Long distance or bust!
March 11, 2015 10:06 AM Subscribe
I'm want to (eventually) move to be with a boyfriend 8,000 miles away. Am I being an idiot? Apologies in advance for the long letter inside.
Dear AskMefi,
You've always provided good advice that I need to hear, and I'm hoping that you can do that again for me.
I've dated a man, K, on and off for the past three years, amounting to seven months of dating in person and twelve months long distance. We're 8,000 miles apart. I'm young, just early twenties, and K is in his late twenties. The only way we will ever live in the same place long term is if I move to him, to a city where the language and culture are foreign to me. And even tougher is that because of both our career ambitions, the earliest that would be is 2020.
The catalyst for this AskMe is this: I don't know when I'll see K next. My next visit will likely be September of this year, mostly because of his demanding schedule. It would be after he begins a multi-year graduate program, located in a country marginally closer. I last saw him for a week in December and then June before that, but nine months might just be too long. I earn enough that I would happily visit him every three months if only he'd let me, even if for a weekend. (I know, I'm ridiculous to be willing to spend an hour in an airplane for every hour I would spend with him. It's probably good that he doesn't want me to do this.) I'm considering a temporary office transfer to wherever he'll be in a year or two. I don't think he will be able to visit me in the next few years.
I'm weighed by doubts. I love K, and I think the world of him, and yet... I wonder if I should go. I wonder if I'm signing myself up to be cheated on or taken advantage of or tossed aside, even though he's one of the kindest, boldest people I know. I worry that I'm wasting "prime dating time" by being stuck in a dead-end relationship. I feel an empty envy when I see my friends with their SOs.
But—and this is a huge "but," rivaling Kim Kardashian's—K makes me crazy happy. I wake up to his IM messages and I beam. I anticipate his waking up (afternoon in my time zone) so that we can chat. The dude makes me feel so incredibly secure in my love for him when I let myself define this relationship with what it is and not what it could be. When I'm hopeful, I'm so hopeful that I think that we could be the ones to overcome infinitesimal odds. Sometimes I even let myself think the taboo: that he's perfect, that he's a soul mate, every one of those phrases that end up breaking hearts. And then I remind myself that it took six months of quasi-LDRing just for him to admit that we're still de facto dating.
Am I flirting with disaster? Am I putting all this effort into a dead-in-the-water relationship while K enjoys my attention? Would he even bother with me and all the difficulty of a long distance relationship if he wasn't serious?
Please help me decide what to do. I wrote this post lightheartedly, but I've cried over K so many times. By now he has been a driving force in most of my adult life. Four times we planned to break up, and four times we lost our resolve, even him with all his commitment-phobic waffling. I've even dated other people only to realize just how much I'm in love with K. If we should break up, how do I make it stick?
Many thanks and much love,
Anon
Dear AskMefi,
You've always provided good advice that I need to hear, and I'm hoping that you can do that again for me.
I've dated a man, K, on and off for the past three years, amounting to seven months of dating in person and twelve months long distance. We're 8,000 miles apart. I'm young, just early twenties, and K is in his late twenties. The only way we will ever live in the same place long term is if I move to him, to a city where the language and culture are foreign to me. And even tougher is that because of both our career ambitions, the earliest that would be is 2020.
The catalyst for this AskMe is this: I don't know when I'll see K next. My next visit will likely be September of this year, mostly because of his demanding schedule. It would be after he begins a multi-year graduate program, located in a country marginally closer. I last saw him for a week in December and then June before that, but nine months might just be too long. I earn enough that I would happily visit him every three months if only he'd let me, even if for a weekend. (I know, I'm ridiculous to be willing to spend an hour in an airplane for every hour I would spend with him. It's probably good that he doesn't want me to do this.) I'm considering a temporary office transfer to wherever he'll be in a year or two. I don't think he will be able to visit me in the next few years.
I'm weighed by doubts. I love K, and I think the world of him, and yet... I wonder if I should go. I wonder if I'm signing myself up to be cheated on or taken advantage of or tossed aside, even though he's one of the kindest, boldest people I know. I worry that I'm wasting "prime dating time" by being stuck in a dead-end relationship. I feel an empty envy when I see my friends with their SOs.
But—and this is a huge "but," rivaling Kim Kardashian's—K makes me crazy happy. I wake up to his IM messages and I beam. I anticipate his waking up (afternoon in my time zone) so that we can chat. The dude makes me feel so incredibly secure in my love for him when I let myself define this relationship with what it is and not what it could be. When I'm hopeful, I'm so hopeful that I think that we could be the ones to overcome infinitesimal odds. Sometimes I even let myself think the taboo: that he's perfect, that he's a soul mate, every one of those phrases that end up breaking hearts. And then I remind myself that it took six months of quasi-LDRing just for him to admit that we're still de facto dating.
Am I flirting with disaster? Am I putting all this effort into a dead-in-the-water relationship while K enjoys my attention? Would he even bother with me and all the difficulty of a long distance relationship if he wasn't serious?
Please help me decide what to do. I wrote this post lightheartedly, but I've cried over K so many times. By now he has been a driving force in most of my adult life. Four times we planned to break up, and four times we lost our resolve, even him with all his commitment-phobic waffling. I've even dated other people only to realize just how much I'm in love with K. If we should break up, how do I make it stick?
Many thanks and much love,
Anon
If two people love each and want to be with together, they work it out. You seem to be the only on trying here. I hate to say this, but I have seen so many friends over the years get heartbroken in situations like this - but please, move on.
How do you make it stick? By really moving on. My friends that moved on (often because they were broken up with when boyfriend DID find the woman he was willing to commit to) always regretted not moving on sooner and were amazed how great it was when they were with someone truly invested in the relationship.
posted by beccaj at 10:15 AM on March 11, 2015 [12 favorites]
How do you make it stick? By really moving on. My friends that moved on (often because they were broken up with when boyfriend DID find the woman he was willing to commit to) always regretted not moving on sooner and were amazed how great it was when they were with someone truly invested in the relationship.
posted by beccaj at 10:15 AM on March 11, 2015 [12 favorites]
There is a reason why catfishing is so successful. You get all the wonderful love feelings and drama from a relationship without the hassle of an actual relationship. You are in a catfish-type relationship with a real man. I've done it. It feels great. It feels safe. But, reality is, if the earliest you can live together is 2020, you are never going to make it. You will not have this man's baby. He will be ready to settle down and marry before you are together. You aren't wasting your time, you're enjoying a safe relationship while enjoying the fun of being single. Just plan on staying single for longer than you meant to ever be.
Cut him off completely. Tell him that you don't see how it will ever work and you want no contact so that you can get over him. If he can't live without you, he will show up at your door and figure out how to make it work. If not, then you will finally be free to find something real.
posted by myselfasme at 10:18 AM on March 11, 2015 [18 favorites]
Cut him off completely. Tell him that you don't see how it will ever work and you want no contact so that you can get over him. If he can't live without you, he will show up at your door and figure out how to make it work. If not, then you will finally be free to find something real.
posted by myselfasme at 10:18 AM on March 11, 2015 [18 favorites]
I'm sorry but it seems as though you're more in love with the idea of him and your relationship, than the actual relationship.
It's also a huge red flag that he rejects your plans to visit? HUGE red flag.
I could only be in an LDR if I had some kind of plan for the future and it seems as though you guys just don't have that. 2020 is a very long way away and you say you've been dating for 3 years already?
You are definitely putting your life on hold and missing out on being in you 20s. You deserve much more.
posted by shesbenevolent at 10:20 AM on March 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
It's also a huge red flag that he rejects your plans to visit? HUGE red flag.
