Ask vs. Guess Culture Meets Gift Giving
December 1, 2014 10:51 AM Subscribe
My wife and I are blessed to have kind and generous families, for which we are deeply thankful. The "catch" is that we cannot stop them from giving us things we don't need or want (examples within). My wife and I try always to be gracious when receiving gifts, which results in even more of the things we don't need or want. Do you have recommendations for breaking this cycle?
Again, in the hope it keeps this conversation on track: my wife and I are very thankful for the generosity of our loved ones, and hope that we are always gracious when receiving their gifts.
But the result is we end up with lots of stuff we don't want (only some of which is regiftable or donatable), and the givers wasted money we'd much rather they spend on themselves (or, twist our arms, spend on something we'd actually want, but, really, that's not the motivation here at all).
A couple of examples: several years ago, we were given a tiny jar (an ounce, maybe?) of truffle infused honey. Neither my wife nor I like truffles, but we thanked the givers and have put it out at parties. It's maybe three or four years later, and it's only half used up. The following year, the givers gave us a BIG jar of truffle oil, since we liked the truffle honey so much. I guess we were too effusive in our thanks for the 1 ounce jar of honey. Then the next year, we were given TWO big jars of truffle oil, truffle salt and something else, since we thanked them so well for the first jar of truffle oil. At that point, my wife had to fess up that we were really not truffle people and their increasingly generous truffle-related gifts were not being appreciated in proportion to the generosity with which they were given.
Similarly, different relations have variously sent us hams, cheese baskets, fruits by mail, you name it. Again, we try always to be gracious when receiving these gifts, but it always means we just get more. And typically, these are things that are more expensive by mail than at Whole Foods (or whatever), and no better quality. We wish they would save that money and spend it on themselves rather than paying through the nose for 10 pounds of pears that we can't eat before they go bad (not to mention the fact that we don't generally eat pears, and pears can be had for less money down the street at the supermarket).
These gifts often come from our parents (or relations in their generation) who are retired, and who should not (all things being equal) be paying a premium to send pears to people who want little more in this world than "no pears".
We've tried different approaches from "Wow, thanks for the great pears! I don't think we can finish them all, so we'll take them to work to share. Maybe let us know next time before you send them, since we just bought a lot of apples" to "You really shouldn't have, no really, you shouldn't" to "The pears were good! Thank you! But we've got good pears here--we'd love it instead if you bought yourself something nice" to, in the rarest of circumstances "Mom, please, please, please stop sending us pears." In all cases, we get more pears, except the time I said we had just bought apples--in which case we got apples.
These examples are all food related, but this is not limited to food. Food just happens to be the most frustrating, since, in most cases, it needs to be eaten right away.
How can one, in the most loving, gentle, and gracious way possible, stop wonderful, thoughtful people from giving you more and more of stuff you don't want, when every "thank you" is interpreted as "yes, please send more of this?"
The saving grace here is that none of the givers takes this too personally (just a little personally), but the pears keep coming.
Again, in the hope it keeps this conversation on track: my wife and I are very thankful for the generosity of our loved ones, and hope that we are always gracious when receiving their gifts.
But the result is we end up with lots of stuff we don't want (only some of which is regiftable or donatable), and the givers wasted money we'd much rather they spend on themselves (or, twist our arms, spend on something we'd actually want, but, really, that's not the motivation here at all).
A couple of examples: several years ago, we were given a tiny jar (an ounce, maybe?) of truffle infused honey. Neither my wife nor I like truffles, but we thanked the givers and have put it out at parties. It's maybe three or four years later, and it's only half used up. The following year, the givers gave us a BIG jar of truffle oil, since we liked the truffle honey so much. I guess we were too effusive in our thanks for the 1 ounce jar of honey. Then the next year, we were given TWO big jars of truffle oil, truffle salt and something else, since we thanked them so well for the first jar of truffle oil. At that point, my wife had to fess up that we were really not truffle people and their increasingly generous truffle-related gifts were not being appreciated in proportion to the generosity with which they were given.
Similarly, different relations have variously sent us hams, cheese baskets, fruits by mail, you name it. Again, we try always to be gracious when receiving these gifts, but it always means we just get more. And typically, these are things that are more expensive by mail than at Whole Foods (or whatever), and no better quality. We wish they would save that money and spend it on themselves rather than paying through the nose for 10 pounds of pears that we can't eat before they go bad (not to mention the fact that we don't generally eat pears, and pears can be had for less money down the street at the supermarket).
These gifts often come from our parents (or relations in their generation) who are retired, and who should not (all things being equal) be paying a premium to send pears to people who want little more in this world than "no pears".
We've tried different approaches from "Wow, thanks for the great pears! I don't think we can finish them all, so we'll take them to work to share. Maybe let us know next time before you send them, since we just bought a lot of apples" to "You really shouldn't have, no really, you shouldn't" to "The pears were good! Thank you! But we've got good pears here--we'd love it instead if you bought yourself something nice" to, in the rarest of circumstances "Mom, please, please, please stop sending us pears." In all cases, we get more pears, except the time I said we had just bought apples--in which case we got apples.
These examples are all food related, but this is not limited to food. Food just happens to be the most frustrating, since, in most cases, it needs to be eaten right away.
How can one, in the most loving, gentle, and gracious way possible, stop wonderful, thoughtful people from giving you more and more of stuff you don't want, when every "thank you" is interpreted as "yes, please send more of this?"
The saving grace here is that none of the givers takes this too personally (just a little personally), but the pears keep coming.
What worked for my family was telling them that we realize how much we have, and we're so fortunate, but our thoughts have turned to those who have very little and that our *most* favorite recent gifts have been donations to the giver's local food bank. It's hard for people to get insulted by the suggestion that a donation be made rather than receiving more stuff. Physical gift are now just for kids in the family as well as one symbolic gift to our SO.
posted by quince at 11:02 AM on December 1, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by quince at 11:02 AM on December 1, 2014 [3 favorites]
This situation has come up in my group of friends before, and it depends on what your relationship with the person is, but we are always just honest immediately upon receiving the unwanted gift. One time me and another friend got a birthday cake for a third friend, and it turned out to be a kind of cake she hates. She was very gracious about it and said something like "This is very thoughtful, thank you so much for getting me a cake, but just so you know for the future, I'm not a big fan of this flavor." Alternatively, something like "This is great, but unfortunately I already have one, but that's ok because I can donate it/give it another friend who I know loves X thing. Thank you so much for thinking of me, I really do appreciate it!"
