Daughter wants to wear diapers again.
May 29, 2015 1:44 PM Subscribe
My daughter (~6) tried to sneak a diaper from her brother (~2) to wear at night. Hrmm.
I snapped a little when she tried to steal the diaper, but calmly asked her to explain. She stated that she is worried about wetting the bed, even though she has not done this in approximately half of her lifetime. She also lied and told me that my wife had allowed this (she had not). I have a little bit of doubt that this is really the cause because of some other events that may or may not be related.
(1) Between one and two years ago, she and her older female cousin were caught in the acts of:
- taking turns peeing while sitting on the toilet backwards
- stuffing toilet paper into their underpants to pretend they had diapers on
Upon discovery they attempted to lock us out of the bathroom and were admonished that this was completely inappropriate.
(2) A couple weeks ago, a babysitter and her child were over. My daughter and the babysitter's daughter were just chilling while the latter was sitting on the toilet. Upon discovery, well, see (1).
(3) Yesterday, a different six year old friend was over, and they both took my son's diapers and wore them. (I was not home, so I'm not sure what happened when this was discovered)
I'm not sure where to go from here.
I snapped a little when she tried to steal the diaper, but calmly asked her to explain. She stated that she is worried about wetting the bed, even though she has not done this in approximately half of her lifetime. She also lied and told me that my wife had allowed this (she had not). I have a little bit of doubt that this is really the cause because of some other events that may or may not be related.
(1) Between one and two years ago, she and her older female cousin were caught in the acts of:
- taking turns peeing while sitting on the toilet backwards
- stuffing toilet paper into their underpants to pretend they had diapers on
Upon discovery they attempted to lock us out of the bathroom and were admonished that this was completely inappropriate.
(2) A couple weeks ago, a babysitter and her child were over. My daughter and the babysitter's daughter were just chilling while the latter was sitting on the toilet. Upon discovery, well, see (1).
(3) Yesterday, a different six year old friend was over, and they both took my son's diapers and wore them. (I was not home, so I'm not sure what happened when this was discovered)
I'm not sure where to go from here.
Kids like playing at what they're not. What is your specific concern?
posted by tchemgrrl at 1:49 PM on May 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by tchemgrrl at 1:49 PM on May 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
It is very unlikely that this is now a permanent facet of her personality that will never ever go away.
It's a developmental experiment, and it will pass faster if you do not try to make it a Thing. She's not actually doing anything wrong, and I can't tell if you're trying to sexualize it or are just made super nervous by pee (some people are, and it's fine if you are, but you have to keep that to yourself and not pass it on to her), but she has a right to have an interest in stuff that comes out of her. You want that, you don't want a kid who loses a kidney because they won't tell anyone they have a UTI.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:52 PM on May 29, 2015 [27 favorites]
It's a developmental experiment, and it will pass faster if you do not try to make it a Thing. She's not actually doing anything wrong, and I can't tell if you're trying to sexualize it or are just made super nervous by pee (some people are, and it's fine if you are, but you have to keep that to yourself and not pass it on to her), but she has a right to have an interest in stuff that comes out of her. You want that, you don't want a kid who loses a kidney because they won't tell anyone they have a UTI.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:52 PM on May 29, 2015 [27 favorites]
I'm not sure where to go from here.
Nowhere? You're making this worse and way more of A Thing by telling your daughter that perfectly normal kid stuff is Absolutely Unacceptable.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:54 PM on May 29, 2015 [59 favorites]
Nowhere? You're making this worse and way more of A Thing by telling your daughter that perfectly normal kid stuff is Absolutely Unacceptable.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:54 PM on May 29, 2015 [59 favorites]
Worry about the lying, not the diaper thing.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:55 PM on May 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:55 PM on May 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
Well I don't have kids and I really know nothing about parenting so please take this comment with a pinch of salt but.....
She stated that she is worried about wetting the bed, even though she has not done this in approximately half of her lifetime.
Is there a reason you're not taking this concern seriously?
posted by JenThePro at 1:55 PM on May 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
She stated that she is worried about wetting the bed, even though she has not done this in approximately half of her lifetime.
Is there a reason you're not taking this concern seriously?
posted by JenThePro at 1:55 PM on May 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
There is only one thing that strikes me as "completely inappropriate" and that's trying to lock themselves in a room to avoid talking to their parents.
Honestly, if three vaguely diaper-related incidents in so many years is this concerning to you, I'd try to examine why that is. Are you afraid that she'll wet the bed? Are you afraid she'll regress to wanting to use diapers? Are you afraid this is inappropriately sexual or scatological?
posted by lydhre at 1:59 PM on May 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
Honestly, if three vaguely diaper-related incidents in so many years is this concerning to you, I'd try to examine why that is. Are you afraid that she'll wet the bed? Are you afraid she'll regress to wanting to use diapers? Are you afraid this is inappropriately sexual or scatological?
posted by lydhre at 1:59 PM on May 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
The more you yell at her about normal play stuff the more anxious she's going to get. No matter what the subject is. Pick your battles.
posted by bleep at 1:59 PM on May 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by bleep at 1:59 PM on May 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
Little boys aren't the only ones who experiment with peeing everywhere. Also, I'd be very surprised to hear that most little girls didn't trying sitting on the toilet backwards - like... I totally did that and knew my friends tried it too. (It's a pretty cool thing actually - as a kid - doing something backwards.) I'd say this is all within the realm of normal experimenting.
