Demisexuality
January 1, 2015 6:46 AM Subscribe
Am I demisexual and is this rare?
First, demisexual basically means that you have little to no sexual attraction to someone unless there was an emotional bond and is often compared to asexuality because it's not the majority of the population and seems to be a rare breed. You can read more here: http://lonerwolf.com/are-you-demisexual/
Anyway, I recently learned this definition and thought maybe I am demisexual. Too often, people get overly excited over someone's looks about how hot they are, would rip their clothes off, and practically drool over them. I can't stand it to be honest, there are very few men I find handsome physically and even if I did find them hot, I would get over their looks short term after seeing it so many times. Also, their demeanor and personality largely affects if I am attracted to someone, can't be a cocky jerk! I find it difficult to participate in a conversation who's sexy and who's not. I can think of a few handsome men but I don't really have any crushes or desires for them except my boyfriend.
I met handsome guys before and don't think of it sexually unless I have a big crush or attraction to them. I've crushed from afar and had sexual thoughts back in high school.
Another reason why I may be demisexual is because meeting my bf, I had a huge crush on him the first meeting. I was instantly attracted and felt butterflies...but I couldn't try to even think of us being sexual because I just met him and felt like it was wrong? Lol, but that definitely didn't mean I was open to getting physical with him.
Reasons I may not be demisexual: I sometimes watch porn.
It's rare but happens, I'm like "woah" if I see a muscular masculine naked man unexpectedly or in a sexy photo but again I get over it and if I see it again it's eh. But I feel sexual urges for my bf mainly. I've met men in clubs (before my bf) I felt sexual attraction to if they flirted and danced up on me but was still being respectful.
So am I demisexual? Also, how is this rare? It seems like it's normal for many women to be this way and for some men...but not a lot. Thoughts??
First, demisexual basically means that you have little to no sexual attraction to someone unless there was an emotional bond and is often compared to asexuality because it's not the majority of the population and seems to be a rare breed. You can read more here: http://lonerwolf.com/are-you-demisexual/
Anyway, I recently learned this definition and thought maybe I am demisexual. Too often, people get overly excited over someone's looks about how hot they are, would rip their clothes off, and practically drool over them. I can't stand it to be honest, there are very few men I find handsome physically and even if I did find them hot, I would get over their looks short term after seeing it so many times. Also, their demeanor and personality largely affects if I am attracted to someone, can't be a cocky jerk! I find it difficult to participate in a conversation who's sexy and who's not. I can think of a few handsome men but I don't really have any crushes or desires for them except my boyfriend.
I met handsome guys before and don't think of it sexually unless I have a big crush or attraction to them. I've crushed from afar and had sexual thoughts back in high school.
Another reason why I may be demisexual is because meeting my bf, I had a huge crush on him the first meeting. I was instantly attracted and felt butterflies...but I couldn't try to even think of us being sexual because I just met him and felt like it was wrong? Lol, but that definitely didn't mean I was open to getting physical with him.
Reasons I may not be demisexual: I sometimes watch porn.
It's rare but happens, I'm like "woah" if I see a muscular masculine naked man unexpectedly or in a sexy photo but again I get over it and if I see it again it's eh. But I feel sexual urges for my bf mainly. I've met men in clubs (before my bf) I felt sexual attraction to if they flirted and danced up on me but was still being respectful.
So am I demisexual? Also, how is this rare? It seems like it's normal for many women to be this way and for some men...but not a lot. Thoughts??
Yeah. You sound completely normal, sorry.
posted by amro at 6:56 AM on January 1, 2015 [21 favorites]
posted by amro at 6:56 AM on January 1, 2015 [21 favorites]
Just my 2 cents - I also used to feel this way my whole life and kinda felt like this is how sexuality "works" in human women. I also kinda always thought that the "ooooh, which movie stars do you think are sexy" was a highly performative attempt to seem "normal" in our over-sexed society. [apologies for super-snobby former me, everyone]
Anyway, then I turned 30.
I'm not saying you're not demisexual! I'm just saying you're normal . . . and so is everyone else.
posted by chainsofreedom at 7:01 AM on January 1, 2015 [13 favorites]
Anyway, then I turned 30.
I'm not saying you're not demisexual! I'm just saying you're normal . . . and so is everyone else.
posted by chainsofreedom at 7:01 AM on January 1, 2015 [13 favorites]
My two cents on this is that asexuals have been sometimes known to accuse the rest of the people in the world of being rabid sex beasts who can't think of anything besides sex. To account for the fact that many people will point out that they like and enjoy sex without wanting to jump the bones of every random person they see, "oh, you're demi-sexual."
It goes the other way too in that highly sex-focused people are the ones who talk about it a lot and implicitly believe that everyone is "really" like them and assume that life without lots of desired varied sexual encounters is somehow a form of repression, so "demi sexual" is created as a category that allows people to explain themselves.
posted by deanc at 7:06 AM on January 1, 2015 [7 favorites]
It goes the other way too in that highly sex-focused people are the ones who talk about it a lot and implicitly believe that everyone is "really" like them and assume that life without lots of desired varied sexual encounters is somehow a form of repression, so "demi sexual" is created as a category that allows people to explain themselves.
posted by deanc at 7:06 AM on January 1, 2015 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: I don't feel normal. No need to apologize....I actually like to hear that this is normal rather that I'm some sort of asexual being or freak to other people because I can't talk about how much I want to ride some random guy just cuz he's hot.
posted by Asian_Hunnie at 7:08 AM on January 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Asian_Hunnie at 7:08 AM on January 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Seems to me that "demisexual" is a word made up in the bowels of some advertising agency somewhere, intended for use as emotional leverage to persuade perfectly healthy human beings to feel confused and inadequate enough to "need" products to "restore" "normal" levels of sexual longing.
