How to self-talk in the aftermath of a breakup
January 19, 2015 12:29 AM   Subscribe

Dear Askme, I am so sad--any words of advice for the very recently heartbroken? My boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me yesterday. It was for the 'right' reasons--he came to realize that he didn't want, with me, the long-term things (living together, marriage, kids) that I wanted with him. I'm not mad at him--just very sad.

It wasn't a perfect relationship but it was the best I've ever had. I'm in my early 30s; he's in his mid-30s.

How do you stop the negative self-talk that comes with heartbreak? I put on a lot of weight (about 25 lbs) in the last six months of our relationship, thanks to a nasty injury; I feel so fat and sad and i don't understand how I'll ever end up with anyone as great as my now-ex ever again. I so badly want to have kids someday, so now I have to lose all this weight and start again. I thought we were great together; I thought we loved each other; we talked about a future together regularly; he was good with my family. I didn't see this coming, but maybe I should have. I'm going to miss falling to sleep next to him. I don't feel that I have anyone I can talk to about this. I don't have any close friends in the town where I live.

I've read some great longer-time post-break-up advice on metafilter--I know not to drink; I know I should go out without the purpose of meeting new people; I know I should volunteer. But what do I do today? How do I frame this in my mind other than, "he didn't want me any more" or "I let myself go"? Tell me what to tell myself, please.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (14 answers total) 16 users marked this as a favorite
 
You learned a lot in this relationship and the next one you're going to be smarter and wiser. Especially with regard to what you're looking for.
Hugs.
posted by k8t at 12:38 AM on January 19, 2015 [7 favorites]


The best short term advice I can give you is to meet your pain head on. Post unexpected divorce, I made a long long list of all the things I missed about my STBX and about my marriage and then I added all the things I wouldn't miss. It was hella painful to be that detailed, but it helped me start focusing on what I wanted rather than believing he was the only one who could give it to me.

I'm not done with that work yet, I'm afraid. But the great goodbye list helped me.

(And give yourself time to mourn. And take care.)
posted by frumiousb at 12:43 AM on January 19, 2015 [5 favorites]


Losing weight because you want to is a good thing; losing weight because you "have to" in order to find love is not a nice mindspace. Be nice to your mindspace. By all means, definitely go work out or take walks or do something active that makes you happy, because exercise helps you feel better - not only from the endorphins, but from the sensation of doing something good for yourself. But please don't think that you have to lose 25 lbs to be loveable, or that you have to wait until those pounds are gone before you can start dating again. People of all sizes can and do find love.

I totally get the feeling of having let yourself go; I gained 75 (!) lbs over the course of 6 months while taking a medication. I completely understand. However, be kind to you. Remind yourself that he broke up with you because he had different goals. If you have to, turn it into a mantra:

Brain: He broke up with you because you ate too many cookies!
You: He broke up with me because he had different goals.
Brain: OMG HOW COULD YOU GAIN THIS WEIGHT?!?!?
You: He broke up with me because he had different goals.
Brain: I'm over the hill! I'm doomed forever!
You: He broke up with me because he had different goals.

Eventually your brain will get it. Be kind to you.
posted by RogueTech at 1:24 AM on January 19, 2015 [17 favorites]


News flash: there are plenty of people out there who would think you are pretty hot, right now. There are lots of folks who love curves! Perhaps you could learn to be one of them.

If you really want to lose the weight, by all means do so. You should do whatever you can to be healthy, and you should look how you want to look. But please, don't think of a little chub as a 100% bad thing. Do a Google image search for sexy chubby women. There is nothing wrong with a woman having curves!

Be a little kinder to yourself. Try to love the body you've got now, even if it's not the body you plan to have in a few months. At the very least, remind yourself that weight is changeable. If you really don't like your current weight, you're not stuck with it.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 2:26 AM on January 19, 2015


I was pretty much in your situation in the early part of last year. Memail me if you want to talk about it because talking about it (yup sometimes to random internet people) helped me. But in the meantime, here are my tips for Short-Term Survival:

- Fuck worrying about weight gain. Exercising and health overhaul is for when you get through the initial grieving stage. For now, eating nutella off a serving-spoon is A-OK, as per me last year; any weight I put on at that time I lost once I was ready to get up from rock bottom.
- Watch comedy on tv, NOT romcoms or any of that shit, make yourself laugh, ideally at people more broken than how you feel; my despair-comedies of choice were Black Books, Monty Python and League of Gentleman.
- Get outside and Do Weather, if it's sunny, feel the sun on your face and let it sink in. If it's raining, go and get soaked, then come home and get warm and dry and have a hot cup of tea.
- Feed the birds
- If/when a little thought pops into your mind that you knew, you knew there was a tiny something missing, that things weren't 100% right, but you didn't let yourself know it because you wanted things to be right, let it form and realise that it doesn't take anything away from your sadness. But know that this is not a thing done to you that you can't perhaps use to get somewhere better and happier someday, this is not a blow that you will never recover from. You will come back from this; until then, show the nutella who is boss and fuck worrying about your weight, you can get to that when you're ready to pick yourself up and dust yourself off. There's nothing wrong with sitting in the dust for a while. I did, and I'm back and at least 65% more awesome these days.
posted by greenish at 2:41 AM on January 19, 2015 [21 favorites]


Hi Anonymous. I'm so sorry and I feel for you. My wife of 5 years told me she was completely decided about wanting a breakup less than a week ago, so I'm not so very far from where you are now.

