Is abstinence reasonable in this case?
April 13, 2015 2:02 AM Subscribe
A year and a half ago I was diagnosed with a common but non-lethal STI. Since then, I have become somewhat of a recluse and decided to be completely abstinent moving forward. I'm looking for some perspective from others to see how reasonable my decision here is.
At the time I was diagnosed I was in a long-term monogamous relationship and I believe my partner in that relationship gave it to me. When questioned they were not forthcoming with a confession, but there were lots of late nights toward the end of the relationship where my partner disappeared for a night and came back completely intoxicated and refused to talk about where they had been, and I suspect the encounter that led to my infection occurred on one of these nights. One day my partner said under their breath "I probably gave it to you" which I took for tacit albeit vague admission. In retrospect I feel stupid for continuing a sexual relationship with this person given the red flags that were showing toward the end, but what's done is done and here I am.
As a result of this infection, I have had a dozen painful procedures to treat symptoms and one surgery during which I was anesthetized. I've missed work and cancelled vacations because of this. I have also been taking a painful medication to suppress the infection. My doctor seems to think mine is one of the worst cases he's ever seen. My ex has no idea how bad this has been for me because they bailed on the relationship about five months into my illness and we haven't spoken since. Suffice to say, I am too angry at this person to talk to them, but they do know about the infection and have been tested for symptoms (as far as I know they have none), so there isn't really any reason to be in touch anymore.
As of today, I still have some symptoms and I am taking medication for them. I've been told it is likely I will not have a terrible outbreak like the one I had initially. It's been about 15 months since this all started and I'm trying to decide how to move forward.
This experience has scared the shit out of me and I really cannot fathom ever having sex again. Some of this is probably feelings of shame because of the stigma of STIs and having to "disclose" to future partners (everyone I've talked to tells me this – just "disclose" to them and you're fine! But no details are given as to how to broach this subject and how to avoid kissing/touching beforehand. It also presumes that anyone would respond positively and agree to be infected all for a shot at little ol' me). But it's also reminded me of the risks of sexual contact and touching other people generally. I've become paranoid about bumping into strangers on public transit, for example. I've memorized statistics about transmission rates and what percentage of the population has virus X lying dormant.
I considered dating for a while but now I just consider myself abstinent/celibate because I have no interest in sex and I'm quite sure I would not be able to "perform" out of fear if I did work up the courage. I don't want to infect other people, so lying about or downplaying my infection is not an option. I cannot imagine how bad I would feel if I made somebody else go through the awful experiences I have had as a result of this disease. I don't want to string somebody along for weeks and then tell them I am sick, which seems to be the token advice online. it just seems unfair to not let someone know up front what they're getting into. So I try to avoid any one-on-one situations with the opposite sex to avoid having to deal with attraction.
I am terrified of going through this experience again. There is a world of viruses out there for me to get, including different strains of the one I already have. I really can't explain how traumatic this has been for me. It has permanently changed my perspective and how I live my life. Some of that perspective has been good, but some has been bad. I know that i'm not going to be very happy living life as a recluse, afraid of human contact. But I also don't want to touch people at all.
I'm already talking to a professional counselor about this issue but I wanted to hear some other perspectives.
Email: celibateguy888@gmail.com
At the time I was diagnosed I was in a long-term monogamous relationship and I believe my partner in that relationship gave it to me. When questioned they were not forthcoming with a confession, but there were lots of late nights toward the end of the relationship where my partner disappeared for a night and came back completely intoxicated and refused to talk about where they had been, and I suspect the encounter that led to my infection occurred on one of these nights. One day my partner said under their breath "I probably gave it to you" which I took for tacit albeit vague admission. In retrospect I feel stupid for continuing a sexual relationship with this person given the red flags that were showing toward the end, but what's done is done and here I am.