The idea that you should want to ride some random guy just cuz he's hot is another toxic commercial meme, existing solely to produce a demand for products that confer hotness.
Don't let the Church of Modern Marketing run your sex life. That way lies misery.
posted by flabdablet at 7:17 AM on January 1, 2015 [57 favorites]
The idea that you should want to ride some random guy just cuz he's hot is another toxic commercial meme, existing solely to produce a demand for products that confer hotness.
Don't let the Church of Modern Marketing run your sex life. That way lies misery.
posted by flabdablet at 7:17 AM on January 1, 2015 [57 favorites]
I think that lately, we hear a whole lot about (and from) people who want to hook up, and even hook up regularly, with people they do not consider themselves to be in a relationship with. It seems that this behaviour, that used to happen but not to be talked about as much, is now the new normal.
But I'm not sure that it actually is. We hear a lot about it, because it's apparently not a taboo anymore, and the fact that we hear a lot about it helps normalise it. It makes it seem like this is how we all are, or should be. But many of us aren't.
To put it very bluntly:
Young girls used to fantasise about getting a boyfriend. Now they seem to fantasise about getting laid. This may be a consequence of how sexualised our society is.
I'm not sure that this is all that great. We get a lot of questions here from (mostly, but not exclusively) women who are worried about developing 'feels' for the people they are having sex with. It seems that this freedom just comes with other things to worry about.
All that said:
I've personally rarely been interested in having sex with someone I did not know as a person yet, and liked. I consider myself normal, consider that behaviour normal, and consider you normal.
posted by Too-Ticky at 7:20 AM on January 1, 2015 [8 favorites]
But I'm not sure that it actually is. We hear a lot about it, because it's apparently not a taboo anymore, and the fact that we hear a lot about it helps normalise it. It makes it seem like this is how we all are, or should be. But many of us aren't.
To put it very bluntly:
Young girls used to fantasise about getting a boyfriend. Now they seem to fantasise about getting laid. This may be a consequence of how sexualised our society is.
I'm not sure that this is all that great. We get a lot of questions here from (mostly, but not exclusively) women who are worried about developing 'feels' for the people they are having sex with. It seems that this freedom just comes with other things to worry about.
All that said:
I've personally rarely been interested in having sex with someone I did not know as a person yet, and liked. I consider myself normal, consider that behaviour normal, and consider you normal.
posted by Too-Ticky at 7:20 AM on January 1, 2015 [8 favorites]
this might be totally off base, but still useful to consider, i think - do you find women attractive? not that you imagine ripping their clothes off and ravaging them, but when you watch porn or walk down the street or go out to clubs, do you linger on their collarbones? examine their hips? watch how their hands reach for things? find yourself gazing at their breasts or hair?
when i was 9 or 10, the girls on the playground started grouping together to giggle over some boy's shoulders or another boy's hair, and i was utterly baffled. i thought maybe i was just late, but the urge just didn't come. i finally realized that if i didn't participate they would think i was weird and i'd be bullied even more than before, so i starting paying attention and performing this bonding ritual with them - i memorized what they complimented about boys and then i'd find that trait on other guys and compliment it - not because i wanted to ravage these guys or even wanted them to touch me, but because i wanted to not be ostricized by the girls in my class. i wanted to stay in the group for social reasons, but also because i gazed at marie claire's hair, and watched how katy moved her hands, and, well, it took a little longer but i realized that i liked women.
now you might be thinking that you can't like women because you're attracted to your boyfriend, you've had these sexual thoughts about men just not in the way women perform them usually - all i'll say to that is that i'm very happily married to a man that i'm deeply attracted to. i've been with many men that i've been attracted to - that attraction just rarely, almost never, started because of an instant primal attraction. my attraction to men grows as my knowledge of them deepens. women on the other hand - i like them immediately from looks alone.
that's a long way around to say while you're considering your labels, you might consider if ones you assume are correct really are. many people think being bisexual means you like men and women equally and indiscriminately - but for many people we like some genders more than others.
posted by nadawi at 7:28 AM on January 1, 2015 [13 favorites]
when i was 9 or 10, the girls on the playground started grouping together to giggle over some boy's shoulders or another boy's hair, and i was utterly baffled. i thought maybe i was just late, but the urge just didn't come. i finally realized that if i didn't participate they would think i was weird and i'd be bullied even more than before, so i starting paying attention and performing this bonding ritual with them - i memorized what they complimented about boys and then i'd find that trait on other guys and compliment it - not because i wanted to ravage these guys or even wanted them to touch me, but because i wanted to not be ostricized by the girls in my class. i wanted to stay in the group for social reasons, but also because i gazed at marie claire's hair, and watched how katy moved her hands, and, well, it took a little longer but i realized that i liked women.
now you might be thinking that you can't like women because you're attracted to your boyfriend, you've had these sexual thoughts about men just not in the way women perform them usually - all i'll say to that is that i'm very happily married to a man that i'm deeply attracted to. i've been with many men that i've been attracted to - that attraction just rarely, almost never, started because of an instant primal attraction. my attraction to men grows as my knowledge of them deepens. women on the other hand - i like them immediately from looks alone.
that's a long way around to say while you're considering your labels, you might consider if ones you assume are correct really are. many people think being bisexual means you like men and women equally and indiscriminately - but for many people we like some genders more than others.
posted by nadawi at 7:28 AM on January 1, 2015 [13 favorites]
If you feel the need to label yourself and that demisexuality is most fitting, go ahead. People's sexualities occur on several spectrums though, including intensity. Just because yours is lower doesn't mean you're not in the normal range.
