What happened to your fingers?!?

March 15, 2015 1:31 PM

I obsessively bite the skin around my fingernails (sometimes to the point of bleeding). This is been going on since around the age of 12. I've successfully stopped a few times, but never manage to stick with it. Lately it's gotten pretty bad and I've gotten random comments from strangers, coworkers and family friends along the lines of "What happened to your fingers? Did you hurt yourself?" I then sputter off some awkward response . . .

Needless to say, such comments are highly embarrassing to me and I don't know how to respond. Please help me figure out a quick reply to shut down or redirect the conversation, that keeps the level of awkwardness to a minimum.

*I know this may be something I should seek help for from a professional but my question is about how to deflect inquires from people I would rather not explain my problem to

posted by Blissful to Human Relations (24 answers total)

I have this problem. Usually it's only noticeable when it's really bad. I usually just tell people "Yeah I pick more at my cuticles when I'm nervous/stressed. I'm working on it." People don't want to get more in depth with advice or "What are you nervous about?" most of the time if they're not friends. If they follow-up with questions/advice I just ay "I'm working on it" like a broken record.
posted by jessamyn at 1:37 PM on March 15, 2015 [8 favorites]

Best answer: "Oh, it's just a skin condition that looks worse than it is. My doctor is aware. So, how 'bout them Mets? [or other immediate divert]" would be my suggestion.
posted by blue suede stockings at 1:43 PM on March 15, 2015 [10 favorites]

Best answer: I deliberately and very casually tell people, "Yeah. It's a habit I have that I don't notice I'm doing and that I do it when I'm over tired or thinking deeply."

This response makes me feel like I'm not giving stress to other people who notice it, that they think they're giving me stress, or part of the problem... and also as it's subconscious, that I'm not suffering when I'm doing it.

People with insight and sensitivity know otherwise, but generally my response deflects the intense shame and self consciousness I have sometimes felt.

Hugs. It's shite.
posted by taff at 1:48 PM on March 15, 2015 [9 favorites]

I have the same thing. I usually just say an airy "oh, I know, it's a horrible habit!" Which is a nice way of conveying "hey, I'm aware of this, it's not a big deal, you don't need to worry about it." This usually reassures people because who doesn't have some sort of weird nervous habit?

Sometimes people will persist - if they're offering advice, I just thank them. If they want to ask me more about it, I just say variations on "It's a horrible habit!" a few more times before finding a way to change the subject. Not because I'm super-uncomfortable talking about it, but because there's not much else to say about it, you know?
posted by lunasol at 1:48 PM on March 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

I'm looking at my several of my own raw, bitten cuticles as I type... A) It's kind of rude of them to ask in the first place, B) I just say, "bad habit" and change the subject, C) for me, dry skin and hangnails make it worse, so I'm obsessive about manicures and hand cream for super lizard-dry skin.

PS, it's called dermatophagia and is in the same category of compulsive behaviors as hair chewing, hair pulling, skin picking and and nail biting. So know you have lots of people in your boat including me!
posted by cecic at 1:55 PM on March 15, 2015 [2 favorites]

"Oh, it's just a skin condition that looks worse than it is. My doctor is aware. So, how 'bout them Mets? [or other immediate divert]" would be my suggestion.

This exactly. You don't owe anyone insight into your mental state/nervous habits, etc. FWIW, I had pretty bad eczema on my fingers at one point, and I answered questions from the curious in this manner.
posted by Klaxon Aoooogah at 1:56 PM on March 15, 2015 [8 favorites]

Former coworker, when I asked, said, "You sound like my mom." I realized quickly I was an ass for asking and he was asked this question enough to be tired of being polite about it. It was also one of the first clues I got that this guy did not consider us friends.

Thing is with most habits like this, it's not like the individual is unaware it's an issue, so pointing it out serves no purpose.
posted by cjorgensen at 2:12 PM on March 15, 2015 [4 favorites]

I definitely do this (though I've never been asked about it). As aubilenon and cecic say, it's easier if you can stay on top of the dry rough cuticles to start with. Yes clippers (in my purse, in my desk drawer, on my side of the couch at home) and yes to moisturizing frequently. I like Burt's Bees lemon butter cuticle cream. 1-2x a day has made a huge difference in the overall gnawability of my fingers.

But yeah asking you about it is super rude. I'd blow them off.
posted by librarina at 2:13 PM on March 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

"They are dry and cracked from the winter/hot and dry weather and handwashing."

I've been putting medicated chapstick on mine. Day 1 of no biting (again, again, again) starts tomorrow.
posted by kimberussell at 2:45 PM on March 15, 2015 [4 favorites]

I used to do this too. when asked, I would generally just dismiss it as a "nervous habit" and change topics.

