My colleague has disappeared
April 1, 2015 10:51 AM Subscribe
My colleague and somewhat friend has not come into work for three days and doesn't answer her phone or doorbell. I am starting to worry and don't know what to do.
We are both women in our mid-twenties and working for a governmement organisation in a country that is not our own.
On Saturday, we went out together and she seemed fine, although in hindsight she wasn't that cheerful, but maybe I am imagining things. On Monday, she didn't come into work and I checked the schedule to see if maybe she had taken a holiday, but no. I sent her a message on her phone to ask if she was alright, and got no reply. It seems like she didn't even read it. When I asked our boss if she had called in sick, he gave a vague reply. Most people didn't even notice she was gone (she is rather quiet), but when I asked if they'd heard from her, they seemed concerned because apparently, she had gone AWOL once or twice before, and some people thought she may be home depressed.
Obviously, she turned out alright the last time(s), but people went to her house and looked after her then, and this time, no one seems to care. What if she was alright because people didn't just leave her be? I know what it is like to be in a country far away from home all alone, and depressed, and I have had one case as an interpreter where people left a guy alone and then found his decomposed body after two months. Sure, maybe she's just taking a couple of mental health days, and maybe I am totally invading her privacy by going to her house and ringing, but I worry about her. I thought we were on the way to becoming friends, and even if she is not suicidal, but "simply" depressed, or even just has the flu, I want to be there for her and help her.
My boss said to leave her alone, and our other colleague said that if the young woman was her daughter, she'd not be that worried, and that she believes she won't harm herself. As someone who has had depression herself - which no one would have thought about me - I feel like people may not be concerned enough.
The only colleague who went with me said we did what we could, and maybe to call the hospitals in the area to ask if they had her admitted. I called them all and no one knew about her. I wonder if I should call the police or if that is overkill? I also feel horribly selfish about this, but what if my boss gets mad at me for doing all this when he told me to leave her be? What if he's right and she just needs to be left alone for a bit? She's not me and I guess I am projecting a bit here.* But what if he's wrong and this time, it is serious? And what if I caused it? I am moving in with my boyfriend (and we are planning to get married) this week, and she knows that and made comments like "how nice" and seemed sad about not having anyone. She sometimes invited me out for events, but usually spends her evenings and weekends alone in her apartment. If she loves that, cool, but it doesn't really seem that way. She's such a nice person and pretty as well, so she must feel awful when I have a guy and she doesn't, especially since her culture places more emphasis on marriage than mine. I feel so guilty for not hanging out with her more and making clear that our friendship won't change just because I'm moving.
What do I do now? For now, I talked through her door and told her I'd be back tomorrow. Our colleague left a voicemail as well, and I texted her several times. Should I just leave her alone? What if she is sick and can't get help?
* When I was depressed abroad, I had friends to help me, but this made me scared for a point in my life where no one will care about me enough to check on me when I don't come to work. I mean, what can you count on anymore? The guy I went with just left his third wife for a new woman, so even my own impending marriage doesn't make me feel secure anymore.
We are both women in our mid-twenties and working for a governmement organisation in a country that is not our own.
On Saturday, we went out together and she seemed fine, although in hindsight she wasn't that cheerful, but maybe I am imagining things. On Monday, she didn't come into work and I checked the schedule to see if maybe she had taken a holiday, but no. I sent her a message on her phone to ask if she was alright, and got no reply. It seems like she didn't even read it. When I asked our boss if she had called in sick, he gave a vague reply. Most people didn't even notice she was gone (she is rather quiet), but when I asked if they'd heard from her, they seemed concerned because apparently, she had gone AWOL once or twice before, and some people thought she may be home depressed.
Obviously, she turned out alright the last time(s), but people went to her house and looked after her then, and this time, no one seems to care. What if she was alright because people didn't just leave her be? I know what it is like to be in a country far away from home all alone, and depressed, and I have had one case as an interpreter where people left a guy alone and then found his decomposed body after two months. Sure, maybe she's just taking a couple of mental health days, and maybe I am totally invading her privacy by going to her house and ringing, but I worry about her. I thought we were on the way to becoming friends, and even if she is not suicidal, but "simply" depressed, or even just has the flu, I want to be there for her and help her.
My boss said to leave her alone, and our other colleague said that if the young woman was her daughter, she'd not be that worried, and that she believes she won't harm herself. As someone who has had depression herself - which no one would have thought about me - I feel like people may not be concerned enough.
The only colleague who went with me said we did what we could, and maybe to call the hospitals in the area to ask if they had her admitted. I called them all and no one knew about her. I wonder if I should call the police or if that is overkill? I also feel horribly selfish about this, but what if my boss gets mad at me for doing all this when he told me to leave her be? What if he's right and she just needs to be left alone for a bit? She's not me and I guess I am projecting a bit here.* But what if he's wrong and this time, it is serious? And what if I caused it? I am moving in with my boyfriend (and we are planning to get married) this week, and she knows that and made comments like "how nice" and seemed sad about not having anyone. She sometimes invited me out for events, but usually spends her evenings and weekends alone in her apartment. If she loves that, cool, but it doesn't really seem that way. She's such a nice person and pretty as well, so she must feel awful when I have a guy and she doesn't, especially since her culture places more emphasis on marriage than mine. I feel so guilty for not hanging out with her more and making clear that our friendship won't change just because I'm moving.
What do I do now? For now, I talked through her door and told her I'd be back tomorrow. Our colleague left a voicemail as well, and I texted her several times. Should I just leave her alone? What if she is sick and can't get help?
