Privacy and Pregnancy
July 14, 2015 12:28 PM Subscribe
I'm a very private person. I'm also pregnant, and starting to show, and having issues with the fact that I can't keep this as private as I normally would something like this. My main question is about when to tell people at work, but I'm also concerned about strangers and just people in general.
I am about 16 weeks pregnant, and definitely starting to show (I'm a very skinny person - it's super obvious to me & my husband when I'm just wearing a tight shirt, probably I would just look a little large-bellied to someone who didn't know me, and I've been able to hide it with clothing so far). Pregnancy is progressing normally/healthily, I'm out of the first trimester sickness-feeling, and I'm definitely headed in the more-pregnant-every-day direction. The people I am close to know and are delighted and we talk about it, but that is a relatively small group, compared to the set of people I interact with on a daily basis.
My biggest issue right now is when to tell people at work. I work at a 100ish person tech startup. There have been quite a few new dads since I've worked here, but no pregnant women. My boss already knows (and is awesome about it) - I'm not worried about work consequences or anything like that, I'm just... pretty private, and telling people feels like a weird invasion of that somehow. There are a few people who will likely figure it out relatively soon (or maybe already have considering my weird first-trimester eating habits), but a large proportion of the people I work with are mid-20s engineer-type guys who honestly will probably just not notice until it's extremely obvious.
But while I could just wait and let people figure it out, having people slowly notice and probably gossip about it feels even worse than the idea of telling everyone and dealing with it that way and having everyone know. Am I just being over sensitive here? Should I just pull off the bandaid and tell everyone? I don't really want to like... talk about it with people, again, just because I'm generally private, but pregnancy always has this "let me ask you intrusive questions and give you unsolicited advice thing." I don't think I want to find out the sex of the baby and at least part of that is I don't want other people to know the details of the genitalia of the thing growing inside me (and knowing and not telling is way too Pregnant Women are Smug for me).
Which also makes me nervous about strangers noticing. I am terrified of strangers on my public-transit commute or elsewhere doing things like the above intrusive questions or tsk-tsking about normal things or - god forbid - touching my stomach - something I've definitely heard of happening. What is the best way to avoid all this?
While I'm very excited about the baby that will come out at the end of this thing, I'm having a lot of trouble (physical and emotional) with this being pregnant thing, and this inability to only have people who I would tell about other major life events know just seems like an extra kick. (Please be assured I'm getting fantastic medical care, including mental health care, but this direct advice about how to deal with people in the workplace and the world is not being well answered).
I am about 16 weeks pregnant, and definitely starting to show (I'm a very skinny person - it's super obvious to me & my husband when I'm just wearing a tight shirt, probably I would just look a little large-bellied to someone who didn't know me, and I've been able to hide it with clothing so far). Pregnancy is progressing normally/healthily, I'm out of the first trimester sickness-feeling, and I'm definitely headed in the more-pregnant-every-day direction. The people I am close to know and are delighted and we talk about it, but that is a relatively small group, compared to the set of people I interact with on a daily basis.
My biggest issue right now is when to tell people at work. I work at a 100ish person tech startup. There have been quite a few new dads since I've worked here, but no pregnant women. My boss already knows (and is awesome about it) - I'm not worried about work consequences or anything like that, I'm just... pretty private, and telling people feels like a weird invasion of that somehow. There are a few people who will likely figure it out relatively soon (or maybe already have considering my weird first-trimester eating habits), but a large proportion of the people I work with are mid-20s engineer-type guys who honestly will probably just not notice until it's extremely obvious.
But while I could just wait and let people figure it out, having people slowly notice and probably gossip about it feels even worse than the idea of telling everyone and dealing with it that way and having everyone know. Am I just being over sensitive here? Should I just pull off the bandaid and tell everyone? I don't really want to like... talk about it with people, again, just because I'm generally private, but pregnancy always has this "let me ask you intrusive questions and give you unsolicited advice thing." I don't think I want to find out the sex of the baby and at least part of that is I don't want other people to know the details of the genitalia of the thing growing inside me (and knowing and not telling is way too Pregnant Women are Smug for me).
Which also makes me nervous about strangers noticing. I am terrified of strangers on my public-transit commute or elsewhere doing things like the above intrusive questions or tsk-tsking about normal things or - god forbid - touching my stomach - something I've definitely heard of happening. What is the best way to avoid all this?
While I'm very excited about the baby that will come out at the end of this thing, I'm having a lot of trouble (physical and emotional) with this being pregnant thing, and this inability to only have people who I would tell about other major life events know just seems like an extra kick. (Please be assured I'm getting fantastic medical care, including mental health care, but this direct advice about how to deal with people in the workplace and the world is not being well answered).
Keep this professional by making it about work, not about your pregnancy. That is - about when you will be taking time off.
So, in about a month or two, send an email to anyone you work with directly inside your company, saying, "Friends, I'm excited to say that I am expecting my first child in mid-December. I will be taking _ months of maternity leave, returning to full-time work in _____. I wanted to let you know as BOSS and I will begin planning for coverage of my responsibilities during this time. I am planning to wrap up everything I can so that there will be as little disruption as possible.
