience and learn to trust your instincts!
posted by Everydayville at 6:20 PM on October 19, 2015 [25 favorites]
his noncommittal mindset might or might not change
Well hell, he might also turn into a pile of gold. Your car might become the Batmobile. Go ahead and be a chemistry major, it might turn into an art degree eventually!
This is a horrible way to go through life. When someone tells you they are not/do not have what you want, believe them, don't sit around waiting for them to recognize your preciousness. Because if he was really into you, and if he was ever really going to be into you he would be into you already*, he would not be harpooning his own chances by telling you "meh" right to your face.
Do not lap that up like table scraps.
It is fine to be looking for a relationship, even if it's not hip to be that way. It is fine to not want to just hook up and fuck around, and to prefer a little more of an agreement in your relationships. But that means there are people looking for something different than that and you should not date those people because you need to have that in common.
I know this behavior often comes from a place of low self-esteem, and the fear that if you don't beg for these scraps you'll starve, but try flipping it around and thinking about it like this: not everybody has to be into you. Not everybody's gonna even if you wait around for your time to come. He doesn't owe you a chance, and nothing you do will obligate him to. You don't get to have them all, so when one isn't feeling it, just let him have that and move on. There *will* be someone else, probably half a dozen or more of them before you find your terminal or serious-term relationship, in part because you are 22 and your peers are mostly shitheads still and it's years yet before they shake it off.
So let this one go. You take care of yourself. Don't settle.
*Yeah yeah, this one time someone you know met some guy and seven years later they got married and fairytale blah blah. You know why? Because seven years is an entire personality change, and you can skip the waiting around in between. This is not a reason to hang on to some guy who barely likes you.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:33 PM on October 19, 2015 [12 favorites]
Well hell, he might also turn into a pile of gold. Your car might become the Batmobile. Go ahead and be a chemistry major, it might turn into an art degree eventually!
This is a horrible way to go through life. When someone tells you they are not/do not have what you want, believe them, don't sit around waiting for them to recognize your preciousness. Because if he was really into you, and if he was ever really going to be into you he would be into you already*, he would not be harpooning his own chances by telling you "meh" right to your face.
Do not lap that up like table scraps.
It is fine to be looking for a relationship, even if it's not hip to be that way. It is fine to not want to just hook up and fuck around, and to prefer a little more of an agreement in your relationships. But that means there are people looking for something different than that and you should not date those people because you need to have that in common.
I know this behavior often comes from a place of low self-esteem, and the fear that if you don't beg for these scraps you'll starve, but try flipping it around and thinking about it like this: not everybody has to be into you. Not everybody's gonna even if you wait around for your time to come. He doesn't owe you a chance, and nothing you do will obligate him to. You don't get to have them all, so when one isn't feeling it, just let him have that and move on. There *will* be someone else, probably half a dozen or more of them before you find your terminal or serious-term relationship, in part because you are 22 and your peers are mostly shitheads still and it's years yet before they shake it off.
So let this one go. You take care of yourself. Don't settle.
*Yeah yeah, this one time someone you know met some guy and seven years later they got married and fairytale blah blah. You know why? Because seven years is an entire personality change, and you can skip the waiting around in between. This is not a reason to hang on to some guy who barely likes you.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:33 PM on October 19, 2015 [12 favorites]
Please move on. I was the other side of this recently. I don't have a lot of free time and was very up front about what I was looking for with someone I was dating. I checked in a few times over the course of dating- are you sure you're cool with this not being that serious? They said yes, we talked about it, I reiterated a few more times that I couldn't do a serious relationship at the moment. And of course, as soon as I got really busy and had to tend to other priorities in my life, it was a huge problem.