* When I was depressed abroad, I had friends to help me, but this made me scared for a point in my life where no one will care about me enough to check on me when I don't come to work. I mean, what can you count on anymore? The guy I went with just left his third wife for a new woman, so even my own impending marriage doesn't make me feel secure anymore.
Call the cops! If you post your country people can give you more specific advice, but you need to alert the authorities ASAP. It doesn't matter what your boss thinks, unless they have specifically said they've talked to her and she's fine.
It is the local law enforcement's job to figure out if someone is in danger, not yours. Take it out of your hands, put it into theirs.
posted by chaiminda at 10:58 AM on April 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
It is the local law enforcement's job to figure out if someone is in danger, not yours. Take it out of your hands, put it into theirs.
posted by chaiminda at 10:58 AM on April 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
Honestly, I would call the police. At my work if you're AWOL two days you lose your job (!). I don't think this is overreacting at all. I'm not sure where you are but a "wellness check" is not out of the ordinary for the police.
posted by fiercecupcake at 10:59 AM on April 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by fiercecupcake at 10:59 AM on April 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I don't know if the country you're in means calling the police is likely to lead to big problems. If not, I would call them. If I had some sort of accident at home, like I fell down the stairs and couldn't get up, the first place my absence would be noticed would usually be work, and I'd hope someone would call the police by the end of the first day that I didn't show up.
posted by FishBike at 10:59 AM on April 1, 2015 [18 favorites]
posted by FishBike at 10:59 AM on April 1, 2015 [18 favorites]
Speak to the consulate and see if they can get someone to do a welfare check if you are concerned about the police doing a welfare check.
posted by tilde at 10:59 AM on April 1, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by tilde at 10:59 AM on April 1, 2015 [8 favorites]
This isn't about you. You are making this about you in a really unhealthy way.
I believe you're in Switzerland, which I'm going to guess means that welfare checks by the police are not dangerous. Either call them and inquire about a welfare check and then stay out of it, or don't call them and stay out of it.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:01 AM on April 1, 2015 [17 favorites]
I believe you're in Switzerland, which I'm going to guess means that welfare checks by the police are not dangerous. Either call them and inquire about a welfare check and then stay out of it, or don't call them and stay out of it.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:01 AM on April 1, 2015 [17 favorites]
Best answer: The boss giving a "vague answer" gives me pause. I suggest you go to your boss, tell him you are concerned for her well-being, and that you plan to call the police to check on her. See what he says.
posted by jayder at 11:02 AM on April 1, 2015 [44 favorites]
posted by jayder at 11:02 AM on April 1, 2015 [44 favorites]
Best answer: I understand your fear and your worry, but it sounds like she's let your boss know what's up and your boss has given specific instructions about not contacting her. My guess is that she's going through something and needs privacy. That's something to be respected. When I was raped last year I told my boss and rather than respecting my privacy my boss made up some weird story about how I was sick and it was devastating to deal with phone calls from well meaning people when what I really needed was to be left alone. You are going overboard here. Wait it out a bit before you contact the police. Give your boss the benefit of the doubt here. They do appear to know something you don't.
posted by Hermione Granger at 11:03 AM on April 1, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by Hermione Granger at 11:03 AM on April 1, 2015 [11 favorites]
Also, this is not about you. Don't make it about you.
posted by Hermione Granger at 11:03 AM on April 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Hermione Granger at 11:03 AM on April 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
"My boss said to leave her alone"
Maybe your boss has confidential information that he/she can't share with you.
posted by Ideefixe at 11:05 AM on April 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
Maybe your boss has confidential information that he/she can't share with you.
posted by Ideefixe at 11:05 AM on April 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I just wanted to second that which country you are in makes a huge difference in whether calling the police to do a welfare check is a good idea. You'd hate to shove someone into a bureaucratic/institutional mess.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 11:07 AM on April 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by DirtyOldTown at 11:07 AM on April 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
nthing Ideefixe's suggestion. Your boss may know she's taking mental health days or is doing an inpatient program or something and legally can't disclose that to you.
posted by erst at 11:08 AM on April 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by erst at 11:08 AM on April 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I work for the embassy of her country, and the consular section is worried, but doesn't do anything.
If only our boss would be clearer on whether he talked to her or if he is just assuming that she's awol again... I will try to press him tomorrow (which will suck because I'm new at this job and supposed to respect his authority), but I will. Usually, if we stay away for more than three days, we need to hand in a doctor's note, so maybe she will come back tomorrow.
I am not trying to make this about me, it just triggered something. If I can't help her, I won't bother her, but I was thinking if she was really sick, I'd want someone to check in. (The colleague I went with seemed appalled no one else cared, and others expressed worry as well, although they're not doing anything.)
Of course I don't want to bother her if she just needs a time-out, but what if it's something else and she actually needs help? It seems that even MetaFilter is torn on this question.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 11:08 AM on April 1, 2015
If only our boss would be clearer on whether he talked to her or if he is just assuming that she's awol again... I will try to press him tomorrow (which will suck because I'm new at this job and supposed to respect his authority), but I will. Usually, if we stay away for more than three days, we need to hand in a doctor's note, so maybe she will come back tomorrow.
I am not trying to make this about me, it just triggered something. If I can't help her, I won't bother her, but I was thinking if she was really sick, I'd want someone to check in. (The colleague I went with seemed appalled no one else cared, and others expressed worry as well, although they're not doing anything.)
