How do I apologize for mixing friends, family, and business?

July 13, 2015 10:29 AM

I made a mistake. I'm helping my in-laws buy a house, and I introduced them to a long-time friend and Realtor, in the hopes of providing my friend with a reference client, and my in-laws with an extremely trustworthy advisor. At first everyone seemed very happy with this arrangement, but it's gone off the rails.

The in-laws started using a second agent, without notifying myself or my friend. Instead, they simply went dark for a month. They realized this second agent was disreputable when the new agent bought a house from underneath them without delivering their bid to the seller.

In the wake of that event, they initially decided that they should revert back to my trustworthy friend. My friend cautiously agreed to take them back as clients, more out of loyalty to me than out of any commercial desire.

Now, the in-laws have flip-flopped again, and have decided they (for unfathomable reasons) want to work with the untrustworthy agent, and want me to get rid of my friend. I'm horrifically embarrassed for having made a bad introduction, and also for failing to fully quash the nonsense quickly.

I want to find a great way to apologize for making such a bad introduction. There was a very, very real opportunity cost associated (I'd estimate they wasted a few thousand dollars of her time), and that seems like the sort of thing that deserves a material response.

My first thought is a sincere apology, along with an invitation for my friend and her spouse to enjoy the best home-cooked meal that I know how to prepare. Is that sufficient? Are there other ideas on what to do in this situation?

posted by whisk(e)y neat to Human Relations (15 answers total)

Best answer: First, I would keep in mind that this sort of wasted opportunity cost happens with realtors, and is part of the cost of doing business for them. I totally get why you feel guilty about it in this case because you made the introduction (I would feel bad too!), but this is fundamentally different than being the cause of, say, someone actively stealing money or getting someone fired, etc. because it's something that pretty regularly happens in this line of business.

I think your idea sounds really nice. I think giving a sincere apology is definitely appropriate, along with a comment along the lines of "If they bother you again, please don't feel the need to take the call on my behalf!" A home cooked meal sounds lovely, but in case scheduling difficulties get in the way, you might pair it with a nice bottle of wine/good bottle of spirits, fruit basket, etc. etc. depending on what your friend likes when you make the apology.
posted by rainbowbrite at 10:35 AM on July 13, 2015 [18 favorites]

You just introduced them, right? Your friend and agent wants referrals, and I think this is part of the agent's job, is to suss out how ready a client is, and to deal with clients who might not really be very good clients. While hopefully you only introduce her to good clients, the reality is, you can never really know until they buy. It's part of the risk.

So I think a homecooked meal is plenty. And just letting them know that you disagree with that your in-laws are doing, and that your in-laws don't need to get special treatment because of you.
posted by ethidda at 10:46 AM on July 13, 2015 [3 favorites]

Best answer: My friend cautiously agreed to take them back as clients, more out of loyalty to me than out of any commercial desire.

I would try to clear the air on this detail and let them know that if you ever refer someone to them again, this sort of expression of loyalty to you is not expected and they should do what makes good business sense. This is the only detail that would really bother me and make me feel somewhat responsible for the crappy outcome.

Beyond that, dinner and such sounds lovely.
posted by Michele in California at 10:53 AM on July 13, 2015 [17 favorites]

Now, the in-laws have flip-flopped again, and have decided they (for unfathomable reasons) want to work with the untrustworthy agent, and want me to get rid of my friend.

Do what you want in terms of apologizing, but absolutely tell your inlaws that they need to fire her themselves.

If you need to, you can repeat back to your inlaws exactly what it is they want you to do, under the guise of making sure you understand their request.

"So let me get this straight, you would like me to call my friend, who signed on as your agent, and then you dumped, and then you signed up again, and you want me to dump her again, ON YOUR BEHALF? I'm sorry. I can't help you with that. You'll need to call her and let her know what your latest decision is."
posted by vitabellosi at 10:56 AM on July 13, 2015 [61 favorites]

Seconding vitabellosi. Your in-laws seem indifferent to how their choices and actions impact other people (both you and your friend), and that won't change if you do their dirty work for them. Let them be responsible for what they did. And next time they ask you to recommend someone, inform them you're not comfortable doing that because of the way they acted in this schlmozzle.
posted by dry white toast at 11:03 AM on July 13, 2015 [13 favorites]

Oh HELL NO.
If your in laws want to break up, then they need to do the breaking up.
Asking you to do it is immature, irresponsible and plain ol' ridiculous.
Grown ups take responsibility for their actions.
Time for them to pay the fiddler for the dance.

