How can I make my life worth living for its own sake?
August 31, 2015 2:50 AM   Subscribe

I want to make my life worth living for its own sake, but I've got some limitations that mean the standard advice on this topic doesn't work for me. Has anyone been in a similar situation, and managed to improve things?

I'm not at imminent risk of suicide or self-harm, but I realised recently that the only thing keeping me going is my partner, and I want to change this. I want my life to be worth living in itself, so that a) I've got a reason to carry on if something happens to him, and b) I'm not putting pressure on him to be The One Thing Keeping RedRob Alive.

When I've googled the problem, I've found a lot of hints and tips that aren't applicable to my situation. These are the ideas that I've already considered and discarded:

• Going to my GP to talk about depression – I don't want to get into the details here, but please trust that this isn't going to be an option for at least 3 or 4 years.
• Adopting a pet – I don't dislike animals, but I don't want to spend any time around them.
• Making friends – I don't enjoy being around people.
• Volunteering – I don't get any satisfaction out of helping people.
• Doing things that mean being away from my partner – I'm miserable when we're apart, and adding anything else onto the "unhappiness" side of the scales feels like a very bad idea.

I do have hobbies that I enjoy, but the pleasure I get from those just isn't enough to keep me going. I've been told in the past to focus on the "little things", but to me, small pleasures just aren't sufficient to compensate for the unpleasantness of being in the world.

So I feel pretty stuck. Has anyone had a similar problem, and managed to change improve their situation? Is there anything I could try, which isn't on the list above?

Demographic info in case it's relevant: I'm in my mid-30s, gay, trans, childfree, atheist, and poly. I work full-time, exercise regularly, sleep and eat reasonably well, and don't drink/smoke/do drugs.
posted by RedRob to Health & Fitness (20 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
 
It's going to be hard to answer this if you won't explain the unique limitations preventing you from seeking medical help.
posted by showbiz_liz at 3:03 AM on August 31, 2015 [16 favorites]


First, you need to up that timeline in speaking to a qualified medical and/or mental health professional because everything underneath it suggests exactly what you want to avoid being and doing.

That said, check out the book "Party of One." Maybe you don't like many people, and that's okay. But what that means is being comfortable in your own space enough to do things and be things on your own, by yourself. And some people just immensely prefer to be alone. BUT, alone and lonely are not the same.

So, try doing things without your partner by yourself that doesn't necessarily have to involve more than general public courtesy. Go to a movie by yourself (surely there has on occasion been one you want to see that your partner hasn't wanted to see?). Pick up a good book and read it under a tree at a quiet park. Go for a long, long walk.

If doing even these things (or the idea of doing them) for a couple of hours makes you miserable because you're not with your partner for part of an afternoon, then regardless of any mitigating details, a medical or mental health professional is in order. If the reason you can't is because you are in an area where being trans is more difficult than in others or possibly dangerous, then don't discount that as contributing a lot to your feelings and depression, in which case, I'd recommend reaching out to online forums for transfolk who may be able to help you benefit from their experiences in how they, for now, have gotten by and what others have done to get out.

And even if you're not in MA, the wonderful people at BAGLY might have some idea of where to get you started.
posted by zizzle at 3:28 AM on August 31, 2015 [1 favorite]


This will be a difficult question to answer given the caveats you've put on it.

When I was depressed, nothing was any good and the smaller suggestions did not help. It took seeing a GP and getting the proper medication to bear being around people socially, even though I do actually enjoy it. So if you're going to push off all the social elements then the medical element is not divorced from that, and it would be good to know exactly what your justifications are in case they're incorrect for one reason or another. I understand that you're asking for trust on that point but it's a pretty important point a lot of the time. If something's getting in the way of it, that's what you should be putting out here. Is it painful, or professionally compromising? Wait a bit and post under the anonymous account here.

Focus on the "little things" I've found as a good principle that falls down as a general suggestion - nobody has the same little things. It's more of a talisman to me; if I feel really terrible then I ground myself a bit by remembering I'll wake up in the morning and make some coffee and it will be excellent coffee. I wouldn't call it a reason to live, but it's a reason to avoid the alternative as that would mean no more coffee.
posted by solarion at 3:35 AM on August 31, 2015 [4 favorites]


My first instinct is to suggest that the reason you propose that the usual things people recommend in these circumstances will NOT work for you is because you are depressed. I.e., these things MAY work for you, but because you are depressed you don't think they will OR your current brain chemistry won't allow them to work for you.

