Help me get over my online obsession
October 20, 2014 9:05 PM Subscribe
Of all the men I meet on OK Cupid, I choose to like one 11,000 km away. How do I get over him?
He got in touch with me five weeks ago, and what started out as friendly banter (we are both academics, in similar fields) has evolved to mutual confessions of liking each other.
I am still on Ok Cupid while he disabled his three weeks ago. I was not the reason; he had no time nor interest to talk to anyone and I was the only reason why he bothered to log on. Since then, we started talking on facebook (usually quick messages in the morning when he wakes and I am in the middle of my day, or when he is back at home and I am about to go to bed) and in the last week or so, we started skyping. These Skype sessions span hours and we would chat about more personal things, finding out more about each other. The more we talk and see each other online, the greater the mutual attraction.
He was due to visit my city for a conference in early November, but it seems that it is not happening after all because his experiments are not working and he has nothing to show for/present. He proposed to visit me in late November when all his obligations are completed as he would really want to meet me in person, but that is still up in the air.
I am somewhat disappointed because I was really looking forward to meeting him in two weeks. I realise that perhaps I like him because I have built up a mental image of him in my head and he may be completely different in real life. This, I told him and he agreed with me, saying that it may also be the case with him.
In addition, even if we meet and find each other as awesome as we imagined, it is unlikely anything significant will happen due to geography and our professional circumstances.
In the meantime, I think about him all the time. I am accepting dates from men I find interesting in my city, but I find myself unable to let them develop further because I keep thinking about him, that I should really just meet him first. To me, he has priority.
I know I sound irrational and obsessive. I need voices of reason! Please help!
He got in touch with me five weeks ago, and what started out as friendly banter (we are both academics, in similar fields) has evolved to mutual confessions of liking each other.
I am still on Ok Cupid while he disabled his three weeks ago. I was not the reason; he had no time nor interest to talk to anyone and I was the only reason why he bothered to log on. Since then, we started talking on facebook (usually quick messages in the morning when he wakes and I am in the middle of my day, or when he is back at home and I am about to go to bed) and in the last week or so, we started skyping. These Skype sessions span hours and we would chat about more personal things, finding out more about each other. The more we talk and see each other online, the greater the mutual attraction.
He was due to visit my city for a conference in early November, but it seems that it is not happening after all because his experiments are not working and he has nothing to show for/present. He proposed to visit me in late November when all his obligations are completed as he would really want to meet me in person, but that is still up in the air.
I am somewhat disappointed because I was really looking forward to meeting him in two weeks. I realise that perhaps I like him because I have built up a mental image of him in my head and he may be completely different in real life. This, I told him and he agreed with me, saying that it may also be the case with him.
In addition, even if we meet and find each other as awesome as we imagined, it is unlikely anything significant will happen due to geography and our professional circumstances.
In the meantime, I think about him all the time. I am accepting dates from men I find interesting in my city, but I find myself unable to let them develop further because I keep thinking about him, that I should really just meet him first. To me, he has priority.
I know I sound irrational and obsessive. I need voices of reason! Please help!
I know a million people who have had internet relationships that crashed and burned once they entered the zone of real life. I know one couple who moved thousands of miles to be together and has been married for a decade. The odds are against this being the man of your life, but it sounds like you're having fun right now, so why not just enjoy that fun right now, and let the future take care of the future?
posted by feets at 10:28 PM on October 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by feets at 10:28 PM on October 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
Unless one of you is secretly married, a psychopath or a con artist, I'm not seeing a problem here.
Be prepared for the possibility that one of you is secretly married, a psychopath or a con artist.
posted by Perodicticus potto at 11:33 PM on October 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
Be prepared for the possibility that one of you is secretly married, a psychopath or a con artist.
posted by Perodicticus potto at 11:33 PM on October 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
I haven't made any life partners via long-distance chatting, but I have made some solid friends. Go into this meeting knowing you have common interests, and see what comes of it.
posted by zippy at 11:37 PM on October 20, 2014
posted by zippy at 11:37 PM on October 20, 2014
You should be careful of attaching high value to things that have a low probability of working out. This can be addictive.
