How do I deal with these complicated feelings?
April 28, 2015 11:43 PM Subscribe
At the last minute this evening, my SO changed our plans due to the needs of his ex. This isn't the first time it's happened. How do I handle this type of situation without feeling like a jerk?
My SO is a kind, thoughtful, reliable human being. He's dependable . . . except when his ex, I'll call her 'A', is involved. They have a seven year old son that they share custody of 50/50.
Once a month or so (sometimes less), a situation will arise suddenly that will cause A to call my SO and ask him to pick up their son immediately. Usually it is because she feels sick or has a migraine. Almost always, these phone calls mean that my plans with my SO get cancelled or changed.
I work very hard to stay positive when my SO receives these texts or phone calls from A. I know that they are stressful for him. I am typically very accommodating and say that I understand if he needs to leave early or if we need to alter our plans because we will have his son. This is not the problem.
Tonight, my SO called me half an hour before our scheduled plans to spend the evening together to tell me that A had a headache and needed him to pick up their son across town (an added two hour drive for him after work). Due to the nature of our plans, this meant that I either needed to go home and pack a bag, then drive across town (since we'd initially been planning on him coming to my place), or just not see each other tonight.
For the first time in the history of our relationship, I did not accommodate the change in plans. I said that we could spend time together another night this week. I feel horrible, though. Mostly because I miss my SO and was looking forward to seeing him all day long. The worst part, however, is this little voice inside of me that keeps whispering that he is choosing A's needs over mine. Up until now, I have rationalized these sudden changes in plans by thinking about what a great dad my SO is. Today, however, I am wondering for the first time if this is about my SO placing A's feelings/well being before our relationship.
How do I rationalize my SO's actions? Is he just being a conscientious parent or do I have genuine cause for concern? As we talk about our future together, what is my role? I can't imagine living in a scenario where my plans and feelings are always at the mercy of how A is feeling.
I love my SO and want this to work . . . help me, MeFi!
My SO is a kind, thoughtful, reliable human being. He's dependable . . . except when his ex, I'll call her 'A', is involved. They have a seven year old son that they share custody of 50/50.
Once a month or so (sometimes less), a situation will arise suddenly that will cause A to call my SO and ask him to pick up their son immediately. Usually it is because she feels sick or has a migraine. Almost always, these phone calls mean that my plans with my SO get cancelled or changed.
I work very hard to stay positive when my SO receives these texts or phone calls from A. I know that they are stressful for him. I am typically very accommodating and say that I understand if he needs to leave early or if we need to alter our plans because we will have his son. This is not the problem.
Tonight, my SO called me half an hour before our scheduled plans to spend the evening together to tell me that A had a headache and needed him to pick up their son across town (an added two hour drive for him after work). Due to the nature of our plans, this meant that I either needed to go home and pack a bag, then drive across town (since we'd initially been planning on him coming to my place), or just not see each other tonight.
For the first time in the history of our relationship, I did not accommodate the change in plans. I said that we could spend time together another night this week. I feel horrible, though. Mostly because I miss my SO and was looking forward to seeing him all day long. The worst part, however, is this little voice inside of me that keeps whispering that he is choosing A's needs over mine. Up until now, I have rationalized these sudden changes in plans by thinking about what a great dad my SO is. Today, however, I am wondering for the first time if this is about my SO placing A's feelings/well being before our relationship.
How do I rationalize my SO's actions? Is he just being a conscientious parent or do I have genuine cause for concern? As we talk about our future together, what is my role? I can't imagine living in a scenario where my plans and feelings are always at the mercy of how A is feeling.
I love my SO and want this to work . . . help me, MeFi!
Have you talked about these feelings with your SO? Your post makes it sound like you've been trying to hide your discomfort and navigate this pretty complex territory on your own. I can understand (and probably support) your choice to stay positive in the heated times when your SO gets the call and the immediate aftermath. But I think it's pretty important for you to--during some other time, when things are calm and warm between the two of you--bring these feelings up.
Maybe, if this had only happened once, you could keep those feelings to yourself and it would be fine. But my experience is that if something happens again and again and I don't express squirmy feelings about it, those squirms and voices just get bigger and louder and more insistent.
That said, I do have some thoughts about how you might think of this in a way that feels less stressful. Given what you've described, it sounds to me like your SO is prioritizing his son's needs over the plans you two have made, not A's needs. It makes sense that the two might seem a bit conflated. Here's how I would try to disentangle them: has your SO ever changed your plans because A called out of the blue and asked for help or support around something other than their son? If so, well, that could be a cause for concern. Although not necessarily--she could still be part of his family, in a sense, without that being a problem. If not, well, that's a pretty clear sign this is about his son.
Here's another way you could think about this. How much of your discomfort arises from the fact that A is his ex, and thus, at least on a symbolic level, a potential rival for your SO's romantic attention? I mean, if you imagine that your SO has taken on parenting 50/50 his nephew and that A was his brother, would that change how you felt?
Something else you could do, post-conversation with SO, would be to ask him for some kind of sign or ritual that reassures you when he has to do this cancelling plan thing. Something that communicates to you that you are important to him, that you're special, that he cares about you, that you play a role in his life that A doesn't anymore and won't again.
posted by overglow at 12:13 AM on April 29, 2015 [11 favorites]
Maybe, if this had only happened once, you could keep those feelings to yourself and it would be fine. But my experience is that if something happens again and again and I don't express squirmy feelings about it, those squirms and voices just get bigger and louder and more insistent.
That said, I do have some thoughts about how you might think of this in a way that feels less stressful. Given what you've described, it sounds to me like your SO is prioritizing his son's needs over the plans you two have made, not A's needs. It makes sense that the two might seem a bit conflated. Here's how I would try to disentangle them: has your SO ever changed your plans because A called out of the blue and asked for help or support around something other than their son? If so, well, that could be a cause for concern. Although not necessarily--she could still be part of his family, in a sense, without that being a problem. If not, well, that's a pretty clear sign this is about his son.
Here's another way you could think about this. How much of your discomfort arises from the fact that A is his ex, and thus, at least on a symbolic level, a potential rival for your SO's romantic attention? I mean, if you imagine that your SO has taken on parenting 50/50 his nephew and that A was his brother, would that change how you felt?
Something else you could do, post-conversation with SO, would be to ask him for some kind of sign or ritual that reassures you when he has to do this cancelling plan thing. Something that communicates to you that you are important to him, that you're special, that he cares about you, that you play a role in his life that A doesn't anymore and won't again.
posted by overglow at 12:13 AM on April 29, 2015 [11 favorites]
He is choosing his son's needs over yours, which - forgive me - is good and right in a father of a seven year old child.
Reframe this in your head by thinking about what happens to his kid in these situations, how his mother would treat him, how a seven year old would interpret that and feel.
It's frustrating that your boyfriend is being held hostage by crappy parenting, but any decent person would put their kid's needs first in that situation. At least, the kind of person I want to date would.
posted by smoke at 12:13 AM on April 29, 2015 [17 favorites]
Reframe this in your head by thinking about what happens to his kid in these situations, how his mother would treat him, how a seven year old would interpret that and feel.
It's frustrating that your boyfriend is being held hostage by crappy parenting, but any decent person would put their kid's needs first in that situation. At least, the kind of person I want to date would.
posted by smoke at 12:13 AM on April 29, 2015 [17 favorites]
He is being a conscientious parent. Expect this to continue and learn to live with it. Suggest you turn it around and be grateful - if the child were your son you would be happy that he takes such good care of him and if the two you have children know that your SO is a good father.
Longer term you might want to encourage him living closer to his son so that this changes in plans are not so disruptive but honestly once a month is not bad.
posted by zia at 12:14 AM on April 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
Longer term you might want to encourage him living closer to his son so that this changes in plans are not so disruptive but honestly once a month is not bad.
posted by zia at 12:14 AM on April 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
It is not about him being at the mercy of whatever A is feeling, it's about being a responsible parent who takes care of his son. And thank god he is. So you can either hope that he turns into a shitty parent who doesn't care if his child is properly looked after so he can go on a date instead or you accept that he will always be there for his kid, and this is how your life will be when you date a person who is a decent parent. This bodes well if you hope to have children with him yourself, you know.