Of course I don't want to bother her if she just needs a time-out, but what if it's something else and she actually needs help? It seems that even MetaFilter is torn on this question.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 11:08 AM on April 1, 2015
Best answer: Your boss doesn't need to give you details, but can confirm if he knows what the situation is.
If I were you I would directly tell him I feel obliged to call the police unless he can guarantee she is okay, without giving anything away.
posted by Tarumba at 11:11 AM on April 1, 2015 [16 favorites]
If I were you I would directly tell him I feel obliged to call the police unless he can guarantee she is okay, without giving anything away.
posted by Tarumba at 11:11 AM on April 1, 2015 [16 favorites]
Best answer: And for the record, I don't think you are making this about yourself, loony. Many lives have been saved by empathetic people, just like you.
posted by Tarumba at 11:14 AM on April 1, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by Tarumba at 11:14 AM on April 1, 2015 [12 favorites]
I think MetaFilter is torn on this because while we generally like to err on the side of helping others, your involvement in the situation seems a little...odd. You're making A LOT of assumptions about this person ("she must feel awful when I have a guy and she doesn't"?? And that your having a fiance might have prompted what, her suicide? Holy cow, that's one heck of a leap). It may be that someone should be involved in checking on her; it may be that someone, such as your boss, already IS; but it seems like you, yourself, should probably not be so involved in the situation because you're doing some weird projection thing where if you "save her" then your future husband won't leave you.... do you see how maybe this isn't the best thing for someone dealing with a mental health issue?
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:15 AM on April 1, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:15 AM on April 1, 2015 [8 favorites]
Best answer: Your boss is not obligated to divulge anything to you. You are not owed an explanation if she's out for personal reasons. Scale it back for a bit. You could say to your boss, "I am concerned about Colleage. I understand if you can't divulge any specifics for privacy reasons, but could you at least confirm if she's been in touch with you?" But don't do anything more than that just yet.
posted by Hermione Granger at 11:15 AM on April 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Hermione Granger at 11:15 AM on April 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
Best answer: My answer is derived from the experience of having a coworker not show up without explanation for a couple of days and our administrative supervisor called the police who contacted her landlord and they all went in together and found her dead. Dead is dead, but I sure would hate to be incapacitated and die of neglect.
posted by janey47 at 11:16 AM on April 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by janey47 at 11:16 AM on April 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I think you should trust your gut. People need to look out for each other.
I had a job once where I noticed my coworker hadn't shown up for a few days. I asked my boss and he just said coworker is fine, he would be out for awhile on a private matter and he didn't want to discuss it. It was fine. If your boss has that kind of information, he needs to share it. If your friend needs some time alone, she has to tell you. Otherwise, you have to try to help your friend. The alternative is someone who needs help and everyone too caught up in groupthink and second guessing to do anything.
posted by bleep at 11:17 AM on April 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
I had a job once where I noticed my coworker hadn't shown up for a few days. I asked my boss and he just said coworker is fine, he would be out for awhile on a private matter and he didn't want to discuss it. It was fine. If your boss has that kind of information, he needs to share it. If your friend needs some time alone, she has to tell you. Otherwise, you have to try to help your friend. The alternative is someone who needs help and everyone too caught up in groupthink and second guessing to do anything.
posted by bleep at 11:17 AM on April 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
Wait, someone hasn't shown up to work for three days and is unreachable? Are you serious? Totally call the police this instant. I'm actually slightly shocked that no one has done that yet. Opinions from the boss and that colleague (and if that colleague claims she wouldn't be worried if this were her daughter, she's either a liar or just a shitty parent) are completely irrelevant here -- who cares what they think? This isn't something to brush aside, and even if she's just taking mental health days -- well, it's not cool to do that and neglect to tell anyone that you're doing it. Call the police.
posted by holborne at 11:18 AM on April 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by holborne at 11:18 AM on April 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
In a similar situation a young colleague of mine didn't show up two days and was found wandering the streets in a psychotic state.
posted by Tarumba at 11:19 AM on April 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Tarumba at 11:19 AM on April 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
And I have no idea why people assume the boss knows anything. He could say "Yeah, she's not going to be in for a couple of days" and that wouldn't be violating anyone's privacy or giving confidential information.
Or yeah, what bleep said.
posted by holborne at 11:21 AM on April 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
Or yeah, what bleep said.
posted by holborne at 11:21 AM on April 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
I would say to your boss "unless you know something I don't, I'm going to call the police."
However, it's been three days. I wouldn't wait till tomorrow, just call the cops. If this is inconvenient to your boss, that'll teach him to at least be vague in a more instructive way.
posted by tel3path at 11:22 AM on April 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
However, it's been three days. I wouldn't wait till tomorrow, just call the cops. If this is inconvenient to your boss, that'll teach him to at least be vague in a more instructive way.
posted by tel3path at 11:22 AM on April 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
Best answer: There's a difference between "leave her alone" and "I've spoken with her and she is accounted for."
The details and circumstances and any speculation about her mental state aren't really relevant here. If your colleague was a sunny, upbeat person, it would still be alarming if she'd disappeared for two days, right?
Call the police. Never mind what your boss thinks. It's good of you to care.
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:23 AM on April 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
The details and circumstances and any speculation about her mental state aren't really relevant here. If your colleague was a sunny, upbeat person, it would still be alarming if she'd disappeared for two days, right?
Call the police. Never mind what your boss thinks. It's good of you to care.
