Freaking Out About Ending Up Alone
August 3, 2015 7:44 AM Subscribe
Just like the title says. In the aftermath of a relationship, I’m panicking about being resigned to singlehood. As you might expect, snowflakes ahead.
Background: I’m a 32-year-old male, newly out of a relationship—and that probably colors everything that follows. But anyway. I got a late start when it comes to dating and relationships. I went to an all-male high school and I was painfully shy, so I had precious little opportunity for interacting with women. I tried to flip that story when I got to college but either the women I was interested in had boyfriends or I could never bring myself to ask them out. So I was 22 when I had my first date and relationship. Late, but not unheard of.
I’ve had five serious relationships in total since. I’ve never knew how to date casually, nor have I ever been interested in that. I heard a podcast with Dan Savage recently, and he said that it’s human nature to struggle with monogamy. I’ve never felt that way; I think monogamy suits me just fine.
Those relationships have been a combination of meeting through mutual friends someone new I felt some connection with or online dating. So I’m not sure what that means in terms of the whole “You find love when you’re not looking for it” thing. My gut tells me that’s true for some people some of the time. I doubt if meet cutes happen in real life. If they do, I can count on one hand the number of times they’ve happened to me.
My second relationship lasted the longest. The next was a rebound thing that turned into something more. The one after that felt right to the point that I thought I had found someone to settle down with; she fell out of love with me, though. And then most recently, despite our connection, things went south.
I think I’ve always had a chip on my shoulder about getting a late start* with relationships, like I haven’t learned as much about myself and what I do/don’t want as others who have several years’ worth of more experience. But I’ve tried to learn from those relationships, work on myself, better understand what I want in a person and in a relationship.
The thing that worries me is my current circumstance. For the past three years I’ve been enrolled in a humanities PhD in what is to me a rural area. When I went on OkCupid on and off since I moved here, I was disheartened by the small number of people—I’m originally from a metropolitan area, where the possibilities seemed almost limitless—and I didn’t see many people who struck me as a viable match. The program is small, so I was reluctant to date anyone in it. But with my most recent relationship, I did date a fellow grad student—no plans to do that again. Basically, my social circle isn’t really growing, and the opportunities for making it larger are really limited.
I have two more years in this area. I’ll be thirty-four when I finish, with a degree that will hopefully finally get me a job, but of course there’s the whole nomadic life of the academic (assuming I stick with it). And maybe there are new people in my area on the online dating sites. (Of course, when I’m ready to date, and that’s not anytime soon.) And maybe some people won’t care about the physical imperfections that come with age, but man does that stuff do no favors for my self-esteem.
But I want to get married—it’s something I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember. I’ve never felt more alive and fulfilled than when I’m in a romantic relationship. And I want kids, a door that generally remains open for a guy but the whole family thing takes two. (I’m all for adoption, but for me, I want children of my own.) I realize I'm not old, I have time, but when I take into account my romantic history, I don't feel much hope going forward.
My questions, then: Is there hope of a wife and kids at this stage of life (now or two-plus years from now)? If you found your partner after 30, how did you do it? (I know a lot of advice on AskMe comes down to joining activities and meeting people that way, but the things I’m most interested in, unfortunately, are solitary, to say nothing of the issue of time. Let’s say that solution’s already on my radar.)
Sorry for the novelette. Thanks for any suggestions or anecdata you can give.
* I realize people are different and it’s not a race or anything, but when everyone around me is pairing off, I can’t help but feel like an outlier.
Background: I’m a 32-year-old male, newly out of a relationship—and that probably colors everything that follows. But anyway. I got a late start when it comes to dating and relationships. I went to an all-male high school and I was painfully shy, so I had precious little opportunity for interacting with women. I tried to flip that story when I got to college but either the women I was interested in had boyfriends or I could never bring myself to ask them out. So I was 22 when I had my first date and relationship. Late, but not unheard of.
I’ve had five serious relationships in total since. I’ve never knew how to date casually, nor have I ever been interested in that. I heard a podcast with Dan Savage recently, and he said that it’s human nature to struggle with monogamy. I’ve never felt that way; I think monogamy suits me just fine.
Those relationships have been a combination of meeting through mutual friends someone new I felt some connection with or online dating. So I’m not sure what that means in terms of the whole “You find love when you’re not looking for it” thing. My gut tells me that’s true for some people some of the time. I doubt if meet cutes happen in real life. If they do, I can count on one hand the number of times they’ve happened to me.
