De-friending?
May 5, 2015 7:25 AM Subscribe
A friend I hadn't seen in a decade came to visit me a few months ago, and during the visit I realized I no longer want to be friends with her. Since then I've avoided calls and messages, or responded that I don't feel like talking right now. She continues to contact me, and I'm wondering what the best way to deal with this is. Lots (and lots) of detail inside.
My best friend from high school and I hadn't seen each other in over a decade, although we kept up with each other through phone calls a few times a year. She initiated most of the calls, and the majority of them were spent with her talking about issues with her husband and some casual (and at times not-entirely-casual) relationships she'd formed with other guys outside her marriage. She has some pretty major relationship issues, and copes with them by distracting herself with other guys, which she acknowledged on some level, and said didn't have an ethical problem with. We talked about things happening in my life as well, but I think the percentage was something like 80/20 her issues/my issues. I have a good support system and lots of friends to talk to, so although it would sometimes annoy me that we mostly focused on her, I didn't mind being her support person because it seemed like she needed it a lot more than I did.
However, a few months ago she came to visit, and during the visit it became clear that she's very unhappy in her marriage, although she's unwilling to make any changes to deal with it. I suggested counseling for her or her husband, or both, and she said her husband would never consider it, and wouldn't allow her to go to a counselor either. I was disturbed by the amount of control she gives him over even small decisions, and feel that it's probably a fairly emotionally abusive situation, if not more. When I said that to her, she dismissed the idea, and said that she's not interested in trying to change things in her relationship, and that she's happy with how things are and enjoys the relationships she has outside her marriage (those are complicated as well, and she claims that she's not emotionally involved and it's just "light and fun," but also clearly gets upset and slightly obsessive if one of the other guys seems to be pulling away from her).
I'm sad for her, but I'm also currently dealing with the breakup of my 9-year relationship, and don't feel like I have the energy to cope with her issues right now. When I tried to point out that even though she says she's happy and fine with how things are, she doesn't sound or look fine about it, she was not at all receptive to that idea, or the idea that it might be possible for her to change things about her life. I think she really just wants an outlet to tell things to without being challenged to make any changes, and while I've been able to do that in the past, I don't have it in me anymore, both because I'm emotionally depleted by my own issues and because now that I understand more about her situation, I just don't agree with what's happening, and I can't provide support that I don't feel. Part of me feels like our years together deserve a conversation about how I'm feeling and where I am with this (rather than just a slow fade), but the idea of doing that just exhausts me. I've told her that I don't feel like talking, and was hoping that would be enough, but she continues to ask to talk. Do I need to have a conversation about why I don't want to talk, even if I really, really don't want to? Should I just stop responding? I have some guilt about not being available to her, but I also just don't know that I have it in me to be her friend right now.
My best friend from high school and I hadn't seen each other in over a decade, although we kept up with each other through phone calls a few times a year. She initiated most of the calls, and the majority of them were spent with her talking about issues with her husband and some casual (and at times not-entirely-casual) relationships she'd formed with other guys outside her marriage. She has some pretty major relationship issues, and copes with them by distracting herself with other guys, which she acknowledged on some level, and said didn't have an ethical problem with. We talked about things happening in my life as well, but I think the percentage was something like 80/20 her issues/my issues. I have a good support system and lots of friends to talk to, so although it would sometimes annoy me that we mostly focused on her, I didn't mind being her support person because it seemed like she needed it a lot more than I did.
However, a few months ago she came to visit, and during the visit it became clear that she's very unhappy in her marriage, although she's unwilling to make any changes to deal with it. I suggested counseling for her or her husband, or both, and she said her husband would never consider it, and wouldn't allow her to go to a counselor either. I was disturbed by the amount of control she gives him over even small decisions, and feel that it's probably a fairly emotionally abusive situation, if not more. When I said that to her, she dismissed the idea, and said that she's not interested in trying to change things in her relationship, and that she's happy with how things are and enjoys the relationships she has outside her marriage (those are complicated as well, and she claims that she's not emotionally involved and it's just "light and fun," but also clearly gets upset and slightly obsessive if one of the other guys seems to be pulling away from her).