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:23 AM on April 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: Not trying to threadsit, I promise.
I'm sorry, I'm just so panicked. Of course my having a boyfriend is not a direct cause of a potential suicide, but if she was depressed before (and people implied that she was), and I didn't realise it and happily blabbed about my life, maybe she felt awful enough to spiral down deeper? Everyone else is older than us and we were something like friends. Maybe it's nothing I said or did. Anyhow, my guilt doesn't help anyone. Ignore me, I'm babbling again.
Seriously, I wish I had pressed my boss when he gave me a vague answer. I'm such a chicken sometimes. What if I mistook his cultural vagueness for a non-answer and he actually knew about her, I call the police, they check on her and he finds out and fires me? Obviously, a life is more important than a job, but losing my job will make me depressed... And now I feel guilty for being selfish again. I'm sorry, I'm not in my right mind now.
The last time, people went to her place and looked after her, but this time, no one does. She didn't even open the door, so either she's incapitated/dead or gone away.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 11:36 AM on April 1, 2015
I'm sorry, I'm just so panicked. Of course my having a boyfriend is not a direct cause of a potential suicide, but if she was depressed before (and people implied that she was), and I didn't realise it and happily blabbed about my life, maybe she felt awful enough to spiral down deeper? Everyone else is older than us and we were something like friends. Maybe it's nothing I said or did. Anyhow, my guilt doesn't help anyone. Ignore me, I'm babbling again.
Seriously, I wish I had pressed my boss when he gave me a vague answer. I'm such a chicken sometimes. What if I mistook his cultural vagueness for a non-answer and he actually knew about her, I call the police, they check on her and he finds out and fires me? Obviously, a life is more important than a job, but losing my job will make me depressed... And now I feel guilty for being selfish again. I'm sorry, I'm not in my right mind now.
The last time, people went to her place and looked after her, but this time, no one does. She didn't even open the door, so either she's incapitated/dead or gone away.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 11:36 AM on April 1, 2015
What if I mistook his cultural vagueness for a non-answer and he actually knew about her, I call the police, they check on her and he finds out and fires me?
Unless you told your boss "I called the police!" how WOULD he find out?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:38 AM on April 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Unless you told your boss "I called the police!" how WOULD he find out?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:38 AM on April 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Tomorrow, say to your boss, "Boss, I've been worried about Clelia because we've become friends during our time here. I know it would be inappropriate for me to ask you for any details about her, but just to set my mind at ease, could I ask you to confirm if you have heard from her or from a relative about her absence? "
It's possible that he hasn't heard from her but has heard from her mother or something.
Can you call the cops anonymously?
posted by Frowner at 11:42 AM on April 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's possible that he hasn't heard from her but has heard from her mother or something.
Can you call the cops anonymously?
posted by Frowner at 11:42 AM on April 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I'm sorry, I'm not in my right mind now.
And this is why you need to get someone who isn't you involved in this, whether it's your boss or the police or another coworker. You can't help your friend in this situation because for whatever reason, it's not something you can stay focused and reasoned about.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:46 AM on April 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
And this is why you need to get someone who isn't you involved in this, whether it's your boss or the police or another coworker. You can't help your friend in this situation because for whatever reason, it's not something you can stay focused and reasoned about.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:46 AM on April 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
Best answer: You're not being selfish or "making it about you" for trying to think of all the possibilities. And you're not being irrational. Go back to your boss, today, lean on your "hey, sorry, I'm an American* I'm new here and we can be pretty direct" card* and ask him to clarify that he's actually heard from coworker or not.
* if applicable
posted by bleep at 11:53 AM on April 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
* if applicable
posted by bleep at 11:53 AM on April 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
It 100% sounds like your boss knows what's up, and is respecting her privacy. Leave it alone.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 11:54 AM on April 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 11:54 AM on April 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Deep breaths. A few more. It will be ok. You are NOT responsible for her. I agree you are doing a very good thing by looking out for her, and I agree you should pursue it till you are satisfied, but calm down a little. Her status is not, in any way, your fault. Don't panic and don't beat yourself up, please.
posted by Jacen at 12:14 PM on April 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Jacen at 12:14 PM on April 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Just call the police tonight as long as it's safe to do so. Don't bring it up to your boss again.
You are not to blame if this ends badly - like if she's committed suicide. It will not be your fault. It's ok to talk to people about yourself and to be happy. I understand why you'd feel guilt but it would be misplaced.
Do you have a therapist? One would be a helpful resource for you no matter how this unfolds.
posted by sockermom at 1:21 PM on April 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
You are not to blame if this ends badly - like if she's committed suicide. It will not be your fault. It's ok to talk to people about yourself and to be happy. I understand why you'd feel guilt but it would be misplaced.
Do you have a therapist? One would be a helpful resource for you no matter how this unfolds.
posted by sockermom at 1:21 PM on April 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I'm really surprised you are thinking about not heeding your boss's admonition to leave your co-worker alone.
I would be appalled if I had something going on, called my boss and let him know what the situation was, and then was disturbed in the midst of my personal problem by the police pounding on my door who were sent by a busy-body coworker who ignored my boss's instruction to leave me alone.
You have admitted that you are "kinda friends," which means you aren't really friends, you just know each other from work. This intrusion you are contemplating has a high chance of going very badly for you and making your friend very upset. Be prepared for that.
posted by jayder at 2:20 PM on April 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
I would be appalled if I had something going on, called my boss and let him know what the situation was, and then was disturbed in the midst of my personal problem by the police pounding on my door who were sent by a busy-body coworker who ignored my boss's instruction to leave me alone.
