things to consider before moving in early in a relationship?
May 10, 2015 10:51 PM Subscribe
I'm looking for a list of things to think about, talk about, or try before moving in with a relatively new girlfriend.
We've been friends for a couple of years but only dated for four months. I currently spend three or four nights a week with her, except this last week. I've stayed over the last seven nights as a sort of practice run and we'll do the same this next week.
I thought that practice run went well. We have other regular activities on alternating nights of the week, so we settled easily into a routine where one of us gets home early, has some time alone, and then cooks for the other. I'm pretty happy at the thought of having her around not only for special plans but also as a regular feature of my daily routine.
The only thing holding me back is fear of breaking up messily and needing either to move out on short notice or to live for a few weeks with someone I'm not really on good terms with. It's true that we're likely to break up eventually (unless we marry), but I worry that, four months in, we're still in the honeymoon phase and therefore more likely to break up within a year than we would be after having dated a year.
So I'm looking for things one would discover or work out naturally over the course of a year of dating that we should instead force ourselves to think about or talk about or try now.
Or, you know, maybe this is all crazy and I really just need to be enlightened as to the terrible mistake I'm about to make.
We've been friends for a couple of years but only dated for four months. I currently spend three or four nights a week with her, except this last week. I've stayed over the last seven nights as a sort of practice run and we'll do the same this next week.
I thought that practice run went well. We have other regular activities on alternating nights of the week, so we settled easily into a routine where one of us gets home early, has some time alone, and then cooks for the other. I'm pretty happy at the thought of having her around not only for special plans but also as a regular feature of my daily routine.
The only thing holding me back is fear of breaking up messily and needing either to move out on short notice or to live for a few weeks with someone I'm not really on good terms with. It's true that we're likely to break up eventually (unless we marry), but I worry that, four months in, we're still in the honeymoon phase and therefore more likely to break up within a year than we would be after having dated a year.
So I'm looking for things one would discover or work out naturally over the course of a year of dating that we should instead force ourselves to think about or talk about or try now.
Or, you know, maybe this is all crazy and I really just need to be enlightened as to the terrible mistake I'm about to make.
Why are you planning to move in together?
Who is going to pay the rent? Are you both going to be on the lease? What about utilities? Are you moving in to her existing place? If so, is it still going to be 'her place' with all her furniture and her decorations, or can you bring in your couch/posters/etc? Do you both clean the same amount/same schedule? Did both of you have the same routine before you got together, or did one of you used to cook once a week and eat at restaurants/leftovers/stale bread the rest of the time? Do either of you drink? How do you handle hangovers? How do you handle being sick? How do you feel about having out-of-town friends on the couch? For how long? What about just drunk friends that can't make it home that night? What about a pet? Where are you going for Thanksgiving dinner/Christmas? Do your families live nearby? Will they visit? Will you visit them? Will moving in together make you 'serious' to them, or will it be 'living in sin' or just 'those silly kids' or nobody will care? Do friends/family have to give a couple days notice to visit or just ring the doorbell? Can you hold parties there? How considerate of the neighbours do you each want to be - no noise ever, occasional noise, whatever whenever?
posted by the agents of KAOS at 11:26 PM on May 10, 2015 [19 favorites]
Who is going to pay the rent? Are you both going to be on the lease? What about utilities? Are you moving in to her existing place? If so, is it still going to be 'her place' with all her furniture and her decorations, or can you bring in your couch/posters/etc? Do you both clean the same amount/same schedule? Did both of you have the same routine before you got together, or did one of you used to cook once a week and eat at restaurants/leftovers/stale bread the rest of the time? Do either of you drink? How do you handle hangovers? How do you handle being sick? How do you feel about having out-of-town friends on the couch? For how long? What about just drunk friends that can't make it home that night? What about a pet? Where are you going for Thanksgiving dinner/Christmas? Do your families live nearby? Will they visit? Will you visit them? Will moving in together make you 'serious' to them, or will it be 'living in sin' or just 'those silly kids' or nobody will care? Do friends/family have to give a couple days notice to visit or just ring the doorbell? Can you hold parties there? How considerate of the neighbours do you each want to be - no noise ever, occasional noise, whatever whenever?
posted by the agents of KAOS at 11:26 PM on May 10, 2015 [19 favorites]
Have you two had any real, serious fights in the relationship yet? How do you each handle stress (need alone time, need together time, need activity, etc)? When you fight, do you both want to resolve it in the same way (right now vs sleep on it vs take some time apart to think)? What are your respective future plans together and separately? Do those future plans differ in ways that will likely lead to an eventual break up (wanting kids, where you want to live, the importance of marriage)? What happens if one of you loses your job? Would the other one support them? For how long? What if you couldn't afford that? How often will you have sex when you live together? Will that frequency change after awhile? How much change is alright with each of you? Who will buy the groceries? If you're splitting the groceries and expenses, how do you decide on a budget? What if one of you has a friend that the other one doesn't like? Can that friend hang out at the house? If you two have a disparity in income, will you pay expenses proportional to income or split down the middle or something else entirely?
posted by cheerwine at 12:20 AM on May 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by cheerwine at 12:20 AM on May 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
My advice on this is that yea, one of you should move in to the other persons place and just... leave it basically.