I'm sad for her, but I'm also currently dealing with the breakup of my 9-year relationship, and don't feel like I have the energy to cope with her issues right now. When I tried to point out that even though she says she's happy and fine with how things are, she doesn't sound or look fine about it, she was not at all receptive to that idea, or the idea that it might be possible for her to change things about her life. I think she really just wants an outlet to tell things to without being challenged to make any changes, and while I've been able to do that in the past, I don't have it in me anymore, both because I'm emotionally depleted by my own issues and because now that I understand more about her situation, I just don't agree with what's happening, and I can't provide support that I don't feel. Part of me feels like our years together deserve a conversation about how I'm feeling and where I am with this (rather than just a slow fade), but the idea of doing that just exhausts me. I've told her that I don't feel like talking, and was hoping that would be enough, but she continues to ask to talk. Do I need to have a conversation about why I don't want to talk, even if I really, really don't want to? Should I just stop responding? I have some guilt about not being available to her, but I also just don't know that I have it in me to be her friend right now.
I've told her that I don't feel like talking, and was hoping that would be enough, but she continues to ask to talk. Do I need to have a conversation about why I don't want to talk, even if I really, really don't want to? Should I just stop responding? I have some guilt about not being available to her, but I also just don't know that I have it in me to be her friend right now.
You don't owe her a straight answer, but I think it's the grown-up thing to give. Give her a call or drop her an email saying that you just don't want to be friends at this point, it's nothing personal, you wish her all the best, yadda yadda yadda. (Telling her you don't feel like talking isn't clear enough - you need to say that you don't want to be friends anymore.)
It's awkward, but imagine how much it would suck to be in her shoes - trying to be friends with someone who doesn't want to maintain the friendship.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 7:37 AM on May 5, 2015 [7 favorites]
You don't owe her a straight answer, but I think it's the grown-up thing to give. Give her a call or drop her an email saying that you just don't want to be friends at this point, it's nothing personal, you wish her all the best, yadda yadda yadda. (Telling her you don't feel like talking isn't clear enough - you need to say that you don't want to be friends anymore.)
It's awkward, but imagine how much it would suck to be in her shoes - trying to be friends with someone who doesn't want to maintain the friendship.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 7:37 AM on May 5, 2015 [7 favorites]
Please let her know that you need a little space.
I am the opposite half of a BFF from high school relationship, and while my BFF has a ton of kids and is always busy, sometimes I don't know how important I am to her anymore, and it causes me a lot of strife.
posted by getawaysticks at 7:42 AM on May 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
I am the opposite half of a BFF from high school relationship, and while my BFF has a ton of kids and is always busy, sometimes I don't know how important I am to her anymore, and it causes me a lot of strife.
posted by getawaysticks at 7:42 AM on May 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Oh my gosh, when it got to the part about how your own relationship is breaking up, it put the whole thing in a different light for me. She is being so inconsiderate. Instead of addressing her issues, she is acting like an emotional vampire, using up your time and energy and goodwill. This is really not something you need to be dealing with right now.
I think you are right; explaining to her would be exhausting. She might also take it as an invitation to make some changes in hopes of keeping you around. After all, you are a great resource for her in her continuing quest to compartmentalize her life; you are someone she can talk to with no repercussions and no chance of it getting back to her spouse. This seems like a situation where you just have to detach, with all that implies.
posted by BibiRose at 7:50 AM on May 5, 2015 [7 favorites]
I think you are right; explaining to her would be exhausting. She might also take it as an invitation to make some changes in hopes of keeping you around. After all, you are a great resource for her in her continuing quest to compartmentalize her life; you are someone she can talk to with no repercussions and no chance of it getting back to her spouse. This seems like a situation where you just have to detach, with all that implies.
posted by BibiRose at 7:50 AM on May 5, 2015 [7 favorites]
But all means, de-friend her.
