How to not think about relationship troubles

May 11, 2015 7:14 PM

I'm in a serious relationship that might be ending. How do I let myself not have constant anxious thoughts about this?

My fiancée and I are having some significant issues that cast the future of our relationship in doubt. I don't want to get into the details because I don't want to turn this into a question of whether we should break up.

The bottom line is that we might break up; I am completely devastated. We are either going to try to work through our problems (we are not sure if we can), or we are going to decide that these problems are intractable. We aren't going to see each other for two weeks due to logistical reasons, and in the meantime, she and I both need to decide if we want to try to work things out.

I tend to think I want to try to work things out, but I'm not sure if that's possible. And regardless of my feelings, it definitely won't be possible if my fiancée doesn't want to try. So, I need to mull things over a little. But I don't want to stew over this. Obsessing will make me anxious and make it hard to sleep, and will probably make it hard to focus at work, but is unlikely to give me extra clarity. So how do I stop?

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posted by anonymous to Human Relations (8 answers total)

Write it all down. Long journal entry that you don't need to share with anyone (and probably shouldn't.) This is unlikely to provide you with something that would be helpful to reread, but it's very useful in getting your thoughts out of your head, which is what you need right now.

Basically, write the kind of long Ask question that is almost certainly a terrible idea to post, and don't post it.

And then: put your efforts into making your own life better, one hour at a time. It's a good thing to do whether your relationship continues or doesn't, and it will certainly make continuing the relationship more likely if that's the way you want to go. Take care of yourself.
posted by asperity at 7:27 PM on May 11, 2015 [5 favorites]

Some people have success with the "set a timer and devote one hour of each day to worrying" approach, with the idea being that you can then tell yourself during the other 23 hours of the day, "I'll think about that when it's the scheduled time."
posted by MsMolly at 7:31 PM on May 11, 2015 [3 favorites]

Oh honey I have been there! The wait is maddening and so toxic. The only thing that is helping me through moments like what you're going through is to take a deep breath and assert to myself that no matter the outcome, it is for the best, and that I am strong enough to move forward regardless of what happens. My partner decides to stay and keep trying? For the best. My partner decides to leave and we break up? Totally for the best. I can't control the outcome. All I can do is control my reaction, and lately I have been choosing to say, "bring it on, whatever it is, because I will make it work." It's obviously extra extra hard when love is involved, but I believe so strongly that things will be okay even if it means that I don't end up with someone I love very much. I believe this because every time I've gotten over a break up (even the breakup of an engagement which was fucking devastating), I have eventually met someone so much better for me and it helps me remember that somewhere, someday, I will find the right person. I don't know if that's something you can apply here, but maybe just practice affirming it to yourself over and over that no matter what, things will be okay, and you want that okay to happen as it needs to so you can keep moving forward. It really is freeing. Hope you find peace in this trying time. You can get through this.
posted by Hermione Granger at 7:32 PM on May 11, 2015 [16 favorites]

Definitely keeping busy will help, especially something physical. Can you sign up for a month long gym membership? Also, corny as it sounds, the best way to get out of a funk is to do something nice for someone else.. even though it's probably the last thing you feel like doing. Can you volunteer at a food bank? Soup kitchen? Best of luck to you
posted by leslievictoria at 7:35 PM on May 11, 2015

Distraction for me, and then just accepting and allowing whatever feeling's coming, rather than fighting it, because it's just going to come anyway. (But a much, much better thing to do is to listen to Hermione Granger.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 7:38 PM on May 11, 2015

I was dumped last week and asked a similar question here about how to focus on my work and not obsess so much. There was a lot of good advice. I've been trying the to be more mindful and just think about the present. It helps. See this comment.

Of course it doesn't get rid of all the pain and all the distracting thoughts, but oftentimes it helps me just enough so that I can power through and finish whatever I'm working on.
posted by mcmile at 7:41 PM on May 11, 2015 [3 favorites]

I got the best grades ever in law school when I went through a similar breakup. I threw myself 110% into work, except in the mornings before class when I felt miserable.
posted by slateyness at 9:04 PM on May 11, 2015

I think all you can really do right now is tell yourself that things are at a crossroads and whatever happens you will be OK- there might be some really hard times ahead, you obviously are in touch with that fact that there is a potential for great loss and feel some strong anticipatory grief. When things feel overwhelming, don't try to push the thoughts and feelings away, they are only going to pile up, but rather try to acknowledge them and self-sooth. "This is difficult, the future might be difficult, but I am going to be OK." I know that this can be impossible to believe at times and you feel like you just are going to break, but it is necessary to be your own best friend when life takes turns like this.
posted by incolorinred at 7:58 PM on May 12, 2015 [1 favorite]