If you decide to really do this for real, get a new place together. Blank slate. Put your stuff in storage or whatever it takes.
Moving in is tumultuous even when it works. Moving in AND mixing possessions and all that other stuff when her(or your) house is already set up exactly how you like it is awful.
Starting from scratch on a new space where no one has any memory of some thing being exactly the place they wanted it is cathartic and refreshing. It's also a nice signifier of starting a new chapter and doing this for real, rather than basically "staying over" at one persons place and never leaving.
I don't think there's anything to "force" or that you should think of now. The stuff agents of KAOS brought up is good, but it's really how you handle disagreements about that stuff and how it plays out will determine whether it works out or not.
Two big random ones that occurred to me:
1. So you're around eachother every day, and that becomes the norm because you live together. What if you decide you want to go jam with your friends that night, or go to a show, or work on some hobby project, or whatever? What's the expectation like for being home if it was your night to be home early and you decide earlier that day you DON'T want to be home that night? How much do you expect the other person to be around, and how much do they expect you to be?
2. Do you have any friends she doesn't really get along with, or vice versa? One of my best friends for ages and my partner never got along. He crashed on our couch a few times, and it completely pissed her off. He was also kind of a slob while he was over. We both kind of have people like this that just tick off the other person. How will you handle that? What about mutual friends when one person really wants to hang out with them but the other doesn't that day?
The only thing holding me back is fear of breaking up messily and needing either to move out on short notice or to live for a few weeks with someone I'm not really on good terms with
This sucks, but it's like... thems the breaks. If you have to deal with it, you just will. It's not the end of the world. I know people who lived out several months of a lease with someone they weren't even speaking to, or who had to rent a storage unit and move all their stuff out in a couple days. You just do it.
What would happen if it turned out your current place had some horrible noxious chemical problem or intense pests or was declared structurally unsound(this happened at a VERY new building in my town) and you had to move out like, in a week? You'd just deal with it. Same thing.
posted by emptythought at 12:24 AM on May 11, 2015
If you decide to really do this for real, get a new place together. Blank slate. Put your stuff in storage or whatever it takes.
Moving in is tumultuous even when it works. Moving in AND mixing possessions and all that other stuff when her(or your) house is already set up exactly how you like it is awful.
Starting from scratch on a new space where no one has any memory of some thing being exactly the place they wanted it is cathartic and refreshing. It's also a nice signifier of starting a new chapter and doing this for real, rather than basically "staying over" at one persons place and never leaving.
I don't think there's anything to "force" or that you should think of now. The stuff agents of KAOS brought up is good, but it's really how you handle disagreements about that stuff and how it plays out will determine whether it works out or not.
Two big random ones that occurred to me:
1. So you're around eachother every day, and that becomes the norm because you live together. What if you decide you want to go jam with your friends that night, or go to a show, or work on some hobby project, or whatever? What's the expectation like for being home if it was your night to be home early and you decide earlier that day you DON'T want to be home that night? How much do you expect the other person to be around, and how much do they expect you to be?
2. Do you have any friends she doesn't really get along with, or vice versa? One of my best friends for ages and my partner never got along. He crashed on our couch a few times, and it completely pissed her off. He was also kind of a slob while he was over. We both kind of have people like this that just tick off the other person. How will you handle that? What about mutual friends when one person really wants to hang out with them but the other doesn't that day?
The only thing holding me back is fear of breaking up messily and needing either to move out on short notice or to live for a few weeks with someone I'm not really on good terms with
This sucks, but it's like... thems the breaks. If you have to deal with it, you just will. It's not the end of the world. I know people who lived out several months of a lease with someone they weren't even speaking to, or who had to rent a storage unit and move all their stuff out in a couple days. You just do it.
What would happen if it turned out your current place had some horrible noxious chemical problem or intense pests or was declared structurally unsound(this happened at a VERY new building in my town) and you had to move out like, in a week? You'd just deal with it. Same thing.
posted by emptythought at 12:24 AM on May 11, 2015
Eat next to each other.
Sleep next to each other.
It might be nothing, it might drive you up a wall.
Honestly, if there's ONE thing that annoys you now, it'll make you utterly insensible later,
and it's not even realistic most of the time.
There's ALSO going to be lots of pooping and farting,
if that bothers you, it's not gonna work.
posted by mdrew at 1:07 AM on May 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Sleep next to each other.
It might be nothing, it might drive you up a wall.
Honestly, if there's ONE thing that annoys you now, it'll make you utterly insensible later,
and it's not even realistic most of the time.
There's ALSO going to be lots of pooping and farting,
if that bothers you, it's not gonna work.
posted by mdrew at 1:07 AM on May 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think it's a bad idea and I think you should wait until you've been dating at least a year before you move in together.
My boyfriend and I moved in together after a year of dating. I had been spending 4-5 nights a week at his place for most of that year, and once or twice on vacations I spent a week and a half there straight, and moving in together was still really different and there were some really hard bits at the beginning. I don't know that anyone can give you a cheat guide for things to talk about now to avoid those hard bits, because everyone's relationship is different, and so everyone will have different things that stress them out, or stress their relationship.
