Help us help him
November 22, 2014 4:37 PM   Subscribe

Resources for a 14 year old boy who is gay?

Ah sorry if I am not wording this properly - I know this is a sensitive situation but I'm reaching out for help.

A family friend has reached out asking for help. She has a 14 year old son who she thinks is gay - she walked in on him skipping school, making out with another boy. She wants to support him and she totally accepts him for who he is but every time she tries to reach out he avoids her and doesn't want to talk to her. She believes (through his actions) that he isn't accepting himself and wants to provide him with something (books, online group..etc), anything that could help. Extra background, they are a Latin immigrant family where discussing this isn't the norm. They are Catholic and she is very involved at church.

So can you guys provide us with some guidance on how to approach this? What should she do? What can she give him to help?
posted by xicana63 to Human Relations (10 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
For resources: I gravitated towards films and books - fiction always spoke to me. There is a lot of excellent LGBT YA literature out there these days, widely accessible - including ebooks, which means you don't have to even go to a bookstore or library. I really enjoyed Rainbow Boys by Alex Sanchez - and one of the characters is from a Latin family.

If they are in a relatively large city, there will probably be a LGBT youth group he can attend, or LGBT support centre, but he has to be ready for that. If he's not ready to go, she can still go to the group to ask for advice and more resources.

Aside from resources, what I would have wanted most is reassurance that my mother supported me. If he won't talk to her directly, maybe leaving pro-LGBT material around the house? Like pamphlets from PFLAG, or positive space stickers. In fact, she may want to find a chapter of PLFAG itself, as they will be able to give her more support and resources.
posted by jb at 5:01 PM on November 22, 2014 [2 favorites]


I suggest your friend contact PFLAG in her area [on preview, I see jb has done so already]. They have a "get support" page for friends and families on their official website that might point her in the right direction.

Your friend sounds like an awesome mom! Even if it seems like her son idoesn't want to talk to her, she is doing the right thing by continuing to express that she loves and accepts him. It will make a difference even if it doesn't seem to right now, especially if they are from a culture that normally doesn't discuss gay issues.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 5:09 PM on November 22, 2014 [5 favorites]


Nthing pflag, Eric Marcus' Is it a Choice? is also good.
posted by brujita at 5:17 PM on November 22, 2014 [1 favorite]


Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz is a YA novel about two latino boys who fall in love and it is be-still-my-heart wonderful.
posted by changeling at 5:51 PM on November 22, 2014 [4 favorites]


Hey, I knew that guy about 35 years ago! A young gay boy from a Catholic Latin immigrant family. He spent a very long time torturing himself over being gay, first accepting it himself, and then worrying about his parents' reaction. The night he told them, we'd pre-arranged for him to come stay with us if his parents kicked him out.

But they didn't kick him out. They told him that of course he was gay, and they thought he knew that they knew. They'd just figured he probably didn't want to talk about it and didn't have anyone to introduce to them yet. And for a while, he hadn't.

But in that situation, anyway, in hindsight, maybe they just could have written him a short note letting him know that they loved and supported him either way, that he didn't have to hide anything from them, and that he could talk to them whenever he felt like it.
posted by ernielundquist at 6:26 PM on November 22, 2014 [7 favorites]


Apart from the queer-specific issues, he's probably also kind of embarrassed that his mother walked in on him making out with someone of any gender. This may be a cue to have a conversation about private space and boundaries and knocking on doors and such.

Basically one of the best things she can do right now is ask herself how she'd proceed if he were straight (which he may be--I definitely made out with boys at that age, the majority of whom have turned out to be straight, not me though) and then do that. As for having That Big Conversation About You Being Queer, it's really a hell of a lot better to make it a really short conversation: "Just in case you're concerned, if you're queer it's not a problem. And anyone inside or outside this family who makes it a problem will have me to deal with. I'm still your mum, ok? Anything you need, just let me know. Have you taken out the garbage yet?"
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:18 PM on November 22, 2014 [4 favorites]


I guess what I'm saying is, it's going to take time for him to feel comfortable again. When you're in the closet, it feels like this great big huge thing overshadowing every moment of your life. Ending that--even only partially--takes a lot of getting used to. And it's always weird to have someone going "well read this pamphlet and go to this website etc etc." He's going to need time and space to come to her--chasing is just going to push him away. The very best thing she can do is give him that space, but let him know that between yesterday and today the only thing that's really changed is the date on the calendar.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:24 PM on November 22, 2014 [1 favorite]


As always, a shout out for Scarleteen as a resource for those things kids might not feel comfortable talking with their parents about...
posted by straw at 8:34 PM on November 22, 2014


I work with kids that age and I'm with fffm. The kid's probably more freaked out that he was caught cutting school and his mom walked in and saw him smooching a person, especially another fella.

He's probably waiting for the penny to drop about cutting school as well as the other stuff.

Of course he doesn't want to talk. Having your mom walk in on you is completely embarrassing. And he was busted skipping school to boot.

I'd leave him a note somewhere that he can't help but see, maybe on the fridge or on his pillow, saying something like, "You're my son and I love and support you if you're queer or straight or figuring things out. I'm not okay with you cutting school, though, so that needs to stop. I made your favorite chicken for dinner. Take out the garbage."
posted by kinetic at 6:02 AM on November 23, 2014 [9 favorites]


Nthing the recommendation of PFLAG. While the Boston Area Gay and Lesbian Youth ("BAGLY") is a Boston-area program, some of the resources on their web pages may be helpful. I haven't had any first-hand experience with but Dignity, but it is a national organization for queer Catholics that's been around since 1969, and (assuming they're local to your profile location) it looks like they have an Indianapolis chapter. If any of the involved folks are active on twitter, they may enjoy some of the discussions (usually late Sunday afternoons) that happen under the #qfaith hastag.
posted by rmd1023 at 9:54 AM on November 23, 2014


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