Catching up on/with an ex years after a bad break-up?

July 1, 2015 10:17 AM

4+ years ago, I ended a long-term relationship on pretty bad terms (I was at fault). ex cut off all contact. I'm in a very different place than I was then (obviously) and I've grown curious about what she's up to now, but she appears to have me perma-blocked on Facebook. is there any way I can ask how she's doing?

relationship went long-distance because we both went to graduate school, less than a year after that we ended on bad terms. my fault, both because the initial death throes were caused by me drunkenly almost sleeping with a classmate, and because I mishandled the fallout with a lot of lying and foot-dragging -- the sort of shit you pull when you're shittily trying to force the other person to be the adult and end the thing.

anyway, things are obviously much different 4+ years later. I was 23 and just starting my MFA program then; these days grad school usually feels like a lifetime ago. I'm curious how she's doing. I'm not interested in rekindling anything, platonic or romantic (I'm happily engaged). I just want to know if she graduated from her program, if she's settled somewhere nice, whatever.

part of this is, I'm sure, selfish: I think of myself as very different now from the person who left her that way. maybe I'm (consciously or not) seeking forgiveness or reassurance that I am/was not so bad. but even when I set that aside, I'm still just curious, the way you might be about an old friend you haven't caught up with in a while. her life being in a sort of quantum state from my vantage point, considering that she was an important part of my life once, is a little saddening. (I understand that that's how life works sometimes, but it's still sad.)

problem is, she is (by her choice, I would assume) invisible to me on Facebook (has been since the break-up, as far as I know), and I have no actual other way to see how she's doing except via a direct email.

I've written an email as short as "you don't have to answer if you don't want, but: how are things?" and deleted it a few times. I don't want to intrude/presume, and I understand that I have no right to know anything about her that she doesn't want me to know. would such an email be acceptable or would it be crossing a line I'd best avoid? is there a manner of phrasing that would be better than, say, the thing I wrote at the start of this paragraph? either way, am I overthinking this (yes)?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (42 answers total)

Don't contact her. She blocked you on Facebook for a reason.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 10:21 AM on July 1, 2015 [90 favorites]

Leave her be. If you've got a friend in common, you can ask the friend how she's doing.
posted by adamrice at 10:21 AM on July 1, 2015 [11 favorites]

Yes, you're overthinking this. Let it go.

Especially if she's gone to the effort of blocking you on FB, just let it go.

Or if you prefer, write a nice letter to her - with real ink on real paper, none of this new-fangled "e-mail" stuff. Then light it on fire and dispose of the ashes in the trash. Then let it go.
posted by RedOrGreen at 10:21 AM on July 1, 2015 [2 favorites]

Leave her alone. She chose to cut off contact; your curiosity doesn't trump that.
posted by a hat out of hell at 10:22 AM on July 1, 2015 [19 favorites]

Let her be. She has moved on. You are getting married. She owes you nothing.
posted by saradarlin at 10:22 AM on July 1, 2015 [5 favorites]

I have been in her place. JUST LET IT GO. If she wanted to hear from you, she wouldn't have you blocked on FB.


I have an ex who finds me on every new social media platform and tries to initiate. I block him every time. It's pretty pathetic, really. Don't be that guy.
posted by mollymayhem at 10:24 AM on July 1, 2015 [27 favorites]

No. Don't contact her.

There's always the potential that sometime, even years in the future, she may want to catch up with you. (It happened to me with a delay of 10 years.) But right now, respect the tacit boundary of the facebook block and leave her be.
posted by phunniemee at 10:27 AM on July 1, 2015

There's really no good justification for trying to do an end run around a social media block. Sometimes you just have to let people go.
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:28 AM on July 1, 2015 [3 favorites]

If you want some outside perspective on how to go about this & whether it's a good idea, you could check with your fiancee.
posted by ftm at 10:29 AM on July 1, 2015 [54 favorites]

No. If my ex contacted me "just to see how I was doing" I'd sooner throw my laptop out the window before I'd respond. You forfeited your right to be part of her life; move on with your own.
posted by desjardins at 10:35 AM on July 1, 2015 [13 favorites]

She gets to be the one to decide whether to re-initiate contact or not. Let it go.
posted by rtha at 10:39 AM on July 1, 2015 [2 favorites]

Nope. I am her. I would be really upset if he contacted me.

