How do I bar?
March 2, 2015 1:13 PM Subscribe
I'm going to have a lot of solo work travel this spring and would like to spend some of my evenings with other people. I'd like to be able to chill out with random people at bars, and am not averse to going home with one occasionally, but don't know how to go about that. Everyone there who appears remotely appealing always seems to be with a group already and I don't know how to break in.
I'm 35, female, of average attractiveness, with somewhat Aspie-ish social skills (if that's not obvious by the fact that I need to ask this question!)
I'm 35, female, of average attractiveness, with somewhat Aspie-ish social skills (if that's not obvious by the fact that I need to ask this question!)
Best answer: I'm a male and I traveled a lot, so I got this down cold! First of all, you're female so from my female colleagues, your best bet is to be very direct and strong if you get unwanted advances. This NEVER happens to me, so unfortunately I cannot say how bad it'll be, but I meet a lot of genuine male and female friends traveling:
1. If you're in one city for any length of time, say a week, Tinder is great. Be sure to be up front about your intentions, that you're only here for a short amount of time, and then aggressively seek a meetup as every day you spend texting is another day you're not out doing something. This works well for me and I didn't use it to just pick up girls or anything, to genuinely meet friends. As a woman, I'm assuming you'll get 1000x more dick pics and that sort of stuff but I imagine there's guys like me who would be glad to take someone from out of town out to meet people and have fun.
2. Bartenders are great at being your friend. Tip healthy, talk to them when they're bored and they'll steer creeps away from you and let you know who the other cool business travelers or locals are. Don't bug them when they're working, kind of let them guide the conversation at first, especially if you're not used to this.
3. Don't get too drunk. Expense account and cab rides everywhere can lead to bad situations.
4. Force yourself out, even if you don't think the place is cool or whatever. Don't go somewhere that you feel uncomfortable, but I've been in the middle of nowhere, went to a national chain and met all kinds of people like me who are just bored and traveling or locals that were bored.
5. Gay bars are genuinely really accepting of all kinds of people and very friendly. If I'm in a medium town and completely lost as to where the go, I go to a non-club gay bar where I'll inevitably meet a lot of people not from the town I'm in or just interesting to talk to.
EDIT to drjimmy11: 7. Bar hookups, especially at business travel bars/hotels, definitely happen. 100%, if you're a female it will be like any other bar scene where you can be a picky buyer. I would only be careful in that people are loose in their definition of relationships, again from my observational experience, so if you're not comfortable with that random hookups in general are probably a bad idea.
To be fair, I don't go out on business travel to hookup, I go out to meet people or else I'd spend most of my time alone in a hotel room, so take this advice as you will.
posted by geoff. at 1:25 PM on March 2, 2015 [9 favorites]
1. If you're in one city for any length of time, say a week, Tinder is great. Be sure to be up front about your intentions, that you're only here for a short amount of time, and then aggressively seek a meetup as every day you spend texting is another day you're not out doing something. This works well for me and I didn't use it to just pick up girls or anything, to genuinely meet friends. As a woman, I'm assuming you'll get 1000x more dick pics and that sort of stuff but I imagine there's guys like me who would be glad to take someone from out of town out to meet people and have fun.
2. Bartenders are great at being your friend. Tip healthy, talk to them when they're bored and they'll steer creeps away from you and let you know who the other cool business travelers or locals are. Don't bug them when they're working, kind of let them guide the conversation at first, especially if you're not used to this.
3. Don't get too drunk. Expense account and cab rides everywhere can lead to bad situations.
4. Force yourself out, even if you don't think the place is cool or whatever. Don't go somewhere that you feel uncomfortable, but I've been in the middle of nowhere, went to a national chain and met all kinds of people like me who are just bored and traveling or locals that were bored.
5. Gay bars are genuinely really accepting of all kinds of people and very friendly. If I'm in a medium town and completely lost as to where the go, I go to a non-club gay bar where I'll inevitably meet a lot of people not from the town I'm in or just interesting to talk to.
EDIT to drjimmy11: 7. Bar hookups, especially at business travel bars/hotels, definitely happen. 100%, if you're a female it will be like any other bar scene where you can be a picky buyer. I would only be careful in that people are loose in their definition of relationships, again from my observational experience, so if you're not comfortable with that random hookups in general are probably a bad idea.