I was able to (mostly) stop by replacing the behavior with one that is less destructive. I realized that when anxious or concentrating, it helped to have something to do with my hands, and that if there was any rough skin on them I would pick at it. I make sure that I have a nail file or cuticle stone nearby, so that instead of picking, I reach for the file and use it to gently smooth the cuticle. Admittedly, I have gotten some odd looks when doing this at work, but I'd have probably gotten the same odd looks for picking at my nails, and at least I get a nice manicure out of it. This really works, give it a try. Chapstick on the cuticles helps a lot as well.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 3:13 PM on March 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

I agree with everyone suggesting using the word habit. Everyone has a habit they want to break and would like to avoid discussing. When I'm feeling contrary (mean), I'll ask (lash out) them if they have any habits they need to break. I don't suggest my method as it's another habit I'd like to end.
posted by Lil Bit of Pepper at 3:39 PM on March 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

"Why do you need to know?"
posted by Jubey at 3:59 PM on March 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

Nth "skin condition". It freaks people out. People (friends, family) used to get very concerned about and disturbed by the look of my hands, and would sometimes take it upon themselves to actually smack my hand down if they saw it nearing my mouth. "Try this", "try that" - it's well meant, but cut that stuff off at the pass, none of their business.
posted by cotton dress sock at 4:29 PM on March 15, 2015

I just laugh and say, "I've been biting my nails since I was in the womb." And then something like "old habits die hard," "dumb habit." We've all got them.
posted by bendy at 5:03 PM on March 15, 2015

Yeah, just tell people you're seeing a doctor for it, but aggressive lotioning helps avoid them being in a position to gnaw. I do it, too. I take biotin supplements for my nails, as well, but i think that might not do as much good.
posted by winna at 5:16 PM on March 15, 2015

I do this. It fluctuates with stress so that's what I tell people. When coworkers have asked, I say, "Oh, I chew on my cuticles when work stresses me out," then I make crazy eyes and laugh sarcastically until they leave my office.

I like to think that it shuts them down from making asinine comments about my fingers which is, to me, a weird thing for another person to be interested in. I don't ask why they bite their nails or why they so clearly over tweeze thier eyebrows or why they've chosen not to have removed the distracting skin tags on their face when they could so clearly afford it with the six figures they're always bragging about. I guess what I'm saying is, you can say, "I bite my cuticles," and then if they think that there's some conversation to be had about it, it's ok to tell them to fuck off in your own way. I bet if you're a chewer like me, you're also prone to nervousness, anxiety and irrational guilt about everything. Don't add to this to the list of things you feel you have to apologize for!
posted by mibo at 6:42 PM on March 15, 2015

1. Carry nail files. Use them. I find I do this much less often when my nails aren't raggedy - and they're so soft that without care, they get raggedy all on their own.

2. The act of doing this is self-love and self-grooming. It's the opposite of our self-destructive nailbiting. It's a good cognitive countermeasure!

3. My therapist suggested returning to thumbsucking (AFAICT, I went straight from late thumbsucking to nailbiting). He points out at my age, it won't ruin my teeth, it will provide the oral-digital feedback, and it's far less damaging. Not publicly as acceptable, but in private... I'm thinking I'm gonna try a quasi-fingertip sucking as a step.
posted by IAmBroom at 8:08 PM on March 15, 2015

I have this, too. I think deep down it's connected a psychological issue (although probably mild in the grand scheme of things), and related to issues connected to OCD (at least for me, although I have not been officially diagnosed). I just had a lot of repetitive behaviors growing up that were stress related and felt compulsive, and biting my nails fell into the circle of those behaviors. Over the years I've learned to cope with it, and I don't bite the nails any more to the point of pain, but I do still bite the skin around the fingers. The reason that it's tough for me is that in the moment, I genuinely like the pleasure that comes from that activity more than I dislike what it is going to do to my fingers, so that's my personal catch. So, there's a thought process there for me that is weighing benefits and setbacks, and I can acknowledge that benefit is kind of weird while still wanting to do it.

What is interesting is that the only time that I've had the desire totally go to a manageable place is when I've taken Trazodone for insomnia. What is interesting about this drug is that it is also an old-school antidepressant that is mainly used for sleep disorders now, but it was totally a mood elevator for me and eliminated a lot of anxiety and atypical depression I've experienced for years that I wasn't aware of, rather unexpectedly. I think the theory for why it works (they aren't sure on this one) is that it encourages serotonin production in the brain. So my theory is that there's a relationship, at least for me, between low serotonin, anxiety, and some repetitive action type disorder that presents as nail biting.