Do something else instead. Give money to a domestic violence shelter for all the women out there who have suffered at the hands of men far worse than you were to her, for example. Do this quietly, do it for yourself, and forgive yourself.

Her forgiveness is meaningless anyhow, really. You have to forgive yourself.
posted by sockermom at 10:42 AM on July 1, 2015 [14 favorites]

I understand the impulse and you're right to question what's really behind it. Sure, there's curiosity, but you know your curiosity doesn't trump her desire to be left alone, right? And if you really wanted to know if she has a degree, that info doesn't need to come from her, don't fool yourself.

So I think you're right on, most of this is you want to prove you've grown. Well, you can prove it to yourself, by being the good guy you grown to be, without involving her in it at all.

A phenomenon I've recently noted and I wish I could better articulate is that engaged people can get kind of...weird. Like they subconsciously want to prove they've "won," in a way, or they're getting panicky about their upcoming commitment and they act out. Reaching out to your long-ago ex at the time you just happen to be engaged is a trend I've noticed. Resist it.

If she wanted to be in touch, she would be. When you find yourself writing that email, just imagine what a chump you'll feel like when you send it and get back a terse or upset response or no response at all. Seriously, this isn't gonna shake out to your satisfaction, and the likelihood that it'll be received as creepy is high. Don't be a chump or a creep.
posted by kapers at 10:47 AM on July 1, 2015 [20 favorites]

I had an ex contact me out of the blue after blocking him on Facebook and it was pretty upsetting- not because of him contacting me, per se, but because I was in the middle of a weird/transitional time in my life and his message brought up a bunch of memories I really didn't want to deal with at the time. You're doing her no favors by contacting her; it's an understandable but selfish impulse that benefits only your curiosity.
posted by MadamM at 10:48 AM on July 1, 2015 [5 favorites]

An anecdote: I once contacted a far-away ex years after an abrupt breakup (though I was not blocked on facebook, and had been the person who originally wanted no contact) asking if we could consider ourselves friends again. He replied a firm no, but gently pointed out that what I was really seeking was forgiveness...and that he thought that I should go ahead and forgive myself despite whatever he might feel, noting that I really didn't need him for that.

He was right (and so are your instincts now). This would be a selfish and inappropriate move, given that a block on Facebook is a very clear sign that she doesn't want to hear from you. Instead, try writing her a letter that you will never send, that you simply destroy afterwards. Finding closure is something you need to do on your own, and would still be even if you were on friendly terms with her. I don't think there is ever a way that that exs can do it together.
posted by veery at 10:50 AM on July 1, 2015 [8 favorites]

No.

Respecting the boundaries she has set by blocking you is a fantastic way for you to keep growing as a person.

Not only would it be inappropriate for you to try and circumvent your ex-girlfriend's boundaries, I am also wondering about your motives. You write about not wanting to rekindle anything - but are you sure you are being honest with yourself here?

Continue to be a better person than you once were. Say goodbye to your past without looking back.
posted by kariebookish at 10:54 AM on July 1, 2015 [11 favorites]

Your curiosity to peek into her life does not outweigh her right to privacy from you. Do not contact her.
posted by Crystalinne at 10:55 AM on July 1, 2015 [4 favorites]

Nope nope nope. If she's blocked you, she has a reason for it. This would not be welcome. I know curiosity is tempting, but take the high road and respect the boundaries that she has put in place.
posted by pemberkins at 10:59 AM on July 1, 2015 [1 favorite]