I could only be in an LDR if I had some kind of plan for the future and it seems as though you guys just don't have that. 2020 is a very long way away and you say you've been dating for 3 years already?
You are definitely putting your life on hold and missing out on being in you 20s. You deserve much more.
posted by shesbenevolent at 10:20 AM on March 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
I think it depends on whether you have other reasons for moving to the city than just the relationship. Does the city otherwise seem like somewhere you want to be? Are you excited to learn a new language and the local customs? Is there fun stuff to do? Is there a chance to further your career? Are you itching to get away from your hometown and start anew?
The people I've seen make this work are the ones who were looking to take their life to the next step in more ways than just romantically. Make sure you know that you're moving for you and not just for K.
Also, 2020? Are you really willing to do this long distance thing for 5 years?
posted by capricorn at 10:20 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
The people I've seen make this work are the ones who were looking to take their life to the next step in more ways than just romantically. Make sure you know that you're moving for you and not just for K.
Also, 2020? Are you really willing to do this long distance thing for 5 years?
posted by capricorn at 10:20 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
The dude makes me feel so incredibly secure in my love for him when I let myself define this relationship with what it is and not what it could be.
I'm not sure what this means. It sounds like "when I accept what he's willing to give me rather than what I really want". You might be secure in your love for him, but you really don't sound secure in his love for you. You'd visit more often but he won't let you? He's commitment phobic and he didn't admit you were dating for 6 months? Honey, I'm sorry but he really does not sound as into it as you are.
Time to break out the ol' therapy advice. I'm not saying you don't love him, but even people we love might not be the best person for us. If you were my friend I would gently suggest that you take some time to figure out why you're willing to settle for so much less than someone else can give you. I would not advise you to move thousands of miles to be with someone who isn't begging you to do so. Take care.
posted by billiebee at 10:20 AM on March 11, 2015 [11 favorites]
I'm not sure what this means. It sounds like "when I accept what he's willing to give me rather than what I really want". You might be secure in your love for him, but you really don't sound secure in his love for you. You'd visit more often but he won't let you? He's commitment phobic and he didn't admit you were dating for 6 months? Honey, I'm sorry but he really does not sound as into it as you are.
Time to break out the ol' therapy advice. I'm not saying you don't love him, but even people we love might not be the best person for us. If you were my friend I would gently suggest that you take some time to figure out why you're willing to settle for so much less than someone else can give you. I would not advise you to move thousands of miles to be with someone who isn't begging you to do so. Take care.
posted by billiebee at 10:20 AM on March 11, 2015 [11 favorites]
I'm not buying his reason for having to live in a particular place. He is an academic, but has not yet begun a multi year graduate program? Is he from that country? (And to push that line of argument further, does that country happen to be one that has a not-great track record with human rights or women's rights?)
Financially, I'm not buying it either. He wants you, or you want to, spend a bunch of money flying to visit him every few months, when you both KNOW that an academic's salary is going to be negative for a very long while, and peanuts thereafter?
And finally, emotionally I'm not buying it. You said it yourself: he took six months to admit you were dating. He's just not that into you. Sorry.
posted by Liesl at 10:21 AM on March 11, 2015 [7 favorites]
Financially, I'm not buying it either. He wants you, or you want to, spend a bunch of money flying to visit him every few months, when you both KNOW that an academic's salary is going to be negative for a very long while, and peanuts thereafter?
And finally, emotionally I'm not buying it. You said it yourself: he took six months to admit you were dating. He's just not that into you. Sorry.
posted by Liesl at 10:21 AM on March 11, 2015 [7 favorites]
I speak as someone who has a lot of sympathy, having just moved 3,000 miles to be with someone buuuuut:
And then I remind myself that it took six months of quasi-LDRing just for him to admit that we're still de facto dating.
Four times we planned to break up, and four times we lost our resolve, even him with all his commitment-phobic waffling.
This is not good. Granted, you're only 23 and have a lot of room to pick yourself up again if this goes south, but this is basically already very thin ice. Step back.
posted by psoas at 10:23 AM on March 11, 2015 [8 favorites]
And then I remind myself that it took six months of quasi-LDRing just for him to admit that we're still de facto dating.
Four times we planned to break up, and four times we lost our resolve, even him with all his commitment-phobic waffling.
This is not good. Granted, you're only 23 and have a lot of room to pick yourself up again if this goes south, but this is basically already very thin ice. Step back.
posted by psoas at 10:23 AM on March 11, 2015 [8 favorites]
I would happily visit him every three months if only he'd let me
This doesn't sound good. Why won't he "let" you visit? It's your money and your time.
I don't think he will be able to visit me in the next few years.
Busy people still find time for the things that are important to them.
it took six months of quasi-LDRing just for him to admit that we're still de facto dating.
"He's just not that into you."
I've cried over K so many times
The only man that I cried over multiple times was toxic. Ruined my life.
Am I flirting with disaster?
Yes.
K makes me crazy happy.
Does he? With all that crying? Are you sure it's not more like "K makes me crazyhappy"?
A good life lesson that I learned painfully: If you're pushing and pulling this much with someone, someone who is supposed to be your significant other - a support system, a friend, a confidant, someone who loves you? It's not love. It's not "secure." It's something else.
I feel an empty envy when I see my friends with their SOs.
This sounds like you have some work to do on yourself. Are you really happy with yourself? Are you truly happy with you? Do you have hobbies, a life that you like, a life with friends and activities and a job you care for and stuff going on that isn't just... drama with a guy that lives across the world? (Sorry to put it that way but that is kind of how it sounds, like a lot of spinning around, which is a lot of drama.) You might want to pick up some hobbies and start learning how to love yourself. Loving some guy that makes you cry a lot is... well, there's a lot more to life than that.
Take care of yourself.
posted by sockermom at 10:23 AM on March 11, 2015 [29 favorites]
This doesn't sound good. Why won't he "let" you visit? It's your money and your time.
I don't think he will be able to visit me in the next few years.
Busy people still find time for the things that are important to them.
it took six months of quasi-LDRing just for him to admit that we're still de facto dating.
"He's just not that into you."
I've cried over K so many times
The only man that I cried over multiple times was toxic. Ruined my life.
Am I flirting with disaster?
Yes.
K makes me crazy happy.
Does he? With all that crying? Are you sure it's not more like "K makes me crazy
A good life lesson that I learned painfully: If you're pushing and pulling this much with someone, someone who is supposed to be your significant other - a support system, a friend, a confidant, someone who loves you? It's not love. It's not "secure." It's something else.
I feel an empty envy when I see my friends with their SOs.
This sounds like you have some work to do on yourself. Are you really happy with yourself? Are you truly happy with you? Do you have hobbies, a life that you like, a life with friends and activities and a job you care for and stuff going on that isn't just... drama with a guy that lives across the world? (Sorry to put it that way but that is kind of how it sounds, like a lot of spinning around, which is a lot of drama.) You might want to pick up some hobbies and start learning how to love yourself. Loving some guy that makes you cry a lot is... well, there's a lot more to life than that.
Take care of yourself.
posted by sockermom at 10:23 AM on March 11, 2015 [29 favorites]
Well yeah sure everything is all beaming and anticipating and butterflies--this relationship is still in the honeymoon phase! Because honestly, you've barely spent any time together. 7 months in the same physical place "on and off" over 3 years? That's like, not a whole ton of time.
He doesn't want you to come visit very often, he is a "commitment-phobic" waffler who makes you cry, he probably costs you a gazillion dollars in plane tickets. What do you mean "Would he even bother with me and all the difficulty of a long distance relationship if he wasn't serious?" Heads up, girl, you are the only one dealing with "bother" in this relationship. He gets to do the bare minimum of nothing and then a couple times a year a much younger hottie flies around the damn world to bang him. I promise you, you are doing all of the crying, all of the worrying, and all of the questioning here. He is not doing any of those things.
