How do I end my relationship with an acquaintance who is a user?

October 4, 2015 3:22 PM

I need help ending a relationship with a former neighbor when I am her only friend left. I have given her a lot of money and put a lot of effort into helping her over the last year and a half since we met.But now I fear she is coming to rely on me to financially support her and I can't do that. How can I cut off someone who I know is alone and has been through a lot but who I also believe is toxic?

Our relationship has always been one-sided in terms of support. She has no interest in my life at all, barely asks "how are you" before asking for money and often literally crying on my shoulder over her problems. And her problems are many, and not all her fault at all. My friends and family have been begging me to cut her off completely for a long time, since she got drunk and violently threatened me. I feel like a fool.

She has had longtime problems with alcohol and drug abuse, so I rarely give her cash anymore, usually I buy her things. She is homeless after being evicted from our apartment complex for violence and selling drugs, and previously I have paid for her to stay in a motel.

But she is also severely physically disabled and almost completely alienated from her family. She has been terribly mistreated and does whatever she has to do to survive. About a month ago she completely disappeared and I have to admit, I was extremely relieved not to get the constant phone calls. Well a few days ago I heard from her and she had tried to kill herself and has spent the last month in the hospital. I've already started giving her money again, most recently on Friday after she casually mentioned she would try to kill herself again if I wouldn't buy groceries for her.

I feel absolutely drained by her. Ignoring her phone calls does not stop them from coming. She only calls when she needs something, usually money, but then she calls a lot and I fear this is becoming more frequent. I have told her "no" many times, but there is honestly nothing more to our relationship than I'm the only person who will listen to her and support her. She has disability income and right now is in a rooming house, and I think this is the right time to just cut things off but I don't know what to say when we've had no kind of falling out. I'm just tired.

posted by Danila to Human Relations (29 answers total)

Block her number. This is abuse.
posted by scruss at 3:25 PM on October 4, 2015 [20 favorites]

Do you have a modern smartphone? You can block her number and you'll never know she's calling.
posted by Slinga at 3:26 PM on October 4, 2015 [7 favorites]

Nthing blocking her...and if she threatens to hurt you or herself in your presence call 911.
posted by brujita at 3:36 PM on October 4, 2015 [17 favorites]

Best answer: !. She is an addict. Her addiction is the center of her life. You are a tool to feed her addiction and keep her going without having to face her problems.
2. While many bad things in her life are, as you said, beyond her control, there are many other things that are completely her own fault. Getting kicked out your complex because of violent behavior is responsibility. If she was doing whatever she could have the best life possible given the her problems, she would be behaving very differently - starting with working hard to get and stay sober and clean.
3. Nothing you do for her will make much difference beyond the immediate, short-term relief of having your money to spend on whatever she needs. You can't fix her. You can't make her life better. She does not need help but (1) you do not have the training to provide it and (2) no help will make any real difference until she is ready to change and take advantage of it - which she clearly isn't.
4. This is not a friendship. This a person who calls you and makes threats and demands until she gets what she wants.

So, don't feel guilty about stopping and don't feel you owe her the consideration hat you would give to real friend (who cared about you). If it feels right, tell her once that you can't help any more, she will have to turn to other resources and then stop all contact. Or, if it feels safer, just stop now, without an explanation. In either case, once you stop, be FIRM. She will try to wear down because she won't believe that she can't force you to help her. Get support from a friend (or MeFites) because if you do give in, you are just teaching to keep pushing and she will get what she wants.
posted by metahawk at 3:38 PM on October 4, 2015 [23 favorites]

ps. Threatening to commit suicide is coercive behavior - she say is saying to upset you. The best response to call 911 and let the professionals take over. If she didn't mean and was just treating, she will talk her way of it and learn not to do it to you again. If she did mean it, she will get help (which you are not qualified to give her)
posted by metahawk at 3:40 PM on October 4, 2015 [24 favorites]

I have told her "no" many times
but
I've already started giving her money again
Means this will continue until you tell her "no, and never again, and this time I mean it," and this time you mean it.

evicted from our apartment complex for violence and selling drugs
and
she got drunk and violently threatened me
and
and not all her fault at all
Signals that your empathy meter may need recalibration. Cut her off.
posted by sageleaf at 3:40 PM on October 4, 2015 [12 favorites]

You have told her no many times, but then you eventually give in. If you say "no" 15 times and give in on the 16th, you have taught her that she has to ask you 16 times to get what she wants (this idea is from "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker, which talks about dealing with stalkers). If you can't say no to her and be firm, you really need to block her number. If she shows up at your house, you need to call the police.