My second relationship lasted the longest. The next was a rebound thing that turned into something more. The one after that felt right to the point that I thought I had found someone to settle down with; she fell out of love with me, though. And then most recently, despite our connection, things went south.
I think I’ve always had a chip on my shoulder about getting a late start* with relationships, like I haven’t learned as much about myself and what I do/don’t want as others who have several years’ worth of more experience. But I’ve tried to learn from those relationships, work on myself, better understand what I want in a person and in a relationship.
The thing that worries me is my current circumstance. For the past three years I’ve been enrolled in a humanities PhD in what is to me a rural area. When I went on OkCupid on and off since I moved here, I was disheartened by the small number of people—I’m originally from a metropolitan area, where the possibilities seemed almost limitless—and I didn’t see many people who struck me as a viable match. The program is small, so I was reluctant to date anyone in it. But with my most recent relationship, I did date a fellow grad student—no plans to do that again. Basically, my social circle isn’t really growing, and the opportunities for making it larger are really limited.
I have two more years in this area. I’ll be thirty-four when I finish, with a degree that will hopefully finally get me a job, but of course there’s the whole nomadic life of the academic (assuming I stick with it). And maybe there are new people in my area on the online dating sites. (Of course, when I’m ready to date, and that’s not anytime soon.) And maybe some people won’t care about the physical imperfections that come with age, but man does that stuff do no favors for my self-esteem.
But I want to get married—it’s something I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember. I’ve never felt more alive and fulfilled than when I’m in a romantic relationship. And I want kids, a door that generally remains open for a guy but the whole family thing takes two. (I’m all for adoption, but for me, I want children of my own.) I realize I'm not old, I have time, but when I take into account my romantic history, I don't feel much hope going forward.
My questions, then: Is there hope of a wife and kids at this stage of life (now or two-plus years from now)? If you found your partner after 30, how did you do it? (I know a lot of advice on AskMe comes down to joining activities and meeting people that way, but the things I’m most interested in, unfortunately, are solitary, to say nothing of the issue of time. Let’s say that solution’s already on my radar.)
Sorry for the novelette. Thanks for any suggestions or anecdata you can give.
* I realize people are different and it’s not a race or anything, but when everyone around me is pairing off, I can’t help but feel like an outlier.
You won't be there forever. You're certainly not old, and though hitting your 30s tends to make a lot of people panic, you have plenty of time to find someone to settle down with.
I was perpetually single until I hit 43, and wasn't looking at all when the perfect guy just showed up at a show I was stage managing. We have been together ever since, so you never know!
posted by xingcat at 8:04 AM on August 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
I was perpetually single until I hit 43, and wasn't looking at all when the perfect guy just showed up at a show I was stage managing. We have been together ever since, so you never know!
posted by xingcat at 8:04 AM on August 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
Yes, there is totally hope for a wife and kids two-plus years from now. Fear not! Men in their mid-thirties who are looking for a serious relationship are in very high demand with women in their mid-thirties who are worried they're running out of time to have a family.
I just also want to reassure you that the way you feel and your dating history are SUPER NORMAL. To the point of being INCREDIBLY BORING. I was an even later bloomer than you. I am in a very happy relationship now - not married, but we live together and we talk about what we're doing next year, and in five years, and how we want our retirement to look. I was 35 when we met (in an intensive work/school kind of setting).
I am also not very good at casual dating - it feels like a lot of work for very little reward, and I need to spend a lot of time with someone before I can figure out if I really like them. And for a few years before I met my guy I was living in a semi-rural, academic-y kind of area where the pickins' were very slim. Here's the weird thing, though: he was also living in that area. We saw each other on OKCupid but I never connected with him because I was just so exhausted by the whole online dating thing. I don't know what would have happened if we had gone on a date when we were where we were before. Did I miss out on two more years of knowing this awesome guy? Or were we not ready for each other yet and we wouldn't have liked that version of each other? Sorry, no moral to this part of the story.
I was also much happier single, though, than it sounds like you are, and I believe that a lot of that "learning about myself and what I do/don’t want" can actually happen *outside* of a romantic relationship. So, if you're going to take a break from dating for a while, try and just be awesome on your own, and think about what you want your life to be like and what kind of person you want to share it with.
posted by mskyle at 8:24 AM on August 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
I just also want to reassure you that the way you feel and your dating history are SUPER NORMAL. To the point of being INCREDIBLY BORING. I was an even later bloomer than you. I am in a very happy relationship now - not married, but we live together and we talk about what we're doing next year, and in five years, and how we want our retirement to look. I was 35 when we met (in an intensive work/school kind of setting).
