Shut The Front Door
September 20, 2015 7:15 AM Subscribe
Looking for "mom swears." Details after the jump
Boy do I love a good f-bomb. But I need to clean up this sailor mouth so my kid won't get kicked out whatever institution he gets enrolled in. What are some good subtitutions? I mean REALLY good substitutions. For eg:
STFU = shut the front door
Motherfucking = ever loving
Motherfucker = mother lover
Fuck that shit = tuck that ??
I hope you see the pattern. The criteria is:
- no obvious (lame) replacements eg bull spit = bullshit, fuck = fudge. Too much of a yawner.
- needs to have the same, uh, cadence? Rhythm? Syllable? I think "shut the front door" is perfect for this. In my mouth I feel like I'm saying STFU
- other adults should be able to figure out the meaning eventually
- the phrase has to make sense, not a nonsensical string of words
- needs to be somewhat emotionally satisfying (the point of swearing in the first place)
Give me your everloving worst!
Boy do I love a good f-bomb. But I need to clean up this sailor mouth so my kid won't get kicked out whatever institution he gets enrolled in. What are some good subtitutions? I mean REALLY good substitutions. For eg:
STFU = shut the front door
Motherfucking = ever loving
Motherfucker = mother lover
Fuck that shit = tuck that ??
I hope you see the pattern. The criteria is:
- no obvious (lame) replacements eg bull spit = bullshit, fuck = fudge. Too much of a yawner.
- needs to have the same, uh, cadence? Rhythm? Syllable? I think "shut the front door" is perfect for this. In my mouth I feel like I'm saying STFU
- other adults should be able to figure out the meaning eventually
- the phrase has to make sense, not a nonsensical string of words
- needs to be somewhat emotionally satisfying (the point of swearing in the first place)
Give me your everloving worst!
Best answer: clustercuss = clusterfuck
From the Wes Anderson movie "Fanstastic Mr. Fox".
The character who says it also uses "cuss" more generally, e.g., "What the cuss were you thinking?" but clustercuss is my favorite. It sounds naughty even though it's perfectly clean.
posted by tuesdayschild at 7:21 AM on September 20, 2015 [9 favorites]
From the Wes Anderson movie "Fanstastic Mr. Fox".
The character who says it also uses "cuss" more generally, e.g., "What the cuss were you thinking?" but clustercuss is my favorite. It sounds naughty even though it's perfectly clean.
posted by tuesdayschild at 7:21 AM on September 20, 2015 [9 favorites]
The entirety of Roman Maronie's dialog from Johnny Dangerously.
quick youtube link
posted by DigDoug at 7:23 AM on September 20, 2015 [6 favorites]
quick youtube link
posted by DigDoug at 7:23 AM on September 20, 2015 [6 favorites]
Best answer: "Mother-Hubbard!" (not mine)
"BADGERS!"
posted by BinaryApe at 7:29 AM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
"BADGERS!"
posted by BinaryApe at 7:29 AM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm on the fence about whether "bean dip" for "bullshit" meets all your criteria, but the similar cadence combined with the, um, visual similarity of the referent? pushes it over the edge for me personally.
posted by dorque at 7:29 AM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by dorque at 7:29 AM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
My dad used dag-nabbit! often. Oh, and dog-gonnit!
posted by myselfasme at 7:34 AM on September 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by myselfasme at 7:34 AM on September 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
Andy Richter (in his TV detective show) used "Cheese and Crackers"
I always thought that "Mother Puss Bucket!" from Ghostbusters (Bill Murray) was great.
posted by BillMcMurdo at 7:35 AM on September 20, 2015
I always thought that "Mother Puss Bucket!" from Ghostbusters (Bill Murray) was great.
posted by BillMcMurdo at 7:35 AM on September 20, 2015
Juicebox = clusterfuck, big fuckin' mess
"Did you see what the kids did to the kitchen? What a juicebox."
"That city council meeting was just a juicebox."
I have no idea if juicebox exists in this context outside of Northern MN, that's the only place I've ever heard it.
posted by Elly Vortex at 7:35 AM on September 20, 2015 [18 favorites]
"Did you see what the kids did to the kitchen? What a juicebox."
"That city council meeting was just a juicebox."
I have no idea if juicebox exists in this context outside of Northern MN, that's the only place I've ever heard it.
posted by Elly Vortex at 7:35 AM on September 20, 2015 [18 favorites]
Best answer: Also: "Son of a biscuit!", but that can be a bit close to the original.
posted by Elly Vortex at 7:36 AM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Elly Vortex at 7:36 AM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
"Mother-BEAR" has been introduced to my vernacular thanks to my boss. My kid is a parrot, so I feel your struggle.
posted by furnace.heart at 7:39 AM on September 20, 2015
posted by furnace.heart at 7:39 AM on September 20, 2015
Yes, "cheese and rice" (or "peas and rice", for foods that could conceivably go together) is a really good one.