Many women need more than just good looks to get them interested, and they're particular about what's attractive to them. This is very normal. My husband is a handsome man, but when I initially met him, I felt no attraction at all because I assumed we had nothing in common (from very different backgrounds). Then I got to know him. But I've never had any interest in guys "just because they're hot", and this is coming from someone with a higher libido. Crushing on someone needn't mean sexual desire along with it, sometimes it's an emotional/intellectual thing. The two are distinct, frequently together yes, but sometimes the sexual desire isn't there with the emotional. Women's sexualities are variable, even for one woman from day to day.
posted by lizbunny at 7:30 AM on January 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
Many women need more than just good looks to get them interested, and they're particular about what's attractive to them. This is very normal. My husband is a handsome man, but when I initially met him, I felt no attraction at all because I assumed we had nothing in common (from very different backgrounds). Then I got to know him. But I've never had any interest in guys "just because they're hot", and this is coming from someone with a higher libido. Crushing on someone needn't mean sexual desire along with it, sometimes it's an emotional/intellectual thing. The two are distinct, frequently together yes, but sometimes the sexual desire isn't there with the emotional. Women's sexualities are variable, even for one woman from day to day.
posted by lizbunny at 7:30 AM on January 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
I can very much relate to this. Before I was married, I mostly dated people I had been friends with for a while, and had affection for, and then realized I was attracted to. When people who talk to me about first dates, and say, "Oh I just wasn't attracted to him/her" I would wonder how they knew so quickly. I mean, I would know right away if I didn't like or get along with someone on a date, but attraction was something that would come more slowly. I've been at my job for quite a long time, and work with a lot of people, and I would say I've only felt attracted to someone there maybe two or three times?
So I've always felt a bit apart from the mainstream on this, but it hasn't really hampered me or hurt me. I just think of my tastes as being really quirky and rarely met, but I did fine for relationships before I got married. I'm also a much more reserved and private person than many people, so I don't share in "ooh I'd jump him" talk because I think of that stuff as private.
I do get sort of sequential crushes on TV characters based on both the way their personality is written, and on physical characteristics. I guess these crushes are sort of my version of crushing or lusting after actual people I encounter. And I can see aesthetically that many celebrities or people I meet are very good-looking people without feeling particularly sexy towards them.
posted by Squeak Attack at 7:30 AM on January 1, 2015 [7 favorites]
So I've always felt a bit apart from the mainstream on this, but it hasn't really hampered me or hurt me. I just think of my tastes as being really quirky and rarely met, but I did fine for relationships before I got married. I'm also a much more reserved and private person than many people, so I don't share in "ooh I'd jump him" talk because I think of that stuff as private.
I do get sort of sequential crushes on TV characters based on both the way their personality is written, and on physical characteristics. I guess these crushes are sort of my version of crushing or lusting after actual people I encounter. And I can see aesthetically that many celebrities or people I meet are very good-looking people without feeling particularly sexy towards them.
posted by Squeak Attack at 7:30 AM on January 1, 2015 [7 favorites]
Our perception of the world is influenced by fact that only people who talk about how they feel and what they think are the people we hear from. The people who declare, "oh, yeah, I want a piece of that hot action" and "I totally got laid last night" vastly outnumber the people who declare, "oh, yeah, I am interested in a fulfilling long term romantic and sexual relationship that I am hoping develops if I get to know this person better."
posted by deanc at 7:32 AM on January 1, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by deanc at 7:32 AM on January 1, 2015 [10 favorites]
Some people think, talk, and fantasize about food all the time. Other people really don't care about food unless they are actually hungry. A small number of people honestly think of food as fuel and wish they could just eat some kind of food pill or Bachelor Chow.
It's basically the same with sex I think. You're not a food critic, but you sound a lot closer to "don't ask me about lunch yet, it's 10:00 am" than to "I found this recipe for Soylent and now I don't have to deal with all of that ever again".
posted by steinwald at 7:33 AM on January 1, 2015 [21 favorites]
It's basically the same with sex I think. You're not a food critic, but you sound a lot closer to "don't ask me about lunch yet, it's 10:00 am" than to "I found this recipe for Soylent and now I don't have to deal with all of that ever again".
posted by steinwald at 7:33 AM on January 1, 2015 [21 favorites]
Nope, normal.
Some folks just have to feel an emotional connection before wanting to have sex. As for attraction, some people have very narrow definitions, certain height, certain weight, certain amount of hair. Some of us grow to like people based on personality and character and physical attraction comes later. Some of us will just be horny some days and will just want to have some sex.
You're not a special snowflake in this regard, the rest of the world aren't sluts, it's a large spectrum of different tastes and preferences.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:34 AM on January 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
Some folks just have to feel an emotional connection before wanting to have sex. As for attraction, some people have very narrow definitions, certain height, certain weight, certain amount of hair. Some of us grow to like people based on personality and character and physical attraction comes later. Some of us will just be horny some days and will just want to have some sex.
You're not a special snowflake in this regard, the rest of the world aren't sluts, it's a large spectrum of different tastes and preferences.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:34 AM on January 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for the answers, keep them coming. And to answer above post, no I don't think I'm bisexual lol, don't know where that came from. Yes women can be sexually appealing physically, more so often than men...but I would never consider a relationship. I think women can be annoying and emotional (myself included), I just want men, and I never ever had desire to do things to women. But it's funny because the rare occasions I do watch porn, I find myself looking more at the woman or basing the video off her and the act. Maybe it's cuz most porn men are hideous though. Anyway, to my point, I wouldn't get physical with a woman unless maybe I do a threesome which would probably never happen because so many cons and I think I want my bf all to myself. Probably should just stay a "fantasy" lol.