How you make it stick is actually reasonably easy, because he lives halfway across the dang world. It's not like you're gonna see him at the Starbucks. Block him, girl! Make it so even if he tries to get in touch with you he can't. Disable your skype and delete him from your phone.
(also I hate to be like this, but take it from someone who's been there: overwhelming odds are you are NOT the only lady he's sexy-chatting, at the very least. ESPECIALLY if he had to be badgered into calling it "a relationship." ESPECIALLY if it's been "on and off.")
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:23 AM on March 11, 2015 [30 favorites]
He doesn't want you to come visit very often, he is a "commitment-phobic" waffler who makes you cry, he probably costs you a gazillion dollars in plane tickets. What do you mean "Would he even bother with me and all the difficulty of a long distance relationship if he wasn't serious?" Heads up, girl, you are the only one dealing with "bother" in this relationship. He gets to do the bare minimum of nothing and then a couple times a year a much younger hottie flies around the damn world to bang him. I promise you, you are doing all of the crying, all of the worrying, and all of the questioning here. He is not doing any of those things.
How you make it stick is actually reasonably easy, because he lives halfway across the dang world. It's not like you're gonna see him at the Starbucks. Block him, girl! Make it so even if he tries to get in touch with you he can't. Disable your skype and delete him from your phone.
(also I hate to be like this, but take it from someone who's been there: overwhelming odds are you are NOT the only lady he's sexy-chatting, at the very least. ESPECIALLY if he had to be badgered into calling it "a relationship." ESPECIALLY if it's been "on and off.")
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:23 AM on March 11, 2015 [30 favorites]
I last saw him for a week in December and then June before that, but nine months might just be too long. I earn enough that I would happily visit him every three months if only he'd let me, even if for a weekend. (I know, I'm ridiculous to be willing to spend an hour in an airplane for every hour I would spend with him. It's probably good that he doesn't want me to do this.)
This part jumped out at me like a streaker at a funeral. What do you mean "if only he'd let me" and "he doesn't want me to do this"? If I were living miles away and said I was only coming to visit for a few hours, my SO's response would be along the lines of "Great! How soon do you get here?"
There are times when long distance works. This doesn't seem like one of those situations. It sounds like this guy isn't serious about you and that he's happy enough to not have to deal with you face-to-face. And waiting another five years? Yeah, no. I encourage you to move on and meet someone who appreciates you and wants to be with you.
posted by futureisunwritten at 10:24 AM on March 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
This part jumped out at me like a streaker at a funeral. What do you mean "if only he'd let me" and "he doesn't want me to do this"? If I were living miles away and said I was only coming to visit for a few hours, my SO's response would be along the lines of "Great! How soon do you get here?"
There are times when long distance works. This doesn't seem like one of those situations. It sounds like this guy isn't serious about you and that he's happy enough to not have to deal with you face-to-face. And waiting another five years? Yeah, no. I encourage you to move on and meet someone who appreciates you and wants to be with you.
posted by futureisunwritten at 10:24 AM on March 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
Very simple terms: you are an addict. You move on the way an addict does: cut ties and embrace that you have to be sick for a while until your body and brain have a chance to heal.
That excitement over an IM? You're basically playing a video game with an intermittent positive reward system. You're scoring the stuff that makes you feel good for a little while.
This isn't dating, it's really not. It might have been for a short period (but not a very good short period if you couldn't stay together then), but now it's fantasy with occasional real-like touchpoints.
End contact and focus on your career for now. Maybe consider therapy, because you have a rough landing ahead of you, as you come to terms with whatever you're medicating, and with the reality of the situation.
People who make you crazy are not good for you. You may be mistaking some other feelings for love, but just also remember that feeling love doesn't actually mean anything. People are murdered every day by people they love, it doesn't guarantee you that the love is good or right or actionable.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:31 AM on March 11, 2015 [9 favorites]
That excitement over an IM? You're basically playing a video game with an intermittent positive reward system. You're scoring the stuff that makes you feel good for a little while.
This isn't dating, it's really not. It might have been for a short period (but not a very good short period if you couldn't stay together then), but now it's fantasy with occasional real-like touchpoints.
End contact and focus on your career for now. Maybe consider therapy, because you have a rough landing ahead of you, as you come to terms with whatever you're medicating, and with the reality of the situation.
People who make you crazy are not good for you. You may be mistaking some other feelings for love, but just also remember that feeling love doesn't actually mean anything. People are murdered every day by people they love, it doesn't guarantee you that the love is good or right or actionable.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:31 AM on March 11, 2015 [9 favorites]
I don't think he will be able to visit me in the next few years.
few years???!?!?!?! no no no. end it. for this reason. No one is that busy. NO ONE.
I was in an LDR, he was 5h away by train and we saw each other every 2-3 weeks. Every nine months? NO.
I know a couple that did that same 5h commute... every fricking weekend... for two years... until his school was finished then they got married and he moved to her town.
his commitment-phobic waffling
END IT
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:34 AM on March 11, 2015 [13 favorites]
few years???!?!?!?! no no no. end it. for this reason. No one is that busy. NO ONE.
I was in an LDR, he was 5h away by train and we saw each other every 2-3 weeks. Every nine months? NO.
I know a couple that did that same 5h commute... every fricking weekend... for two years... until his school was finished then they got married and he moved to her town.
his commitment-phobic waffling
END IT
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:34 AM on March 11, 2015 [13 favorites]
For contrast, when my gf and I started to date, I was halfway across the country, but she wouldn't even discuss dating unless we both were on board with a relatively short timeline to living in the same place. Once we decided on that, I saw her about once a *month* until I moved in - she flew out twice, and I flew out twice. We made a relatively cautious plan with an easy escape if it didn't work (helped by the fact that I owned my condo and she didn't need my rent) but we were both dead-set on trying it to find out as fast as possible if this was a real thing, because long distance doesn't tell you that.
If this guy is actively working against frequent visits and concrete plans to be together, I'm sorry, but it doesn't sound like this is a relationship with potential. It's time to take a no-contact break and ground yourself in your local, physical life again.
posted by restless_nomad at 10:35 AM on March 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
If this guy is actively working against frequent visits and concrete plans to be together, I'm sorry, but it doesn't sound like this is a relationship with potential. It's time to take a no-contact break and ground yourself in your local, physical life again.
posted by restless_nomad at 10:35 AM on March 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
I earn enough that I would happily visit him every three months if only he'd let me, even if for a weekend.
I don't think he will be able to visit me in the next few years.
And then I remind myself that it took six months of quasi-LDRing just for him to admit that we're still de facto dating.
The dude makes me feel so incredibly secure in my love for him when I let myself define this relationship with what it is and not what it could be.
even him with all his commitment-phobic waffling.
ABORT ABORT MAYDAY MAYDAY
posted by chainsofreedom at 10:38 AM on March 11, 2015 [31 favorites]
I don't think he will be able to visit me in the next few years.
And then I remind myself that it took six months of quasi-LDRing just for him to admit that we're still de facto dating.
The dude makes me feel so incredibly secure in my love for him when I let myself define this relationship with what it is and not what it could be.
even him with all his commitment-phobic waffling.
ABORT ABORT MAYDAY MAYDAY
posted by chainsofreedom at 10:38 AM on March 11, 2015 [31 favorites]
So I was in an LDR for several years, overlapping with undergrad and grad school, in which my partner and I were super busy and super poor. More than once we spent more time traveling than actually seeing each other, or spent the weekend being in the same room while we were both working on a paper or studying for an exam. Those things are part of being in a long distance relationship. Do they suck? Sure. But if you want to be in a relationship with someone, and you are far away, they are the things you choose to be with them.