I'm also pretty funky. What the funk, funk that, etc. May be too close for kids.
posted by chainsofreedom at 7:39 AM on September 20, 2015
I'm also pretty funky. What the funk, funk that, etc. May be too close for kids.
posted by chainsofreedom at 7:39 AM on September 20, 2015
I prefer "Yosemite Sam cussin'" and accordingly get a lot of mileage out of "rassumfrassum." For more resources, see here, here, and here.
posted by asperity at 7:48 AM on September 20, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by asperity at 7:48 AM on September 20, 2015 [7 favorites]
Similar to gudrun's mother-in-law: I use "God bless America!" a lot., with the emphasis on 'bless'.
Also "Jesus Christ on a motorboat!", although that might be too close to real cussin'.
And, yeah, 'cheese und crackers' with a fake Germanic accent, and asperity's 'rassumfrassum'.
posted by easily confused at 7:51 AM on September 20, 2015
Also "Jesus Christ on a motorboat!", although that might be too close to real cussin'.
And, yeah, 'cheese und crackers' with a fake Germanic accent, and asperity's 'rassumfrassum'.
posted by easily confused at 7:51 AM on September 20, 2015
I say "clusterfracas" instead of "clusterfuck", and sometimes employ "fudge-muffins" instead of "fucking hell". "Geez Louise" can cover for "Jesus Christ".
posted by just_ducky at 7:52 AM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by just_ducky at 7:52 AM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
My mom worked in elementary schools for 15 years before she went to corrections and her two main faux swears are "oh son of a gun!" and "fiddle-dee-dee". The latter is said really fast so it sounds more like a swear than Vivien Leigh as Scarlett O'Hara.
A friend of mine likes "cheese and rice", "motherscratcher", and "Jesus peaches", but that last one is only half cleaned up.
I like "jeezy creezy" but only because it sets off an Eddie Izzard bit in my head.
posted by elsietheeel at 7:53 AM on September 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
A friend of mine likes "cheese and rice", "motherscratcher", and "Jesus peaches", but that last one is only half cleaned up.
I like "jeezy creezy" but only because it sets off an Eddie Izzard bit in my head.
posted by elsietheeel at 7:53 AM on September 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
I would also add that you don't want something too close to the original if your goal is to keep your kid from getting in trouble at school. The goal is plausible deniability, and to be plausible it has to be audibly different from the original. I teach 6th grade, and if someone tried to pull, "Ms. P, I didn't say motherfucker, I said motherfudger," my response would almost certainly be to say, "Yeah, uh-huh, sure you did" and give 'em a detention.
posted by coppermoss at 8:03 AM on September 20, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by coppermoss at 8:03 AM on September 20, 2015 [6 favorites]
My mother-in-law is prone to, "Oh, sugarfoot!" I'm not sure exactly what it means but it seems to suffice where one might say, "Goddamn mother fucker."
The other day, swept up in a highway merge challenge, I was brought back to my present moment by a tiny voice from the back seat, "mama, why did you say that?" Well, sometimes when the goddamn fucking idiot won't let me merge I need to express that in voice.
posted by amanda at 8:04 AM on September 20, 2015 [6 favorites]
The other day, swept up in a highway merge challenge, I was brought back to my present moment by a tiny voice from the back seat, "mama, why did you say that?" Well, sometimes when the goddamn fucking idiot won't let me merge I need to express that in voice.
posted by amanda at 8:04 AM on September 20, 2015 [6 favorites]
Best answer: A famous line from "Die Hard" was dubbed on TV to "Yippie-ki-ay, mister falcon".
posted by Hatashran at 8:13 AM on September 20, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by Hatashran at 8:13 AM on September 20, 2015 [12 favorites]
My sister went through a period where she used rock group/singer names in lieu of swear words; for pure visceral satisfaction (though I realize it doesn't meet all your criteria), I always found "Chaka Khan!" particularly effective, especially if you draw out that initial 'sh' sound.
posted by DingoMutt at 8:14 AM on September 20, 2015 [20 favorites]
posted by DingoMutt at 8:14 AM on September 20, 2015 [20 favorites]
Best answer: "Mother of pearl" and "Jeep and Chrysler" are my go to substitutes.
posted by zenzicube at 8:17 AM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by zenzicube at 8:17 AM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
My grandmother uses "Good night!" in place of "Good Lord!" with the same emphasis.
Same satisfying cadence. Bonus meaning of "That's enough bullsh** for me today. Time for bed!"
posted by lakemarie at 8:18 AM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
Same satisfying cadence. Bonus meaning of "That's enough bullsh** for me today. Time for bed!"
posted by lakemarie at 8:18 AM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
I say "Cheesy Pete!" I am sure that I got this from a movie or TV show, but I don't remember which one.
posted by amro at 8:27 AM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by amro at 8:27 AM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
"Tish." It's shit backwards.
posted by HotToddy at 8:30 AM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by HotToddy at 8:30 AM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
I say 'holy buckets' and find it to be highly satisfying in situations I can't curse properly, it sounds like a few swears together, and it is genuinely problematic to have holes in your buckets (dear Liza, dear Liza). Except now 'bucket' works it's way into situations where I am free to curse, evolving into things like 'mother fuck buckets'.
