Too late to back out of staying in a pricey room for a wedding?
July 16, 2015 4:42 AM Subscribe
I'm a bridesmaid in a wedding this summer which will take place 30 minutes from my house. The facility has cabins which guests are invited to stay in. Awhile ago the bride told me that she is paying for the wedding party to stay overnight. She asked if my boyfriend would be staying overnight and I said yes, assuming that he would be covered too. I just got an email pay-pal request from her for $80 for my boyfriend's share.
We are both on tight budgets. Knowing that he has to pay, we would really rather he go home after the reception as it's only 30 minutes away. Do you think it would really screw them over / mess up their plans (meaning - paying the facility) if I told her that he'd actually be staying at home? I can't get a sense of whether this is appropriate or too last minute. The wedding is at the end of August.
We are both on tight budgets. Knowing that he has to pay, we would really rather he go home after the reception as it's only 30 minutes away. Do you think it would really screw them over / mess up their plans (meaning - paying the facility) if I told her that he'd actually be staying at home? I can't get a sense of whether this is appropriate or too last minute. The wedding is at the end of August.
Best answer: Tell her ASAP, "Oh, I'm sorry. We didn't realize that he'd have to pay. We're on a tight budget, so he'll just go home afterward instead. I'm sorry if this screws up any plans."
(Yeah, this is uncool on her part. But she's under a lot of (self-imposed) stress, so act like it's your fault.)
posted by Etrigan at 5:06 AM on July 16, 2015 [45 favorites]
(Yeah, this is uncool on her part. But she's under a lot of (self-imposed) stress, so act like it's your fault.)
posted by Etrigan at 5:06 AM on July 16, 2015 [45 favorites]
I think you should email her and ask - mostly just to give her a chance to be gracious.
I'd say:
Dear Friend,
Thanks for the email about boyfriend's room! We hadn't realized quite how much the room was, and I think all things being equal, he'd probably just head home. Is it too late to change the reservation? If it is he'll just stay, but I thought I'd check.
So excited for the big day!
pintapicasso
Now in reality, there probably isn't really a change in the reservation because he is or isn't staying, but pretending that there might be gives you a little cover to ask indirectly, and for her to say that it's no problem.
posted by mercredi at 5:09 AM on July 16, 2015 [15 favorites]
I'd say:
Dear Friend,
Thanks for the email about boyfriend's room! We hadn't realized quite how much the room was, and I think all things being equal, he'd probably just head home. Is it too late to change the reservation? If it is he'll just stay, but I thought I'd check.
So excited for the big day!
pintapicasso
Now in reality, there probably isn't really a change in the reservation because he is or isn't staying, but pretending that there might be gives you a little cover to ask indirectly, and for her to say that it's no problem.
posted by mercredi at 5:09 AM on July 16, 2015 [15 favorites]
Your question implies that if you were staying in a cabin by yourself, she would cover the entire $160 cost, but since you're sharing it, she will only cover half. That doesn't make any sense, and I think you'd be absolutely correct to just stay at home.
posted by deadweightloss at 5:23 AM on July 16, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by deadweightloss at 5:23 AM on July 16, 2015 [7 favorites]
"Hey, he hadn't planned on using the cabins as he lives so close by."
Boom, done.
posted by oceanjesse at 5:24 AM on July 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
Boom, done.
posted by oceanjesse at 5:24 AM on July 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I agree that it is a questionable move to ask you for $80 like this. BUT - is this a cabin that you and your BF can share? I understand driving home if it's only 30 minutes away, but - given that the cabin is not a complete pit - $80 is not bad for a room these days, and you might prefer lurching back to your cabin together at 3am.
Also, and maybe this is just me: waking up at 7am and finding coffee and breakfast the "morning after" with other members of the party can be a fun part of the entire experience.
Not trying to second guess you - just, you might get a lot out of the $80.
posted by doctor tough love at 5:32 AM on July 16, 2015 [35 favorites]
Also, and maybe this is just me: waking up at 7am and finding coffee and breakfast the "morning after" with other members of the party can be a fun part of the entire experience.