I know it's hard to watch someone suffer, but giving her money drains you and does not help her.
posted by FencingGal at 3:51 PM on October 4, 2015 [8 favorites]

Put on you own oxygen mask first.

Her situation is tragic, but there is nothing you can do to fix it. Nothing. Block her calls. Don't answer the door when she shows up (she will). If she threatens to kill herself or threatens you, call 911.

We can't fix other people. You can't fix her. Best case, she wants to fix herself and connects to appropriate social services. Supporting her continues a cycle that damages both of you.

Cut her off.
posted by 26.2 at 3:53 PM on October 4, 2015 [10 favorites]

She sounds like she needs support and companionship. If you can't help her, can you introduce her to a support group/charity/community that can?
posted by popcassady at 3:58 PM on October 4, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: This is likely going to sound harsh, but I mean it to be comforting: If you cut her off, and she does try to kill herself again, that's still not your fault or responsibility. She has made certain choices in her life that have apparently cut off her entire support network, but she could change things to repair that (and if she was psychiatrically hospitalized for a month, she was likely offered some professional resources to do just that). It is not your job to spend all your resources to keep this person alive.
posted by jaguar at 4:01 PM on October 4, 2015 [21 favorites]

I frequently listen to Savage Love and he heard several people say that their significant others threaten to kill themselves if the SO breaks up with them. He says that threatening to kill yourself unless someone else does something is a form of hostage taking where the person threatening to kill themselves is the hostage. It's emotional terrorism and we don't negotiate with terrorists. So if that happens again, I think it's okay to say, you're being manipulative, I don't appreciate it, if you're seriously considering suicide, I'm going to call 911 because that's the appropriate course of action when someone threatens suicide, not buying their groceries.

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this but if you say "no" nine times and give in on the tenth, that indicates to her that the way to get you to give in is to ask ten times. You can't answer at all anymore if you want her to stop.
posted by kat518 at 4:01 PM on October 4, 2015 [13 favorites]

I knew someone like this. It can feel really seductive to try to help someone vulnerable in spite of them being opportunistic. At some point you have to realize you're throwing pearls before swine.
From a practical point of view, I think the best way to end it is to take the blame "I get the sense I'm always disappointing you / letting you down, so we probably shouldn't continue like this."
posted by Jon44 at 4:02 PM on October 4, 2015

As for what to say, if it were me, I would feel compelled to at least say to her "I can't do this anymore." If she (as she likely would) threatened to kill herself, I would let her know that I was going to hang up and call 911, because they could help with that and I couldn't, and then I would do just that.
posted by jaguar at 4:03 PM on October 4, 2015 [11 favorites]

Best answer: but there is honestly nothing more to our relationship than I'm the only person who will listen to her and support her

You are enabling her. You are harming both yourself and her. You need to understand what you are doing and stop.

In a negative sense, "enabling" can describe dysfunctional behavior approaches that are intended to help resolve a specific problem but in fact may perpetuate or exacerbate the problem. A common theme of enabling in this latter sense is that third parties take responsibility or blame, or make accommodations for a person's harmful conduct (often with the best of intentions, or from fear or insecurity which inhibits action). The practical effect is that the person himself or herself does not have to do so, and is shielded from awareness of the harm it may do, and the need or pressure to change. Enabling in this sense is a major environmental cause of addiction.

When You Enable an Addict You're Not Helping, You're Hurting

How to Stop Enabling Someone Who is Addicted
posted by Thella at 4:04 PM on October 4, 2015 [8 favorites]

This is my response to a similar question about family members asking for money (you might find answers there helpful):

I got into a similar situation when we adopted our daughter through foster care. We oversaw the visits with my daughter's mother and then we had an open adoption. So, we got to know her mom and her family. The family, as with most families with children in foster care, is very poor. We gave them some money in an emergency and it went downhill from there.

Here are some pieces of advice from the front lines:

1. I find that being asked for money is stressful whether I give it or not, so rather than finding a way to cope with being asked I looked for a way to shut down the requests.

2. After a time (too long a time!) I started to think about the pigeons pecking for pellets in those old films from psychology class. I realized that each time I gave someone money I was giving out a pellet which, rather than stopping the requests, increased them. To extinguish the behavior you have to stop rewarding it.