I am also not very good at casual dating - it feels like a lot of work for very little reward, and I need to spend a lot of time with someone before I can figure out if I really like them. And for a few years before I met my guy I was living in a semi-rural, academic-y kind of area where the pickins' were very slim. Here's the weird thing, though: he was also living in that area. We saw each other on OKCupid but I never connected with him because I was just so exhausted by the whole online dating thing. I don't know what would have happened if we had gone on a date when we were where we were before. Did I miss out on two more years of knowing this awesome guy? Or were we not ready for each other yet and we wouldn't have liked that version of each other? Sorry, no moral to this part of the story.
I was also much happier single, though, than it sounds like you are, and I believe that a lot of that "learning about myself and what I do/don’t want" can actually happen *outside* of a romantic relationship. So, if you're going to take a break from dating for a while, try and just be awesome on your own, and think about what you want your life to be like and what kind of person you want to share it with.
posted by mskyle at 8:24 AM on August 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
I would spend the next two years doing everything you can to facilitate a job search in a metropolitan area -- sounds like you're more comfortable in that setting anyway, and certainly dating prospects will be easier just in a numbers sense. I'm sure you know as well as I do that the job market for academic jobs for humanities PhDs is pretty dismal. I do think the life of an itinerant adjunct will make starting a new relationship tough (as well as making life in general tough). So be figuring out what your Plan B, C, and D are now, while you still have time in your program to position yourself well for both academic jobs and non-academic jobs. If you haven't checked out The Professor Is In, do it now! Invest in networking with folks in a variety of careers, and figure out what skills you can add to your portfolio while you're still in school that will make you marketable beyond the academic market.
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:32 AM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:32 AM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
I should have added -- entirely apart from the "getting a humanities PhD in a rural area" piece that I focused my earlier answer on, I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of in the relationship department! You seem pretty hung up on your "late" start, but to me five serious relationships is actually a LOT. I'm currently about your age and recently got married -- I was in two serious relationships, and just one live-in relationship, before my current one. My spouse, a few years older than me, was only in one serious relationship before me. This is just to say that from your description, it sounds like you have plenty of experience with relationships and there isn't necessarily a shortage of people out there in the world who consider you "relationship material." You just haven't found the one that's stuck, yet.
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:36 AM on August 3, 2015
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:36 AM on August 3, 2015
My dad was 38 when he married my mom. It was a first marriage for both of them and lasted until his death at age 81.
Some things that he had going on:
1) He was very handsome. There, I said it. And he married a woman who was 15 years younger than him and was a former beauty queen. The take away- look for someone in your own personal lovely range.
2) He was good to his mother and had bought her a house that he lived in with her, until the marriage. Take away- be kind and responsible
3) He had a financial plan that allowed him to build a house next to his mom's (he already owned the land) and had it finished before the wedding. Take away- be a good provider
4) He was very active in his community. He volunteered for everything, including fire and rescue. He was a hero. Take away- find activities that make you proud to be a man.
5) During the first year of their marriage, they fostered some of my cousins. Take away- be open to parenting any child that comes your way.
Don't rule out single moms, by the way. There are so many fatherless children who would love you as if they were your very own.
You will find someone. The important thing is to wait until you love yourself so that the person who chooses you is choosing the best version of you. You get a better quality of mate that way.
posted by myselfasme at 8:36 AM on August 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
Some things that he had going on:
1) He was very handsome. There, I said it. And he married a woman who was 15 years younger than him and was a former beauty queen. The take away- look for someone in your own personal lovely range.
2) He was good to his mother and had bought her a house that he lived in with her, until the marriage. Take away- be kind and responsible
3) He had a financial plan that allowed him to build a house next to his mom's (he already owned the land) and had it finished before the wedding. Take away- be a good provider
4) He was very active in his community. He volunteered for everything, including fire and rescue. He was a hero. Take away- find activities that make you proud to be a man.
5) During the first year of their marriage, they fostered some of my cousins. Take away- be open to parenting any child that comes your way.
Don't rule out single moms, by the way. There are so many fatherless children who would love you as if they were your very own.