Someone who tells their partner that the other person can't visit, that will not have a single weekend off over the course of YEARS to visit, is someone that is, frankly, not in a relationship. They're barely a pen pal.
posted by tchemgrrl at 10:48 AM on March 11, 2015 [13 favorites]
Someone who tells their partner that the other person can't visit, that will not have a single weekend off over the course of YEARS to visit, is someone that is, frankly, not in a relationship. They're barely a pen pal.
posted by tchemgrrl at 10:48 AM on March 11, 2015 [13 favorites]
The President of the United States has taken over 160 vacation days in his presidency, which is less than George W, Clinton, and Reagan. Do not believe for one second your man is so busy he can't come see you for one measly weekend anytime in the next few YEARS.
posted by cecic at 10:54 AM on March 11, 2015 [21 favorites]
posted by cecic at 10:54 AM on March 11, 2015 [21 favorites]
You're 23. You've been with him on-and-off for about 3 years. That means you were probably 20 when you started dating him. That means there were only 2 years between when you became an adult (I'm assuming here, age 18?) and when you started a romantic relationship with him. Given that information, I wonder: have you had any other adult romantic relationships?
I emphasize the word 'adult' there. Don't count any high school sweethearts--before you're a grown up, before you have responsibilities and legal freedom, dating is something totally different. Instead, have you had, as an adult, a relationship with another adult that lasted a significant amount of time?
If not: you deserve one. If you haven't had a long-term adult relationship yet, then that means you don't have first-hand experience what it's like. You haven't gotten to have the awesome experience of being in love, and seeing the person you love regularly, and meeting up with them a couple times a week, then spending more and more time together, then making joint plans, then fighting over furniture items, then figuring out how two lives can fit together as one. And, you know what? Those experiences are awesome. Yes, even the stage where you fight over furniture is great. It's this wonderful opportunity to learn how you and another person fit together. It's a wonderful opportunity to learn what it means to have you and another person fit together.
My point is, if this is the only long-term adult relationship you've had, you've been deprived something wonderful and awesome. And what you've been deprived is exactly the sort of experience that you deserve to have and that you could use to help gauge the value of your current relationship. If this is your only long-term adult relationship, you deserve to break up with him so you can go out and have the experience of a long-term adult relationship that doesn't involve 8000 miles of distance.
And, I have to say, given that you're in this situation, I do assume this is the first long-term adult relationship you've been in. Please don't be offended. I've been there too. I know what it is like to go through what you're going through. And it sucks. But what I know now, now that I'm out of that sucky situation, is this: I was being deprived the awesomeness of a real relationship, because I didn't know just how much more awesome it is.
Maybe this person really is a perfect fit for you, romantically. Maybe, if circumstances worked out, you could form a perfect life. But, I don't think you're currently in a position to make that decision. You don't have the life experiences you would need to be able to determine that he's right for you. I'm sorry, it will hurt, but here is what you deserve: you deserve the experience of a long-term relationship with someone who lives geographically near you. You deserve that experience so you can know what it is you want out of a relationship. Break up with this guy, block him on IM, and seek out the experiences of love and companionship that you deserve.
posted by meese at 10:57 AM on March 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
I emphasize the word 'adult' there. Don't count any high school sweethearts--before you're a grown up, before you have responsibilities and legal freedom, dating is something totally different. Instead, have you had, as an adult, a relationship with another adult that lasted a significant amount of time?
If not: you deserve one. If you haven't had a long-term adult relationship yet, then that means you don't have first-hand experience what it's like. You haven't gotten to have the awesome experience of being in love, and seeing the person you love regularly, and meeting up with them a couple times a week, then spending more and more time together, then making joint plans, then fighting over furniture items, then figuring out how two lives can fit together as one. And, you know what? Those experiences are awesome. Yes, even the stage where you fight over furniture is great. It's this wonderful opportunity to learn how you and another person fit together. It's a wonderful opportunity to learn what it means to have you and another person fit together.
My point is, if this is the only long-term adult relationship you've had, you've been deprived something wonderful and awesome. And what you've been deprived is exactly the sort of experience that you deserve to have and that you could use to help gauge the value of your current relationship. If this is your only long-term adult relationship, you deserve to break up with him so you can go out and have the experience of a long-term adult relationship that doesn't involve 8000 miles of distance.
And, I have to say, given that you're in this situation, I do assume this is the first long-term adult relationship you've been in. Please don't be offended. I've been there too. I know what it is like to go through what you're going through. And it sucks. But what I know now, now that I'm out of that sucky situation, is this: I was being deprived the awesomeness of a real relationship, because I didn't know just how much more awesome it is.
Maybe this person really is a perfect fit for you, romantically. Maybe, if circumstances worked out, you could form a perfect life. But, I don't think you're currently in a position to make that decision. You don't have the life experiences you would need to be able to determine that he's right for you. I'm sorry, it will hurt, but here is what you deserve: you deserve the experience of a long-term relationship with someone who lives geographically near you. You deserve that experience so you can know what it is you want out of a relationship. Break up with this guy, block him on IM, and seek out the experiences of love and companionship that you deserve.
posted by meese at 10:57 AM on March 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
Yo also this kind of super romantical, cross-global forbidden romance thing is like, basically the fool-proof template for our dumb monkey brains to start going "OMG THE ONE". It's all just hormone cocktails and psychological reinforcement and so forth.
BUT EVEN SO. Suppose it is not. Suppose this guy is truly a once-in-a-lifetime guy, and you're not ever going to quite have all the stars align with someone quite in this way again. Well...shit happens, you know? A lot of us have someone in our pasts who we really, really would have given anything for. For whom no sacrifice would even feel like a sacrifice, yadda yadda blerf. But those people are in our pasts anyway. Either because they didn't feel like we felt, or because life and careers got in the way, or because they were in a relationship or because they got cancer and died. And yeah, it hurts! And some of us throw ourselves against the brick wall of "NO" for years, or even forever. Some of us go through the motions but keep a little pocket of hope in our hearts. But most of us move on.
You are standing at the brick wall of NO. And right now you're still throwing grappling hooks into the air, looking for doorways, trying to dig a tunnel....how long do you want to do that for?
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:11 AM on March 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
BUT EVEN SO. Suppose it is not. Suppose this guy is truly a once-in-a-lifetime guy, and you're not ever going to quite have all the stars align with someone quite in this way again. Well...shit happens, you know? A lot of us have someone in our pasts who we really, really would have given anything for. For whom no sacrifice would even feel like a sacrifice, yadda yadda blerf. But those people are in our pasts anyway. Either because they didn't feel like we felt, or because life and careers got in the way, or because they were in a relationship or because they got cancer and died. And yeah, it hurts! And some of us throw ourselves against the brick wall of "NO" for years, or even forever. Some of us go through the motions but keep a little pocket of hope in our hearts. But most of us move on.
You are standing at the brick wall of NO. And right now you're still throwing grappling hooks into the air, looking for doorways, trying to dig a tunnel....how long do you want to do that for?
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:11 AM on March 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
And even tougher is that because of both our career ambitions, the earliest that would be is 2020.
Personally, and I'm speaking as someone who moved from England to Canada for my man, if I knew I had to wait 5 years before the Big Move would even become a reality, I wouldn't waste my time and energy on a long distance relationship that's just making you miserable.
I think you should break up now and revisit the situation in 2020 and see then if you're both in the same place and ready to commit.