The most embarrassing thing that helped me improve my self-talk was, specifically trying to talk to myself in my head the way I used to console my partner when she was upset. Gently, calmly, reassuringly, lovingly. It felt a little ridiculous, but it helped me grieve the loss of having a partner to comfort, while reminding me that that gentle, nurturing person who would empathetically console their upset partner was still me, and I needed exactly that sort of affection and empathy right now. This helped me resolve to be kinder to myself, and to be my own best friend for a while.

Other advice that isn't necessarily specifically self-talk related, but perhaps might help:

I took some time off work since I couldn't actually get anything done, and needed some time to think, grieve, reflect. If you have the luxury of taking some sick days or vacation days, do it.

Make sure you take care of the basics. Make sure you're showering, brushing your teeth, flossing, wearing clothes that usually make you the happiest and most comfortable. Everything will take twice as long. This is OK.

The single most helpful practical thing so far has been reaching out to as many family and friends as possible. While you need to reflect and grieve, you can't do that all the time. Turn to your most supportive, caring, closest friends. If there are people out of town who you're close to, call them or Skype them. They'll be glad to help you, and for me, focusing on feeling grateful for all those people gave me some moments of genuine happiness even in the first few horrible days. Also, don't be scared to reach out to people who you know, but you're not currently close to. People can surprise you.

Third - eat. For days I couldn't eat unless I had someone with me. This is another reason to spend time with people. You might not enjoy the food, but make sure you get something down you. I resorted to getting some superfood protein and vitamin powder to make sure I was at least getting something down me. I also grabbed some vitamin supplements and omega-3 supplements to take at the same time. My thinking was, the more I try and take care of my body, hopefully the better it will take care of my mind.

Fourth , and most difficult - Try to honestly, genuinely view this time as a gift. I've been reading When Things Fall Apart, which is packed full of wisdom. Much of it deals with the idea of "leaning into the sharp points" - not running from a crisis, or repressing it, but trying to face it head on, and recognizing that crises are ultimately something that can help us change, grow, and heal. I really recommend it.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 3:08 AM on January 19, 2015 [21 favorites]


It wasn't a perfect relationship but it was the best I've ever had.... I didn't see this coming, but maybe I should have.

You are shocked right now, but you're hinting here that even though your ex did the breaking up, you knew on some level that it wasn't ideal. So instead of seeing the breakup as your fault because you weren't right for him, explore honestly what wasn't right (for you). In what ways were you settling? Were you seeing him as "the one" because of your age? Because this relationship was better than others? What signs were there that you ignored? Etc.
posted by headnsouth at 4:16 AM on January 19, 2015 [6 favorites]


I am so sorry you're going through this right now. If you are in the northern hemisphere, the advice to get some sunlight is excellent. Little "happy lights" are sold inexpensively all over and you can use one for a few minutes in the morning. Prop yourself up physically as you can-- vitamin D and fish oil are good too.

But let yourself be sad for a while. A friend once advised me, in hard times, to allow myself to sink into the sadness-- other people are saying lean in-- and welcome it for a while. Light some candles in the evening and let yourself feel the feelings for 20 minutes without doing anything else.

But especially, I wanted to suggest that you avoid, if possible, thinking along the lines of "I have to lose weight and I have to start over." It's not the weight per se, it's the idea that you need to spend a certain amount of time waiting for this or that to happen in order to move in a forward direction. That's a trap. 25 pounds is not that much anyway but if you get into the mindset of needing to lose it to move forward with something, you will hang onto it. Or you will find something else to hang onto.

Good luck!
posted by BibiRose at 7:18 AM on January 19, 2015


I wouldn't suggest getting back into the dating scene immediately. Wait a month and be good to yourself, as everyone's suggesting. You don't need more rejection right now, so seek out friends who will be kind and loving.

Hugs-- you have such a good attitude, realizing there's no hate here, just incompatibility. You'll find someone who loves you.
posted by pippin at 7:36 AM on January 19, 2015


In addition to correcting the thinking RogueTech mentions, might I also suggest the following?

Brain: I let myself go!
You: Healing from an injury is the opposite of letting myself go.
Brain: But I gained weight!
You: That is just a side effect of caring for myself the way I needed to.

I don't like the concept of "letting oneself go" anyway, because I don't believe a person's whole self is contained in their weight. But even if someone thinks it's a valid thing, there's no way weight gained while recovering from "a nasty injury" qualifies as letting oneself go. Really--ask yourself (by which I mean, ask that nasty little voice that pipes up when you're feeling lowest), would it have been better to keep exercising, aggravate the injury, and end up unable to exercise ever again?
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:49 AM on January 19, 2015 [6 favorites]


I'm sorry you have to go through this. A couple things that I'm still working on myself after a difficult divorce last year:

I can't agree more with the others in this thread that essentially said Be kind to yourself. I particularly like Jon Mitchell's approach of thinking how he normally comforts others with care and love; you deserve that too.