As a result of this infection, I have had a dozen painful procedures to treat symptoms and one surgery during which I was anesthetized. I've missed work and cancelled vacations because of this. I have also been taking a painful medication to suppress the infection. My doctor seems to think mine is one of the worst cases he's ever seen. My ex has no idea how bad this has been for me because they bailed on the relationship about five months into my illness and we haven't spoken since. Suffice to say, I am too angry at this person to talk to them, but they do know about the infection and have been tested for symptoms (as far as I know they have none), so there isn't really any reason to be in touch anymore.
As of today, I still have some symptoms and I am taking medication for them. I've been told it is likely I will not have a terrible outbreak like the one I had initially. It's been about 15 months since this all started and I'm trying to decide how to move forward.
This experience has scared the shit out of me and I really cannot fathom ever having sex again. Some of this is probably feelings of shame because of the stigma of STIs and having to "disclose" to future partners (everyone I've talked to tells me this – just "disclose" to them and you're fine! But no details are given as to how to broach this subject and how to avoid kissing/touching beforehand. It also presumes that anyone would respond positively and agree to be infected all for a shot at little ol' me). But it's also reminded me of the risks of sexual contact and touching other people generally. I've become paranoid about bumping into strangers on public transit, for example. I've memorized statistics about transmission rates and what percentage of the population has virus X lying dormant.
I considered dating for a while but now I just consider myself abstinent/celibate because I have no interest in sex and I'm quite sure I would not be able to "perform" out of fear if I did work up the courage. I don't want to infect other people, so lying about or downplaying my infection is not an option. I cannot imagine how bad I would feel if I made somebody else go through the awful experiences I have had as a result of this disease. I don't want to string somebody along for weeks and then tell them I am sick, which seems to be the token advice online. it just seems unfair to not let someone know up front what they're getting into. So I try to avoid any one-on-one situations with the opposite sex to avoid having to deal with attraction.
I am terrified of going through this experience again. There is a world of viruses out there for me to get, including different strains of the one I already have. I really can't explain how traumatic this has been for me. It has permanently changed my perspective and how I live my life. Some of that perspective has been good, but some has been bad. I know that i'm not going to be very happy living life as a recluse, afraid of human contact. But I also don't want to touch people at all.
I'm already talking to a professional counselor about this issue but I wanted to hear some other perspectives.
Email: celibateguy888@gmail.com
There is nothing wrong or dysfunctional about remaining chaste until you find a trustworthy and understanding partner. And don't let anyone make you feel like it is. You don't need to always be sexually active to have a great life. When the right situation comes along you will be ready mentally and physically to participate fully.
posted by BarcelonaRed at 4:12 AM on April 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by BarcelonaRed at 4:12 AM on April 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you ask the mods to add a throwaway email address to your question, you might receive some personal stories from MeFites who would also prefer to remain anonymous.
posted by carmicha at 4:27 AM on April 13, 2015
posted by carmicha at 4:27 AM on April 13, 2015
Given how terrible the past year has been for you health-wise, it makes sense that you feel traumatized. That's legitimate and doesn't make you a freak.
I see two things going on here. First, this experience has made you a virus/germophobe and that's making you anxious and negatively affecting your life. For me, if I can't use logic to calm me down (in this case, recognizing that the odds of catching anything worse than a cold/flu from casual contact are pretty slim), I distract myself with other things. I choose a subject I can immediately replace unproductive thoughts with, or do something inherently distracting (play an engaging game, exercise hard, watch a humor video, etc.). This might help until you are a little further from your trauma and can handle your reactions better.
Second, you're concerned about future romantic relationships, both because you're afraid of getting sick again and because you don't know how to negotiate relationships without putting someone else at risk. It makes sense to set this aside for the time being until you are in a better mental/ emotional place. But if you're worried that this means you're never going to be in a relationship again, trust me when I say it doesn't. It's all so overwhelming now that you can't see ways around it, but with time you will. It won't always be as hard as it feels right now.