I'll take it at face value that you cannot see your GP/doctor*, but maybe in the meantime you might investigate vitamins that could help? E.g., Vitamin D3? Vitamin B12? St John's Wort?

I am not a doctor (obs) and there is mixed evidence for the effectiveness of these things, esp with major depression. But -- assuming you heed all the usual warnings with respect to taking vitamins and potential interactions with other drugs, etc. etc. -- it might be worth a shot.

* OK, maybe you can't see your usual GP, but why not pay to go privately (or whatever) and see ANOTHER GP (who won't pass along the nature of your meeting to your current GP)?
posted by Halo in reverse at 4:11 AM on August 31, 2015 [8 favorites]


What about finding something that gets you out of your own head for a bit? For me, exercise and volunteer work do that. You might find other things that work for you.

It's not that I enjoy those activities so much, it's that doing them forces me to think about things other than my own negative thoughts for a bit, and that little mental break lets me put everything else in perspective.
posted by peppermind at 4:15 AM on August 31, 2015


Wanting to always be with someone and being miserable when you are not with them, to me, is a symptom of anxiety. Can you look into getting help with anxiety? If you can't get formal help from a GP and/or don't want to take pills for generalized rather than episodic anxiety, you might consider looking for a workbook that would offer cognitive behavior exercises that help with anxiety and/or depression.

Do you have access to support group for trans people, or for people who fit a similar demographic to you? I'm thinking an on-line group or forum where you can lurk and feel less singular, and if it is a good group after you have lurked for a week or two, you can start saying affirming things for other members.

Often depression works to protect us from a hostile world. If you spend your entire day being servile and doing emotional labour for customers, the chances are you will be utterly burned out by the end of the work day, and non-self-assertive behavior will be ingrained, making it harder for you to take from other people rather than just giving and giving. Similarly, if your job isn't utterly draining you, but you have reason to believe that if people around you find out that you are trans they will tear you to shreds and eat you alive like they are piranha, depression is a functional way of ensuring that you don't go out and endanger yourself from over confidence.

To build up your confidence and dominance and interest in life you might want to try some goal setting. I don't mean the horrible lemming goals that you find in the self-help books for the upwardly mobile, but small goals aesthetically pleasing to you and helpful to your brain. For example you could memorize some poems or quotations that are meaningful to you, or set the goal of practicing a musical instrument for fifteen minutes three times a week, or setting up a private altar where you can practice mindfulness or prayer, or learn to tie a perfect four in hand tie, or become zen with the football. Creative goals are often good. The idea is not to become good at the musical instrument or find perfect reassurance from the memorization but rather to create structure and a different environment for your brain.

When you are depressed you are experiencing brain chemistry that you want to change. Other things can mask as depression, such as exhaustion or malnutrition. There are various well known ways to get a mood lift - acquisition, cuddles, excitement etc. and you could experiment with those things as well as making sure that you are not iron or vitamin B12 deficient. If you spend an entire day on a media fast, as well as sleeping, do you feel better and are you more functional the next day? Can you go to your S/O and get some really tight firm hugs? Some people find deep pressure helps ground them.

And don't forget that if there are female hormones in your system, they can cause all kinds of havoc. Whether you are swallowing them or if they are present because of your biology, female hormones make some people into zombies running on hormone fueled auto-pilot. Rage, crying jags, nausea... if the exact balance of the hormones isn't just right for you there can be nasty side-effects. Your depression could be something as simple as hormone fueled rage that yo are not expressing in the form of stamping and throwing things, but sublimated to the level where you walk around prickly with discomfort.

For myself I find green therapy very helpful. As a rule being in the presence of large deciduous trees makes me feel better, including when they are naked ghosts against a grey sky, standing up from a deep field of drifted snow. They just make me feel right. There may be similar natural things for you, and if so it is worth exploring a little to find out if grass, or vegetable fields, or cows way over there at the other end of the meadow make you feel somehow in the right environment.

Basically I am suggesting that you think outside of the box and find things that are small building blocks towards being happy. If you look back to what made you happy when you were a small person at about age eight or so, you may be able to get some leads rather than having to try random things. I liked swinging - any kind of rocking still feels good to me. You have an inner life that could be a source of deep, intense lasting happiness. There are many different things you can experiment with to find it.
posted by Jane the Brown at 4:17 AM on August 31, 2015 [3 favorites]


You say you can't talk to your GP, but why not talk to a therapist? You sound badly stuck and depressed, and getting out of that is going to be a lot harder on your own than it would be if you were working with a good therapist.