posted by Sweetums at 8:30 AM on September 20, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by Sweetums at 8:30 AM on September 20, 2015 [6 favorites]
I can't remember which gritty film I watched aged 10 that dubbed "motherfucker" with "melon farmer" the whole way through, but it sailed over my head at the time and amused me greatly when I was old enough to figure it out.
posted by billiebee at 8:33 AM on September 20, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by billiebee at 8:33 AM on September 20, 2015 [9 favorites]
Son of a sea cook.
posted by sciencegeek at 8:37 AM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by sciencegeek at 8:37 AM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
"shit" -> "sugar honey iced tea"
"hell" -> "h-e-double hockey sticks"
posted by mkb at 8:40 AM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
"hell" -> "h-e-double hockey sticks"
posted by mkb at 8:40 AM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
This far in, and no one has mentioned frak.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:43 AM on September 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:43 AM on September 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
Or frell!
posted by mkb at 8:43 AM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by mkb at 8:43 AM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
I like "Shoot!" myself.
posted by quaking fajita at 8:43 AM on September 20, 2015
posted by quaking fajita at 8:43 AM on September 20, 2015
"Poodles!" as a stand-in for pretty much any one-word exclamation. From one of the women on my co-ed team.
"Tuesday", shortened from "See you next Tuesday," for cunt. E.g. "He's a massive Tuesday, but no-one else can play in goal."
posted by Kreiger at 8:51 AM on September 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
"Tuesday", shortened from "See you next Tuesday," for cunt. E.g. "He's a massive Tuesday, but no-one else can play in goal."
posted by Kreiger at 8:51 AM on September 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
The classic "Rats!"
posted by oflinkey at 9:00 AM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by oflinkey at 9:00 AM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Holy shitzu!
One of my friends says "god bless america" instead of goddamn it and it is adorable.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 9:08 AM on September 20, 2015
One of my friends says "god bless america" instead of goddamn it and it is adorable.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 9:08 AM on September 20, 2015
I've heard Mongolian clusterfuck as a cluster fuck of epic proportions, so sometimes I use Mongolian cluster event. Try using descriptive colorful language, or very mild language - Well that is thoroughly unpleasant, Pretty sure that's gonna leave a mark, That is error of historic significance, It took quite a bit of effort to create this situation. Also, the classics - holy moley, holy crow and holy mackerel.
posted by theora55 at 9:17 AM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 9:17 AM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Do it Lumberjanes style: "what the junk!" "What in the name of Joan Jett?!?!" "holy Ina Mae Gaskin!"
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 9:19 AM on September 20, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 9:19 AM on September 20, 2015 [8 favorites]
I'm a curser. I swear, a lot. Always did. My kids, however, are only starting to use the words I've always used now that they're in their 20s. They've always thought of my colourful language as being "mom-speak", and therefore waayyy too embarrassing to use themselves. I like Yosemite Sam, though, and often use his type of invective. "Rats!" is also on my list.
posted by Samarium at 9:20 AM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Samarium at 9:20 AM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
"Oh fer cryin' out loud!" is my replacement "oh for fucks sake!" Completely clean so you can say it as loud as you like and imbue it with as much frustration/emotion as you'd like. It's surprisingly satisfying. (Thanks for this question. I'm hoping to transition out of my very, uh, casual workplace into a more proper office environment next year. Need to start minding my language now and avoid "Goddamn it, this motherfucking photocopier is fucking broken again!)
posted by Beti at 9:24 AM on September 20, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by Beti at 9:24 AM on September 20, 2015 [6 favorites]
Blast! and Blast it! were what my dad said when he was really pissed off or frustrated when I was a kid.
Autocorrect just changed pissed to posted, which is a good potential substitute. "I'm posted off at you."
posted by ChuraChura at 9:50 AM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Autocorrect just changed pissed to posted, which is a good potential substitute. "I'm posted off at you."
posted by ChuraChura at 9:50 AM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Oh sugar!
Oh sugar pops!
Oh fudge!
Well I'll be a blue nose gopher!
Straight from my mom :)
posted by christiehawk at 9:53 AM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
Oh sugar pops!
Oh fudge!
Well I'll be a blue nose gopher!
Straight from my mom :)
posted by christiehawk at 9:53 AM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
Oh as kids we used to say "freakin" all the time instead of f-cking
posted by christiehawk at 9:55 AM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by christiehawk at 9:55 AM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Mom's favorite was, said very loudly for emphasis, clenched teeth and all: "Dirty rotten BRUTZELFRUSS!" (It is very satisfying, go on, try it!)
Dad was a fan of a good drawn-out "well, gaaaaal' dang it!" and "aw, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" (said in a very disgusted tone, which always amused the, um, heck out of me) and the like.
"Holy mother of pearl!"
"What the frell?!"
"Fishsticks!"
posted by cardinality at 9:58 AM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Dad was a fan of a good drawn-out "well, gaaaaal' dang it!" and "aw, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" (said in a very disgusted tone, which always amused the, um, heck out of me) and the like.
"Holy mother of pearl!"
"What the frell?!"