Thanks,
anon"
posted by amaire at 12:45 PM on July 14, 2015 [21 favorites]
So, in about a month or two, send an email to anyone you work with directly inside your company, saying, "Friends, I'm excited to say that I am expecting my first child in mid-December. I will be taking _ months of maternity leave, returning to full-time work in _____. I wanted to let you know as BOSS and I will begin planning for coverage of my responsibilities during this time. I am planning to wrap up everything I can so that there will be as little disruption as possible.
Thanks,
anon"
posted by amaire at 12:45 PM on July 14, 2015 [21 favorites]
is there an all-employees email list at your company? you could send an email out that says, "i would like to announce that i am pregnant. sadly, i am also very busy for the next few days, so while i appreciate your congratulations/advice, if you have any, please email it to me.".
you'll still get comments, but it might deflect it a little.
posted by koroshiya at 12:45 PM on July 14, 2015
you'll still get comments, but it might deflect it a little.
posted by koroshiya at 12:45 PM on July 14, 2015
If you have a more extroverted friend at work, tell them and have them spread it around. Heck sounds like your boss could fill this roll. This is a thing many folks REALLY like to talk about.
You have my sympathy as a private person. My wife and I waited till week 20 to tell people, but that was as long as we could push it as she was obviously pregnant. I'm sorry to say that this is often a pretty public affair. But I doubt it will be as bad as you fear. No one touched my wife's belly without her permission, but a few reached out and she had to be very assertive about it.
The people you know, know you and likely know how private you are. Strangers will depend a bit on location... In the northeastern US no one was forward in public... in the southeastern US a LOT of people were.
posted by French Fry at 12:47 PM on July 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
You have my sympathy as a private person. My wife and I waited till week 20 to tell people, but that was as long as we could push it as she was obviously pregnant. I'm sorry to say that this is often a pretty public affair. But I doubt it will be as bad as you fear. No one touched my wife's belly without her permission, but a few reached out and she had to be very assertive about it.
The people you know, know you and likely know how private you are. Strangers will depend a bit on location... In the northeastern US no one was forward in public... in the southeastern US a LOT of people were.
posted by French Fry at 12:47 PM on July 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
The only person who has to explicitly know at work is your boss, and you already have that covered. For everyone else, put it off as long as projects allow and then announce you will be gone from X to Y for maternity leave. That's it. Do not announce you are pregnant; announce you are taking leave.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:48 PM on July 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by DarlingBri at 12:48 PM on July 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
I am terrified of strangers on my public-transit commute or elsewhere doing things like the above intrusive questions or tsk-tsking about normal things or - god forbid - touching my stomach - something I've definitely heard of happening.
Are you someone who has a problem with strangers bothering you normally, or do strangers generally leave you alone? In my completely unscientific anecdata of myself and friends, the women who get pestered by strangers while pregnant are the same women who get pestered by strangers normally. "Smile!" "Oooh, what'd you bring for lunch today?" "Oh, did you bring enough brownies for everyone?" Do people routinely say this sort of crap to you in your nonpregnant life? If not, or if it's fairly rare, then in my experience you will be similarly safe from idiotic stranger comments during pregnancy. I think some women just look...friendlier? less aloof? less likely to coldly stare you down with a death glare? than other women, and so those friendlier-looking women tend to get this sort of crap more than others. I think pregnancy just changes the type of comments you get, moreso than the frequency.
posted by gatorae at 12:48 PM on July 14, 2015 [6 favorites]
Are you someone who has a problem with strangers bothering you normally, or do strangers generally leave you alone? In my completely unscientific anecdata of myself and friends, the women who get pestered by strangers while pregnant are the same women who get pestered by strangers normally. "Smile!" "Oooh, what'd you bring for lunch today?" "Oh, did you bring enough brownies for everyone?" Do people routinely say this sort of crap to you in your nonpregnant life? If not, or if it's fairly rare, then in my experience you will be similarly safe from idiotic stranger comments during pregnancy. I think some women just look...friendlier? less aloof? less likely to coldly stare you down with a death glare? than other women, and so those friendlier-looking women tend to get this sort of crap more than others. I think pregnancy just changes the type of comments you get, moreso than the frequency.
posted by gatorae at 12:48 PM on July 14, 2015 [6 favorites]
For work, only tell your boss and anyone else you work with directly who would need to know that you won't be around in X months (so they can plan accordingly). This second list is up to you - you can keep it as small as you like - but it's a lot easier to have the conversation up front early than have to spring the news on someone in the context of "I have an unexpected doctor's appointment this afternoon that I can't miss" (which can happen for all sorts of reasons as the trimesters advance).
Everyone else will probably respect your privacy for a lot longer than you think - for most people there's no faux pas more horrifying than asking someone who's not pregnant when she's due, so most people wait to ask till you look like you've stuffed a pretty big pillow in your shirt or you're wearing something very maternity-looking. On the other hand, busybodies will ask each other, so you may find it's less privacy-invading for you to volunteer the info if you keep seeing someone giving your belly the side-eye. That one's really up to you.
Nthing that no one ever touched my belly and I had no interactions with strangers about my pregnancy other than people offering up subway seats (which was very welcome).
posted by Mchelly at 1:00 PM on July 14, 2015
Everyone else will probably respect your privacy for a lot longer than you think - for most people there's no faux pas more horrifying than asking someone who's not pregnant when she's due, so most people wait to ask till you look like you've stuffed a pretty big pillow in your shirt or you're wearing something very maternity-looking. On the other hand, busybodies will ask each other, so you may find it's less privacy-invading for you to volunteer the info if you keep seeing someone giving your belly the side-eye. That one's really up to you.