Being honest early on, while difficult, is less awkward than waiting a long time and I think is less likely to result in hurt feelings.
posted by Librarypt at 11:02 AM on December 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
Being honest early on, while difficult, is less awkward than waiting a long time and I think is less likely to result in hurt feelings.
posted by Librarypt at 11:02 AM on December 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
My mother grew up in Germany during WWII. My father grew up in the U.S. during The Great Depression. One of the cornerstones of their marriage was that they both liked to eat well and to feed people.
Based on my experiences with them, you may need to educate people of that generation that, no, really, you aren't going to starve to death if they don't send food. Given that all of your examples are food related, I am guessing that is one factor here: They grew up in a time of food scarcity and they just can't wrap their brain around the idea that this is just not an issue for you/some people. It doesn't quite sink in for them.
Another thing you might try: Make a wish list. Tell people what sorts of things you would like to receive so they don't do more of whatever got them warm fuzzy thanks the last time. On preview, yes, suggesting a donation in your name might be a good idea here. I think this is increasingly a problem in the developed world because our gift giving traditions tend to grow out of a past where material scarcity was very real and now we have the opposite situation for some segment of the world.
posted by Michele in California at 11:06 AM on December 1, 2014 [6 favorites]
Based on my experiences with them, you may need to educate people of that generation that, no, really, you aren't going to starve to death if they don't send food. Given that all of your examples are food related, I am guessing that is one factor here: They grew up in a time of food scarcity and they just can't wrap their brain around the idea that this is just not an issue for you/some people. It doesn't quite sink in for them.
Another thing you might try: Make a wish list. Tell people what sorts of things you would like to receive so they don't do more of whatever got them warm fuzzy thanks the last time. On preview, yes, suggesting a donation in your name might be a good idea here. I think this is increasingly a problem in the developed world because our gift giving traditions tend to grow out of a past where material scarcity was very real and now we have the opposite situation for some segment of the world.
posted by Michele in California at 11:06 AM on December 1, 2014 [6 favorites]
They seem to remember things that you mention, then buy you those things, without really listening to how you're mentioning them. (Apples, more truffles.) Maybe if you mentioned stuff you actually wanted, that would stick in their minds instead?
With the items that are regiftable/donatable/appropriate to take to your office or other gatherings, I would say "I took the cheese plate to work, everyone loved it" or "The people at the homeless shelter were glad to get that crate of oranges." Like, be appreciative but make it less about the "Gee, thanks!!" aspect and more about the emphasis that they are effectively buying gifts for strangers. Maybe that will sink in. (Actually I would say "STOP BUYING ME FOOD I DON'T WANT IT," but that's just me.)
posted by DestinationUnknown at 11:07 AM on December 1, 2014 [9 favorites]
With the items that are regiftable/donatable/appropriate to take to your office or other gatherings, I would say "I took the cheese plate to work, everyone loved it" or "The people at the homeless shelter were glad to get that crate of oranges." Like, be appreciative but make it less about the "Gee, thanks!!" aspect and more about the emphasis that they are effectively buying gifts for strangers. Maybe that will sink in. (Actually I would say "STOP BUYING ME FOOD I DON'T WANT IT," but that's just me.)
posted by DestinationUnknown at 11:07 AM on December 1, 2014 [9 favorites]
Do you give them any ideas for stuff you do like? I am assuming no matter what you say they are going to buy you something, the fact they latched onto the fact they thought you liked truffles so hard makes me think they are stuck for ideas. Assuming from your title you are not the sort of people to exchange wants lists like my family, you are going to have to go the hinting route. In early November is a good time to start hinting.
People want to buy you stuff you'll like, maybe you can just out right tell them some things you would like, even if not exact things you can point them in the right direction. It would make it less stressful for them, wondering & hunting for the perfect present, then wondering if they got it right, and you guys don't have to find homes for pears.
My mother is good at this, she'll go I would love a fancy face cream. Nothing to strongly scented. or I need a new scarf. General enough we still get the fun of picking, but focused enough I have some idea what the heck she wants.
posted by wwax at 11:08 AM on December 1, 2014 [8 favorites]
People want to buy you stuff you'll like, maybe you can just out right tell them some things you would like, even if not exact things you can point them in the right direction. It would make it less stressful for them, wondering & hunting for the perfect present, then wondering if they got it right, and you guys don't have to find homes for pears.
My mother is good at this, she'll go I would love a fancy face cream. Nothing to strongly scented. or I need a new scarf. General enough we still get the fun of picking, but focused enough I have some idea what the heck she wants.
posted by wwax at 11:08 AM on December 1, 2014 [8 favorites]
I've been trying for years to convince my parents that I neither want nor need gifts. Especially physical gifts. I have a ton of crap (which I know personally since I moved most of it by hand a month ago), and I'm really trying to declutter my life. I don't want to die under a pile of newspapers and books, you know?
But try as I might, I can't quite do it. I've managed to ask for experiences, more than physical objects. For instance, a bunch of family members pitched in and got me a coupon for glassblowing lessons, something that I had wanted to do most of my life (and I have, and it's great!). Perhaps payment towards travel? Or a class you want to take? Maybe a gift certificate to a restaurant, or a couple's retreat?
But using the truffles as an example, you have what I call the Pig Kitsch Problem. One day, a neighbor got a pig magnet. Maybe it was a gift, maybe it was something she bought, maybe it was an advertisement for a local ribs joint. Someone saw that magnet on her fridge and thought "Hmm, she must like pigs!" So they get her a pig teapot or something, and now she has two pig things, and other people notice these and get her more pig things. And before you know it, it's known that she likes pig things, and she can't escape it.
For me, it was Einstein stuff and pajama pants. Every year for Hanukah, my parents would get me a new print of a picture of Einstein paired with a quote, from their guy at the craft fair circuit. Nicely framed, but all rather samey. I have half a dozen of these, and then they started getting me the same one (by accident). I had to pull my dad aside and tell him, look I appreciate these, I do, but I have no need or desire for them. I am not hanging them on my walls, and giving me more just gives me more things to collect dust. I told my father because he was less likely to take it poorly, and could either express to my mother my feelings, or to steer her away from buying it next time around. Similarly, they'd get me pajama pants every year, for which I had no need. Because I had the pants from previous years. I mean, how often does one go through a pair of pajama pants? What do they think I'm doing with them?! In this case, it was much less sensitive, and I said straight up, thanks but no thanks.
