Hello awkwardness my old friend

October 3, 2015 7:33 AM

I've recently moved back to my hometown, 20 years after graduating high school. I'm apprehensive about running into old classmates. Angst within.

I didn't do well socially in school. Elementary school was okay, junior high was a nightmare, and High School was somewhere in between. I was straight-up bullied in junior high but once I moved on to High School, things calmed down and I was just kind of ignored.

Anyway, then I moved away and went to college and everything got a lot better. No more awkward, nervous, cringing little person - I am now semi-outgoing and a lot more comfortable with who I am and what I am about.

Recently I moved back to my hometown and yesterday, for the first time, I ran into someone I knew from my high school days. Most people didn't go out of their way to torment me - just excluded me, rolled their eyes, etc - but things were kind of different with him. We were friends for a while and then one day he just dropped me like a hot potato and joined the rest of my peers who simply ignored the fact that I existed. It stung.

Anyway, yesterday we ran into each other and he was all smiles and "I remember you! Hi!" and immediately I went from confident, cool Elly V to that awkward, nervous person that I used to be. I think he was coming in for a hug and I shook his hand instead and confirmed that yes, I was who he thought I was, and then I flat-out bolted, leaving him in the dust.

My husband was like "what was that?". I said I wasn't sure. All day long I beat myself up over what I should have said, how I should have acted, etc. I mean, the last time I saw this guy was 20 years ago. I like to think I'm not the sort of person that holds a grudge, but I was caught off guard and although none of the "you jerk!" feelings came back, I immediately felt myself go back into the shell I lived in back then. Not so much the feelings of hurt and confusion, but the awkwardness and safety of the shell, if that makes sense. I feel like I can let go of the things that we all did back in the day, but I'm not sure how to start up a nice conversation with someone that knew me back then.

So my question is:

I can safely assume that, now that I'm back in my hometown, I'll continue running into people that I Knew Back Then. What does one say to someone they haven't seen in 20 years? I feel like, if I had a script or some ideas, I'd be able to get over that hump and actually talk to the people from my past. 20 years is way too long to hold onto bad feelings because they ignored me. We're all theoretically different people now...I'd like to figure out how to leave Old Elly V in High School and instead be the awesome person that I am now. Being able to speak to them without running away would be a good first step.

PS - I fully expect that some of you will suggest therapy. This is Metafilter, after all. Thanks, but I've got that covered.

posted by Elly Vortex to Human Relations (26 answers total)

Best answer: In my experience, people just don't bring up high school awkwardness during chance meetings on the street. So, absent you bolting, 90% of those conversations will go like this:

"I remember you! Hi!"
"Hi, [insert their name here]! How've you been for, oh, the last 20 years?"
"Well, I went to college, got married, got a job, had 3.2 kids and one dog and now I'm the regional sales manager for the Ticky Tacky Tiger company. How about you?"
"I went to [your college], and became a [your job] and met [your husband, who you should introduce at this point if he's with you] and now I am back in [hometown] because [reasons]."
"Well, it's great that you're back. Let me give you my number, we should get together and catch up." {gives you his/her cell phone number}
"For sure, here's my number, too." {give them your cell phone number}
"Well, it was great to see you!"
"You too!"
{Both people go their separate ways, with no intention of ever actually talking to each other again until the next time you're both at Safeway.}
posted by jacquilynne at 7:49 AM on October 3, 2015 [34 favorites]

Act as if they were casual friends back then, and might become good friends now. Make the same small talk you'd make running into a freshman year college classmate.

You don't really have any points to score here. Everyone, with the exception people who were at the absolute pinnacle -- prom queen, valedictorian, student body president, starting quarterback -- remembers high school as awkward and uncomfortable, and their bad conduct, short of outright physical assault, as simply doing their best to get along. And a heck of lot of the prom queens, quarterbacks, valedictorians and student body presidents are wracked with regret about failure to achieve their potential.
posted by MattD at 7:50 AM on October 3, 2015 [11 favorites]

Best answer: Have you seen Romy and Michele's High School Reunion? It's a totally stupid movie but I love it so much. Anyway, one of the things in the movie is that no one ever remembers how much they made school suck for other people, just how much school sucked for them, and that's pretty true to real life.