However, I think it's also okay to talk to her about 1) lying 2) appropriateness with friends 3) that she's a big girl and doesn't need diapers - check with her about her fears of bed wetting for sure.
To expand on 2) I totally took baths and showers with friends well into my elementary and high school years and often went to the bathroom at the same time. However you may have other preferences.
Also, I am wondering if you are male as you referred to your wife. If you are, I suggest your wife take on some of this discussion as your daughter may be more open with her - and again if you are male you may not know the types of thing little girls do as they experiment and grow up.
posted by Crystalinne at 2:06 PM on May 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
However, I think it's also okay to talk to her about 1) lying 2) appropriateness with friends 3) that she's a big girl and doesn't need diapers - check with her about her fears of bed wetting for sure.
To expand on 2) I totally took baths and showers with friends well into my elementary and high school years and often went to the bathroom at the same time. However you may have other preferences.
Also, I am wondering if you are male as you referred to your wife. If you are, I suggest your wife take on some of this discussion as your daughter may be more open with her - and again if you are male you may not know the types of thing little girls do as they experiment and grow up.
posted by Crystalinne at 2:06 PM on May 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
Making it a taboo action/subject is going to get the kids more interested in it. The more you over react the more she is going to want to try & figure out why.
I wonder if some one at school/kindy is being teased for wetting the bed or one of her friends said something & now she's worried she will do it. Maybe she had a little accident and got caught short one night & dribbled & now shes worried. Have you asked her why she thinks she'll start wetting the bed, or why she wants the diaper? If she's just playing at being a baby you can direct her calmly to blankys etc things you are more comfortable with, if she's learning about her body, maybe some age appropriate books on the subject might help.
My niece actually regressed on & off between the ages of 4-7 with bed wetting and occasionally wore pullups to bed, the doctor said the less fuss you make about these sorts of subjects the less effect it will have on you child. You want to be offhand & calm.
Side note, up until my 30's when I got too fat I used to sit on the toilet backwards so I could rest my book on the back of it to read while going, I was otherwise a pretty normal adult.
posted by wwax at 2:08 PM on May 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
I wonder if some one at school/kindy is being teased for wetting the bed or one of her friends said something & now she's worried she will do it. Maybe she had a little accident and got caught short one night & dribbled & now shes worried. Have you asked her why she thinks she'll start wetting the bed, or why she wants the diaper? If she's just playing at being a baby you can direct her calmly to blankys etc things you are more comfortable with, if she's learning about her body, maybe some age appropriate books on the subject might help.
My niece actually regressed on & off between the ages of 4-7 with bed wetting and occasionally wore pullups to bed, the doctor said the less fuss you make about these sorts of subjects the less effect it will have on you child. You want to be offhand & calm.
Side note, up until my 30's when I got too fat I used to sit on the toilet backwards so I could rest my book on the back of it to read while going, I was otherwise a pretty normal adult.
posted by wwax at 2:08 PM on May 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
Maybe part of the reason you're anxious about this behavior is that it's one of the first types of play you've seen that you can't really join in on. I agree with everyone else that this is totally normal childhood behavior, but it wouldn't be normal if you also put on a diaper or if you pretended she had pooped and you needed to change her.
That "ick! entirely inappropriate!" response to joining in could be bleeding over into your reaction to her own exploration. But giving her this bit of space in her own head (and her room and the bathroom) is perfectly appropriate.
posted by cogitron at 2:09 PM on May 29, 2015
That "ick! entirely inappropriate!" response to joining in could be bleeding over into your reaction to her own exploration. But giving her this bit of space in her own head (and her room and the bathroom) is perfectly appropriate.
posted by cogitron at 2:09 PM on May 29, 2015
Could you specify what the problem is in your eyes, specifically the business about the kids socializing in the toilet?
I mean, yeah, you should teach her that peeing is a private thing, but it's hardly shocking. A lot of kids like taking off their clothes or take turns examining each others genitals. Again, something they should avoid doing in polite society, but the impuls itself isnot worrying.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:10 PM on May 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
I mean, yeah, you should teach her that peeing is a private thing, but it's hardly shocking. A lot of kids like taking off their clothes or take turns examining each others genitals. Again, something they should avoid doing in polite society, but the impuls itself isnot worrying.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:10 PM on May 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
i can see a number of different possible concerns implied in your question
1. A belief on your part the urinating should be a completely private activity and not done when someone else is in the room. Obviously, this is not a belief shared in all cultures - in fact men regularly urinate in front of other men in public restrooms. As a young child, it would seem natural to keep a friend company in the bathroom. If you want to teach otherwise, that's fine but understand that her impulse is natural (just like an impulse to eat with your fingers instead of fork) and there is no reason to shame her or get upset about this. Yes, you can teach her to keep your bathroom activities private but as a parent, don't freak out about the fact that she doesn't already do this.