Love the reference on food! I love food! Eating something damn good can turn me on and want to have sex! Haha... My bf on the other hand doesn't really think of food in the same way as me.
posted by Asian_Hunnie at 7:39 AM on January 1, 2015
Love the reference on food! I love food! Eating something damn good can turn me on and want to have sex! Haha... My bf on the other hand doesn't really think of food in the same way as me.
posted by Asian_Hunnie at 7:39 AM on January 1, 2015
That sounds very bisexual.
posted by Metafilter Username at 7:58 AM on January 1, 2015 [15 favorites]
posted by Metafilter Username at 7:58 AM on January 1, 2015 [15 favorites]
I don't feel normal. No need to apologize....I actually like to hear that this is normal rather that I'm some sort of asexual being or freak to other people...
Since that's your concern, let me just say... I wouldn't know how common or uncommon you are. I haven't studied it, and I'm not a woman. I haven't heard the term "demisexual" before, and I have no opinion on whether it should be applied to you. But if you had said everything you've said hear without using the word demisexual, and without expressing any anxiety about whether you're normal ... it wouldn't strike me as abnormal. I'd think, "I guess a lot of women are probably like that." Again, I don't know if that's true — I could be right or wrong about that. But if your concern is about how this will play out socially if you admit these things to people, I don't think you have much to worry about.
posted by John Cohen at 8:02 AM on January 1, 2015
Since that's your concern, let me just say... I wouldn't know how common or uncommon you are. I haven't studied it, and I'm not a woman. I haven't heard the term "demisexual" before, and I have no opinion on whether it should be applied to you. But if you had said everything you've said hear without using the word demisexual, and without expressing any anxiety about whether you're normal ... it wouldn't strike me as abnormal. I'd think, "I guess a lot of women are probably like that." Again, I don't know if that's true — I could be right or wrong about that. But if your concern is about how this will play out socially if you admit these things to people, I don't think you have much to worry about.
posted by John Cohen at 8:02 AM on January 1, 2015
it's not even a man/woman thing - i've known a lot of guys who are the same way and think something is wrong with them because they don't think about women how a lot of men talk about women.
posted by nadawi at 8:09 AM on January 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 8:09 AM on January 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
That sounds very bisexual.
Or another example of where labels aren't always very helpful. It's ok to appreciate women sexually without needing to define yourself as bisexual or not-bisexual, just as it's totally normal to need an emotional connection before feeling sexual attraction whether or not a specific term is chosen.
Everything you have written sounds absolutely normal to me; if it helps to have a label I think the suggestions work but sometimes labels are less helpful than just accepting that things are this way now and that in the future things might be different.
posted by Dip Flash at 8:12 AM on January 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
Or another example of where labels aren't always very helpful. It's ok to appreciate women sexually without needing to define yourself as bisexual or not-bisexual, just as it's totally normal to need an emotional connection before feeling sexual attraction whether or not a specific term is chosen.
Everything you have written sounds absolutely normal to me; if it helps to have a label I think the suggestions work but sometimes labels are less helpful than just accepting that things are this way now and that in the future things might be different.
posted by Dip Flash at 8:12 AM on January 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
This is completely normal and common, to the degree that I find it puzzling that the author you linked considers it unusual or remarkable. Many people, if not most, either prefer or require an emotional connection to be in place in order to view someone sexually. It's pretty much the model for committed romantic relationships.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:25 AM on January 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:25 AM on January 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
I've never heard of the term demisexual but after reading your link it does seem appropriate here.
I'm guessing you are young and like most young people you are working on some self-discovery and exploring your sexuality. This is fantastic.
I think you should spend some time thinking about sexuality as a fluid concept encompassing many different spectrums - sexual orientation, sexuality, even genitalia. Where do you fall under these categories? Does it differ according to circumstance?
Listen: I consider myself a straight woman. When I was in college there was a girl I was attracted to in a foreign way, meaning her personality hooked me and the physical love came later. She's the only woman I've been with and it may never happen again. But I learned that I do find women beautiful and at times even attractive.
Straight/gay/bisexual/high libido/low libido - these are social constructs and how we attempt to make sense of the crazy awesomeness of being sexual beings. Think of them as ranges on the spectrum and nothing else. These labels only scratch the surface of someone's sexuality.
posted by pintapicasso at 8:26 AM on January 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm guessing you are young and like most young people you are working on some self-discovery and exploring your sexuality. This is fantastic.
I think you should spend some time thinking about sexuality as a fluid concept encompassing many different spectrums - sexual orientation, sexuality, even genitalia. Where do you fall under these categories? Does it differ according to circumstance?
Listen: I consider myself a straight woman. When I was in college there was a girl I was attracted to in a foreign way, meaning her personality hooked me and the physical love came later. She's the only woman I've been with and it may never happen again. But I learned that I do find women beautiful and at times even attractive.
Straight/gay/bisexual/high libido/low libido - these are social constructs and how we attempt to make sense of the crazy awesomeness of being sexual beings. Think of them as ranges on the spectrum and nothing else. These labels only scratch the surface of someone's sexuality.
posted by pintapicasso at 8:26 AM on January 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
Also - be careful of labels. Read about them, use them as tools in your self-discovery but remember that humans compartmentalize by nature and there is always someone who stands to gain from marginalizing the Other group.
posted by pintapicasso at 8:29 AM on January 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by pintapicasso at 8:29 AM on January 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
I have a good friend who is a deeply submissive personality in private and deeply confident and charismatic in public. He comes to mind because when he introduced his private personality for the first time to a romantic interest, she realised his view of his predisposition was irrational, based on a fantasy romance that could not exist outside of the confines of his own head.