You will find someone. The important thing is to wait until you love yourself so that the person who chooses you is choosing the best version of you. You get a better quality of mate that way.
posted by myselfasme at 8:36 AM on August 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
You really don't have markedly less experience than most people, you know. Someone who started dating at 13 may technically have 9 years more experience than you, but guess what--the dating experience you get at 13 has literally nothing to do with how you date as an adult. If anything, most people spend their 20s unlearning the terrible, stupid, sexist, fear-and-ignorance-based idiot things they learned to do while dating in high school and college.
So you can brush that chip off your shoulder; it does you no service and is rooted in false belief.
I’ll be thirty-four when I finish, . . . (Of course, when I’m ready to date, and that’s not anytime soon.) And maybe some people won’t care about the physical imperfections that come with age, but man does that stuff do no favors for my self-esteem.
I'm unclear what these imperfections are, honestly. What exactly do you think happens to people in their 30s??
I myself am in my 30s, dating a man I met while he and I were both in our 30s, and here we are, bein' all in our 30s and doing the dating thing. Neither of us has transformed into a hideous wretch, ravaged by time, at the ancient age of 36. We both look basically the same as when we met except that I suppose we have both gotten slightly rounder in places. (Roundness directly attributable to being in the relationship, btw.) I mean, think about it--are you physically perfect NOW? Were you physically perfect for each of your last relationships? I mean, probably not, right? Probably you're an averagely-attractive person, like most folks, right? And all of your previous girlfriends were fine with that. So if you take basic care of your health and skin, rest assured that your appearance is likely to remain pretty stable for the next 10 years. Unless you are exceptionally unforgiving of women's appearances, or dating exclusively supermodels, this seems like an unfounded anxiety.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:44 AM on August 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
So you can brush that chip off your shoulder; it does you no service and is rooted in false belief.
I’ll be thirty-four when I finish, . . . (Of course, when I’m ready to date, and that’s not anytime soon.) And maybe some people won’t care about the physical imperfections that come with age, but man does that stuff do no favors for my self-esteem.
I'm unclear what these imperfections are, honestly. What exactly do you think happens to people in their 30s??
I myself am in my 30s, dating a man I met while he and I were both in our 30s, and here we are, bein' all in our 30s and doing the dating thing. Neither of us has transformed into a hideous wretch, ravaged by time, at the ancient age of 36. We both look basically the same as when we met except that I suppose we have both gotten slightly rounder in places. (Roundness directly attributable to being in the relationship, btw.) I mean, think about it--are you physically perfect NOW? Were you physically perfect for each of your last relationships? I mean, probably not, right? Probably you're an averagely-attractive person, like most folks, right? And all of your previous girlfriends were fine with that. So if you take basic care of your health and skin, rest assured that your appearance is likely to remain pretty stable for the next 10 years. Unless you are exceptionally unforgiving of women's appearances, or dating exclusively supermodels, this seems like an unfounded anxiety.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:44 AM on August 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
I can wholeheartedly empathize with how you're feeling-- right down to the humanities PhD. I was also enrolled in such a program and felt my options were limited, that time was ticking away, and I was moving further and further away from something I wanted more than anything. My timeline was a bit earlier than yours (I'm female so the fretting about biological clock hit me at about 28, which I now see as a bit silly... but hey, it's how I felt), and I was also not all that happy with where I was living, which may not be the case with you.
Of course I read your question and all I can think is "of course you have time! you have lots of time! please don't worry!" But I had loads of people tell me the same thing when I felt like you did, and that did diddly squat for me.
So, first some consolation, and then a suggestion. You have loads of time, and you seem to have a lot of relationship/dating experience! I'm currently dating someone who had one serious relationship prior to ours, and he is FAR more empathetic/mature/just-all-around amazing in our relationship than dudes I've dated who had a ton of exes. Numbers mean nothing, you sound like a very sincere, empathetic, and thoughtful person, which puts you light-years ahead of A LOT of people in the relationship success department. You have absolutely nothing to worry about, i.e., your dating history. Nothing.
Suggestion that may not be viable, but I have to put it out there because it worked for me: Is it all possible to move to a more metropolitan area in the vicinity while you're in the thesis-writing stage of your PhD? Could you adjunct at a different university outside your rural town?