Or you can cut him loose and find someone unencumbered who can be yours, all yours. There's nothing wrong with wanting that, by the way. You'll never have it with this guy, though.
posted by Jubey at 12:14 AM on April 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
Or you can cut him loose and find someone unencumbered who can be yours, all yours. There's nothing wrong with wanting that, by the way. You'll never have it with this guy, though.
posted by Jubey at 12:14 AM on April 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
Your SO needs to make an adjustment if he expects to have a relationship with you or anyone else.
The seven year old does not need to be picked up if mom isn't feeling well. That's ridiculous! If it is her time with custody and she can't deal, then she needs family to help out, or a babysitter, or other similar arrangements. She's not doing 50/50 - it's more like 30/70. Fair enough. But where is your SO on this?
Easiest would be he gets 100% custody, then he hires a babysitter while you guys go out. I guess that means no overnights until you and he are more serious, but at least your SO is in control of his life and his time again.
In short, this is not how divorce and healthy co-parenting works. YOU DID GREAT TODAY.
I don't know how you get him to stop falling for his ex wife's shenanigans. I suspect you can't. I recommend respectfully walking away, or get yourself prepared to walk.
Love isn't a feeling, it's an action. You're right, your boyfriend is not showing himself and you the respect required to have a thriving relationship. He's also modeling poor behavior for his son. He's teaching his son that Love=Manipulation/Coercion.
This guy thinks he's doing the right thing, and that he has no choice. In fact, he has choices and giving in is doing the wrong thing for himself, for his son, and you.
Maybe your boyfriend fell into this dysfunctional rut with his ex by accident? I think you have to use your words without being too shaming. If BF gets it and agrees it is time to draw boundaries, great. If there are practical or legal concerns preventing him from drawing civilized boundaries with his ex, then maybe he's not available to date anyone seriously, y'know?
I don't suggest putting up with it for too long. It's OK to end a relationship based on this incompatibility. He's not a bad person, but he should not have presented himself as dating or commitment ready when he is clearly the opposite.
posted by jbenben at 12:33 AM on April 29, 2015 [39 favorites]
The seven year old does not need to be picked up if mom isn't feeling well. That's ridiculous! If it is her time with custody and she can't deal, then she needs family to help out, or a babysitter, or other similar arrangements. She's not doing 50/50 - it's more like 30/70. Fair enough. But where is your SO on this?
Easiest would be he gets 100% custody, then he hires a babysitter while you guys go out. I guess that means no overnights until you and he are more serious, but at least your SO is in control of his life and his time again.
In short, this is not how divorce and healthy co-parenting works. YOU DID GREAT TODAY.
I don't know how you get him to stop falling for his ex wife's shenanigans. I suspect you can't. I recommend respectfully walking away, or get yourself prepared to walk.
Love isn't a feeling, it's an action. You're right, your boyfriend is not showing himself and you the respect required to have a thriving relationship. He's also modeling poor behavior for his son. He's teaching his son that Love=Manipulation/Coercion.
This guy thinks he's doing the right thing, and that he has no choice. In fact, he has choices and giving in is doing the wrong thing for himself, for his son, and you.
Maybe your boyfriend fell into this dysfunctional rut with his ex by accident? I think you have to use your words without being too shaming. If BF gets it and agrees it is time to draw boundaries, great. If there are practical or legal concerns preventing him from drawing civilized boundaries with his ex, then maybe he's not available to date anyone seriously, y'know?
I don't suggest putting up with it for too long. It's OK to end a relationship based on this incompatibility. He's not a bad person, but he should not have presented himself as dating or commitment ready when he is clearly the opposite.
posted by jbenben at 12:33 AM on April 29, 2015 [39 favorites]
I just want to add that my child is four years old, and while I am not divorced, I know many that are. I can't believe how many people think this is about the son. I've never seen successful co-parenting work this way, even when one parent has a chronic illness or demanding unpredictable job.
posted by jbenben at 12:38 AM on April 29, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by jbenben at 12:38 AM on April 29, 2015 [11 favorites]
oooof! This stuff is so tough... And you are in a no win situation. If your man feels like this is how he is being a good parent and the right thing to do then it will be near impossible to get things to change and then any breakdown in relations will be seen as your fault.
For me the right thing to do was stop dating men with children... I was never going to be happy being second priority.
Good luck!
posted by catspajammies at 12:43 AM on April 29, 2015
For me the right thing to do was stop dating men with children... I was never going to be happy being second priority.
Good luck!
posted by catspajammies at 12:43 AM on April 29, 2015
Your boyfriend could also stop mentioning you and any schedule of plans you have together, if he does. IDK if that's a factor, but I suggest trying it before more direct measures. Who knows? It might do the trick.
posted by jbenben at 12:44 AM on April 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by jbenben at 12:44 AM on April 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
I can't believe how many people think this is about the son.
And it's not because you say it isn't? It seems much more likely its about the son than anything else. Maybe the child's mother doesn't have a sitter on standby, or is too ill to arrange it, or he is happy to get the extra time with his son. I'm sorry but I think you (OP) are being a bit unreasonable and need to either accept this is how he handles his role as a father, or move on for all of your sakes. He sounds caring and devoted to me.
posted by JenMarie at 2:09 AM on April 29, 2015 [15 favorites]
And it's not because you say it isn't? It seems much more likely its about the son than anything else. Maybe the child's mother doesn't have a sitter on standby, or is too ill to arrange it, or he is happy to get the extra time with his son. I'm sorry but I think you (OP) are being a bit unreasonable and need to either accept this is how he handles his role as a father, or move on for all of your sakes. He sounds caring and devoted to me.
posted by JenMarie at 2:09 AM on April 29, 2015 [15 favorites]
Sorry, OP, I think that sounded harsh to call you unreasonable. I think it's okay if you decide this relationship isn't for you. I just don't think your boyfriend is doing anything wrong.
posted by JenMarie at 2:12 AM on April 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by JenMarie at 2:12 AM on April 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
I can't believe how many people think this is about the son.
I largely agree with jbenben, but I'm going to split the difference (or split hairs?) and say it's about SO's boundaries in the context of (co-)parenting. I see two possibilities: 1) Ex is doing this solely to jerk around SO; or 2) Ex either doesn't prioritize the kid or has something that gets in the way of her prioritizing the kid.
If it's the first, then obviously SO needs to make like his girlfriend and set some boundaries (yes! you did do great today!). His ex probably isn't a pleasant mom to be around in those cases, but this is probably more of your boyfriend reacting to her than it is about his son. BUT, if she's not doing this to get SO's attention and is doing this either because of work or some kind of an illness, man, that's a little tougher.
The seven year old does not need to be picked up if mom isn't feeling well. That's ridiculous! If it is her time with custody and she can't deal, then she needs family to help out, or a babysitter, or other similar arrangements.
This I have to disagree with a little. The objective reading for me is: this is his kid! they live in the same town! this guy used to see his kid every day and now he doesn't get to, and it's reallyreally hard to say no to that, especially when it's lumped in with the fact that the ex says she's not feeling well/has to work late AND plans with girlfriend instead. If they haven't clearly spelled out "Your week, your job" (and it sounds like they haven't), then it could be easy to feel like instead of saying that he's saying something more like: "Listen son, too bad about your mom, but Daddy's got a date!" If this is something he wants to do for himself and his son - spend more time with him when he can, insufferable ex notwithstanding, - then this might have to be a cost of doing business with him.
The personal reading for me is my own childhood with a BPD/NPD mom: I resent my dad enough as it is, but if they'd been divorced, he lived in town, and took a hard-line "your week, your job" when my mom had "headaches," I don't even know how helpless I'd feel. And I'm NOT saying that the situation is exactly like this - it almost certainly isn't - but if there's an illness or work that is causing her to be unable or unwilling to care for her son every month or so, it's hard for me to advocate for your boyfriend drawing a bright boundary for his own sake at the potential expense of his son. Babysitters/family aren't the same as Dad, especially when Mom is sick or being a crappy parent.