Romantic and sexual orientation are not road maps, mind. But you seem to want to be the leader in your relationships in the same way you seem to try to steer this thread. Why not accept you desire control and then be active about seeking a partner who accepts your conditions for a relationship. It will not always be fun to be you, or your partner.
I get worried when I look at terms like this defined to justify what most people want: to get to know their partners deeply in not-always-sexual ways before sexual ways. It is not unusual to want to know one for more than social or prowess encounters.
Labeling yourself as demisexual just seems like justifying in advance a break up later for irreconcilable differences when things don't go as "planned".
posted by parmanparman at 8:59 AM on January 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
Romantic and sexual orientation are not road maps, mind. But you seem to want to be the leader in your relationships in the same way you seem to try to steer this thread. Why not accept you desire control and then be active about seeking a partner who accepts your conditions for a relationship. It will not always be fun to be you, or your partner.
I get worried when I look at terms like this defined to justify what most people want: to get to know their partners deeply in not-always-sexual ways before sexual ways. It is not unusual to want to know one for more than social or prowess encounters.
Labeling yourself as demisexual just seems like justifying in advance a break up later for irreconcilable differences when things don't go as "planned".
posted by parmanparman at 8:59 AM on January 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
I just think you need more mature friends. Maybe you've outgrown them emotionally.
posted by dawkins_7 at 9:09 AM on January 1, 2015
posted by dawkins_7 at 9:09 AM on January 1, 2015
Well here is the history as far as Google goes.
I don't think it describes a new idea, and I respectfully disagree with one poster above in that I think that the term arose as a response to advertising insisting that everyone needs sex all the time.
A cursory look at Google shopping shows that no major corporations have adopted demisexual as a marketing identity or brand. I would expect that this will change though as "demisexual" contains the word "sexual" - it sounds like a coffee drink - and advertising companies will see a new niche - no matter that the term is misunderstood.
So to answer your question, "Am I demisexual and is this rare?"
I think most people are demisexual. Especially the older they get and especially if they aren't drunk.
So "perhaps but it's perfectly normal", and "no".
posted by vapidave at 9:40 AM on January 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
I don't think it describes a new idea, and I respectfully disagree with one poster above in that I think that the term arose as a response to advertising insisting that everyone needs sex all the time.
A cursory look at Google shopping shows that no major corporations have adopted demisexual as a marketing identity or brand. I would expect that this will change though as "demisexual" contains the word "sexual" - it sounds like a coffee drink - and advertising companies will see a new niche - no matter that the term is misunderstood.
So to answer your question, "Am I demisexual and is this rare?"
I think most people are demisexual. Especially the older they get and especially if they aren't drunk.
So "perhaps but it's perfectly normal", and "no".
posted by vapidave at 9:40 AM on January 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
Hmm. I'd never heard the term 'demisexual' until your post. Lacking sexual attraction without an emotional bond seems pretty normal to me and is a viewpoint found equally among men and women, including among those who participate in sex-based communities (ie: BDSM, etc.). I think you sound perfectly normal, and a label isn't needed to describe the fact that good character is sexy to you -- but I understand the desire to convey (and legitimize) your viewpoint to others in these conversations you have about sexual attractiveness.
FWIW, I mostly run into the "how hot they are, would rip their clothes off, and practically drool over them" viewpoint when among single, young (>40) people who tend to be very 'me' focused in general, but particularly when it comes to sex. The emotional bond doesn't seem important for their attraction because it's probably not needed -- the 'hot' person is pretty much just an (interchangeable) masturbatory device they've built up in their fantasies.
That said, desiring an emotional bond before sexual attraction just seems to make sense to me. When you have sex with someone you're not just standing there appreciating your mutual hotness -- you're entwining bodies and you're trusting that person to treat you safely, lovingly and respectfully -- character traits that can't be measured from their (very subjective) physical attractiveness.
posted by stubbehtail at 10:38 AM on January 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
FWIW, I mostly run into the "how hot they are, would rip their clothes off, and practically drool over them" viewpoint when among single, young (>40) people who tend to be very 'me' focused in general, but particularly when it comes to sex. The emotional bond doesn't seem important for their attraction because it's probably not needed -- the 'hot' person is pretty much just an (interchangeable) masturbatory device they've built up in their fantasies.
That said, desiring an emotional bond before sexual attraction just seems to make sense to me. When you have sex with someone you're not just standing there appreciating your mutual hotness -- you're entwining bodies and you're trusting that person to treat you safely, lovingly and respectfully -- character traits that can't be measured from their (very subjective) physical attractiveness.
posted by stubbehtail at 10:38 AM on January 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
Don't needlessly pathologize your sexuality. Demisexual is something that was invented by the Tumblr/Livejournal crowd. It's not an actual thing. Date and relate in the ways that make sense to you, and don't worry so much.
posted by gsh at 10:57 AM on January 1, 2015 [21 favorites]
posted by gsh at 10:57 AM on January 1, 2015 [21 favorites]
because I can't talk about how much I want to ride some random guy just cuz he's hot.
If you literally can't make words come out of your mouth, that's a problem. If you don't want to say things like that, though, that's grown-up and respectful.
Our society is so sexualized that saying something like "I sure would fuck that hot guy" is at best a mild statement of attractiveness. If that hot guy actually walked over and said "hello, strange person I've never seen before, let us copulate immediately!" it's significantly unlikely that the speaker would actually take him up on it. The majority of people require some kind of personal connection to a person before they have sex with them, regardless of the language they use to talk about random people.