"Fishsticks!"
posted by cardinality at 9:58 AM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: We use mother trucker, and baby trucker!
posted by littlewater at 9:59 AM on September 20, 2015
posted by littlewater at 9:59 AM on September 20, 2015
Best answer: In situations where I can't curse, I use "forget that" in lieu of "fuck that."
posted by topophilia at 10:10 AM on September 20, 2015
posted by topophilia at 10:10 AM on September 20, 2015
We enjoyed animals - frog for fuck, badger for bugger...
Also some old ones aren't great as specific replacements but are quite catchy (to me at least), cripes, crikey, and blimey for example.
posted by fizban at 10:14 AM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Also some old ones aren't great as specific replacements but are quite catchy (to me at least), cripes, crikey, and blimey for example.
posted by fizban at 10:14 AM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
In our house we say "Sweet Fancy Moses!" in place of "Holy Shit!" a lot. Also when my kids were going through a SpongeBob phase, they brought us both "Barnacles!" and "Bottomfeeders!" as expressions of dismay, which have remained although their affection for the show has waned.
I am appropriating "juicebox" in the place of "clusterfuck" starting immediately.
posted by KathrynT at 10:15 AM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
I am appropriating "juicebox" in the place of "clusterfuck" starting immediately.
posted by KathrynT at 10:15 AM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: My mother would say simply literally "BAD WORD" in a loud, declarative voice
posted by metahawk at 10:23 AM on September 20, 2015 [32 favorites]
posted by metahawk at 10:23 AM on September 20, 2015 [32 favorites]
Oh you FUNT
posted by flabdablet at 10:30 AM on September 20, 2015
posted by flabdablet at 10:30 AM on September 20, 2015
Good night nurse!
I also swear quite a bit and don't care about it yet on occasion I use holy toledo or holy cow and find them equally satisfying.
posted by janey47 at 10:41 AM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
I also swear quite a bit and don't care about it yet on occasion I use holy toledo or holy cow and find them equally satisfying.
posted by janey47 at 10:41 AM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
From "Jackie Brown," dubbed for cable: "Give me my mutual funding money, mellow farmer!"
My grandpa substituted "good for nothin" for goddamn.
posted by Maarika at 10:42 AM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
My grandpa substituted "good for nothin" for goddamn.
posted by Maarika at 10:42 AM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'll replace the previously common-in-my-usage "OH FUCK ME HARDER" with "oh, piffle" if I'm trying to not be that swearing-like-a-sailor chick.
*I* know what it means, even if nobody else does.
posted by rmd1023 at 10:43 AM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
*I* know what it means, even if nobody else does.
posted by rmd1023 at 10:43 AM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
A colleague of mine yells "Oh S–––ugar Lumps" instead of "Oh Shhhhhhhit" all the time.
It's pretty funny and sweet as she is the kind of person who would literally never use "vulgar language" but you can tell that her intentions are there.
posted by stackhaus23 at 10:51 AM on September 20, 2015
It's pretty funny and sweet as she is the kind of person who would literally never use "vulgar language" but you can tell that her intentions are there.
posted by stackhaus23 at 10:51 AM on September 20, 2015
I've heard "got down, sat on a bench" before.
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 10:55 AM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 10:55 AM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Kiss my left toe = kiss my ass. A coworker of mine used to say that.
My daughter got in trouble in school for telling someone to "Consume feces and expire", so replacing words doesn't always keep kids out of trouble. Just so's you know.
And during road rage when my kids were younger, I'd call people old-timey names like "scurvy knave!" and "slimy son of a dog! (or mule)" They got a kick out of it.
"Cornstarch!" also has a good ring to it when used in place of "fuck it!" or "damn it" I picked that up from a book somewhere. I wish I could remember where.
posted by patheral at 10:59 AM on September 20, 2015 [8 favorites]
My daughter got in trouble in school for telling someone to "Consume feces and expire", so replacing words doesn't always keep kids out of trouble. Just so's you know.
And during road rage when my kids were younger, I'd call people old-timey names like "scurvy knave!" and "slimy son of a dog! (or mule)" They got a kick out of it.
"Cornstarch!" also has a good ring to it when used in place of "fuck it!" or "damn it" I picked that up from a book somewhere. I wish I could remember where.
posted by patheral at 10:59 AM on September 20, 2015 [8 favorites]
Borderline example from Allison Janney's character in The Way Way Back:
"They called me a 'See-you-next-Tuesday'! To my face!"
posted by HillbillyInBC at 11:13 AM on September 20, 2015
"They called me a 'See-you-next-Tuesday'! To my face!"
posted by HillbillyInBC at 11:13 AM on September 20, 2015
Sacre bleu! Sacre couer! (Pardon my french) Heavens to Murgatroyd! Jinkies! Blast!/Blast you!
posted by sexyrobot at 11:29 AM on September 20, 2015
posted by sexyrobot at 11:29 AM on September 20, 2015
I once caught myself in the middle of a good MFer and corrected with, "Mother...of pearl!"