For instance, in your question it seems like you think moving in together means a chance to see her more regularly and have her be a part of your day, and not necessarily a sign that you guys are any more serious than you were before you were living together. Do you know what she thinks it means? For example, she could be assuming that moving in together so quickly means your whole relationship time table is being sped up, and so she might be expecting a marriage proposal within the next year if you stay together.
posted by colfax at 3:05 AM on May 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
My boyfriend and I moved in together after a year of dating. I had been spending 4-5 nights a week at his place for most of that year, and once or twice on vacations I spent a week and a half there straight, and moving in together was still really different and there were some really hard bits at the beginning. I don't know that anyone can give you a cheat guide for things to talk about now to avoid those hard bits, because everyone's relationship is different, and so everyone will have different things that stress them out, or stress their relationship.
For instance, in your question it seems like you think moving in together means a chance to see her more regularly and have her be a part of your day, and not necessarily a sign that you guys are any more serious than you were before you were living together. Do you know what she thinks it means? For example, she could be assuming that moving in together so quickly means your whole relationship time table is being sped up, and so she might be expecting a marriage proposal within the next year if you stay together.
posted by colfax at 3:05 AM on May 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
Why don't you just carry on spending blocks of 7 days at hers (or her at yours) for a few more months? That's how I ended up moving in with my now-husband 15yrs ago - I basically realised one day that I hadn't been home for over a month (I had flatmates, I knew the house was ok) so we thought we might as well give up my place when the lease ended. All my stuff gradually migrated over to his.
We'd been going out for about 18 months when I moved in formally, but the extended stays started at about six months. We did end up paying two sets of rent, but we were both in college so didn't want to lose our own spaces in case we needed to study or something (as it happened that was never an issue).
posted by tinkletown at 3:15 AM on May 11, 2015
We'd been going out for about 18 months when I moved in formally, but the extended stays started at about six months. We did end up paying two sets of rent, but we were both in college so didn't want to lose our own spaces in case we needed to study or something (as it happened that was never an issue).
posted by tinkletown at 3:15 AM on May 11, 2015
Set up a joint account that you can both automatically deposit a nominal fee every month, without having to think about it. Agree that this fee is for the future and can be used for one of the following:
1) Your beautiful wedding
2) A down payment on a house
3) Managing a health crisis or pregnancy
4) Rent and moving expenses for one of you in the even of a breakup.
If nothing else, just talking about this will give her the chance to open up and tell you her fears as well as hearing your fears. Be gentle and mention the positives first.
posted by myselfasme at 5:55 AM on May 11, 2015 [11 favorites]
1) Your beautiful wedding
2) A down payment on a house
3) Managing a health crisis or pregnancy
4) Rent and moving expenses for one of you in the even of a breakup.
If nothing else, just talking about this will give her the chance to open up and tell you her fears as well as hearing your fears. Be gentle and mention the positives first.
posted by myselfasme at 5:55 AM on May 11, 2015 [11 favorites]
My boyfriend and I moved in together after about 8 months of dating, and so far things have been easy-peasy (knock on wood). One thing we talked about was to set up a contingency plan for what would happen if we ever broke up. Like, who would get to stay in the apartment, how many weeks the other person would have before they'd need to move out, how we'd split possessions, etc. For me it reaffirmed that living together was a conscious choice we were making and that we would both be okay if things didn't work out. We also considered drawing up a formal cohabitation agreement - there are many examples/templates if you search online.
Otherwise, we figured everything else out as we went along. I hate emptying the dishwasher, so that's his job. We have two bathrooms and one is "his" and one is "mine." We both give each other a heads up if anyone is coming over, and we each have veto power for overnight guests. Basically we just try to approach things collaboratively and respectfully.
posted by Yellow Silver Maple at 6:05 AM on May 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
Otherwise, we figured everything else out as we went along. I hate emptying the dishwasher, so that's his job. We have two bathrooms and one is "his" and one is "mine." We both give each other a heads up if anyone is coming over, and we each have veto power for overnight guests. Basically we just try to approach things collaboratively and respectfully.
posted by Yellow Silver Maple at 6:05 AM on May 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
I think this is a terrible idea.
Flat out, I don't think that you personally have enough relationship or social experience to make this successful.
Moving in with another person is going to bring every potential relationship issue you might have right to the surface. It can be hard for people who have been together a long time. It can be hard for people who have years of dating and relationship experience behind them. You do not have the learned life skills to be able to weather this in a way that will leave both of you happier people, unless you and your girlfriend are truly 99th percentile exceptional people in a 99th percentile exceptional relationship.
You asked a question a while back about relationship problems someone in their first relationship should try to avoid. Well, moving in together with someone you've been dating four months is one of them.
I'm not saying this with an intent to be mean. I'm saying this to be super realistic here. You're young, you're in the happy new fun part of (what sounds like?) your first real relationship...just enjoy it! Let it play out for whatever it is without the pressures of advancing things too soon. Now is not the time. Just let yourself be comfortable and happy for a while.
posted by phunniemee at 6:13 AM on May 11, 2015 [18 favorites]
Flat out, I don't think that you personally have enough relationship or social experience to make this successful.
