Crazy roommate please help?!
December 17, 2014 3:13 PM Subscribe
My roommate is snooping and sleeping in our rooms when we're not home. I'm scared there's more to it and I need advice.
One of our roommates has been going into our bedrooms when we're not home. She has been hanging out in my roommates room when she's not there and has taken topless photos of herself in her room. She's been using her things. She's been caught several times and been told to stop doing this and a week later, been caught sleeping in her bed when she thought she was out of town.
I'm not home right now and I checked my gmail log online and my computer last synced with gmail at 5pm. Apparently she goes through peoples computers and reads all their shit when they're not around. I had a weird feeling my computer had been used a couple times when I got home but I thought I was being paranoid. Well now I've checked the activity, I know it has. I am away from the apartment for days at a time and for all I know she's been in my room on my computer, so what the hell else has she been doing? Is she sleeping in my roommates bed, why not mine too?
I feel completely violated and unsafe in the apartment. I know she's been to hospital a couple weeks ago for psychiatric reasons, and it could be nothing, but at the same time all this behavior is scaring me. What else is she doing? What is she capable of?
I don't want to be in the apartment at this point and I don't want to leave my dog there but I have no choice.
I also found out today, she hasn't been paying rent since she moved in. Her and another of my roommates is subletting and the other roommate is a leaseholder.
When the person I am leasing from moved out, this girl started going to her apartment every day uninvited and hanging around her. She had to tell her to give her space.
Please, what the hell can I do? I have 2 months left of my sublease but I don't want to be there. I assume I can't break my sublease. She's not paying rent, can we get rid of her? Isn't it almost impossible to evict people in NYC? What the hell do I do?
One of our roommates has been going into our bedrooms when we're not home. She has been hanging out in my roommates room when she's not there and has taken topless photos of herself in her room. She's been using her things. She's been caught several times and been told to stop doing this and a week later, been caught sleeping in her bed when she thought she was out of town.
I'm not home right now and I checked my gmail log online and my computer last synced with gmail at 5pm. Apparently she goes through peoples computers and reads all their shit when they're not around. I had a weird feeling my computer had been used a couple times when I got home but I thought I was being paranoid. Well now I've checked the activity, I know it has. I am away from the apartment for days at a time and for all I know she's been in my room on my computer, so what the hell else has she been doing? Is she sleeping in my roommates bed, why not mine too?
I feel completely violated and unsafe in the apartment. I know she's been to hospital a couple weeks ago for psychiatric reasons, and it could be nothing, but at the same time all this behavior is scaring me. What else is she doing? What is she capable of?
I don't want to be in the apartment at this point and I don't want to leave my dog there but I have no choice.
I also found out today, she hasn't been paying rent since she moved in. Her and another of my roommates is subletting and the other roommate is a leaseholder.
When the person I am leasing from moved out, this girl started going to her apartment every day uninvited and hanging around her. She had to tell her to give her space.
Please, what the hell can I do? I have 2 months left of my sublease but I don't want to be there. I assume I can't break my sublease. She's not paying rent, can we get rid of her? Isn't it almost impossible to evict people in NYC? What the hell do I do?
1) find a new place to live
2) put a password on you computer
3) go to the hardware store and buy a doorknob with a set of keys. They're super easy to install. Keep the old doorknob to reinstall if you want later and lock your door when you leave
4) talk to your landlord about the rent issues and privacy issues
(I lived in a house with 6 other people with lots of others coming in and out and I had expensive stuff in my room. I installed a locking doorknob on day 1.)
posted by Crystalinne at 3:17 PM on December 17, 2014 [13 favorites]
2) put a password on you computer
3) go to the hardware store and buy a doorknob with a set of keys. They're super easy to install. Keep the old doorknob to reinstall if you want later and lock your door when you leave
4) talk to your landlord about the rent issues and privacy issues
(I lived in a house with 6 other people with lots of others coming in and out and I had expensive stuff in my room. I installed a locking doorknob on day 1.)
posted by Crystalinne at 3:17 PM on December 17, 2014 [13 favorites]
Response by poster: I have 2 months left of this sublease, surely I can't just leave?
I don't have the money to pay for 2 places at once.