2. Children are often curious about the process of peeing. Especially girls who know that boys and men can do it standing up will often (almost always, I would guess) experiment with this themselves. It doesn't work very well (ask me how I know!) but she'll find that out pretty quickly.
3. Wanting to play with diapers is bad because ??
Are you afraid that she is regressing and will want to wear diapers all the time? If she is a normal child with no undue stress in her life, a quick experiment will show that diapers are bulky and uncomfortable and it is better to be a big girl. If she is feeling emotionally stresses and wants to be babied, then address that need more directly. Is this her way to say she needs more attention and cuddles and less stress and "big girl" expectations? Then addressing the emotional issue is more important than a strong punitive response to the interest in diapers
4. Is it possible that she is interested in diapers because she is experiencing or fears incontinence or bed wetting? Little girls can get urinary tract infections. If this is what is underlying her concerns, a visit to the doctor to check for such problems is appropriate.
posted by metahawk at 2:12 PM on May 29, 2015 [12 favorites]
1. A belief on your part the urinating should be a completely private activity and not done when someone else is in the room. Obviously, this is not a belief shared in all cultures - in fact men regularly urinate in front of other men in public restrooms. As a young child, it would seem natural to keep a friend company in the bathroom. If you want to teach otherwise, that's fine but understand that her impulse is natural (just like an impulse to eat with your fingers instead of fork) and there is no reason to shame her or get upset about this. Yes, you can teach her to keep your bathroom activities private but as a parent, don't freak out about the fact that she doesn't already do this.
2. Children are often curious about the process of peeing. Especially girls who know that boys and men can do it standing up will often (almost always, I would guess) experiment with this themselves. It doesn't work very well (ask me how I know!) but she'll find that out pretty quickly.
3. Wanting to play with diapers is bad because ??
Are you afraid that she is regressing and will want to wear diapers all the time? If she is a normal child with no undue stress in her life, a quick experiment will show that diapers are bulky and uncomfortable and it is better to be a big girl. If she is feeling emotionally stresses and wants to be babied, then address that need more directly. Is this her way to say she needs more attention and cuddles and less stress and "big girl" expectations? Then addressing the emotional issue is more important than a strong punitive response to the interest in diapers
4. Is it possible that she is interested in diapers because she is experiencing or fears incontinence or bed wetting? Little girls can get urinary tract infections. If this is what is underlying her concerns, a visit to the doctor to check for such problems is appropriate.
posted by metahawk at 2:12 PM on May 29, 2015 [12 favorites]
"Aw, honey, that's so sweet of you to think about the sheets, but there's a mattress cover on and, plus, mommy has a top-of-the-line washing machine with 7 cubic foot capacity to hold even the biggest of sopping pissy messes, so if you do have an accident, no big deal."
or
"If you want to play with a diaper, fine, you can only have THIS ONE and no more, which I'm writing your name on, since they're like a quarter apiece. And you can't sleep in it."
posted by resurrexit at 2:12 PM on May 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
or
"If you want to play with a diaper, fine, you can only have THIS ONE and no more, which I'm writing your name on, since they're like a quarter apiece. And you can't sleep in it."
posted by resurrexit at 2:12 PM on May 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
I remember this comment from years ago, describing peeing as "like a built in hose/squirt gun."
It really does sound like this is just general curiosity and not particularly worrying behavior.
However, the lying and attempting to turn one parent on the other is something you may wish to address.
posted by hmo at 2:14 PM on May 29, 2015
It really does sound like this is just general curiosity and not particularly worrying behavior.
However, the lying and attempting to turn one parent on the other is something you may wish to address.
posted by hmo at 2:14 PM on May 29, 2015
If you're worried about the shutting-the-door thing, I think that's just being six and starting to experiment with independence. By first grade, they're starting to understand clique behavior and exclusion. And girls have been going to the bathroom together for long enough for it to be a dumb old joke, so it's not all that punk rock that they do.
And the lying, at 6 and 7 years old, is part of not just independence but the conceptualization of the exterior world as a place that has its own mechanisms. Most of their life experience is that if they want a thing - food, comfort, interaction - it just happens. Food shows up several times a day. Hugs and play and connection, even when they learn to ask or specify, is still a thing you and most of the other people in their lives are giving to them without prompting. They don't know that the world doesn't change to fit their will until about that age, when they start experimenting with bending reality to see if it works. Saying the other parent said so isn't entirely "ha ha HA my evil scheme is in play!" so much as "maybe if I said they said so it will come to pass that it is so, who the hell knows how this stuff works".