Honesty is just the best policy here. If you can't redirect to a more useful gift, then try something like "oh we never actually used all of X." You really have to be proactive.
posted by X-Himy at 11:25 AM on December 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
But try as I might, I can't quite do it. I've managed to ask for experiences, more than physical objects. For instance, a bunch of family members pitched in and got me a coupon for glassblowing lessons, something that I had wanted to do most of my life (and I have, and it's great!). Perhaps payment towards travel? Or a class you want to take? Maybe a gift certificate to a restaurant, or a couple's retreat?
But using the truffles as an example, you have what I call the Pig Kitsch Problem. One day, a neighbor got a pig magnet. Maybe it was a gift, maybe it was something she bought, maybe it was an advertisement for a local ribs joint. Someone saw that magnet on her fridge and thought "Hmm, she must like pigs!" So they get her a pig teapot or something, and now she has two pig things, and other people notice these and get her more pig things. And before you know it, it's known that she likes pig things, and she can't escape it.
For me, it was Einstein stuff and pajama pants. Every year for Hanukah, my parents would get me a new print of a picture of Einstein paired with a quote, from their guy at the craft fair circuit. Nicely framed, but all rather samey. I have half a dozen of these, and then they started getting me the same one (by accident). I had to pull my dad aside and tell him, look I appreciate these, I do, but I have no need or desire for them. I am not hanging them on my walls, and giving me more just gives me more things to collect dust. I told my father because he was less likely to take it poorly, and could either express to my mother my feelings, or to steer her away from buying it next time around. Similarly, they'd get me pajama pants every year, for which I had no need. Because I had the pants from previous years. I mean, how often does one go through a pair of pajama pants? What do they think I'm doing with them?! In this case, it was much less sensitive, and I said straight up, thanks but no thanks.
Honesty is just the best policy here. If you can't redirect to a more useful gift, then try something like "oh we never actually used all of X." You really have to be proactive.
posted by X-Himy at 11:25 AM on December 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
I was going through similar nonsense with my MIL. She had NO idea what kinds of things to get me (or Husbunny) and so at holidays we'd get all kinds of crap. Then I'd spend the day after Christmas returning what I could and donating what I couldn't return.
This year we told her, "Enough! We love you and the holidays are just getting out of hand. Please, let's limit ourselves to $20 apiece. You know we buy whatever we like, whenever we want it."
Just to be on the safe side, I send Husbunny a "letter to Santa" with lists of things in that price range that I'd like, complete with internet links, which he shares with his mother. OMG, what a lot of hassle it all is!
As for the truffle folks, tell them, as an aside the very next time you see them, "We have so much truffle stuff, and the sad fact is as much as we appreciate it, it turns out neither one of us is particularly into truffles." Or better yet, make up a fancy food basket and put the truffle stuff it as a present back to them.
I'm with you buddy, the waste of it all is really a shame.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:29 AM on December 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
This year we told her, "Enough! We love you and the holidays are just getting out of hand. Please, let's limit ourselves to $20 apiece. You know we buy whatever we like, whenever we want it."
Just to be on the safe side, I send Husbunny a "letter to Santa" with lists of things in that price range that I'd like, complete with internet links, which he shares with his mother. OMG, what a lot of hassle it all is!
As for the truffle folks, tell them, as an aside the very next time you see them, "We have so much truffle stuff, and the sad fact is as much as we appreciate it, it turns out neither one of us is particularly into truffles." Or better yet, make up a fancy food basket and put the truffle stuff it as a present back to them.
I'm with you buddy, the waste of it all is really a shame.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:29 AM on December 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
I have a possible insight into why there's so much food coming your way - food is often thought of as a "safe" gift for people because "oh, if I buy them something that is inedible it could potentially just sit around the house taking up space, whereas if I buy them food then it's something that they eat and then it's gone and they don't have to worry about storage space for it". I think it's why a lot of people fall back on food, because they don't know what else to do and fall back on "well, this way they won't have to store it".
I think the whole "give them an alternative" idea may be your best bet after all - you know, talk up some food item you DO like a lot in the days leading up to Christmas instead.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:41 AM on December 1, 2014 [13 favorites]
I think the whole "give them an alternative" idea may be your best bet after all - you know, talk up some food item you DO like a lot in the days leading up to Christmas instead.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:41 AM on December 1, 2014 [13 favorites]
I've been on perhaps the other side of this. My brother, for years, refused to tell anyone what he would like for gift giving occasions. So for years I sent him ridiculous gifts in an effort to get him to tell me, only he never would. I sent him Chia heads, whoopie cushions, inflatable clowns, etc. He would laugh and say, "No really, you shouldn't have!" but every year he wouldn't tell me what he wanted.
It seems you are receiving lovely gifts...just not what you would want. It might be time to, if you don't have one already, create a sort of traditional "Christmas is coming, should we exchange wish lists?" Or, like others have said, mention what you'd like - "Gosh, with Christmas coming I really hope I get a nice [pair of fuzzy socks/slippers/mittens] or maybe some [scented candles? stationary?]!"
I know wish lists tend to take some of the magic out of it. You can also try engaging your spouse, and asking her to step in for you - "Hi relative, listen, husband really would like a nice calendar this year for Christmas, but I've already gotten my gifts for him."
Bunny has it with the "Letter to Santa" thing. It really helps to make a list an OK thing to do. Just don't do like my sister does, where she only puts 2 things on it and then gets really mad if that's all she gets.
posted by routergirl at 11:44 AM on December 1, 2014 [6 favorites]
It seems you are receiving lovely gifts...just not what you would want. It might be time to, if you don't have one already, create a sort of traditional "Christmas is coming, should we exchange wish lists?" Or, like others have said, mention what you'd like - "Gosh, with Christmas coming I really hope I get a nice [pair of fuzzy socks/slippers/mittens] or maybe some [scented candles? stationary?]!"
I know wish lists tend to take some of the magic out of it. You can also try engaging your spouse, and asking her to step in for you - "Hi relative, listen, husband really would like a nice calendar this year for Christmas, but I've already gotten my gifts for him."
