How can I support my sister when her problems are her secret?

June 21, 2015 3:22 AM

My sister's e-mails reveal that her boyfriend is breaking up with her, hasn't paid any rent on the mortgage they got this year, and she might be pregnant. Externally everything is fine, I just want to know, when she does tell me, how can I help?

You guys are too good of people not to hold my feet to the fire about snooping, but I don't plan to tell her. I'm just like, when she does come to me saying "I maxed out my credit card paying rent and a mortgage at the same time" (she never moved in to the house they were supposed to share) or when she has to tell me she's having a baby, how can I help?

I think I'm the least judgmental person she could tell, she just isn't sharing her problems with anybody. I have the financial resources to help her out, but I'm not responsible for everything. I suppose I would tell her I snooped if it meant I could help her with something before it was too late, but I know "suddenly offering unsolicited advice about a situation you wanted to be secret" is not going to actually be any help. Is there anything I can do to help her recover from having the person she talked to on the phone every day for three years start bringing other women to the house they bought together, and finding out he lied about his vasectomy?

I was never too judgmental of the guy... I did tell her it was a huge red flag when he blocked her on Facebook a year or so ago over politics, and I didn't help with the down payment when she asked, saying I thought he was a great boyfriend, but not close enough yet to be a business partner. I was always suspicious about things like the vasectomy and his commitment to her, as is my nature. I suppose she knows that without my talking about it directly.

I visit her kids every weekend and spend 8-12 hours playing with them, so we're pretty close... in theory. If she just keeps asking me to watch them on the weekends so she can work overtime, and maybe get a secret abortion against her religious beliefs, is that the best way I can help?

posted by Noumenon to Human Relations (16 answers total)

Act exactly as you would if you hadn't snooped. Your sister certainly knows you're available for support and if you think she doesn't have a non specific way of reminding her.
posted by k8t at 3:30 AM on June 21, 2015

I would think being more available for the kids on the weekends to buy her some breathing room sounds like a fine idea. Her choice about the abortion or not is her choice, and you had best stay out of that-- I guess that's what you mean "before it's too late"?

Just be a good brother, and don't make it about you whatever decision she makes.
posted by frumiousb at 4:05 AM on June 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Oh, that brings up something else. My mom has been living with my sister for a few years to babysit, and we are currently looking at apartments together because my mom thinks she has to move out in August. So I could get stuck renting a two-person apartment by myself if my sister ends up staying in place and my mom doesn't move. So in that way, acting as though I don't know makes things worse -- I guess I'll just have to judge my sister for being willing to let that happen to me?

But anyway, I'm fine with acting as though I hadn't snooped, but I don't want to react as though I hadn't snooped -- I think I can do much better if I have thought through how to handle the situation and what my sister will need.
posted by Noumenon at 4:05 AM on June 21, 2015

Response by poster: By "before it's too late" I meant mainly financial stuff like mortgage foreclosure. Maybe there are legal deadlines for getting out of a shared mortgage, I really doubt it though.
posted by Noumenon at 4:07 AM on June 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

Sounds like you would want to get some legal or otherwise helpful general information beforehand (legal deadlines and such) so you are better prepared yourself. But beware it could make it harder for you to act as though you hadn't snooped.

I've decided it's probably wise to get some very preliminary legal advice on a family situation that could happen decades from now, but it could be very sudden as well and I want to be prepared because there is also al lot of emotional confusion to be expected. Do what you think is wise.

And what frumiousb says.
posted by Dutchmeisje at 4:31 AM on June 21, 2015

Is her working overtime and not moving into the house sufficient reason to mention your willingness to help without judgment if anything's wrong? Would it be awkward to just start doing things like bringing in some (or additional) good food on your weekend visits, maybe creating a heightened atmosphere of warmth and trust?
posted by Monsieur Caution at 4:59 AM on June 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

You did her wrong by snooping. Make it up to her by coming clean, apologizing for your behavior, and offering to rescue her. Be completely honest with her. She's had enough men lying to her lately. You snooped out of love, it will be okay.

Don't give her advice. Don't bring up the word abortion. Don't make her feel stupid. Just listen to her, reassure her, and love her.

Those children need some stability. Can you afford to buy a house and put it in your sister's and your mom's name? It sounds like the ladies in your family could benefit from a forever home.
posted by myselfasme at 5:58 AM on June 21, 2015 [7 favorites]

Tell her you've been reading her emails, then let her decide if she wants your help at all.
posted by 256 at 6:04 AM on June 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Don't tell. That's so violating, she should not have to parse a massive breach of her privacy by someone she trusts on top of everything else! Geez!!

Beliefs (religious and otherwise) are fluid, so you really don't know what she thinks. Ditto that her body is hers. If it is legal and safe to have an abortion, this is a highly private matter and you should stay out of it and pretend no knowledge (and anyway, early pregnancies fail, so don't twist yourself in knots guessing what did or did not happen if there's no pregnancy announcement. or maybe with all the stress she's just missed a period and only thinks she's pregnant? You Don't Know, It's Her Body, So Stay Out Of It.)

Get legal advice about the mortgage. Pay for a lawyer when the time comes to get her out of the house - surely what the (ex) BF has done constitutes some sort of legal financial fraud? Be ready to get her expert advice and support.

Ditto, if she hasn't move in and your mom's move out date is august, you can open a conversation about the house & mortgage that way. If you come armed with legal expertise because you've already had lawyer consults - YAY!!

Stay out of the private relationships. Yes, get legal advice and be ready to help. Never ever ever admit that you are a dirty lying snooper, NEVER SNOOP AGAIN.

Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 7:00 AM on June 21, 2015 [5 favorites]

Response by poster: Bringing food is a great idea; we'd noticed she's stopped cooking.