But also: Once a month or so (sometimes less) That's really not that often, to me. I have several divorced friends with kids/step-kids and they have things come up about as often, if not more frequently.
Ultimately, though, you get to decide how often is too often for you, and then communicate that to him. I suggest having a frank conversation with him about how you felt tonight and what to do when this comes up again. If the ex is giving him the runaround with the headache thing, then keeping your plans from her is a band-aid and doesn't change the fact that you're seeing a guy who can't say no to his ex.
I'm sorry, this sucks. It sounds like your boyfriend would like some firmer boundaries with her though, so maybe by expressing yours to him it will inspire him to do so to her.
posted by good lorneing at 2:20 AM on April 29, 2015 [16 favorites]
I largely agree with jbenben, but I'm going to split the difference (or split hairs?) and say it's about SO's boundaries in the context of (co-)parenting. I see two possibilities: 1) Ex is doing this solely to jerk around SO; or 2) Ex either doesn't prioritize the kid or has something that gets in the way of her prioritizing the kid.
If it's the first, then obviously SO needs to make like his girlfriend and set some boundaries (yes! you did do great today!). His ex probably isn't a pleasant mom to be around in those cases, but this is probably more of your boyfriend reacting to her than it is about his son. BUT, if she's not doing this to get SO's attention and is doing this either because of work or some kind of an illness, man, that's a little tougher.
The seven year old does not need to be picked up if mom isn't feeling well. That's ridiculous! If it is her time with custody and she can't deal, then she needs family to help out, or a babysitter, or other similar arrangements.
This I have to disagree with a little. The objective reading for me is: this is his kid! they live in the same town! this guy used to see his kid every day and now he doesn't get to, and it's reallyreally hard to say no to that, especially when it's lumped in with the fact that the ex says she's not feeling well/has to work late AND plans with girlfriend instead. If they haven't clearly spelled out "Your week, your job" (and it sounds like they haven't), then it could be easy to feel like instead of saying that he's saying something more like: "Listen son, too bad about your mom, but Daddy's got a date!" If this is something he wants to do for himself and his son - spend more time with him when he can, insufferable ex notwithstanding, - then this might have to be a cost of doing business with him.
The personal reading for me is my own childhood with a BPD/NPD mom: I resent my dad enough as it is, but if they'd been divorced, he lived in town, and took a hard-line "your week, your job" when my mom had "headaches," I don't even know how helpless I'd feel. And I'm NOT saying that the situation is exactly like this - it almost certainly isn't - but if there's an illness or work that is causing her to be unable or unwilling to care for her son every month or so, it's hard for me to advocate for your boyfriend drawing a bright boundary for his own sake at the potential expense of his son. Babysitters/family aren't the same as Dad, especially when Mom is sick or being a crappy parent.
But also: Once a month or so (sometimes less) That's really not that often, to me. I have several divorced friends with kids/step-kids and they have things come up about as often, if not more frequently.
Ultimately, though, you get to decide how often is too often for you, and then communicate that to him. I suggest having a frank conversation with him about how you felt tonight and what to do when this comes up again. If the ex is giving him the runaround with the headache thing, then keeping your plans from her is a band-aid and doesn't change the fact that you're seeing a guy who can't say no to his ex.
I'm sorry, this sucks. It sounds like your boyfriend would like some firmer boundaries with her though, so maybe by expressing yours to him it will inspire him to do so to her.
posted by good lorneing at 2:20 AM on April 29, 2015 [16 favorites]
Growing up, my dad did this sort of thing occasionally if my mom was sick and other options fell through. His wife had a major problem with it. If you're planning to have a relationship with the son, just be aware that this sort of thing will drive a wedge in a stepparent relationship as well.
That said, I hope that the mom would trade a day of parenting and give you both a second chance for your date night, or is similarly accommodating when your partner is ill.
posted by tchemgrrl at 2:35 AM on April 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
That said, I hope that the mom would trade a day of parenting and give you both a second chance for your date night, or is similarly accommodating when your partner is ill.
posted by tchemgrrl at 2:35 AM on April 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
Once a month, or sometimes less than once a month, you have to cancel plans so your SO can look after their kid? If you're ever planning to be a parent/step-parent, guess what, once a month, or sometimes less (or sometimes more), you will have to cancel plans to look after your kid. That's just how it is. If you don't like that, don't have kids and don't date people who do. I don't mean to be harsh, I just mean it in a "maybe this relationship isn't the right match" way.
If this was happening like every week it would be a different story, but once a month is well within normal limits for "changes of schedule due to unexpected events" when you have kids.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 2:56 AM on April 29, 2015 [37 favorites]
If this was happening like every week it would be a different story, but once a month is well within normal limits for "changes of schedule due to unexpected events" when you have kids.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 2:56 AM on April 29, 2015 [37 favorites]
He's not canceling plans to go over and fix his ex's shower or install a lightbulb. He's canceling plans to go pick up his kid. Unexpected, last minute surprises are the nature of raising a seven year old. So yes, his kid is more important to him than you are, which means he's a good dad. If you can't handle that, don't date a dad. (And I don't mean that you have to twist yourself into a pretzel to also accommodate his kid's needs. Your staying home and not seeing him on these nights is way more logical than hauling your stuff across town. But you do need to be ok with this happening if you're going to continue to date him.)
posted by MsMolly at 3:27 AM on April 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by MsMolly at 3:27 AM on April 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
The charitable reading: she truly has debilitating headaches that compromise her ability to supervise and care for a child, in which case it's good that he's willing to step in and take care of his son. The cynical reading: she's a crap parent and is inventing these illnesses to avoid responsibility, in which case it's still good that he's willing to step in and be a good parent for his son.
I think it's good for you to stand up for yourself and communicate your needs. I think there are probably ways to come up with alternate plans: know any trustworthy sitters who are available on short notice? But the reality is that a dependent child is a higher priority than a romantic partner. Not because the child is better or anything, but because his options and his ability to advocate for himself are limited to what his parents can do. You can decide to cancel plans and stay home; he can't.
It's odd that, in your above-the-fold question, you phrase this problem as "the needs of his ex" and don't mention the kid. It's a completely different question when you add in that very important part. I wonder if that's deliberately disingenuous framing, or if you don't really grasp what it's like to be a divorced parent. Please don't conflate your SO's son with his ex, and please don't categorize him as "on her side." That will only increase tension, and if it comes to the point where your SO has to choose between you and his son, he will choose his son. He has to.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:29 AM on April 29, 2015 [20 favorites]
I think it's good for you to stand up for yourself and communicate your needs. I think there are probably ways to come up with alternate plans: know any trustworthy sitters who are available on short notice? But the reality is that a dependent child is a higher priority than a romantic partner. Not because the child is better or anything, but because his options and his ability to advocate for himself are limited to what his parents can do. You can decide to cancel plans and stay home; he can't.
It's odd that, in your above-the-fold question, you phrase this problem as "the needs of his ex" and don't mention the kid. It's a completely different question when you add in that very important part. I wonder if that's deliberately disingenuous framing, or if you don't really grasp what it's like to be a divorced parent. Please don't conflate your SO's son with his ex, and please don't categorize him as "on her side." That will only increase tension, and if it comes to the point where your SO has to choose between you and his son, he will choose his son. He has to.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:29 AM on April 29, 2015 [20 favorites]
OK, his ex is manipulative and sucky. Or maybe she's really sick all the time, I don't know. But I could easily see a scenario where she's using a shared child to manipulate and control her ex and keep him from moving to another relationship.
BUT, his response puts his son's needs before anyone else, and that is a perfect response. What should he do? Even if the mother is not truly sick or whatever, what message does it say to the kid that "Mom is sick and doesn't want me, and Dad won't come get me?" Your boyfriend is doing the right thing by his kid.
Without getting into the larger issue of how he might change the situation through custody solutions (that is his decision, not yours), this is the package that comes with this man. The manipulative ex and the stand-up character trait in your boyfriend that he will drive two hours out of his way to take care of his kid. That's the package. No substitutions.
Now, without trying to change or blame or negotiate, can you accept this package?