Moving in with another person is going to bring every potential relationship issue you might have right to the surface. It can be hard for people who have been together a long time. It can be hard for people who have years of dating and relationship experience behind them. You do not have the learned life skills to be able to weather this in a way that will leave both of you happier people, unless you and your girlfriend are truly 99th percentile exceptional people in a 99th percentile exceptional relationship.
You asked a question a while back about relationship problems someone in their first relationship should try to avoid. Well, moving in together with someone you've been dating four months is one of them.
I'm not saying this with an intent to be mean. I'm saying this to be super realistic here. You're young, you're in the happy new fun part of (what sounds like?) your first real relationship...just enjoy it! Let it play out for whatever it is without the pressures of advancing things too soon. Now is not the time. Just let yourself be comfortable and happy for a while.
posted by phunniemee at 6:13 AM on May 11, 2015 [18 favorites]
It's true that we're likely to break up eventually...
This does beg the question as to why you are moving in. Your reservations as you express them are really reasonable. I don't think you should do it unless there are other considerations you are not mentioning.
posted by BibiRose at 6:35 AM on May 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
This does beg the question as to why you are moving in. Your reservations as you express them are really reasonable. I don't think you should do it unless there are other considerations you are not mentioning.
posted by BibiRose at 6:35 AM on May 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
My now-wife and I decided to start living together when we had been dating for about three or four months (and we hadn't been friends before starting dating), although it took several more months after that before I was fully moved into her place. We did break a bunch of the rules mentioned above: we didn't talk about most of the questions mentioned above by taoK and cheerwine, and I moved into her place rather than us getting a new place. But I'm very happy we did it, and I'm very happy we didn't wait longer than was absolutely necessary.
What worries me in your question is the phrase "It's true that we're likely to break up eventually". I would never have said that about our relationship when we were talking about moving in together: at that point I felt extremely good about it and I was already hoping that we were headed for marriage (although I realized we had a ways to go still to be ready for that). I think you should think about what you mean by "we're likely to break up eventually" -- if you are just being cautious and paranoid when you say that that's one thing, but if you actually believe that your relationship is likely to end in a break-up then I don't think you should move in together. (And I think you should figure out what problems in the relationship make you think that's the case and start looking for solutions to them).
posted by parkin at 6:45 AM on May 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
What worries me in your question is the phrase "It's true that we're likely to break up eventually". I would never have said that about our relationship when we were talking about moving in together: at that point I felt extremely good about it and I was already hoping that we were headed for marriage (although I realized we had a ways to go still to be ready for that). I think you should think about what you mean by "we're likely to break up eventually" -- if you are just being cautious and paranoid when you say that that's one thing, but if you actually believe that your relationship is likely to end in a break-up then I don't think you should move in together. (And I think you should figure out what problems in the relationship make you think that's the case and start looking for solutions to them).
posted by parkin at 6:45 AM on May 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
I feel like the relationships that I have been in have gone through phases. The honeymoon phase at first, followed by a period of time where problems come to the surface, followed by feeling really comfortable with the other person. I think that it can be a bad idea to move in together during the honeymoon phase because it can make working through those issues that might come up really stressful. Anything that is bothering you can just be amplified because you don't have any escape from it. And then on top of it, there will be all the aspects of living with another person that can be annoying. So I'd say that you should wait longer.
Also, yes, if you are worrying about what you're going to do if you break up before you have even moved in, then that is not a great sign.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 7:36 AM on May 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Also, yes, if you are worrying about what you're going to do if you break up before you have even moved in, then that is not a great sign.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 7:36 AM on May 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I mean, it's good to have some kind of plan about what you would do if you broke up, but when you're making that plan the thought should be, "I hope we never have to worry about this" not "Yeah, we're probably going to break up soon. Good thing that my brother has a spare room".
posted by kinddieserzeit at 7:37 AM on May 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by kinddieserzeit at 7:37 AM on May 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Yeah, if you're saying that it's likely you're "likely to break up eventually," I cannot for the life of me figure out why you want to move in together. Sorry, but that's just...odd. So yep, you're about to make a big mistake. Not an irrevocable one, of course, but a big one.
posted by holborne at 7:38 AM on May 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by holborne at 7:38 AM on May 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
In addition to what everyone else says, how are you guys planning on splitting expenses? 50/50? Based on income? What if one of you loses their job? How does the other person feel about floating them, if it comes to that? Will you be expected to float each other?