I'm not sure what else I could have done to make my intentions more clear. So please take this guy at his word.
posted by bradbane at 6:35 PM on October 19, 2015 [4 favorites]
I'm not sure what else I could have done to make my intentions more clear. So please take this guy at his word.
posted by bradbane at 6:35 PM on October 19, 2015 [4 favorites]
Yes, I've also been in this position and believe me - it won't change. I didn't believe it when people told me, thought my situation was special, etc. Which made it that much worse when it ended after a few months exactly as everyone had said it would. You're really have the good fortune here of a bunch of people who have gone before you giving you the benefit of their hindsight - please take it. You may have to learn this the hard way on your own (I did), but I hope you don't have to. There are lots of people out there who are looking for the same thing as you - go hang out with them instead.
posted by triggerfinger at 6:45 PM on October 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by triggerfinger at 6:45 PM on October 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
A while ago I was just starting graduate school and told the woman I was dating that I'd didn't have time for a relationship. In the dedication section of my dissertation I say that and also say "Thank goodness she didn't listen to me."
We've been married for over 20 years now. Obviously this is just one story, and your mileage will vary. But is there any harm in continuing to see him casually, as you are, until something better comes along? At that point you can present him with a choice.
posted by jasper411 at 6:59 PM on October 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
We've been married for over 20 years now. Obviously this is just one story, and your mileage will vary. But is there any harm in continuing to see him casually, as you are, until something better comes along? At that point you can present him with a choice.
posted by jasper411 at 6:59 PM on October 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
I dated a couple male medical students, one seriously for a few months. School is 100% the No. 1 priority; spare time is literally measured in hours per month. They know they're smart and think they're smarter than everyone else. The single ones know ladies will hear "medical school" and line up, hoping to land a future doctor. And after school they're going to aim for going to the best placement possible, but who knows where they actually end up... a girlfriend would complicate that situation further. So the single ones don't often make for great boyfriend/future husband material while they're still in school - they don't have time for you, and they don't care.
I have definitely learned to take guys for their word regarding what they're looking for, what they're like, and how they treat you in the early phases of knowing you (this is their best behaviour phase by the way). If you dislike how things currently are, walk away. Things aren't likely to get any better.
posted by lizbunny at 7:26 PM on October 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
I have definitely learned to take guys for their word regarding what they're looking for, what they're like, and how they treat you in the early phases of knowing you (this is their best behaviour phase by the way). If you dislike how things currently are, walk away. Things aren't likely to get any better.
posted by lizbunny at 7:26 PM on October 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
I don't know, I think this guy is getting judged unfairly. I read his response as being, "If I meet the right person, I'm happy to be in a relationship, I just don't know if you're that person yet." Isn't that most people? You start dating casually, then decide that you're ready to be more serious. I mean, if he had seen her twice and was telling her she was the love of his life and he wanted something super serious, most of us would be seeing red flags. He's just a normal person who wants to date and see where it goes. It doesn't read as asshole to me.
posted by Jubey at 7:35 PM on October 19, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 7:35 PM on October 19, 2015 [10 favorites]
I've also dated a couple of med students. One was very relationship-oriented and despite being really busy wanted to make time for me. One was not relationship-oriented and sounds like the guy you're talking about.
If a serious relationship is important to you, I'd be cautious about moving forward.
posted by bunderful at 7:39 PM on October 19, 2015
If a serious relationship is important to you, I'd be cautious about moving forward.
posted by bunderful at 7:39 PM on October 19, 2015
So here's the thing, even if by chance things do change, it'll be YEARS before they do and by years. I mean 5-10. And 5 is on the low side for a guy like this. However you're young so maybe that's fine, but at the same time it doesn't seem like from your question that you are the kind of person that can date someone for several years without really knowing where it's going. So even if maybe it got there one day, the uncertainty of it might make you miserable even if the actual time to get there was ok. I don't know. Just my read on the situation after seeing a lot of friends get into relationship like this around your age. A decade later maybe half are happily married, while the other half aren't very happy about the time and heartache they put into a relationship that wasn't going to lead to anything more than maybe splitting the rent for a few years.