I, myself, do not date men with kids. At my age, I'd probably have more dates if I did and I'm probably missing out on getting to know some really great people. However, I know myself - I'm prone to be impatient and very set in my ways, so it would upset me, too, if my plans were always subject to change for the needs of a child. I have some insight on this from growing up with a single parent who dated aggressively in the search for a stable father figure. I'm not mother figure material - a good parent would know this and not want to date me, a not-so-good parent and I wouldn't get along because my inner child would be calling his shit for not being a good parent. So I don't date men with kids.
It's an OK deal-breaker to have, as far as I'm concerned.
posted by mibo at 4:03 AM on April 29, 2015 [8 favorites]
BUT, his response puts his son's needs before anyone else, and that is a perfect response. What should he do? Even if the mother is not truly sick or whatever, what message does it say to the kid that "Mom is sick and doesn't want me, and Dad won't come get me?" Your boyfriend is doing the right thing by his kid.
Without getting into the larger issue of how he might change the situation through custody solutions (that is his decision, not yours), this is the package that comes with this man. The manipulative ex and the stand-up character trait in your boyfriend that he will drive two hours out of his way to take care of his kid. That's the package. No substitutions.
Now, without trying to change or blame or negotiate, can you accept this package?
I, myself, do not date men with kids. At my age, I'd probably have more dates if I did and I'm probably missing out on getting to know some really great people. However, I know myself - I'm prone to be impatient and very set in my ways, so it would upset me, too, if my plans were always subject to change for the needs of a child. I have some insight on this from growing up with a single parent who dated aggressively in the search for a stable father figure. I'm not mother figure material - a good parent would know this and not want to date me, a not-so-good parent and I wouldn't get along because my inner child would be calling his shit for not being a good parent. So I don't date men with kids.
It's an OK deal-breaker to have, as far as I'm concerned.
posted by mibo at 4:03 AM on April 29, 2015 [8 favorites]
The charitable reading: she truly has debilitating headaches that compromise her ability to supervise and care for a child, in which case it's good that he's willing to step in and take care of his son.
I just wanted to throw in, I get occasional migraines. They start without any obvious precursor and within 10 minutes I am unable to see about 25-50% of my field of vision, struggle to have conversations and cannot read or write. Plus I feel nauseous and am photophobic. I go home, take a pill and sleep. I can barely look after myself in this situation so if I had child care responsibilities it would be a matter of finding someone really quickly to look after the child. I am given to understand this is not straightforward - the obvious candidate would be the other parent. So this charitable reading is certainly distinctly possible. A migraine is often not just a headache.
posted by biffa at 4:39 AM on April 29, 2015 [32 favorites]
I just wanted to throw in, I get occasional migraines. They start without any obvious precursor and within 10 minutes I am unable to see about 25-50% of my field of vision, struggle to have conversations and cannot read or write. Plus I feel nauseous and am photophobic. I go home, take a pill and sleep. I can barely look after myself in this situation so if I had child care responsibilities it would be a matter of finding someone really quickly to look after the child. I am given to understand this is not straightforward - the obvious candidate would be the other parent. So this charitable reading is certainly distinctly possible. A migraine is often not just a headache.
posted by biffa at 4:39 AM on April 29, 2015 [32 favorites]
In addition to all of the above, I would also point out that you can make the choice to be disappointed without assigning blame for your feelings to your SO, his ex, or their son. Life happens. Life with kids happens a lot.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:45 AM on April 29, 2015 [26 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 4:45 AM on April 29, 2015 [26 favorites]
I think it really depends a lot on how he feels about it. It could be that that's actually their childcare arrangement - the other parent covers in the event of an emergency instead of having hard "my week, your week" splits. Some parents really are more amicable than others.
How does he tell you about the change of plans? If he says "guess what, A's got a headache again. Her irresponsibility really pisses me off but I can't leave son at the school gates", fine you can start a discussion about him setting boundaries. If he says "yay, A's letting me take son tonight! I don't see the little guy enough" then it's a complete non-starter.
Is there a grandmother in the picture (on either side)? Or aunts/uncles? Maybe somebody else could provide some emergency babysitting for a few hours when you two have plans. You might feel less resentful if you still got to do part of your date.
posted by tinkletown at 6:19 AM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
How does he tell you about the change of plans? If he says "guess what, A's got a headache again. Her irresponsibility really pisses me off but I can't leave son at the school gates", fine you can start a discussion about him setting boundaries. If he says "yay, A's letting me take son tonight! I don't see the little guy enough" then it's a complete non-starter.
Is there a grandmother in the picture (on either side)? Or aunts/uncles? Maybe somebody else could provide some emergency babysitting for a few hours when you two have plans. You might feel less resentful if you still got to do part of your date.
posted by tinkletown at 6:19 AM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
The seven year old does not need to be picked up if mom isn't feeling well. That's ridiculous!
It's 3 pm. He has to be picked up from school in 15 mintues, and Mom has a migraine that usually lasts 1-2 hours and prevents her from driving. It's not necessarily ridiculous.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:32 AM on April 29, 2015 [30 favorites]
It's 3 pm. He has to be picked up from school in 15 mintues, and Mom has a migraine that usually lasts 1-2 hours and prevents her from driving. It's not necessarily ridiculous.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:32 AM on April 29, 2015 [30 favorites]
My guess is that this is not going to change until his son is much older. You need to decide if you can happily live with the situation. It may be easier to do so if you think about this in terms of his relationship with his son, which I'm guessing is how he views the situation. To me, he sounds like a loyal, nurturing, loving, and dependable parent, and those same qualities are things you appreciate in your relationship with him.
posted by Area Man at 6:48 AM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Area Man at 6:48 AM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
As a way to frame or to make it easier to accept, would you want to date a parent so selfish and uncaring they didn't put the needs of their child first? Either the ex is sick or a terrible parent, the guy knows one way or the other I'm sure, but it is irrelevant. If he doesn't go get his son he's saying to his child I don't want you around either. Who would want to date a man that could do that to a child? How you handle these changes of plans might be something the two of you can discuss and work or together so it feels like a team decision not a competition with him having to choose one or the other and you feeling like you aren't being considered.
posted by wwax at 6:52 AM on April 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by wwax at 6:52 AM on April 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
This is a case for needing to see the overall picture. As MsMolly said above, is he also accommodating her wishes for other things? Is he fixing things at her place, making grocery runs for her, spending excessive time on the phone with her, etc? If so, then yes, he's most likely still in her warp and it will take time for him to see the damage it does to other relationships.
If not, most likely his brain isn't thinking much beyond "my kid needs me, I'm going to go get my kid." And that's OK. If A has a headache or not isn't really the issue - she's saying she is, your boyfriend can't play the validation game without having to spend an inordinate amount of time with her, and so he goes and takes care of the part he can - his kid.
What you can do, however, is talk to him about it and, if needed, a therapist that specializes in step family situations about it. It's hard. Part of you will always feel like you're playing second fiddle to his ex because she gets control over parts of how your family works. It takes time and a lot of soul-searching to realize that, guess what? It's OK to make the choice to stay home instead of shifting your life around, too. It might suck to not see your boyfriend, but bending over backwards to accommodate "A's" headaches is the domain of your boyfriend because of his son, not your domain. Seriously. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Each and every time you can make the choice to change the plans or not. And it's OK to decide differently each time depending on how you're feeling.
Communicate your frustrations to him about it, but be sure not to blame him for it. I'm a stepparent myself, and I have had to communicate similar frustrations when my husband's ex tries to interfere. She still does. She still thinks she should be able to have him do things like assemble a couch for her. But, I tell my husband that I am frustrated with her changing custody at the drop of a hat (despite the agreement) and her overstepping her bounds, and that I am going to leave the house for a while / play a video game / work on my school / etc and basically give it no more of my time and energy. He understands. He's frustrated by her, too. And he knows that this is his issue, not mine to handle.
You might have to explore where your boundaries lie, and if he is crossing them inadvertently or if this is just normal, healthy frustration. Feel free to memail me if you want to talk more.
posted by skittlekicks at 7:02 AM on April 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
If not, most likely his brain isn't thinking much beyond "my kid needs me, I'm going to go get my kid." And that's OK. If A has a headache or not isn't really the issue - she's saying she is, your boyfriend can't play the validation game without having to spend an inordinate amount of time with her, and so he goes and takes care of the part he can - his kid.