To be fair, I don't go out on business travel to hookup, I go out to meet people or else I'd spend most of my time alone in a hotel room, so take this advice as you will.
posted by geoff. at 1:25 PM on March 2, 2015 [9 favorites]
I love bars. My usual approach has been to simply find a convenient bar that I like (e.g. one close enough to home that I can hop over to for a drink or two without any preparation; one where the ambiance is enjoyable) and then getting to know the bartender(s). This usually means going a few times and being comfortable not knowing anyone, but also not shying away from talking to the person serving your drinks when they aren't ridiculously busy (say, Monday night right after work, not Saturday night at 9 pm). Bartenders help socially lubricate in more ways than just serving alcohol--they also can introduce like-minded patrons, keep conversations going, give you something to talk about, etc.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:08 PM on March 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:08 PM on March 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you play pool or darts, there are sometimes casual groups that welcome friendly strangers for pickup games.
posted by Candleman at 3:50 PM on March 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Candleman at 3:50 PM on March 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I think it might be easier to get to chatting with people you don't know if you go to an event (like a concert or show), vs. a bar or pub on a regular night when nothing's going on. Imo it feels less weird, as a single person, to be somewhere for a purpose other than just drinking, so you can, e.g., dance for a bit, go to the bar, talk to people, dance some more, go out and get some air, etc. (Fwiw, most smokers are used to making conversation with other strange smokers; if you want to just go outside to cool down, there will likely be someone to talk to.) So, maybe check through the city listings before you go to see if things you might enjoy are going on.
As far as initiating conversation, a low-stakes bid might be a light-hearted comment about some aspect of the environment, or a moment you and the other person just witnessed at the same time (e.g. something about the song being played at that moment, the massive and artful cocktail the bartender just served, some observation like that). I guess timing is something to think about; I guess, if someone's obviously otherwise engaged (carrying a bunch of drinks; talking to someone else), don't interrupt; if they're kind of standing by the bar waiting for a drink, and it's not too busy, and you like the look of them, and there's a moment that happens that's kind of funny or great, and you think they're seeing or feeling it too, say hello and talk about it.
(Where, roughly, are you going? Some places have more of an "it's ok (or even fun) to shoot the shit" culture. I've found people in pretty much any town I've visited in the US or UK more amenable to chit-chat than people in most places in Canada, e.g.)
Stay safe; read up on the areas you're staying in and how to get around late; definitely don't drink too much; and if you're travelling with colleagues, let them know where you'll be.
posted by cotton dress sock at 4:21 PM on March 2, 2015
As far as initiating conversation, a low-stakes bid might be a light-hearted comment about some aspect of the environment, or a moment you and the other person just witnessed at the same time (e.g. something about the song being played at that moment, the massive and artful cocktail the bartender just served, some observation like that). I guess timing is something to think about; I guess, if someone's obviously otherwise engaged (carrying a bunch of drinks; talking to someone else), don't interrupt; if they're kind of standing by the bar waiting for a drink, and it's not too busy, and you like the look of them, and there's a moment that happens that's kind of funny or great, and you think they're seeing or feeling it too, say hello and talk about it.
(Where, roughly, are you going? Some places have more of an "it's ok (or even fun) to shoot the shit" culture. I've found people in pretty much any town I've visited in the US or UK more amenable to chit-chat than people in most places in Canada, e.g.)
Stay safe; read up on the areas you're staying in and how to get around late; definitely don't drink too much; and if you're travelling with colleagues, let them know where you'll be.
posted by cotton dress sock at 4:21 PM on March 2, 2015
Best answer: I travel a fair amount and really like bars to while away the evening. I'm not looking to pick people up these days, but in my younger days I was at least open to it, and I agree with geoff. had to say, especially about befriending the bartender. One thing I like to do my first night in a new place is to walk around outside and find a copy of the local arts and culture weekly rag (most cities have one), then peruse it at the bar and use it for kind of a "what should I check out while I'm in town" conversation starter. if you get the bartender involved, soon the whole bar will get involved giving you their picks and recommendations. Everyone loves to recommend.
One thing that happens is, depending on the type of travel you're doing, the hotel bar can either be an awesome place to meet other travelers, or overrun by the 1012 attendees of a sales conference or something. Depending on the hotel, hotel bars can be fantastic, or among the most miserable places on earth. My heart sinks when I see some wan "Champions Sports Pub!" or "R. J. GoodTimey's!" as the hotel bar. These days I have more control over where I stay and I often will try to stay in a historic hotel or boutique hotel, both of which tend to have cooler bars.