These are not signs of a broken child, even in relationship to bathing-suit-parts. It's just development and you handle those things the exact same way you handle a lie that they didn't break the cup or that grandma said I could have this popsicle.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:26 PM on May 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
And the lying, at 6 and 7 years old, is part of not just independence but the conceptualization of the exterior world as a place that has its own mechanisms. Most of their life experience is that if they want a thing - food, comfort, interaction - it just happens. Food shows up several times a day. Hugs and play and connection, even when they learn to ask or specify, is still a thing you and most of the other people in their lives are giving to them without prompting. They don't know that the world doesn't change to fit their will until about that age, when they start experimenting with bending reality to see if it works. Saying the other parent said so isn't entirely "ha ha HA my evil scheme is in play!" so much as "maybe if I said they said so it will come to pass that it is so, who the hell knows how this stuff works".
These are not signs of a broken child, even in relationship to bathing-suit-parts. It's just development and you handle those things the exact same way you handle a lie that they didn't break the cup or that grandma said I could have this popsicle.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:26 PM on May 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
I'm not sure why you're so anxious about this? I wet the bed on a semi-regular basis well into elementary school, and have not turned into a serial killer or anything. Sitting backwards on a toilet or having a friend in the room while you pee (among young kids) seems totally normal kid curiosity to me...I recall brushing my teeth, taking a bath, etc. while my grandma was using the toilet lots of times as a young kid and don't think I've been permanently scarred. The diaper thing sounds a lot like a desire to be babied like little brother, so I'd try to give her a little bit of that needed attention, etc.
I think the less big of a deal you make about this, the less interesting it will become for your daughter.
posted by rainbowbrite at 2:27 PM on May 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
I think the less big of a deal you make about this, the less interesting it will become for your daughter.
posted by rainbowbrite at 2:27 PM on May 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
Completely normal, and I think the "lying" is a reaction to you having a pretty strong weirdness about very normal behavior.
I'm not worried about the lying at all, I think you need to examine what's freaking you about this super normal behavior.
My girls have done all the above, plus have sat on the other end of the bathroom to try to pee in the toilet like their dad. It _mostly_ worked....
And why not? It is tons of fun.
posted by bottlebrushtree at 2:57 PM on May 29, 2015 [15 favorites]
I'm not worried about the lying at all, I think you need to examine what's freaking you about this super normal behavior.
My girls have done all the above, plus have sat on the other end of the bathroom to try to pee in the toilet like their dad. It _mostly_ worked....
And why not? It is tons of fun.
posted by bottlebrushtree at 2:57 PM on May 29, 2015 [15 favorites]
This is only going to be a Thing if you keep making it one. Back off!
Signed, someone who used to do at least some of these things as a kid and grew up to be well-adjusted, thankyouverymuch.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 3:08 PM on May 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
Signed, someone who used to do at least some of these things as a kid and grew up to be well-adjusted, thankyouverymuch.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 3:08 PM on May 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
Agreeing with everyone who says this is a totally normal thing young girls experiment with.
posted by Librarypt at 3:18 PM on May 29, 2015
posted by Librarypt at 3:18 PM on May 29, 2015
I'm going to swim against the tide a little here and say that there yes, there may be a sexual element to this. And if there is, you may have to learn to be OK with that and give her some space.
I feel creepy writing about this stuff here, but I feel like I may potentially save a little girl some lasting grief by doing so, so here goes.
I have kinks. Many kinks. I am not shy about my kinks, and I even did a whole web series about them. (Link not intended as a plug, but for purposes of elaboration.) One of my kinks is age regression. I don't wear diapers or anything, but the fantasy of regressing somebody or being regressed is there in my head and it's apparently not going away. I think I became aware of it when I was around your daughter's age. I was a tiny kid, but I was already fantasizing about being an even tinier kid. I got the idea from cartoons. I'd see stuff like this and get this weird rush of adrenaline. I had no idea why it was exciting, it just was.
There could be all kinds of reasons why she's doing this stuff. But I want to make you aware that there is the possibility that these are the first stirrings of something lasting, and that if they are it isn't the end of the world and you're not going to do her any favors by punishing her for it. The lying, yes, that's bad. Locking the door on you, that's bad. But if this diaper stuff is giving her a funny feeling she doesn't understand, having her parents punish her for it could do some real harm in the long run.
I am not saying I know for sure what's going on. But whatever it is, I think the best course is to let her explore this a little and to only punish her when her behavior becomes a real problem. (She can't wear diapers to school, for instance!)
Whatever may be going on here, I think your kid will be fine. So far it sounds harmless, and probably the best way to keep it that way is not treat it like something scary and taboo.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:21 PM on May 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
I feel creepy writing about this stuff here, but I feel like I may potentially save a little girl some lasting grief by doing so, so here goes.