What you can do, however, is talk to him about it and, if needed, a therapist that specializes in step family situations about it. It's hard. Part of you will always feel like you're playing second fiddle to his ex because she gets control over parts of how your family works. It takes time and a lot of soul-searching to realize that, guess what? It's OK to make the choice to stay home instead of shifting your life around, too. It might suck to not see your boyfriend, but bending over backwards to accommodate "A's" headaches is the domain of your boyfriend because of his son, not your domain. Seriously. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Each and every time you can make the choice to change the plans or not. And it's OK to decide differently each time depending on how you're feeling.
Communicate your frustrations to him about it, but be sure not to blame him for it. I'm a stepparent myself, and I have had to communicate similar frustrations when my husband's ex tries to interfere. She still does. She still thinks she should be able to have him do things like assemble a couch for her. But, I tell my husband that I am frustrated with her changing custody at the drop of a hat (despite the agreement) and her overstepping her bounds, and that I am going to leave the house for a while / play a video game / work on my school / etc and basically give it no more of my time and energy. He understands. He's frustrated by her, too. And he knows that this is his issue, not mine to handle.
You might have to explore where your boundaries lie, and if he is crossing them inadvertently or if this is just normal, healthy frustration. Feel free to memail me if you want to talk more.
posted by skittlekicks at 7:02 AM on April 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
I can't imagine living in a scenario where my plans and feelings are always at the mercy of how A is feeling.
Break up with him.
He's got a kid, and that means mom will always be in the picture. Dealing with a co-parent is pain in the ass in the best of cases and absolute crazymaking in the worst. The only time this will change (and only so slightly) is when he turns 18 and moves into adulthood. You will always be second fiddle to the child. Always.
This is the deal. There is no altering the deal.
I've been in this guy's shoes. I've had this conversation with women. Be all in, or be out.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 7:17 AM on April 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
Break up with him.
He's got a kid, and that means mom will always be in the picture. Dealing with a co-parent is pain in the ass in the best of cases and absolute crazymaking in the worst. The only time this will change (and only so slightly) is when he turns 18 and moves into adulthood. You will always be second fiddle to the child. Always.
This is the deal. There is no altering the deal.
I've been in this guy's shoes. I've had this conversation with women. Be all in, or be out.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 7:17 AM on April 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
I'm going to split the difference (or split hairs?) and say it's about SO's boundaries in the context of (co-)parenting.
I am in a relationship with someone who has an ex who sounds like yours. Chronic health issues leading to inability to hold up her share of co-parenting. In our case it was an ex who had him as her first-line-of-support person when something went wrong which had always been their relationship and so she'd call him first before availing herself of her other (maybe more local) support network. So part of the issue is unpacking this a bit and figuring out what is going on. Obviously a medical emergency is an emergency. At the same time if she is someone for whom this is more commonplace, she should have a backup plan that is not "Call the ex" and he should encourage her to do this. I mean sometimes he may not be available and obviously the kid is not going to stay at school, there must be options. If there are not options she should work on those options (on her own, not with him). Social service agencies can help if things are dire.
So, a few things obvious affect this a lot
- What their actual support/custody arrangement says. It's possible that this is how it works in which case you can make decisions about how you feel about this
- What your SO wants. He may be AOK with this even though you are not (and I agree, there's definitely a "This is how to parent well" read of this situation) or he may want to find a way to not be on call for his ex which you can approach as a team.
- What is acceptable/unacceptable to you. As someone with a SO with a kid, you have to accept that the kid will come first. You do not have to accept that the ex will come first. My SOs ex was constantly trying to manipulate him to have less time to spend with me or have long phone calls with him when we were spending time together and after a while it was obvious that this was what was going on. It's less obvious in your case but it's okay to be wary that the ex is using the son as a way to control the ex. That's bad for everyone.
For me, I wanted to feel that I was part of my SOs plan even if those plans changed. So "Hey I have to do this, want to come along and we can have dinner in X town?" would have been preferable to "Sorry have to bail, rain check?" He can be understanding about the fact that HE is a parent and YOU are not and he needs to be able to balance the needs of his custody arrangement as well as his relationship with you. And I think your decision to be like "Eh, I'll see you in a few days" was absolutely a good choice in this situation. You'll have to think about your own boundaries independent of his boundaries with his ex.
posted by jessamyn at 7:19 AM on April 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
I am in a relationship with someone who has an ex who sounds like yours. Chronic health issues leading to inability to hold up her share of co-parenting. In our case it was an ex who had him as her first-line-of-support person when something went wrong which had always been their relationship and so she'd call him first before availing herself of her other (maybe more local) support network. So part of the issue is unpacking this a bit and figuring out what is going on. Obviously a medical emergency is an emergency. At the same time if she is someone for whom this is more commonplace, she should have a backup plan that is not "Call the ex" and he should encourage her to do this. I mean sometimes he may not be available and obviously the kid is not going to stay at school, there must be options. If there are not options she should work on those options (on her own, not with him). Social service agencies can help if things are dire.
So, a few things obvious affect this a lot
- What their actual support/custody arrangement says. It's possible that this is how it works in which case you can make decisions about how you feel about this
- What your SO wants. He may be AOK with this even though you are not (and I agree, there's definitely a "This is how to parent well" read of this situation) or he may want to find a way to not be on call for his ex which you can approach as a team.
- What is acceptable/unacceptable to you. As someone with a SO with a kid, you have to accept that the kid will come first. You do not have to accept that the ex will come first. My SOs ex was constantly trying to manipulate him to have less time to spend with me or have long phone calls with him when we were spending time together and after a while it was obvious that this was what was going on. It's less obvious in your case but it's okay to be wary that the ex is using the son as a way to control the ex. That's bad for everyone.
For me, I wanted to feel that I was part of my SOs plan even if those plans changed. So "Hey I have to do this, want to come along and we can have dinner in X town?" would have been preferable to "Sorry have to bail, rain check?" He can be understanding about the fact that HE is a parent and YOU are not and he needs to be able to balance the needs of his custody arrangement as well as his relationship with you. And I think your decision to be like "Eh, I'll see you in a few days" was absolutely a good choice in this situation. You'll have to think about your own boundaries independent of his boundaries with his ex.
posted by jessamyn at 7:19 AM on April 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
One of my best friends in the world gets migraines. It sucks. Throughout the years of our friendship, we have repeatedly had to cancel plans at the last minute because the aura came and she knew she had six hours of throwing up and dark rooms and agony in front of her.
Does it suck to have plans, fun plans, plans I was looking forward to, plans we had maybe made well in advance, cancelled at the last second? Of course. But I know without a doubt that actually having a migraine is much, much worse.
I feel like your frustration is seeking a target, and I know that feeling. But it seems unfair to blame your boyfriend or his ex here, and so you're kind of stuck, because getting angry at the vagaries of brain chemistry is wildly unsatisfying. But part of being mature enough to date someone with a child is knowing that frustration is the natural byproduct of having a dependent child in the mix.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 7:29 AM on April 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
Does it suck to have plans, fun plans, plans I was looking forward to, plans we had maybe made well in advance, cancelled at the last second? Of course. But I know without a doubt that actually having a migraine is much, much worse.
I feel like your frustration is seeking a target, and I know that feeling. But it seems unfair to blame your boyfriend or his ex here, and so you're kind of stuck, because getting angry at the vagaries of brain chemistry is wildly unsatisfying. But part of being mature enough to date someone with a child is knowing that frustration is the natural byproduct of having a dependent child in the mix.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 7:29 AM on April 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
Due to the nature of our plans, this meant that I either needed to go home and pack a bag, then drive across town (since we'd initially been planning on him coming to my place), or just not see each other tonight.
For the first time in the history of our relationship, I did not accommodate the change in plans. I said that we could spend time together another night this week. I feel horrible, though.