Nope. Nope. Nope. You can ask a mutual friend, but absolutely don't ask that friend to pass along any message. As people are saying above, your desire to grow past this or validate that you've grown past being horrible to your ex or to assure yourself that your ex has managed to live without you are reasonable, but you have no right and no liberty to take care of those needs on her back. You broke this relationship--by your own admission, you broke it badly--and this is what you get for it. You don't get a cookie from her for being older and wiser.
posted by crush-onastick at 11:03 AM on July 1, 2015

I have an ex perma-blocked on Facebook because I want nothing to do with her -- we ended the relationship over ten years ago -- poorly -- and she kept trying to friend request me. I'm imagining if she were to somehow contact me, the kinds of emotions that would be stirred up. Do NOT contact her, otherwise it will NOT end well.
posted by tckma at 11:07 AM on July 1, 2015

Ask a friend, and MAYBE have the mutual friend relay well wishes, and MORE MAYBE your regret parting on a sour note.

AND STOP. DO NOT EXPECT REPLY.

She had moved on. So should you.
posted by kschang at 11:08 AM on July 1, 2015

Please do not reach out. There are people in my life who I have distanced myself from for a reason. I wish them all the best, but I do not want to personally hear about how they are doing. If she ever does, she will reach out herself.
posted by capricorn at 11:11 AM on July 1, 2015 [2 favorites]

part of this is, I'm sure, selfish: I think of myself as very different now from the person who left her that way. maybe I'm (consciously or not) seeking forgiveness or reassurance that I am/was not so bad. but even when I set that aside, I'm still just curious, the way you might be about an old friend you haven't caught up with in a while.

It's basically self-contradictory to think of yourself as a different person and also want confirmation that you weren't so bad. You either changed or you didn't. But since you want to think of yourself as a different person, you need to consider that she might have changed, too. She might be a completely person at this point, and you don't have a connection to her anymore. So your desire for her opinions on the past and your "curiousity" is more about your projections of who she is based on what she means to you, not the actual living and breathing person - ie, it's not much different from what motivates celebrity stalkers.

Even if she hasn't changed at all, she definitely doesn't want to talk to you. She's told you in no uncertain terms she doesn't want you in her life. Don't snoop around it.
posted by The Master and Margarita Mix at 11:13 AM on July 1, 2015 [2 favorites]

I read all these responses and thought let me think of a way to tell him yes, sure, contact away as a counterpoint to the other responses. I tried, but cannot think of one good reason. Hold off.
posted by AugustWest at 11:14 AM on July 1, 2015 [1 favorite]

part of this is, I'm sure, selfish

Literally 100% of this is selfish. You feel better about yourself, you are curious, you want to know how she's doing, you want to know if she still hates you. 0% of it is about how your inquiry will make her life better. It won't. You don't get to do things like this with people you screwed over. Not ever. It sucks that you were young and dumb but sometimes when you're young and dumb you do things that have for-the-rest-of-your-life consequences. Not being able to talk to this person is yours, and frankly, it's an extremely minor consequence.
posted by brainmouse at 11:15 AM on July 1, 2015 [36 favorites]

Ugh, please do not recruit a mutual friend to send a message; that's almost worse. Don't involve a third party in this madness, you'll embarrass yourself, put the friend in an inappropriate position, and annoy/enrage the ex .

If someone wanted me to pass along well wishes to the person they totally screwed over, a person who had him blocked on social media at that, I would not do it. And I would lose respect for that person for even asking.
posted by kapers at 11:17 AM on July 1, 2015 [7 favorites]

No. This is stalking. If she wants to get in touch with you, she will. The fact that she hasn't means she doesn't want contact with you.
posted by MexicanYenta at 11:22 AM on July 1, 2015 [2 favorites]

Oh man, I occasionally feel this urge to contact my exes. I've noticed it always comes up before a big change in my life - moving, wedding planning, pregnancy. It's a way to distract myself with the past instead of focusing on the future.