One of the most disarming things about when I go home to visit my parents and such is running into people who were such unbelievable dicks to me back in the day and having them come up to me all hugs and smiles and brightness like we were the best possible of friends. But nobody but you remembers or cares, and knowing and embracing that fact will help you cope with the awkwardness.

Definitely come up with a little script for yourself. Fake the confidence and good cheer. Fake it until it sounds natural. Eventually, after you get through it a few times, the confidence will be real and you won't have to fake it anymore.
posted by phunniemee at 7:50 AM on October 3, 2015 [19 favorites]

Hi Elly V! Your experience is very similar to my own, except I did not move back to hometown after 20 years, I attended my 20 year class reunion after not seeing everyone for that long. I know what you are going through - I was this shy, kind of ignored, insecure person in high school, then completely blossomed through the years - including my confidence and all that. So what I did, I simply WAS the person that I am now when faced with people from the past. I know it sounds too simple, but if that's who you truly are now, don't fight it and seek your safe haven, be who you are now. I know it caught you off guard the first time, but it will become much easier after running into a few more people. And pretty soon, you'll have a quick version of "what you've been up to" for the past 20 years (because that's usually the opening question!). And, with each different run-in, you'll have different answers and conversations - depending on who it is. Sometimes you'll include more details and reveals and hints about the awesome person that you ARE now, and most likely, they'll see it, too. Simply by talking with you.

If someone brings up something weird or awkward about bullying, I don't know. The above advice sounds good about doubtful anyone would bring that up (hopefully not!)
posted by foxhat10 at 7:56 AM on October 3, 2015 [4 favorites]

I am assuming you never went to reunions? At the 10 year everyone is trying to impress each other, while at the 20 and beyond everyone just wants to catch up. You'd be surprised at how much people who were assholes in HS have grown up. Most realize they were jerks. Of course, there are the few who haven't figured it out yet...ignore them. I wasn't one of the popular kids in HS, yet I count some of my friends from my hometown as my best friends. Give your former bullies the benefit of the doubt and as a previous answer said, do the "fake it until you make it" routine.
posted by OkTwigs at 7:58 AM on October 3, 2015 [2 favorites]

Someone once told me not to compare other people's outside to my inside. I know what's going on in my own head, and that's my anxious script about how awkward and pathetic I am. But that's not necessarily how I look on the outside, and I have no idea what's going on in their heads. They may be telling themselves that you're thinking that they peaked in high school or that you're fixating on their paunch and receding hairline or that you left town and had an exciting life elsewhere and they look pathetic because they've been in the same place their whole life. You don't know what they're thinking, and they may be just as awkward and anxious as you. I try to remind myself of that when I'm talking to people who make me anxious.

So here's another thing: people probably weren't that conscious of ignoring you. Ignoring is a passive activity. They don't look at you and think "she was that girl I ignored." They think "she was that girl I didn't know all that well." You're more of a blank slate than a sad specimen.

Finally, there were a couple of people in high school who I wasn't good friends with (ie ignored) who turned out to do amazingly cool things as adults, and what I feel about them is regret that I didn't get to know them in high school, because I bet they were pretty awesome. I'm not thinking "neener neener neener: that person seemed boring when she was 15." I'm thinking "I was kind of a little shit not to realize when I was 15 that that person might have been worth knowing." For what it's worth.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 8:01 AM on October 3, 2015 [5 favorites]

jacquilynne has got it exactly right on how this scene plays out. I am living in my high school town (close enough to the school, in fact, that I can hear the marching band playing on the football field in the afternoons) and this happens from time to time.