Those are things every couple should answer. However, like phunnimiee says the point may be moot for you, specifically. Moving in after only four months generally only works if both people are older and experienced enough in relationships to know exactly what they want and have identified it in their partner. Going by your past questions, as of last fall you had little to no dating experience and as of February you were describing yourself as single. So this is probably not the best idea for you. Is there a reason why you can't wait on this?
posted by Anonymous at 8:01 AM on May 11, 2015
Those are things every couple should answer. However, like phunnimiee says the point may be moot for you, specifically. Moving in after only four months generally only works if both people are older and experienced enough in relationships to know exactly what they want and have identified it in their partner. Going by your past questions, as of last fall you had little to no dating experience and as of February you were describing yourself as single. So this is probably not the best idea for you. Is there a reason why you can't wait on this?
posted by Anonymous at 8:01 AM on May 11, 2015
I actually didn't even realize that you had so little dating experience. In light of that, yeah, this is a definite, no question, full stop NOPE.
posted by holborne at 8:44 AM on May 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by holborne at 8:44 AM on May 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Or, you know, maybe this is all crazy and I really just need to be enlightened as to the terrible mistake I'm about to make.
Yup, that one.
So I'm looking for things one would discover or work out naturally over the course of a year of dating that we should instead force ourselves to think about or talk about or try now.
There's nothing you're going to think about naturally over the course of a year that you can artificially game yourself into thinking about this way. That's not how life and people work. The whole reason people think about that stuff "naturally" is that IT HAPPENS NATURALLY. You can't think about "how we will react after a big fight." You have a big fight, and observe each others' behaviors, and from that you make decisions like, "ok, I could definitely deal with having SO in my space after this kind of fight." Or you have a discussion that goes like, "look, when you stonewall me after a fight I feel ___, which makes me think ___, how can we work through that?"
If you both were in, like, your mid-30s and had been in a bunch of medium or long-term relationships, with tons of self-knowledge on both sides and awesome communication, then maybe, maaaayyyybe, you could have some working hypotheticals for "typical" relationship situations that would help you predict the goodness/badness of this plan. And in that event my advice might be different, but honestly if that were your situation you probably wouldn't be asking this question.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:17 AM on May 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
Yup, that one.
So I'm looking for things one would discover or work out naturally over the course of a year of dating that we should instead force ourselves to think about or talk about or try now.
There's nothing you're going to think about naturally over the course of a year that you can artificially game yourself into thinking about this way. That's not how life and people work. The whole reason people think about that stuff "naturally" is that IT HAPPENS NATURALLY. You can't think about "how we will react after a big fight." You have a big fight, and observe each others' behaviors, and from that you make decisions like, "ok, I could definitely deal with having SO in my space after this kind of fight." Or you have a discussion that goes like, "look, when you stonewall me after a fight I feel ___, which makes me think ___, how can we work through that?"
If you both were in, like, your mid-30s and had been in a bunch of medium or long-term relationships, with tons of self-knowledge on both sides and awesome communication, then maybe, maaaayyyybe, you could have some working hypotheticals for "typical" relationship situations that would help you predict the goodness/badness of this plan. And in that event my advice might be different, but honestly if that were your situation you probably wouldn't be asking this question.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:17 AM on May 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
As a data point, I moved in with someone after approximately four months. It turned into a nightmare worse than anything else I've experienced in my life. (Admittedly, I've had a fairly sheltered life.)
However, there were some fairly obvious signs that things weren't right that at least one friend picked up on (but didn't mention) before we moved in together. So ask your friends what they think. If your partner reacts badly to the fact that you're asking your friends, that is itself a bad sign.
posted by clawsoon at 9:21 AM on May 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
However, there were some fairly obvious signs that things weren't right that at least one friend picked up on (but didn't mention) before we moved in together. So ask your friends what they think. If your partner reacts badly to the fact that you're asking your friends, that is itself a bad sign.
posted by clawsoon at 9:21 AM on May 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
I disagree that recognizing that this might not be a life-long relationship is a reason not to move in together... lots of people have good cohabitating romantic relationships that don't last forever. If your biggest concern is housing after a breakup and there aren't other red flags, figure out an exit plan in advance. Would you be able to pay rent on your own if she moved out, and vice versa? If you moved out, where would you go on short notice- is your area's rental market flexible enough to allow for you to find a place quickly? Or do you have friends/ family to stay with?
Thinking about all the possibilities/ contingencies is a good realistic life skill and doesn't mean you shouldn't be with someone. Keep it up.
posted by metasarah at 9:25 AM on May 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Thinking about all the possibilities/ contingencies is a good realistic life skill and doesn't mean you shouldn't be with someone. Keep it up.
posted by metasarah at 9:25 AM on May 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
You might want to get a two bedroom just in case you break up, in which case the person who stays has the option of getting a roommate and not having to move.
Also two bedrooms are good for giving each other space once in a while.
posted by np312 at 11:04 AM on May 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Also two bedrooms are good for giving each other space once in a while.
posted by np312 at 11:04 AM on May 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
I guess the biggest thing I would both think about on your own and talk about with your SO is WHY you are in such a rush to move in together, especially when you do not necessarily see marriage in your future. Both times that I moved in with an SO, it was because we pretty clearly saw ourselves on a potential path toward marriage, and wanted to make the additional committment to one another of living in the same home. In one case it went fairly badly and we broke up, in the other case we ended up married (yay!). I think the living together bit was an important step in figuring out our compatibility as a couple (in one case, not so much, in the other, excellent!), but it was also something I wouldn't have wanted to rush into before I already knew things were pretty dang serious with the other person.