Five years is a REALLY long time - especially when you're 23, I strongly urge you not to waste the best years of your life pining over a 29 year old who is 8,000 miles away and already has commitment issues and a history of being flaky with you.
posted by JenThePro at 11:27 AM on March 11, 2015 [9 favorites]
Personally, and I'm speaking as someone who moved from England to Canada for my man, if I knew I had to wait 5 years before the Big Move would even become a reality, I wouldn't waste my time and energy on a long distance relationship that's just making you miserable.
I think you should break up now and revisit the situation in 2020 and see then if you're both in the same place and ready to commit.
Five years is a REALLY long time - especially when you're 23, I strongly urge you not to waste the best years of your life pining over a 29 year old who is 8,000 miles away and already has commitment issues and a history of being flaky with you.
posted by JenThePro at 11:27 AM on March 11, 2015 [9 favorites]
I was exactly like you and your LDR guy minus the academic part. It was in the days before cheap international calls and email (we wrote love letters to each other by fax, if you can imagine that). It was fantastic to wake up to a long fax or voicemail, but it really frazzled the hell out of me waiting for the time differences to reset so we could talk, and getting worried if he didn't call when he said he would, especially if I knew he was going to a show or a bar where he might (the horror!) talk to other women.
Sure, we saw each other every three months or so, and those times were fantastic in person. In between, though, there was a lot of fretting on my part about the women he worked with and hung out with, who were there all the time, and what it took me a long time to realize was that I was a distraction from his daily life but not really a part of it. And that he'd told his friends and other women that I was an "old friend" from another country who he still kept in touch with.
We were "together" for mere minutes a day, via phone and fax, and the rest of it was in my head. It was lovely to have international care packages full of trinkets, but it wasn't really a relationship. And I wasted far too much of my twenties thinking it was. Please think about this, hard.
posted by vickyverky at 11:51 AM on March 11, 2015 [7 favorites]
Sure, we saw each other every three months or so, and those times were fantastic in person. In between, though, there was a lot of fretting on my part about the women he worked with and hung out with, who were there all the time, and what it took me a long time to realize was that I was a distraction from his daily life but not really a part of it. And that he'd told his friends and other women that I was an "old friend" from another country who he still kept in touch with.
We were "together" for mere minutes a day, via phone and fax, and the rest of it was in my head. It was lovely to have international care packages full of trinkets, but it wasn't really a relationship. And I wasted far too much of my twenties thinking it was. Please think about this, hard.
posted by vickyverky at 11:51 AM on March 11, 2015 [7 favorites]
Hm. I'm commenting from the position of someone who is in a bit of a similar position to you and K. I was in a long-distance relationship for a few years, getting kind of frustrated because for immigration/career reasons I was pretty sure it was going to stay long distance for at least another five years--I'm in grad school, was accepted to a good, solid US program, and my partner COULD move pretty easily but is Canadian. We're queer, so my partner immigrating to me was not an option for a long time. I'm a person who does very well with long-distance friendships and relationships on the Internet, and it still sucked. A lot. In retrospect, I was beginning to get kind of "okay, where is this going, what are we doing here, what are our options?" towards the fall of 2012.
Fortunately, DOMA came down not long after that, and we started talking about where this thing was going and how we wanted to manage things. We got legally married last March and are currently in the middle of the immigration process. (And we did both of these things knowing full well that things might go to hell and that the transition would be rough and all of that, too.)
Now. The reason I'm telling you this is that I want to talk about some things that might be a bit different between my situation and yours, and some of the things that are making this situation work for us. When we decided "yeah, we're going to see if we can do this," we had a lot of long talks about logistics. We split the travel fees by income, so that no one was "paying for" everything. I had (and have) a harder time getting time off, so my partner would come down sometimes even when I was working, and I'd go to campus and get stuff done and then come home and we would spend lots of time together when my partner was visiting. Most of our visits are a week or two, and we've only managed... let's see, three in the past calendar year that I can think of, so not as many as we'd like. (This Christmas, I worked through the winter break. My partner visited anyway and hung out in the lab with me while I was running mice. I had no issues with this--would K feel similarly?) I know other academics in long-distance relationships whose partners can only afford to travel infrequently, and it's pretty common for them to drop as much as they can or bring partners to campus when they're in town. Saying "you can't visit because I can't take time off" raises some flags for me, because I LOVE to have people visit even if I can't manage to take time off, as long as they're okay with that. And I've made time to visit my partner or take them home to visit my family twice in the past year, too.
Neither us has illusions: this long distance thing blows, and it's frustrating, and we talk about that to each other frequently. There's nearly always a skype or a viber window open, and we talk about the little stupid stuff pretty much constantly. We have good communication, distance or no, and we handle discussion of feelings and people feeling like they want things that aren't working out well. We're good at verbalizing shit. I can rely on my partner to tell me when stuff is bothering them, or when they're feeling insecure and worried about the move. I trust them to put as much effort into making sure I am happy as I put into making sure that they are happy. And all of that is, incidentally, even with the bit where neither us believes in soulmates, perfection, or love above all odds. This is worth it for us, but it is not perfect.
I'm expecting my partner to be dealing with massive climate shock in a few months when they move down. I'm expecting some level of culture shock, too, even going from just Canada to Texas and not having a real language barrier. I'm expecting my partner to be stressed out by their sudden lack of a local support network and to need a hand making new friends independent of me, and I'm also expecting to foster more and closer connections between my partner and my local friends. Moving between countries is fucking difficult, okay? And like I said, that's with no language barrier. I'm basically expecting the first two months to be an adjustment period, for my partner to be stressed out and maybe need some extra support from me, and very definitely for things to not be perfect. But I'm confident we'll get through that period, because I trust us both to put the effort in to make it happen.
Is K putting that effort into your relationship with him? Is he making the effort to communicate with you on that level? Do you feel like you're doing all the emotional work in this relationship, like it's your job to make both Big Conversations and little conversations happen? Who's paying for these plane tickets to visit--just you? Where does he see your relationship in five or ten years? In his best case, super optimal situation, what would happen next?
These are some things it might be worth thinking over, and maybe some conversations worth having with him. Right now, it sounds like you are doing a lot more planning for the long term than he is, and that's not a good place to be for a situation like this.
posted by sciatrix at 12:50 PM on March 11, 2015 [8 favorites]
Fortunately, DOMA came down not long after that, and we started talking about where this thing was going and how we wanted to manage things. We got legally married last March and are currently in the middle of the immigration process. (And we did both of these things knowing full well that things might go to hell and that the transition would be rough and all of that, too.)
Now. The reason I'm telling you this is that I want to talk about some things that might be a bit different between my situation and yours, and some of the things that are making this situation work for us. When we decided "yeah, we're going to see if we can do this," we had a lot of long talks about logistics. We split the travel fees by income, so that no one was "paying for" everything. I had (and have) a harder time getting time off, so my partner would come down sometimes even when I was working, and I'd go to campus and get stuff done and then come home and we would spend lots of time together when my partner was visiting. Most of our visits are a week or two, and we've only managed... let's see, three in the past calendar year that I can think of, so not as many as we'd like. (This Christmas, I worked through the winter break. My partner visited anyway and hung out in the lab with me while I was running mice. I had no issues with this--would K feel similarly?) I know other academics in long-distance relationships whose partners can only afford to travel infrequently, and it's pretty common for them to drop as much as they can or bring partners to campus when they're in town. Saying "you can't visit because I can't take time off" raises some flags for me, because I LOVE to have people visit even if I can't manage to take time off, as long as they're okay with that. And I've made time to visit my partner or take them home to visit my family twice in the past year, too.