Regardless of the high school relationship, it's always this, "Wow, hi! Oh, it's great to see you! Hi! Great! Wow!" The conversations are positive and all parties are eager for the exchange to end so they can go back to whatever they were doing.

Also, it's been 20 years. I see people all the time and often don't say anything, and I'm sure other people have seen me and done the same. I suppose if you're in a small town, it may play out differently, but in my medium-size town it kinda feels a lot like birdwatching: Oh, there's that girl from English class, she looks so different without braces, but she has the same laugh! Oh, there's that guy from geology, who would have thought he'd have a teenager of his own by now?
posted by mochapickle at 8:02 AM on October 3, 2015 [1 favorite]

The folks you are running into have their own anxieties, regrets, etc. Who knows what their internal version of what happened in high school is like. Maybe they think, "Oh, she always seemed nice, too bad I never got to know her." Or maybe they think a version of what Arbitrary & Capricious said above, "Hmm I was kind of a little shit in high school, I feel bad about that." Or maybe they have some regrets or insecurities about the path their life has taken since high school - maybe they feel bad that they never left the hometown, or maybe they worry that they never lived up to their high school glory days. Or maybe they feel fine about things but they don't remember high school much at all. I think it might help me to imagine their possible insecurities or worries, just to turn them back into humans I can relate to and feel empathy for, rather than high-school larger-than-life symbols of coolness or whatever.

Would it help to visualize some interactions in your head ahead of time? Pick some people you remember and imagine running into them and it going really well. Or even imagine it going badly and ask yourself, what is the worst-case scenario? How realistic is it? How much would it hurt me even if it happened? Kind of a CBT-style exercise to get a handle on things and bring your worries back in touch with rationality.
posted by aka burlap at 8:10 AM on October 3, 2015 [2 favorites]

You are an unreliable narrator of your own teenage self. Whatever lens you use to look back is clouded by a teenage brain. What you know of your own high school years is not reality. It's like you were stuck in the Matrix, but you still have the false memories of it.

When I went to my 10-year reunion, I learned that a guy that had intimidated me with his motorcycle-riding, leather-jacket-wearing, football-playing persona was in actuality a tuba player in the band (not football, wasn't ever on the team), and was a big, awkward geek, just like me, whom I could've made a good friend if I hadn't been so scared of him. The dude literally sold Amway for a living now, and was shocked to learn that anyone thought he was ever cool.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:15 AM on October 3, 2015 [5 favorites]

Down here in the south, we "arm" ourselves with courtesy and good manners. And you can use that "armor" too. When you see someone, instead of throwing up that wall of nervousness you can put up a wall of politeness. If you can visualize it that way, you kind of build a fortress against any unpleasantness that might come your way. Practice planting your feet, squaring your shoulders, relaxing your facial expression, and summon up a determination to be pleasant no matter who or what comes your way. You can practice in front of a mirror, seriously, so you're prepared the next time it happens.
posted by raisingsand at 8:30 AM on October 3, 2015 [5 favorites]

In another AskMe, someone suggested THE BEST thing to say to the people who gave you the cold shoulder in high school but then come up to you all smiles today - you be all polite and cordial and friendly to them, but then when you are getting ready to take your leave of each other, smile sweetly and say "it was nice to finally meet you." It struck me as genius because it sort of subtly acknowledges the past, but also at the same time acknowledges that "that was then and this was now and what we're doing right now was kind of pleasant."