Specifically about body image: this may sound corny but I found an inspirational phrase from an athlete online that has helped: Work out because you love your body, not because you hate it. Seems trivial but this has really helped me to approach my eating habits and getting in shape in a positive way instead of negative.

Hope that helps, and you'll get through it!
posted by brism at 9:05 AM on January 19, 2015 [1 favorite]


I am sorry, that sucks.

I have been in this situation almost exactly (the weight gain, the "I thought we had PLANS") but it was also a long time ago. I hope the "Hey, over time this will drop into the background radiation of your life" advice I have is helpful.

First off it's okay to feel that this sucks because it does suck but learning mindfulness to deal with sucky situations is helpful. That is, it's one thing to be all "This sucks!" and it's another to let that feeling become the organizer of all of your other thoughts and actions. Try to have a feeling, assess it and let it go, keep on living your life.

Remember what the things were that are "your life" from before (or even during) the relationship and reacquaint yourself with yourself. Some of the things you like doing aren't going to feel enjoyable but do them anyhow. This ranges from self-care (hygeine, dressing the way you like, eating the foods you like) to actual activities. If you have a few things that you loved and your partner didn't, some special focus on those may be helpful. I spent a LOT of time sleeping in when I got out of a relationship with an early riser. Oh yeah I like to sleep in and now I can! Simple pleasures.

Remember, part of this is your body going through a kind of withdrawal of all those feel-good drugs that help humans pair bond with each other (oxytocin and etc). Not saying this to be all "Bah it's just chemical" but to help you be kind to yourself as the chemistry of your body is out of wack and that's a pain in the ass to handle.

Stay healthy but ignore the weight loss issue for now for two reasons. 1. It's an easy way to get down on yourself and as others have said you've been taking care of yourself and should continue to do so 2. weight loss isn't going to be the difference/deal breaker between some hypothetical fulfilling life and where you are now. It's easy to try to find a personal thing to blame yourself for, but relationships end for a number of reasons and this sounds like bad fit. Keep telling yourself that if two people want different things in a life-goal sense, they should not be together and this is what happened in your case. Bad fit. Not you, not them, but the two of you.

If all else fails, just lie to yourself a little. I told myself stories (and this is 20 years ago now so I am ok talking about it) that I would lose the weight and go back and win him back and blablabla. I set a far off goal (In a year I will try again at this relationship) and in less than six months I looked back at this idea from a sad and lonely me and saw it for what it was: a coping strategy while i bought myself some time. Some of this is time. Letting yourself create a new life for you, letting the couple-drugs wear off, establishing a new normal for yourself so everything doesn't feel so ABnormal.

Eat ok, sleep ok, get outside, read some books, take care of yourself, be kind to yourself. That thing that happens sucked but that doesn't mean that your life going forward has to.
posted by jessamyn at 9:16 AM on January 19, 2015 [6 favorites]


My main advice is to let yourself feel your feelings without trying to suppress, exaggerate or judge them; so if you miss him, or you are angry or sad, just feel that.

My second advice is not to let yourself get too far with borrowing pain by way of speculation. "He wouldn't have broken up with me if I hadn't let myself go" counts as borrowed speculatory pain, as does "The great married life we were going to have in the future is destroyed now." You can't know if that stuff is true. From what you say, it probably isn't even true. And anyway it isn't your pain and sadness; it's your brain trying to cope with your pain and sadness by controlling/labeling it.

I said this somewhere else on Mefi, but I had a mindfulness meditation teacher once, and sometimes people would describe the most messed-up mental processes to her in front of the group (i.e. "sometimes I'm trying to follow the breath and I just start thinking about how much I hate my nose and then I start thinking about Law and Order Special Victims Unit and how many times the lady got stabbed last night...") and she would, over and over, smile in a friendly way and then say "well, that's a thought!" I recommend taking that approach to your mind struggling with "I'll never get married" and "This happened because I am fat" and all the other crap that your mind is going to throw at you. Just take a breath, try to internally gentle yourself, and think "well, that's a thought."

Then go feel your sad feelings and be gentle. Play some music you like. Have some tea. If you're hungry, make yourself nutritious food. Watch calming movies or TV. Light a candle. Call your close friends who are not in your town. This won't last forever. You are a good person. Treat yourself like someone you love; you deserve that.
posted by feets at 12:49 PM on January 19, 2015 [3 favorites]


Just know, even as you go through the day to day of the pain right now, and which you must, rather than blocking it, is taht it does indeed fade with time. Time does help heal. A cliche that I have learnt to appreciate in the 24 years since my heart was broken for the very first time.


/also, if it helps elicit a giggle "Time wounds all heels"
posted by infini at 8:49 AM on January 21, 2015


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