Neither us has illusions: this long distance thing blows, and it's frustrating, and we talk about that to each other frequently. There's nearly always a skype or a viber window open, and we talk about the little stupid stuff pretty much constantly. We have good communication, distance or no, and we handle discussion of feelings and people feeling like they want things that aren't working out well. We're good at verbalizing shit. I can rely on my partner to tell me when stuff is bothering them, or when they're feeling insecure and worried about the move. I trust them to put as much effort into making sure I am happy as I put into making sure that they are happy. And all of that is, incidentally, even with the bit where neither us believes in soulmates, perfection, or love above all odds. This is worth it for us, but it is not perfect.
I'm expecting my partner to be dealing with massive climate shock in a few months when they move down. I'm expecting some level of culture shock, too, even going from just Canada to Texas and not having a real language barrier. I'm expecting my partner to be stressed out by their sudden lack of a local support network and to need a hand making new friends independent of me, and I'm also expecting to foster more and closer connections between my partner and my local friends. Moving between countries is fucking difficult, okay? And like I said, that's with no language barrier. I'm basically expecting the first two months to be an adjustment period, for my partner to be stressed out and maybe need some extra support from me, and very definitely for things to not be perfect. But I'm confident we'll get through that period, because I trust us both to put the effort in to make it happen.
Is K putting that effort into your relationship with him? Is he making the effort to communicate with you on that level? Do you feel like you're doing all the emotional work in this relationship, like it's your job to make both Big Conversations and little conversations happen? Who's paying for these plane tickets to visit--just you? Where does he see your relationship in five or ten years? In his best case, super optimal situation, what would happen next?
These are some things it might be worth thinking over, and maybe some conversations worth having with him. Right now, it sounds like you are doing a lot more planning for the long term than he is, and that's not a good place to be for a situation like this.
posted by sciatrix at 12:50 PM on March 11, 2015 [8 favorites]
And even tougher is that because of both our career ambitions, the earliest that would be is 2020.
I missed this part the first time around. 5 years is a LONG. TIME. It is SUCH a long time.
So, you're 23 now? And you'll be 28 in 2020. When I was 23, I split from my long-distance boyfriend of almost 6 years, and I didn't start dating again until I was 27, so we're looking at basically the same time frame here.
In those 4 years I:
- Started studying Chinese again after 2 years of promising myself I would and then not. Made some awesome friends from study group, friends that were actually local to me.
- Joined a Scrabble club.
- Paid off all my student loan debts.
- Decided that teaching 7 classes a semester was not worth it, and now that my free time wasn't filled with endless waiting by the phone/IM, I wasn't scared to not be working constantly.
- Had my sister move in with me for a summer and spent some real, quality time with her.
- Got my health back on track and started some desperately-needed medication.
- Took a trip to Guatemala and Honduras.
- Decided that, heck, if I could go to Guatemala and Honduras, I sure as hell could handle Europe, so I moved to Spain for a year.
- Spent almost all my savings on travel.
- Finally got a full-time job in my field.
And THEN finally thought, hey, I'd kinda like to date again. 2 years later, I am engaged to a wonderful man. Think of what can happen in 5 years!
posted by chainsofreedom at 2:38 PM on March 11, 2015 [9 favorites]
I missed this part the first time around. 5 years is a LONG. TIME. It is SUCH a long time.
So, you're 23 now? And you'll be 28 in 2020. When I was 23, I split from my long-distance boyfriend of almost 6 years, and I didn't start dating again until I was 27, so we're looking at basically the same time frame here.
In those 4 years I:
- Started studying Chinese again after 2 years of promising myself I would and then not. Made some awesome friends from study group, friends that were actually local to me.
- Joined a Scrabble club.
- Paid off all my student loan debts.
- Decided that teaching 7 classes a semester was not worth it, and now that my free time wasn't filled with endless waiting by the phone/IM, I wasn't scared to not be working constantly.
- Had my sister move in with me for a summer and spent some real, quality time with her.
- Got my health back on track and started some desperately-needed medication.
- Took a trip to Guatemala and Honduras.
- Decided that, heck, if I could go to Guatemala and Honduras, I sure as hell could handle Europe, so I moved to Spain for a year.
- Spent almost all my savings on travel.
- Finally got a full-time job in my field.
And THEN finally thought, hey, I'd kinda like to date again. 2 years later, I am engaged to a wonderful man. Think of what can happen in 5 years!
posted by chainsofreedom at 2:38 PM on March 11, 2015 [9 favorites]
I've done a LDR with a similar distance and a guy who acted strangely similarly to K.
It turns out that he was still dating the girl he told me he'd broken up with months before when we first met. I wasted almost a year of my life in a "relationship" with him.
Now, I'm in a LDR with someone who actually loves me and wants to be in a real relationship with me. It's a world of difference.
Please don't accept a relationship in which you're the only one who cares or is trying. It's soul-killing.
posted by guster4lovers at 4:54 PM on March 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
It turns out that he was still dating the girl he told me he'd broken up with months before when we first met. I wasted almost a year of my life in a "relationship" with him.
Now, I'm in a LDR with someone who actually loves me and wants to be in a real relationship with me. It's a world of difference.
Please don't accept a relationship in which you're the only one who cares or is trying. It's soul-killing.
posted by guster4lovers at 4:54 PM on March 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
And even tougher is that because of both our career ambitions, the earliest that would be is 2020.
You're 23 and you're thinking of waiting until you're 28 to be with the man you love?
Take a moment to think of how much you will miss out on. Part gently, stay friends--but just friends, and live your life.
Please don't accept a relationship in which you're the only one who cares or is trying. It's soul-killing.
THIS. This is the only thing you need to hear.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:33 PM on March 11, 2015
You're 23 and you're thinking of waiting until you're 28 to be with the man you love?
Take a moment to think of how much you will miss out on. Part gently, stay friends--but just friends, and live your life.
Please don't accept a relationship in which you're the only one who cares or is trying. It's soul-killing.
THIS. This is the only thing you need to hear.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:33 PM on March 11, 2015
Wait, I missed this:
I earn enough that I would happily visit him every three months if only he'd let me, even if for a weekend.
He doesn't want you around? Forget parting gently. "Sorry, K. This isn't going to work out. It's been really nice knowing you. Goodbye," and go find someone who actually wants to see you.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:35 PM on March 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
I earn enough that I would happily visit him every three months if only he'd let me, even if for a weekend.
He doesn't want you around? Forget parting gently. "Sorry, K. This isn't going to work out. It's been really nice knowing you. Goodbye," and go find someone who actually wants to see you.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:35 PM on March 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
have you ever considered the possibility that he has a girlfriend or wife, and that's why he doesn't want you to visit?
regardless, this guy is a huge waste of your time. Cut your losses now and enjoy the rest of your 20s!
posted by emd3737 at 11:40 PM on March 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
regardless, this guy is a huge waste of your time. Cut your losses now and enjoy the rest of your 20s!
posted by emd3737 at 11:40 PM on March 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
How can you value your time so little as to wait 5 years for a flake of a man?
Also missing from your account is how did you meet this guy? Him being so unavailable for face time is a HUGE RED FLAG that he does not consider your thing a real relationship. I think you may be an unknowing sidepiece.
posted by WeekendJen at 12:44 PM on March 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Also missing from your account is how did you meet this guy? Him being so unavailable for face time is a HUGE RED FLAG that he does not consider your thing a real relationship. I think you may be an unknowing sidepiece.
posted by WeekendJen at 12:44 PM on March 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Imagine you were putting in 80-hour work weeks. Your significant other lives far away. Imagine just how amazing it would feel if, even if for just a couple of days, you got to come home after a 12-14hr day at the office, and see SO's smile, hear SO's voice, hug & kiss SO, hold SO's hand while you have a drink and unwind from your stressful day. You could ask about SO's day while you were at work, and just hearing about it instead of thinking about your work would do wonders for your mood.