You say you get no satisfaction out of helping people, but I wonder if that's because you haven't helped people in a way that matters to you. Is there some cause that really matters to you? Perhaps people who are suffering in some way that you've suffered, so their struggle would be very understandable to you. (You're trans, and the first thing that springs to my mind is working with trans youth. Would it really do nothing for you, to help a homeless kid who has been rejected by her family for being trans?) If you've just gathered up cans of food for the poor or something, that may be too abstract. Think of the things that enrage or inspire you, and consider doing some volunteering based on that.

You say you don't like being around people, but you're probably just not around the right people. Your partner is a person. Is he the only person in the world you could ever enjoy being around? Look for people who share your interests, whether that's some sort of fandom or passion for a cause or whatever. Don't let your depression mislead you into thinking that people everywhere just suck and there's nobody worth knowing. Come on, you know that's bullshit!

Last year I thought I was terminal, and it turned out I wasn't but my health is still all jacked up and I could quite possibly die young. Knowing that has made me take a hard look at life and I am figuring some big shit out myself. But I'll tell ya: you are going to die. Someday you will not be here anymore, and that day could come at any time. Really let that thought in. You could be dead in 10 years, or a week. You have got to really live the life you've got. If you spend your life in a depressed haze, watching the clock tick the hours away, the day will come when you are flat on your back and you're dying and you will want to shriek for all the time you wasted.

Call a therapist, today.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 4:31 AM on August 31, 2015 [5 favorites]


Accepting that you cannot talk to your GP about depression -- can you go in for a regular physical and tell them you've been tired lately? "Tired" will lead to a lot of the same screening bloodwork as "depressed" -- iron, thyroid (ESPECIALLY THYROID), B12, D, etc. It may be something as simple as that.

Beyond that, I second the suggestion for a CBT workbook (I believe Feeling Better is the standard MeFi recommendation). Even if you don't think it will work.
posted by pie ninja at 5:07 AM on August 31, 2015 [2 favorites]


I think you need to find a doctor to see ASAP. You could go to urgent care today. You need to be seen like in the next few days. This is not OK.

You need to see a therapist as well. You constraints show some likely distorted thinking that a therapist may really be able to help you with.
posted by Kalmya at 5:11 AM on August 31, 2015 [5 favorites]


I realised recently that the only thing keeping me going is my partner

I want my life to be worth living in itself,

This is a moving target RedRob. Sometimes what gives life meaning is your own enjoyment of it, sometimes what gives your life meaning is what you mean to other people, sometimes it's what other people mean to you. Sometimes it's all three - and sometimes it's nothing at all. It ebbs and flows.

Lennon said life is what happens while you're waiting for something better to come along. That pretty much sums it up.

One of my best and oldest friends intentionally overdosed on heroin last summer. I know why he did it and it's cool and I wouldn't want him to think he made a bad choice or let anyone down. He did what he wanted to do, what he needed to do, and I respect that, BUT GODDAMN I MISS HIM and I wish I could pick up the phone and call him. And just writing these words brings tears to my eyes and re-awakens the pain in my heart. I call his mom, send her flowers on his birthday, and share her pain, but nothing will ever make it go away. I wish I could have visited him when he was still alive as the Ghost of Christmas future, but no one gets that chance.

Hang in there brother. Drink, smoke, do drugs. Play your music loud. Live your life. Don't overthink it. Something better always comes along.
posted by three blind mice at 5:52 AM on August 31, 2015 [4 favorites]


There's one thing that struck me about your post:

Making friends – I don't enjoy being around people.

But you do enjoy being around your partner (which is the crux of your question), so you enjoy being around at least one person, one can conclude.

I would find things that are at least marginally enjoyable to you that can involve 1 or 2 other people (not your partner), because it sounds like you may not enjoy large groups of people, but individuals could be better. Hanging your happiness on a single individual is a recipe for heartache at some point in your life, so having at least a small support system of a few more folks (it doesn't have to be many) who make life bearable seems to be a good step.
posted by xingcat at 6:13 AM on August 31, 2015 [1 favorite]


Feeling Good is the name of the book you should be looking for, which is basically CBT in a box for people who can't for some reason access a good CBT therapist at any given point. It goes a very, very long way. And I totally get feeling iffy about seeking professional help given your current situation if you're not living somewhere with good, safe, trans/queer-friendly mental health options. Hopefully at some point you will be, but this is really something that for me has been better than some of my more "meh" therapists, even. It won't give you A Purpose, but it's a good help to work through periodically (not just once) to clear out stuff that's in the way of that.