If I give 30 days notice, do I have to find a new roommate or does the person on the lease have to do that?
I can't lose my security deposit. I just can't afford it.
posted by shesbenevolent at 3:19 PM on December 17, 2014
I don't have the money to pay for 2 places at once.
If I give 30 days notice, do I have to find a new roommate or does the person on the lease have to do that?
I can't lose my security deposit. I just can't afford it.
posted by shesbenevolent at 3:19 PM on December 17, 2014
Well, she hasn't stopped this behavior after you and your other roommate(s) directly confronted her about it. So, it's time to take it to the next level.
The first thing I would do in your shoes would be to password-protect the hell out of my computer and phone. Password-protected login and screen saver. PIN/pattern/TouchID my phone.
The next thing I'd do is change my e-mail/Facebook/other online passwords (since it seems that GMail already stores your login credentials). Check my sent mail and FB/other online activity for suspicious stuff in case she's too dumb to cover her tracks. Check my financial accounts -- banks, credit cards, that sort of thing -- for unauthorized usage.
You have conclusive proof that your roommate has accessed your computer without permission. I'm not sure if that's technically a crime, but in any case, I'd call my local NYPD precinct and/or a lawyer to see what my options are. Be sure to mention that you no longer feel safe living in the apartment with this person, as she is using your computer/sleeping in your bed/taking pornographic selfies in your bedroom/using your things.
You're subleasing. Presumably, then, her name is on a contract to pay X portion of rent. Contact the person you're subleasing from and see how they want to handle the situation that your roommate isn't paying rent per the contract. Tell them you don't feel safe living in the apartment, for the same reasons. If they don't want to play ball, escalate to his/her/their landlord who wrote the original lease.
posted by tckma at 3:23 PM on December 17, 2014 [7 favorites]
The first thing I would do in your shoes would be to password-protect the hell out of my computer and phone. Password-protected login and screen saver. PIN/pattern/TouchID my phone.
The next thing I'd do is change my e-mail/Facebook/other online passwords (since it seems that GMail already stores your login credentials). Check my sent mail and FB/other online activity for suspicious stuff in case she's too dumb to cover her tracks. Check my financial accounts -- banks, credit cards, that sort of thing -- for unauthorized usage.
You have conclusive proof that your roommate has accessed your computer without permission. I'm not sure if that's technically a crime, but in any case, I'd call my local NYPD precinct and/or a lawyer to see what my options are. Be sure to mention that you no longer feel safe living in the apartment with this person, as she is using your computer/sleeping in your bed/taking pornographic selfies in your bedroom/using your things.
You're subleasing. Presumably, then, her name is on a contract to pay X portion of rent. Contact the person you're subleasing from and see how they want to handle the situation that your roommate isn't paying rent per the contract. Tell them you don't feel safe living in the apartment, for the same reasons. If they don't want to play ball, escalate to his/her/their landlord who wrote the original lease.
posted by tckma at 3:23 PM on December 17, 2014 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: As far as I know, she's subleasing from another ex-tenant who is out of the country.
But thank you so much for the information you've given. I really appreciate it.
This is just so scary and I feel sick to my stomach. I don't know what the hell to do about leaving my dog home. Who knows what someone is capable of if they're doing all this other shit?
posted by shesbenevolent at 3:29 PM on December 17, 2014
But thank you so much for the information you've given. I really appreciate it.
This is just so scary and I feel sick to my stomach. I don't know what the hell to do about leaving my dog home. Who knows what someone is capable of if they're doing all this other shit?
posted by shesbenevolent at 3:29 PM on December 17, 2014
Ugh, gross. I had a similar situation although it was nowhere nearly as extreme!
Your first step is to talk to a tenant's rights organization. Your second step is to do what they tell you to do, which may be "talk to your landlord" or it may be something else.
I know that you're worried about money. That makes a lot of sense. I would be worried too - I was worried when I was in your shoes!
You can't just up and walk out but you may be able to legally leave earlier than your lease end-date. Check out all of your options before putting up road blocks for yourself. You're not sure that you can leave before the sublease is over - instead of worrying about how much it's going to cost, right now you have to worry about how to make it happen logistically.