When I hit the thesis-writing stage, I ended up deciding to move to a city where I had some friends while I wrote (so the last year and a half). I would hole myself up during the day and work, and then made plans with my girlfriends on the weekend and set up some online dates. The benefit of being in a city where I already knew people was that I could not only date within a wider pool, but I could always rely on my friends to be social with so I wasn't simply piling up dates for the social gains. Within a year I developed a much more positive outlook about my future, things didn't look so dismal, and this was a mix of being in a city I enjoyed, surrounding myself with people I love, and meeting new dudes. Again, this might not be a viable option for you, but if it is, I'd go for it.
All in all, you have tons of time, men in their mid-late thirties are hot, and if they're looking for a serious commitment, have a bevy of options. As clichéd as it sounds, this really is a fantastic time for you to look around and take inventory of what you want out of a relationship and your life. You have so much time on your hands, you're laughing.
posted by hollypolly at 8:53 AM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Of course I read your question and all I can think is "of course you have time! you have lots of time! please don't worry!" But I had loads of people tell me the same thing when I felt like you did, and that did diddly squat for me.
So, first some consolation, and then a suggestion. You have loads of time, and you seem to have a lot of relationship/dating experience! I'm currently dating someone who had one serious relationship prior to ours, and he is FAR more empathetic/mature/just-all-around amazing in our relationship than dudes I've dated who had a ton of exes. Numbers mean nothing, you sound like a very sincere, empathetic, and thoughtful person, which puts you light-years ahead of A LOT of people in the relationship success department. You have absolutely nothing to worry about, i.e., your dating history. Nothing.
Suggestion that may not be viable, but I have to put it out there because it worked for me: Is it all possible to move to a more metropolitan area in the vicinity while you're in the thesis-writing stage of your PhD? Could you adjunct at a different university outside your rural town?
When I hit the thesis-writing stage, I ended up deciding to move to a city where I had some friends while I wrote (so the last year and a half). I would hole myself up during the day and work, and then made plans with my girlfriends on the weekend and set up some online dates. The benefit of being in a city where I already knew people was that I could not only date within a wider pool, but I could always rely on my friends to be social with so I wasn't simply piling up dates for the social gains. Within a year I developed a much more positive outlook about my future, things didn't look so dismal, and this was a mix of being in a city I enjoyed, surrounding myself with people I love, and meeting new dudes. Again, this might not be a viable option for you, but if it is, I'd go for it.
All in all, you have tons of time, men in their mid-late thirties are hot, and if they're looking for a serious commitment, have a bevy of options. As clichéd as it sounds, this really is a fantastic time for you to look around and take inventory of what you want out of a relationship and your life. You have so much time on your hands, you're laughing.
posted by hollypolly at 8:53 AM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
My sister met her now-husband at work - she was in the catering office, and he worked at the banquets. My brother met his now-wife online.
All of them were older than 30.
posted by Ms Vegetable at 9:11 AM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
All of them were older than 30.
posted by Ms Vegetable at 9:11 AM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Is there hope of a wife and kids at this stage of life (now or two-plus years from now)?
Yes, most people in my circle met their partner after 30. In one case, after 40.
If you found your partner after 30, how did you do it?
Most of the over-30-partnered people I know met online.
I understand being worried, but instead of freaking out, perhaps use this as an opportunity to simply accept that you really want a partner. You really want a family. This is good information to have about yourself. Your fear is about potentially not getting what you want, but you could also use that information to take practical steps that will allow you to be in a position to ready for a serious relationship whenever you do end up meeting the right person. Do some personal work, maybe explore therapy, get your finances together if that's a concern, read about relationships, think about what kind of a partner you want to be, what kind of a parent you want to be.
posted by Gray Skies at 9:26 AM on August 3, 2015
Yes, most people in my circle met their partner after 30. In one case, after 40.
If you found your partner after 30, how did you do it?
Most of the over-30-partnered people I know met online.
I understand being worried, but instead of freaking out, perhaps use this as an opportunity to simply accept that you really want a partner. You really want a family. This is good information to have about yourself. Your fear is about potentially not getting what you want, but you could also use that information to take practical steps that will allow you to be in a position to ready for a serious relationship whenever you do end up meeting the right person. Do some personal work, maybe explore therapy, get your finances together if that's a concern, read about relationships, think about what kind of a partner you want to be, what kind of a parent you want to be.
posted by Gray Skies at 9:26 AM on August 3, 2015
I want to chime in to confirm that at least in my experience, your dating history is very, very normal and nothing you should feel insecure about. I feel like TV and movies give people a sense that everyone around them is constantly dating and in relationships and it is abnormal to reach your 20s with little relationship experience but a substantial percentage of people I know, especially people on academic career tracks and other tracks that require such significant investment (like med school, law school) were romantic late-bloomers, many of them, later than you. And someone who has had relationships in their teens does not, from my perspective, have much of a leg up on you, emotionally or developmentally. I think you have a great chance of finding what you desire.
posted by armadillo1224 at 10:08 AM on August 3, 2015
posted by armadillo1224 at 10:08 AM on August 3, 2015
There's plenty of hope for you! Just about all of my local friends met their partners after age 30. I was almost 36 when I met my significant other via match (I tried OK cupid but found that the dating pool in my area was more into casual hookups). I had my daughter when I was 38.