Don't feel horrible. That's a perfectly reasonable choice. Don't feel bad because you don't feel up to driving across town during a work night or ever when you didn't plan to. You'll both be fine and see each other again soon. Occasionally I cancel plans with my SO just because I don't feel like going anymore; you certainly can because they've become rather inconvenient.
posted by flimflam at 7:30 AM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
For the first time in the history of our relationship, I did not accommodate the change in plans. I said that we could spend time together another night this week. I feel horrible, though.
Don't feel horrible. That's a perfectly reasonable choice. Don't feel bad because you don't feel up to driving across town during a work night or ever when you didn't plan to. You'll both be fine and see each other again soon. Occasionally I cancel plans with my SO just because I don't feel like going anymore; you certainly can because they've become rather inconvenient.
posted by flimflam at 7:30 AM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
I think I can speak for a lot of parents when I say that the gravity of parenthood is much, much greater than one can anticipate prior to having children. Before I had a child I did not understand the enormity of the commitment that is involved on a daily basis. If this situation is problematic for you it doesn't sound like you and your boyfriend are a good fit and you would likely be better off with someone who doesn't have children.
posted by waving at 7:41 AM on April 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by waving at 7:41 AM on April 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
Once a month or less really isn't that unreasonable. As a mom who gets migraines, let me say that it sucks bigtime. I've had to get last minute help to make sure my child would be ok while I waited for medications to kick in/writhed in pain in a darkened room where even the sound of birds outside were stabbing my brain. I puke sometimes, my vision gets blurry. And mine are fairly mild from what others have told me, so, yeah, migraines certainly can be bad enough that she'd need help. If some emergency came up while I was in that state, I wouldn't be able to drive anywhere. If this happens monthly, then her migraines may be connected to her cycle, too, which is so much fun. I wouldn't immediately jump to the conclusion that she's doing this just to take your BF away from you for the night.
That being said, it is perfectly okay for you to decide you don't want your life to be this way. A guy with a young child is not going to be able to always prioritize you over the child, and if he did he'd be a pretty crappy dad. Maybe a relationship with a dad isn't for you.
posted by Kitty Stardust at 7:57 AM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
That being said, it is perfectly okay for you to decide you don't want your life to be this way. A guy with a young child is not going to be able to always prioritize you over the child, and if he did he'd be a pretty crappy dad. Maybe a relationship with a dad isn't for you.
posted by Kitty Stardust at 7:57 AM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
When there are kids, the kids come first. Full stop.
posted by stormyteal at 8:05 AM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by stormyteal at 8:05 AM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
How do I rationalize my SO's actions? Is he just being a conscientious parent or do I have genuine cause for concern? As we talk about our future together, what is my role?
For your question about framing your thinking (because I definitely will not judge you if you just decide it's not for you, but you asked)...the thing is, if he were not divorced and were parenting, the kind of phone call you described would be absolutely parenting related and not wife-related. My husband generally does pickup, but sometimes he gets stuck in traffic and then I have to rush out of work early. It's not about accommodating my husband...it's about making sure my child is picked up. Sure, if it's always his bad planning eventually we have to discuss that but at the end of the day it is about my kid.
Different divorced couples handle things differently but I think one thing I've observed among my friends and family who are divorced now is that there isn't always the same split there used to be where "Mom's time is NOT dad's time and dad's time is NOT mom's time" -- it's more, kids needs parenting 24/7 and while everyone tries not to have crazy scheduling impossible demands...the non-custodial-right-then parent is not actually 100% off the clock.
I think there used to be, particularly with dads, an assumption that if it wasn't "their time" then it wasn't their-problem-to-solve if something went off the rails with childcare. But now, dads are perceived as equally responsible parents who need to jump in if their kid needs them regardless of whether it's Tuesday or Thursday. I'm not sure but it's my observation that there may be a shift going on in how people look at divorce and the concept of joint custody.
Regardless I think it's a good discussion to have around your role. One thing you could look at is that part of your role is to be a friend to the parenting of this child, so that means that while your own needs truly are important, sometimes they take a back seat to the kid the same way they would if you were actively stepparenting, and that that is a feature of slowly forming a family unit with your SO, not an impediment to your happiness.
posted by warriorqueen at 9:17 AM on April 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
For your question about framing your thinking (because I definitely will not judge you if you just decide it's not for you, but you asked)...the thing is, if he were not divorced and were parenting, the kind of phone call you described would be absolutely parenting related and not wife-related. My husband generally does pickup, but sometimes he gets stuck in traffic and then I have to rush out of work early. It's not about accommodating my husband...it's about making sure my child is picked up. Sure, if it's always his bad planning eventually we have to discuss that but at the end of the day it is about my kid.
Different divorced couples handle things differently but I think one thing I've observed among my friends and family who are divorced now is that there isn't always the same split there used to be where "Mom's time is NOT dad's time and dad's time is NOT mom's time" -- it's more, kids needs parenting 24/7 and while everyone tries not to have crazy scheduling impossible demands...the non-custodial-right-then parent is not actually 100% off the clock.
I think there used to be, particularly with dads, an assumption that if it wasn't "their time" then it wasn't their-problem-to-solve if something went off the rails with childcare. But now, dads are perceived as equally responsible parents who need to jump in if their kid needs them regardless of whether it's Tuesday or Thursday. I'm not sure but it's my observation that there may be a shift going on in how people look at divorce and the concept of joint custody.
Regardless I think it's a good discussion to have around your role. One thing you could look at is that part of your role is to be a friend to the parenting of this child, so that means that while your own needs truly are important, sometimes they take a back seat to the kid the same way they would if you were actively stepparenting, and that that is a feature of slowly forming a family unit with your SO, not an impediment to your happiness.
posted by warriorqueen at 9:17 AM on April 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
I'm a dad in a situation very similar to this. My ex lives near by. We have two children 5 and 6 years old that we share 50/50. I have a girlfriend who lives with me. She has two children of her own, that she has full time (and live with us) [yes, its very much like the brady bunch].
I commiserate with your situation, because I know how it sucks to have plans change last minute, or to be re-prioritized like that last minute. It is totally OK for those types of things to deal-breakers or near-deal-breakers requiring some conversations and adjustments.
I also commiserate with the SO here, because - like was said above a bit - I will drop everything at a chance to have more time with my children. My priorities are always: 1. kids. 2. everything else. To go from full time, to half time is a soul-crushing experience. *ANY* extra time I can get, no matter what the situation, I will do my damnedest to get. That said, there have been situations where ex has called asking if I can pick up an extra day, which just has not worked with my plans (either social or work related), and I've had to very regretfully decline. So there *is* a limit, definitely. But if it was once a month-ish or less, and was a night out that I could "easily" reschedule? Hell yeah I'm going to go get my kids and spend the evening with them.
So yeah, I guess overall I'm saying "SO is totally justified in ditching you to get extra time with kid" and "you're totally justified to have an issue with it." I do think the frequency is such that it "shouldn't" be a big issue to you, but I can't make that decision for you.
posted by ish__ at 9:28 AM on April 29, 2015 [8 favorites]
I commiserate with your situation, because I know how it sucks to have plans change last minute, or to be re-prioritized like that last minute. It is totally OK for those types of things to deal-breakers or near-deal-breakers requiring some conversations and adjustments.
I also commiserate with the SO here, because - like was said above a bit - I will drop everything at a chance to have more time with my children. My priorities are always: 1. kids. 2. everything else. To go from full time, to half time is a soul-crushing experience. *ANY* extra time I can get, no matter what the situation, I will do my damnedest to get. That said, there have been situations where ex has called asking if I can pick up an extra day, which just has not worked with my plans (either social or work related), and I've had to very regretfully decline. So there *is* a limit, definitely. But if it was once a month-ish or less, and was a night out that I could "easily" reschedule? Hell yeah I'm going to go get my kids and spend the evening with them.
So yeah, I guess overall I'm saying "SO is totally justified in ditching you to get extra time with kid" and "you're totally justified to have an issue with it." I do think the frequency is such that it "shouldn't" be a big issue to you, but I can't make that decision for you.
posted by ish__ at 9:28 AM on April 29, 2015 [8 favorites]
From here, he just seems like a good parent. Once a month parenting emergencies is a darn good track record.