You may lose your security deposit, you may lose some money, you may have to pick up some credit card debt or another job in order to get out. But getting out is a priority. I lived with someone who was abusing me and I lost a lot of money and did take on some debt when I left. But I had to do it; there was no other option. Then I lived with someone who seriously did not understand what the world "boundary" meant and again I had to leave, and again I took on some debt to do so. I wish I had taken on more debt and left sooner. In both cases.
Money is just money. Your life and safety should not have a price tag. Certainly you can inform yourself of your options before closing doors, at any rate.
And the flip side is this: Two months is not that long. It's not a walk in the park, but if the best solution is "stay until the lease is up" then you get a great doorknob with a lock and keys, you put a password on your computer, and you spend all of your time when you are at home in your room, not interacting with her.
Sorry you're dealing with this. Having a crazy roommate is a special kind of hell.
posted by sockermom at 3:31 PM on December 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
Your first step is to talk to a tenant's rights organization. Your second step is to do what they tell you to do, which may be "talk to your landlord" or it may be something else.
I know that you're worried about money. That makes a lot of sense. I would be worried too - I was worried when I was in your shoes!
You can't just up and walk out but you may be able to legally leave earlier than your lease end-date. Check out all of your options before putting up road blocks for yourself. You're not sure that you can leave before the sublease is over - instead of worrying about how much it's going to cost, right now you have to worry about how to make it happen logistically.
You may lose your security deposit, you may lose some money, you may have to pick up some credit card debt or another job in order to get out. But getting out is a priority. I lived with someone who was abusing me and I lost a lot of money and did take on some debt when I left. But I had to do it; there was no other option. Then I lived with someone who seriously did not understand what the world "boundary" meant and again I had to leave, and again I took on some debt to do so. I wish I had taken on more debt and left sooner. In both cases.
Money is just money. Your life and safety should not have a price tag. Certainly you can inform yourself of your options before closing doors, at any rate.
And the flip side is this: Two months is not that long. It's not a walk in the park, but if the best solution is "stay until the lease is up" then you get a great doorknob with a lock and keys, you put a password on your computer, and you spend all of your time when you are at home in your room, not interacting with her.
Sorry you're dealing with this. Having a crazy roommate is a special kind of hell.
posted by sockermom at 3:31 PM on December 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
I don't know what the hell to do about leaving my dog home. Who knows what someone is capable of if they're doing all this other shit?
Do you have any evidence that she might hurt your dog? I understand it's scary but taking naked selfies and going through your stuff does not make me think "that girl would hurt a dog" - often people who do this kind of stuff are just really, really needy and really, really insecure. Can you leave your dog in your locked bedroom while you're out?
posted by sockermom at 3:33 PM on December 17, 2014 [19 favorites]
Do you have any evidence that she might hurt your dog? I understand it's scary but taking naked selfies and going through your stuff does not make me think "that girl would hurt a dog" - often people who do this kind of stuff are just really, really needy and really, really insecure. Can you leave your dog in your locked bedroom while you're out?
posted by sockermom at 3:33 PM on December 17, 2014 [19 favorites]
The easiest first step is to get a password on your computer. That is pretty basic to require a password at start-up or after you lock it. If your rooms have locks, start locking the doors when you leave. I might change your passwords in case she went into your saved passwords and saw them.
I'm not sure legally what your options are, but I was talk to the landlord and see what options he/she will give you. If you end up forfeited some money, keep in mind that money is just money, and you can't put a price on feeling safe. Start looking for new places immediately.
posted by AppleTurnover at 3:35 PM on December 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm not sure legally what your options are, but I was talk to the landlord and see what options he/she will give you. If you end up forfeited some money, keep in mind that money is just money, and you can't put a price on feeling safe. Start looking for new places immediately.
posted by AppleTurnover at 3:35 PM on December 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
I don't know what the hell to do about leaving my dog home.
Do you have a friend, family member, or neighbor who you trust enough to take care of your dog? Your dog isn't on the lease and s/he can leave whenever you deem it necessary for his/her safety, as much as that is going to suck. While it doesn't sound like she'd hurt a dog, as you say, you never know what someone is capable of. I've got three dogs and I love them all very much -- I'd be in pieces on the floor if anything bad were to happen to them.