If you meet the right person, things can happen pretty dang fast. When I realized I was serious about finding someone for the long haul, I put it out there that I wanted a family. Maybe not in the first five minutes of meeting people, but pretty soon after! It helps to make your intentions clear, up front.
posted by medeine at 1:24 PM on August 3, 2015
If you meet the right person, things can happen pretty dang fast. When I realized I was serious about finding someone for the long haul, I put it out there that I wanted a family. Maybe not in the first five minutes of meeting people, but pretty soon after! It helps to make your intentions clear, up front.
posted by medeine at 1:24 PM on August 3, 2015
Yeah 32 is a prime age to be a single hetero dude in the dating market, both for het women in their 30s, and het women in their 20s who are sick of the immature jerks most men in their 20s are (yeah yeah #notallmen but like #manymen). I met my husband when he was 32/33!
The absolute best advice I can offer is just to Be Kind (/not manipulative). Seriously. Works wonders with the ladies.
posted by likeatoaster at 2:47 PM on August 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
The absolute best advice I can offer is just to Be Kind (/not manipulative). Seriously. Works wonders with the ladies.
posted by likeatoaster at 2:47 PM on August 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
I met my husband at the ripe old age of 32. The year before, I went through a spectacular breakup with the guy who I was engaged to. I had invested a lot of time and energy into that relationship and was very sure that at 32 I was past my sell by date and that no one else would want me. I realize how ridiculous that sounds, but grief plays funny tricks on the mind, and dying alone in a house full of cats seemed like a very real thing to me. I, too, lived in a semi-rural area.
I resolved to get used to the idea of a cat eating my face after I died in my apartment since no one was going to discover my old, crone-y spinster self after I passed. I decided take it for granted that lifetime singledom was what's up and see what it was like to just live my life for a bit. Also, I was starting a PhD program and couldn't imagine the stress that would come with the drama of a breakup (because, in my world, all relationships ended) during, so why even try dating? I rented a little, airy apartment. I danced to David Bowie in my underwear. I rode my bike around a lot. No one cared if I ate peanut butter from the jar. Life as a forever aloner, as it turns out, was not too bad.
I went to a bike race one Sunday and saw a guy wearing body paint and cheering on the other racers. It was one of the dorkiest, funniest, awesomest things that I had ever seen. I said hey and we became friends, riding bikes and just hanging out. The more that I got to know him, the more amazing he seemed. He still continues to blow my mind with awesomeness every day that we're together. We got married when I was an ancient 36.
I couldn't have planned on meeting him. It was all completely unexpected. The only tip that I could give would be to do stuff and keep your eyes open for the interesting folks. We have friends who met through cave diving, as it's a small community. Our semi-rural area has some awesome outdoorsy stuff. It seems like sport-esque stuff like hiking and mountain biking is what connects people here. What do people do to goof around in your town?
Also, life is long. What if you meet your future partner at 40? Would that be okay? Since you can't predict or change things, could you decide to let go and enjoy the intervening 10 years?
posted by batbat at 3:12 PM on August 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
I resolved to get used to the idea of a cat eating my face after I died in my apartment since no one was going to discover my old, crone-y spinster self after I passed. I decided take it for granted that lifetime singledom was what's up and see what it was like to just live my life for a bit. Also, I was starting a PhD program and couldn't imagine the stress that would come with the drama of a breakup (because, in my world, all relationships ended) during, so why even try dating? I rented a little, airy apartment. I danced to David Bowie in my underwear. I rode my bike around a lot. No one cared if I ate peanut butter from the jar. Life as a forever aloner, as it turns out, was not too bad.
I went to a bike race one Sunday and saw a guy wearing body paint and cheering on the other racers. It was one of the dorkiest, funniest, awesomest things that I had ever seen. I said hey and we became friends, riding bikes and just hanging out. The more that I got to know him, the more amazing he seemed. He still continues to blow my mind with awesomeness every day that we're together. We got married when I was an ancient 36.