Tell her the truth, which is that you don't have the mental resources to pursue this friendship right now because of your break up, up to a point: and when you feel better, you'll reach out to her.
posted by Kwadeng at 8:01 AM on May 5, 2015 [7 favorites]
Tell her the truth, which is that you don't have the mental resources to pursue this friendship right now because of your break up, up to a point: and when you feel better, you'll reach out to her.
posted by Kwadeng at 8:01 AM on May 5, 2015 [7 favorites]
Best answer: You can say "I really think you need to take your problems to a therapist, instead of me. I have a lot of my own stuff going on right now and I just don't have the energy to help you with this kind of thing. I need some space to take care of myself. So I'm going to have to stop hanging out/talking with you. I hope things go well for you."
She'll be angry, people always think they have a right to demand friendship, but I think framing it as "You need help from someone who isn't me and I need to quit trying to help you," it can help you not to feel any guilt or worry about abandoning her (maybe you wouldn't, but it's the kind of thing that keeps people in one-side friendships like this). Because it's true. She needs to be taking this to a therapist, not to you.
posted by emjaybee at 8:05 AM on May 5, 2015 [22 favorites]
She'll be angry, people always think they have a right to demand friendship, but I think framing it as "You need help from someone who isn't me and I need to quit trying to help you," it can help you not to feel any guilt or worry about abandoning her (maybe you wouldn't, but it's the kind of thing that keeps people in one-side friendships like this). Because it's true. She needs to be taking this to a therapist, not to you.
posted by emjaybee at 8:05 AM on May 5, 2015 [22 favorites]
Telling her why you really don't want to talk will be emotionally challenging, and remember - the more you spell out your reasons for feeling something, the more likely people are to challenge the reasons, as if arguing will change the feeling. This sounds like a situation in which trying to justify your true feelings will get them torn down.
However, you're in a reasonable position to make a solid excuse and get her to go away. You've been very patient listening ear, and she's using you for that - so if you give her the judgmental brushoff, she will no longer have a use for you. "I don't feel that you're doing the right thing by having these outside relationships, and I don't want to hear any more about it. That's just wrong." "I can't believe you haven't left your husband, it's ridiculous and I refuse to listen to any more of your complaining if you're not going to fix the problem." Put your foot down, tell her you're not going to listen to her, and she'll stop calling.
posted by aimedwander at 8:08 AM on May 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
However, you're in a reasonable position to make a solid excuse and get her to go away. You've been very patient listening ear, and she's using you for that - so if you give her the judgmental brushoff, she will no longer have a use for you. "I don't feel that you're doing the right thing by having these outside relationships, and I don't want to hear any more about it. That's just wrong." "I can't believe you haven't left your husband, it's ridiculous and I refuse to listen to any more of your complaining if you're not going to fix the problem." Put your foot down, tell her you're not going to listen to her, and she'll stop calling.
posted by aimedwander at 8:08 AM on May 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
I like MMMD's suggestion to send her a brief text msg saying you're working on your life right now, wish her luck and try to avoid her calls and messages from now on. She may reach out to you occasionally depending on the drama in her life, do your best to ignore it. I'm betting she won't respond by asking about your life and how can she help you? I predict if she does respond it will be to complain that she needs you.
I went through something similar a year or so ago and the friend still occasionally tried contacting me, even resorting to triangulation to get to me. I tried the slow fade for a few years and she'd pop up when she had a crisis like your friend but was never there for me when I had one. Finally I told her flat out that our friendship had run it's course, she STILL didn't get it. These kind of people really are vampires!
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 8:16 AM on May 5, 2015
I went through something similar a year or so ago and the friend still occasionally tried contacting me, even resorting to triangulation to get to me. I tried the slow fade for a few years and she'd pop up when she had a crisis like your friend but was never there for me when I had one. Finally I told her flat out that our friendship had run it's course, she STILL didn't get it. These kind of people really are vampires!