But finding the right bar is key. I learned from a friend of mine who's into urban planning to just ask the concierge, hotel staff, visitor folks at the airport about the kind of place you like. Because if you use the right keywords, you can find your people. For instance, "Is there a bohemian, hippie-type neighborhood around here with bars and places to eat?" "Is there a gay-friendly neighborhood with bars and places to eat?" "Where can I go to hear live jazz/blues/rock/indie music?" "Is there an upscale cocktail bar around here where young professionals go?" "Is there a friendly Irish pub type place around here?" "Is there any kind of quirky/nerdy/geeky/trivia night at a bar around here?" Whether we like to think so or not, we all fit a traveler profile, and travel pros can steer you in the right direction.
If you have any special interests, see if there are any get-togethers or meetups happening around them. I've met people in bars in cities around the country over swing dance, MetaFilter, foodie stuff, Battledecks, etc. At least when you go to a place that's hosting an event about something you're into, you have a built-in icebreaker.
Oh, and...this is a silly suggestion, but at a quiet early hour of the evening you might try carrying a book and reading it at the bar. It's actually kind of a counter-suggestion. I love to read in bars, but it seems to cause an invariable reaction that some lone guy will start talking to me about what book I'm reading. This can work out OK, or not, if you're open to it. Anyway, it seems to be something guys use as an opener, so if you're open to an opener, bring something with an interesting cover or title and be prepared to talk about it.
posted by Miko at 6:44 PM on March 2, 2015 [5 favorites]
One thing that happens is, depending on the type of travel you're doing, the hotel bar can either be an awesome place to meet other travelers, or overrun by the 1012 attendees of a sales conference or something. Depending on the hotel, hotel bars can be fantastic, or among the most miserable places on earth. My heart sinks when I see some wan "Champions Sports Pub!" or "R. J. GoodTimey's!" as the hotel bar. These days I have more control over where I stay and I often will try to stay in a historic hotel or boutique hotel, both of which tend to have cooler bars.
But finding the right bar is key. I learned from a friend of mine who's into urban planning to just ask the concierge, hotel staff, visitor folks at the airport about the kind of place you like. Because if you use the right keywords, you can find your people. For instance, "Is there a bohemian, hippie-type neighborhood around here with bars and places to eat?" "Is there a gay-friendly neighborhood with bars and places to eat?" "Where can I go to hear live jazz/blues/rock/indie music?" "Is there an upscale cocktail bar around here where young professionals go?" "Is there a friendly Irish pub type place around here?" "Is there any kind of quirky/nerdy/geeky/trivia night at a bar around here?" Whether we like to think so or not, we all fit a traveler profile, and travel pros can steer you in the right direction.
If you have any special interests, see if there are any get-togethers or meetups happening around them. I've met people in bars in cities around the country over swing dance, MetaFilter, foodie stuff, Battledecks, etc. At least when you go to a place that's hosting an event about something you're into, you have a built-in icebreaker.
Oh, and...this is a silly suggestion, but at a quiet early hour of the evening you might try carrying a book and reading it at the bar. It's actually kind of a counter-suggestion. I love to read in bars, but it seems to cause an invariable reaction that some lone guy will start talking to me about what book I'm reading. This can work out OK, or not, if you're open to it. Anyway, it seems to be something guys use as an opener, so if you're open to an opener, bring something with an interesting cover or title and be prepared to talk about it.
posted by Miko at 6:44 PM on March 2, 2015 [5 favorites]
Sit AT the actual bar, not at a table IN the bar. That's where the conversation with random strangers happens.
posted by Jacqueline at 6:31 AM on March 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Jacqueline at 6:31 AM on March 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks all! I'll primarily be in upstate NY cities and towns, usually just for one night.
posted by metasarah at 6:46 AM on March 3, 2015
posted by metasarah at 6:46 AM on March 3, 2015
Best answer: First, know what you like to drink and have a few orders in your back pocket so you don't start out by annoying your bartender. Be aware of the limits of your knowledge: you can and should ask for help but if you have a few things you know you like you can ask for suggestions and help the bartender help you, e.g. if it's a beer place you can say "can you recommend an IPA?" or, conversely, "I like beer but I don't like IPAs. Can you recommend something that isn't ridiculously hoppy?" For cocktails this could be something like a highball (gin and tonic, gin and ginger or whiskey and ginger, Jack and Coke, and so on), an Old Fashioned, a Negroni, or whatever. Note that certain orders will play better in some bars than others. I wouldn't order a Manhattan in a beer bar, and when a friend ordered Campari and soda in an Irish bar [don't ask] the server reacted as if she had actually asked for rat poison. I like vermouth a lot but I wouldn't order vermouth on the rocks in a bar where I can tell they aren't actually serving enough vermouth to keep it fresh. It also helps to have a few low- or no-alcohol drinks you know you like. Low-alcohol would be vermouth on the rocks or Campari and soda, for instance; no-alcohol orders like club soda or ginger ale with bitters* are often seen as "industry insider" drinks and may earn a little respect from the bartender.