You have admitted that you are "kinda friends," which means you aren't really friends, you just know each other from work. This intrusion you are contemplating has a high chance of going very badly for you and making your friend very upset. Be prepared for that.
posted by jayder at 2:20 PM on April 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
Best answer: If you're really concerned that you'd be violating her privacy, text one more time and say "Hey, you haven't been to work and I can't reach you, and I'm seriously worried about you -- I don't want to intrude, but could you just at least let me know you're ok? Because if I don't hear from you in the next couple of hours, I really feel like I need to alert the police that you're missing."
I still think it's kinda insane that no one has done this yet; again, the boss hasn't said he knows a thing other than that he wants you to leave her alone for whatever reason.
posted by holborne at 2:28 PM on April 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
I still think it's kinda insane that no one has done this yet; again, the boss hasn't said he knows a thing other than that he wants you to leave her alone for whatever reason.
posted by holborne at 2:28 PM on April 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
All right, look jayder has probably articulated the realistic version of your worst fears. holborne just came up with the most effective course of action.
It seems that that case you had as an interpreter deeply affected you, and the idea that someone could just disappear and come to harm unnoticed is a real thing in your experience, not something theoretical.
You have the fact that she has a history of disappearing, that people were concerned enough to pursue her before, and now seem apathetic. There could be reasons for that that you don't know about. Maybe your boss does know something and simply expects you to follow orders.
We don't know if she's depressed or if you're not thinking clearly about that. The idea that you could have driven her to suicide by being too happy is odd. However, there was one colleague who took it seriously enough to accompany you to knock on her door, so this whole thing is evidently not something you've just projected onto her.
IDK, I was temping in an office once where several staff were worried about another temp. This girl had diabetes, and also was so conscientious that she would phone in if she was going to be 5 minutes late - and that morning she was awol. They called the temp agency who just blew it off as not a matter of concern. In my opinion, that was an occasion for urgent texting leading up to calling the police. Maybe this girl had been put on another assignment by the temp agency, or was just plain goofing off, and maybe calling the police would have gotten her in trouble or made her mad. I'd take that risk, TBH, given what I already knew about that particular person.
Do what holborne said - text her and tell her you're calling the cops if she doesn't acknowledge.
Funny story: I went abroad to a conference, leaving my then 83-year-old mother at home. I call her on the first day, we talk. I call her on the second day, we talk. On the third day I'm too busy to call her and by bedtime, she hasn't called me, so I call her. It's late at night, she said she was going out on Thursday night and tonight is Wednesday. She said Thursday more than once and on more than one occasion, so I don't think she got the days mixed up. In any case, she would be home by now.
I call the landline. I call her cell. I call the landline. I call the cell. I call the upstairs line. She's an insomniac who has been kept awake by the sound of the cat snoring, there is no way those phone calls and the messages I left didn't wake her up.
I keep calling. And I keep calling. And I keep calling.
What to do? My intuition tells me she's probably fast asleep, but on the other hand, she's 83 and hasn't been in contact when she said she would, and I won't be home for two more days. I decided this was probably an occasion to fly by instruments, not to decide my mother was the exception to all normal laws of mortality and safety.
I call and I call and I call and I call and I call. I start saying "mom please pick up, if you don't answer this I'm calling the hospitals and then the police" and of course, still nothing. Needless to say, my phone bill racked up into the hundreds that night. I check for train disruptions from the capital. I finally call the hospitals and she's not there. Eventually, I call the police station and explain to them what I've explained to you here. I think maybe they'll phone her, or knock on the door or whatever. And in the meantime, I keep calling.
Eventually she picks up. Turns out the cops are right there with her in the living room, having broken down the front door in order to get to her because she wasn't responding. She hadn't heard any of the literally hundreds of phone calls or answerphone messages I had left by then, and she hadn't heard the cops pounding on the door, because she'd been so deeply asleep. She finally woke up when the cops got into her bedroom and shook her awake. This tops the occasion in high school, when I was on a foreign exchange and got a burst appendix, and they had to get her permission to operate because I was underage. I waited hours and hours while they kept calling and calling, and one of the teachers finally sent her sister over to ring the doorbell and that woke her up at last. But you know, the tel3mum's a terrible insomniac!
Yeah anyway, I had three hours's sleep that night at the conference and it goes without saying that both my presentations were scheduled for the next day, because of course.
Bonus epilogue: the living room was being painted and my mother couldn't get to the yellow pages because of the furniture being all moved around, so she couldn't call a front-door repairman. So she happily lived without a front door for two days until the living room was cleaned up.
posted by tel3path at 2:58 PM on April 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
It seems that that case you had as an interpreter deeply affected you, and the idea that someone could just disappear and come to harm unnoticed is a real thing in your experience, not something theoretical.
You have the fact that she has a history of disappearing, that people were concerned enough to pursue her before, and now seem apathetic. There could be reasons for that that you don't know about. Maybe your boss does know something and simply expects you to follow orders.
We don't know if she's depressed or if you're not thinking clearly about that. The idea that you could have driven her to suicide by being too happy is odd. However, there was one colleague who took it seriously enough to accompany you to knock on her door, so this whole thing is evidently not something you've just projected onto her.
