I'm having reservations about filing for divorce and I'm not sure why.
October 7, 2015 11:22 AM Subscribe
I've been separated from my wife for two-plus years. We both have lives in different parts of the country and are in serious relationships with other people. There's no way that we could or should be together, but we're both having a hard time accepting the idea of getting a divorce and I'm not sure why.
Initially, she was going to handle the filing, but she told me that she was too busy and that, although she knows it's silly, she was having a hard time going through with it. I took over the filing procedures, but I'm having the same feeling of reluctance and uncertainty.
I've been in a good relationship for over a year, and I know that I need to do this to move on with the relationship. My wife and I have hung out and we talk on the phone once in a great while, and it's always kind of awkward because we're not really a part of each others' lives anymore. I know that we don't have a future together (for reasons that include that she identifies as a lesbian now), but still, these feelings persist. Why? Is this normal?
Initially, she was going to handle the filing, but she told me that she was too busy and that, although she knows it's silly, she was having a hard time going through with it. I took over the filing procedures, but I'm having the same feeling of reluctance and uncertainty.
I've been in a good relationship for over a year, and I know that I need to do this to move on with the relationship. My wife and I have hung out and we talk on the phone once in a great while, and it's always kind of awkward because we're not really a part of each others' lives anymore. I know that we don't have a future together (for reasons that include that she identifies as a lesbian now), but still, these feelings persist. Why? Is this normal?
Totally normal but not a reason to not do it.
People hate change, and divorce carries a stigma of having failed or done it wrong or admitting defeat. It sucks, and it's fine to acknowledge that and make sure you step up your self-care a little, but also get it over with.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:40 AM on October 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
People hate change, and divorce carries a stigma of having failed or done it wrong or admitting defeat. It sucks, and it's fine to acknowledge that and make sure you step up your self-care a little, but also get it over with.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:40 AM on October 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
It may be that you are mourning the lost of the marriage, not your spouse. It is the loss of a life spent with another person, possible children, possible grandchildren.
At least this is what my therapist told me when I asked the same question. It is okay to feel sad, it doesn't mean you are doing the wrong thing.
posted by JujuB at 11:43 AM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
At least this is what my therapist told me when I asked the same question. It is okay to feel sad, it doesn't mean you are doing the wrong thing.
posted by JujuB at 11:43 AM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
Maybe look at it as another shared experience...
it sounds as if you could develop into great friends, even if you no longer have frequent contact.
posted by calgirl at 12:53 PM on October 7, 2015
it sounds as if you could develop into great friends, even if you no longer have frequent contact.
posted by calgirl at 12:53 PM on October 7, 2015
Separated for four years in different parts of the country, both well into new partnerships, initial separation itself was pretty gruesome, contact afterwards relatively limited, terms easy to finalize - still cried every time I had to go to the courthouse. Totally normal.
Why? Because as babelfish said: it's just hard. I would also say that there was something that felt shameful about having to declare what felt like my profound failure to strangers in a courthouse and, you know, to the anonymous world of the state. I would also say that it felt like an existential crisis to render the complex emotional contours of my marriage - the ending of which was so deeply painful - into forms and fees. Maybe I would also say that navigating the bureaucracy might have made me cry no matter what my feelings about my marriage were: a thousand things to do -and in some cases do over again to get them right - in an already busy life short on time and money. It was frustrating to feel like I had to go through yet another and a different process to end my marriage because the first emotional and pragmatic processes were so hard, and I was happy to imagine that I'd moved on and set it all behind me. The legality was therefore a reminder that there was still more blood to wring out of that stone.
Good luck. It really is nice to have all the loose ends tied up now.
posted by pinkacademic at 1:09 PM on October 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
Why? Because as babelfish said: it's just hard. I would also say that there was something that felt shameful about having to declare what felt like my profound failure to strangers in a courthouse and, you know, to the anonymous world of the state. I would also say that it felt like an existential crisis to render the complex emotional contours of my marriage - the ending of which was so deeply painful - into forms and fees. Maybe I would also say that navigating the bureaucracy might have made me cry no matter what my feelings about my marriage were: a thousand things to do -and in some cases do over again to get them right - in an already busy life short on time and money. It was frustrating to feel like I had to go through yet another and a different process to end my marriage because the first emotional and pragmatic processes were so hard, and I was happy to imagine that I'd moved on and set it all behind me. The legality was therefore a reminder that there was still more blood to wring out of that stone.
Good luck. It really is nice to have all the loose ends tied up now.
posted by pinkacademic at 1:09 PM on October 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
It is beyond normal and my heart aches a bit in sympathy for you. This is the emotional band-aid you just need to pull off. It hurts to think about, and it may well hurt more to go through with it, but once you feel the fresh air you'll be so glad it is behind you.