3. The need is insatiable. No amount of money can fix it or make it stop. Once you start the flow of money it will never end.

4. I didn't say things like "that won't be possible" or "I can't afford it" because those things weren't true and I didn't like lying to get out of it.

5. In the end, I told them, one by one, that they needed to stop asking me for money. "But you can always say no" they said, and I told them it was stressful to be asked in the first place and that they needed to stop asking me.

6. Of course, they asked. I said, "stop asking me for money." That's all I said. Eventually they stopped asking.

7. "I don't want to talk about it." is a good response to "Why won't you give me money."

8. They will be mad. There's no way to set these boundaries without people being mad.

9. Very occasionally when there is a true crisis I will do something to help. I do this ONLY when I feel like it and ONLY if I haven't been asked.

10. When I do help I never, ever, ever give cash. I will buy a specific item or give a gift card to a grocery store or pay a car bill. Cash is the ultra pellet and will start the requests back up. Again, I will do this only if I'm not asked. As long as I never give cash this approach does not create pellet requests.

11. It has been hard. This is my daughter's family and they are important to me and I care about them. I want to fix things, I want to make it better, but I poured massive amounts of money into the situation and NOTHING GOT BETTER. There was always another crisis. They live on crises.

12. I don't know your families situation, but one thing I've done is ask for something in return for my help. I have offered all of my daughter's family members $500 (!!!!!) if they will get a GED. Not one of them has taken me up on it and it's been seven years.

13. You are not financially responsible for your family. It is not your job to fix their problems. You do not need to give money to a go fund me so someone won't get depressed. If you're worried about depression and want to help, think of non-financial things to do.

14. I cannot tell you how important it is to shut this shit down. I was so naive and it took me years.

15. Good luck :)
posted by orsonet at 4:18 PM on October 4, 2015 [51 favorites]

You do not need a falling out, or anything to either block her number. I was going to tell you, maybe answer her one last time, and tell her that you are blocking her number, but, NO! No more calls. Block the number, on your cell, and I believe that if you have FiOS, you can block a number easily on your land line as well. Don't answer unknown calls. Just stop communications, via text or cell.
posted by kellyblah at 4:20 PM on October 4, 2015

The thing is, you cannot save anyone. You can sometimes help people to save themselves, but even that's pretty rare. Don't think about the past (e.g. the money you have given her) or the future (e.g. what might happen to her), think about yourself in the present. You are trying to swim in very deep water, and she is a rock shackled to your leg. As long as you are sort of foundering, she will use you to stop herself from sinking. Eventually, you will drown. To save yourself, you need to saw through that chain and let her look out for herself while you swim away.

This means cutting her off completely. No contact. If she persists or harasses or threatens you, you need to report it to the police. You need to do this with all the coolness you can muster -- it seems like the sort of thing that requires anger to manage, but that is still feeding your part in the drama. To care for yourself, you have to give up your part in the drama and in this woman's life.
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:22 PM on October 4, 2015 [6 favorites]

I don't know what I'd say in your shoes, but I think it might be something like, "I really wish that I could make things better for you. I care about you, I think you know that. But I can't be your only source of financial and emotional support. It is just too much for me, more than I can handle. It's not a sustainable long-term solution. Please, for your sake, talk to your social worker, work with [X charities], use all the resources at your disposal - do the things that have to be done in order for you to get the help you need. I need to take a break, a long one, for my sake. I'm so sorry."
posted by cotton dress sock at 5:01 PM on October 4, 2015 [4 favorites]

Oh yeah. I had to rid myself of someone like this and it was brutal. I loved him. We lived together and I loved him. And he physically assaulted me but I loved him. So I stayed.

And whether it's a friend or a lover or whatever doesn't change the facts:
- Threatening suicide is manipulation. Someone above said it best: don't negotiate with terrorists.
- She is not a friend, she's a user and an addict first.
- A friend is not an appropriate resource for her crisis. Social services exist for her. That is not what friends are for. You are enabling, not helping. Hard to swallow but true.
- Even if you care about someone; even if you love them... that doesn't mean you are obligated to put your needs after theirs.
- This is textbook abuse.