Bunny has it with the "Letter to Santa" thing. It really helps to make a list an OK thing to do. Just don't do like my sister does, where she only puts 2 things on it and then gets really mad if that's all she gets.
posted by routergirl at 11:44 AM on December 1, 2014 [6 favorites]
I used to to struggle with getting my cousin and his wife gifts every year. Then one year we were talking about gifts and he said "You know, you've gotten us some pretty bad gifts over the years." I said "I struggle every year to come up with gifts for you two. How about we never exchange gifts again?" That was 10 years ago and the three of us have never been happier.
I'm not suggesting you tell your family their gifts are bad, but at least tell them you don't want any gifts.
posted by Rob Rockets at 11:47 AM on December 1, 2014 [6 favorites]
I'm not suggesting you tell your family their gifts are bad, but at least tell them you don't want any gifts.
posted by Rob Rockets at 11:47 AM on December 1, 2014 [6 favorites]
Yes to the "tell them what you DO want" scheme. They seem food-fixated--is that just with you two or does everyone get food?
Come up with something in a price range you feel comfortable with them spending, and that you can actually use. Or several things, if you are dealing with several people. Share this list with someone they are likely to ask about gifts for you...even if that someone is also likely to get you something. Like this; "Mom, if anyone else in the family asks, we could really use a new flingelhoffer and some spatzwangers." That way you aren't telling Mom directly what to buy for you, but obviously, now she knows what you want as well as being able to tell Aunt Zizi and Uncle Bob what to get you.
Now honestly; researching appropriate gifts for oneself and then coming up with underhanded ways to advertise for them is a giant pain in the butt. You'd rather just not do gifts. But the idea of coming to see you empty-handed makes your family feel nervous and selfish; it's just not done. Also, what if Aunt Zizi doesn't bring a gift but Mom did? Then Zizi feels like a cheapskate. Easier to buy another jar of truffle oil.
Weird as it is, your gift to your family may be helping them buy you a gift. It makes them feel good and like they are doing Christmas correctly and showing their love. Maybe you can change things after they pass on, but in the meantime, go ahead and make them happy.
posted by emjaybee at 11:49 AM on December 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
Come up with something in a price range you feel comfortable with them spending, and that you can actually use. Or several things, if you are dealing with several people. Share this list with someone they are likely to ask about gifts for you...even if that someone is also likely to get you something. Like this; "Mom, if anyone else in the family asks, we could really use a new flingelhoffer and some spatzwangers." That way you aren't telling Mom directly what to buy for you, but obviously, now she knows what you want as well as being able to tell Aunt Zizi and Uncle Bob what to get you.
Now honestly; researching appropriate gifts for oneself and then coming up with underhanded ways to advertise for them is a giant pain in the butt. You'd rather just not do gifts. But the idea of coming to see you empty-handed makes your family feel nervous and selfish; it's just not done. Also, what if Aunt Zizi doesn't bring a gift but Mom did? Then Zizi feels like a cheapskate. Easier to buy another jar of truffle oil.
Weird as it is, your gift to your family may be helping them buy you a gift. It makes them feel good and like they are doing Christmas correctly and showing their love. Maybe you can change things after they pass on, but in the meantime, go ahead and make them happy.
posted by emjaybee at 11:49 AM on December 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
I make nice little noises about this stuff that I think people can understand and interpret. "Oh gosh, that's very thoughtful, and also, well, you see..." GUESS WHAT, no one can hear that or care.
Recently I was thinking about this when I heard a friend on the phone with his mother. The conversation went like "What the fuck are you doing wasting money that you need on this fucking stupid garbage? Don't fucking ever send me a gift again, get a fucking grip. Okay love you bye."
Only one of us gets results.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 11:58 AM on December 1, 2014 [3 favorites]
Recently I was thinking about this when I heard a friend on the phone with his mother. The conversation went like "What the fuck are you doing wasting money that you need on this fucking stupid garbage? Don't fucking ever send me a gift again, get a fucking grip. Okay love you bye."
Only one of us gets results.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 11:58 AM on December 1, 2014 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Lots of great stuff here--but I neglected to specify in the original question, this is a year-round thing. There is no knowing when the pears will come. This greatly complicates the conundrum for me, because, as you say, if I knew pears were coming, I'd ask for the salami gift box or the popcorn tin. Or just tell them to give to Heifer International. But we show up at home on a random day, and there's a box of pears waiting for us.
We have already told them not to get us any Christmas gifts this year (we'll see how that goes!). Christmas is, ironically, the least of our problems, since they do typically ask what we'd like (which is usually nothing, or we can just give up a token answer that's not expensive and probably useful).
Another tension here is that when the pears arrive, we feel obligated to at least try to eat them, since they were a gift. Then, three days later when we haven't made a dent in the 10 pound shipment, it's getting late to take the pears to work, since they're starting to get a little gross. Taking them to work straight away preserves some value (since someone will enjoy the pears), but makes us feel guilty (because the pears were for us).
Again, the pears are just one example--it's been corkscrews, door mats, novelty hats. Food is just especially guilt inducing since it rots in front of your eyes.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 12:11 PM on December 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
We have already told them not to get us any Christmas gifts this year (we'll see how that goes!). Christmas is, ironically, the least of our problems, since they do typically ask what we'd like (which is usually nothing, or we can just give up a token answer that's not expensive and probably useful).
Another tension here is that when the pears arrive, we feel obligated to at least try to eat them, since they were a gift. Then, three days later when we haven't made a dent in the 10 pound shipment, it's getting late to take the pears to work, since they're starting to get a little gross. Taking them to work straight away preserves some value (since someone will enjoy the pears), but makes us feel guilty (because the pears were for us).
Again, the pears are just one example--it's been corkscrews, door mats, novelty hats. Food is just especially guilt inducing since it rots in front of your eyes.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 12:11 PM on December 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
My Aunt just told me about a family policy: Some you want, something you need, something you wear, something to read. Not saying this gift giving guide would help in your situation, but maybe if you instituted a policy that people thought of as fun or a game it would lead to better gifts. (Something that flower, something that can be shared...etc.)
posted by CMcG at 12:17 PM on December 1, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by CMcG at 12:17 PM on December 1, 2014 [3 favorites]
Taking them to work straight away preserves some value (since someone will enjoy the pears), but makes us feel guilty (because the pears were for us).