Are you imagining that wonderful feeling? You deserve someone who would feel the same way about you.
posted by Neekee at 9:57 AM on March 13, 2015
Are you imagining that wonderful feeling? You deserve someone who would feel the same way about you.
posted by Neekee at 9:57 AM on March 13, 2015
People have said it already, but I'm going to weigh in even though I'm a bit late to it because I was you, once.
Let me tell you, that I know long distance intimately, and I've been subject to it more than the average person. Including with my latest boyfriend-- although we lived together for a couple of months prior to me leaving.
But believe me when I say, I've been in every kind of long distance relationship possible. The kind where you meet someone and they leave, the kind where you never meet, the kind you're friends first then meet, the kind you meet in person first and then you leave. I mean-- I never planned it that way; who signs up for this? Who wants to fall in love and then leave? Nobody in their right mind actually chooses this life. It's long and hard and draining. But nevertheless, it's happened to me a lot.
And the worst part is other people. Because it's easy to read into it; into me. It's easy to say that it's immature thinking, that it's not real love, or a real relationship; escapism. That there's something wrong with me. That I'm trying to play it 'safe' or I don't want a real relationship so I keep choosing these. It's easy to judge my relationships, to judge me, to cast judgment on my life choices, or my maturity. It's easy to call me sheltered or paint me with some kind of complex. And it's even easier to look down on my relationships, and tell me they meant nothing because they weren't always in person.
For me, it's been difficult to even admit that I'm in a long distance relationship, because people get that look, and you're suddenly judged. Shot down. It's almost infantalizing to a degree. It's often thrown back at me condescendingly when I speak about my life experience or relationship experience. It's dismissed, seldom respected. And I'll be the first to tell you, that having been in both kind of relationships (personable and long distance), it's very unfair to be treated that way, to be dismissed, and have people think they know 'better' than you, that they know the entire gamut of human emotion and this cannot be love because: [insert whatever excuse here].
Yeah, these things are valid, and should be listened to, but they're often just as biased as any other perspective.
So I'm not going to dismiss you and tell you that this isn't love, that it isn't valid, that you don't feel strongly, and that you're not in love. Or that there must be something the matter with you or him, because instead of getting into a real relationship, you pursued someone at a distance. I know what you feel is deep, and very real, and intense.
But I will say that I've been where you stand more than once. And it took me years of experience and broken hearts and destroyed castles in the sky to realize what was real and what was not, and what was good and what was bad. And what was healthy and what wasn't, and what love is. And I know when it's good, and I know when it's bad. And please trust me, when I say, what you've described?
You've described me, in my worst LD relationship, and worst state of mind.
It bears repeating, but essentially: Love is supposed to make you feel more good than bad. It's supposed to lift you up more than bring you down. If it makes you feel bad, it's not healthy love. Maybe it was once. And maybe it's still valid on some level. But it's not love like it should be. This goes for any relationship.
The guy before my current boyfriend, I fell in love with at a distance. Like you, there were intense highs and absymal lows. It was a vortex of drama, in moments of calm that almost felt perfect. He was the last thing I thought of before falling asleep, and the first thing I thought of when I woke up. We connected on a very intense emotional level. I trusted him implicitly. It was both wonderful and terrible.
I also felt secure in my love for him, but that was it. I really did love him. I did want to see if it lead somewhere. I did want to try. But I didn't feel secure in his love for me. Quite the opposite, actually. I felt insecure all the time. I felt like none of me was enough, like I wasn't his type, or what he truly wanted-- and when I voiced my misgivings I was often painted with a low self esteem brush. When I tried to step away, he'd pull me closer and the reassurances would come out. When we were 'good', he was distant, aloof. I cried even when I'd read loving things from him. I was often scared or jealous. I too felt a kind of 'gap' when I viewed my friends relationships. Occasionally I fantasized about meeting someone else. The only way I can describe it, is that it felt like I was throwing myself at a wall, repeatedly.
And of course-- eventually he found someone he could muster real enthusiasm and excitement for, make time for-- someone it didn't take him 'six months of quasi LDRing to admit he was in a relationship' with, someone he wanted to fight for as badly as I wanted to fight for us, and suddenly I realized I had been incredibly stupid. And that hurt. More than anything else, really.
Yes, you're flirting with disaster. Yes, you need out. And yes, as others have said, it's like a drug. The intermittent rewards make this so strong. You need to get distance and perspective. And I know that your stomach probably turns at the mere idea of someone else, right now-- that in your minds eye you can only see him. That even if you meet someone else, they won't be as dazzling or as perfect as him.
This is untruths. Don't listen to this part of your brain. You will meet someone else, and it will be better. He isn't the end all and be all. And he isn't even very kind, because he revels in your attention without giving you much in return. That's not something anyone even resembling 'the one' would ever do. (Not that I believe in the one).
I know it's going to be the most painful thing you can do to end it, but please learn from my mistakes and move on. It will hurt but I promise you, you'll be fine. With time. You're younger than me when it happened to me, and I thought it was over for me and I'd never love again and he was the love of my life, and I loved him so much and what have you, and I was completely wrong. Just take it one day at a time, and eventually you'll stop thinking about him. But it's important you cut contact. People aren't really exaggerating when they say it's almost like a drug: love does a similar thing to the reward centers of your brain.
But no matter what relationship type I had (LD or regular) they all had one thing in common: I always kinda knew deep deep down whether it was going to work, or whether I was full of doubts. I sometimes denied it to myself painting it over with visions of sugar plums, but deep down, I knew there wasn't a 'real' future. I feel like the mere fact you're asking this, means you know, too.
I have another boyfriend now, and I don't get that niggly feeling in the pit of my gut any more. I no longer have the urge to write AskMe's about my love life, I'll tell you that much!
See, the difference between the guy I liked and my now boyfriend? I've always felt secure. I've never for one moment doubted his love. We discussed our relationship prior to me leaving his country. We had a long, intense, 'define the relationship' talk. We decided whether we should leave it as a summer vacation fling, or pursue it. We discussed what we meant to each other. It wasn't scary or hard. We didn't shy away from it. We wanted the same thing: each other. We felt it was the beginning of love. We embraced it. And we made plans to be together again. We felt we were strong enough to endure distance, and we are.
See, the long distance is a red herring. It's the relationship that just isn't right. It won't be, no matter where you are.
My boyfriend treats me like he's pleased to see me-- like I'm worth fighting for. He's not distant, or absent, or hard to get a hold of. He works 40 hour weeks, and the time zones make things wonky, but we find time. We discuss when we're going to see each other next-- we're going to book the tickets soon, we discuss what our next steps are, what we want. We discuss the big things like who is going to move to where and immigration. We have an end date. We know we want to be together. As people have said, people make time.
He tells me every day how awesome I am, how lovely, how beautiful and sexy. I've never felt this hot before. It's the same as the day I left him, even though I've actually gained about 10 lbs since I was there. If anything, I feel like he loves me more and more each day.
I don't think I've cried over him once. Well, tears of happiness like a sappy sap.
Unlike my previous relationships, I don't see a question mark on our future because no matter what, we both want a future together. This goes for any relationship, but doubly so for a LDR. And when I see my paired up friends? I no longer get a gnawing feeling in my gut, despite the distance. I think, 'awesome! In love people! I have that too!'
If someone wants to be with you, and you want to be with them, you'll find a way no matter what. They won't throw barriers up. They won't make excuses. Believe me when I say, it's the very least you deserve. You deserve someone who thinks you're awesome and who you think is awesome. And you absolutely shouldn't settle on this lukewarm guy. Life is too short.