A friend of mine uses "ish" to avoid saying "shit" in front of her daughter and (college) students. "Sugar" is a pretty common replacement in certain demographics, too.
And The Big Lebowski's TV dub gives us "find a stranger in the Alps," which, even if you're not making a literal connection to the original phrase, is an excellent and satisfying swear. "Well, find me in the Alps!" works, too.
posted by rhiannonstone at 11:58 AM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
A friend of mine uses "ish" to avoid saying "shit" in front of her daughter and (college) students. "Sugar" is a pretty common replacement in certain demographics, too.
And The Big Lebowski's TV dub gives us "find a stranger in the Alps," which, even if you're not making a literal connection to the original phrase, is an excellent and satisfying swear. "Well, find me in the Alps!" works, too.
posted by rhiannonstone at 11:58 AM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
From Mom: "Jeezer Annie!"
From Dad: "Son of a biscuit!" ... "God bless it!" ... "Stink!" ... "You knothead!" ...
posted by jgirl at 12:42 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
From Dad: "Son of a biscuit!" ... "God bless it!" ... "Stink!" ... "You knothead!" ...
posted by jgirl at 12:42 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
When I was a kid, bad drivers were nimnodes and bucket-heads to my dad.
posted by teremala at 12:43 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by teremala at 12:43 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Peter Carey has his fictionalized Ned Kelly use "adjectival" in The True History of the Kelly Gang ( NK is writing up a memoir for his daughter).
posted by brujita at 1:13 PM on September 20, 2015
posted by brujita at 1:13 PM on September 20, 2015
Best answer: My cousin's kid uses "Aw, Nuggets!" as her exclamation. I always found that one to have a satisfying cadence to it.
posted by JannaK at 1:14 PM on September 20, 2015
posted by JannaK at 1:14 PM on September 20, 2015
I use "Kartoffelsalat" (Car-tough-all-sah-lot, potato salad) for mother fucker and "Schnittlauch" (shnit-l-ouch, chives) for asshole. German sounds nicely angry, and Kartoffelsalat has much-needed F sounds to be a good replacement.
posted by JawnBigboote at 1:41 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by JawnBigboote at 1:41 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
"Benedict Cumberbatch!"
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 1:54 PM on September 20, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 1:54 PM on September 20, 2015 [5 favorites]
My boss says, "krakatoa!"
posted by vespabelle at 1:54 PM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by vespabelle at 1:54 PM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
In The League they use "frittata" for "fucking retarded." As someone who has spent a lot of time trying to excise the r-word from my raised-in-the-80s vocabulary, this is a satisfying substitute, as is "ridiculous."
posted by alicetiara at 2:19 PM on September 20, 2015
posted by alicetiara at 2:19 PM on September 20, 2015
Apparently this is from the Simpsons but it has stood me well: scum sucking pus bucket.
Try it. It's deeply satisfying.
posted by b33j at 2:33 PM on September 20, 2015
Try it. It's deeply satisfying.
posted by b33j at 2:33 PM on September 20, 2015
Our Minnesotan friends introduced us to the "Oh, for [X]!" construction. It can be modified as necessary to fit the situation:
Adorable cat video = Oh, for CUTE!
Someone cuts you off in traffic = Oh, for DUMB!
I prefer "SWEET zombie Reagan!" or, as mentioned above, some Yosemite Sam-style rassa-frassa-stramma-borkin-kazzle-hamma-parfle!
posted by mon-ma-tron at 2:33 PM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
Adorable cat video = Oh, for CUTE!
Someone cuts you off in traffic = Oh, for DUMB!
I prefer "SWEET zombie Reagan!" or, as mentioned above, some Yosemite Sam-style rassa-frassa-stramma-borkin-kazzle-hamma-parfle!
posted by mon-ma-tron at 2:33 PM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: My favorites are "blasted", e.g. couldn't get the blasted thing open.
And "he's a real stone of a peach."
posted by estelahe at 2:59 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
And "he's a real stone of a peach."
posted by estelahe at 2:59 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
I suspect I found my favorite one here but I have also recommended it before:
ACKING FUSSHOLE!
Also, you could steal from the wonderful overdub of "The Usual Suspects" on network TV and substitute "fairy godmother" for "fucking cocksucker."
posted by dlugoczaj at 3:00 PM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
ACKING FUSSHOLE!
Also, you could steal from the wonderful overdub of "The Usual Suspects" on network TV and substitute "fairy godmother" for "fucking cocksucker."
posted by dlugoczaj at 3:00 PM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
The censored version of Snakes on a Plane had a great line: "I've had it with these Monkey Fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane". YouTube
The tv show Adventure Time has some great ones. YouTube Here are some more examples from a Reddit post.
posted by vegetableagony at 3:05 PM on September 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
The tv show Adventure Time has some great ones. YouTube Here are some more examples from a Reddit post.
posted by vegetableagony at 3:05 PM on September 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
My late mother-in-law, a Brit, used to say "Crumbs!". Or if she was quite irritated it was "Oh, Gordon Bennett!"
posted by anemone at 3:23 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by anemone at 3:23 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
My favorite, from my own mother, is God Doggit for goddammit. Emphasis on the DOG.
posted by Sara C. at 3:36 PM on September 20, 2015
posted by Sara C. at 3:36 PM on September 20, 2015
Best answer: Shut your pie hole! for STFU
Also some possibly-suitable ones here:
-dump truck! (for fuck!)