And I think you did the right thing by cancelling the evening. If you have to chose between doing something and being resentful of it, or not doing it and feeling guilty, choose the guilty. It's WAY better for a relationship, ime.
posted by small_ruminant at 9:30 AM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
And I think you did the right thing by cancelling the evening. If you have to chose between doing something and being resentful of it, or not doing it and feeling guilty, choose the guilty. It's WAY better for a relationship, ime.
posted by small_ruminant at 9:30 AM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
Others have already said what you need to hear. I'm a stepdad to three sons that my partner had with his ex. It may take you a long time to get over having to come second to your boyfriend's children, but it will never change and it shouldn't have to. If you feel like your time and attention are divided in complicated ways, remind yourself how much more loaded that complexity is for the person who has absolutely no option but to comply with his ex when it comes to ensuring the well-being of his kid.
You're allowed to feel divided, and you should tell your boyfriend about this, but there should not be any accusation in your discussion of it. This is a complicated situation, and good people work hard to come to complicated, workable solutions.
Good luck!
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 9:58 AM on April 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
You're allowed to feel divided, and you should tell your boyfriend about this, but there should not be any accusation in your discussion of it. This is a complicated situation, and good people work hard to come to complicated, workable solutions.
Good luck!
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 9:58 AM on April 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
Lots of great advice above, but I just wanted to add that some custody agreements these days include a "right of first refusal" -- that is, before calling up a babysitter, the parent needing to find relief care must notify the other parent and offer up that time to them. The idea is to maximize the amount of time spent with the parents, as opposed to other caregivers. So, this set-up actually may be something that your SO wanted and is written into his custody agreement, because he'd rather spend time with his kid when he can, even if it is sometimes inconvenient. Now, it is totally fine if that's a dealbreaker to you, but if something like this is either their formal or informal child care arrangement, it does mean the situation is definitely reframed from "manipulative ex" to "co-parent who is appropriately abiding by a pre-existing custody agreement."
posted by rainbowbrite at 10:09 AM on April 29, 2015 [14 favorites]
posted by rainbowbrite at 10:09 AM on April 29, 2015 [14 favorites]
Hey, another point worth making -
Two things can exist at the same time: he puts his son first and he's an A+ dude for that, AND he might still have totally shit-awful boundaries with his ex, and that could be a big part of what's rubbing you the wrong way. If the only thing they have in common is their son, then "every month (sometimes less)" your plans get messed up because of him getting his kid' can look an awful lot like, "every month or so his ex calls and texts and he bends over backwards to race to the phone and make sure she feels healthy and safe and yep he'll be right over to get kid." Still A+ awesome that he wants to see his kid, but that doesn't negate the icky feeling about how quickly he reacts to her. Shoot, she could be mother of the year and it would still be icky if he reacted like that.
Since you say this was stressful for him and you refer to the ex more than you refer to the kid, is it possible that this is what the situation is for you?
posted by good lorneing at 10:27 AM on April 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
Two things can exist at the same time: he puts his son first and he's an A+ dude for that, AND he might still have totally shit-awful boundaries with his ex, and that could be a big part of what's rubbing you the wrong way. If the only thing they have in common is their son, then "every month (sometimes less)" your plans get messed up because of him getting his kid' can look an awful lot like, "every month or so his ex calls and texts and he bends over backwards to race to the phone and make sure she feels healthy and safe and yep he'll be right over to get kid." Still A+ awesome that he wants to see his kid, but that doesn't negate the icky feeling about how quickly he reacts to her. Shoot, she could be mother of the year and it would still be icky if he reacted like that.
Since you say this was stressful for him and you refer to the ex more than you refer to the kid, is it possible that this is what the situation is for you?
posted by good lorneing at 10:27 AM on April 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
My husband is a great ex-husband. I've been in a similar situation, and all I can tell you is that your guy is playing the long game and taking the Moral High Ground. Sometimes that's the only way to "win", where "winning" is defined as "low conflict with ex and healthy, happy successful child."
It hurts to be the new girlfriend in this situation. "Tough Love" and "Enforcing Boundaries" sound like logical strategies when the ex is needy and/or manipulative - but they are not. Those can be terrible terrible strategies that harm his kid and his relationship with his kid.
By dropping plans and going to take care of his child, your guy isn't only "giving in" to his Ex, he's demonstrating caring and dependability to his son.
I can't tell you how thrilled I was when my husband's Ex got a boyfriend and he moved in with her - no more 6:30am calls to go shovel her car out so kid can get to school! Let the new boyfriend take her to pick up her towed car because she ignored the "plowing tomorrow" warnings from the City!
My husband has, however, [insert long list of often costly things even though we were just scrapping by ourselves - I'll memail them to you for the sake of her anonymity]
You root for the Ex's happiness and good health and success because it will help the child live a happy, healthy, good life to have two happy, healthy, successful parents. Oh yeah, and it'll make your life easier, too!
(I often had to remind myself that, on our side, 2 people were parenting, whereas the ex was on her own. Of course we looked like we had our shit together and she didn't!)
Dating someone who has a child with an ex means you'll get some non-kid time (to have sex!) - but there will never be a guaranteed predictable schedule for that non-kid time. (Parents in intact families have kids around 24-7 - you're getting more opportunities for sex-with-abandon than those parents.)
Good Ex husbands make even better boyfriends and husbands!
posted by vitabellosi at 11:46 AM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
It hurts to be the new girlfriend in this situation. "Tough Love" and "Enforcing Boundaries" sound like logical strategies when the ex is needy and/or manipulative - but they are not. Those can be terrible terrible strategies that harm his kid and his relationship with his kid.
By dropping plans and going to take care of his child, your guy isn't only "giving in" to his Ex, he's demonstrating caring and dependability to his son.
I can't tell you how thrilled I was when my husband's Ex got a boyfriend and he moved in with her - no more 6:30am calls to go shovel her car out so kid can get to school! Let the new boyfriend take her to pick up her towed car because she ignored the "plowing tomorrow" warnings from the City!
My husband has, however, [insert long list of often costly things even though we were just scrapping by ourselves - I'll memail them to you for the sake of her anonymity]
You root for the Ex's happiness and good health and success because it will help the child live a happy, healthy, good life to have two happy, healthy, successful parents. Oh yeah, and it'll make your life easier, too!
(I often had to remind myself that, on our side, 2 people were parenting, whereas the ex was on her own. Of course we looked like we had our shit together and she didn't!)
Dating someone who has a child with an ex means you'll get some non-kid time (to have sex!) - but there will never be a guaranteed predictable schedule for that non-kid time. (Parents in intact families have kids around 24-7 - you're getting more opportunities for sex-with-abandon than those parents.)
Good Ex husbands make even better boyfriends and husbands!
posted by vitabellosi at 11:46 AM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm married, we have two kids and at least once a month I or my husband has to make last minute changes to our plans becasue of illnesses/daycare closures/snow days/work commitments/etc. The kids have to come first. You can't leave a 7 year old to fend for himself, as others have pointed out. I understand it's frustrating. I feel frustrated and we're talkng about my husband and my own children, but I chose to have them, so there we are. You didn't choose that, other than choosing to date this man. You can choose not to. As sad and unfair as that may feel, you are still an ok person to decide those commitments are not for you.
posted by goggie at 11:47 AM on April 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by goggie at 11:47 AM on April 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
Hi isn't choosing A's needs at all. He's choosing his son's needs. Which is a wonderful reflection on him as a parent.
The best way to deal with your feelings is to talk them through with your SO. Do it when you aren't emotional. But just tell him, "I'm not mad at you, I know none of this is your fault, but it makes me feel sad when our plans are changed last minute, and especially since it's so frequent. You don't have to do anything to 'fix' this, I just need to get my feelings out."
Now, the question is, can anything be done to fix the situation? Well, first of all, does it feel at all like a manipulation coming from the ex? Does she know that you and your SO regularly have plans on Wednesday nights for example? Can you change up your date nights a bit so that she's none the wiser?
Can your SO arrange for a friend or a babysitter on these occasions to pick up his son and get him some dinner, and then SO can be home in time to tuck him into bed?