* Cocktail pedantry: cocktail bitters typically do contain alcohol, but the amount of alcohol in a few dashes is generally inconsequential. But that "no-alcohol" option does, strictly speaking, contain a very small amount of alcohol. Teetotalers be advised.
I'd second a few of the suggestions above and disagree with others. I find that hotel bars are often overpriced and disappointing, so unless I knew I was in a hotel with a serious bar program (they do exist) or I could tell just by scoping it out, I'd probably try hard to get out of the hotel, and I'd start by asking the concierge as Miko says.
Wherever you go, definitely sit at the bar, not at a table. Introduce yourself to the bartender. Tip up front and well. If you're paying with cash, tip at least $2 on the first drink; if you're paying with a card hand it over with your first order and request that they keep the check open. Ordering one drink, paying with a card, and then ordering another drink is annoying, if not worse; ordering one drink, tipping well with cash, and then opening a tab with the second round is OK. Opening a tab after the first round signals that you were happy with the first round, and if the bartender was happy with your tip, your later rounds should also be good.
Have something to read, but don't isolate yourself with it. It's easy to cut yourself off by, say, texting all night, but if you're engaging with the bartender the people around you will also engage with you if they see fit. And to a lot of people a book in a bar is a clear signal that the person reading it wants to be asked about it. As a straight guy there's a lot of gender politics I can't really address, but I don't get the impression that solo women will lack attention, especially if they are there to be there, not just waiting for somebody and anxiously checking a phone (which is a very obvious way a book is different than a phone).
posted by fedward at 7:24 AM on March 3, 2015
* Cocktail pedantry: cocktail bitters typically do contain alcohol, but the amount of alcohol in a few dashes is generally inconsequential. But that "no-alcohol" option does, strictly speaking, contain a very small amount of alcohol. Teetotalers be advised.
I'd second a few of the suggestions above and disagree with others. I find that hotel bars are often overpriced and disappointing, so unless I knew I was in a hotel with a serious bar program (they do exist) or I could tell just by scoping it out, I'd probably try hard to get out of the hotel, and I'd start by asking the concierge as Miko says.
Wherever you go, definitely sit at the bar, not at a table. Introduce yourself to the bartender. Tip up front and well. If you're paying with cash, tip at least $2 on the first drink; if you're paying with a card hand it over with your first order and request that they keep the check open. Ordering one drink, paying with a card, and then ordering another drink is annoying, if not worse; ordering one drink, tipping well with cash, and then opening a tab with the second round is OK. Opening a tab after the first round signals that you were happy with the first round, and if the bartender was happy with your tip, your later rounds should also be good.
Have something to read, but don't isolate yourself with it. It's easy to cut yourself off by, say, texting all night, but if you're engaging with the bartender the people around you will also engage with you if they see fit. And to a lot of people a book in a bar is a clear signal that the person reading it wants to be asked about it. As a straight guy there's a lot of gender politics I can't really address, but I don't get the impression that solo women will lack attention, especially if they are there to be there, not just waiting for somebody and anxiously checking a phone (which is a very obvious way a book is different than a phone).
posted by fedward at 7:24 AM on March 3, 2015
Find slightly upscale restaurants with bars and eat dinner at the bar - I find this is what other singles tend to do, and provides conversation fodder. Striking up a conversation about what to order (Have you tried the steak before? How is it? Oh, what are you drinking?) is easier than other topics. And it definitely helps if the bartender is a little friendly with you, so that the person you're talking to has a cue that you're friendly and non-threatening, too.
I've had a lot of great conversations this way. Don't be put off if folks don't want to talk - be sure you have something like a phone around to distract yourself if that's the case.
Another great question is to ask about other good restaurants / bars in the area - people love to give recommendations!
posted by ldthomps at 9:14 AM on March 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
I've had a lot of great conversations this way. Don't be put off if folks don't want to talk - be sure you have something like a phone around to distract yourself if that's the case.
Another great question is to ask about other good restaurants / bars in the area - people love to give recommendations!
posted by ldthomps at 9:14 AM on March 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
As far as "peeling off" an attractive stranger from a group of his friends, this is a pretty unlikely scenario. In general, the proverbial "bar pick-up" is something that happens more on TV than in real life, and no one is particularly "good" at it.
posted by drjimmy11 at 1:20 PM on March 2, 2015 [3 favorites]