I have kinks. Many kinks. I am not shy about my kinks, and I even did a whole web series about them. (Link not intended as a plug, but for purposes of elaboration.) One of my kinks is age regression. I don't wear diapers or anything, but the fantasy of regressing somebody or being regressed is there in my head and it's apparently not going away. I think I became aware of it when I was around your daughter's age. I was a tiny kid, but I was already fantasizing about being an even tinier kid. I got the idea from cartoons. I'd see stuff like this and get this weird rush of adrenaline. I had no idea why it was exciting, it just was.
There could be all kinds of reasons why she's doing this stuff. But I want to make you aware that there is the possibility that these are the first stirrings of something lasting, and that if they are it isn't the end of the world and you're not going to do her any favors by punishing her for it. The lying, yes, that's bad. Locking the door on you, that's bad. But if this diaper stuff is giving her a funny feeling she doesn't understand, having her parents punish her for it could do some real harm in the long run.
I am not saying I know for sure what's going on. But whatever it is, I think the best course is to let her explore this a little and to only punish her when her behavior becomes a real problem. (She can't wear diapers to school, for instance!)
Whatever may be going on here, I think your kid will be fine. So far it sounds harmless, and probably the best way to keep it that way is not treat it like something scary and taboo.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:21 PM on May 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
All that being said, I am not a parent and this is not my kid. I'd leave it up to you to figure out how to let her to explore this stuff, and where the boundaries should be. But I think laying down rigid rules about it always being wrong and bad could be a mistake with lasting consequences for her.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:26 PM on May 29, 2015
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:26 PM on May 29, 2015
I had always wanted to wear diapers again around that age, I asked for diapers every time we went grocery shopping, my parents absolutely refused it, and I still ended up developing a diaper fetish.
Not letting her wear diapers is obviously the right decision. But please don't make her feel guilty or awkward about it, because from personal experience, wanting diapers was hard enough to deal with, let alone being ashamed in front of your parents.
posted by Buy Sockpuppet Bonds! at 3:40 PM on May 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
Not letting her wear diapers is obviously the right decision. But please don't make her feel guilty or awkward about it, because from personal experience, wanting diapers was hard enough to deal with, let alone being ashamed in front of your parents.
posted by Buy Sockpuppet Bonds! at 3:40 PM on May 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
I remember going through a phase when my younger sib was still in diapers, where I (and visiting friends) would raid the diaper stash and just kind of do science to the stolen diapers -- take them apart, pour water on them, throw the fluff around and make a mess. I think it was partly just curiosity about the composition of things (we would also do similar experiments with other toys and household things, cut our dolls' hair, pull off their arms to see inside their torsos, etc). Plus probably some element of half-remembering what younger childhood was like/wishing to be the younger kid who gets more attention? This never developed into anything more with me, so I wouldn't worry about it -- although I would maybe talk with her about what's making her worry about wetting the bed.
posted by LobsterMitten at 3:47 PM on May 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by LobsterMitten at 3:47 PM on May 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
Little kids have all kinds of bathroom stages that they go through. I am sure she lied to you because you were being stern. My son got caught peeing outside with a boy at his babysitter's house and one mother freaked out and pulled her son, and I was like, meh.
I think it comes down to your attitudes toward normal bodily functions. If you are focused on a girl keeping it hidden, she will pick up on that. Also, the baby gets more attention, so of course she's going to revert to wanting to wear diapers if you all are giving the baby more attention. That's normal.
Especially so if you give a lot of attention to a boy. My ex-husband gave a HUGE amount of attention to my son being born, and at the same time, he was overly critical of my daughter. That's something to consider: are you giving a lot of attention to your son, because he's a boy, even if subconsciously? He would say, "oh, the first boy born in our family! Huzzah!" While my daughter must have been thinking, wtf? Then he would go on to criticize her every action, while giving my son a pass on anything he did. But it's Italian! Boys are so great! Now you girl, go clean up the mess and you'd better not miss a spot of dusting, I found a dirty spot on the fork you washed. Stuff like that. It was amazing.
Sure enough, when my son got to be older, I asked him to sweep the floor, and he said, "that's women's work." Just be sure you are not projecting your ideas of gender onto your daughter. What she is doing may be acting out a preference for boys. Or it just may be normal exploration. Either way, if you focus on it and make her feel bad for it, instead of laughing it off, you will be in for more of it. Just say, "ha-ha, you're so funny! Can I take you out for ice cream?"