Is there a way to mitigate the additional 2-hour drive (that part seems really unreasonable to me on a weeknight, and on a frequent basis).
I'm sorry that each of you are going through this, it's definitely tough. If you care for your SO you have to care equally for the well-being of his son, so while you definitely need to address your feelings, try to come at this as a team with your SO, so that he doesn't feel he has to choose.
posted by vignettist at 3:03 PM on April 29, 2015
The best way to deal with your feelings is to talk them through with your SO. Do it when you aren't emotional. But just tell him, "I'm not mad at you, I know none of this is your fault, but it makes me feel sad when our plans are changed last minute, and especially since it's so frequent. You don't have to do anything to 'fix' this, I just need to get my feelings out."
Now, the question is, can anything be done to fix the situation? Well, first of all, does it feel at all like a manipulation coming from the ex? Does she know that you and your SO regularly have plans on Wednesday nights for example? Can you change up your date nights a bit so that she's none the wiser?
Can your SO arrange for a friend or a babysitter on these occasions to pick up his son and get him some dinner, and then SO can be home in time to tuck him into bed?
Is there a way to mitigate the additional 2-hour drive (that part seems really unreasonable to me on a weeknight, and on a frequent basis).
I'm sorry that each of you are going through this, it's definitely tough. If you care for your SO you have to care equally for the well-being of his son, so while you definitely need to address your feelings, try to come at this as a team with your SO, so that he doesn't feel he has to choose.
posted by vignettist at 3:03 PM on April 29, 2015
OP, I've been waiting all day to get back to this thread and amend my two answers from above after reading so many vast perspectives here. I still largely stand by my main point that your SO misrepresented something about his availability to you going into the relationship, since it seems these "surprise" child care instances are frequently a surprise to you when they pop up.
posted by jbenben at 10:46 PM on April 29, 2015
posted by jbenben at 10:46 PM on April 29, 2015
Things got easier for me when I watched Big Love and realized my husband's ex is like having a Mormon sister-wife (minus the sex. And religion.). To whit: I have no idea when she'll be around, we share responsibility for a child, and she'll keep costing us a lot of unexpected money (I don't mean child support - I mean beyond that.)
This legitimately helped me adjust. I see her strengths and I root for her, because we are family.
posted by vitabellosi at 1:10 PM on April 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
This legitimately helped me adjust. I see her strengths and I root for her, because we are family.
posted by vitabellosi at 1:10 PM on April 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
A man I was in a relationship with had two children. When we first started going out the mother would contact him frequently for help during her weeks on (it was 50/50) because she was still very used to doing that. For instance, to park the car for her after she dropped the kids off at school (he lived nearby) or to pick up the kids if she couldn't or long phone calls asking for advice unrelated to the kids, which felt weird. This happened about once a week. He acknowledged that she was still reliant on him in a way that wasn't reasonable and I worked with him to change the stuff he felt really needed changing (parking, phone calls). But the stuff having to do with his kids, staying at his place when they couldn't go to school, picking them up, etc, he wanted to do because he liked spending more time with them. I even helped when I could and for the most part didn't have a problem with it. The mother worked long, hard hours, couldn't afford a nanny, and I saw it as a, We're all in this together' kind of thing. That said, if we'd had special plans to do something and the mother just had a headache (i.e., nonemergency) I would have put my foot down if it had been tickets or asked her to pick the kids up the following week so we could reschedule our dinner. He did, however, drop any plans with me in a heartbeat to attend anything having to do with his kids from school picnics to practice games. He was a great dad, was there for them 200%, and I'm glad we're no longer together.
I think it is important for you to assert your needs because in this kind of relationship they can get buried quickly, esp if the mother is used to having her ex do everything or wanting to assert some territorial rights over him. Yes the child's needs should absolutely come first but let's not go overboard with this, folks. I suffer from migraines, I have medication, I was able to pick up the kids on a headache. I was an extremely accommodating gf and if the mother had had a headache once a month that would've been a red flag for me. Take some Excedrin? But my ex's mother's excuses were usually very reasonable as she had a full-time job and worked late. So maybe have your bf tell the mother that he is willing to pick his son up this time but as it will be interfering with your special plans she needs to agree to pick up her son the following week since you two will need to reschedule. Compromise. It's not a question of if the son will be picked up but letting the ex know that it's not okay to disrupt your special time together with that slippery slope condition known as a headache.
posted by lillian.elmtree at 6:34 PM on May 1, 2015
I think it is important for you to assert your needs because in this kind of relationship they can get buried quickly, esp if the mother is used to having her ex do everything or wanting to assert some territorial rights over him. Yes the child's needs should absolutely come first but let's not go overboard with this, folks. I suffer from migraines, I have medication, I was able to pick up the kids on a headache. I was an extremely accommodating gf and if the mother had had a headache once a month that would've been a red flag for me. Take some Excedrin? But my ex's mother's excuses were usually very reasonable as she had a full-time job and worked late. So maybe have your bf tell the mother that he is willing to pick his son up this time but as it will be interfering with your special plans she needs to agree to pick up her son the following week since you two will need to reschedule. Compromise. It's not a question of if the son will be picked up but letting the ex know that it's not okay to disrupt your special time together with that slippery slope condition known as a headache.
posted by lillian.elmtree at 6:34 PM on May 1, 2015
As a 50-50 coparent of a young child, I can understand why this is so frustrating, but it doesn't sound out of the realm of normal. As others have mentioned, migraines are serious business and do make it very hard to be a good parent. I get monthly pms-related horribleness which sometimes includes migraines (and a general exhaustion and low stress tolerance the week prior) and there have been times when I've asked my son's dad to switch the schedule last minute. When I've pushed through and not asked for help I end up short-changing my son (by being short with him or letting him binge watch cartoons and then I feel even worse overall, like I go into an "I'm a bad mom" spiral) or end up exhausted into the following week, which again does no one any good. FWIW when something comes up for my son's dad I also do my best to accommodate his last minute changes, and he also occasionally calls me up because he's super tired or feeling sick and wants an extra night off. We both have to assume the best intentions in the other and put our child first, which does mean helping to keep the stress of the other parent down.
A babysitter is not always a logical option because it's costly, and can be hard if not impossible to arrange last minute, and if the mom is legit in a bad state unless the babysitter can take the child to another location (which is more disruptive to the child's schedule/well-being imo than a trip to dad's unless it's a frequent and happy thing), the mom would have to leave the house to get a break. I have come up against these issues and they really are complicated verging on impossible sometimes.
I think you feel resentful because you've been bending over backwards to accommodate your plans with your SO in spite of these changes, and maybe you've been moving your whole life around the custody schedule and it's taking a toll. Perhaps keep going with the "well that sucks, I will miss you, but I'm going to do X, Y, or Z instead tonight", and then actually go do something fun/nice for yourself that you've put off in favor of time with your SO.
Agreed that you guys should get a bonus night when this happens, and that your SO needs to seriously consider what can be done to shorten the driving distance between him and his ex so that these occurrences aren't so stressful and disruptive.
posted by lafemma at 6:35 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
A babysitter is not always a logical option because it's costly, and can be hard if not impossible to arrange last minute, and if the mom is legit in a bad state unless the babysitter can take the child to another location (which is more disruptive to the child's schedule/well-being imo than a trip to dad's unless it's a frequent and happy thing), the mom would have to leave the house to get a break. I have come up against these issues and they really are complicated verging on impossible sometimes.
I think you feel resentful because you've been bending over backwards to accommodate your plans with your SO in spite of these changes, and maybe you've been moving your whole life around the custody schedule and it's taking a toll. Perhaps keep going with the "well that sucks, I will miss you, but I'm going to do X, Y, or Z instead tonight", and then actually go do something fun/nice for yourself that you've put off in favor of time with your SO.
Agreed that you guys should get a bonus night when this happens, and that your SO needs to seriously consider what can be done to shorten the driving distance between him and his ex so that these occurrences aren't so stressful and disruptive.
posted by lafemma at 6:35 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
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posted by nat at 12:08 AM on April 29, 2015 [152 favorites]