The point about stress and periods is very true and if she does tell me, I can honestly say I understand why she wouldn't tell me right away.

It's not really a core value of mine not to snoop but I can ask her to make sure her stuff is secure before she gives me a laptop or whatever so I won't be tempted to look.

"Stay out of the private relationships" sounds like good advice, all she has to tell me is she's not moving and in debt and all I have to tell her is how I can help with that. I never had a need to know this other stuff. Monsieur Caution is right that I can already bring up the physical signals based on their own visibility, and never go farther than that.

Is there anywhere I can tell her where she'd get emotional support if she's not going to get it from her family or friends? Like maybe, I could commit to watch the kids while she goes to a church for therapy.
posted by Noumenon at 8:02 AM on June 21, 2015

It's not really a core value of mine not to snoop but I can ask her to make sure her stuff is secure before she gives me a laptop or whatever so I won't be tempted to look.

You have to stop snooping, full stop. Even if it's not one of your values, you need to make it a priority. The onus is not on your sister to add extra protection to her personal emails, it is on you not to read them behind her back.
posted by fireandthud at 8:51 AM on June 21, 2015 [27 favorites]

Best answer: Basically, you know she's about to come to you and say she's broke and pregnant, and you want to know how to help her best. The thing is, she's not going to come to you with an announcement, she's going to come to you with a request. She's going to ask you for money, or a promise of support (money, place to live) while she's having a baby, or ask you to pick up her slack while she doesn't move in with you (so you'd need money to pay the lease-break fee). Or maybe she's just going to ask you to listen and cry with her and tell her he's a total asshole. She's going to tell you how she wants you to help her.

SO, you need to have decided how you're willing to help. How much money are you willing to devote to the problem short-term (eg paying off her overdue bills)? How much money are you willing to devote long-term (eg ongoing paying her half the rent, making debt payments, etc) How much family time investment are you up for (you were going to be sharing a 2bed apartment with her (and her 2 kids?), and now you'd add a baby to that, would you still be willing? And how would you contribute (time/$$) to baby care while she's at work, etc).

You've done a good job so far of being supportive of her while drawing the line and not taking steps you're not comfortable with (the down payment), so what you've got is the opportunity to think about this in advance.
posted by aimedwander at 9:52 AM on June 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

I have the financial resources to help her out

Maybe you could casually mention that oh by the way, if she ever needs help with getting a lawyer [MeFi Wiki], you have short-term financial resources that could help protect her long-term financial interests, through bankruptcy or foreclosure assistance or whatever else might be available due to her situation. You could watch the kids while she consults with a lawyer about her options.

It's not really a core value of mine not to snoop

You clearly have your sister's best interests at heart and want to protect her and the children as much as possible, so you may also want to consider obtaining your own advice from an attorney:

This is not an uncommon issue in domestic relations cases these days. Indeed, it seems that a common means by which infidelity is discovered in the day and age of e-mail, text messaging, and Twitter is via illicit communications “accidentally” discovered by one spouse concerning the other. How accidental these discoveries actually are is another question, of course, since it’s usually the case that someone has to go looking for this kind of stuff, and have reason to do so, in order to find it. Legally, though, doing so often violates not only state laws, but also Federal laws that prohibit unauthorized access to stored communications, such as the law in Michigan. In Virginia, for example, such activity would generally be covered by the law against Computer trespass. There are no exceptions in these laws for adults living together in the same household or married couples, so prosecutions like this are likely to become the rule rather than the exception in the future.

posted by Little Dawn at 11:16 AM on June 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

Where I was (NY State) it was possible to sue a co-owner to sell a jointly owned property.

I really do feel like the (soon ex) BF is committing fraud. Your sister likely has more options than she realizes. You should look into that for her and get yourself up to speed on her legal rights :))
posted by jbenben at 3:57 PM on June 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

It's stressful (and makes you feel a little crazy) to think someone close to you is snooping due to their questions/super accurate hunches... but not want to confront them about it. So just keep that aspect in mind in whether you decide to let her know (or to continue snooping).

It also hurts one's trust in people closest to them in a time of need.

If I were in your position, I'd offer to help her sort through her finances. Whether you say because it seems like she's stressed about money, or her kids said an off-hand comment while you were watching them, or if you actually tell her why, is up to you.
posted by typecloud at 8:20 AM on June 22, 2015 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Followup from me, the OP:

This situation resolved without high drama. My sister never agreed that she needed a lawyer. The boyfriend signed the mortgage over with no legal hassle, but extracted $5000 from my sister for his new down payment. My sister did not ask for financial help from me, but my mom offered some. She is bouncing a few checks, making some late payments. I and my mom watched the kids on weekends till the guy moved out. My sister lost 10-15 pounds suddenly, but it's probably more likely to be stress than a secret abortion. I never had the opportunity to access emails again, but it wouldn't have helped me help her. I found I'm actually not very inclined to be a supportive person, while my sister's not inclined to share her sorrows, so it doesn't help much for me to know what she's going through.

Things seem to have resolved pretty luckily. The kids are OK, she's dating again. Her boyfriend's office job was good enough to somehow get a mortgage while still being on the first mortgage and having lousy personal finance skills. Her own job was good enough to keep her afloat when she had two rent payments. If either of them had been a little less middle class, it would have gone worse.

I got to continue with the status quo, never had to own up to snooping or deal with helping raise some other guy's kid. That would have killed me because I can't resist babies, but red-pill philosophy has infected me with bitterness on the topic. Thanks everyone, especially those who kept me focused on not intruding on my sister's choices, and on thinking carefully about what I was willing to provide.
posted by Noumenon at 4:11 PM on January 19, 2016