Uncertainty of Death (Perspective of a Friend)
October 15, 2015 9:55 PM   Subscribe

My good friend is in the hospital across the country. She is my age (mid-20s) and has a ton of potential. Because of school and money I only have one chance to fly out, so I won't be visiting her (she is also heavily sedated anyways). There is an at least 50% chance she will die of this (though that is an older number and it has likely gotten worse since then). I'm looking for quotes, poems, prayers, or stories not for her, but for her friends, to help deal with this uncertainty and stress.

I've been able to find stuff for grieving, and I've been able to find stuff for people who are friends of those with terminal diseases, and I've been able to find stuff that would be great for my friend, but my friend is neither dead nor is she terminal. I'm struggling with is the uncertainty and the stress of the situation. Especially the stress of updates on her condition. This has been going on for three weeks, and could continue on for several more weeks. The longer she is like this does not mean she is more likely to survive.

I have been talking to a professional. I've been leaning on my friends a lot too but I also can't be with them all the time and would really like some stuff to read on my own too. If it could be neutral or geared towards friends, not family, that would be great, but really isn't necessary. Either secular stuff or Jewish, please. Does this stuff exist?

If specific stuff doesn't exist then maybe just general stuff that people who were in a similar situation read and got comfort from would be nice.

I'm going to thread sit for a little bit tonight in case I didn't provide enough information, but I'd prefer not to provide information about her condition since that's her private info. Also I'm sorry that this is so poorly written.
posted by obviousresistance to Human Relations (12 answers total) 11 users marked this as a favorite
 
Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart is all about learning to live with uncertainty, especially in times of trauma or tragedy. I'm sure there are appropriate quotations there.
posted by jaguar at 10:08 PM on October 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron (an American teacher who became a Buddhist nun) is very accessible (relatable, lots of short chapters) and very comforting. Hugs!
posted by jrobin276 at 10:54 PM on October 15, 2015 [5 favorites]


I've found considerable guidance from To Shine One Corner of the World. It's a collection of the remembrances of the California students of Shunryu Suzuki Roshi, the Zen master who founded the first Buddhist monastery outside of Asia. The collection spans a great deal of exchanges about doubt, uncertainty, and loss in a gentle, human, relatable way. It's moments and flashes, not deep analysis.

I realize that this doesn't quite conform to your request for secular or Jewish writings, but I don't think it necessarily falls outside of it, either. Regardless, support here for both your friend and you.
posted by Graygorey at 11:38 PM on October 15, 2015


I found much comfort in "Being Mortal" by Atul Gawande. Much of it is about living when old and/or disabled, but he speaks of death, and he is so clear-eyed and warm-hearted.

And nothing Pema Chodron.
posted by kestralwing at 12:36 AM on October 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


not warm hearted, or supportive (or even very imaginative), and i guess literally more about old age, but do not go gentle into that good night connects with what i feel at times like this. take care.
posted by andrewcooke at 1:15 AM on October 16, 2015


I don't know precisely why but the novel by Connie Willis Doomsday Book about time travel to the black plague period was very helpful when I was coming to grips with a diagnosis of likely to die suddenly chronic condition. The book is about death and life and how we live, and what remembering and telling those stories if lives gone means. Gerald Manley Hopkins and Wendell Berry are very helpful poets about mortality too
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 4:21 AM on October 16, 2015


Villon by Basil Bunting
posted by y2karl at 5:26 AM on October 16, 2015


Psalm 130:

Out of the depths I call You, O LORD.
O Lord, listen to my cry;
let Your ears be attentive
to my plea for mercy.
If You keep account of sins, O LORD,
Lord, who will survive?
Yours is the power to forgive
so that You may be held in awe.

I look to the LORD;
I look to Him;
I await His word.
I am more eager for the Lord
than watchmen for the morning,
watchmen for the morning.

O Israel, wait for the LORD;
for with the LORD is steadfast love
and great power to redeem.
It is He who will redeem Israel from all their iniquities.
posted by thetortoise at 5:29 AM on October 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


Not sure if this is quite what you're looking for, but one classic book about suffering, death, etc. was written by a rabbi: When Bad Things Happen to Good People.

It's old enough that your library would probably have a copy or two.
posted by tuesdayschild at 7:29 AM on October 16, 2015


I have found a lot of comfort in the poetry of Mary Oliver. There is a quiet appreciation for life and the world in her poems that has always brought me a little light in the darkest of times. You can find some online, but your best best is her collected works, either on Amazon or at the library.

An example of her style:

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
posted by lydhre at 8:05 AM on October 16, 2015 [7 favorites]


Response by poster: Thank you so much. I ordered When Things Fall Apart, and found When Bad Things Happen and Mary Oliver's poems at the library (this doesn't mean I don't want to check out the rest--I just started with the cheapest options)
posted by obviousresistance at 4:50 PM on October 16, 2015


Response by poster: My friend passed away this morning.

I so appreciate all the suggestions here. I'm bringing a lot of the books on the plane with me.
posted by obviousresistance at 12:55 PM on October 31, 2015 [1 favorite]


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