Mom is moving up--what next?
October 19, 2015 4:44 AM Subscribe
My mother is moving from NYC, where she's lived for 30 years, to my town in the Boston 'burbs. It's a good location in an over 55 community that will give her independent mobility to Boston via public transit, and she'll see us, and our kidlet, regularly. But what else to do to make a good transition?
I'm looking for your advice on both the practicalities and the soft factors, like:
--any quirks in changing address for Social Security, Medicare, and her supplemental insurance,
--finding doctors and other social services, esp. in Massachusetts,
--setting boundaries and frameworks for family time with and without grandmother (what about vacations?)
--basically, everything.
If your parent or parents moved to be closer to you and your family, what worked? What didn't? What was unexpectedly hard, or unexpectedly easy?
I'd be grateful for any tips/advice. I'd like to make sure we lay a good foundation so this is a good experience for her and us!
I'm looking for your advice on both the practicalities and the soft factors, like:
--any quirks in changing address for Social Security, Medicare, and her supplemental insurance,
--finding doctors and other social services, esp. in Massachusetts,
--setting boundaries and frameworks for family time with and without grandmother (what about vacations?)
--basically, everything.
If your parent or parents moved to be closer to you and your family, what worked? What didn't? What was unexpectedly hard, or unexpectedly easy?
I'd be grateful for any tips/advice. I'd like to make sure we lay a good foundation so this is a good experience for her and us!
New Yorkers are spoiled babies. Make sure there is a decent source/supplier of bagels, pickles, or whatever other deli items she has become addicted to in her years here.
posted by sexyrobot at 6:43 AM on October 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by sexyrobot at 6:43 AM on October 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
When my grandmother moved to an assisted-living apartment, she said it was the nicest place where she had ever lived and still, she cried sometimes about how she missed her house and her garden. Even if your mother hated NY and loves the new place, it's still a change and a transition and that's hard. So I'd encourage you to try to be compassionate if she's saltier or moodier than usual. I'm sure you will be but just acknowledging that it's a change and being gentle with her will be helpful. And with yourself as well - it's a change for you too!
posted by kat518 at 7:56 AM on October 19, 2015
posted by kat518 at 7:56 AM on October 19, 2015
New Yorkers are spoiled babies. Make sure there is a decent source/supplier of bagels, pickles, or whatever other deli items she has become addicted to in her years here.
Conversely, point her in the direction of Wegman's in Burlington or Chestnut Hill and Boston's terrible pizza and bagels will be forgiven. It worked for my NYC born and bred parents.
posted by kinetic at 8:32 AM on October 19, 2015
Conversely, point her in the direction of Wegman's in Burlington or Chestnut Hill and Boston's terrible pizza and bagels will be forgiven. It worked for my NYC born and bred parents.
posted by kinetic at 8:32 AM on October 19, 2015
Remember that registering and insuring cars is different in Massachusetts than it is in New York City and she'll have to make sure that the insurance she uses will work in Massachusetts. Get her set up with a library card right away and maybe on the library's mailing list. If they do book groups or other activities for a 55+ people she may find a community of like-minded people there that she enjoys. And using interacting with the libraries are pretty easily transferable skill. If she's a Massachusetts resident, she can also get a Boston Public Library card which will give her access to potentially a lot more resources than just the local public library. Same thing with adult education courses if she's curious and likes to learn new things.
My mother and sister live near each other and one of the things that's really great is the ability for them to look in on each other's cats when one of them travels or having a back up place to hang out in case somebody needs to get work done on the bathroom or something like that. The big boundary they've had to put in place is not just unannounced visits but stopping by with other people. So it's possible that you may have decent boundaries with your mother but that your mom may wind up making new friends but also sort of seeing your place as her living room and you'll have to make sure you're on the same page with that.
Negotiating holidays can sometimes be tricky especially if you spend time with your wife's family sometimes, but if your mom has moved nearby pretty much solely to be with you it usually means that any hometown holidays will at least include her for part of it.
posted by jessamyn at 8:52 AM on October 19, 2015
My mother and sister live near each other and one of the things that's really great is the ability for them to look in on each other's cats when one of them travels or having a back up place to hang out in case somebody needs to get work done on the bathroom or something like that. The big boundary they've had to put in place is not just unannounced visits but stopping by with other people. So it's possible that you may have decent boundaries with your mother but that your mom may wind up making new friends but also sort of seeing your place as her living room and you'll have to make sure you're on the same page with that.
Negotiating holidays can sometimes be tricky especially if you spend time with your wife's family sometimes, but if your mom has moved nearby pretty much solely to be with you it usually means that any hometown holidays will at least include her for part of it.
posted by jessamyn at 8:52 AM on October 19, 2015
My mother moved to live near us in June.