When you are ready, some things that might help are determining the real risks of transmission through anything other than genital contact, remembering that very few people are as affected as you are, and considering the option of looking for already-infected partners. (Lots of people have herpes infections for example, and in countries outside of the US it doesn't have anything resembling the stigma it has here.) But you don't need to think about any of that yet.
posted by metasarah at 4:58 AM on April 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
I see two things going on here. First, this experience has made you a virus/germophobe and that's making you anxious and negatively affecting your life. For me, if I can't use logic to calm me down (in this case, recognizing that the odds of catching anything worse than a cold/flu from casual contact are pretty slim), I distract myself with other things. I choose a subject I can immediately replace unproductive thoughts with, or do something inherently distracting (play an engaging game, exercise hard, watch a humor video, etc.). This might help until you are a little further from your trauma and can handle your reactions better.
Second, you're concerned about future romantic relationships, both because you're afraid of getting sick again and because you don't know how to negotiate relationships without putting someone else at risk. It makes sense to set this aside for the time being until you are in a better mental/ emotional place. But if you're worried that this means you're never going to be in a relationship again, trust me when I say it doesn't. It's all so overwhelming now that you can't see ways around it, but with time you will. It won't always be as hard as it feels right now.
When you are ready, some things that might help are determining the real risks of transmission through anything other than genital contact, remembering that very few people are as affected as you are, and considering the option of looking for already-infected partners. (Lots of people have herpes infections for example, and in countries outside of the US it doesn't have anything resembling the stigma it has here.) But you don't need to think about any of that yet.
posted by metasarah at 4:58 AM on April 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
It sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Take the STD out of it and you still have a serious betrayal that you are dealing with. That alone is reason enough to take some time off and sort through things.
Regarding the STD, you are not walking around with a loaded gun. It wasn't your fault. It is a terrible thing that happened to you. Yes, many people will not want to risk it, but, you might find someone who would. Think about actors- they go on hundreds of auditions, sometimes thousands. They know they are not going to get every part. They set themselves up for hundreds of rejections, just for the chance of having their dream come true. Once you are feeling stronger, be an actor. Go out there knowing that you will get rejected many times before your dream comes true. And make them pay for dinner because, well, why the hell not?
posted by myselfasme at 5:15 AM on April 13, 2015
Regarding the STD, you are not walking around with a loaded gun. It wasn't your fault. It is a terrible thing that happened to you. Yes, many people will not want to risk it, but, you might find someone who would. Think about actors- they go on hundreds of auditions, sometimes thousands. They know they are not going to get every part. They set themselves up for hundreds of rejections, just for the chance of having their dream come true. Once you are feeling stronger, be an actor. Go out there knowing that you will get rejected many times before your dream comes true. And make them pay for dinner because, well, why the hell not?
posted by myselfasme at 5:15 AM on April 13, 2015
It might also help to remember that just because you do have sex with somebody, it's not a 100% guarantee that they will catch what you have. Which you seem to be assuming going off your "agree to be infected" comment. There are plenty of steps that can be taken to minimize risk.
You should also keep up with the counseling and be completely upfront about your fears, because the germ/virus phobia sounds a bit extreme and irrational (understandable considering what you've gone through, but still hard to live with).
posted by Kimmalah at 7:12 AM on April 13, 2015
You should also keep up with the counseling and be completely upfront about your fears, because the germ/virus phobia sounds a bit extreme and irrational (understandable considering what you've gone through, but still hard to live with).
posted by Kimmalah at 7:12 AM on April 13, 2015
Abstinence sounds like a perfectly reasonable immediate response to your situation (which is not to say the only possible response), because you need space to heal, both physically and emotionally.
The reclusiveness sounds to me like the point to focus on, because that's where the reaction you're having sounds like it's tipping over into extremes that could ultimately be harmful to you. If you're afraid of shaking hands, or hugging, or even more incidental human contact, that's an unreasonable fear that you do not need to be living with. And while I am supportive of people choosing abstinence for a variety of reasons, having it be a side-effect of an unhealthy fear isn't a choice.