It is a gift. They are yours to do with as you please. If you can't stop them coming, at least pounce on the opportunity to immediately enrich the local food closet or homeless shelter or what have you. Keep one or two especially lovely pears so you can sample them.
And stop feeling guilty.
Then, if it comes up, you can diplomatically and honestly say "We kept a couple for ourselves, which were delicious, and we really enjoyed the delight on the faces of the folks at the homeless shelter where we dropped off the other 9.5 pounds."
RE: Other things like door mats and novelty hats:
Because of my medical condition, I plan to live fairly spartanly for the rest of my life. It is utterly unacceptable for me to let random stuff accumulate. Any home I have needs to be cleaner than a hospital in terms of dust and germs or I will be chronically ill. I have really, really struggled with getting relatives of my own to understand this. It's been a pretty hard sell. But it does seem to be slowly sinking in and is becoming less of a problem.
So, perhaps if you did a major spring cleaning, donated a bunch of stuff to charity, had a grand yard sale, or what not, and put out the word that you are doing a "material fast" and are trying to walk away from the material gluttony so common in North America, you might be able to politely signal to some folks that being inundated with stuff constantly is just not your thing.
Having said that, because, for me, this is a life-threatening medical issue, when push has come to shove, I have, as diplomatically as possible, been firmer than I would have liked about how this is actually a problem for me and really needs to stop. And I accepted that some folks would be offended and that perhaps them being mad at me for a time would be a good thing in that it might make them want to give me less stuff for a time.
If this is really stressing you out and eating up a lot of time and energy, you may eventually need to accept that the cost of potentially offending a few people is one that must be borne if you don't want your time and energy (and the rest of your life) frittered away trying to dispose of things you do not want and cannot use.
posted by Michele in California at 12:28 PM on December 1, 2014 [3 favorites]
It is a gift. They are yours to do with as you please. If you can't stop them coming, at least pounce on the opportunity to immediately enrich the local food closet or homeless shelter or what have you. Keep one or two especially lovely pears so you can sample them.
And stop feeling guilty.
Then, if it comes up, you can diplomatically and honestly say "We kept a couple for ourselves, which were delicious, and we really enjoyed the delight on the faces of the folks at the homeless shelter where we dropped off the other 9.5 pounds."
RE: Other things like door mats and novelty hats:
Because of my medical condition, I plan to live fairly spartanly for the rest of my life. It is utterly unacceptable for me to let random stuff accumulate. Any home I have needs to be cleaner than a hospital in terms of dust and germs or I will be chronically ill. I have really, really struggled with getting relatives of my own to understand this. It's been a pretty hard sell. But it does seem to be slowly sinking in and is becoming less of a problem.
So, perhaps if you did a major spring cleaning, donated a bunch of stuff to charity, had a grand yard sale, or what not, and put out the word that you are doing a "material fast" and are trying to walk away from the material gluttony so common in North America, you might be able to politely signal to some folks that being inundated with stuff constantly is just not your thing.
Having said that, because, for me, this is a life-threatening medical issue, when push has come to shove, I have, as diplomatically as possible, been firmer than I would have liked about how this is actually a problem for me and really needs to stop. And I accepted that some folks would be offended and that perhaps them being mad at me for a time would be a good thing in that it might make them want to give me less stuff for a time.
If this is really stressing you out and eating up a lot of time and energy, you may eventually need to accept that the cost of potentially offending a few people is one that must be borne if you don't want your time and energy (and the rest of your life) frittered away trying to dispose of things you do not want and cannot use.
posted by Michele in California at 12:28 PM on December 1, 2014 [3 favorites]
Tell them you love fresh flowers and mention a florist/plant delivery place you particularly like. They get to give you a gift that you can easily re-gift or use up quickly.
posted by viggorlijah at 12:33 PM on December 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by viggorlijah at 12:33 PM on December 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
I will add that my suggestion of a wish list was not a Christmas wish list. I have never used it, but apparently Amazon and some other online vendors have wish list options. If folks are going to be generous, let them know what things you would like to have in your life. If they are Internet-savvy, use whatever wish list options your favorite vendors are offering. If not, come up with a big project, like remodeling a room in your house, make a list of everything you would like it to have in your wildest dreams and let these generous people help make it happen.
Or accept that, at some point, you just have got to be pushier than you are comfortable with. I hate being pushy, but sometimes it just has to be done.
posted by Michele in California at 12:34 PM on December 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
Or accept that, at some point, you just have got to be pushier than you are comfortable with. I hate being pushy, but sometimes it just has to be done.
posted by Michele in California at 12:34 PM on December 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
My wife's family is very much like this. There's so much junk that she has received over the years, but what has made it more difficult for her is that a lot requests for specific things also go ignored. So there's this weird thing going on where not only is she getting junk, but she's not getting really what she asked for, either. One way that we've resolved this in our house is that she is just really clear about what she would like, almost to the point where she's placing the order herself for me to unbox and rewrap when it gets here. This goes totally against how I was raised, namely you received what you got with a lot of gratitude, and to second-guess the gift is pretty rude. So you can imagine that we had some stuff to work out when we got married. But at the end of the day, gift receiving is important to my wife, while also being known that she was heard to the point that people cared enough to act on that information. I took that to heart, and what I've come to discover is that there's something of a meeting-in-the-middle where you listen carefully, yet you also have an expectation to be received graciously as the giver.
This is a little bit different than your scenario, so what does that have to do with your situation? Our take-away over the years is that if you don't already have a scenario where there's a mutual conversation going on about what is wanted and how that ties into expectations already built into the family culture, it's hard to buck against it. My wife and I were able to work it out because we live in the same home, while we live with the understanding that we'll never change her mom's lack of attentiveness, for example. Attitudes about gift giving are deeply ingrained at times, and sometimes changing those patterns isn't even on the table. I like the idea of being able to give hints or redirect a bit, but the fact of the matter is that there are loads of people for whom gift giving does not work like that, and for those people we've learned to unappologetically just get rid of stuff we don't need, without feeling like we need to change the giver.