Nthing that no one ever touched my belly and I had no interactions with strangers about my pregnancy other than people offering up subway seats (which was very welcome).
posted by Mchelly at 1:00 PM on July 14, 2015
i would like to announce that i am pregnant. sadly
I might caution against opening an email like this, even though you would go on to say you're busy -- it really sends out the message that you are upset to be pregnant! The script that amaire gives is much better, I think -- it's all business. you're going to be out of the office X, you are hiring replacement Y, please follow up with Z.
Also: if you are private person, in a way, being pregnant and working with a bunch of younger engineer-y guys is actually probably way easier than being pregnant and working with a bunch of childbearing-age women -- I feel like women that have had babies LOVE to talk about pregnancy and bond over it and discuss your mucus plug or what have you. The guys just don't care. I am sorry for the one dozen gender stereotypes I just promoted here, but it has honestly been my experience regarding similar issues.
posted by kate blank at 1:01 PM on July 14, 2015 [15 favorites]
I might caution against opening an email like this, even though you would go on to say you're busy -- it really sends out the message that you are upset to be pregnant! The script that amaire gives is much better, I think -- it's all business. you're going to be out of the office X, you are hiring replacement Y, please follow up with Z.
Also: if you are private person, in a way, being pregnant and working with a bunch of younger engineer-y guys is actually probably way easier than being pregnant and working with a bunch of childbearing-age women -- I feel like women that have had babies LOVE to talk about pregnancy and bond over it and discuss your mucus plug or what have you. The guys just don't care. I am sorry for the one dozen gender stereotypes I just promoted here, but it has honestly been my experience regarding similar issues.
posted by kate blank at 1:01 PM on July 14, 2015 [15 favorites]
As someone who was once a mid-20s engineer guy, and who has managed similar people for years, I don't think you really need to worry about them gossiping about this. Most of them probably won't particularly care (except to be happy for you if they have that kind of relationship with you), and even if they did, it's not exactly juicy gossip fodder in the engineering teams I've worked with.
posted by primethyme at 1:04 PM on July 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by primethyme at 1:04 PM on July 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think you're right that having people wonder will be worse. By announcing it, you have control, and you can present it as a non-issue (as in amaire's script).
I don't think I want to find out the sex of the baby and at least part of that is I don't want other people to know the details of the genitalia of the thing growing inside me
First, you can know and not tell and not tell that you're not telling. That won't automatically make you smug. But also, if it helps to hear this, I've known a lot of pregnant people and never once ever pictured their baby's genitalia growing inside them. I might know it'll be a baby boy or girl, but I "know" that in the same way that I know that the bus driver is (presenting as) a man or a woman, in a theoretical way, not with any anatomical specificity.
posted by salvia at 1:11 PM on July 14, 2015 [4 favorites]
I don't think I want to find out the sex of the baby and at least part of that is I don't want other people to know the details of the genitalia of the thing growing inside me
First, you can know and not tell and not tell that you're not telling. That won't automatically make you smug. But also, if it helps to hear this, I've known a lot of pregnant people and never once ever pictured their baby's genitalia growing inside them. I might know it'll be a baby boy or girl, but I "know" that in the same way that I know that the bus driver is (presenting as) a man or a woman, in a theoretical way, not with any anatomical specificity.
posted by salvia at 1:11 PM on July 14, 2015 [4 favorites]
I had very similar worries, so much so that I didn't announce until the third trimester, and I've got to say, everyone really impressed me. Not only did no one try to touch me, nobody said I was carrying too small, and only one person pushed when told we didn't know the sex. (I just had the baby, so composing a more insightful reply eludes me, but if you want to chat about it more, I'm happy to do so via MeMail.)
posted by teremala at 1:22 PM on July 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by teremala at 1:22 PM on July 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
Congratulations and thank you for asking this question - as someone who would like to get pregnant someday, I've worried about this thing myself.
In general, what are your relationships like with your non-boss colleagues? If you have work friends who you would feel comfortable telling, I might tell them at some point and say that they are welcome to, or you would like them to, share this info informally with others. Like, it's a semi-silly etiquette rule but supposedly, couples are not supposed to include registry info in their wedding invitations but the bridal party is encouraged to tell those invited where the couple is registered. I think that's a nice way to do it - no mass email but people find out from other people. And I think you can also tell the work friends that you aren't planning to learn the baby's sex because you know you'll love the baby to pieces regardless.
Also, mid-20s engineer guys are not known for being gossipy. I'm not a mid-20s engineer guy but I've trained myself to never ask if a woman is pregnant. I had one colleague a few jobs ago who appeared to be getting bigger but I didn't ask. I found out for sure when I was invited to a work baby shower about two weeks before she went into labor. And that's fine because it's not my business.
And congratulations again :-)
posted by kat518 at 1:23 PM on July 14, 2015
In general, what are your relationships like with your non-boss colleagues? If you have work friends who you would feel comfortable telling, I might tell them at some point and say that they are welcome to, or you would like them to, share this info informally with others. Like, it's a semi-silly etiquette rule but supposedly, couples are not supposed to include registry info in their wedding invitations but the bridal party is encouraged to tell those invited where the couple is registered. I think that's a nice way to do it - no mass email but people find out from other people. And I think you can also tell the work friends that you aren't planning to learn the baby's sex because you know you'll love the baby to pieces regardless.