I grew up in a pack of kids mixed girls and boys, and I was the youngest, so I didn't get the brunt of it, what I got was two older brothers who loved me to bits and a sister who rivaled me and the next oldest brother who loved me and hated me (and now we are very close). Bathroom stuff is so very normal, don't give it too much credence or you will be finding that she will do it for attention instead of understanding and love. Read her stories at night. Take her for walks without the baby. Stop worrying about these things and give her extra positive attention. I'm sure she saw that you guys were giving a lot of attention to the baby and she just wanted a part of it. Totally normal.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 4:34 PM on May 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
I think it comes down to your attitudes toward normal bodily functions. If you are focused on a girl keeping it hidden, she will pick up on that. Also, the baby gets more attention, so of course she's going to revert to wanting to wear diapers if you all are giving the baby more attention. That's normal.
Especially so if you give a lot of attention to a boy. My ex-husband gave a HUGE amount of attention to my son being born, and at the same time, he was overly critical of my daughter. That's something to consider: are you giving a lot of attention to your son, because he's a boy, even if subconsciously? He would say, "oh, the first boy born in our family! Huzzah!" While my daughter must have been thinking, wtf? Then he would go on to criticize her every action, while giving my son a pass on anything he did. But it's Italian! Boys are so great! Now you girl, go clean up the mess and you'd better not miss a spot of dusting, I found a dirty spot on the fork you washed. Stuff like that. It was amazing.
Sure enough, when my son got to be older, I asked him to sweep the floor, and he said, "that's women's work." Just be sure you are not projecting your ideas of gender onto your daughter. What she is doing may be acting out a preference for boys. Or it just may be normal exploration. Either way, if you focus on it and make her feel bad for it, instead of laughing it off, you will be in for more of it. Just say, "ha-ha, you're so funny! Can I take you out for ice cream?"
I grew up in a pack of kids mixed girls and boys, and I was the youngest, so I didn't get the brunt of it, what I got was two older brothers who loved me to bits and a sister who rivaled me and the next oldest brother who loved me and hated me (and now we are very close). Bathroom stuff is so very normal, don't give it too much credence or you will be finding that she will do it for attention instead of understanding and love. Read her stories at night. Take her for walks without the baby. Stop worrying about these things and give her extra positive attention. I'm sure she saw that you guys were giving a lot of attention to the baby and she just wanted a part of it. Totally normal.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 4:34 PM on May 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
Totally normal-- I have seen kids playing a lot with younger siblings' clean diapers a lot. Sometimes they put them on (not to use), sometimes they pretend they are pets(???), sometimes they stack them, sometimes they outline "rooms" to live in with them, sometimes they put them on their stuffed animals, you get the gist.
All of the the kids I have seen do this are quite varied and include kids who are very bright, curious, inquisitive, creative, silly, funny, and all are developmentally on track and otherwise "normal" kids.
This is not "a Thing".
posted by murrey at 4:48 PM on May 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
All of the the kids I have seen do this are quite varied and include kids who are very bright, curious, inquisitive, creative, silly, funny, and all are developmentally on track and otherwise "normal" kids.
This is not "a Thing".
posted by murrey at 4:48 PM on May 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
Seconding Ursula Hitler on the kink bit (which may alarm you! Don't let it alarm you!). Do your best to be relaxed when your kid discusses it with you. Whatever kinks (heh) end up being worked out with time or if this ends up being something she revisits later, it will be much harder for her if she shame-spirals every time.
posted by Ashen at 4:57 PM on May 29, 2015
posted by Ashen at 4:57 PM on May 29, 2015
I remember doing stuff like this with my friends years ago. We were all latchkey kids then and, reading your question, it seems like we'd have freaked our parents right the fuck out with all the stuff we were constantly getting into while they were working, out with co-workers after work, or out having dinner while somebody's older brother was supposed to be watching us, but was really smoking and drinking beer at their friend's house a few blocks away.
The pee thing? As a little girl I remember vividly sitting backward on the toilet. It was....just, it was doing something unexpected with something that was really familiar and mundane. Totally did it with friends. And there was definitely some "I'll show you yours if you show you mine" stuff going on, not because there was sex happening or being thought about, but because, when you're a girl, you can't see your stuff. Your pee comes out of somewhere that you can't really see. So. You know. You look at your friends pee and try to figure out yourself in the process. And our parents didn't talk to us about stuff like that then because we were still partially in the "seen not heard" parenting ethos and, well, our self-esteem, opinions and feelings were not in the forefront of our parents' minds.
The diaper thing? Maybe she's not worried she's going to wet the bed. Maybe she just wants to see how much pee a diaper can hold. Maybe they want to see what wearing a diaper feels like. Maybe her little brother gets more attention because he's little, but he's not exactly a baby anymore, and HE gets to wear diapers so....? And if she wants to be a baby again, well...what's wrong with that? It'll pass like every other phase she's been through, in all likelihood. Maybe ask her - in private, when things are relaxed, NOT on the heels of a discussion about this incident - if she wants to feel like a baby again sometimes and tell her there are other ways - cuddling, rocking to sleep, sitting with her head on Mommy's shoulder - you could revisit that time together. Or maybe she really IS concerned about wetting the bed....is your little one starting to potty train? Are you talking about it within earshot of your little girl? Is there some reason she might be having some anxiety about that, or taking on your anxiety about it?