I have no idea if any of that is helpful for you, but I think the connection between clinical depression (even more mild ones, like atypical depression) are worth considering. I should also add that I'm aware that your question was how to deflect questions, but I felt compelled to just share my story with you from one nail-biter to another, because I was feeling some sympathy.

In terms of comments from people, I haven't gotten a ton of them over the years. But I do get them from my kids and sometimes family members. Like some of the comments above, I generally mention that it's something I'm working on, and that seems to nip the conversation pretty quickly. I think some of the tension is in feeling a bit embarrassed about it and not wanting to admit I have a vice, but I think the best way to handle it is just to note it honesty and park in the mental space of everyone having their own stuff to work on, including those who are being nosy about it.
posted by SpacemanStix at 8:58 PM on March 15, 2015

This really works, give it a try.

I do this to some extent, too, and I can't nth the "nail file" trick enough. Don't do it on your nails (well not only your nails), but use it on the rough patches of skin you'd normally be tempted to pick at. It does an amazing job removing dry skin and smoothing everything down, and the activity seems to scratch the same itch of wanting to get rid of everything that doesn't feel right. Follow with moisturizer, and now you have hands that feel great.. I wish I had discovered it a long time ago.

As for what to tell people? "My skin is especially sensitive to dryness and cracks pretty easily." It's essentially true; when my cuticles are in good shape and not dry and rough I have no urge to mess with them. I don't think people need to hear about my struggles with nervous habits and would think a person was pretty intrusive if they asked.
posted by Miko at 10:00 PM on March 15, 2015 [2 favorites]

I like responding with a non sequitur. The more random, the more obviously it points out the inappropriateness of the question.
posted by mchorn at 5:56 AM on March 16, 2015 [2 favorites]

I do this, though only rarely is it noticeable. When folks have asked, I've responded, "Oh, it's just a habit of mine." And then changed the subject. No one has pushed me for further details.
posted by Urban Winter at 7:58 AM on March 16, 2015

Response by poster: Thanks everyone for the advice (both abut deflecting questions and about stopping the habit!). It's all been very helpful.

Just to clarify, it unfortunately goes beyond just my cuticles (in fact, I usually leave my cuticles alone)! I tend to bite off the skin that is at the tips of my fingers, which leaves my figer tips looking raw. *sigh*
posted by Blissful at 10:59 AM on March 16, 2015

I used to bite my nails and now instead of my nails I gnaw the hard dry skin around my fingertips that becomes enticingly apparent when I trim my nails. For me this is when it happens. I bite the skin down until there is nothing left to gnaw or peel, and then a day or so later I bite the scabs and then I stop because there is nothing left to bite until two weeks or so later when I trim my nails again... You may also bite at a specific time in your grooming/nail growing cycle.

If there is no dead skin layer around your finger tips you won't have anything to bite. You may, like me, have particular times when the dead skin and callous layers are especially tangible. If I wanted to break this habit - which I don't, as I enjoy it - I would make a point of soaking my hands in a long hot bath, trimming the nails and then debriding them gently with a bit of pumice while they were still soft, and massaging lots of coconut oil into them until there were no ridges or lumps to tempt my teeth.

Sometimes your skin will produce lots of dry skin that cracks because you are providing a home to a strain of fungus that does this. If you have lots of dry and cracky skin (and especially if you get thick yellow nails) try rinsing your skin with vinegar. Soap encourages the growth of this fungus because it likes a basic environment. Vinegar discourages it because it dislikes an acidic environment.

If you feel awful about admitting that you bite your fingers and eat your own skin because it makes you self conscious, take up a hobby like assembling dry stone walls. This will damage your fingertips from time to time and when someone asks what happened to your fingertips you can tell them that you build stone walls and damage your fingers that way. You don't actually have to take up the hobby. Just built two or three inukshuks. Clumsily putting finishing nails into a picture frame with a tack hammer can also work. Or doing some kind of car mechanics.

Or you could lie outright and tell them that your wife lined the piano keys with sandpaper, or that you accidentally got your nail-polish-remover muddled with a bottle of drain cleaner, or that you suspect your gerbil has rabies because it has gotten really aggressive lately... You don't have to tell the truth when a preposterous lie will do.

It may be that people are asking intrusive questions because they are afraid of bio-hazards. I had a co-worker with a skin condition that used to leave blood smears on the papers she touched with the heel of her palms and some of the office found it quite off-putting. You may find that if you gain just enough control of your habit so that there are no bloody scabs visible nobody will inquire about it. And that might not require much apart from carefully soaking the scabs off your hands and applying liquid bandage before you go to work, or on your breaks.
posted by Jane the Brown at 4:49 PM on March 16, 2015

I do this. It's often a sign of OCD. I just tell them that I enjoy the taste of human flesh and then smile.
posted by longbaugh at 8:13 AM on March 17, 2015