Also, mid-20s engineer guys are not known for being gossipy. I'm not a mid-20s engineer guy but I've trained myself to never ask if a woman is pregnant. I had one colleague a few jobs ago who appeared to be getting bigger but I didn't ask. I found out for sure when I was invited to a work baby shower about two weeks before she went into labor. And that's fine because it's not my business.
And congratulations again :-)
posted by kat518 at 1:23 PM on July 14, 2015
I have, twice now, in different places, worked in large close groups with people where a woman was clearly pregnant but never announced it in any formal way (or even any informal way) until her leave dates were announced. You can go that route, if you want to - it does happen. If you make it a non-issue (don't bring it up as a topic of conversation) most people around you (particularly younger people) will tend to just not mention it either. If you go that way, though, I'd announce the plan for your leave right around the mid 6 month mark, both because that's a good point for transition planning (8 ish weeks out) and also because that's the point where its going to become really unhideable and people may start to wonder how far along you are and if they're suddenly going to have worked dropped on them.
As for strangers, I also never had anyone I didn't know say a word to me about it. Nobody tried to touch me, nobody chided me or chatted with me, with one exception - I did have a wonderful, random conversation about pregnancy with an elderly woman, but I think she can be forgiven because we were actually in a baby things store at the time.
People will take their cues from you. Give them the cues to follow and they will lead.
Also, honestly, the big changes aren't going to be super obvious for a couple of months yet. Obvious to you, yes, but not others. Think of all that "is she or isn't she" tabloid speculation about movie stars -- even for the super thin, super fit, it can be very hard to tell until you're actually at five or six months.
And - congrats!!
posted by anastasiav at 1:29 PM on July 14, 2015 [5 favorites]
As for strangers, I also never had anyone I didn't know say a word to me about it. Nobody tried to touch me, nobody chided me or chatted with me, with one exception - I did have a wonderful, random conversation about pregnancy with an elderly woman, but I think she can be forgiven because we were actually in a baby things store at the time.
People will take their cues from you. Give them the cues to follow and they will lead.
Also, honestly, the big changes aren't going to be super obvious for a couple of months yet. Obvious to you, yes, but not others. Think of all that "is she or isn't she" tabloid speculation about movie stars -- even for the super thin, super fit, it can be very hard to tell until you're actually at five or six months.
And - congrats!!
posted by anastasiav at 1:29 PM on July 14, 2015 [5 favorites]
It might be possible to deflect some comments during your pregnancy, especially at work, as others are suggesting. Not touching your belly or adopting other "pregnant mannerisms" may help discourage random people at the grocery store, public transit, etc. from bringing it up.
However, I think almost all of the long-term outcomes where you're happy involve you just getting more comfortable with strangers trying to make conversation with you. That is, once you have a kid you'll still get more comments on public transit, the street, in lines, etc. The reason pregnant women get more comments is largely that there's a BABY!!!, which people see as sort of a public good, even if it's still in somebody's uterus. Once the baby is born, there's actually less stopping people from offering advice/touching it/smiling/wanting to know how old and boy or girl. If you could live with some of these, it's probably much easier to learn to appreciate this well-meaning attention from the community than it is to prevent it; and if that sounds like it'll be a challenge later on, you might as well start now. (That's not to say there's any problem with having specific hard boundaries, like about strangers touching your belly.)
Also, this seems like a ton of concern for something that isn't happening yet and may or may not turn out to be a problem. It might be worth thinking of the concern about intrusive strangers itself as a healthy pregnancy symptom, so you can think "wow, my brain sure is doing a great job making sure I protect this kiddo!" rather than "but what if a whole TRAIN is nothing but grandmas who want to touch my belly and then the train breaks down and I spend all morning with them?" (To clarify, I'm not saying you're just hormonal, just that it might be a useful psychological trick to pretend you are.)
posted by cogitron at 2:02 PM on July 14, 2015
However, I think almost all of the long-term outcomes where you're happy involve you just getting more comfortable with strangers trying to make conversation with you. That is, once you have a kid you'll still get more comments on public transit, the street, in lines, etc. The reason pregnant women get more comments is largely that there's a BABY!!!, which people see as sort of a public good, even if it's still in somebody's uterus. Once the baby is born, there's actually less stopping people from offering advice/touching it/smiling/wanting to know how old and boy or girl. If you could live with some of these, it's probably much easier to learn to appreciate this well-meaning attention from the community than it is to prevent it; and if that sounds like it'll be a challenge later on, you might as well start now. (That's not to say there's any problem with having specific hard boundaries, like about strangers touching your belly.)
Also, this seems like a ton of concern for something that isn't happening yet and may or may not turn out to be a problem. It might be worth thinking of the concern about intrusive strangers itself as a healthy pregnancy symptom, so you can think "wow, my brain sure is doing a great job making sure I protect this kiddo!" rather than "but what if a whole TRAIN is nothing but grandmas who want to touch my belly and then the train breaks down and I spend all morning with them?" (To clarify, I'm not saying you're just hormonal, just that it might be a useful psychological trick to pretend you are.)
posted by cogitron at 2:02 PM on July 14, 2015
I was teaching, standing in front of a class of college students 3 times a week throughout my second pregnancy. And I was one of those people who started to swell up like Violet Beauregard from the nose down from about week 4.