I agree with the other commenters that you need to get out of this apartment, or at least exchange your crazy roommate for a significantly less crazy one, ASAP. But that is of course usually easier said than done. Most of the time if you break a lease it just involves payment of an amount of money that is going to hurt. If that turns out to be the case, you may need to take out a personal loan or incur more credit card debt. (MeMail me if you need to do this; I can send you a referral link to a peer-to-peer lender -- in the interest of full disclosure I get $100 off my next loan payment per successful referral.)
posted by tckma at 3:44 PM on December 17, 2014 [3 favorites]
Do you have a friend, family member, or neighbor who you trust enough to take care of your dog? Your dog isn't on the lease and s/he can leave whenever you deem it necessary for his/her safety, as much as that is going to suck. While it doesn't sound like she'd hurt a dog, as you say, you never know what someone is capable of. I've got three dogs and I love them all very much -- I'd be in pieces on the floor if anything bad were to happen to them.
I agree with the other commenters that you need to get out of this apartment, or at least exchange your crazy roommate for a significantly less crazy one, ASAP. But that is of course usually easier said than done. Most of the time if you break a lease it just involves payment of an amount of money that is going to hurt. If that turns out to be the case, you may need to take out a personal loan or incur more credit card debt. (MeMail me if you need to do this; I can send you a referral link to a peer-to-peer lender -- in the interest of full disclosure I get $100 off my next loan payment per successful referral.)
posted by tckma at 3:44 PM on December 17, 2014 [3 favorites]
Talk to the police and find out if getting a restraining order on her will force her to move out.
posted by ananci at 3:55 PM on December 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by ananci at 3:55 PM on December 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: 1. Put a lock on your bedroom doors and never ever leave them open or unlocked when you're not around.
2. Tell her to move out. You don't need to "evict" her, especially if she's not even on the lease. Just sit her down with your other roommate(s?) and inform her that she needs to move out by X date. 99.999999999% of roommates will move out when you tell them it's not working out and they need to move out. Even the crazy ones. You should start here and then if things need to escalate, OK, but there's no reason not to just kick her out. I would not start with Restraining Order, I would start with, "Katie, I'm sorry, but this isn't working out. We're going to need you to be out by February 1."
3. Do you have access to her parents'/family's contact info? I had a roommate at one point who had severe psychiatric issues going on, and ultimately we needed to have his mother come and move him out of the apartment. It really sucks to have to go behind someone's back and call their parents, but when it needs to happen, it needs to happen.
posted by Sara C. at 4:13 PM on December 17, 2014 [33 favorites]
2. Tell her to move out. You don't need to "evict" her, especially if she's not even on the lease. Just sit her down with your other roommate(s?) and inform her that she needs to move out by X date. 99.999999999% of roommates will move out when you tell them it's not working out and they need to move out. Even the crazy ones. You should start here and then if things need to escalate, OK, but there's no reason not to just kick her out. I would not start with Restraining Order, I would start with, "Katie, I'm sorry, but this isn't working out. We're going to need you to be out by February 1."
3. Do you have access to her parents'/family's contact info? I had a roommate at one point who had severe psychiatric issues going on, and ultimately we needed to have his mother come and move him out of the apartment. It really sucks to have to go behind someone's back and call their parents, but when it needs to happen, it needs to happen.
posted by Sara C. at 4:13 PM on December 17, 2014 [33 favorites]
I would agree with Sara C. here - take physical precautions, then get the other roommate and tell her she needs to move out. If she refuses, tell her you're going to look into the possibility of getting her removed by any means available.
Also agree with finding contact info for family/friends. Hmm. Basically just read Sara C.'s comment again and picture me nodding the whole time! That's the place to start.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 5:15 PM on December 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
Also agree with finding contact info for family/friends. Hmm. Basically just read Sara C.'s comment again and picture me nodding the whole time! That's the place to start.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 5:15 PM on December 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
Depending on how things are set up, your roommate who is a leaseholder may be able to kick her out legally:
nycourts.gov/courts/nyc/housing/holdover_roommate.shtml
This only works if she's not on a lease with the landlord.
I once gave a roommate Notice of Termination (see my previous Ask), and she left with no further discussion. Memail me if you'd like.