I'm not a huge fan of the idea of 'closure' in the way pop-culture defines it. Your past will always be your past. But, it sounds like this is a thing to put there and finish the papers that allow you to not need to come back and touch it. There is no better answer to your "why?" than that you are human and it's perfectly okay.
posted by meinvt at 1:38 PM on October 7, 2015
I'm not a huge fan of the idea of 'closure' in the way pop-culture defines it. Your past will always be your past. But, it sounds like this is a thing to put there and finish the papers that allow you to not need to come back and touch it. There is no better answer to your "why?" than that you are human and it's perfectly okay.
posted by meinvt at 1:38 PM on October 7, 2015
Best answer: The pain that navigating the bureaucracy caused in dealing with finalizing my divorce is a huge reason I'm really, really wary about ever getting married again. My ex-husband refused to go to the court date with me (he didn't have to, and I understand why and it was okay with me).
Having to stand in front of a judge and affirm that yes, we had tried to resolve our differences and failed was really, really painful, never mind the scary and intimidating process as a whole. We had hired a lawyer friend as a mediator/to draw up the paperwork for our officially amicable pro se divorce, and thank goodness I had a friendly face there with me.
It was hard for me because I had also moved on and was in a new relationship, and my new SO was so happy my divorce was final, and meanwhile I was feeling this mix of joy and sadness and confusion and lingering anger and all kinds of things. So be wary about that and hopefully your new SO will be understanding.
Just another voice chiming in to say, "totally normal." Good luck.
posted by misskaz at 1:49 PM on October 7, 2015
Having to stand in front of a judge and affirm that yes, we had tried to resolve our differences and failed was really, really painful, never mind the scary and intimidating process as a whole. We had hired a lawyer friend as a mediator/to draw up the paperwork for our officially amicable pro se divorce, and thank goodness I had a friendly face there with me.
It was hard for me because I had also moved on and was in a new relationship, and my new SO was so happy my divorce was final, and meanwhile I was feeling this mix of joy and sadness and confusion and lingering anger and all kinds of things. So be wary about that and hopefully your new SO will be understanding.
Just another voice chiming in to say, "totally normal." Good luck.
posted by misskaz at 1:49 PM on October 7, 2015
Agreeing that it is totally normal. Everyone I know who has gone through divorce have pretty much taken a long time to wrap things up on the legal side of things, myself included. There are a lot of moving parts in most divorces, and when you have lots of feelings it can be hard to get all those moving parts aligned. However, I will tell you that when we finally sorted everything out and filed and went to court, there was palatable relief, and a shifting of energy in my life. My boyfriend had been married in Sweden, and he was still married when we met, and were dating for about two years when he finally sent the one little piece of paper he needed to in order to get divorced in Sweden. I didn't care that he wasn't divorced when we started dating, but him making a point of doing it made a difference to me too.
posted by momochan at 4:44 PM on October 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by momochan at 4:44 PM on October 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
It took me and my ex nearly ten years to file for divorce, and I'm pretty sure he still regrets it, because it meant he'd finally let that door swing all the way closed - despite the fact that he and his girlfriend had a baby on the way, and I'd been in a relationship of my own for a couple years.
It's always possible for things to change again, however, if it comes to that someday. My ex-mom-in-law married - and divorced - my ex's step-dad three times before he passed away. And each time, they were SURE it was going to work. And it would, for a while, til she wouldn't let it.
All to say - do what feels right to you. It doesn't matter unless one of you has immediate plans to marry someone else. (In my case, my ex thought he did - and then didn't go through with it. Still hasn't.) It sure helped keep both of us from marrying someone else in a hasty way, and that, in the long run, was probably a very good thing.
posted by stormyteal at 1:07 AM on October 8, 2015
It's always possible for things to change again, however, if it comes to that someday. My ex-mom-in-law married - and divorced - my ex's step-dad three times before he passed away. And each time, they were SURE it was going to work. And it would, for a while, til she wouldn't let it.
All to say - do what feels right to you. It doesn't matter unless one of you has immediate plans to marry someone else. (In my case, my ex thought he did - and then didn't go through with it. Still hasn't.) It sure helped keep both of us from marrying someone else in a hasty way, and that, in the long run, was probably a very good thing.
posted by stormyteal at 1:07 AM on October 8, 2015
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I initiated my divorce, I don't regret it, and we're both in better relationships, but I've had to go to the courthouse twice to get everything filed and I've burst into tears both times. It's normal. This is difficult, and like any ritual the dance of paper-filing is designed to feel significant. (Or anyway, that's my theory; an uncontested divorce like mine probably doesn't HAVE to be as onerous as it is, but the bureaucracy makes it feel like an emotional Rubicon.)
Enlist friends to sit with you while you do paperwork, or meet you for coffee near the courthouse (or the lawyer's office, if your state makes you involve a lawyer for uncontested stuff -- mine doesn't, fortunately). Talk with your new partner about your reluctance, to reinforce how much happier you'll be with an unencumbered future. But definitely don't beat yourself up about not wanting to do this. You don't want to do it because it sucks. You're going to do it anyway because you're going to figure out how to access excitement about getting it finished and getting on with the rest of your life.
posted by babelfish at 11:30 AM on October 7, 2015 [15 favorites]