I could feel them wondering and noticing my weird shape shifting. Finally one day an administrator in the office looked more closely at my stomach and said..."Third rail, are you PREGNANT? OHHHH!" The fact that obviously everyone wondered what had changed me from a skinny person to swollen person in a matter of months made me decide to announce it to my classes. I just said, one day, "And yes, I am pregnant. Open your books to page 235."
It was a relief. They stopped wondering. And because they were all 18 to 20 somethings, once they knew, they really, really did not care.
I felt more in control, more private and more aware that I wasn't the center of their attention after just explaining it.
Here's the thing. You're you and you're also not just you -- you are also, now, your baby. And part of the adjustment of becoming a mother is noticing people reacting to not just to you but to the new "your baby/you being," whether s/he is still inside you, or strapped to you in a sling in a short time from now. Part of this, for me, was the change of realizing I was -- both socially and psychologically -- part of an irreducible unit, from pregnancy, until the baby became more autonomous.
By the way, this was in NYC and no one in the street or subway ever touched my stomach without my permission.
posted by third rail at 2:06 PM on July 14, 2015 [4 favorites]
I could feel them wondering and noticing my weird shape shifting. Finally one day an administrator in the office looked more closely at my stomach and said..."Third rail, are you PREGNANT? OHHHH!" The fact that obviously everyone wondered what had changed me from a skinny person to swollen person in a matter of months made me decide to announce it to my classes. I just said, one day, "And yes, I am pregnant. Open your books to page 235."
It was a relief. They stopped wondering. And because they were all 18 to 20 somethings, once they knew, they really, really did not care.
I felt more in control, more private and more aware that I wasn't the center of their attention after just explaining it.
Here's the thing. You're you and you're also not just you -- you are also, now, your baby. And part of the adjustment of becoming a mother is noticing people reacting to not just to you but to the new "your baby/you being," whether s/he is still inside you, or strapped to you in a sling in a short time from now. Part of this, for me, was the change of realizing I was -- both socially and psychologically -- part of an irreducible unit, from pregnancy, until the baby became more autonomous.
By the way, this was in NYC and no one in the street or subway ever touched my stomach without my permission.
posted by third rail at 2:06 PM on July 14, 2015 [4 favorites]
You say you are feeling "nervous" and "terrified" of strangers. Have you been screened for prepartum anxiety and depression? Both are super common but nobody ever really talks about it -- not even with those of us who are privileged enough to get fantastic mental health care. In your shoes, I'd probably think about how severe these feelings are to me personally, and consider showing my healthcare provider this post to continue a discussion.
This reads like you've bought into some rather negative social narratives about pregnancy (which I suppose is to be expected in the context of our patriarchal society that devalues women and mothers). I wonder if these negative narratives are also contributing to the "emotional trouble" you are having with being pregnant. You wrote: pregnancy always has this "let me ask you intrusive questions and give you unsolicited advice thing." As you can see from so many of these comments here, the good news is that's not "always" true for most people. I'll add my own anecdata as someone who has been pregnant 3 times and is a working mother of 2, who rode public transport while pregnant-- like several others here, nobody ever gave me any crap for it at all. Not once. But, of course, I don't speak for everyone, and I acknowledge there are women who do get mistreated for being pregnant-- such as the targets of that supposedly comedic video you linked to making fun of "smug" pregnant women, which is actually deeply misogynistic. Ugh. In no way, shape, or form should that awful video be affecting your personal life choices. No, nobody is "smug" for keeping their baby's sex private. I never revealed the sex of my children until after their births, and people were not intrusive about it at all -- in fact, they expressed delight that we chose to be surprised.
My main question is about when to tell people at work
It's got to be challenging being the first pregnant woman ever to work in your 100-person workplace - wow, let's ponder that for a moment. (Seriously, wow.) Glad your boss has been supportive. Of course you're wondering when and how to tell the other people at work-- and rightly so; nobody there has ever seen a woman do this there before, and that's hard. Since privacy is a main concern for you, I would consider waiting to tell the others at work AT LEAST until you have normal results back from your 18-20 week fetal abnormality ultrasound -- of course, the current odds are in your favor, but tragic things do happen. While I'll assume that you, personally, would not want news of a termination getting out at work, other women have chosen to tell right away as a way to break the social silence and taboo about pregnancy loss -- and those are important choices to make and voices to be heard, too. Bottom line, there is no One True Way here. Amaire's email script is an excellent one for you to follow. Personally, I'd send it anytime in September or after, but definitely sometime before 37 weeks. Congratulations on your pregnancy, and best wishes to you.
posted by hush at 2:14 PM on July 14, 2015 [5 favorites]
This reads like you've bought into some rather negative social narratives about pregnancy (which I suppose is to be expected in the context of our patriarchal society that devalues women and mothers). I wonder if these negative narratives are also contributing to the "emotional trouble" you are having with being pregnant. You wrote: pregnancy always has this "let me ask you intrusive questions and give you unsolicited advice thing." As you can see from so many of these comments here, the good news is that's not "always" true for most people. I'll add my own anecdata as someone who has been pregnant 3 times and is a working mother of 2, who rode public transport while pregnant-- like several others here, nobody ever gave me any crap for it at all. Not once. But, of course, I don't speak for everyone, and I acknowledge there are women who do get mistreated for being pregnant-- such as the targets of that supposedly comedic video you linked to making fun of "smug" pregnant women, which is actually deeply misogynistic. Ugh. In no way, shape, or form should that awful video be affecting your personal life choices. No, nobody is "smug" for keeping their baby's sex private. I never revealed the sex of my children until after their births, and people were not intrusive about it at all -- in fact, they expressed delight that we chose to be surprised.