Not trying to second guess you - just, you might get a lot out of the $80.
posted by doctor tough love at 5:32 AM on July 16, 2015 [35 favorites]
Wedding have become such pitfalls for insulting people over money stuff! And believe me, the bride is the one here who was doing the insulting. Brides/grooms shouldn't make generous offers around which people make expensive plans if those offers come with undisclosed financial caveats.
In your case, either the bridal party and their overnight guest should covered to use the cabins overnight, or the extra charge for plus ones should have been explained up front, or no one should be covered. I would tell her you "misunderstood" the offer (even though you misunderstood nothing) and tell her it won't be possible for you to pay the $80. You can offer for him to go home, or if it makes it easier for her to reassign the cabin to another guest or to get her money back for it entirely, you can go home with the boyfriend.
posted by cecic at 6:06 AM on July 16, 2015 [6 favorites]
In your case, either the bridal party and their overnight guest should covered to use the cabins overnight, or the extra charge for plus ones should have been explained up front, or no one should be covered. I would tell her you "misunderstood" the offer (even though you misunderstood nothing) and tell her it won't be possible for you to pay the $80. You can offer for him to go home, or if it makes it easier for her to reassign the cabin to another guest or to get her money back for it entirely, you can go home with the boyfriend.
posted by cecic at 6:06 AM on July 16, 2015 [6 favorites]
This has happened to me twice and my plus-one always had to pay. Your boyfriend is not part of the wedding party, as mine wasn't. I think it was odd of her to not mention the money to you upfront, but not out of they way for her to request he pay the $80.
In any case, I don't think it's too late to back out. Someone else might even be wait-listed and hoping for the block rate at the cabins.
posted by kimberussell at 6:22 AM on July 16, 2015 [9 favorites]
In any case, I don't think it's too late to back out. Someone else might even be wait-listed and hoping for the block rate at the cabins.
posted by kimberussell at 6:22 AM on July 16, 2015 [9 favorites]
So, if you had said from the outset that your boyfriend was not staying, what would have happened? Would they have paid for you to share a cabin with someone else in the wedding party?
If so, then yeah, I can see why they would ask your boyfriend to pay. Although that should have been up front.
But, if they would have paid for you to have a cabin alone, and with your boyfriend along they are asking him to chip in? That's a bit cheap and ungracious. I'd tell them he wasn't coming and see what happens.
posted by gaspode at 6:55 AM on July 16, 2015
If so, then yeah, I can see why they would ask your boyfriend to pay. Although that should have been up front.
But, if they would have paid for you to have a cabin alone, and with your boyfriend along they are asking him to chip in? That's a bit cheap and ungracious. I'd tell them he wasn't coming and see what happens.
posted by gaspode at 6:55 AM on July 16, 2015
I think it depends on how the cabins were assigned.
Were you supposed to stay in a cabin with another member of the bridal party? If your boyfriend comes, will you be staying in another cabin instead, with just him? Then yeah, I can see why she wasn't expecting to pay for an entire additional cabin for the two of you. I personally would have covered that additional expense if it was my wedding, but it's definitely not unreasonable for her to ask you to cover the difference between you sharing a cabin with another bridesmaid and having your own cabin.
But if you were already assigned to a room on your own, and room assignments/organization doesn't change as a result of him staying, then yes - it's a bit weird to ask him to cover half the amount.
I'd try to check in with her, but $80 for a cabin for the two of you isn't a terrible deal. It would allow the two of you to hang out, have some drinks, ramble back to the cabin late at night, and stay up chatting by a fire or poolside with some cake and other friends. Then in the morning, you can wander out and find the brunch. It's much easier than driving back and forth the whole weekend.
posted by barnone at 7:14 AM on July 16, 2015 [9 favorites]
Were you supposed to stay in a cabin with another member of the bridal party? If your boyfriend comes, will you be staying in another cabin instead, with just him? Then yeah, I can see why she wasn't expecting to pay for an entire additional cabin for the two of you. I personally would have covered that additional expense if it was my wedding, but it's definitely not unreasonable for her to ask you to cover the difference between you sharing a cabin with another bridesmaid and having your own cabin.