I was exposed to HSV-1 as a child and continue to have facial outbreaks as an adult. There are a range of attitudes around whether HSV-1 is "worth" disclosing given its high degree of incidence. I choose to disclose, and to do so early in dating - first-date early, if I'm getting signals that kissing is a mutually agreeable prospect. I find it's easier at that point, before I'm getting emotionally invested in someone, to say "hey, so I like you, and here's something you should know about me" and present what I do to minimize risk of exposure to my partners. It's not a fun part of the conversation, but I've never had it go terribly.
Whatever your decision about sex, you deserve to be able to give and receive social, affectionate, and therapeutic touch from other people. Please, please keep working on that, and if you're not making progress with your current therapist, consider trying others.
posted by EvaDestruction at 7:22 AM on April 13, 2015
The reclusiveness sounds to me like the point to focus on, because that's where the reaction you're having sounds like it's tipping over into extremes that could ultimately be harmful to you. If you're afraid of shaking hands, or hugging, or even more incidental human contact, that's an unreasonable fear that you do not need to be living with. And while I am supportive of people choosing abstinence for a variety of reasons, having it be a side-effect of an unhealthy fear isn't a choice.
I was exposed to HSV-1 as a child and continue to have facial outbreaks as an adult. There are a range of attitudes around whether HSV-1 is "worth" disclosing given its high degree of incidence. I choose to disclose, and to do so early in dating - first-date early, if I'm getting signals that kissing is a mutually agreeable prospect. I find it's easier at that point, before I'm getting emotionally invested in someone, to say "hey, so I like you, and here's something you should know about me" and present what I do to minimize risk of exposure to my partners. It's not a fun part of the conversation, but I've never had it go terribly.
Whatever your decision about sex, you deserve to be able to give and receive social, affectionate, and therapeutic touch from other people. Please, please keep working on that, and if you're not making progress with your current therapist, consider trying others.
posted by EvaDestruction at 7:22 AM on April 13, 2015
Have you considered dating other people who also have the same disease as you already? You mention that it's common--there could be a reasonable dating pool of others who are already infected. (Of course, if this disease has different types or if infections exist in different locations, you would still want to pay attention to limiting contact during outbreaks.)
You might not be ready for it yet, but this could be a good option to leave open if your feelings about sex change in the future.
posted by snorkmaiden at 7:24 AM on April 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
You might not be ready for it yet, but this could be a good option to leave open if your feelings about sex change in the future.
posted by snorkmaiden at 7:24 AM on April 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm so sorry you're going through this. A few years ago I went through a really bad period of STI hypochondria and I know how debilitating worrying about them can be. I had what may have been HPV warts (but I was later told wasn't), and had to have the freezing treatment on them which was horrible and quite traumatic for me. I was also terrified of relations with anyone because I felt very vulnerable and also didn't want to risk 'infecting' anyone. I'm aware this is different to what you're going through but hope I can offer advice regarding the germophobia you've developed as a result. I saw an amazing Cognitive Analytic Therapist, who helped me not only with that specific incident but with my more general hypochondria. It wasn't through exposure therapy or anything like that but more to do with exploring my ideas around infection, shame and 'purity'which had all become horribly confused.
On a dating note, have you considered looking up online dating sites specifically for those with STIs? It could be a gentle way to ease your way back in, as I imagine people would be more understanding, and you also wouldn't have to make the disclosure as they'd already know. Good luck!
posted by Dorothea_in_Rome at 7:26 AM on April 13, 2015
On a dating note, have you considered looking up online dating sites specifically for those with STIs? It could be a gentle way to ease your way back in, as I imagine people would be more understanding, and you also wouldn't have to make the disclosure as they'd already know. Good luck!
posted by Dorothea_in_Rome at 7:26 AM on April 13, 2015
I work in the regulatory side of the risk assessment field. What you're experienceing, which is completely valid, is something people like me call (among other names) "risk shock": a very profound sense of high risk in what are almost certainly low risk scenarios based on the outcome of a previous high risk event. In general, this is a sort of survival mechanism that we're probably hard wired with--touch a hot stove, assume thereafter that all stoves are hot unless you can prove otherwise before touching. It will serve you well for a short time--as others have said, you need to heal physically and emotionally and giving yourself some space to do so is wise--but not permanently. At some point you'll need to address the reality that not all stoves are hot (and even if they are you can use oven mitts) because living your life assuming all encounters are high risk will do its own damage to you.