My main question is about when to tell people at work
It's got to be challenging being the first pregnant woman ever to work in your 100-person workplace - wow, let's ponder that for a moment. (Seriously, wow.) Glad your boss has been supportive. Of course you're wondering when and how to tell the other people at work-- and rightly so; nobody there has ever seen a woman do this there before, and that's hard. Since privacy is a main concern for you, I would consider waiting to tell the others at work AT LEAST until you have normal results back from your 18-20 week fetal abnormality ultrasound -- of course, the current odds are in your favor, but tragic things do happen. While I'll assume that you, personally, would not want news of a termination getting out at work, other women have chosen to tell right away as a way to break the social silence and taboo about pregnancy loss -- and those are important choices to make and voices to be heard, too. Bottom line, there is no One True Way here. Amaire's email script is an excellent one for you to follow. Personally, I'd send it anytime in September or after, but definitely sometime before 37 weeks. Congratulations on your pregnancy, and best wishes to you.
posted by hush at 2:14 PM on July 14, 2015 [5 favorites]
This is me, down to the techie workplace. What I found was that my fears were much greater than the reality. In the end I was over-sensitively imagining the worst. Understandably its hard to have something be announced de prego without your choice, but just bite the bullet is what I'm saying. I certainly felt like a load was lifted once it was no longer a secret (we waited till like 4.5 months to tell).
What I did was tell my team members in person, individually, about my upcoming maternity leave, so I phrased it in terms of "what it means for the project" and then I just let the social network do its thang. Everyone was nothing but happy for me. No one asked intrusive questions, and I've had no unsolicited belly gropes. (I may or may not have a resting bitch face tho, factor that in.) That being said I felt better having some pre-fab snarks lined up such as being prepared to grab their belly if they grab mine.
Everyone wanted to tell me about their experiences with pregnancy / birth / babies (even the guys), so I just let them talk and when it became TMI I just said "ok you're freaking me out now! gotta go!" and made my exit. Basically when people lecture/advise you, just think in your head: this is a window into what this person experienced. It has zero bearing on me. (They describe it like it is All Babies but really it's just Their Baby.)
Oh and if people are suddenly extra nice to you (opening doors, giving up seats etc), just remember that humanity is schooled to be polite to Pregnant Ladies and The Elderly, so they're honoring the symbol of New Life and Pregnancy, which is actually kind of sweet in a cosmic way, and it doesn't really have that much to do with you per se.
And... Congrats!!
PS. I've been lying like crazy, I totally know the sex but I'm telling everyone I don't, I want a surprise, blah blah. You don't owe anyone any truthful answers here.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 2:20 PM on July 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
What I did was tell my team members in person, individually, about my upcoming maternity leave, so I phrased it in terms of "what it means for the project" and then I just let the social network do its thang. Everyone was nothing but happy for me. No one asked intrusive questions, and I've had no unsolicited belly gropes. (I may or may not have a resting bitch face tho, factor that in.) That being said I felt better having some pre-fab snarks lined up such as being prepared to grab their belly if they grab mine.
Everyone wanted to tell me about their experiences with pregnancy / birth / babies (even the guys), so I just let them talk and when it became TMI I just said "ok you're freaking me out now! gotta go!" and made my exit. Basically when people lecture/advise you, just think in your head: this is a window into what this person experienced. It has zero bearing on me. (They describe it like it is All Babies but really it's just Their Baby.)
Oh and if people are suddenly extra nice to you (opening doors, giving up seats etc), just remember that humanity is schooled to be polite to Pregnant Ladies and The Elderly, so they're honoring the symbol of New Life and Pregnancy, which is actually kind of sweet in a cosmic way, and it doesn't really have that much to do with you per se.
And... Congrats!!
PS. I've been lying like crazy, I totally know the sex but I'm telling everyone I don't, I want a surprise, blah blah. You don't owe anyone any truthful answers here.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 2:20 PM on July 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm friends with a very brash young lady who got tired of women (it was never men for some reason) walking up and touching her belly, so when they did, she'd just reach out and grab them by the tit.
They'd recoil in horror and she'd say innocently, "Oh, I thought we were just touching other people without their permission." It seemed to get the point across.
posted by ColdChef at 3:30 PM on July 14, 2015 [34 favorites]
They'd recoil in horror and she'd say innocently, "Oh, I thought we were just touching other people without their permission." It seemed to get the point across.
posted by ColdChef at 3:30 PM on July 14, 2015 [34 favorites]
Another voice to say that I don't think it will be nearly as bad as you imagine. In my experience most people don't really care except in a very surface polite conversation way. Doubly so for men. Doubly so for IT guys. (again, this is IME) If you don't announce, you can probably expect most folks to awkwardly give your belly sidelong looks and then get all silent b/c they don't want to say anything and be wrong. This stage will last much longer than you imagine because, as others have mentioned, nothing more embarrassing then guessing wrong.