But if you were already assigned to a room on your own, and room assignments/organization doesn't change as a result of him staying, then yes - it's a bit weird to ask him to cover half the amount.
I'd try to check in with her, but $80 for a cabin for the two of you isn't a terrible deal. It would allow the two of you to hang out, have some drinks, ramble back to the cabin late at night, and stay up chatting by a fire or poolside with some cake and other friends. Then in the morning, you can wander out and find the brunch. It's much easier than driving back and forth the whole weekend.
posted by barnone at 7:14 AM on July 16, 2015 [9 favorites]
Here's your script. "Bride, I know I said that boyfriend was going to stay overnight at the cabin, but I wasn't expecting the room charge to be $80. It's a bit more than we can handle right now. Is there a way to reshuffle the room assignments so that he gives up his slot and nobody's out any money? If not, I understand and we'll make do."
This way, you have asked politely, you have given the bride an out, and you have left yourself open to the idea that $80 for the two of you in a romantic rustic cabin with your dear friends in the morning is still within bounds.
posted by Liesl at 7:38 AM on July 16, 2015 [14 favorites]
This way, you have asked politely, you have given the bride an out, and you have left yourself open to the idea that $80 for the two of you in a romantic rustic cabin with your dear friends in the morning is still within bounds.
posted by Liesl at 7:38 AM on July 16, 2015 [14 favorites]
Call her and ask. It's a reasonable request. Something like "Hi friend, I got your email about the $80 hotel room. I didn't realize there would be an extra charge for boyfriend to stay. The place sounds lovely, but we can't afford the expense and will need to go home for the nigh. We can come back the next day, if you wish. I hope it will be OK to cancel our rooms at this point--please let me know either way. Sorry to add to your list of to-dos! We are both really excited about celebrating with you on the big day."
posted by tk at 7:53 AM on July 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by tk at 7:53 AM on July 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
Agree with many of the answers above.... Just offering a different perspective here, as someone who is DEEP in wedding planning mode.
I know you mention you are on a tight budget, but gosh darn it Weddings are expensive.... even when you try to do it cheaply, so I know you're on a tight budget, but so is the Bride probably.
If she told you she was paying for the "wedding party" to stay in the cabin, she may have thought she was explicit with her language and even though you assumed your boyfriend would be covered (Makes perfect sense to me)... that still was an "assumption".
No hard feelings needed here, just a little more communication!
posted by JenThePro at 8:19 AM on July 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
I know you mention you are on a tight budget, but gosh darn it Weddings are expensive.... even when you try to do it cheaply, so I know you're on a tight budget, but so is the Bride probably.
If she told you she was paying for the "wedding party" to stay in the cabin, she may have thought she was explicit with her language and even though you assumed your boyfriend would be covered (Makes perfect sense to me)... that still was an "assumption".
No hard feelings needed here, just a little more communication!
posted by JenThePro at 8:19 AM on July 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Do you and your boyfriend have shared finances (i.e., are you living together)? If not - can you and he each pony up $40 apiece? That way, the financial hit on each of you is smaller, the bride gets her $80, and everyone's happy.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:52 AM on July 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:52 AM on July 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
It's an unfortunate miscommunication (she really should have mentioned what the cost would be, even approximately, when she asked if your boyfriend would be staying; and on the other hand you shouldn't have assumed), but it's likely not too late for the bride to re-arrange the booking if you and your boyfriend can't afford it. There will be some guest who's paying for a more expensive room that will want to move into a room or a bed.
Call her ASAP.
posted by muddgirl at 9:08 AM on July 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
Call her ASAP.
posted by muddgirl at 9:08 AM on July 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
Ouch, tough choice here.
A) oh, you didn't say anything about PAYING his share...
or
B) tough it out and hold a grudge for the rest of your life.
If there's plenty of time I'd say back out and explain that you had assumed BF would be sharing your room and there would be no additional charge, and try to couch it in a way that is neutral so she doesn't felt put upon but without making it "it's all me and my fault".