-lint licker (I don't know what that stands in for but I'm adopting it as a new insult)
-from the comments:
---"My Mom always said "Shoot a mile" when others would use the S-word."
---"Son of a Baptist pastor!" (awesome)
---"I Don't Give a Donald DUCK!" (which might have the cadence you like)
---I favour "Jive Turkey." However, I find myself using "Donald Trump" a lot nowadays. (probably not helpful but entertaining)
I know you weren't looking for insults but there are some very satisfying words and combinations here. For e.g.,
-loggerheaded harpy (fucking bitch)
-fobbing flap-dragon (fucking idiot)
I saw god's teeth! in there somewhere for goddamn it but I'm not sure if you are trying to avoid religious terms as well. I also like ye gods! as a little nod to pTerry but it's more for mild exasperation that serious swearing.
(I love all these creative options. I'm going to start trying to make "You Facebook!" a substitute for "you fucking bitch!")
posted by Beti at 3:45 PM on September 20, 2015
Also some possibly-suitable ones here:
-dump truck! (for fuck!)
-lint licker (I don't know what that stands in for but I'm adopting it as a new insult)
-from the comments:
---"My Mom always said "Shoot a mile" when others would use the S-word."
---"Son of a Baptist pastor!" (awesome)
---"I Don't Give a Donald DUCK!" (which might have the cadence you like)
---I favour "Jive Turkey." However, I find myself using "Donald Trump" a lot nowadays. (probably not helpful but entertaining)
I know you weren't looking for insults but there are some very satisfying words and combinations here. For e.g.,
-loggerheaded harpy (fucking bitch)
-fobbing flap-dragon (fucking idiot)
I saw god's teeth! in there somewhere for goddamn it but I'm not sure if you are trying to avoid religious terms as well. I also like ye gods! as a little nod to pTerry but it's more for mild exasperation that serious swearing.
(I love all these creative options. I'm going to start trying to make "You Facebook!" a substitute for "you fucking bitch!")
posted by Beti at 3:45 PM on September 20, 2015
Jeezum crow !
posted by pintapicasso at 4:21 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by pintapicasso at 4:21 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
I work in construction, where swearing is usually not a problem. However, I worked with a guy who told me a story about a site he was on, and the overly involved client. We usually try not to curse too much when there are suit-wearing people around. However, this particular suit-wearer was around the site all the time, so the guys got in the habit of saying "thank you" in place of "fuck you," with all the quiet vitriol they could muster. Poor client just thought that he was in the presence of the politest construction crew in existence.
posted by Jynnan Tonnyx at 4:33 PM on September 20, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by Jynnan Tonnyx at 4:33 PM on September 20, 2015 [10 favorites]
Best answer: Satisfying short sharp sounds learned from Brit colleagues:
kin ell: (fuc)kin' (h)ell
bugger
Really hit the first syllable on the latter.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 5:15 PM on September 20, 2015
kin ell: (fuc)kin' (h)ell
bugger
Really hit the first syllable on the latter.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 5:15 PM on September 20, 2015
Best answer: From an old priest friend of mine: "Sunken ditch!" Also I just saw a play where one of the leads says, "Jesus wept!"
posted by intrepid_simpleton at 6:18 PM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by intrepid_simpleton at 6:18 PM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
"Judas Priest!" for any/all of one's "Jesus Christ!"-esque needs. (Mine are all dad swears; my mother prefers original recipe.)
posted by teremala at 7:49 PM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by teremala at 7:49 PM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
Cheese and rice.
Blasted
Oh my word - a friend who's religious uses this where I yell OMG.
Freaking
Shoot
I would not endorse "bugger" as it can be interpreted as a slur.
I swear in front of my kids sometimes. I figure they might as well not grow up thinking it makes a person bad or that it's not okay for women to do it - which is how I grew up. I lost out on plenty of friendships as a kid because I thought people who swore were scary, bad people.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 8:07 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Blasted
Oh my word - a friend who's religious uses this where I yell OMG.
Freaking
Shoot
I would not endorse "bugger" as it can be interpreted as a slur.
I swear in front of my kids sometimes. I figure they might as well not grow up thinking it makes a person bad or that it's not okay for women to do it - which is how I grew up. I lost out on plenty of friendships as a kid because I thought people who swore were scary, bad people.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 8:07 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
One warning: keep in mind that if it has the same sound and cadence, when your toddler or preschooler or kindergartner repeats it, odds are high that one of two things will happen:
1) They'll mispronounce it (like so many kids do) with the "correct" swear, or
2) It will be assumed that they actually said the "correct" swear, and they'll be punished based on what the person thought they heard, not what was actually said.
Your child might be better off in the long run if you choose a favorite or two that isn't quite so easily mistaken for the real thing.