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 8:16 AM on May 5, 2015
I wouldn't say anything unless she starts triangulating and getting other people involved. I had a friend like this and I finally put my foot down when she started asking other people to ask me if I would be at events and when she started working her way in to a group activity that I had arranged with some other people. It was really inappropriate of her and I had to just say No at that point. But that can lead to drama, especially with people like this (vampires is a great term)! Usually people who are 80/20 friends can be dropped simply by ignoring them (slow fade) because they aren't getting your attention, which is all they want from relationships - someone else's attention. But if she's persistent or if it's really interfering with your life I would simply say that you don't have the time or emotional energy for her right now.
She won't understand. People like that never do. Sorry your "friend" turned out to be kind of bogus. That always sucks.
posted by sockermom at 8:26 AM on May 5, 2015
She won't understand. People like that never do. Sorry your "friend" turned out to be kind of bogus. That always sucks.
posted by sockermom at 8:26 AM on May 5, 2015
*Jedi hug* I'm so sorry that you're going through your breakup and that your friend also needs your help... that is definitely a tough situation.
You mentioned that you have a good support system... which I have a feeling that she lacks either because of her possibly emotionally abusive situation or because she might have exhausted whatever support system she already had by constantly asking for their support and draining their energy. Otherwise, why would she constantly ask you to listen to her troubles?
What you can do is let her know that you yourself is going through a breakup and need some space for yourself and that you will not be able to take her calls, and that you will call her when the time is right, and reiterate whatever sources of help (e.g. individual therapy, abuse hotline) would be able to support her. By setting firm boundaries with your friend, this may be the final push for her to seek help and find a new support system.
I hope that this is a helpful suggestion for you and hope that it will ultimately be helpful for your friend...
posted by Tsukushi at 8:35 AM on May 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
You mentioned that you have a good support system... which I have a feeling that she lacks either because of her possibly emotionally abusive situation or because she might have exhausted whatever support system she already had by constantly asking for their support and draining their energy. Otherwise, why would she constantly ask you to listen to her troubles?
What you can do is let her know that you yourself is going through a breakup and need some space for yourself and that you will not be able to take her calls, and that you will call her when the time is right, and reiterate whatever sources of help (e.g. individual therapy, abuse hotline) would be able to support her. By setting firm boundaries with your friend, this may be the final push for her to seek help and find a new support system.
I hope that this is a helpful suggestion for you and hope that it will ultimately be helpful for your friend...
posted by Tsukushi at 8:35 AM on May 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
You don't have to "unfriend" people in real life, you just establish boundaries and be assertive about what you want. This could be as simple as not answering the phone right away but only calling back when you have some free time to talk and trying to stick to less personal topics. Or you could just be direct about it and say "I'm sorry, friend, but I don't think I can talk about your marriage issues, it's hard for me because I'm still getting over my breakup. I'm sorry and I want to be supportive of you but I don't have the resources myself right now." That might be disappointing for her but it's important to know this does not have to be an all or nothing thing. You can offer a model of friendship that is different from what you have now and if she still wants to continue the relationship, great, she will respond accordingly. If not, that's okay too.
posted by deathpanels at 9:00 AM on May 5, 2015 [18 favorites]
posted by deathpanels at 9:00 AM on May 5, 2015 [18 favorites]
"I don't know you well enough anymore to be comfortable hearing about your relationship issues." Either she'll button her lip about her infidelity (which sounds unlikely in this case, since it's apparent that she has a lack of boundaries) or she'll be offended enough by your frankness to walk away from you.
posted by theraflu at 9:09 AM on May 5, 2015
posted by theraflu at 9:09 AM on May 5, 2015
Best answer: Do you have a smartphone?
After you are straightforward via a short email (Friend, I am reaching out to let you know that I need some space to work on my personal life. I think you know that my LTR is/has ended, so I appreciate your understanding as I process this deeply personal life event. Be well yada yada) you need to block or hide communication from this person.