Note too that this isn't always a question of gift-giving culture. Because of what the holiday has become, there's a ton of obligation built into the tradition as well, and people literally are not thinking about what you might like. Some people just don't enjoy buying gifts and figuring this stuff out, so they buy anything that seems reasonable like the night before. And for those people, again, we just figure out a way to recycle without feeling bad about it.
posted by SpacemanStix at 12:40 PM on December 1, 2014
This is a little bit different than your scenario, so what does that have to do with your situation? Our take-away over the years is that if you don't already have a scenario where there's a mutual conversation going on about what is wanted and how that ties into expectations already built into the family culture, it's hard to buck against it. My wife and I were able to work it out because we live in the same home, while we live with the understanding that we'll never change her mom's lack of attentiveness, for example. Attitudes about gift giving are deeply ingrained at times, and sometimes changing those patterns isn't even on the table. I like the idea of being able to give hints or redirect a bit, but the fact of the matter is that there are loads of people for whom gift giving does not work like that, and for those people we've learned to unappologetically just get rid of stuff we don't need, without feeling like we need to change the giver.
Note too that this isn't always a question of gift-giving culture. Because of what the holiday has become, there's a ton of obligation built into the tradition as well, and people literally are not thinking about what you might like. Some people just don't enjoy buying gifts and figuring this stuff out, so they buy anything that seems reasonable like the night before. And for those people, again, we just figure out a way to recycle without feeling bad about it.
posted by SpacemanStix at 12:40 PM on December 1, 2014
I totally recognize that there are different approaches to take here (also I think the idea of suggesting flowers rather than fruit is an excellent one), and that the idea of wasting food or other gifts is mentally uncomfortable for many.
That said, I tend to side with the Miss Manners approach to this, which prioritizes three main points:
1) Focus on the act of giving, rather than the gift itself. It's the thought that counts.
2) Respect the giver's ability to judge whether the expense/amount of gifts is acceptable.
3) All gifts obligate an acknowlegement of some kind, but nothing further. Unwanted gifts should be quietly disposed of or donated to spare the giver's feelings.
posted by Wretch729 at 12:47 PM on December 1, 2014 [5 favorites]
That said, I tend to side with the Miss Manners approach to this, which prioritizes three main points:
1) Focus on the act of giving, rather than the gift itself. It's the thought that counts.
2) Respect the giver's ability to judge whether the expense/amount of gifts is acceptable.
3) All gifts obligate an acknowlegement of some kind, but nothing further. Unwanted gifts should be quietly disposed of or donated to spare the giver's feelings.
posted by Wretch729 at 12:47 PM on December 1, 2014 [5 favorites]
I live overseas and my mother is constantly spending money to mail me old magazines. I have zero interest in reading a bunch of out of date news magazines and I've tried a few times to politely tell her not to waste her money sending them. But the magazines keep on coming. I eventually let it go- she likes sending me magazines, and it's not worth me going all over the top NO MORE MAGAZINES EVER! ! on her. so I just recycle them. You're not going to change your family of their gift giving habits- just take the stuff into work or donate it, and stop feeling guilty.
posted by emd3737 at 1:06 PM on December 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by emd3737 at 1:06 PM on December 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
Taking them to work straight away preserves some value (since someone will enjoy the pears), but makes us feel guilty (because the pears were for us).
Take them right away to a food bank/pantry, and immediately, like within moments of walking out the door of the food pantry, let your relatives know how good it felt to be able to share some of your excess with those less fortunate than yourselves. This is the perfect time of year to start doing this 100% guilt-free, and it can become a "habit" that you keep all year long. Eventually they will catch on.
posted by poffin boffin at 1:07 PM on December 1, 2014 [11 favorites]
Take them right away to a food bank/pantry, and immediately, like within moments of walking out the door of the food pantry, let your relatives know how good it felt to be able to share some of your excess with those less fortunate than yourselves. This is the perfect time of year to start doing this 100% guilt-free, and it can become a "habit" that you keep all year long. Eventually they will catch on.
posted by poffin boffin at 1:07 PM on December 1, 2014 [11 favorites]
I think the easiest solution is just to get over your guilt and get rid of the stuff as soon as it hits your doorstep. You don't want it; why play this awful game where you pretend to?
My husband's family really likes gifts. They like to give each other tons and tons and tons of things. Especially around Christmas. We live in a tiny apartment, and I don't actually like 90% of the stuff they give. But they're really nice people, and they really enjoy giving. So I take it, I say thank you, I send a nice thank you note, and the stuff immediately gets recycled/tossed/donated/fed to coworkers. I'm also a big believer in regifting when appropriate. Yeah, it's wasteful, but there's really no polite way to make them stop, and I'd rather have the warm and unruffled relationship than be virtuous here. Just let it go, mentally and physically.
posted by bowtiesarecool at 1:23 PM on December 1, 2014 [6 favorites]
My husband's family really likes gifts. They like to give each other tons and tons and tons of things. Especially around Christmas. We live in a tiny apartment, and I don't actually like 90% of the stuff they give. But they're really nice people, and they really enjoy giving. So I take it, I say thank you, I send a nice thank you note, and the stuff immediately gets recycled/tossed/donated/fed to coworkers. I'm also a big believer in regifting when appropriate. Yeah, it's wasteful, but there's really no polite way to make them stop, and I'd rather have the warm and unruffled relationship than be virtuous here. Just let it go, mentally and physically.
posted by bowtiesarecool at 1:23 PM on December 1, 2014 [6 favorites]
But the result is we end up with lots of stuff we don't want (only some of which is regiftable or donatable), and the givers wasted money we'd much rather they spend on themselves (or, twist our arms, spend on something we'd actually want, but, really, that's not the motivation here at all).
Just accept it and regift it if you don't want it. They don't have to give you anything, and it's not particularly gracious of the giftee to judge ppl on how they choose to spend money on you. It's not your money. It's their money.
posted by discopolo at 1:27 PM on December 1, 2014
Just accept it and regift it if you don't want it. They don't have to give you anything, and it's not particularly gracious of the giftee to judge ppl on how they choose to spend money on you. It's not your money. It's their money.
posted by discopolo at 1:27 PM on December 1, 2014
"Don't buy me anything" is never going to work on family members who want to buy you things. My whole family says that, and means it, and yet the unwanted gifting continues unabated. Humperdincks also try never to show excitement about any purchasable object. When window shopping together or seeing something in an advertisement, sentences are begun with "I wouldn't want it as a gift, but I like..." and positive affect is kept to a minimum.
