Memorial service for mom when we are just a few people attending.

June 30, 2015 9:42 AM

My mom is in pallative care and may pass away shortly. I'm an only child and we have no blood relatives here. The service would be attended by my husband and two teen kids plus a couple of elderly neighbors and me. What funeral service ideas are there for such a small attendance?

She intends to be cremated but after that I'd like to have a small event to help me close this life chapter. It's mostly for me and the kids. The two neighbors might not be able to join us as they're in poor health. Any ideas on how to mark this life passage?

posted by Coffeetyme to Society & Culture (11 answers total)

If there is no interment and you are free to have a service wherever, are you able to find a spot to plant a tree?
posted by juniperesque at 9:46 AM on June 30, 2015 [1 favorite]

I'm sorry for your difficult time. How about a nice dinner at her favorite sort of restaurant, where people can share memories of your mom and toast her?
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:53 AM on June 30, 2015 [4 favorites]

I went through this with my father - we just had a nice meal of remembrance in a restaurant he liked.
posted by spinifex23 at 10:04 AM on June 30, 2015 [4 favorites]

It's always nice to give people a chance to speak, and to take some of the heavy, emotional onus off the kids you could ask questions like, "What was the most fun you ever had with Grandma" or "Remember that time when..." and stuff like that.
posted by BlahLaLa at 10:34 AM on June 30, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: A dinner sounds like a good solution, and it's perfectly fine and common to have a memorial event after cremation is complete. If you plan to scatter ashes, that's also a time when you can have a small remembrance event.
posted by quince at 10:40 AM on June 30, 2015 [2 favorites]

If you're near water, look into renting or chartering a small boat, and scatter the ashes on the water. There are usually many small charter operations that do exactly this.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:59 AM on June 30, 2015 [3 favorites]

A number of months after my grandfather in law passed, we planted a tree in the front yard and buried the ashes there. People in the family were invited to help scatter ashes in the hole for the tree (or not) and say a few words (or not) as they wished. And then I think we went inside and had dinner. It was a very small group, it was informal, and I think everyone likes having the tree there now.
posted by bowtiesarecool at 11:55 AM on June 30, 2015 [1 favorite]

This sounds like my grandmother's service. There were less than 10 of us, we had a church thing according to her wishes, then had lunch after. Nobody spoke at the service besides the officiant.
posted by rhizome at 1:18 PM on June 30, 2015

I brought some of my mother's ashes to a place in Maine she loved. My nephew was with me, and he brought a poem to read, which gave a nice feeling of ceremony. Find some music she loved, play it, find some nice poems or readings, ask various people to read them, if they're willing.
posted by theora55 at 4:23 PM on June 30, 2015

I scattered my sister's ashes at sea off the coast of Long Beach, CA using this service, which has a good description of the procedure. There were only six of us plus the boat captain, who was very unobstrusive, and sensitive to our wishes. The rose petals you place overboard with the ashes float for a long time, and the boat circled the petals until everyone had had a chance to say goodbye, then motored back to shore. It was a lovely ceremony.
posted by pH Indicating Socks at 7:29 PM on June 30, 2015

We did something like this for my grandmother, who died after a long struggle with cancer far away from where she had lived most of her life (she had moved in with my uncle across the country for the last several years of her life because of her deteriorating health). So, it was basically just a few family members who were in the area and attending the memorial. What we ended up doing was having a nice memorial in my uncle's living room. We went around and everyone talked about their favorite memories of my grandma, and I think someone read a poem as well. No minister, because my grandma was not religious -- one of the other older relatives sort of organized everything. I would imagine if there is a religious congregation in the picture, the minister might be willing to either come to your house or do a small service in a chapel or some other smaller location (i.e. not a giant empty sanctuary). It could also be possible to hold it in the house/backyard of the elderly neighbors if they can't travel far.

After the memorial, we had dinner together, and my uncle gave each person a special item to remember my grandmother. I think she had set aside something for everyone (in my case a necklace, for other people a certain book or painting). This might be something you could talk about with your mom if she is in a position to do that, or just think about what might be a meaningful token for each person to hold onto to remember her.
posted by rainbowbrite at 6:41 AM on July 1, 2015 [1 favorite]