posted by whoaali at 7:40 PM on October 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by whoaali at 7:40 PM on October 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
It depends if you are okay with casually dating him, knowing that you may have to let go of your expectations of it turning into a serious relationship. If you really feel you can't, then i think it's okay to be honest and go your own way. He told you what he thought, and I'm not really sure what your priorities are...but is waiting to see if his mind will change part of your priorities?
posted by yueliang at 8:09 PM on October 19, 2015
posted by yueliang at 8:09 PM on October 19, 2015
Over and over, I have learned that someone who tells you they are "not looking for a relationship right now" is ultimately not interested in you. When someone meets someone they think is really special, they will figure out how to be with them. I have never, ever been in a situation where the other person has obviously been fucking smitten with me, but they really and truly couldn't be in a relationship. And even in that situation, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't let you get away. They would communicate in some way that they wanted to be with you.
Now, it might be completely OK for you to keep casually dating this person who doesn't like you enough to get into a serious relationship. But you need to be really open with yourself that this is what it is. You can't fall for the "...right now" part of that sentence. This person will never want to be with you. You will always be a fun diversion for this person. If that's truly fine with you, go right ahead. But if you really want a serious relationship and are accepting a casual thing for the time being, believing that after this rotation or over the summer or next year things are going to change, you should move on and find someone who is actually excited about you.
posted by Sara C. at 8:28 PM on October 19, 2015 [8 favorites]
Now, it might be completely OK for you to keep casually dating this person who doesn't like you enough to get into a serious relationship. But you need to be really open with yourself that this is what it is. You can't fall for the "...right now" part of that sentence. This person will never want to be with you. You will always be a fun diversion for this person. If that's truly fine with you, go right ahead. But if you really want a serious relationship and are accepting a casual thing for the time being, believing that after this rotation or over the summer or next year things are going to change, you should move on and find someone who is actually excited about you.
posted by Sara C. at 8:28 PM on October 19, 2015 [8 favorites]
Reading your old questions you are putting so much angst into these situations. You're shooting yourself in the foot and being miserable doing it. If you like someone, keep seeing them for awhile. If you don't, don't. Learn as you go. We can't answer these questions definitively.
You'll be fine.
Edit: you should be suspect of anyone telling you they know what a stranger means. Only you can judge that and you will have to learn how if you don't have any idea because it's an important life skill. Like I said, you can do it. The best advice will caution or suggest, it will not be definitive unless it's can I eat it. The answer then is no. I only add this part because you've asked so many similar questions.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 8:56 PM on October 19, 2015
You'll be fine.
Edit: you should be suspect of anyone telling you they know what a stranger means. Only you can judge that and you will have to learn how if you don't have any idea because it's an important life skill. Like I said, you can do it. The best advice will caution or suggest, it will not be definitive unless it's can I eat it. The answer then is no. I only add this part because you've asked so many similar questions.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 8:56 PM on October 19, 2015
​When you say "I only date with the intention of it leading to a serious relationship," it sounds to me as if "a serious relationship" is an abstract goal for you that is divorced from any specific person. I'm having trouble understanding this. Isn't that putting the cart before the horse?
Maybe it's just me, but the way I think of it is, when you have found someone whom you really like a lot, then you start thinking about having a serious relationship with that particular person. To talk about the idea of a serious relationship with someone with whom you have had three dates and one kiss? That just does not make sense to me. (Unless, of course, you and he have really hit it off and you have a strong feeling that he is someone you really care for. But that does not sound like it's the case here. That can happen early on, but I'm not picking up that you are particularly interested in this specific guy, or that you even know him very well.)
I advise relaxing about all this, and enjoying the process of getting to know someone without pushing yourself and that person with talk of a "serious relationship" when you are in the early stages of dating.