IDK, I was temping in an office once where several staff were worried about another temp. This girl had diabetes, and also was so conscientious that she would phone in if she was going to be 5 minutes late - and that morning she was awol. They called the temp agency who just blew it off as not a matter of concern. In my opinion, that was an occasion for urgent texting leading up to calling the police. Maybe this girl had been put on another assignment by the temp agency, or was just plain goofing off, and maybe calling the police would have gotten her in trouble or made her mad. I'd take that risk, TBH, given what I already knew about that particular person.
Do what holborne said - text her and tell her you're calling the cops if she doesn't acknowledge.
Funny story: I went abroad to a conference, leaving my then 83-year-old mother at home. I call her on the first day, we talk. I call her on the second day, we talk. On the third day I'm too busy to call her and by bedtime, she hasn't called me, so I call her. It's late at night, she said she was going out on Thursday night and tonight is Wednesday. She said Thursday more than once and on more than one occasion, so I don't think she got the days mixed up. In any case, she would be home by now.
I call the landline. I call her cell. I call the landline. I call the cell. I call the upstairs line. She's an insomniac who has been kept awake by the sound of the cat snoring, there is no way those phone calls and the messages I left didn't wake her up.
I keep calling. And I keep calling. And I keep calling.
What to do? My intuition tells me she's probably fast asleep, but on the other hand, she's 83 and hasn't been in contact when she said she would, and I won't be home for two more days. I decided this was probably an occasion to fly by instruments, not to decide my mother was the exception to all normal laws of mortality and safety.
I call and I call and I call and I call and I call. I start saying "mom please pick up, if you don't answer this I'm calling the hospitals and then the police" and of course, still nothing. Needless to say, my phone bill racked up into the hundreds that night. I check for train disruptions from the capital. I finally call the hospitals and she's not there. Eventually, I call the police station and explain to them what I've explained to you here. I think maybe they'll phone her, or knock on the door or whatever. And in the meantime, I keep calling.
Eventually she picks up. Turns out the cops are right there with her in the living room, having broken down the front door in order to get to her because she wasn't responding. She hadn't heard any of the literally hundreds of phone calls or answerphone messages I had left by then, and she hadn't heard the cops pounding on the door, because she'd been so deeply asleep. She finally woke up when the cops got into her bedroom and shook her awake. This tops the occasion in high school, when I was on a foreign exchange and got a burst appendix, and they had to get her permission to operate because I was underage. I waited hours and hours while they kept calling and calling, and one of the teachers finally sent her sister over to ring the doorbell and that woke her up at last. But you know, the tel3mum's a terrible insomniac!
Yeah anyway, I had three hours's sleep that night at the conference and it goes without saying that both my presentations were scheduled for the next day, because of course.
Bonus epilogue: the living room was being painted and my mother couldn't get to the yellow pages because of the furniture being all moved around, so she couldn't call a front-door repairman. So she happily lived without a front door for two days until the living room was cleaned up.
posted by tel3path at 2:58 PM on April 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
Best answer: "Because if I don't hear from you in the next couple of hours, I really feel like I need to alert the police that you're missing"
Just an opposing view... I hate this kind of semi-extortionate attempt to get a response out of someone who wants to be left alone.
If you do this, you're putting her in the position of being FORCED to come out of her seclusion (which is her right) or deal with police banging on her door. Not cool.
posted by jayder at 3:00 PM on April 1, 2015 [8 favorites]
Just an opposing view... I hate this kind of semi-extortionate attempt to get a response out of someone who wants to be left alone.
If you do this, you're putting her in the position of being FORCED to come out of her seclusion (which is her right) or deal with police banging on her door. Not cool.
posted by jayder at 3:00 PM on April 1, 2015 [8 favorites]
Best answer: Apparently there are some people that can imagine needing solitude so badly that they'd rather be dead then have people care enough to come looking for them. But I think that's an extreme position, you can't read this girl's mind to find that out, and there's not enough evidence to support it as a guess in this case.
posted by bleep at 3:05 PM on April 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by bleep at 3:05 PM on April 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I get that seclusion is her right, but I feel like she should go about isolating herself in less alarming ways given that it's her experience that people come looking for her when she goes awol like this. Presumably she could have taken leave officially, but instead she just disappeared.
The fact that your boss isn't alarmed suggests that he may know something you don't, and unless it's a cultural norm over there that you can just vanish unannounced and not get fired, that's the strongest argument for there being more to it.
I will say that maybe the whole office decided they felt manipulated the last couple of times and aren't going to get jerked around this time, and they may be right, but you do make it sound like they're unreasonably blowing it off.
posted by tel3path at 3:07 PM on April 1, 2015 [9 favorites]
The fact that your boss isn't alarmed suggests that he may know something you don't, and unless it's a cultural norm over there that you can just vanish unannounced and not get fired, that's the strongest argument for there being more to it.
I will say that maybe the whole office decided they felt manipulated the last couple of times and aren't going to get jerked around this time, and they may be right, but you do make it sound like they're unreasonably blowing it off.
posted by tel3path at 3:07 PM on April 1, 2015 [9 favorites]
Best answer: Hello there LoonyLovegood, I'm a cop from a medium sized Canadian city, and your question hit on something that I often wonder about....
First, here is my answer to your question: Call the police if you think your friend is missing, or a risk to harm themselves or anyone else.
Now, I'll think out loud for a minute, and reflect on something that confuses me....
I do not understand why people cede so many decisions about the real world to their employers. You know your friend through work, but this isn't something that is happening at work. I am often surprised about the number of actual crimes that happen in workplaces that are reported (if at all) only to HR and never to the police. . . I'm even more confused why anyone would let their boss have a say about what goes out outside the job.