Outside of that, let yourself have an experience and have some fun. You never know. Give yourself a chance to get to know the person IRL, otherwise you might find yourself regretting rushing into things and lacking perspective, down the road. I've had the worst online dates you could possibly imagine. But to be honest, I've also met some people online I care a lot about to this day.
posted by phaedon at 11:44 PM on October 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
Outside of that, let yourself have an experience and have some fun. You never know. Give yourself a chance to get to know the person IRL, otherwise you might find yourself regretting rushing into things and lacking perspective, down the road. I've had the worst online dates you could possibly imagine. But to be honest, I've also met some people online I care a lot about to this day.
posted by phaedon at 11:44 PM on October 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
Hours of chatting on Skype is not really much less IRL, in this context, than coffee or dinner dates would be. You're both presenting yourselves with similar possibilities in mind, however far-fetched your rational side might label them, and in that sense the "dating" game you're playing is no less normal or valid than one played out in traditional settings.
In my experience, Skype dating and enforced months before meeting in person for the first time led to more natural communication and a much deeper connection and understanding much more quickly than any in-person dating I'd known before. When words are the only things you can touch and learn about each other with, there's a possibility for a meeting of minds to evolve in an honest, open, wonderful manner.
There's nothing wrong with letting yourself enjoy the novel experience of connecting intensely with someone without all of the physical cues and questions and interplay that you instinctively expect. If you can be honest with yourself, and about yourself to the other person, then there's no need to look on the situation in more negative terms than any other kind of dating.
Disclaimer: I had a very similar experience to yours, although a few thousand km less distance. We met in person after about 4 months of Skype; we carried on a LDR for another 6 months; the 9th time we "met" (in person) was when we moved in together. That was 6 years ago, and we've been married for 2 years now.
Good luck!
posted by protorp at 12:28 AM on October 21, 2014 [8 favorites]
In my experience, Skype dating and enforced months before meeting in person for the first time led to more natural communication and a much deeper connection and understanding much more quickly than any in-person dating I'd known before. When words are the only things you can touch and learn about each other with, there's a possibility for a meeting of minds to evolve in an honest, open, wonderful manner.
There's nothing wrong with letting yourself enjoy the novel experience of connecting intensely with someone without all of the physical cues and questions and interplay that you instinctively expect. If you can be honest with yourself, and about yourself to the other person, then there's no need to look on the situation in more negative terms than any other kind of dating.
Disclaimer: I had a very similar experience to yours, although a few thousand km less distance. We met in person after about 4 months of Skype; we carried on a LDR for another 6 months; the 9th time we "met" (in person) was when we moved in together. That was 6 years ago, and we've been married for 2 years now.
Good luck!
posted by protorp at 12:28 AM on October 21, 2014 [8 favorites]
If he doesn't get to your city in November, then you go to his city in November.
posted by JimN2TAW at 1:53 AM on October 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by JimN2TAW at 1:53 AM on October 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
He was due to visit my city for a conference in early November, but it seems that it is not happening after all because his experiments are not working and he has nothing to show for/present.
When did he find out/decide that he wouldn't be going to the conference -- how far in advance of the conference? This seems weird to me. Generally most people I know have their work wrapped up and ready to present far enough in advance that cancelling a November presentation in October would be... weird. And even if he's not presenting, there are still loads of valid reasons to go to conferences, especially if his department/PI/whatever has already allocated those travel funds.
I dunno, just seems weird to me that someone would cancel their conference attendance less than a month out because their "experiments weren't working" (what happened to the time to analyze the data, prepare the presentation, etc.?). But I could be totally wrong on this, since I have no idea what he actually does; if you know what he does you probably have a better feel for this than I do.
In addition, even if we meet and find each other as awesome as we imagined, it is unlikely anything significant will happen due to geography and our professional circumstances.