Of course, there'a also a part of me that says "well, it's not as if she gets married every year" and just split the $80 with your BF, make sure that you explain to her CLEARLY that you were never informed of this and you are paying "begrudgingly", but in a nice way, so that the bride apologizes and basically owes you a favor that you may call to collect later. :)
posted by kschang at 12:34 PM on July 16, 2015
A) oh, you didn't say anything about PAYING his share...
or
B) tough it out and hold a grudge for the rest of your life.
If there's plenty of time I'd say back out and explain that you had assumed BF would be sharing your room and there would be no additional charge, and try to couch it in a way that is neutral so she doesn't felt put upon but without making it "it's all me and my fault".
Of course, there'a also a part of me that says "well, it's not as if she gets married every year" and just split the $80 with your BF, make sure that you explain to her CLEARLY that you were never informed of this and you are paying "begrudgingly", but in a nice way, so that the bride apologizes and basically owes you a favor that you may call to collect later. :)
posted by kschang at 12:34 PM on July 16, 2015
So, first of all I would reframe this a bit mentally. $80 is absolutely not pricey accomodations. It may be more than you want to pay, but it's really pretty inexpensive. I'm also not really sure why you assumed your friend would be paying for your boyfriend's room when he's not in the wedding party.
In any case, I think it's fine the ask your friend if the deadline has passed for changing reservations (and offer to pay a cancellation fee if it is less than the $80). But if the deadline has passed (probably likely at about a month out), I think you should pay because you're the one who made the incorrect assumption here -- your friend never said "plus ones" were covered, and did give you an out for him attending the overnight portion by asking you about his plans.
That said, feel free to get a less expensive gift to cover at least part of the cost of accomodation. Like, if you were planning to purchase a $100 gift, go for a $50 off the registry instead.
posted by rainbowbrite at 2:04 PM on July 16, 2015
In any case, I think it's fine the ask your friend if the deadline has passed for changing reservations (and offer to pay a cancellation fee if it is less than the $80). But if the deadline has passed (probably likely at about a month out), I think you should pay because you're the one who made the incorrect assumption here -- your friend never said "plus ones" were covered, and did give you an out for him attending the overnight portion by asking you about his plans.
That said, feel free to get a less expensive gift to cover at least part of the cost of accomodation. Like, if you were planning to purchase a $100 gift, go for a $50 off the registry instead.
posted by rainbowbrite at 2:04 PM on July 16, 2015
Response by poster: Thanks, everyone. I talked it over with my boyfriend and he decided that he really wants to stay after all. It's going to be a fun wedding weekend and will be worth $80 so that he can wake up there with everyone.
(Today I got an email from another bridesmaid -she also was surprised to get a PayPal request for her boyfriend and didn't know how to turn it down without upsetting the bride.. I gave her Etrigan's script.)
posted by pintapicasso at 1:34 PM on July 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
(Today I got an email from another bridesmaid -she also was surprised to get a PayPal request for her boyfriend and didn't know how to turn it down without upsetting the bride.. I gave her Etrigan's script.)
posted by pintapicasso at 1:34 PM on July 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
One thing you might consider is that the cabins have single beds. This happened to us at a friend's wedding recently, they told us it was $50 per night, we agreed to take a cabin. We found out when we got there each cabin room had 3 narrow single beds (as in, smaller than a twin), so we couldn't just share a bed in one. Everyone had to have their own bunk. Each room was costing the wedding couple $150 (or, each bunk $50). Unfortunately for them, we had brought $50 cash and another $100 for their gift, we just put all the money together and said that it was the money for our beds plus our gift. If they had been clearer in advance we probably would have just stayed in the nearby hotel which ALSO would have cost us $100 and would have had no mosquitos. Still it was a fun night and I was glad we didn't have to cab it fifteen minutes down the road at the end of the night and then cab it back in the morning to get the car.
posted by SassHat at 12:21 PM on July 23, 2015
posted by SassHat at 12:21 PM on July 23, 2015
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posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:00 AM on July 16, 2015 [6 favorites]