To put it into perspective, a lot of people deal with chronic transmissible diseases in relationships where one partner is negative. This is a thing. This is a great thing, and one that is widely recognized for its capacity to transform peoples' relationships with openness and honesty and information and knowledge. It's not shameful. You learn about risk reduction and move forward. It's new to you, but it won't be new to you forever.
OK, I beat that metaphor to death, but I hope it makes sense to you.
On a personal aside, I had a very similar experience about a decade ago (and I'm guessing with the same virus X) and I've had 3 cycles of it reemerging over the years. Wonderfully, I found a much better doctor who helped me deal with the last two, because the first doctor was... harsh, cold, painful, you name it. I think he contributed more to my sense of shame than did the situation with my partner. Not to mention there's a treatment on the market that wasn't available when I first dealt with this, and it was a welcome respite from the old approach to a flare up (in case this is applicable/available to you and you haven't considered it).
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 8:46 AM on April 13, 2015 [5 favorites]
To put it into perspective, a lot of people deal with chronic transmissible diseases in relationships where one partner is negative. This is a thing. This is a great thing, and one that is widely recognized for its capacity to transform peoples' relationships with openness and honesty and information and knowledge. It's not shameful. You learn about risk reduction and move forward. It's new to you, but it won't be new to you forever.
OK, I beat that metaphor to death, but I hope it makes sense to you.
On a personal aside, I had a very similar experience about a decade ago (and I'm guessing with the same virus X) and I've had 3 cycles of it reemerging over the years. Wonderfully, I found a much better doctor who helped me deal with the last two, because the first doctor was... harsh, cold, painful, you name it. I think he contributed more to my sense of shame than did the situation with my partner. Not to mention there's a treatment on the market that wasn't available when I first dealt with this, and it was a welcome respite from the old approach to a flare up (in case this is applicable/available to you and you haven't considered it).
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 8:46 AM on April 13, 2015 [5 favorites]
Mod note: Added a throwaway email for the asker.
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:23 AM on April 13, 2015
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:23 AM on April 13, 2015
Just as an anecdote, I recently had a sexual partner disclose their STI to me in the most responsible way. Basically, as soon as things reached the point that it was obvious to both of us that we were going to have sex in the near future, he said: "You should know that I have HSV-2. It's contagious and incurable, but I'm treating it and it's in remission and it's easy to reduce the risk of transmitting it to near zero."
He told me that he'd understand completely if I wanted to reconsider things in that light, and also that he could give me more information about herpes if I wanted.
I remember feeling really awkward for about 2 minutes after the disclosure, but then it passed and I was fully back to swooning.
We had a fair bit of sex over the course of a few months after that. We took appropriate precautions, but they never got in the way of the sex being great. I did not contract the infection.
Thinking back on this dude, the main memory I have regarding his STI is how confident and responsible he was in managing it. It honestly probably makes me think more highly of him than I would if he not had the STI in the first place.
posted by Vodka Martini on the Socks at 9:26 AM on April 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
He told me that he'd understand completely if I wanted to reconsider things in that light, and also that he could give me more information about herpes if I wanted.
I remember feeling really awkward for about 2 minutes after the disclosure, but then it passed and I was fully back to swooning.
We had a fair bit of sex over the course of a few months after that. We took appropriate precautions, but they never got in the way of the sex being great. I did not contract the infection.
Thinking back on this dude, the main memory I have regarding his STI is how confident and responsible he was in managing it. It honestly probably makes me think more highly of him than I would if he not had the STI in the first place.
posted by Vodka Martini on the Socks at 9:26 AM on April 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm assuming it's herpes?
I don't want to string somebody along for weeks and then tell them I am sick, which seems to be the token advice online. it just seems unfair to not let someone know up front what they're getting into.