And yet. And yet. Every now and then a Humperdinck will slip and accidentally give you a clue to something they will love and cherish and would never ever buy for themselves, in which case you can get them an awesome gift they will genuinely squee over, but mostly everyone gets the same old stupid truffle stuff they didn't want.
Your family wants to make you squee. Give them a way to do that.
Or just tell them to give to Heifer International
I would suggest constantly mentioning Heifer International, with excitement, as if you were genuinely interested in the organization's every small success. Every phone call, something like "did you know you can donate bees!? And then the family can use the honey, and the beeswax, too, isn't that cool!?" And really, really gush with thanks like you have never gushed before when they donate to Heifer International. Keep mentioning that you keep thinking about how that cow has probably had some calves by now, and let them see that you are really touched by the way the gift keeps on giving. Mention how much you appreciate your family's gift that has such a tremendous ripple effect, far beyond the number of lives you would be able to touch on your own.
Later on, if they get you food, just say thanks. If they get you another Heifer International donation, gush with joy about how well they know you and understand just what you've always wanted.
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 1:36 PM on December 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
And yet. And yet. Every now and then a Humperdinck will slip and accidentally give you a clue to something they will love and cherish and would never ever buy for themselves, in which case you can get them an awesome gift they will genuinely squee over, but mostly everyone gets the same old stupid truffle stuff they didn't want.
Your family wants to make you squee. Give them a way to do that.
Or just tell them to give to Heifer International
I would suggest constantly mentioning Heifer International, with excitement, as if you were genuinely interested in the organization's every small success. Every phone call, something like "did you know you can donate bees!? And then the family can use the honey, and the beeswax, too, isn't that cool!?" And really, really gush with thanks like you have never gushed before when they donate to Heifer International. Keep mentioning that you keep thinking about how that cow has probably had some calves by now, and let them see that you are really touched by the way the gift keeps on giving. Mention how much you appreciate your family's gift that has such a tremendous ripple effect, far beyond the number of lives you would be able to touch on your own.
Later on, if they get you food, just say thanks. If they get you another Heifer International donation, gush with joy about how well they know you and understand just what you've always wanted.
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 1:36 PM on December 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
We had a similar situation with both of our families and resolved it by telling the adults this:
posted by yellowcandy at 2:12 PM on December 1, 2014 [4 favorites]
We want to make sure we give the best gifts to the people who will appreciate them most, so starting this year, we are only going to be giving birthday and holiday gifts to children in our families.And amazingly, it worked. One relative still stubbornly sends us gift certificates, but everyone else got the message and appreciated the sentiment behind asking for a little more time rather than a gift.
Since that means we won't be exchanging gifts any more, we hope you'll make a little extra time to talk on the phone with us or on Skype instead. We'd rather have that than any gift, after all.
posted by yellowcandy at 2:12 PM on December 1, 2014 [4 favorites]
Some people give you the types of gifts that they themselves like to receive. Send them a random box of pears! Maybe they'll enjoy it as much as they imagine you enjoy your gift. Or they'll realize how hard it is to eat it all without wasting, and adjust their strategy next time.
posted by xo at 3:31 PM on December 1, 2014
posted by xo at 3:31 PM on December 1, 2014
I suggest that the gift givers really don't know you or understand you well enough to know what would be meaningful to you. Yes, they are relatives, but how often do you see them or talk to them? Is the conversation ever more than superficial? That might be a place to start.
If you think there is no way to put them off of gift-giving, start a wish list on Amazon, let your parents know about it and ask them to spread that info around to the various gift givers.
After that, whatever you get, continue to be gracious and then move on. If the givers aren't paying attention to what you really want, they are still somehow getting pleasure in having given something.
posted by vignettist at 3:43 PM on December 1, 2014
If you think there is no way to put them off of gift-giving, start a wish list on Amazon, let your parents know about it and ask them to spread that info around to the various gift givers.
After that, whatever you get, continue to be gracious and then move on. If the givers aren't paying attention to what you really want, they are still somehow getting pleasure in having given something.
posted by vignettist at 3:43 PM on December 1, 2014
Another vote for just taking the stuff to the office. At least for food, people at work will eat anything. I've begun doing this with my husband's office: "hey, we have all these cupcakes left from the birthday", "take them to work"....and so on....even non-dessert things might make a good mid-morning snack for people.
posted by CrazyLemonade at 3:53 PM on December 1, 2014
posted by CrazyLemonade at 3:53 PM on December 1, 2014
Oh god, I wish my family would get us food. I've been asking specifically for consumables for years to stop the endless tide of tupperware shaped like hamburger patties and bread machines and thrift store purses, to no avail.
When they get you food, remove a small portion appropriate for your own consumption (so, two pears) and then donate the rest. That way, you've "used" the gift but aren't burdened by a massive amount of food you don't need.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:01 PM on December 1, 2014 [3 favorites]
When they get you food, remove a small portion appropriate for your own consumption (so, two pears) and then donate the rest. That way, you've "used" the gift but aren't burdened by a massive amount of food you don't need.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:01 PM on December 1, 2014 [3 favorites]
One year my family tried the "don't exchange gifts" thing, and we were all miserable to varying degrees. We just can't do it. So now we just try to keep it reasonable.
For my parents especially, they wouldn't get the same joy from donating in my name because for them money isn't the point. They would probably end up donating AND buying me a gift. My parents just love giving gifts, and I will never be able to change them.
So if your family is like mine, you're going to have to start qualifying your thank yous. "We really enjoyed the pears, but there were just SO MANY that they went bad before we could finish them!" etc.
I personally gave up and just send a wish list every so often which I know they'll probably ignore anyway. I just accept it as the way they show their love.
posted by rakaidan at 4:36 PM on December 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
For my parents especially, they wouldn't get the same joy from donating in my name because for them money isn't the point. They would probably end up donating AND buying me a gift. My parents just love giving gifts, and I will never be able to change them.
So if your family is like mine, you're going to have to start qualifying your thank yous. "We really enjoyed the pears, but there were just SO MANY that they went bad before we could finish them!" etc.