Sorry for the length. Good luck. You'll be okay.
posted by Dimes at 10:11 AM on March 14, 2015 [7 favorites]
Let me tell you, that I know long distance intimately, and I've been subject to it more than the average person. Including with my latest boyfriend-- although we lived together for a couple of months prior to me leaving.
But believe me when I say, I've been in every kind of long distance relationship possible. The kind where you meet someone and they leave, the kind where you never meet, the kind you're friends first then meet, the kind you meet in person first and then you leave. I mean-- I never planned it that way; who signs up for this? Who wants to fall in love and then leave? Nobody in their right mind actually chooses this life. It's long and hard and draining. But nevertheless, it's happened to me a lot.
And the worst part is other people. Because it's easy to read into it; into me. It's easy to say that it's immature thinking, that it's not real love, or a real relationship; escapism. That there's something wrong with me. That I'm trying to play it 'safe' or I don't want a real relationship so I keep choosing these. It's easy to judge my relationships, to judge me, to cast judgment on my life choices, or my maturity. It's easy to call me sheltered or paint me with some kind of complex. And it's even easier to look down on my relationships, and tell me they meant nothing because they weren't always in person.
For me, it's been difficult to even admit that I'm in a long distance relationship, because people get that look, and you're suddenly judged. Shot down. It's almost infantalizing to a degree. It's often thrown back at me condescendingly when I speak about my life experience or relationship experience. It's dismissed, seldom respected. And I'll be the first to tell you, that having been in both kind of relationships (personable and long distance), it's very unfair to be treated that way, to be dismissed, and have people think they know 'better' than you, that they know the entire gamut of human emotion and this cannot be love because: [insert whatever excuse here].
Yeah, these things are valid, and should be listened to, but they're often just as biased as any other perspective.
So I'm not going to dismiss you and tell you that this isn't love, that it isn't valid, that you don't feel strongly, and that you're not in love. Or that there must be something the matter with you or him, because instead of getting into a real relationship, you pursued someone at a distance. I know what you feel is deep, and very real, and intense.
But I will say that I've been where you stand more than once. And it took me years of experience and broken hearts and destroyed castles in the sky to realize what was real and what was not, and what was good and what was bad. And what was healthy and what wasn't, and what love is. And I know when it's good, and I know when it's bad. And please trust me, when I say, what you've described?
You've described me, in my worst LD relationship, and worst state of mind.
It bears repeating, but essentially: Love is supposed to make you feel more good than bad. It's supposed to lift you up more than bring you down. If it makes you feel bad, it's not healthy love. Maybe it was once. And maybe it's still valid on some level. But it's not love like it should be. This goes for any relationship.
The guy before my current boyfriend, I fell in love with at a distance. Like you, there were intense highs and absymal lows. It was a vortex of drama, in moments of calm that almost felt perfect. He was the last thing I thought of before falling asleep, and the first thing I thought of when I woke up. We connected on a very intense emotional level. I trusted him implicitly. It was both wonderful and terrible.
I also felt secure in my love for him, but that was it. I really did love him. I did want to see if it lead somewhere. I did want to try. But I didn't feel secure in his love for me. Quite the opposite, actually. I felt insecure all the time. I felt like none of me was enough, like I wasn't his type, or what he truly wanted-- and when I voiced my misgivings I was often painted with a low self esteem brush. When I tried to step away, he'd pull me closer and the reassurances would come out. When we were 'good', he was distant, aloof. I cried even when I'd read loving things from him. I was often scared or jealous. I too felt a kind of 'gap' when I viewed my friends relationships. Occasionally I fantasized about meeting someone else. The only way I can describe it, is that it felt like I was throwing myself at a wall, repeatedly.
And of course-- eventually he found someone he could muster real enthusiasm and excitement for, make time for-- someone it didn't take him 'six months of quasi LDRing to admit he was in a relationship' with, someone he wanted to fight for as badly as I wanted to fight for us, and suddenly I realized I had been incredibly stupid. And that hurt. More than anything else, really.
Yes, you're flirting with disaster. Yes, you need out. And yes, as others have said, it's like a drug. The intermittent rewards make this so strong. You need to get distance and perspective. And I know that your stomach probably turns at the mere idea of someone else, right now-- that in your minds eye you can only see him. That even if you meet someone else, they won't be as dazzling or as perfect as him.
This is untruths. Don't listen to this part of your brain. You will meet someone else, and it will be better. He isn't the end all and be all. And he isn't even very kind, because he revels in your attention without giving you much in return. That's not something anyone even resembling 'the one' would ever do. (Not that I believe in the one).
I know it's going to be the most painful thing you can do to end it, but please learn from my mistakes and move on. It will hurt but I promise you, you'll be fine. With time. You're younger than me when it happened to me, and I thought it was over for me and I'd never love again and he was the love of my life, and I loved him so much and what have you, and I was completely wrong. Just take it one day at a time, and eventually you'll stop thinking about him. But it's important you cut contact. People aren't really exaggerating when they say it's almost like a drug: love does a similar thing to the reward centers of your brain.
But no matter what relationship type I had (LD or regular) they all had one thing in common: I always kinda knew deep deep down whether it was going to work, or whether I was full of doubts. I sometimes denied it to myself painting it over with visions of sugar plums, but deep down, I knew there wasn't a 'real' future. I feel like the mere fact you're asking this, means you know, too.
I have another boyfriend now, and I don't get that niggly feeling in the pit of my gut any more. I no longer have the urge to write AskMe's about my love life, I'll tell you that much!
See, the difference between the guy I liked and my now boyfriend? I've always felt secure. I've never for one moment doubted his love. We discussed our relationship prior to me leaving his country. We had a long, intense, 'define the relationship' talk. We decided whether we should leave it as a summer vacation fling, or pursue it. We discussed what we meant to each other. It wasn't scary or hard. We didn't shy away from it. We wanted the same thing: each other. We felt it was the beginning of love. We embraced it. And we made plans to be together again. We felt we were strong enough to endure distance, and we are.
See, the long distance is a red herring. It's the relationship that just isn't right. It won't be, no matter where you are.
My boyfriend treats me like he's pleased to see me-- like I'm worth fighting for. He's not distant, or absent, or hard to get a hold of. He works 40 hour weeks, and the time zones make things wonky, but we find time. We discuss when we're going to see each other next-- we're going to book the tickets soon, we discuss what our next steps are, what we want. We discuss the big things like who is going to move to where and immigration. We have an end date. We know we want to be together. As people have said, people make time.
He tells me every day how awesome I am, how lovely, how beautiful and sexy. I've never felt this hot before. It's the same as the day I left him, even though I've actually gained about 10 lbs since I was there. If anything, I feel like he loves me more and more each day.
I don't think I've cried over him once. Well, tears of happiness like a sappy sap.
Unlike my previous relationships, I don't see a question mark on our future because no matter what, we both want a future together. This goes for any relationship, but doubly so for a LDR. And when I see my paired up friends? I no longer get a gnawing feeling in my gut, despite the distance. I think, 'awesome! In love people! I have that too!'
If someone wants to be with you, and you want to be with them, you'll find a way no matter what. They won't throw barriers up. They won't make excuses. Believe me when I say, it's the very least you deserve. You deserve someone who thinks you're awesome and who you think is awesome. And you absolutely shouldn't settle on this lukewarm guy. Life is too short.
Sorry for the length. Good luck. You'll be okay.
posted by Dimes at 10:11 AM on March 14, 2015 [7 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by telegraph at 10:12 AM on March 11, 2015 [5 favorites]