She probably doesn't have you blocked purposefully, rather she did it long ago and forgot about it. However, you reaching out will be unpleasant and serves no purpose. Just leave well enough alone.
posted by galvanized unicorn at 11:23 AM on July 1, 2015 [11 favorites]

I sympathize with you, I do, and I have a few burnt bridges from my distant past. But the way to be a better/wiser/kinder person about it is not to contact the person you wronged and attempt to prove that you've grown. It's to take what you've learned and apply it to your life now. You can't undo how you treated her, but there are people in your present and future that you can treat well.

She is probably fine, whatever she's up to now. Reentering her life against her wishes is unlikely to have any sort of positive effect on her. Or you.
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:24 AM on July 1, 2015 [5 favorites]

Mod note: This is a followup from the asker.

thanks everyone. this was the collective answer I think I'd expected to hear, more or less, but it's very useful to hear it (particularly in unison) from outside voices.

we have no mutual friends, but even if we did I wouldn't try that avenue, either -- it would feel like side-stepping what I should be doing, namely, respect boundaries and move along. so, gonna do that.

posted by cortex (staff) at 11:33 AM on July 1, 2015 [14 favorites]

Nope. I am you. I cheated on my boyfriend of 9 years and broke his heart. We split up and I was awful. I think about him almost daily in passing but would never contact him. I've done him enough harm and I'm happy to know he's now happy. (fortunately we have mutual friends and his Twitter/Instagram is open so I do (unfortunately) check to see how he is)
posted by Dorothea_in_Rome at 11:46 AM on July 1, 2015

I agree with what everyone else said. You need to let go. Loss is difficult for all of us to deal with (loss that was unexpected, that we created unintentionally, even that which we hoped for). But you need to move on and away. You are entitled to have your feelings of wanting to know how she is, but you need to respond to those feelings with appropriate action - which, in this case, is to take none in her direction.
posted by anya32 at 12:01 PM on July 1, 2015 [2 favorites]

Way to bury the lede!!

"I'm engaged now."

Seems like more shenanigans on your part. Motives are muddy, at best. Maybe see a therapist to talk some stuff over in a "safe" setting?

Yeah. Pay a professional to talk this urge through safely. Don't blow up your own life or anyone else's. Not worth it.
posted by jbenben at 12:10 PM on July 1, 2015 [8 favorites]

"I'm not interested in rekindling anything, platonic or romantic (I'm happily engaged)."

Yeah, yours is one of the oldest stories in the world. My stalker ex-boyfriend from the late 90s always contacts me against my wishes around times of his own life milestones: he got engaged, he got married, he moved to a different state, his wife gave birth to their baby boy, etc. And it is all so very inappropriate and unsettling to me. No way would I ever respond. So I completely agree with kapers: "engaged people can get kind of...weird. Like they subconsciously want to prove they've 'won,' in a way, or they're getting panicky about their upcoming commitment and they act out." This is definitely A Thing, and I am not a fan. (Quite relieved to read your update then.)

"the initial death throes were caused by me drunkenly almost sleeping with a classmate, and because I mishandled the fallout with a lot of lying and foot-dragging"

You seriously need to just forget about reconnecting in any way with your ex, and stop wasting your precious time drafting any type of message to her. I'm not going to sugar coat it-- this reads like the beginnings of you maaaaybe setting upon a course of eventually having to lie to your fiancee about this contact. (Because of course you haven't told her about any of the wanting to contact your ex stuff.) If you truly want to remain "happily engaged," please start by refocusing those feelings of curiosity and wanting to know about another woman's life back onto your actual fiancee who is currently sharing a life with you, and work hard to keep your relationship strong. Cut the false nostalgia crap. Be fully present here in the now. Fiercely love your fiancee. Be a totally different, more grown-up man than the one you used to be.

"I just want to know if she graduated from her program, if she's settled somewhere nice, whatever."