Is it possible that, on some level, this is the guy you're falling for BECAUSE you know that it's unlikely anything significant could happen? Do you have any history of falling for people who are unavailable in other ways (in a relationship, emotionally unavailable, etc.)? If so, I think that's something to work on.
posted by pie ninja at 5:16 AM on October 21, 2014 [4 favorites]
When did he find out/decide that he wouldn't be going to the conference -- how far in advance of the conference? This seems weird to me. Generally most people I know have their work wrapped up and ready to present far enough in advance that cancelling a November presentation in October would be... weird. And even if he's not presenting, there are still loads of valid reasons to go to conferences, especially if his department/PI/whatever has already allocated those travel funds.
I dunno, just seems weird to me that someone would cancel their conference attendance less than a month out because their "experiments weren't working" (what happened to the time to analyze the data, prepare the presentation, etc.?). But I could be totally wrong on this, since I have no idea what he actually does; if you know what he does you probably have a better feel for this than I do.
In addition, even if we meet and find each other as awesome as we imagined, it is unlikely anything significant will happen due to geography and our professional circumstances.
Is it possible that, on some level, this is the guy you're falling for BECAUSE you know that it's unlikely anything significant could happen? Do you have any history of falling for people who are unavailable in other ways (in a relationship, emotionally unavailable, etc.)? If so, I think that's something to work on.
posted by pie ninja at 5:16 AM on October 21, 2014 [4 favorites]
Generally most people I know have their work wrapped up and ready to present far enough in advance that cancelling a November presentation in October would be... weird.
No idea what this guy's specific situation is, but it wouldn't be unheard of in an experimental field: maybe some results didn't pan out or some equipment broke down and there wasn't enough time for a do-over. Not every academic laboratory is a model of efficiency and organization: stuff gets done at the last moment, sometimes it doesn't work out.
And even if he's not presenting, there are still loads of valid reasons to go to conferences, especially if his department/PI/whatever has already allocated those travel funds.
Depends on how your funding works. Around here, you often won't get reimbursed for travel/conference expenses if you do not submit proof of work presented (e.g. conference programme).
posted by Dr Dracator at 6:00 AM on October 21, 2014
No idea what this guy's specific situation is, but it wouldn't be unheard of in an experimental field: maybe some results didn't pan out or some equipment broke down and there wasn't enough time for a do-over. Not every academic laboratory is a model of efficiency and organization: stuff gets done at the last moment, sometimes it doesn't work out.
And even if he's not presenting, there are still loads of valid reasons to go to conferences, especially if his department/PI/whatever has already allocated those travel funds.
Depends on how your funding works. Around here, you often won't get reimbursed for travel/conference expenses if you do not submit proof of work presented (e.g. conference programme).
posted by Dr Dracator at 6:00 AM on October 21, 2014
No sense in worrying about this until you meet up. Could turn out you don't click in person, or that you fall so madly in love you're willing to relocate. Right now, you have no information to process, so you're a worry machine.
posted by spaltavian at 6:03 AM on October 21, 2014
posted by spaltavian at 6:03 AM on October 21, 2014
In my experience, Skype dating and enforced months before meeting in person for the first time led to more natural communication and a much deeper connection and understanding much more quickly than any in-person dating I'd known before. When words are the only things you can touch and learn about each other with, there's a possibility for a meeting of minds to evolve in an honest, open, wonderful manner.
This. And therefore: arrange contraception prior to your meeting.
Also: your question, even in a tongue-in-cheek way, asks "How do I get over him?" (because he is inconveniently far away) while the content goes on to justify your seeing him. Now - before you meet - is the time to think about whether so much distance really is a deal-breaker.
posted by rongorongo at 6:13 AM on October 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
This. And therefore: arrange contraception prior to your meeting.