Also, it's totally okay if there are a couple people you just plain don't want to associate with. There are about two or three people from my high school years that I won't speak to again, no matter how nice they try to be to me today; MAYBE I would accept an apology if they every tried to extend one, but that's about it. That is a decision I have made to protect my past self; I don't trust that they still won't be douche-nozzles, so I don't associate with them. And it's okay to have a short list of people whom you also will not even bother to try to make nice with.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:33 AM on October 3, 2015 [4 favorites]

I'm around that age and have a number of good friends from high school that I'm still in close contact with. But lately when a friend mentions someone random from high school, I'm often just like "?? Hm, that name rings a faint bell maybe". When I have had the random run-in with a high school acquaintance, my thinking is often "Oh crap, I sort of know your face and but what's your name? How did we know each other? Did we have some history that I should be cognizant of? Were we friendly enough that I should be asking how your folks are? Should I remember where you went to college?" I'm mainly worrying about being rude accidentally, and it's just all very distant. So I typically approach it almost like they were a total stranger, vague and positive.

I also think, by this point even the bright shining stars have been kicked around by life enough that they've probably got some humility about things. So like, they have three kids and the middle one has special needs, and maybe their marriage is on the rocks or they've lost a parent and are having to help the remaining one move out of the old house, or they got laid off in the recession and are only now getting back into the workforce. Whoever they are, they're gonna be more focused on their immediate bubble (or even on how you're judging them!) than on judging you.
posted by LobsterMitten at 8:33 AM on October 3, 2015 [3 favorites]

Best answer: There is almost no continuity to high school-era relationships 20 years later. It was another planet, in a time of war.

Also, this is either going to be a hard truth or a liberating truth: nobody cared about you so much that they've spent the past 20 years obsessing over your high school persona. And these people haven't been stored in Tupperware waiting for you to come back, they've lived adult lives with real trauma and heartbreak and successes and joys that mean a lot more to who they are as people now, today.

It might be easier for you to think of these people as strangers who went through something similar to you, and practice running into them and interacting with them in a similar way you would to new coworkers or friends of friends at a party.

You should also consider that they, too, might have some concerns about the person they were then, and might be having the same fears that you might back away and moan, "Oh god, not you, you were a monster!" and focus on offering them kindness in the present instead of worrying about yourself or them in the past.

Nobody wants to go back to that place any more than you do. After the run-up to our 20th reunion I ended up Facebook friends with a handful of people I hadn't spoken to since then, including some people I didn't really know then and wouldn't have thought I'd have anything in common with now (especially as I went to high school in semi-rural Texas and I am a pinko commie liberal) and they're actually really cool people. If you can't learn to shake a hand and chat for a minute, you'll never find out if any of your old classmates are too - and if you've just moved back into town, some of these people might be your future closest friends.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:38 AM on October 3, 2015 [14 favorites]

I had a very similar experience in terms of my school years, and then moving back to my smallish home town after spending more than a decade away.

The only time I interacted with former classmates was at the dawn of Facebook, when everyone was trying to collect as many "friends" as possible, and for the twenty-year reunion, when the organizers - people who were not particularly kind in high school - were trying to meet the numbers to make the hall rental and catering estimate work out. I didn't go to the reunion, and hearing the stories, I am glad I did not.

I think there is a tendency for some people to live in the past when it makes no sense to continue with high school bonds (if there weren't any to begin with, anyway).

You just need to treat these people as acquaintances, and have chit chat with them like you would with any other acquaintance.

Also be prepared to communicate directly and effectively if you ever notice the old crappy dynamic resurfacing.

As a matter of fact I am now Facebook friends with someone who tormented me in Grade 8. He's had an interesting life trajectory and is in many ways the same person, but has channeled his energies into something more positive (famous tattoo artist in town, plays in punk bands, pretty famous skateborder).

But you don't have to hug or even shake hands or remember these people. They are different people now, after all. You can quickly exchange pleasantries and then move on.
posted by Nevin at 8:45 AM on October 3, 2015

2nd that time is a great leveller. All of them will have been through stuff by now. People you run into on the street will either just be happy to see someone else who remembers the diner that used to be on Main or not bothered and just wanting to get home to do laundry. You'll see , once you talk to more than a few people.