In more practical terms, if you don't like being around people IRL but you want more social connections so that you aren't so dependent on your partner for all your social contact, internet friends are a valid option. Like many other things, they will seem like a better plan once you've been doing something CBTish for a bit and you can get to the point where you're responding to things in a way that isn't just looking at them and going bleeeeeeeahhhhhhh.
posted by Sequence at 6:46 AM on August 31, 2015 [5 favorites]


If it's anxiety or scheduling, try online therapy. You can memail me for the specifics, which was a link from another mefite's answer ages ago about therapy, but there are tons of similar options now for Skype therapy. I've done both in-person and Skype therapy and the advantages of cost and flexible scheduling with Skype (I can do a session with no travel time, first thing in the morning, without having to get dressed past a t-shirt) are significant, and in the beginning when I was very very anxious, the distance of Skype was actually helpful because I felt less judged and overwhelmed.

If you don't want to do therapy, what about a life coach? Someone very practical who will systematically take you through options of diet, lifestyle changes etc to figure out what could help you individually?
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 7:24 AM on August 31, 2015


Is there anything I could try, which isn't on the list above?
How about writing? (Note: I haven't gone through what you've experienced.) I find that writing can really clear my head at times and make me feel better. There is something powerful about finding the words to describe something, no matter how big or small. Because they're your words, no one else's. And no one ever has to look at it. Like Neil Gaiman says, “Write your story as it needs to be written. Write it honestly, and tell it as best you can. I'm not sure that there are any other rules. Not ones that matter." and "We owe it to each other [and ourselves] to tell stories."

So try it out. Don't put pressure on yourself to write something brilliant. That's not the point at all. Doesn't have to be in sentences, doesn't have to be left to right on the page. There are no rules. You've done some writing here already - you can continue that (i.e. typing on a screen), or write with a pen on paper (my preference, since that helps me feel more connected to my body). Which reminds me... are you doing anything to feel more connected to your body? How do you feel when you exercise (good, I hope)? How about yoga, tai chi, dance, self-massage? Something to get you more in tune with your body? How about training for something, a 5k (or more)? Or doing meditation? Also when you're exercising and eating, just notice. How are you feeling? How's your heart (not just your organ, but like, the centre of you) feeling? Pay attention to your breath, your blood flowing... How does the food taste and look? What are its tastes, textures, colours like?

And the great thing about writing is that it can be done anywhere. At home, on public transit, in a nice cafe, in a park on a bench (I agree with Jane the Brown's suggestion to get out into some green space).

Maybe your depression will make you think these suggestions are dumb. You say you want your life to be worth living in itself. I think you need to feel more alive. To the point where you can honestly say, "I feel alive. I'm glad to be alive." And "I love myself for who I am." I think that's what I'm trying to get at with these suggestions.
posted by foxjacket at 7:38 AM on August 31, 2015 [1 favorite]


Maybe your depression will make you think these suggestions are dumb.

Yeah, that is definitely a thing that can happen with depression. But the Burns book, Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy has exercises where you try to self-analyze 'fortune teller error'. (I think.) The main method that I remember from when I was struggling with depression is that you predict how much you think you will enjoy an activity, like 2 out of 10, and then afterwards you might see that it was really 4.5 / 10, not as bad as you expected.
posted by puddledork at 8:10 AM on August 31, 2015 [1 favorite]


Yeah frankly, I say all the same things when I'm super, super, one-step-from-suicidal depressed, and they all feel true when I say 'em but they're all actually mostly my brain actively trying to prevent me from feeling better. My depressed brain tells me I don't want to spend time around animals because if I spend like 2 minutes around a dog or a cat I'm gonna feel GREAT, and my depressed brain HATES that. My depressed brain hates animals, hates silly tv shows, hates chocolate and pizza, hates joy, hates sunlight and people, and especially especially hates ME and hates when I'm feeling great. Your depression may vary of course, but it sure sounds like the same flavor from here.