Of course there are people who don't care at all, and are fine having random sex or sex with people they've only known very briefly, and if they are healthy and safe that's fine for them and it still doesn't mean you have to be that way, but in my experience that's a fairly small part of the population, though it tends to be concentrated in subcultures. There are also people who equate sex with approval (or identity) and so will have sex with anyone offering in order to obtain validation - that's not healthy, and it doesn't actually fill the emotional need for approval.
Don't confuse words with actions. It's really gross to walk around talking about people in that way, but it's fairly popular among immature people to use objectifying language because they don't have anything more interesting to say or think about (or to be shocking).
There's nothing weird about you. It is normal for people to become more attractive to you as you get to know them better and form a bond. That's called dating, in a lot of cultures, and many people don't have sex with someone until that process has gone on for whatever amount of time they require to feel comfortable and connected enough to want to take that step.
It may be time to re-evaluate the company you keep more than your sexuality.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:43 AM on January 1, 2015 [7 favorites]
If you literally can't make words come out of your mouth, that's a problem. If you don't want to say things like that, though, that's grown-up and respectful.
Our society is so sexualized that saying something like "I sure would fuck that hot guy" is at best a mild statement of attractiveness. If that hot guy actually walked over and said "hello, strange person I've never seen before, let us copulate immediately!" it's significantly unlikely that the speaker would actually take him up on it. The majority of people require some kind of personal connection to a person before they have sex with them, regardless of the language they use to talk about random people.
Of course there are people who don't care at all, and are fine having random sex or sex with people they've only known very briefly, and if they are healthy and safe that's fine for them and it still doesn't mean you have to be that way, but in my experience that's a fairly small part of the population, though it tends to be concentrated in subcultures. There are also people who equate sex with approval (or identity) and so will have sex with anyone offering in order to obtain validation - that's not healthy, and it doesn't actually fill the emotional need for approval.
Don't confuse words with actions. It's really gross to walk around talking about people in that way, but it's fairly popular among immature people to use objectifying language because they don't have anything more interesting to say or think about (or to be shocking).
There's nothing weird about you. It is normal for people to become more attractive to you as you get to know them better and form a bond. That's called dating, in a lot of cultures, and many people don't have sex with someone until that process has gone on for whatever amount of time they require to feel comfortable and connected enough to want to take that step.
It may be time to re-evaluate the company you keep more than your sexuality.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:43 AM on January 1, 2015 [7 favorites]
I also need an emotional bond before feeling sexually attracted to someone. I've always felt like an odd duck on this issue. Avoiding labels in your case might be a good idea. I try to avoid labels for myself since it ends up boxing me in. When I'm single, I feel almost asexual, but when I'm dating, I feel more demi-sexual. I also want to leave open the possibility that I might change or feel differently in the future. Putting a label on me would make me feel like I have to operate within the parameters of that label.
posted by parakeetdog at 12:25 PM on January 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by parakeetdog at 12:25 PM on January 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Don't needlessly pathologize your sexuality. Demisexual is something that was invented by the Tumblr/Livejournal crowd. It's not an actual thing. Date and relate in the ways that make sense to you, and don't worry so much.
Hey, this is pretty rude and really dismissive of folks' identities. It's absurd to me that some people feel that they are so in tune with the entirety of human sexuality that they feel they entitled to reject identities that other people (whose experiences you know nothing about) hold.
Also, collectively developing and/or claiming a label to describe one's experience of sexuality identity is not inherently pathologizing, often it's empowering and can lead to the development of supportive communities. However, calling demisexuality "not an actual thing" or assuring the OP that they're "normal" (implying that existing on the asexual spectrum is "abnormal") actually is pathologizing.
OP, no one can tell you what you are or aren't. If demisexual feels good as a label to describe your experience, then you should free to embrace it, and also feel free to let it go if you find it no longer works for you.
posted by kylej at 12:59 PM on January 1, 2015 [12 favorites]
Hey, this is pretty rude and really dismissive of folks' identities. It's absurd to me that some people feel that they are so in tune with the entirety of human sexuality that they feel they entitled to reject identities that other people (whose experiences you know nothing about) hold.
Also, collectively developing and/or claiming a label to describe one's experience of sexuality identity is not inherently pathologizing, often it's empowering and can lead to the development of supportive communities. However, calling demisexuality "not an actual thing" or assuring the OP that they're "normal" (implying that existing on the asexual spectrum is "abnormal") actually is pathologizing.
OP, no one can tell you what you are or aren't. If demisexual feels good as a label to describe your experience, then you should free to embrace it, and also feel free to let it go if you find it no longer works for you.
posted by kylej at 12:59 PM on January 1, 2015 [12 favorites]
I'm not sure there's even such thing as a "normal" sexuality. It's too damn complicated. Even if there were and you aren't "normal," if it works for you then you don't have anything to worry about!
Being gay is "unusual" insofar as only a small percentage of people will self-identify as gay, but only homophobes say homosexuality is abnormal. Abnormality implies some sort of wrongness.
I'm some sort of asexual being or freak to other people because I can't talk about how much I want to ride some random guy just cuz he's hot.
I think some of this sort of talk is performance. It certainly is between guys. I'm a guy and I don't really enjoy engaging in it most of the time. I don't know if it's objectively a bad or good way to talk, but I've never been super comfortable with it. It's a way of bonding, I think. Like talking about sports, or some other shared interest. I'm doubtful that everyone who talks like this would actually jump the bones of everyone they talk about. It's absolutely a cultural thing: not every group of friends talk this way to each other at all.