I was struck in your post about the lack of any particular reason why you want to move in (as opposed to just continue dating). Is it financial? In that case, I would just get roommates for the time being and revisit this next year. Is it just that you love spending time together? Well, you can still do that without living in the same apartment. Is it convenience? Perhaps one of you could move closer without actually moving in. Because if your main fear of moving in together is that you're going to break up...then maybe you need some more time to develop your relationship before making what is ultimately a pretty significant committment, both financially and emotionally. No, it's not marriage, but you will have to combine your finances in a way you have not before (to pay shared bills/rent/groceries/etc.), and breaking up will become a lot more messy and complicated. I am never one to say you need to be 100% about someone to move in together -- for me at least, it has been really important to see how living together goes before making the even more significant committment of marriage. But if you're not really seeing that as a real possibility and are more concerned about the breakup aspect, I would just wait another 6 months or whatever. Afterall, if your relationship is strong and is going to last, those 6 months will be only a blip. (Believe me, my hubby and I spent a few years travelling 2 hours each way to visit each other. Sucked at the time, but now...it's just a funny story to tell about the early part of our relationship and how awesome we were for each other to get over that hurdle, you know?)
posted by rainbowbrite at 1:16 PM on May 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I was struck in your post about the lack of any particular reason why you want to move in (as opposed to just continue dating). Is it financial? In that case, I would just get roommates for the time being and revisit this next year. Is it just that you love spending time together? Well, you can still do that without living in the same apartment. Is it convenience? Perhaps one of you could move closer without actually moving in. Because if your main fear of moving in together is that you're going to break up...then maybe you need some more time to develop your relationship before making what is ultimately a pretty significant committment, both financially and emotionally. No, it's not marriage, but you will have to combine your finances in a way you have not before (to pay shared bills/rent/groceries/etc.), and breaking up will become a lot more messy and complicated. I am never one to say you need to be 100% about someone to move in together -- for me at least, it has been really important to see how living together goes before making the even more significant committment of marriage. But if you're not really seeing that as a real possibility and are more concerned about the breakup aspect, I would just wait another 6 months or whatever. Afterall, if your relationship is strong and is going to last, those 6 months will be only a blip. (Believe me, my hubby and I spent a few years travelling 2 hours each way to visit each other. Sucked at the time, but now...it's just a funny story to tell about the early part of our relationship and how awesome we were for each other to get over that hurdle, you know?)
posted by rainbowbrite at 1:16 PM on May 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Everyone seems to be telling you not to take the plunge, because you're inexperienced with relationships. Well, how else are you going to gain experience except by just doing it? I say go for it with the best intentions, try your hardest to make it work, and leave the rest to fate. You gotta start somewhere.
posted by wutangclan at 4:55 PM on May 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by wutangclan at 4:55 PM on May 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
I knew my husband for 5 years as a friend before we started dating. I moved in at around the 4 month mark. We got married 2 years later and we are still very happily married, so, uh, your scenario can work out quite well actually. YMMV
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 5:11 PM on May 11, 2015
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 5:11 PM on May 11, 2015
"The only thing holding me back is fear of breaking up messily and needing either to move out on short notice or to live for a few weeks with someone I'm not really on good terms with."
Those are legitimate fears indeed! I suggest you put this decision off for one more year, and really get to know this person inside and out as a partner, beyond the good friendship you already have established.
Don't move in with a partner you are not 100% prepared to support financially and emotionally for the entire term of your lease. I say this because job loss is common at your age and depression is also super common, and it is extra hard for folks to feel safe to leave a jobless, depressed partner when things aren't working out. Did you see this Ask on the same day as yours? In which a woman your age moved in with her college boyfriend 4 years ago and now says: "I want to earn enough money to buy a home, to raise a family. Instead, I've been supporting the two of us for basically 2 years now. It's not difficult with my job, but his share of the bills has racked up to about $8000 unpaid... And I resent him for it." So on your "things to consider list" definitely add -- how do I avoid that awful scenario?
I've been married for over 10 happy years now to a wonderful man I had dated for 3 years and 3 months before our wedding. Prior to that, we had been friends for an additional 4 years. We never lived with each other before marriage-- because of our work and professional school situations. But guess what? Spending as many weekends and overnights together as we did while each keeping our own address, we still didn't miss out on any deep secrets about what it would be like to eventually live with this person as married people. Live together before marriage or not? Never get married but live together now anyway? Anything goes as long as you have an exit strategy. The truth is there is no One True Way here. But I will say the younger either of you are, the less likely this is to end well. Just as younger folks under 25 have somewhat higher divorce rates, they also tend to have more of those messy cohabitation breakups you so rightly fear. So I say, table the idea for now in favor of just enjoying this phase of your relationship. Moving sucks anyway. There's no rush!
posted by hush at 5:30 PM on May 11, 2015
Those are legitimate fears indeed! I suggest you put this decision off for one more year, and really get to know this person inside and out as a partner, beyond the good friendship you already have established.