I think just approach these folks with an attitude of openness and curiosity (if you're curious). Seriously, no one is invested in judgement at this point.
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:48 AM on October 3, 2015

Also, if you want a trump card that you can pull out if anyone does bring up unhappy old memories, you can just breezily be like "oh? Wow, I don't remember that at all." (maybe with a side of "It's been so long, hasn't it? For example I was living in $coolplace doing $coolthing for ten years, and it doesn't seem like it could have been that long, you know? Who would have thought.")
posted by LobsterMitten at 8:53 AM on October 3, 2015 [1 favorite]

What's the aphorism, "The best revenge is a life well lived"? You got out. Nine times out of ten, if they're still there, they never did. The bullies and jerks often wind up with the plainest lives after school.

Think of it that way. Also, if there are more reunions, go to them with just enough liquor in you to *not give a shit*, but not so much as to not remember the evening. After which you won't give a shit for real because you're remember how boring or at least, how much more pleasant the jerks have become.

[credibility caveat: I was as much a dork in high school as I am now. Went to an all-boys upper-crusty Jesuit high school as one of the token middle-to-lower-middle-class kids. Most of the truly rich guys still wound up selling insurance...but we all could rally around homebrewing.]
posted by notsnot at 9:04 AM on October 3, 2015 [1 favorite]

Definitely: "It was another planet, in a time of war."
I am friends on facebook with bunches of people I barely knew in high school. Two of them were absolute social pariahs of the sort I was in 6th grade (I somehow crammed all the bullying and horror into first, second, sixth, and seventh grade and was reasonably well friended and not tormented in third, fourth, fifth and eighth through 12th grades). I was not an active participant in the pariah-fying of these two people I'm now facebook friends with, but I was also very much not their friend, either. And now we are reasonably good facebook friends because by some miracle of decency and kindness in both of them, they have both done me the honor of pretending I was a better person when I was 14 or 15 years old than I actually was. They're fascinating people and I'm very grateful they've chosen to overlook my failure to be a kind friend to them when they needed friends. Neither of them lacks for friends, now; in fact they are now mad successes at life to the degree that they could be poster children for the It Gets Better project were they bullied for being gay instead of for being smart and weird. Much of school was hell, and it was often not clear that we would survive. We did all survive, and I am glad we can celebrate that together.

(We don't celebrate that at the reunions, though, because the same tools that ran the school are the ones in charge of the reunions and have decided they need to be in swank hotels and tickets to them need to cost $300. Y'all knock yourselves out. Enjoy your appletinis dyed the school colors or whatever is the going thing that it is social suicide not to know, now, and the rest of us will enjoy the bliss of not knowing what is the going thing that it is social suicide not to know, now.)
posted by Don Pepino at 9:32 AM on October 3, 2015 [2 favorites]

I'm a big fan of acknowledging to yourself where you are now, and just watching yourself as a mother might watch her child go through a phase. Sometimes I think that's a lot less painful than really trying not to feel that way.

So, if you feel awkward again, okay -- there might be some learning to do as you go through the occasional whiplash between Awkward Elly and Assured Elly. It doesn't mean you'll end up reverting permanently; most likely you'll get insight into who you were then and how far you've come. No need to fear reverting completely. You've come too far and learned too much for that.

If you feel angry, okay -- there might be a brief moment of passage where you find yourself wanting to act too cool for them.

Best of luck. And, here's a random idea if you find comfort in fiction, Jonathan Tropper often writes about a guy returning to his high school home town (usually amidst some other tragedy). He wasn't necessary un-cool in high school, but it might still be interesting to vicariously experience how fictional others would experience this situation.
posted by salvia at 10:10 AM on October 3, 2015

I just moved back to my hometown, too, and our 20th reunion was the week I moved here, so I'm with you. I have run into exactly one person in almost 3 months.