I am not saying that you should stick with this guy if you're not really into him. On the other hand, I wouldn't dump a guy just because he's not ready to talk about the possibility of a serious relationship after just a few dates.
posted by merejane at 10:47 PM on October 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
Maybe it's just me, but the way I think of it is, when you have found someone whom you really like a lot, then you start thinking about having a serious relationship with that particular person. To talk about the idea of a serious relationship with someone with whom you have had three dates and one kiss? That just does not make sense to me. (Unless, of course, you and he have really hit it off and you have a strong feeling that he is someone you really care for. But that does not sound like it's the case here. That can happen early on, but I'm not picking up that you are particularly interested in this specific guy, or that you even know him very well.)
I advise relaxing about all this, and enjoying the process of getting to know someone without pushing yourself and that person with talk of a "serious relationship" when you are in the early stages of dating.
I am not saying that you should stick with this guy if you're not really into him. On the other hand, I wouldn't dump a guy just because he's not ready to talk about the possibility of a serious relationship after just a few dates.
posted by merejane at 10:47 PM on October 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
He did not introduce you when he ran into someone he knew?
Unless he barely spoke to them in your presence, and then indicated he actually hates this person with the heat of a thousand suns/sorry I did not introduce you to that asshole/they're an asshole... There is zero reason it wasn't thoroughly rude of him to ignore you and act like you did not deserve to be treated respectfully...
Block his number and move on. What an immature jerk.
posted by jbenben at 11:23 PM on October 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
Unless he barely spoke to them in your presence, and then indicated he actually hates this person with the heat of a thousand suns/sorry I did not introduce you to that asshole/they're an asshole... There is zero reason it wasn't thoroughly rude of him to ignore you and act like you did not deserve to be treated respectfully...
Block his number and move on. What an immature jerk.
posted by jbenben at 11:23 PM on October 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
Okay, so the next step after talking to someone and asking them what they want is believing what they say, and not hoping they will change.
Believe what he says. If it is highly important to you that you date only with the intention of going more serious, then he is not a good fit for you. If you would like to enjoy it while it is what it is, then he is a good fit for you as long as you are truly content with things as they are.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:27 PM on October 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
Believe what he says. If it is highly important to you that you date only with the intention of going more serious, then he is not a good fit for you. If you would like to enjoy it while it is what it is, then he is a good fit for you as long as you are truly content with things as they are.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:27 PM on October 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
"To talk about the idea of a serious relationship with someone with whom you have had three dates and one kiss? That just does not make sense to me."
Amen, merejane. We're talking about three dates and one kiss, homie. If I were on the receiving end of that kind of an OMG, SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP PLEASE?! inquiry so early on, with nothing at all really happening between us yet, it would feel both pressuring and jarring to me. Like you seem lovely but I hardly even know you, so please chill, and stop trying to level-jump!
Look, I get that you really want a serious boyfriend and this is anxiety-making for you, OP, but you need to learn to go with the flow a little more and just look at the guy's actions instead of his words. Here's the plain answer to the question you asked right here: "(1) He doesn't text me often between dates and (2) doesn't put forth much effort to plan dates or (3) to get to know me better. Also, on our last date, (4) he ran into a friend and did not introduce me at all."
Four clear signs you've mentioned that are Not Good, and he's not interested in more, and he does not see a future with you at this time. No amount of pressuring SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP talk is going to cure this particular disease. However, you taking a huge step back and no longer reaching out to him and dating other people though? Golden. Forget this guy and start doing that thing, please.
posted by hush at 6:44 AM on October 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
Amen, merejane. We're talking about three dates and one kiss, homie. If I were on the receiving end of that kind of an OMG, SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP PLEASE?! inquiry so early on, with nothing at all really happening between us yet, it would feel both pressuring and jarring to me. Like you seem lovely but I hardly even know you, so please chill, and stop trying to level-jump!