I couldn't have planned on meeting him. It was all completely unexpected. The only tip that I could give would be to do stuff and keep your eyes open for the interesting folks. We have friends who met through cave diving, as it's a small community. Our semi-rural area has some awesome outdoorsy stuff. It seems like sport-esque stuff like hiking and mountain biking is what connects people here. What do people do to goof around in your town?
Also, life is long. What if you meet your future partner at 40? Would that be okay? Since you can't predict or change things, could you decide to let go and enjoy the intervening 10 years?
posted by batbat at 3:12 PM on August 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
You have very good odds of finding someone compared to well...if you were a woman in the same circumstances. If you're even halfway sane and supporting yourself and want a wife and kids, you are high demand! I suspect in your case that finding better dates may need to wait until your next career move, though. I've always suspected that it has to be hard to find someone to "settle down" with when you yourself are not settled down, and you primarily meet other academics with the same problem. And living in the sticks right now doesn't help either.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:08 PM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:08 PM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Perspective from a formerly-single 30-something woman with a doctorate:
* Your newly single situation is definitely coloring your current view of the world. As someone who has dated a lot in the past, and who found the most amazing boyfriend when he was 33... you're a catch, at least from what I can tell by what you've written. You're young (yes, 32 is young for a male - even females although unfortunately not everyone sees it this way), you're highly educated, you communicate well, and if you've been in relationships before I'll assume you're not hideously deformed in any way :)
* As someone said upthread, look for a job in a metropolitan area. I suspect your options at that point will be much increased, and your biggest problem might be weeding through the less desirable options to find someone suitable.
* My boyfriend and I were absolutely not looking to be in relationships when we met. It just... happened. We met at a bar. He came over, said hi, we spent the rest of the night talking, he asked me out on a few dates... and here we are, expecting our first baby in six months (yay!)
* When I met my boyfriend, I had come out of a horribly draining relationship of four years, and had dated a string of absolutely unremarkable dudes (perhaps some of them were remarkable for how badly they treated me, or said I was too smart, or said I was too independent, yadda yadda). Trust me, I thought I'd be crazy cat lady for the rest of my life.
Take-home - these things happen when you least expect it. Take this time to focus on your work and yourself. I'd always been a relationship person... to my detriment. I'd force something just because I was deathly afraid to be alone. My current relationship? I didn't look for it. I didn't push it. It just happened, and it's just so easy.
You're gonna be fine, even if it doesn't look that way right now. Chin up!
posted by Everydayville at 4:09 PM on August 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
* Your newly single situation is definitely coloring your current view of the world. As someone who has dated a lot in the past, and who found the most amazing boyfriend when he was 33... you're a catch, at least from what I can tell by what you've written. You're young (yes, 32 is young for a male - even females although unfortunately not everyone sees it this way), you're highly educated, you communicate well, and if you've been in relationships before I'll assume you're not hideously deformed in any way :)
* As someone said upthread, look for a job in a metropolitan area. I suspect your options at that point will be much increased, and your biggest problem might be weeding through the less desirable options to find someone suitable.
* My boyfriend and I were absolutely not looking to be in relationships when we met. It just... happened. We met at a bar. He came over, said hi, we spent the rest of the night talking, he asked me out on a few dates... and here we are, expecting our first baby in six months (yay!)
* When I met my boyfriend, I had come out of a horribly draining relationship of four years, and had dated a string of absolutely unremarkable dudes (perhaps some of them were remarkable for how badly they treated me, or said I was too smart, or said I was too independent, yadda yadda). Trust me, I thought I'd be crazy cat lady for the rest of my life.
Take-home - these things happen when you least expect it. Take this time to focus on your work and yourself. I'd always been a relationship person... to my detriment. I'd force something just because I was deathly afraid to be alone. My current relationship? I didn't look for it. I didn't push it. It just happened, and it's just so easy.
You're gonna be fine, even if it doesn't look that way right now. Chin up!
posted by Everydayville at 4:09 PM on August 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
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And for what it's worth -- these look like really stable, happy relationships that have benefited from the maturity that came with the waiting -- at least to this outside observer who was married and having kids in grad school (and who is now divorced).
You might find this thread over at the Chronicle of Higher Education useful, too.
posted by pinkacademic at 8:01 AM on August 3, 2015 [4 favorites]