That being said - I don't remember almost anything from high school. People post things (even pictures of me) on Facebook, I have no recollection except for a few things. So you might be remembering awkwardness or not getting along with people that they don't remember at all! It's okay to be awkward with this stuff, I think, and just be open and give everyone a chance.
posted by getawaysticks at 12:02 PM on October 3, 2015

Just offering two anecdotes to add to the idea that the "high school world" rarely, nearly never, follows through to the adult world:

-- maybe 2 years after moving to a different town between junior high and high school, I came back to junior-high-town visit a friend; we were at the mall and ran into a kid who bullied me mercilessly before I moved, including a solid punch to my face at once point. The bully was like "hey, what have you been up to?" and showed no indication of whatever had motivated him to bully me in the first place. We exchanged pleasantries and went our separate ways.

-- A couple years after graduating, geeky-theatre-choir me was out with artsy friends at a 24-hour-family-restaurant late one evening in an entirely different town from where I graduated, and a young man came up to the table and greeted me by name: it took me a few seconds to recognize him as a highly-regarded member of my highschool football team; I maybe had a couple classes with him but couldn't remember having ever even spoken to him before. We exchanged pleasantries, "caught up" on what we were doing, and then he bid me a pleasant goodbye and returned to the table he had been sitting at. I had no reason to think he wasn't a nice guy, but it was surprising that he remembered me enough, and thought enough of me to interrupt his plans to come say 'hi'.

Everyone's individual experience in high school turns out to be quite different from what it looked like on the surface -- heck, maybe everyone that 'ignored' you in high school secretly envies you for not experiencing all the horror and bullshit they went through among the circle of friends that excluded you. It may be better to think of re-meeting high school acquaintances like meeting a stranger from the internet: you only know them from some past reputation, but you don't "know" them, not until you say 'hi' and chit chat like adults.
posted by AzraelBrown at 12:04 PM on October 3, 2015 [1 favorite]

So, everybody will have their story. At my 20th HS reunion, the stories were amazing. So happy that A who was genuinely nice, has had a genuinely nice life. L still has bad hair. S told of becoming an alcoholic, driving drunk, killing people in the other car, going to prison, losing her kids. N struggles terribly with job. J is the Chief of Police. G got high in the ladies' room anyway. Lots of divorces. When you meet your old classmates, they'll see you with your act looking pretty together. You'll think the same of them. And you have no way of knowing. You may even find some friends there.
posted by theora55 at 3:38 PM on October 3, 2015

I'm going through it myself and feel embarrassed as well, so I enjoyed this Onion article. It seems we have lots of company.
posted by bonobothegreat at 3:39 PM on October 3, 2015 [1 favorite]

I just realized that none the people I considered my friends in the high school I graduated from are so much as Facebook friends and I have no idea where any of them are. However, all the popular kids who ignored me because I didn't party with them have friended me on Facebook - even to the point where I don't even recognize the names of people making friend requests. It just turns out that our one mutual friend is someone I vaguely remember.

That said, I feel you on the turning back into your HS self. I went to my ten year reunion - it was all the aforementioned popular kids - and I immediately went back into loser mode in my mind. It was an unsettling feeling.
posted by bendy at 7:56 PM on October 3, 2015

My uniform experience of interacting with my high-school tormentors has been that, if we get beyond bland pleasantries, they say, "I was kind of a dick to you, and I've always felt bad about it."

And my response has been something along the lines of, "Yeah, I don't think any of us are really proud of how we were in high school."

And then we just keep talking like human beings.
posted by BrashTech at 6:43 AM on October 4, 2015 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Than you all. This really helps me out. I've favorited a few comments but really, hearing that I'm not the only one who deals with this makes me feel like less of a weirdo.

I've never been to a reunion, I never kept in touch with anybody from High School, and I don't have a Facebook account. So seeing someone from back then is a purely "whoa wow wtf!" experience for me. But now I feel better and I think I'm better armed to act like a normal human being the next time an old classmate comes at me all smiles. Thanks again!
posted by Elly Vortex at 8:44 AM on October 5, 2015