(It's entirely possible to want to have sex with everyone but not want to talk about it, for that matter)
How much people enjoy being sexual with people they don't have feelings for varies wildly. Some might be up for having sex with literally anyone willing. Others won't enjoy kissing someone (let alone anything more!) they don't have an active crush on and know well. Or anything inbetween. This applies to friendship styles too: some people are willing to be friends at the drop of a hat, but others take a long time to make friends with others.
posted by BungaDunga at 1:51 PM on January 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Being gay is "unusual" insofar as only a small percentage of people will self-identify as gay, but only homophobes say homosexuality is abnormal. Abnormality implies some sort of wrongness.
I'm some sort of asexual being or freak to other people because I can't talk about how much I want to ride some random guy just cuz he's hot.
I think some of this sort of talk is performance. It certainly is between guys. I'm a guy and I don't really enjoy engaging in it most of the time. I don't know if it's objectively a bad or good way to talk, but I've never been super comfortable with it. It's a way of bonding, I think. Like talking about sports, or some other shared interest. I'm doubtful that everyone who talks like this would actually jump the bones of everyone they talk about. It's absolutely a cultural thing: not every group of friends talk this way to each other at all.
(It's entirely possible to want to have sex with everyone but not want to talk about it, for that matter)
How much people enjoy being sexual with people they don't have feelings for varies wildly. Some might be up for having sex with literally anyone willing. Others won't enjoy kissing someone (let alone anything more!) they don't have an active crush on and know well. Or anything inbetween. This applies to friendship styles too: some people are willing to be friends at the drop of a hat, but others take a long time to make friends with others.
posted by BungaDunga at 1:51 PM on January 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Demisexuality isn't "not a thing" -- if it's a useful way for people to describe their sexuality and find similar people, then it's a thing.
On the other hand, I am quoting this fantastic comment from Frowner because it seems really applicable:
"So for instance, people (especially women and AFAB people) need a way to express "It takes me a while to develop sexual attraction and I need some connection to the person", because we live in a society where "normal" sexuality is described as if it were "normal people are glad to have sex at the drop of a hat, and if you don't, you'd better have a good reason". Not only is this, like, literally untrue, but it obscures the many cultural factors that make lots of people unwilling to have sex at the drop of a hat - the burdens of birth control, disease prevention, slut-shaming; the lack of knowledge about what makes sex enjoyable for women; the centering of 'how you have sex' around male experience; the fact that anyone who does not enjoy heterosexual male sexual practices as they currently exist has much less access to ideas about what they might enjoy instead; etc etc. And the privileging of male desire, so that a woman who does not want to have sex when a man does has to justify her feelings. So it's very difficult to sort out "people who would develop sexual feelings slowly even if we were living in the utopian Mars Colony of 2500" from "people who develop sexual feelings slowly because they have learned to survive in this culture".
On the one hand "demisexuality" is a really useful sorting descriptor, and it's a useful bozo filter - you can tell someone that you are demisexual and then there's moral traction for saying "wait, you're pressuring me to have sex when I don't want to and you're being a jerk because you don't recognize my sexuality", and presumably, people who want to have sex immediately will be less likely to pursue you."
posted by ostro at 3:49 PM on January 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
On the other hand, I am quoting this fantastic comment from Frowner because it seems really applicable:
"So for instance, people (especially women and AFAB people) need a way to express "It takes me a while to develop sexual attraction and I need some connection to the person", because we live in a society where "normal" sexuality is described as if it were "normal people are glad to have sex at the drop of a hat, and if you don't, you'd better have a good reason". Not only is this, like, literally untrue, but it obscures the many cultural factors that make lots of people unwilling to have sex at the drop of a hat - the burdens of birth control, disease prevention, slut-shaming; the lack of knowledge about what makes sex enjoyable for women; the centering of 'how you have sex' around male experience; the fact that anyone who does not enjoy heterosexual male sexual practices as they currently exist has much less access to ideas about what they might enjoy instead; etc etc. And the privileging of male desire, so that a woman who does not want to have sex when a man does has to justify her feelings. So it's very difficult to sort out "people who would develop sexual feelings slowly even if we were living in the utopian Mars Colony of 2500" from "people who develop sexual feelings slowly because they have learned to survive in this culture".
On the one hand "demisexuality" is a really useful sorting descriptor, and it's a useful bozo filter - you can tell someone that you are demisexual and then there's moral traction for saying "wait, you're pressuring me to have sex when I don't want to and you're being a jerk because you don't recognize my sexuality", and presumably, people who want to have sex immediately will be less likely to pursue you."
posted by ostro at 3:49 PM on January 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
I find the pushback against "tumblr/livejournal" labels a little bit strange. I do not think demisexuality is unusual and I would not consider it a minority thing. However I believe it has validity as a label because much of the media pushes a heavily sexualized image of being straight/gay/bi which does not reflect people's experiences. Since the media and the performances we put on shape us heavily, it seems unusual, and I'm glad it's now being identified that is not the usual experience.
Some of these labels are coming about because people want to feel special, I'm sure, but having a greater vocabulary to talk about the wide world of sexual and gender experience seems like a good thing even so.
Don't worry about assigning a label to yourself one way or another unless you want to tell somebody about it. These labels don't have to do anything for you at all; they're to give to others so they can understand how you feel relatively quickly. They should describe your experiences and feelings, not proscribe them. If you decide another label fits you better sometime, go for it. Your internal experience isn't gonna change because you've given it a different name, and everybody else will understand a bit better.
posted by solarion at 5:20 PM on January 1, 2015
Some of these labels are coming about because people want to feel special, I'm sure, but having a greater vocabulary to talk about the wide world of sexual and gender experience seems like a good thing even so.