Don't move in with a partner you are not 100% prepared to support financially and emotionally for the entire term of your lease. I say this because job loss is common at your age and depression is also super common, and it is extra hard for folks to feel safe to leave a jobless, depressed partner when things aren't working out. Did you see this Ask on the same day as yours? In which a woman your age moved in with her college boyfriend 4 years ago and now says: "I want to earn enough money to buy a home, to raise a family. Instead, I've been supporting the two of us for basically 2 years now. It's not difficult with my job, but his share of the bills has racked up to about $8000 unpaid... And I resent him for it." So on your "things to consider list" definitely add -- how do I avoid that awful scenario?
I've been married for over 10 happy years now to a wonderful man I had dated for 3 years and 3 months before our wedding. Prior to that, we had been friends for an additional 4 years. We never lived with each other before marriage-- because of our work and professional school situations. But guess what? Spending as many weekends and overnights together as we did while each keeping our own address, we still didn't miss out on any deep secrets about what it would be like to eventually live with this person as married people. Live together before marriage or not? Never get married but live together now anyway? Anything goes as long as you have an exit strategy. The truth is there is no One True Way here. But I will say the younger either of you are, the less likely this is to end well. Just as younger folks under 25 have somewhat higher divorce rates, they also tend to have more of those messy cohabitation breakups you so rightly fear. So I say, table the idea for now in favor of just enjoying this phase of your relationship. Moving sucks anyway. There's no rush!
posted by hush at 5:30 PM on May 11, 2015
It's true that we're likely to break up eventually (unless we marry)Please carefully consider AND ACTUALLY DISCUSS WITH YOUR PARTNER what your expectations are for one, two, five years down the line, if neither of you turns out to be a serial killer and you want to keep living together. When I moved in with my ex under similar circumstances, I learned far too late in the process that my partner had some very specific assumptions about what "moving in together" meant and was not at all clear about them up front. Looking back, I wish I had been a lot more assertive and open about my expectations so we could have a conversation on the subject. Specifically, many people in our culture have the assumption that cohabitation is a brief interlude before a proposal. My partner seemed to be under the impression that this period would last approximately one year. It seems to be implicit for many people that moving in = you are about to propose. I now realize that when she was lobbying for us to move in together, she was really pushing for the relationship to become more committed in another way, and cohabitation was just step 1. So if you don't want to propose to this person in the next year or so, tell them in no uncertain terms now so you can either realign your expectations or break up now. You don't want to have that conversation after you've already mixed your vinyl collection.
Also, what you're talking about is a roommate. Yes, a romantic/sexual partner is more than just a roommate, but when you're living with someone, regardless of the nature of your relationship, you've got yourself a roommate. Consider whether this person would be a good roommate. Would they do the dishes? Clean up common spaces? Do you do these things regularly? Have your relationships with past roommates gone swimmingly or do you squabble over little things?
Another thing, if you are going to be sharing a lease and utilities you are entering into a financial relationship with this person. How are your partner's finances? This is an awkward subject to bring up, but it's a major consideration, and something you should discuss before making this decision. Does your partner pay all their bills on time every month without delay? Will they need you to cover their share of the rent sometimes? What happens if your partner loses their job or has some unexpected car repair cost? How long can you afford to pay the rent yourself? These are all concerns that should be in mind whenever you live with someone, regardless of the relationship.
posted by deathpanels at 2:32 AM on May 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
Everyone seems to be telling you not to take the plunge, because you're inexperienced with relationships. Well, how else are you going to gain experience except by just doing it?
Yea, what? I think mefi is doing the weird mefi thing again.
Maybe this will work, maybe it wont. A lot of people on here seem to think that you're just not supposed to make those decisions that are possibly mistakes(or went wrong for them in the past) when you're young.
This isn't getting your entire face tatooed or something. Best case scenario it works out and you guys stay together forever(or a really long time, or just a while). Worst case scenario you break the lease and move out in like two months.
And then... nothing irreparably horrible happens? It's not like you're going to end up in the hospital with DTs from getting out of a relationship. It might suck, and it might be some hardship but... ok?
When i moved in with my girlfriend it was just for a "month or two" until i locked down a new place. She was in the process of moving with her roommates, and i was just going to crash at their new(big) place while i figured things out. I just... didn't leave, and after the lease ran out there we got a place. We had only been see-eachother-a-couple-times-a-week dating for a while, and had known eachother for less than two years.
I think people are focusing in way too much on the "we're likely to break up eventually" thing. That's just realistic. Either you stay together literally forever, or you break up at some point. This isn't flippant or blase. It might be a bit catastrophizing or pessimistic, but yea.
I guess i'm not most of the people on here, but i don't think moving in has to be a marriage track thing. "we're over at eachothers houses/i'm constantly at their house anyways" is a totally fine reason.
The worst thing that could happen here is that you're at eachothers throats a little sooner than you would have been anyways. If you're incompatible, that would have eventually come up regardless. Either it works, and you're fine, or you just fast forward a bit to the part where it doesn't.
How is this such a horrible thing that should be avoided at all costs and is a meganope?
I just don't get it, i guess. This is something that plenty of my friends have done. Sometimes it works out, sometimes they're crashing on somebodies couch for a few weeks or a month while they figure stuff out. And... whatever?