Let me put it this way. Pretend this is a friend that worked somewhere else. Would you ask your boss or their boss what to do? I feel like if I was looking for a friend I might ask their boss if they knew where they were, but if I didn't get an answer that satisfied me I would continue to look or get the cops involved.
Now, that said there are some side issues brought up in your post about whether or not the boss might actually know more than they're saying, and being outside your home country and in a sort of diplomatic role may mean your boss does have a say in how you interact with local authorities.
All that aside, I can tell you as a cop that there's nothing better than a timely report when someone goes missing. At least in Canada there is none of this "must wait 24 hours" nonsense and in my opinion the sooner the cops get involved the better.
The only value to waiting seems to be the possibility of avoiding social friction, first with the person in question, and second with the boss. I don't think you need to tell the boss what you decide (so that's one down) and I think the risk of embarrassing someone who is "missing" but actually fine is far outweighed by the value of interceding with the occasional ill/injured/suicidal person that could benefit from quick action.
I'd also like to point out, on the issue of embarrassing people, that the cops won't necessarily have to tell you what they find out. I think people often assume that because they called it in then they will get a full report, we found X in hospital Y, etc. I've often had to tell people that we found so-and-so and they're fine, full stop, when the missing person didn't want to be found, and the missing person we found would get approval on what we did or did not say beyond that. The person who called may not get to find out exactly what happened, but at least we can give them peace of mind by confirming the person is at least alive.
posted by BlueSock at 7:23 PM on April 1, 2015 [33 favorites]
First, here is my answer to your question: Call the police if you think your friend is missing, or a risk to harm themselves or anyone else.
Now, I'll think out loud for a minute, and reflect on something that confuses me....
I do not understand why people cede so many decisions about the real world to their employers. You know your friend through work, but this isn't something that is happening at work. I am often surprised about the number of actual crimes that happen in workplaces that are reported (if at all) only to HR and never to the police. . . I'm even more confused why anyone would let their boss have a say about what goes out outside the job.
Let me put it this way. Pretend this is a friend that worked somewhere else. Would you ask your boss or their boss what to do? I feel like if I was looking for a friend I might ask their boss if they knew where they were, but if I didn't get an answer that satisfied me I would continue to look or get the cops involved.
Now, that said there are some side issues brought up in your post about whether or not the boss might actually know more than they're saying, and being outside your home country and in a sort of diplomatic role may mean your boss does have a say in how you interact with local authorities.
All that aside, I can tell you as a cop that there's nothing better than a timely report when someone goes missing. At least in Canada there is none of this "must wait 24 hours" nonsense and in my opinion the sooner the cops get involved the better.
The only value to waiting seems to be the possibility of avoiding social friction, first with the person in question, and second with the boss. I don't think you need to tell the boss what you decide (so that's one down) and I think the risk of embarrassing someone who is "missing" but actually fine is far outweighed by the value of interceding with the occasional ill/injured/suicidal person that could benefit from quick action.
I'd also like to point out, on the issue of embarrassing people, that the cops won't necessarily have to tell you what they find out. I think people often assume that because they called it in then they will get a full report, we found X in hospital Y, etc. I've often had to tell people that we found so-and-so and they're fine, full stop, when the missing person didn't want to be found, and the missing person we found would get approval on what we did or did not say beyond that. The person who called may not get to find out exactly what happened, but at least we can give them peace of mind by confirming the person is at least alive.
posted by BlueSock at 7:23 PM on April 1, 2015 [33 favorites]
FWIW, if I took a few days off and then a coworker phoned me, texted me, and knocked on my door at home, I'd be *furious.* I vote leave her alone.
our other colleague said that if the young woman was her daughter, she'd not be that worried, and that she believes she won't harm herself.
If you are causing speculation at the office about your colleague's emotional health, please stop it. That's a really gross, shitty thing to do.
Personally, I think your judgement is off and your instincts here are strange ones. This really isn't your business. Go see your boss in the morning and ask him to call the police. If he won't, tell him you would like to. But other than that, drop this. All this stuff you're doing isn't going to help, and it could be very hurtful for someone you say is your friend.
posted by Susan PG at 12:07 AM on April 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
our other colleague said that if the young woman was her daughter, she'd not be that worried, and that she believes she won't harm herself.
If you are causing speculation at the office about your colleague's emotional health, please stop it. That's a really gross, shitty thing to do.
Personally, I think your judgement is off and your instincts here are strange ones. This really isn't your business. Go see your boss in the morning and ask him to call the police. If he won't, tell him you would like to. But other than that, drop this. All this stuff you're doing isn't going to help, and it could be very hurtful for someone you say is your friend.
posted by Susan PG at 12:07 AM on April 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: I am absolutely not trying to damage my coworker's reputation in any way, or annoy her. I am simply worried because people who have known her longer expressed worry about her mental state.
The colleague I went with yesterday asked our boss for a direct answer and apparently, boss is in contact with her and said she'd come back soon. I wish he had told me that before I worried so much. (And I hope he is right...)
Anyway, thank you for all the answers. I will try to treat her normally when she comes back.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 12:58 AM on April 2, 2015 [9 favorites]
The colleague I went with yesterday asked our boss for a direct answer and apparently, boss is in contact with her and said she'd come back soon. I wish he had told me that before I worried so much. (And I hope he is right...)