For me the hardest part has been boundary setting, and one way I'm finding to manage it is to have set nights of the week that she comes over for dinner, and I was explicit with her that I need her to check with me otherwise before dropping by--I work from home and it's not always convenient to have her show up unannounced. There've been weird little speed bumps like, since we have all our windows open when the weather is pleasant, she'll come over and just holler at me through the window, which is kind of a city-living no-no that she doesn't grok because her previous living situation was different.
We've gone on some trips with her and some without and usually there's a good enough reason for not inviting her along that doesn't require explanations.
I helped her with things like finding her apartment and getting signed up on the state insurance exchange to some extent, but also encouraged her to use existing framework for some of the things she needed to do--after a lifetime on group insurance through her work, for example, it turned out to be amazingly difficult to work through the insurance issue so I set her up with an appointment with a trained navigator (a free service through our state). The kids showed her how to use the map function on her smart phone so she could handle things like DMV visits and any errands that aren't within walking distance of her neighborhood.
Another boundary-related issue we've had is that Mom's always given our kids tons of presents when she sees them, reasoning that she didn't see them often so it made her feel good to do this. Now that she sees them frequently we had to get pretty serious about cutting this off, and it's down to a trickle but she's still finding things as she gets settled that she carts over to us. We made it very clear that anything we can't actually use will be donated, so bring things over with that in mind.
Mom really misses her conception of her old home and life, even though she'd been in a deep depression for the last several years and wasn't really having a life. It's difficult sometimes for me to understand but I try really hard. I have a sister in another state and we discussed that I will sometimes need to vent to her (and mom will need to vent to her too) and while that's hard on sis, it's just her role in this right now, and I try to respect her availability to be vented at and not take advantage. Ditto my husband, who has been surprisingly great through the process but really does not need to hear every single feeling I have about my mom at all times. Sometimes you just have to suck it up if it's a little challenging and figure out a way to get past it, so that when you really need to talk something out with an interested bystander, they're still interested in talking about it.
I tend to want my mother to follow a checklist of things I think she should be doing to get in the swing of her new life but she's not going to do them just because I mention them more than once, so if you find yourself suggesting a new church mom should visit or a museum she could volunteer at or whatever, remember that mom's a grown-ass lady and can figure a lot of things out just fine on her own. She'll ask you for your thoughts when she needs them.
Ultimately I'm feeling positive about how things are going with my mom. If you'd asked me three months ago I wouldn't have said that, and if you ask me in six more months, who knows what I might have to say. It's a more involved process having my mom move three blocks from my house than it was when we moved within two hours of my inlaws, for sure.
posted by padraigin at 8:57 AM on October 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
For me the hardest part has been boundary setting, and one way I'm finding to manage it is to have set nights of the week that she comes over for dinner, and I was explicit with her that I need her to check with me otherwise before dropping by--I work from home and it's not always convenient to have her show up unannounced. There've been weird little speed bumps like, since we have all our windows open when the weather is pleasant, she'll come over and just holler at me through the window, which is kind of a city-living no-no that she doesn't grok because her previous living situation was different.
We've gone on some trips with her and some without and usually there's a good enough reason for not inviting her along that doesn't require explanations.
I helped her with things like finding her apartment and getting signed up on the state insurance exchange to some extent, but also encouraged her to use existing framework for some of the things she needed to do--after a lifetime on group insurance through her work, for example, it turned out to be amazingly difficult to work through the insurance issue so I set her up with an appointment with a trained navigator (a free service through our state). The kids showed her how to use the map function on her smart phone so she could handle things like DMV visits and any errands that aren't within walking distance of her neighborhood.
Another boundary-related issue we've had is that Mom's always given our kids tons of presents when she sees them, reasoning that she didn't see them often so it made her feel good to do this. Now that she sees them frequently we had to get pretty serious about cutting this off, and it's down to a trickle but she's still finding things as she gets settled that she carts over to us. We made it very clear that anything we can't actually use will be donated, so bring things over with that in mind.
Mom really misses her conception of her old home and life, even though she'd been in a deep depression for the last several years and wasn't really having a life. It's difficult sometimes for me to understand but I try really hard. I have a sister in another state and we discussed that I will sometimes need to vent to her (and mom will need to vent to her too) and while that's hard on sis, it's just her role in this right now, and I try to respect her availability to be vented at and not take advantage. Ditto my husband, who has been surprisingly great through the process but really does not need to hear every single feeling I have about my mom at all times. Sometimes you just have to suck it up if it's a little challenging and figure out a way to get past it, so that when you really need to talk something out with an interested bystander, they're still interested in talking about it.