Don't move in with a partner you are not 100% prepared to support financially and emotionally for the entire term of your lease.
This is 100% unrealistic and impossible in a lot of places. Unless you rent a bedroom in a cheapo shared house with roommates, or you both have fairly high adult middle class incomes, you're splitting a place that neither person could afford alone or you're living in a small studio.
Maybe it'll work that way when i'm in my 30s, and maybe seattle is turning in to new york... but yea, it's pretty much ye olde either you have roommates or live with a partner thing here. No one is going to be supporting someone in the shared place for months on end. They're going to be giving notice on the place and moving out.
posted by emptythought at 5:32 AM on May 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
Yea, what? I think mefi is doing the weird mefi thing again.
Maybe this will work, maybe it wont. A lot of people on here seem to think that you're just not supposed to make those decisions that are possibly mistakes(or went wrong for them in the past) when you're young.
This isn't getting your entire face tatooed or something. Best case scenario it works out and you guys stay together forever(or a really long time, or just a while). Worst case scenario you break the lease and move out in like two months.
And then... nothing irreparably horrible happens? It's not like you're going to end up in the hospital with DTs from getting out of a relationship. It might suck, and it might be some hardship but... ok?
When i moved in with my girlfriend it was just for a "month or two" until i locked down a new place. She was in the process of moving with her roommates, and i was just going to crash at their new(big) place while i figured things out. I just... didn't leave, and after the lease ran out there we got a place. We had only been see-eachother-a-couple-times-a-week dating for a while, and had known eachother for less than two years.
I think people are focusing in way too much on the "we're likely to break up eventually" thing. That's just realistic. Either you stay together literally forever, or you break up at some point. This isn't flippant or blase. It might be a bit catastrophizing or pessimistic, but yea.
I guess i'm not most of the people on here, but i don't think moving in has to be a marriage track thing. "we're over at eachothers houses/i'm constantly at their house anyways" is a totally fine reason.
The worst thing that could happen here is that you're at eachothers throats a little sooner than you would have been anyways. If you're incompatible, that would have eventually come up regardless. Either it works, and you're fine, or you just fast forward a bit to the part where it doesn't.
How is this such a horrible thing that should be avoided at all costs and is a meganope?
I just don't get it, i guess. This is something that plenty of my friends have done. Sometimes it works out, sometimes they're crashing on somebodies couch for a few weeks or a month while they figure stuff out. And... whatever?
Don't move in with a partner you are not 100% prepared to support financially and emotionally for the entire term of your lease.
This is 100% unrealistic and impossible in a lot of places. Unless you rent a bedroom in a cheapo shared house with roommates, or you both have fairly high adult middle class incomes, you're splitting a place that neither person could afford alone or you're living in a small studio.
Maybe it'll work that way when i'm in my 30s, and maybe seattle is turning in to new york... but yea, it's pretty much ye olde either you have roommates or live with a partner thing here. No one is going to be supporting someone in the shared place for months on end. They're going to be giving notice on the place and moving out.
posted by emptythought at 5:32 AM on May 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
I have some funny experience in this area. I once moved in with a boyfriend who I had been dating for FIVE years. Less than six months later, he broke up with me. I never saw it coming. I only just recently learned that it was because he had met someone else.
Well, shortly after that ordeal (and while still trying to live in the same--but now too expensive--apartment) I started dating a friend of mine from work. He had a health scare only a few months into us dating. I stayed overnight at his family's house right at the beginning of his recovery, and basically remained there for a year and a half (at their invitation!). The two of us have our own place now. I think we're doing pretty well. Living together is working for us so far.
The best advice I received in regard to moving in with my current boyfriend was from my mother. She told me to make sure I can afford the place on my own in case anything unexpected happens like it did before. I now live in a modest 1-bedroom.
Nothing is ever a sure thing, and if you want to make a leap of faith there are plenty of things you can do to make sure you have something to fall back on if things don't work out.
posted by blixapuff at 7:19 AM on May 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Well, shortly after that ordeal (and while still trying to live in the same--but now too expensive--apartment) I started dating a friend of mine from work. He had a health scare only a few months into us dating. I stayed overnight at his family's house right at the beginning of his recovery, and basically remained there for a year and a half (at their invitation!). The two of us have our own place now. I think we're doing pretty well. Living together is working for us so far.
The best advice I received in regard to moving in with my current boyfriend was from my mother. She told me to make sure I can afford the place on my own in case anything unexpected happens like it did before. I now live in a modest 1-bedroom.
Nothing is ever a sure thing, and if you want to make a leap of faith there are plenty of things you can do to make sure you have something to fall back on if things don't work out.
posted by blixapuff at 7:19 AM on May 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
I wouldn't worry so much about what happens if you break up. You'll find a way to deal. But living together can make it much harder to pull the plug on a failing relationship, and to me, staying in an unhappy situation because the logistics of breaking up seem overwhelming is worse than breaking up itself. Just another point to consider.
posted by treachery, faith, and the great river at 1:55 PM on May 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by treachery, faith, and the great river at 1:55 PM on May 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Unsomnambulist at 11:24 PM on May 10, 2015 [11 favorites]