Anyway, thank you for all the answers. I will try to treat her normally when she comes back.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 12:58 AM on April 2, 2015 [9 favorites]
Best answer: Your boss made a mistake when he chose to be vague in a situation like this. The professional, grown up thing to do is state the reality clearly and respecting your friend's privacy.
Don't feel bad and please don't let this discourage you if you are in a similar situation in the future. On the contrary, next time be more assertive because you were right, and your boss was wrong.
Your friend is not to blame on this at all. This is really all on your boss. She was careful enough to keep him informed and that is all she could do.
posted by Tarumba at 5:44 AM on April 2, 2015 [7 favorites]
Don't feel bad and please don't let this discourage you if you are in a similar situation in the future. On the contrary, next time be more assertive because you were right, and your boss was wrong.
Your friend is not to blame on this at all. This is really all on your boss. She was careful enough to keep him informed and that is all she could do.
posted by Tarumba at 5:44 AM on April 2, 2015 [7 favorites]
When I asked our boss if she had called in sick, he gave a vague reply...
My boss said to leave her alone...
This says to me that your co-worker went to your boss and requested time-off to take care of some extremely personal matter which the boss is not at liberty to reveal, and which she isn't comfortable sharing with anyone else at this time. It certainly sounds like your boss knows what's going on, at the very least.
Let it go.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:54 AM on April 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
My boss said to leave her alone...
This says to me that your co-worker went to your boss and requested time-off to take care of some extremely personal matter which the boss is not at liberty to reveal, and which she isn't comfortable sharing with anyone else at this time. It certainly sounds like your boss knows what's going on, at the very least.
Let it go.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:54 AM on April 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
This just seems like a boss problem to me. "Have you heard from Clelia, boss?" "Well, that's not something that we really talk about here." [or whatever vagueness] versus "Have you heard from Clelia, boss?" "She is away for a few days and will be back in the near future."
If your boss thinks that admitting that someone is on a permitted leave of absence is a violation of privacy...well, when you first wrote this question about a young woman in a foreign country and an evasive boss, part of me was wondering if he had done away with her himself.
posted by Frowner at 6:45 AM on April 2, 2015 [7 favorites]
If your boss thinks that admitting that someone is on a permitted leave of absence is a violation of privacy...well, when you first wrote this question about a young woman in a foreign country and an evasive boss, part of me was wondering if he had done away with her himself.
posted by Frowner at 6:45 AM on April 2, 2015 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Thank you for the followup. I was worried about your coworker too!
I understand people being concerned about her privacy. I myself have been known to go pretty non-contact with the world at large for periods longer than this. But in this situation, before your boss finally let it be known that he had been in contact with her and this was an agreed-upon absence, you'd better believe I would have called in a wellness check. Privacy is important. But not being hurt or dead is kind of more important. I think your instincts were absolutely right, even if it turned out your concern wasn't required this time. Honestly, even when I was hiding and more or less okay, I wouldn't have been upset that someone cared enough to try to ensure that I was all right.
I also don't think you were making it about you. I think you were worried. I think that is a good impulse. It means you cared. And we could do with more of that, not less.
Thank you for caring, and please don't let anyone stop you from doing it in the future.
posted by Because at 8:13 AM on April 2, 2015 [12 favorites]
I understand people being concerned about her privacy. I myself have been known to go pretty non-contact with the world at large for periods longer than this. But in this situation, before your boss finally let it be known that he had been in contact with her and this was an agreed-upon absence, you'd better believe I would have called in a wellness check. Privacy is important. But not being hurt or dead is kind of more important. I think your instincts were absolutely right, even if it turned out your concern wasn't required this time. Honestly, even when I was hiding and more or less okay, I wouldn't have been upset that someone cared enough to try to ensure that I was all right.
I also don't think you were making it about you. I think you were worried. I think that is a good impulse. It means you cared. And we could do with more of that, not less.
Thank you for caring, and please don't let anyone stop you from doing it in the future.
posted by Because at 8:13 AM on April 2, 2015 [12 favorites]
In case something like this comes up again: the only thing that mattered here was whether her boss knew she was taking time off. That's what you should have asked him.
You now know that your boss has been in contact with her. That means she deliberately didn't answer, or for whatever reason couldn't answer, your texts and calls and knocking at the door. Anything could have happened. Maybe a family member died, or she is renewing her visa, or an old friend came to town, or she was raped, or had a surgery scheduled, or is applying for a new job, or caught a cold. None of it is your business, and if she wanted you to know, she would have told you.
The point is, she's not accountable to you, and it's not her responsibility to inform everyone in the office she will be away. It's her responsibility to inform her boss, which it sounds like she did. So yes, when she returns to the office I think it makes sense for you to downplay your concerns, and accept whatever explanation she supplies (even if it's no explanation).
posted by Susan PG at 11:32 AM on April 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
You now know that your boss has been in contact with her. That means she deliberately didn't answer, or for whatever reason couldn't answer, your texts and calls and knocking at the door. Anything could have happened. Maybe a family member died, or she is renewing her visa, or an old friend came to town, or she was raped, or had a surgery scheduled, or is applying for a new job, or caught a cold. None of it is your business, and if she wanted you to know, she would have told you.
The point is, she's not accountable to you, and it's not her responsibility to inform everyone in the office she will be away. It's her responsibility to inform her boss, which it sounds like she did. So yes, when she returns to the office I think it makes sense for you to downplay your concerns, and accept whatever explanation she supplies (even if it's no explanation).
posted by Susan PG at 11:32 AM on April 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 10:58 AM on April 1, 2015 [42 favorites]