No. You know you don't need to make any direct contact with her nor cross her boundaries in any way in order to find these sorts of data points out. That being said, DON'T! (Aaand on preview, what jbenben just said.)
posted by hush at 12:15 PM on July 1, 2015 [8 favorites]

I'm sure my ex (the first one, with whom I have no children) is a very different person than he used to be. And I would still be horrified if he contacted me just to "see how I was doing." We are nothing to one another any more, and I don't have any desire to be made aware if he has been thinking about me for whatever reason.

I do understand where you are coming from. I have over the years occasionally Googled the aforementioned ex because I was just curious whatever happened to him. Recently I found his wife's Facebook page, so it was interesting to see how he looked after 30 years and was vaguely surprising that he actually married a woman again (I was sure he was headed in the other direction when we broke up.) However, for years I never found a bit of info online about him, and I'd never in a million years have contacted him or anyone else just to find out how he was. God forbid he should think I care.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 12:21 PM on July 1, 2015 [1 favorite]

If she's blocked you, she has a reason for it.

Look, I'm not one to say the previous posters are wrong, based on their personal experience. However, in your situation, which is not the same as the other posters' situation, it is possible that she no longer hates you and wouldn't mind getting back in touch. Does a Facebook block require regular maintenance? Does the Facebook block conclusively prove that she still doesn't want to hear from you? Why all this emphasis on a Facebook setting? How about real human feelings? Facebook settings don't change; people do.

On balance, kschang's suggestion seems practical:

Ask a friend, and MAYBE have the mutual friend relay well wishes, and MORE MAYBE your regret parting on a sour note.
AND STOP. DO NOT EXPECT REPLY.
She had moved on. So should you.
posted by kschang at 2:08 PM on July 1 [+] [!]
posted by JimN2TAW at 12:23 PM on July 1, 2015

Speaking from my own perspective. I have three exes that wronged me and I never want to see or speak to them again. One was 13 years ago, one was 9 years ago, one was 3 years ago. Leave her alone. It's selfish to want to make contact.
posted by shesbenevolent at 12:30 PM on July 1, 2015 [1 favorite]

My ex contacted me via Facebook more than fifteen years after our relatively civil divorce about an actual financial matter. It was so infuriating that I was cranky for a couple of weeks. Don't get in contact with her. The odds that it will add anything to her day are minimal and the odds that it will add anything to yours are about the same. Keep being a good person and leave her alone.
posted by immlass at 12:31 PM on July 1, 2015 [3 favorites]

You are the reason I deleted friends of my ex from my Facebook. Don't be that guy. Leave her alone. I'm sure she knows where to find you if she wants to.
posted by corb at 1:30 PM on July 1, 2015 [4 favorites]

I'm still just curious

Too bad... You're not offering anything here. This is a person you hurt very badly and now you want to inject yourself back into their life just to satisfy a passing curiosity? No.

Imagine that she did in fact graduate from her program but found work in a different field. She then moved to Cambridge MA and met a really great guy who is taller than you'd imagine from his pictures. They have a dog named Polka.
posted by French Fry at 2:24 PM on July 1, 2015 [9 favorites]

This is pretty much her choice to initiate contact if she ever wants to.

And by the way, it would be totally legit if you decided to go and block her so she couldn't, which is probably better for your mental/emotional health(the block screen on facebook will let you block anyone, including people who have blocked you).

A mutually assured blockstruction, if you will. I have one of those with more than a couple people.
posted by emptythought at 2:29 PM on July 1, 2015

I have my (toxic) ex blocked on Facebook. Admittedly, I did this more to stop myself seeing what he was getting up to and getting upset, but if it has also sent out a "do not contact me" message then this is undoubtedly a good thing. I cannot think of anything the ex could say to me that I would be happy to hear (except maybe "I am moving to Australia") and if he messaged to say "I just wanted to see how you are! By the way I am a lovely person now AND I am getting married and I don't want to be friends or anything I just wanted to pop up out of nowhere and bring back all those memories you just thought you were getting over" I think I would throw my computer out of the window in disgust.
posted by intensitymultiply at 10:04 AM on July 3, 2015 [2 favorites]