Friends who've needed a non-paying roommate gone just gave her a date she had to be out, and she did indeed leave by that date.
This sounds horrible for you, and I definitely recommend getting a locking doorknob for your room. I locked my cats in my bedroom during the month after Notice of Termination, even though my roommate wasn't nearly as crazy as yours, and I boarded them elsewhere when I needed to go out of town.
posted by mgar at 5:57 PM on December 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
nycourts.gov/courts/nyc/housing/holdover_roommate.shtml
This only works if she's not on a lease with the landlord.
I once gave a roommate Notice of Termination (see my previous Ask), and she left with no further discussion. Memail me if you'd like.
Friends who've needed a non-paying roommate gone just gave her a date she had to be out, and she did indeed leave by that date.
This sounds horrible for you, and I definitely recommend getting a locking doorknob for your room. I locked my cats in my bedroom during the month after Notice of Termination, even though my roommate wasn't nearly as crazy as yours, and I boarded them elsewhere when I needed to go out of town.
posted by mgar at 5:57 PM on December 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
Talk to the other roommate so you can understand what your options are. If you can talk to the roommate subleasing to her, so much the better. If you feel comfortable with everyone's approval, give her a 30-day notice to Quit. Get this person out of the house ASAP. If she's not paying and the roommate she's leasing from isn't paying, you ALL may get evicted. Find out how this is being handled and if the rent is paid up to date.
If the lease prohibits subleases (and there's more of a chance it does than doesn't.) You can't be held to your sublease agreement (I learned this from People's Court, so talk to someone who knows more) but an illegal contract can't be enforced. This means that you may only have to stay another 30 days, not 60, If your deposit is equal to a month of rent, just don't pay rent and let them keep your deposit.
Nthing lock your door, shut down your computer, change the passwords on everything etc. I'd take the power cord and the battery with me when I left the house. Hell, I'd take the freaking computer.
Where does your dog go when you're out of the apartment? Perhaps see if someone can foster her until you're in a more stable living arrangement.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:37 PM on December 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
If the lease prohibits subleases (and there's more of a chance it does than doesn't.) You can't be held to your sublease agreement (I learned this from People's Court, so talk to someone who knows more) but an illegal contract can't be enforced. This means that you may only have to stay another 30 days, not 60, If your deposit is equal to a month of rent, just don't pay rent and let them keep your deposit.
Nthing lock your door, shut down your computer, change the passwords on everything etc. I'd take the power cord and the battery with me when I left the house. Hell, I'd take the freaking computer.
Where does your dog go when you're out of the apartment? Perhaps see if someone can foster her until you're in a more stable living arrangement.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:37 PM on December 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
Get a lock on your door.
posted by Sebmojo at 6:46 PM on December 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Sebmojo at 6:46 PM on December 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I'm so grateful to all of you.
Hardware stores were closed when I got out of work but the dollar store was open and I got a lock and installed it. I feel a lot better already.
I looked at my sublease agreement and it basically says I'm month to month and I just have to give 30 days notice. I am then due my security deposit back within 60 days. I let the leaseholder know and gave her until the end of January as notice. That way she can find someone for the last month before the lease ends. She was really nice about it.
I'm actually saving to move out by myself. I live in NYC and I don't make a lot so I have pretty much no money as it is. My boyfriend is going to help me with the overlap between moving and finding somewhere so I'm hopefully going to be ok.
posted by shesbenevolent at 6:56 PM on December 17, 2014 [35 favorites]
Hardware stores were closed when I got out of work but the dollar store was open and I got a lock and installed it. I feel a lot better already.
I looked at my sublease agreement and it basically says I'm month to month and I just have to give 30 days notice. I am then due my security deposit back within 60 days. I let the leaseholder know and gave her until the end of January as notice. That way she can find someone for the last month before the lease ends. She was really nice about it.
I'm actually saving to move out by myself. I live in NYC and I don't make a lot so I have pretty much no money as it is. My boyfriend is going to help me with the overlap between moving and finding somewhere so I'm hopefully going to be ok.
posted by shesbenevolent at 6:56 PM on December 17, 2014 [35 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by zachlipton at 3:17 PM on December 17, 2014 [14 favorites]