Look, I get that you really want a serious boyfriend and this is anxiety-making for you, OP, but you need to learn to go with the flow a little more and just look at the guy's actions instead of his words. Here's the plain answer to the question you asked right here: "(1) He doesn't text me often between dates and (2) doesn't put forth much effort to plan dates or (3) to get to know me better. Also, on our last date, (4) he ran into a friend and did not introduce me at all."
Four clear signs you've mentioned that are Not Good, and he's not interested in more, and he does not see a future with you at this time. No amount of pressuring SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP talk is going to cure this particular disease. However, you taking a huge step back and no longer reaching out to him and dating other people though? Golden. Forget this guy and start doing that thing, please.
posted by hush at 6:44 AM on October 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
I've definitely dated guys who were clear about just wanting to date 'for fun' - not leading to a serious relationship - and it was a lot of fun when I was also in a headspace of only wanting to date for fun, but really emotionally difficult when I was in a space of desiring progress toward a serious relationship. It sounds like you are in the latter boat, so I would suggest ending things.
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:43 AM on October 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:43 AM on October 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Listen to the words he says and assume he means what he says is a good starting point IMO.
posted by Sebmojo at 11:15 AM on October 20, 2015
posted by Sebmojo at 11:15 AM on October 20, 2015
Also, after looking at your question history: AskMefi is a great place to get good advice about this kind of thing but it's not an excuse to not make decisions about your own life
posted by Sebmojo at 11:17 AM on October 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Sebmojo at 11:17 AM on October 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
If I were on the receiving end of that kind of an OMG, SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP PLEASE?! inquiry so early on, with nothing at all really happening between us yet, it would feel both pressuring and jarring to me.
I don't think this is what's happening here. OP, it sounds like you both had a conversation about what you were expecting from a relationship in general, not just with each other, and the things you want are two different things.
I asked him what he's looking for and he said he wants someone to go out with and enjoy his time with outside of school
I think you should listen to him when he says what he wants. He's not specifically looking for a life partner, he's looking for fun hangouts, and school is his top priority right now. I think it is probably time to move on.
posted by capricorn at 11:19 AM on October 20, 2015
I don't think this is what's happening here. OP, it sounds like you both had a conversation about what you were expecting from a relationship in general, not just with each other, and the things you want are two different things.
I asked him what he's looking for and he said he wants someone to go out with and enjoy his time with outside of school
I think you should listen to him when he says what he wants. He's not specifically looking for a life partner, he's looking for fun hangouts, and school is his top priority right now. I think it is probably time to move on.
posted by capricorn at 11:19 AM on October 20, 2015
For the past several months you've been posting monthly/biweekly questions about dating. Not a problem here - they're fun to answer! But I know you're looking for a serious relationship and nearly every question is about some new guy.
Wondering what's happening that none of these guys have panned out for more than a month yet. I think you may have been spending too much time "online" with these guys and you would be better off going straight to meeting these guys in-person if their online profile seems interesting and they've passed preliminary scrutiny via maybe a day's worth of online messaging. Don't settle for text-based relationships, meet in-person a couple of times a week if they're of any interest to you.
Also, have you been talking to your friends about these guys you're dating? If not, try talking to the ladies in your life more, they'll enjoy it and want to be helpful. They can give you better perspective than us, since they'll know your personality better and can fully discuss the situation with you.
posted by lizbunny at 7:58 PM on October 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Wondering what's happening that none of these guys have panned out for more than a month yet. I think you may have been spending too much time "online" with these guys and you would be better off going straight to meeting these guys in-person if their online profile seems interesting and they've passed preliminary scrutiny via maybe a day's worth of online messaging. Don't settle for text-based relationships, meet in-person a couple of times a week if they're of any interest to you.
Also, have you been talking to your friends about these guys you're dating? If not, try talking to the ladies in your life more, they'll enjoy it and want to be helpful. They can give you better perspective than us, since they'll know your personality better and can fully discuss the situation with you.
posted by lizbunny at 7:58 PM on October 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by smorgasbord at 5:20 PM on October 19, 2015 [1 favorite]