I walked away from my similar relationship and it made me question my very nature. Who I was and how I could be and how I could live with myself knowing that I might leave someone who was very much and very obviously hurting. He threatened suicide countless times. I had to be able to come to terms with the potential of having his blood on my hands. And as I worked through it somewhere along the way I realized that even if he did it that his blood would not be on my hands. That in fact the only blood spilled had been my own (literally), and the only blood-spiller was him.

For me the things that helped me get here from there were time, real friendships, therapy, metafilter, willpower, and so much self care that it should be embarrassing (baths, lovely objects, books, delicious food) but isn't because I deserve to be treated well. Just like you.

What I did, aside from get therapy and cry a lot, was: I got a hobby that required I use my hands so that I would be busy. I blocked his number. I didnt answer my door and then I moved and didn't tell him my address. First I went away for a few weeks so I couldn't be near him. I got a cat who needs me to be normal and stable; the last thing she needs is an unstable jerk screaming anywhere near her. I wrote about six thousand pages of notes detailing what he did to me with specific examples so that when I wanted to call I would read the list first and get mad instead. I started making friends. I waited months and months and years and the feelings of guilt went away and the stability of my life made me realize just exactly how much better my life was without him. Because damn him. He could have gotten help - just like your friend - from an appropriate source but he refused.

It's ok to walk away from abusive people like her. Take care.
posted by sockermom at 5:46 PM on October 4, 2015 [10 favorites]

She has been terribly mistreated and does whatever she has to do to survive.

One of the things she does to survive is find someone to take care of/pay for her needs. If you stop helping her out, she will find another willing target to get want she wants.
posted by deanc at 5:48 PM on October 4, 2015 [3 favorites]

You may have been hoping that listening to her problems is supportive. But if the listening hasn't contributed to any changes, she's not actually availing herself of your support in a constructive way. It comes down to: "What do I want my role to be?" Do you want to be the sounding board, someone she vents to? Do you want to provide moral support when you're getting little consideration in return? What would you want your role to be, if the relationship were to continue? The answer to this last question might be something that's unlikely ever to happen. But it speaks to your wants and needs, which you haven't been heeding because you're trying to be good to her.

I have had reason to say to a family member whom I love, that I've been listening, but the same problems keep happening, and I can't help anymore with the recurring complaints. I said that I feel frustrated to be standing by as a witness as this person continued in the same self-destructive patterns. When her reaction was that she really valued me as a listener, I had to say that I couldn't listen anymore since no change was happening. I also tole her what I did want, which I'm sure was different in my case than in yours, since my person actually did care about me.

After that it was up to me to halt the conversation when it got into the familiar futile territory. It is okay to say that you don't want to be cast in the role she's seeing you in.
posted by wryly at 7:37 PM on October 4, 2015

Best answer: had to do this with a close (mentally unstable, prescription drug using) relative. He used to claim I was the only one on the planet left, to listen and to give him money and without my cash he would starve, commit suicide etc etc. I don't even want to go into the stuff I did for him it is embarrassing.
But I stopped about 2 years ago, after years of pouring myself out. I ended up feeling like a shit. He wept into the phone etc.
I since have found out that he actually pulled off this routine with several people in parallel, telling each one of about 5 people they were the only ones still listening to him and giving him anything, and he still does it to the others. Only I am out of the loop now. It made me very angry to realise he had lied to me, but also made it easier to let go.
So just a thought: even if you think that she has literally no one else anymore (as I was convinced), she may well have someone else.
And, ultimately, even if she doesn't work several people, everyone above is right: stop doing it. It will not help her, only result in sucking you dry. BTDT. It is incredibly hard but doable.
posted by 15L06 at 12:20 AM on October 5, 2015 [5 favorites]

Just want to add that you have shown yourself to be truly compassionate and generous. But she is ill, and will consistently take advantage of your compassion and generosity. I would never, ever give a drug/ alcohol abuser cash or anything that can be converted to cash. food, rides to treatment, if you choose. The most effective help you can give her is to encourage her to get treatment and to follow her treatment plan.

Great book about dealing with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder, also useful for dealing with anyone who has poor boundaries, is manipulative, highly dramatic, etc. Stop Walking on Eggshells.