I'm pretty sure there are apps now that send assigned calls directly to voicemail so that you never have to see them, they won't ring your phone. Ditto text messages. If I were you, I would change filters and send all of her future emails into the great beyond. Not in anger! It's just, I agree this person is an emotional vampire and you shouldn't have to think about this after you send that very polite and informative email.
I don't want this person in your headspace anymore. You achieve freedom by not having to know if/when she has contacted you. Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 9:30 AM on May 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
After you are straightforward via a short email (Friend, I am reaching out to let you know that I need some space to work on my personal life. I think you know that my LTR is/has ended, so I appreciate your understanding as I process this deeply personal life event. Be well yada yada) you need to block or hide communication from this person.
I'm pretty sure there are apps now that send assigned calls directly to voicemail so that you never have to see them, they won't ring your phone. Ditto text messages. If I were you, I would change filters and send all of her future emails into the great beyond. Not in anger! It's just, I agree this person is an emotional vampire and you shouldn't have to think about this after you send that very polite and informative email.
I don't want this person in your headspace anymore. You achieve freedom by not having to know if/when she has contacted you. Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 9:30 AM on May 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
I agree with deathpanels' advice. You don't need to 'unfriend' her, unless you are really truly fed up and seriously want nothing else to do with her. In that case, by all means, do the slow fade, or the hard disappearence, give an explanation or don't give an explanation, it is all up to you and your right to do so.
You can also tell her you can't listen to her talk about A, B, or C, especially in this difficult moment for you. I once told someone who was going through a really rough time emotionally that I probably couldn't be there for her, it would be hard for me to be her friend, if she didn't also address her issues (in her case, it was getting therapy to deal with trauma). And it really wasn't because I didn't appreciate her as a person, or didn't care for her, but I knew that her trouble had the potential to suck me into it, make me feel helpless and unhelpful, while seeing quite clearly that a lot of her trouble came from her own thinking.
In her case, happily, she took the advice and went to a therapist. And we're friends. We talk about her problems too, but I feel like she's in good hands, she is working on getting and anything she talks about doesn't drive me to desperation.
Those are your boundaries and in the end, it can be her choice whether she chooses to abide by them or ignore them, and lose your friendship. In the best case, you'll give her something to think about and maybe even possibly act like a role model to her in setting her own boundaries in relationships. And in the worst case, you just walk. But you gave her fair warning.
posted by ipsative at 10:30 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
You can also tell her you can't listen to her talk about A, B, or C, especially in this difficult moment for you. I once told someone who was going through a really rough time emotionally that I probably couldn't be there for her, it would be hard for me to be her friend, if she didn't also address her issues (in her case, it was getting therapy to deal with trauma). And it really wasn't because I didn't appreciate her as a person, or didn't care for her, but I knew that her trouble had the potential to suck me into it, make me feel helpless and unhelpful, while seeing quite clearly that a lot of her trouble came from her own thinking.
In her case, happily, she took the advice and went to a therapist. And we're friends. We talk about her problems too, but I feel like she's in good hands, she is working on getting and anything she talks about doesn't drive me to desperation.
Those are your boundaries and in the end, it can be her choice whether she chooses to abide by them or ignore them, and lose your friendship. In the best case, you'll give her something to think about and maybe even possibly act like a role model to her in setting her own boundaries in relationships. And in the worst case, you just walk. But you gave her fair warning.
posted by ipsative at 10:30 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
It seems like you've already actually tried to say how much it bothers you, but she's ignored that boundary. The next step you need to figure out is what the repercussions of her ignoring that boundary are.
Personally, I'd just slow fade at this point. She seems like a pit of want and selfishness, and when you tried to establish some boundaries, she ignored them (presumably so she could continue to demand more and more). I think it's time to step up to cutting off contact via slow fading, because it seems that she won't act in good grace over your explanations. A slow fade leaves the door open to future friendships, because you can gloss over the current situation with "I just got so busy....".