I personally gave up and just send a wish list every so often which I know they'll probably ignore anyway. I just accept it as the way they show their love.
posted by rakaidan at 4:36 PM on December 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
It seems like these gifts are your family's way of showing their love and affection for you. Rather than trying to cut that off entirely, can you redirect their efforts towards another way of expressing affection? What about a regular dinner that you all contribute to? Or some sort of regular outing/excursion? Either way, I think you may have more success if you approach this by redirecting how they show you affection, rather than just trying to get them to stop giving you gifts.
posted by matildatakesovertheworld at 5:05 PM on December 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by matildatakesovertheworld at 5:05 PM on December 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'd accept the fact that they're going to continue giving you things because giving things feels really good and it's not easy to just stop giving gifts - I've tried it and it hurts like heck inside.
The solution's pretty easy, though, if they give food gifts - just donate them to a homeless shelter or a women's shelter or to someone pushing a grocery basket with all their earthly possessions down the street. And, not that anyone would give you these, gift cards to McDonald's, Subway, Olive Garden go a long way toward making a cold, hard day better for someone who doesn't have overly generous relatives like you do.
If it's "stuff" instead of food, just accept it as a kind, caring gesture from someone who very much needs to give something to someone they love; be big enough to accept graciously - is it really necessary to diminish the gesture?
posted by aryma at 7:34 PM on December 1, 2014
The solution's pretty easy, though, if they give food gifts - just donate them to a homeless shelter or a women's shelter or to someone pushing a grocery basket with all their earthly possessions down the street. And, not that anyone would give you these, gift cards to McDonald's, Subway, Olive Garden go a long way toward making a cold, hard day better for someone who doesn't have overly generous relatives like you do.
If it's "stuff" instead of food, just accept it as a kind, caring gesture from someone who very much needs to give something to someone they love; be big enough to accept graciously - is it really necessary to diminish the gesture?
posted by aryma at 7:34 PM on December 1, 2014
Are all of these items (boxed shipments of fruit, corkscrews, doormats, etc) truly spontaneous gifts where the giver has a desire to give you something and ineptly chooses that item instead of something you'd really like? I'm asking because my parents used to be visited a couple times a year by local kids selling boxed shipments of fruit as a fundraiser for their school or hockey team or scout troop or whatever. Perhaps the fruit-givers are being hit up for a similar fundraiser and they don't want to turn the kids away from the door with a flat refusal, so they buy pears or apples for you and feel better because they've made a charitable donation and sent you a gift at the same time. Perhaps the doormat-and-corkscrew givers are offloading unwanted items that have been given to them. (My boyfriend is sometimes presented with odd household items out of the blue by his parents. These almost always turns out to be re-gifts.)
If you think the gift givers are motivated by such pragmatic concerns, you don't have to feel so guilty about getting rid of the unwanted gifts, nor do you need to be so effusive in your thanks.
posted by Orinda at 11:33 PM on December 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
If you think the gift givers are motivated by such pragmatic concerns, you don't have to feel so guilty about getting rid of the unwanted gifts, nor do you need to be so effusive in your thanks.
posted by Orinda at 11:33 PM on December 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
My parents and I (who are Guess Culture to the extreme) just decided this year to stop exchanging Christmas gifts. It was a huge load off my mind because I would always agonize about trying to find the exact right thing, and never have any good ideas for what I wanted. They suggested stopping, and I was so relieved because it would have probably taken me another decade or so to get up the nerve to float the idea.
posted by Daily Alice at 7:33 AM on December 2, 2014
posted by Daily Alice at 7:33 AM on December 2, 2014
Have you tried making up an Amazon Wish List? It can link to anything, anywhere online, so it's not really limited. Would they use it?
My family is Guess and my wife's is Ask. At her request I make a Christmas List, and we edit the ones that the kids write. And honestly, I think my family appreciates not having to guess so much, though they are still free to do whatever they want.
posted by wenestvedt at 9:15 AM on December 2, 2014
My family is Guess and my wife's is Ask. At her request I make a Christmas List, and we edit the ones that the kids write. And honestly, I think my family appreciates not having to guess so much, though they are still free to do whatever they want.
posted by wenestvedt at 9:15 AM on December 2, 2014
My brother once dated a girl whose family each bought themselves something they wanted in the weeks leading up to Christmas, then got together on Christmas day for drinks and the ritual of writing checks to each other. I always imagined it to be like this:
"What did I get you this year?"posted by wenestvedt at 9:21 AM on December 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
"Golf club, one of those 5-woods. My drives are awesome with it."
"How much?"
"Seventy-nine bucks. But you love me."
*sound of involuntary breath*
Oh! I can handle the pear thing.
"Eloise! Ten Pounds of pears? What were you thinking? We're up to our ears in Pears!" Can't even make pies out of them. We're giving them to the food pantry. I love you, but ganug! Enough. We love your generous nature, and the pound we've each eaten were delicious, but it's such a waste."
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:29 AM on December 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
"Eloise! Ten Pounds of pears? What were you thinking? We're up to our ears in Pears!" Can't even make pies out of them. We're giving them to the food pantry. I love you, but ganug! Enough. We love your generous nature, and the pound we've each eaten were delicious, but it's such a waste."
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:29 AM on December 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
I remind myself that whoever gave me the gift gave it because they wanted me to feel happy, NOT guilty or burdened. If they knew their gift made me feel burdened they wouldn't have given it. Their goal was to give happiness. So I allow myself to do whatever I can with their gift to give myself the feeling of happiness, which often means getting rid of the burden of ownership by re-gifting or donating it.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 2:29 PM on May 11, 2015
posted by pseudostrabismus at 2:29 PM on May 11, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
I think you basically have to accept the unwanted gifts, and if you don't want them, take them to the office or wherever to share.
However, if there is something that really interests you (cheese? wine? a calendar?) perhaps you could send a letter or email or whatever and say "This year what we really want is a nice calendar."
You could also suggest people make a donation to Syrian refugees or something, but that's a hard one. People get funny about that.
I think you can really only set boundaries with unsolicited Christmas gifts with children.
All of my relatives buy all sorts of crap for my kids for Christmas, including Lego. It drives me crazy because the kids now have too much of the stuff, and it's just a big jumble of expensive parts.
So I said: "This year, don't buy anymore Lego. We have too much and they don't play with it. But XX instead."
And that works, but that's because the gift-givers genuinely want the kids to be happy with what they are receiving, and to play with or use the gifts.
But I personally would never refuse pears or truffles. It would be rude.
It's just a weird convention/cultural practice that is not worth fighting.
posted by Nevin at 11:01 AM on December 1, 2014 [3 favorites]