I won't harp on you to see a doc because I actually mostly don't seek professional help for my depression these days. (I used to, with mixed results. When a time rolls around that you feel seeing a doc is possible, you should still probably do that.) Instead what I might suggest is that you spend a month or so telling everything your brain says to fuck off.

BRAIN: "You don't like animals."
YOU: "Fuck off, we're going to the shelter to pet some kitties."
BRAIN: "You are miserable when [partner] isn't in the room."
YOU: "Fuck off, we're just going for a walk and they'll be here when I get back."
BRAIN: "There's nothing too special about sunlight on the fall leaves or a perfect cup of coffee"
YOU: "Fuck off, I'm drinking it anyway. And these leaves are spectacular."
BRAIN: "This hobby isn't going to be enough to keep you happy."
YOU: "Fuck off, I'm doing it anyway."

When I am depressed, my brain also likes to tell me that unless I immediately feel AMAZING, then everything is hopeless and worthless. This is the single most important thing that needs to fuck the fuck off. Turning on all your senses and being in the world, being fully in it, paying mindful heed to the taste of things and the quality of light and the feelings of warmth and cold and the crazy face of a happy puppy won't feel like an epiphany of joy. It'll be more like inching your way into a pool on a hot day, and that is okay. You won't immediately be like "this! this is worth living for!" It's just that at some point you'll probably realize that it's been a long, long time since you wondered what the point of living was.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:26 AM on August 31, 2015 [24 favorites]


First of all you need to get your head straight on actually wanting to do the work on climbing out of your current state. YOUR DEPRESSED BRAIN IS A FILTHY LIAR. You need to start saying YES PLEASE to solutions and stop listing reasons you can't. All of your reasons read as BULLSHIT.

I'm going to call bullshit on you not liking people since you have a partner and you're poly. I would suggest you just haven't found the right people yet. Having a good support structure is critical to you feeling better. If nothing else find a few online friends that are reliable as a first step.

If you don't like or get enjoyment out of little things then focus on big things and big gestures.

I don't really give a shit what the reasoning is on you not going to see your GP. You obviously have one or you wouldn't have said, "my GP" - if you can go in for a cold then you can go in for depression. If you can't afford it then seek out low cost option. If nothing else call your GP to get info on local mental health options.

I sympathize and realize how hard this is. I've had chronic depression with episodes of major depressive disorder for 33 years. It sucked when I finally took steps to work on all my shit. However, the only way out is through.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 9:13 AM on August 31, 2015 [4 favorites]


Take up some sort of artistic skill like drawing, painting, or pottery. Doing so has helped me a lot with my own major depression and chronic pain.
posted by Jacqueline at 1:02 PM on August 31, 2015


One thing that has worked well for me, to the extent that I probably go on about it a bit more than I ought to, is physical fitness, specifically strength training. Nothing will make you a) feel better about yourself and b) be excited to find out what else you are capable of than a regimen of strength training. Going from barely being able to handle an Olympic barbell to more or less throwing around hundreds of pounds of weight is an amazing personal transformation.

It teaches you grit, determination, discipline, and most importantly, self-reliance. You have a schedule and you stick to it and every session you finish, you're a slightly better version of yourself than you were before. The physical changes you feel and see in yourself are astonishing (protip: take some full-body pics of yourself as you are, right now, before you start, then compare them to yourself a year from now for extreme levels of mind-blowingness). Just moving around through the world becomes so much easier that it actually literally opens up new opportunities to you. Not even kidding, for me, personally, I actually notice more things than I used to because my central nervous system and my senses aren't so preoccupied with just moving me around through physical space.

Another great benefit of it is: you can always be better. Don't fall into the trap of comparing yourself to others, just compare yourself to yourself. And comparing yourself to yourself...you can always push for another kilogram on the bar. You can always push for another rep. You can always be striving towards another pull-up.

The excitement you feel when you see how far you've come, and know that you can get so much further...it is seriously addictive. I and many others thoroughly recommend it, to the extent that I've been making tentative steps towards liaising with a few mental health organisations around town about, quite simply, Starting Strength for the Serotonin-Scarce.
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:21 PM on August 31, 2015


Flow by Mihaly C. addressed this question well for me, as did Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning. Here's Mihaly's Ted Talk, for an instant sample.

(And yes - doctor, therapy. Hormones can do weird stuff to you. Exercise. Meditate. Blah blah blah... I'm sure you know all this!)
posted by jrobin276 at 5:35 PM on August 31, 2015


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