I also remember being fascinated by my mother's tampons from the time I could rifle through the bathroom cabinets when my parents were being hands-off and self-involved, as was the custom of the day. But other moms wore pads. So, there was a lot of confusion, naturally, and I'd spend lots of time trying to figure out how a pad fit into somebody's body, or how a tiny little tampon could be of any use at all to anybody for anything. Or where these things went because I didn't really understand my body. So....maybe there's some curiosity about that stuff, too?
If you're worried about sex curiosity, or worried that somebody's touched her inappropriately, I'd say don't be, because this doesn't seem like a case of her knowing too much about something or having an odd abundance of knowledge about something she's far too young to know about, but rather she's curious about a basic human bodily function, and so are other little girls her age and, well, put them together and they're sitting on the toilet backwards and monkeying around with diapers. Sounds pretty bog standard to me.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 5:32 PM on May 29, 2015 [8 favorites]
The pee thing? As a little girl I remember vividly sitting backward on the toilet. It was....just, it was doing something unexpected with something that was really familiar and mundane. Totally did it with friends. And there was definitely some "I'll show you yours if you show you mine" stuff going on, not because there was sex happening or being thought about, but because, when you're a girl, you can't see your stuff. Your pee comes out of somewhere that you can't really see. So. You know. You look at your friends pee and try to figure out yourself in the process. And our parents didn't talk to us about stuff like that then because we were still partially in the "seen not heard" parenting ethos and, well, our self-esteem, opinions and feelings were not in the forefront of our parents' minds.
The diaper thing? Maybe she's not worried she's going to wet the bed. Maybe she just wants to see how much pee a diaper can hold. Maybe they want to see what wearing a diaper feels like. Maybe her little brother gets more attention because he's little, but he's not exactly a baby anymore, and HE gets to wear diapers so....? And if she wants to be a baby again, well...what's wrong with that? It'll pass like every other phase she's been through, in all likelihood. Maybe ask her - in private, when things are relaxed, NOT on the heels of a discussion about this incident - if she wants to feel like a baby again sometimes and tell her there are other ways - cuddling, rocking to sleep, sitting with her head on Mommy's shoulder - you could revisit that time together. Or maybe she really IS concerned about wetting the bed....is your little one starting to potty train? Are you talking about it within earshot of your little girl? Is there some reason she might be having some anxiety about that, or taking on your anxiety about it?
I also remember being fascinated by my mother's tampons from the time I could rifle through the bathroom cabinets when my parents were being hands-off and self-involved, as was the custom of the day. But other moms wore pads. So, there was a lot of confusion, naturally, and I'd spend lots of time trying to figure out how a pad fit into somebody's body, or how a tiny little tampon could be of any use at all to anybody for anything. Or where these things went because I didn't really understand my body. So....maybe there's some curiosity about that stuff, too?
If you're worried about sex curiosity, or worried that somebody's touched her inappropriately, I'd say don't be, because this doesn't seem like a case of her knowing too much about something or having an odd abundance of knowledge about something she's far too young to know about, but rather she's curious about a basic human bodily function, and so are other little girls her age and, well, put them together and they're sitting on the toilet backwards and monkeying around with diapers. Sounds pretty bog standard to me.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 5:32 PM on May 29, 2015 [8 favorites]
And, also, I'd try to clarify for myself what exactly you find "inappropriate". Is it the locked door? Is it the peeing together? Is it lying? It's not clear to me what you find inappropriate.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 5:35 PM on May 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by TryTheTilapia at 5:35 PM on May 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
Kids that age are scientists. I have a vague memory of peeing into a jar at age 5 or 6 so my cousin could see what pee tasted like. We both grew up to be completely normal, AFAIK. Fret not.
posted by coppermoss at 7:04 PM on May 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by coppermoss at 7:04 PM on May 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
While it's very possible that this is relatively normal kid-weirdness, some of the things you mention I've been taught as possible warning signs in "how to protect your child from sexual abuse" classes.
If something is tripping your parenting alarm, there may be a reason. Just be very, very careful how you discuss this with her, because you may actually make things worse.
If I were in your situation, I think I'd be looking for the appropriate pediatric counseling/therapist/whatever contact in your area, to at least run it by them.
And yes, I'm aware that this goes against the majority of what others are saying. It's just going to have to. It's better to be safe than sorry.
posted by stormyteal at 7:50 PM on May 29, 2015
If something is tripping your parenting alarm, there may be a reason. Just be very, very careful how you discuss this with her, because you may actually make things worse.
If I were in your situation, I think I'd be looking for the appropriate pediatric counseling/therapist/whatever contact in your area, to at least run it by them.