I also found folks really generally very respectful of following my lead with my two pregnancies. I would say though that if you want to minimize awkwardness and conversation, be matter of fact, express your happiness, and don't complain to much. Acting stressed or distressed by the pregnancy are more likely to lead to gossip, and complaining about your aches and pains are more likely to lead to folks thinking that you WANT to talk about what you are experiencing. And so they are just trying to be nice and sympathetic, but that's talking.
The most conversation I got was from new parents, especially new mom's, but they are mostly just really excited for you, or really sympathetic to the experience (swollen feet, sore back, yadda yadda). Plus it sounds like there aren't many mom's at your work, so not so much of a problem. Moms are also likely to go all smiley when they see you when you're really pregnant. I noticed this when I was pregnant and now I notice doing it myself. I just get this giddy rush of goofy happy. Hormones are so weird.
But yeah, most folks will be vaguely happy for you but not really to interested.
Congrats, and good luck!
posted by pennypiper at 3:37 PM on July 14, 2015
I also found folks really generally very respectful of following my lead with my two pregnancies. I would say though that if you want to minimize awkwardness and conversation, be matter of fact, express your happiness, and don't complain to much. Acting stressed or distressed by the pregnancy are more likely to lead to gossip, and complaining about your aches and pains are more likely to lead to folks thinking that you WANT to talk about what you are experiencing. And so they are just trying to be nice and sympathetic, but that's talking.
The most conversation I got was from new parents, especially new mom's, but they are mostly just really excited for you, or really sympathetic to the experience (swollen feet, sore back, yadda yadda). Plus it sounds like there aren't many mom's at your work, so not so much of a problem. Moms are also likely to go all smiley when they see you when you're really pregnant. I noticed this when I was pregnant and now I notice doing it myself. I just get this giddy rush of goofy happy. Hormones are so weird.
But yeah, most folks will be vaguely happy for you but not really to interested.
Congrats, and good luck!
posted by pennypiper at 3:37 PM on July 14, 2015
I feel you on this, but for me this-- But while I could just wait and let people figure it out, having people slowly notice and probably gossip about it feels even worse than the idea of telling everyone and dealing with it that way and having everyone know-- felt better to me than the whole "make a big announcement" thing, so that's the way I went... no big announcement, just more and more people have started noticing and saying stuff now that it's getting pretty obvious. I feel like it was the right choice for me. (I did make a couple of announcements to team members, mostly just dropping it subtly into e-mails along the line of "So heading into the fall we'll be doing X and Y and by the way I'll miss Z because I'll be out on maternity leave starting around Date" way, which felt better to me than "Hey guys, FYI, I'm pregnant.")
I can tell you that I am definitely getting a lot more desensitized to everyone knowing and saying congratulations and all that... I felt super weird and awkward about it at first but as more and more people have noticed and said stuff, I'm much better able to just smile and say thanks. Hope the same happens for you! (And thus far I haven't had to deal with intrusive questions or belly-touching or anything like that from co-workers, nor from strangers-- they've all just said Congrats and then moved on.)
posted by EmilyClimbs at 3:55 PM on July 14, 2015
I can tell you that I am definitely getting a lot more desensitized to everyone knowing and saying congratulations and all that... I felt super weird and awkward about it at first but as more and more people have noticed and said stuff, I'm much better able to just smile and say thanks. Hope the same happens for you! (And thus far I haven't had to deal with intrusive questions or belly-touching or anything like that from co-workers, nor from strangers-- they've all just said Congrats and then moved on.)
posted by EmilyClimbs at 3:55 PM on July 14, 2015
I'm a college prof, and I told people at work around 15 weeks, including my students. I didn't want any of the "Is she?" talk going on around me. It was fine. No one ever tried to touch my belly, outside of a couple of close family members. People asked how I was doing occasionally, but then we moved on to the task at hand. A coworker has opted to not say anything to students and most faculty (just letting her dept/Dean know) for two pregnancies, and it was kind of odd at times, because there were multiple people asking around. It's a unique workplace, though, as a women's college and a small college where we all know each other well. But in my experience, I felt just getting it out there caused less conversation about it.
posted by bizzyb at 5:02 PM on July 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by bizzyb at 5:02 PM on July 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
St. Peepsburg makes an excellent point: when I said that we didn't know the sex, I meant "...and won't until the kid is old enough to tell us." We totally knew what genitalia techs/doctors thought they were seeing on the ultrasounds. So if you change your mind, it's definitely still okay to keep it private.
posted by teremala at 5:35 PM on July 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by teremala at 5:35 PM on July 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
I worked for a male dominated tech company when I was pregnant. Any guys who were young and single/not anywhere near considering fatherhood completely ignored it. Guys who were around my age/life stage and were either thinking about kids or had had them in the last five years frequently asked how I was feeling, how things were going, etc, and were super helpful running interference for me when I was still publicly pretending to drink at conferences and dinners. Older men just congratulated me and moved on. So YMMV based on the demographics of your company.
When it came time to tell the team I managed, at the end of a planning email I was already sending I added a line about "please see attached for another project I'm managing to be completed in November" and attached this comic. I got a couple of congrats and then everyone moved on.
I'm not a particularly private person, but I did initially resent being seen as particularly feminine when I'm constantly fighting against perceptions of my femininity and competence in my industry. But in the end, people just wanted me to do my job, and I did, and it was fine.
Wait till your last couple weeks when everyone's asking every day whether you've had the baby yet. Then you will know true rage.
posted by olinerd at 7:38 PM on July 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
When it came time to tell the team I managed, at the end of a planning email I was already sending I added a line about "please see attached for another project I'm managing to be completed in November" and attached this comic. I got a couple of congrats and then everyone moved on.