One of my favorites is Jiminy Cricket - and I'm the only one I know that says that. I also tend to use the work "freaking" a lot... and "You have got to be kidding me" and "Really?" and "What in the ????" pretty much fill in the rest.
posted by stormyteal at 8:15 PM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
1) They'll mispronounce it (like so many kids do) with the "correct" swear, or
2) It will be assumed that they actually said the "correct" swear, and they'll be punished based on what the person thought they heard, not what was actually said.
Your child might be better off in the long run if you choose a favorite or two that isn't quite so easily mistaken for the real thing.
One of my favorites is Jiminy Cricket - and I'm the only one I know that says that. I also tend to use the work "freaking" a lot... and "You have got to be kidding me" and "Really?" and "What in the ????" pretty much fill in the rest.
posted by stormyteal at 8:15 PM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
I would not endorse "bugger" as it can be interpreted as a slur.
Yeah, true. I'll have to start saying "bother."
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:50 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Yeah, true. I'll have to start saying "bother."
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:50 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: A friend says "Mother Father!" although that may be a little too close for comfort.
Another friend recently said "All the Swear Words!".
I'm liking the sound of "fracas!" mentioned upthread.
In the car, which is where I tend to swear, I've replaced mother fucker with "Dude! What are you doing?!?!" Which my now 4yo has been hollering since about 2.5yrs, so I guess it still makes an impact.
posted by vignettist at 9:02 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Another friend recently said "All the Swear Words!".
I'm liking the sound of "fracas!" mentioned upthread.
In the car, which is where I tend to swear, I've replaced mother fucker with "Dude! What are you doing?!?!" Which my now 4yo has been hollering since about 2.5yrs, so I guess it still makes an impact.
posted by vignettist at 9:02 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
"Sweet Mary Margaret mother," gets used, also "holy cats!" and all varieties of "dang" where "damn" would go. Sometimes just a vehement "COME ON" works as well as anything. Your tone can express disgust regardless of the word used.
posted by emjaybee at 9:45 PM on September 20, 2015
posted by emjaybee at 9:45 PM on September 20, 2015
the many curses, insults + exclamations of Captain Haddock offer limitless possibilities if mixed and matched.
posted by philip-random at 11:21 PM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by philip-random at 11:21 PM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
Following the Harry Enfield show a few years back, we started referring to muddy funsters on occasion.
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 12:14 AM on September 21, 2015
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 12:14 AM on September 21, 2015
Best answer: Along the same lines are Metahawk's mother, I have a friend who says, "Bad Swearword!" or, when necessary, "Really Bad Swearword!" with all the energy & emphasis of saying the actual words. I also started using these on occasion & find they satisfy the 'itch'. Plus of course, the subtitles inside your head can be whatever you want.
posted by cantthinkofagoodname at 2:59 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by cantthinkofagoodname at 2:59 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
When something/someone is frustrating me and I'd typically swear, sometimes I just vehemently say "Are you KIDDING me?" And then I quietly answer myself "No, no you're not."
posted by fourpotatoes at 4:03 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by fourpotatoes at 4:03 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
I haven't said it for ages but when I was a kid it was 'rack off' instead of the obvious. Actually, now that you've reminded me of it I think I'll start using it again, particularly in the car which is when I'm most sweary.
Monty Python gave me 'shut your festering gob, you tit'. Red Dwarf gave me 'smeghead' and 'stop your foul whining, you filthy piece of distended rectum'.
Body parts are a good substitute for swearing. Uterus, perineum, gland, spleen, extremity, knuckle, ulna. All good words.
posted by h00py at 6:21 AM on September 21, 2015
Monty Python gave me 'shut your festering gob, you tit'. Red Dwarf gave me 'smeghead' and 'stop your foul whining, you filthy piece of distended rectum'.
Body parts are a good substitute for swearing. Uterus, perineum, gland, spleen, extremity, knuckle, ulna. All good words.
posted by h00py at 6:21 AM on September 21, 2015
A teacher friend of mine uses "crumb of a biscuit," which is very satisfying.
posted by SeedStitch at 6:41 AM on September 21, 2015
posted by SeedStitch at 6:41 AM on September 21, 2015
"Tartar sauce!" is a good one from Spongebob.
Brad Neely's 'Wizard People' has a few good ones: "Crumbs and Carrots" or a well-placed "WILLIKERS!"
A friend of mine had a very funny way of saying Ffffff........udge ripple! when he was upset, but maybe not the best for a kid.
posted by nakedmolerats at 8:20 AM on September 21, 2015
Brad Neely's 'Wizard People' has a few good ones: "Crumbs and Carrots" or a well-placed "WILLIKERS!"
A friend of mine had a very funny way of saying Ffffff........udge ripple! when he was upset, but maybe not the best for a kid.
posted by nakedmolerats at 8:20 AM on September 21, 2015
An old friend of mine used to say "Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick!" which I always thought she got from a Kevin Smith movie but it's actually a Dead Milkmen quote.
Personally, I'm partial to "Blast!!!"