And yes, I'm aware that this goes against the majority of what others are saying. It's just going to have to. It's better to be safe than sorry.
posted by stormyteal at 7:50 PM on May 29, 2015
Maybe she's pretending to be the baby with a diaper because she's jealous of her younger sibling. Then she told you she was worried about peeing as a cover story.
Maybe try giving her some extra cuddly attention: "I remember when you were a little baby," etc.
Also agreeing with folks above that this is not a thing unless you make it one.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:17 PM on May 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
Maybe try giving her some extra cuddly attention: "I remember when you were a little baby," etc.
Also agreeing with folks above that this is not a thing unless you make it one.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:17 PM on May 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
A few thoughts, not strictly related one-to-the-other:
-Teaching kids to sit on the toilet backwards is a great thing for potty training. It gives them a lot more control and balance than sitting straight forward.
-6 year olds are curious about what is going on with two year olds, their potty training, their stuff, etc.
-My 5 year old once came home from kindergarten in his back up clothes because he and another kid were trying to make an 'X' with their pee.
-My daughter once sat on the toilet and managed to pee on my shoe, who knows how. She laughed.
-Shaming and scolding about any activity makes it more interesting to the child. A better tack might be to have a casual conversation about it and find out why diapers are interesting to her.
posted by SLC Mom at 9:53 PM on May 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
-Teaching kids to sit on the toilet backwards is a great thing for potty training. It gives them a lot more control and balance than sitting straight forward.
-6 year olds are curious about what is going on with two year olds, their potty training, their stuff, etc.
-My 5 year old once came home from kindergarten in his back up clothes because he and another kid were trying to make an 'X' with their pee.
-My daughter once sat on the toilet and managed to pee on my shoe, who knows how. She laughed.
-Shaming and scolding about any activity makes it more interesting to the child. A better tack might be to have a casual conversation about it and find out why diapers are interesting to her.
posted by SLC Mom at 9:53 PM on May 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
Highly annoying behavior. It is weird. Our younger son is six and I would also experience some anxiety in this sort of situation.
I don't think this has to do with sexuality. Or a "kink". Hard to know if there isn't something else going on emotionally.
The only thing I can think of is:
- Maybe she's copying your younger child
If it were me I would quickly correct the behavior but not make a big deal of it. Correct and move on. Explain that a) she's way way too old to be wearing diapers and b) such play (stuffing kleenex in her underwear) is unsanitary.
I would also consider just hiding the damn diapers.
Highly annoying, though.
But think of it this way: boys are way way grosser than girls. They pee all over the damn place. And it is really hard to get them to change their ways.
So it could be worse.
posted by Nevin at 10:51 PM on May 29, 2015
I don't think this has to do with sexuality. Or a "kink". Hard to know if there isn't something else going on emotionally.
The only thing I can think of is:
- Maybe she's copying your younger child
If it were me I would quickly correct the behavior but not make a big deal of it. Correct and move on. Explain that a) she's way way too old to be wearing diapers and b) such play (stuffing kleenex in her underwear) is unsanitary.
I would also consider just hiding the damn diapers.
Highly annoying, though.
But think of it this way: boys are way way grosser than girls. They pee all over the damn place. And it is really hard to get them to change their ways.
So it could be worse.
posted by Nevin at 10:51 PM on May 29, 2015
From a member who would like to remain anonymous:
I am a totally normal, high-functioning, happily married (currently pregnant) woman with zero interesting kinks or really any bathroom issues. Weird bathroom-related things I remember doing as a kid:posted by taz at 3:37 AM on May 30, 2015 [12 favorites]
peeing sitting on the toilet seat backwards, peeing sitting on the toilet seat sideways, peeing sitting on the toilet sit just a little to the side, peeing behind a tree while playing outside even while the house was RIGHT THERE, peeing under the porch while playing outside even while the house RIGHT THERE, going to the bathroom to get a bucket and then peeing in it in my carpeted bedroom with all my friends around for some reason (we were under siege from invaders? i knocked over the bucket afterwards. that was fun to explain to my mom.), peeing on my fingers to figure out how warm pee is when it comes out, peeing in a clear Pyrex custard dish to… um… maybe inspect the color? Also, the neighbor girl (also now totally a regular adult) ate a bit of dog poop on a dare for a stick of gum. My brother and I would also take turns eating single pieces of dog kibble. Point is, kids are WEIRD, and you're daughter's behavior appears to be very within the range of normal.
My sister and I did loads of things with peeing - getting up really early in the morning to outsmart our parents so we could practise standing up peeing on a wall like boys; peeing into a jar and leaving it in a cupboard til it went mouldy [gross, sorry Mother!]; peeing backwards on the toilet seat, straddling the seat, seeing how much we could pee in the bath [gross] and other gross pee related things. If we were ever called on it, we made up stuff and lied like idiots. We knew pee-related things were a bit off, but we were really excited at the time about pee.
posted by honey-barbara at 4:48 AM on May 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by honey-barbara at 4:48 AM on May 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
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