After the dust settles, then I am sure your realtor friend and her husband would love a nice meal.
I know I would.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 11:12 AM on July 13, 2015 [9 favorites]

When you say you're helping them buy a house, do you mean that you'e also financially helping or was the help solely the introduction to your friend? I really hope you don't have a financial stake in this as your in-laws sound like they're making very bad decisions.

Tell them that they have to sever the relationship with your friend themselves - it is an official relationship and really can't or shouldn't be dissolved by a third party. Apologize to your friend and your offer of dinner sounds very nice.
posted by quince at 11:13 AM on July 13, 2015 [2 favorites]

"I'm helping my in-laws buy a house... Now, the in-laws have flip-flopped again, and have decided they (for unfathomable reasons) want to work with the untrustworthy agent, and want me to get rid of my friend."

Thirding vitabellosi. What they are asking you to do is profoundly not ok. Lesson learned about your in-laws' character here, I hope. Stop "helping" your in-laws immediately. They clearly don't take your advice, and they create drama for you.
posted by hush at 11:14 AM on July 13, 2015 [6 favorites]

I agree with the posters so far that an apology is nice; that to a certain extent, such client behaviour is par for the course for a realtor; that you should clarify with your friend that they don't have to take back a bad client you referred to them out of loyalty.

As for dinner, it's a nice thing but I just wanted to note that you don't mention how your spouse (whose parents are the flip-floppers) feels about this. If I were the realtor friend, I might find it awkward to sit through an apology dinner about the bad behaviour of your partner's parents with your partner there. Maybe a lunch or dinner out would be better, with just you and your realtor friend, sans spouses?
posted by girlpublisher at 11:19 AM on July 13, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I'm going to go against the grain & suggest that you do as your in-laws asked & "break-up" with her for them. I don't think making them own it as their responsibility is worth the worry that you may feel not knowing how they told her, or even if they tell her at all (they could just decide to go dark again). It seems like you value the friendship; if I were in your shoes I would sincerely apologize on their behalf, along the lines of what you & rainbowbrite already said.
posted by Laura in Canada at 11:22 AM on July 13, 2015 [4 favorites]

Your in-laws should be adults and own up with the agent but based upon what you've recounted I wouldn't depend upon it.

Because you can't depend upon it, I would definitely contact your friend and let them know exactly what is going on and apologize on your own behalf (all you did was trust your in-laws to act like decent people). I would also make it crystal clear to your friend that they should feel absolutely no obligation to continue to have any dealings with your in-laws. They may feel that they would be letting you down in some way by not continuing to assist in-laws. (I would also be tempted to throw the in-laws under the bus by telling my friend how appalled I am by their behavior.)
posted by Carbolic at 12:11 PM on July 13, 2015 [7 favorites]

They realized this second agent was disreputable when the new agent bought a house from underneath them without delivering their bid to the seller.

Is this not grounds for that crook to lose their license? That would remove that criminal from the picture.
posted by w0mbat at 12:32 PM on July 13, 2015 [1 favorite]

I suspect that "in-laws tell realtor themselves" = them disappearing again.
Stick to your plan on sincere apology + home-cooked meal + bottle of expensive wine/spirits or fruit basket or whatever else friend is in to, as the first answer above says.
posted by Neekee at 1:39 PM on July 13, 2015

Dinner sounds lovely. Perhaps neither you nor your partner bring up the in laws during dinner unless your friend does first, and probably a good idea to be united beforehand on exactly how you'll respond.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:53 PM on July 13, 2015

I suspect that "in-laws tell realtor themselves" = them disappearing again.
Stick to your plan on sincere apology + home-cooked meal + bottle of expensive wine/spirits or fruit basket or whatever else friend is in to, as the first answer above says

You can absolutely dial the phone for them, or invite your friend over so that they complete the task in your presence - but I recognize that this is not the most important aspect. Let them disappear again, and talk to your friend separately, but don't let them off the hook. Say it out loud to them: "if you're changing realtors again, you need to let my friend, Realtor X, know that."
posted by vitabellosi at 4:52 PM on July 13, 2015 [1 favorite]