I tend to want my mother to follow a checklist of things I think she should be doing to get in the swing of her new life but she's not going to do them just because I mention them more than once, so if you find yourself suggesting a new church mom should visit or a museum she could volunteer at or whatever, remember that mom's a grown-ass lady and can figure a lot of things out just fine on her own. She'll ask you for your thoughts when she needs them.
Ultimately I'm feeling positive about how things are going with my mom. If you'd asked me three months ago I wouldn't have said that, and if you ask me in six more months, who knows what I might have to say. It's a more involved process having my mom move three blocks from my house than it was when we moved within two hours of my inlaws, for sure.
posted by padraigin at 8:57 AM on October 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
Agree that setting specific regular days for visiting is useful; it avoids potential awkwardness or inconvenience on both sides. Not that it has to be unchanging immutable law, but just a good general rule.
Massachusetts, like most states, has a number of governmental resources related to seniors. Maybe your mom will never need them or isn't the type of person who'd want to but it can be useful to know they exist. The big one is the Elder Affairs office, and theres a general list here (PDF link).
Not relevant for your question since I assume there will be staff at her community to handle this but in general for those relocating from NYC to the Boston 'burbs snow is a bigger problem and for older people you'll want to have a plan in place for who will clear the driveway/sidewalk. Getting around in the winter in general can be a bigger issue for seniors in winter, though the situation won't be dramatically different from New York. Making sure there are ways for people to safely get to church/grocery store/whatever is worth devoting some thought to.
posted by Wretch729 at 9:05 AM on October 19, 2015
Massachusetts, like most states, has a number of governmental resources related to seniors. Maybe your mom will never need them or isn't the type of person who'd want to but it can be useful to know they exist. The big one is the Elder Affairs office, and theres a general list here (PDF link).
Not relevant for your question since I assume there will be staff at her community to handle this but in general for those relocating from NYC to the Boston 'burbs snow is a bigger problem and for older people you'll want to have a plan in place for who will clear the driveway/sidewalk. Getting around in the winter in general can be a bigger issue for seniors in winter, though the situation won't be dramatically different from New York. Making sure there are ways for people to safely get to church/grocery store/whatever is worth devoting some thought to.
posted by Wretch729 at 9:05 AM on October 19, 2015
The main issue we've had with my relocated mother (who provides all kinds of after-school care and general support) is that she's pretty high maintenance. This takes the form of lots of desperate calls for computer help/errands/research projects/changes in schedule on 12-24 hour notice, and a difference of opinion about how much life support is reasonable from two working parents (to her) and cycles of guilt on our end. It has been made to work, basically because Offspring gets so much from the grandmotherly relationship, but that Sandwich Generation thing is real. That she's in a community with some degree of support may make a difference -- my mother is living independently in the Big City, and her yardstick is the care she gave her own mother when she had no other work or parental responsibilities --- thus all the calls for assistance...
posted by acm at 9:12 AM on October 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by acm at 9:12 AM on October 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
One thing that will help with boundaries is if she has a life outside your family and kid. If she has nothing to do and no social outlets except being mom and grandma, boundaries are going to blur, you and your spouse will feel put-upon, and your mom will feel lonely and at loose ends.
Did she go to church or synagogue when she lived in New York? If so, maybe check around to churches near her new home so she will have a new church/synagogue family. If she's atheist or agnostic, the Unitarian Universalists are a great alternative for those who want the warm and fuzzy community parts of church without the religion.
Most communities have senior centers. The one my dad went to had all kinds of activities - lunch, exercise groups, bridge and other card playing groups, crafts, chartered buses to plays and casinos, you name it. If you can hook Mom up with her nearest senior center, that would be great. Does her "over 55" community" offer activities? That will help her make new friends.
Seconding Jessamyn's suggestion to get her a library card ASAP! If she doesn't have a Kindle or iPad or other tablet, maybe get her one of those so she can check out e-books as well as dead-tree books.
The more of her own life Mom has, the better all of your boundaries will be.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 9:25 AM on October 19, 2015
Did she go to church or synagogue when she lived in New York? If so, maybe check around to churches near her new home so she will have a new church/synagogue family. If she's atheist or agnostic, the Unitarian Universalists are a great alternative for those who want the warm and fuzzy community parts of church without the religion.
Most communities have senior centers. The one my dad went to had all kinds of activities - lunch, exercise groups, bridge and other card playing groups, crafts, chartered buses to plays and casinos, you name it. If you can hook Mom up with her nearest senior center, that would be great. Does her "over 55" community" offer activities? That will help her make new friends.
Seconding Jessamyn's suggestion to get her a library card ASAP! If she doesn't have a Kindle or iPad or other tablet, maybe get her one of those so she can check out e-books as well as dead-tree books.
The more of her own life Mom has, the better all of your boundaries will be.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 9:25 AM on October 19, 2015
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posted by IncognitoErgoSum at 6:16 AM on October 19, 2015