What to say to her? Friend, you are in a tough spot and need more support than I can give. You need professional care. I can't provide that. I wish you the best. Then you Do Not Answer Her Calls.
posted by theora55 at 6:31 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]

As someone who works in a busy urban church, I recently went to a workshop on how to deal with the downtrodden. They gave me the best advice ever: the only, only thing you need to say to someone who asks for money or what have you is "can I call 911 for you?" And repeat, repeat, repeat as necessary. If she continues to bother you (there's a good chance she won't when she sees that you're not going to give her any more money, as others have said), then you say "I've offered to call 911, and that's all I can do. Since you're not interested in that, good bye."

The name of the course is Mental Health First Aid and is really excellent for people in this exact scenario.
posted by Melismata at 8:06 AM on October 5, 2015 [5 favorites]

Why are you even answering her calls. You felt relief when she wasn't in touch with you. Seriously - you can't help her and I don't think that makes you a bad person in any way shape or form.

Please block her number - don't let her visit your house and block her off completely. Don't feel guilty for this. You've got NOTHING from this relationship - all relationships are give and take (apart from parent child!).

Please block block block.

Good luck.
posted by Flowerpower at 8:48 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]

I have been/am in a situation like this with some of my close family members. I want to thank the previous responders for their replies, which are helpful to me too!

I will echo some of them and share the most important thing that has helped me start to come to terms with this situation: I realized that no matter how much effort I put in to help and how much of myself I poured into trying to get them back on their feet, the situation seemed to remain exactly the same. It is like a black hole of need that will absorb as much energy as I can put into it, but somehow remain unchanged. And meanwhile, as I poured my own energy and time and money into this situation, my mental health suffered severely, my relationships were strained, my work was suffering and I drained my savings account. I realized the outcome was that they were not getting any better and meanwhile my life was completely destabilized. So, I had to make the decision to at least take care of myself, since I am the one person I can control and ensure positive outcomes for. It hurts so much to know that they are still suffering, and I do feel tremendous guilt that I am living a relatively stable life while my loved ones are not.

However, I have to acknowledge that their situation now is actually not very different from when I was trying to help them, and meanwhile I am getting my own life on track--so the net result is a better situation at least for one person. The situation is scary because it feels like if I don't draw these boundaries they would absolutely continue to draw on my resources (mental, emotional, monetary) until I was just as lost as they are. I understand if you are struggling with guilt as I am, but framing it this way helps me understand that it's not selfish to protect myself, and in fact the sacrifices I was making were not having the life changing effect I wanted them to anyway. I hope this helps you too.
posted by ialwayscryatendings at 9:36 AM on October 5, 2015 [7 favorites]

You cannot help her. If you need any more assurance than what has already been given in this thread, call any hotline, or Narcotics Anonymous help line. The responder will probably tell you what others in this thread have suggested, but you may get a new clue on how to relate to the situation. Please do that. I believe the person you talk to also will advise you to block her number. Notice that the issue here is your own well being. Your friend will not treat you kindly, so realize that her anger is not a result of a character failing on your part, and you absolutely do not have to subject yourself to it.

Nobody wants to think they are abandoning a person who is so obviously in need of help. This goes against most of our instincts as caring people. But it's important to know what sort of help is required. In the case of your friend, she needs what you cannot give. You have become an accomplice already. She has only a few tools, and one of them is the ability to push someone's buttons to get them "on board," rather than examining herself to see what options (to help break this behavioral loop) she can come up with. This sort of thing can only happen with the help of trained workers, and by association with a peer group. Even then success is not guaranteed.

Good luck.
posted by mule98J at 10:26 AM on October 5, 2015 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: Belated thanks for all of the advice which I didn't take until very recently, although I held it in the back of my mind. I was pretty embarrassed about the things I continued to do and not finding a way to say what needed to be said so I left Metafilter, but this morning I finally cut her off after a 6am desperate, drunken phone call for cash. I haven't received one of those in months but she's clearly going back to those ways. I blocked all of her numbers and told her she was blocked. I did it in person. I prayed on how to do it with kindness yet firmness and thankfully the conversation went smoothly. She fussed and cried, I gave her a hug and I left. I feel great and I don't feel like there's anything left undone.

It was helpful to be reminded that she has plenty of legitimate resources and that it's enabling her to take away the consequences of her mistakes.
posted by Danila at 8:54 AM on February 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

Good for you!! I'm proud.

Stay strong. She will almost surely attempt to come back, saying she has changed. Don't listen; don't budge. She won't change. And if she does (she won't) - if she does, she will find new people. She burned this bridge. Best of luck.
posted by sockermom at 9:10 AM on February 4, 2016 [2 favorites]