All I can tell you is: I went on a couple of dates with a guy who then disclosed he had herpes. He said he'd only ever had one outbreak and took meds for it. I thanked him for being honest, and later on, we did have sex.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:03 AM on April 13, 2015
I don't want to string somebody along for weeks and then tell them I am sick, which seems to be the token advice online. it just seems unfair to not let someone know up front what they're getting into.
All I can tell you is: I went on a couple of dates with a guy who then disclosed he had herpes. He said he'd only ever had one outbreak and took meds for it. I thanked him for being honest, and later on, we did have sex.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:03 AM on April 13, 2015
I found out my STI diagnosis two years ago after I insisted on full blood work, even though I had no symptoms. I was horrified, and also seeing someone at the time. When I told him, I was in tears, and it was so intense, that he expressed relief when he found out what it was, because he was afraid it was "something serious," ie, deadly, and he cared about me so phew! ...I cried even at his reaction. He went on to explain how he didn't really care because he knows how common it is, and how hard it is to find someone you connect with anyway.
To people like him, you have nothing to worry about. We dated and then I've dated others since, and I wasn't turned down for sex because we had established a emotional connection. Waiting several dates before disclosing & becoming intimate isn't stringing anyone along, it's showing you who's actually interested in you as a person. If anything, my lovey little gift has helped me take better care of myself, & discern moreso the type of people I should be investing time in.
When I disclosed to another person, he revealed he had oral herpes and symptoms, and when he had an outbreak we wouldn't kiss. Deal and deal.
What matters is being honest with others and yourself. You're learn to navigate how and when to interact with disclosure. But don't punish yourself, you have a life to live and should be happy.
Positives aside, my STI has pretty much eliminated he thought of casual sex, and I have been turned down, but that's how the hand unfolds sometimes. Your self esteem might take a hit, but those hits become less intense over time.
You'll get through it, and you'll date again if you want to, millions of people have.
What helped me oddly is remembering just how negligible our bodies are, how we can - literally - loose so many pieces of it and still be us, not loosing any of our worth or dignity.
posted by meeeese at 3:18 AM on April 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
To people like him, you have nothing to worry about. We dated and then I've dated others since, and I wasn't turned down for sex because we had established a emotional connection. Waiting several dates before disclosing & becoming intimate isn't stringing anyone along, it's showing you who's actually interested in you as a person. If anything, my lovey little gift has helped me take better care of myself, & discern moreso the type of people I should be investing time in.
When I disclosed to another person, he revealed he had oral herpes and symptoms, and when he had an outbreak we wouldn't kiss. Deal and deal.
What matters is being honest with others and yourself. You're learn to navigate how and when to interact with disclosure. But don't punish yourself, you have a life to live and should be happy.
Positives aside, my STI has pretty much eliminated he thought of casual sex, and I have been turned down, but that's how the hand unfolds sometimes. Your self esteem might take a hit, but those hits become less intense over time.
You'll get through it, and you'll date again if you want to, millions of people have.
What helped me oddly is remembering just how negligible our bodies are, how we can - literally - loose so many pieces of it and still be us, not loosing any of our worth or dignity.
posted by meeeese at 3:18 AM on April 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Becoming a recluse isn't a good idea. If you were a naturally solitary person and just wanted to be a hermit, that would be one thing. But you've been traumatized by a bout of awful health and crappy treatment from your former partner, and it's scarred you so much you want to just go off and hide forever. I'm not attacking you when I say that, or trying to belittle what you've been through. But you need to acknowledge that that's what this is. You're talking about spending the rest of your life hiding.
For now, I'd say work on finding friends and don't worry about becoming physically intimate with anybody. Try to find some people you care about, who will care about you. A support group could be a very good idea. You can talk to other people with similar fears, and hopefully you can get close to them and ease your way back into interacting with your fellow humans.
No matter what your illness is, it won't be a universal deal breaker. It may complicate your future love life, but it doesn't have to define it.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 2:19 AM on April 13, 2015 [3 favorites]