My brother used to say, "I don't give a rat's rear!" when we were kids. We're old enough to swear now, but my mom doesn't so she still says it. It's cute.
posted by jabes at 11:39 AM on September 21, 2015
Personally, I'm partial to "Blast!!!"
My brother used to say, "I don't give a rat's rear!" when we were kids. We're old enough to swear now, but my mom doesn't so she still says it. It's cute.
posted by jabes at 11:39 AM on September 21, 2015
My late father's favorite swear word was Sucka MC. He used it long after no one in the hip hop world even said it anymore, which made it all the more endearing.
posted by nubianinthedesert at 12:13 PM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by nubianinthedesert at 12:13 PM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Genuinely surprised that this Orbit commercial has not yet been referenced in this thread.
posted by hootenatty at 4:01 PM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by hootenatty at 4:01 PM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Another great one from Adventure Time: to donk something up instead of fucking it up, ie: "Don't donk it up," or "Ya done donked it up."
posted by moons in june at 11:13 PM on September 21, 2015
posted by moons in june at 11:13 PM on September 21, 2015
"Oh, cranberry sauce!"
I don't know where it came from or what it's supposed to replace, but it's got a nice rhythm to it and you can put a lot of emphasis on the nasalized "cran".
posted by hydrophonic at 9:27 AM on September 23, 2015
I don't know where it came from or what it's supposed to replace, but it's got a nice rhythm to it and you can put a lot of emphasis on the nasalized "cran".
posted by hydrophonic at 9:27 AM on September 23, 2015
Another nice collection here, courtesy of Dragon Ball Z Abridged.
posted by Aleyn at 1:26 PM on September 23, 2015
posted by Aleyn at 1:26 PM on September 23, 2015
A character in a Terry Pratchett novel (Monstrous Regiment, I think) was in the army but couldn't swear for religious reasons and had to be creative; my favorite was calling soldiers "Sons of mothers!"
posted by Pyrattorney at 4:16 PM on September 24, 2015
posted by Pyrattorney at 4:16 PM on September 24, 2015
A favorite from Strangers With Candy: "Jesus, Mary and the spook!"
In the TV-censored version of Bottle Rocket, "cocksucker" became, "He's a real cock-a-ROACH," with all that weird emphasis. Still satisfying to say.
My dad, when not actually swearing, would exclaim, "Oh, Christmas!" or "Holy Christmas," etc.
My mom, when not swearing in Japanese, would tsk and exhale a Clay Davis-style "Sheeeeeeeeeeeee..." until the "-yit" was basically inaudible from decrescendo. It always made me and my brothers giggle.
posted by cluebucket at 3:55 PM on September 25, 2015
In the TV-censored version of Bottle Rocket, "cocksucker" became, "He's a real cock-a-ROACH," with all that weird emphasis. Still satisfying to say.
My dad, when not actually swearing, would exclaim, "Oh, Christmas!" or "Holy Christmas," etc.
My mom, when not swearing in Japanese, would tsk and exhale a Clay Davis-style "Sheeeeeeeeeeeee..." until the "-yit" was basically inaudible from decrescendo. It always made me and my brothers giggle.
posted by cluebucket at 3:55 PM on September 25, 2015
I have this friend that sometimes calls me a 'goose' when I know she really means 'you fucking cocksucker'.
posted by exoticlikeomaha at 6:59 AM on September 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by exoticlikeomaha at 6:59 AM on September 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
Oh hell's teeth and buckets of blood
posted by flabdablet at 9:18 PM on September 27, 2015
posted by flabdablet at 9:18 PM on September 27, 2015
A family favorite TV edit was The Matrix, during the early scene when Agent Smith is interrogating Neo.
The original line was, "How about I give you the finger [flips off Agent Smith], and then you give me my phone call?"
The edit was hilarious.
posted by Celsius1414 at 10:46 AM on October 1, 2015
The original line was, "How about I give you the finger [flips off Agent Smith], and then you give me my phone call?"
The edit was hilarious.
posted by Celsius1414 at 10:46 AM on October 1, 2015
Best answer: Got dandruff! = God dammit!
Got dandruff, some of it itches! = God damn sonofabitches!
Cheese & rice! = Jesus Christ!
posted by isthmus at 10:02 PM on October 1, 2015
Got dandruff, some of it itches! = God damn sonofabitches!
Cheese & rice! = Jesus Christ!
posted by isthmus at 10:02 PM on October 1, 2015
Best answer: In high school, our after-school theatre group participated in an annual regional competition...when there were judges around, it apparently would've been bad for us to be heard swearing, even when we weren't on or anywhere near stage, so we were all trained to replace all our cusswords with SMURF, declined and conjugated as necessary (mothersmurfing SMURF!...)
Also, while I have no idea where it came from originally, I recall "son of a motherless goat!" being a few friends' replacement for son of a bitch...
posted by FlyingMonkey at 3:33 PM on January 29, 2016
Also, while I have no idea where it came from originally, I recall "son of a motherless goat!" being a few friends' replacement for son of a bitch...
posted by FlyingMonkey at 3:33 PM on January 29, 2016
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posted by coppermoss at 7:17 AM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]