Don't worry about assigning a label to yourself one way or another unless you want to tell somebody about it. These labels don't have to do anything for you at all; they're to give to others so they can understand how you feel relatively quickly. They should describe your experiences and feelings, not proscribe them. If you decide another label fits you better sometime, go for it. Your internal experience isn't gonna change because you've given it a different name, and everybody else will understand a bit better.
posted by solarion at 5:20 PM on January 1, 2015
I don't think demisexual is useful as a label for some things because the "demi" part in some cases implies that "fully sexual" includes that drop-of-a-hat thing. Some people with incredibly high sex drives still don't want to engage that way with strangers. Applying "demisexual" to a very ordinary desire to only be intimate with people who have formed some connection to warrant intimacy seems to imply a very odd reading of how human sexuality works. I know some people who use it for "I'm mostly asexual but a few times in my life some particular situation has made that not apply", and that seems reasonable enough. "Demi" means "half". You are not "half-sexual" by just not being interested in casual sex. I don't think that's any more healthy an outlook than saying that someone who is okay with casual sex is "hypersexual". Desire to engage in casual sex or casual talk about sex with peers is not the same thing as sex drive.
posted by Sequence at 6:50 PM on January 1, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by Sequence at 6:50 PM on January 1, 2015 [8 favorites]
All I have to add is that not feeling normal is normal. We're social animals, and want to be included in the herd, and fear (to some degree) being excluded, so we don't want to be so abnormal that this happens.
... When the reality is that 99.9% of our behaviors and thoughts are just like the behaviors and thoughts of others around us, who also secretly worry that "not wanting to have sex with attractive strangers"/"wanting to fuck attractive strangers on sight"/"thinking about knitting while at work"/"hating chicken wings because they're greasy"/whatever makes them weird.
I fantasize constantly about others, but I assure you we're both perfectly normal.
posted by IAmBroom at 7:10 AM on January 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
... When the reality is that 99.9% of our behaviors and thoughts are just like the behaviors and thoughts of others around us, who also secretly worry that "not wanting to have sex with attractive strangers"/"wanting to fuck attractive strangers on sight"/"thinking about knitting while at work"/"hating chicken wings because they're greasy"/whatever makes them weird.
I fantasize constantly about others, but I assure you we're both perfectly normal.
posted by IAmBroom at 7:10 AM on January 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
I took the demisexual test from the link you gave in your Ask and scored 79 out of 100 and it advised me that anything over 60 makes me demisexual.
I think of this as "normal woman." I never have thought of myself as asexual and I can't imagine anyone who knows me well would see me as asexual. I did wrestle for a long time with trying to figure out what works to turn me on. I largely chalked that up to two things a) patriarchal bullshit that caters primarily to male sexual interest and b) it's difficult to capture ideas like "emotional attachment" on video or in pictures. This might be part of why women tend towards preferring romantic novels (from what I gather) over porn: Because romance novels tell the story of the emotional bond and why they are in love, which is apparently the way most women get hot. (Men are being silly to think this is less sexual than what works for them, it is just a different pathway.)
I do have a pretty good idea of what works for me these days in terms of sex/arousal. I still think I am "normal human female" though I apparently strongly correlate to this definition, fwiw, if that helps you any.
(I can't find a citation, but I have read articles that say, for example, that it takes like 2 dates for most men to feel emotionally close enough for sex and it takes more like 20 dates for most women to feel emotionally close enough for sex. So I have done some reading on the subject in order to make peace with my own sexuality and figure myself out and this sounds very, very normal for a woman to me.)
posted by Michele in California at 2:12 PM on January 2, 2015
I think of this as "normal woman." I never have thought of myself as asexual and I can't imagine anyone who knows me well would see me as asexual. I did wrestle for a long time with trying to figure out what works to turn me on. I largely chalked that up to two things a) patriarchal bullshit that caters primarily to male sexual interest and b) it's difficult to capture ideas like "emotional attachment" on video or in pictures. This might be part of why women tend towards preferring romantic novels (from what I gather) over porn: Because romance novels tell the story of the emotional bond and why they are in love, which is apparently the way most women get hot. (Men are being silly to think this is less sexual than what works for them, it is just a different pathway.)
I do have a pretty good idea of what works for me these days in terms of sex/arousal. I still think I am "normal human female" though I apparently strongly correlate to this definition, fwiw, if that helps you any.
(I can't find a citation, but I have read articles that say, for example, that it takes like 2 dates for most men to feel emotionally close enough for sex and it takes more like 20 dates for most women to feel emotionally close enough for sex. So I have done some reading on the subject in order to make peace with my own sexuality and figure myself out and this sounds very, very normal for a woman to me.)
posted by Michele in California at 2:12 PM on January 2, 2015
There is some seriously problematic stuff going on in this post, discrediting it and being ahistorical about it is really screwed up. (Calling it a PR term? That's really screwed up.)
Demisexuality was coined by members of the asexual community who are precisely describing feelings you are describing OP. Speaking as someone who does identify as demisexual, the only thing it has done is helped me find relief in discovering alternative forms of relating to others. It has relieved psychological pressure for me to conform to attractions. If it helps you out OP, then that's all good.
posted by yueliang at 1:29 AM on March 9, 2015
Demisexuality was coined by members of the asexual community who are precisely describing feelings you are describing OP. Speaking as someone who does identify as demisexual, the only thing it has done is helped me find relief in discovering alternative forms of relating to others. It has relieved psychological pressure for me to conform to attractions. If it helps you out OP, then that's all good.
posted by yueliang at 1:29 AM on March 9, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by mymbleth at 6:50 AM on January 1, 2015 [89 favorites]