She sounds like a Venter, someone who likes to talk about their problems without actually doing anything to fix them. Challenging her by solving her problems for her will leave her feeling unsatisfied, which could work in your favour.
posted by Solomon at 10:52 AM on May 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
Personally, I'd just slow fade at this point. She seems like a pit of want and selfishness, and when you tried to establish some boundaries, she ignored them (presumably so she could continue to demand more and more). I think it's time to step up to cutting off contact via slow fading, because it seems that she won't act in good grace over your explanations. A slow fade leaves the door open to future friendships, because you can gloss over the current situation with "I just got so busy....".
She sounds like a Venter, someone who likes to talk about their problems without actually doing anything to fix them. Challenging her by solving her problems for her will leave her feeling unsatisfied, which could work in your favour.
posted by Solomon at 10:52 AM on May 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
If you don't want to do the say nothing slow fade, just tell her that you're going through some life changes right now and that you're taking a break from social things to spend some time alone as you regroup and that you'll be pretty incommunicado for some time to come. Then, just be unavailable for 6-12 months.
posted by quince at 10:55 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by quince at 10:55 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: She's crossed your boundary already, so it's time to be firm about enforcing it: "Friend, I've already told you that I don't feel like talking, but yet you continue to ask me to talk. You need to knock that off. It's become increasingly clear to me that you really just want to use me as an outlet to tell things to without being challenged to make any changes, and while I've been able to do that in the past, I don't have it in me anymore, both because I'm emotionally depleted by my own issues and because now that I understand more about your situation, I just don't agree with what's happening, and I can't provide support that I don't feel. As I've already recommended to you before, therapy would be extremely helpful for you. There is nothing left here for me to discuss with you any further, and I wish you well. Good luck, You."
Then you stop responding. You follow jbenben's great suggestions for how to block her on your phone, and email, etc.
I have some guilt about not being available to her
Why? Because you finally figured out that you need to prioritize yourself and take your energy back from this emotional vampire? This right here is a sign of a fucked up, lopsided friendship. Block her and watch your life get so much better.
posted by hush at 12:30 PM on May 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
Then you stop responding. You follow jbenben's great suggestions for how to block her on your phone, and email, etc.
I have some guilt about not being available to her
Why? Because you finally figured out that you need to prioritize yourself and take your energy back from this emotional vampire? This right here is a sign of a fucked up, lopsided friendship. Block her and watch your life get so much better.
posted by hush at 12:30 PM on May 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you everyone for your suggestions and kind thoughts. I sent her a text that said basically, "I'm not in a good place to talk right now. I don't know when that will change, but in the meantime I won't be communicating." I think that will probably be the end of it (hopefully) for at least a while, but if not, I will block communications from her.
I particularly appreciate how supportive everyone's comments were, and already feel like a weight has been lifted after setting this boundary (more clearly, anyway). I know I shouldn't need permission to do that, but on some level I guess I did, so thanks again.
posted by odayoday at 1:20 PM on May 5, 2015 [17 favorites]
I particularly appreciate how supportive everyone's comments were, and already feel like a weight has been lifted after setting this boundary (more clearly, anyway). I know I shouldn't need permission to do that, but on some level I guess I did, so thanks again.
posted by odayoday at 1:20 PM on May 5, 2015 [17 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
This is someone you hadn't seen face to face for over a DECADE.
You saw each other recently, and you're the new flavor of the month.
And it's exhausting.
Remember that people come into our lives for A Reason, A Season, or A Lifetime, and she seems to fall into the first two, as opposed to the last, which is really reserved for only a handful of people in your life.
IF The Slow Fade doesn't work, and she's not a big Hint Taker, you may have to text her a brief statement along the lines of "Sorry I've been incommunicado, but I've got a lot going on right now and it's taking all I can muster to hold it together for myself as well as offer a sympathetic ear to your problems. I need to focus on this. I wish you the best and take care out there."
Or some such.
Others may be able to phrase it better than I can, but it may take some sort of "That's all folks!" to really drive the point home in a kind and positive way.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 7:37 AM on May 5, 2015 [3 favorites]