I'm not a particularly private person, but I did initially resent being seen as particularly feminine when I'm constantly fighting against perceptions of my femininity and competence in my industry. But in the end, people just wanted me to do my job, and I did, and it was fine.
Wait till your last couple weeks when everyone's asking every day whether you've had the baby yet. Then you will know true rage.
posted by olinerd at 7:38 PM on July 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
a large proportion of the people I work with are mid-20s engineer-type guys who honestly will probably just not notice until it's extremely obvious.
Perfect; most of them will also be pretty uninterested. I'm pretty private and also sketched out by strangers touching me -- no one ever did. I think you probably give off the same vibe I did which is 'if you're thinking of doing that, please stop'.
You just need a quickie sentence or two so that when someone notices you go 'baby is due on X. It's a boy/girl/don't know yet. We haven't picked out names (even if you actually have). What are you plans for the weekend?' Repeat as needed for the next six months. Handy options for redirects:
What are your plans for the holiday?
Did you see X over the weekend?
Is project Y killing you? It's killing me.
Did you visit new restaurant?
How's your dog?
How's your cat?
How's your kid?
How are your migraines?
Seen any good movies lately?
If you wanted to get the word out early, pick a trusted but gossipy pal, tell them, and tell them you really don't want to have an infinite number of discussions about it but want people to know so that you don't have the 'You're pregnant!?' moment fifty times. And just ask them to quietly spread the word on a Tuesday at around 1. You'll get most of the commentary then and then people will ease off.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 7:02 AM on July 15, 2015
Perfect; most of them will also be pretty uninterested. I'm pretty private and also sketched out by strangers touching me -- no one ever did. I think you probably give off the same vibe I did which is 'if you're thinking of doing that, please stop'.
You just need a quickie sentence or two so that when someone notices you go 'baby is due on X. It's a boy/girl/don't know yet. We haven't picked out names (even if you actually have). What are you plans for the weekend?' Repeat as needed for the next six months. Handy options for redirects:
What are your plans for the holiday?
Did you see X over the weekend?
Is project Y killing you? It's killing me.
Did you visit new restaurant?
How's your dog?
How's your cat?
How's your kid?
How are your migraines?
Seen any good movies lately?
If you wanted to get the word out early, pick a trusted but gossipy pal, tell them, and tell them you really don't want to have an infinite number of discussions about it but want people to know so that you don't have the 'You're pregnant!?' moment fifty times. And just ask them to quietly spread the word on a Tuesday at around 1. You'll get most of the commentary then and then people will ease off.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 7:02 AM on July 15, 2015
I dealt with a similar situation at my job when I was pregnant. I didn't want to talk about it because I was unhappy about it. I'm not a normally private person, so my reasoning was very different.
At any rate, the best thing to do is acknowledge it if someone brings it up to you, and thats really all you can do. Once you start giving them short answers, they will (you'd hope) realize quickly that this isn't something you want to talk about with them.
posted by Sara_NOT_Sarah at 11:48 AM on July 15, 2015
At any rate, the best thing to do is acknowledge it if someone brings it up to you, and thats really all you can do. Once you start giving them short answers, they will (you'd hope) realize quickly that this isn't something you want to talk about with them.
posted by Sara_NOT_Sarah at 11:48 AM on July 15, 2015
It's totally do-able to let people figure it out on their own, especially if your boss already knows. That was my plan. Here is one conversation, at the copier:
Coworker: So, are you teaching summer classes?
Me: Oh! No, I'm pregnant, so I'll be having the baby then.
YMMV, etc., but eventually you will tell people, and it will be OK. If you don't tell people and you look pregnant, then your co-workers will ask each other if you are expecting, or they'll ask you flat-out. And I'd prefer they find out from others, because it means they won't ask me all the typical pregnancy questions right then and there. For me, the "announcement" part was easier than all the follow-ups.
posted by orange (sherbet) rabbit at 5:43 AM on July 16, 2015
Coworker: So, are you teaching summer classes?
Me: Oh! No, I'm pregnant, so I'll be having the baby then.
YMMV, etc., but eventually you will tell people, and it will be OK. If you don't tell people and you look pregnant, then your co-workers will ask each other if you are expecting, or they'll ask you flat-out. And I'd prefer they find out from others, because it means they won't ask me all the typical pregnancy questions right then and there. For me, the "announcement" part was easier than all the follow-ups.
posted by orange (sherbet) rabbit at 5:43 AM on July 16, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
Nobody on the subway touched my belly. Nobody gave me a death glare for having half a glass of champagne at a wedding at 7 months. No one gave me a stinkeye for eating a sandwich or a salad or whatever you can't eat now.
What people did do: People teased for the name we had picked out, but that's not hard to deflect. "Sorry, we want the grandparents to be the first to know!" People asked if we felt ready, and wished us luck, but you know, that's just called "making conversation." Friends asked more personal questions, but that was from a friend standpoint. Workplace colleagues commended me for how well I was tolerating pregnancy, but that was from a standpoint of admiration.
People will tell you horror stories, but it wasn't my experience. Be well, and enjoy this time that you and your baby are writing the duet that you will sing your whole lives.
posted by Liesl at 12:43 PM on July 14, 2015 [14 favorites]