Also: your question, even in a tongue-in-cheek way, asks "How do I get over him?" (because he is inconveniently far away) while the content goes on to justify your seeing him. Now - before you meet - is the time to think about whether so much distance really is a deal-breaker.
posted by rongorongo at 6:13 AM on October 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
Give him the slow fade. Block him on facebook and Skype, if you have to, perhaps with a very brief explanation if you don't want to be rude. That is, if you really want to get over him.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:21 AM on October 21, 2014
posted by J. Wilson at 6:21 AM on October 21, 2014
The last few times I've met someone I schmooped over online, they were people who lived outside my city (New York):
* A guy in California,
* A guy in Connecticut (the "Object d'Schmoop" of my recent comment history) and
* A guy in Singapore.
And in all cases, reality finally caught up:
* Guy in California and I hooked up a couple times (work brought him to NYC a few times and I saved up for a trip to California), but then he changed jobs and things fizzled. (And, frankly, it was only ever gonna be a fling.)
* Guy in Connecticut and I were sort of kind of casually dating for a while, but grad school has pretty much eaten him (I haven't heard from him in 2 months now and I'm going to be leaving him one last "well, I guess I can take a hint, jerkoff" message in a few days).
* Let me say that again: SINGAPORE.
The flip side to all of this, too, is one of my old roommates who met a guy online - she was in New York and he was in Australia - and she ended up flying to Australia to MARRY him after a couple years.
The thing that all of these stories have in common is that each person in each scenario just....went on and lived their life, interacting with each other as they could, and it became apparent in time whether This Was Something We Want To And Are Able To Keep Going, or not. Just like in a relationship where you're both in the same place.
Go on. Live your life. Schmoop on the guy as long as you feel like, but don't neglect the rest of your life in the process. And if this is something that it turns out you really want and can work at, and he feels the same way, then yay.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:32 AM on October 21, 2014 [2 favorites]
* A guy in California,
* A guy in Connecticut (the "Object d'Schmoop" of my recent comment history) and
* A guy in Singapore.
And in all cases, reality finally caught up:
* Guy in California and I hooked up a couple times (work brought him to NYC a few times and I saved up for a trip to California), but then he changed jobs and things fizzled. (And, frankly, it was only ever gonna be a fling.)
* Guy in Connecticut and I were sort of kind of casually dating for a while, but grad school has pretty much eaten him (I haven't heard from him in 2 months now and I'm going to be leaving him one last "well, I guess I can take a hint, jerkoff" message in a few days).
* Let me say that again: SINGAPORE.
The flip side to all of this, too, is one of my old roommates who met a guy online - she was in New York and he was in Australia - and she ended up flying to Australia to MARRY him after a couple years.
The thing that all of these stories have in common is that each person in each scenario just....went on and lived their life, interacting with each other as they could, and it became apparent in time whether This Was Something We Want To And Are Able To Keep Going, or not. Just like in a relationship where you're both in the same place.
Go on. Live your life. Schmoop on the guy as long as you feel like, but don't neglect the rest of your life in the process. And if this is something that it turns out you really want and can work at, and he feels the same way, then yay.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:32 AM on October 21, 2014 [2 favorites]
11,000km? Lightweight. I moved 14,375km from Perth to San Francisco to be with and subsequently marry a girl I met on World of Warcraft.
Distance is a frame of mind. If you both want it to happen the necessary sacrifices can be made.
posted by Talez at 9:20 AM on October 21, 2014 [2 favorites]
Distance is a frame of mind. If you both want it to happen the necessary sacrifices can be made.
posted by Talez at 9:20 AM on October 21, 2014 [2 favorites]
No idea what this guy's specific situation is, but it wouldn't be unheard of in an experimental field: maybe some results didn't pan out or some equipment broke down and there wasn't enough time for a do-over. Not every academic laboratory is a model of efficiency and organization: stuff gets done at the last moment, sometimes it doesn't work out.
Yeah. Withdrawing from a conference when you find a flaw in your data is actually something that takes a fair bit of backbone in my experience. It means admitting you screwed up in a situation where there's lots of pressure to look hypercompetent All The Time. If he showed up and presented data he knew was flawed, that would be a way bigger red flag character-wise than fessing up and withdrawing his paper IMO.
I mean, if he flakes on this second offer to visit too, then probably something's up. But until then this doesn't seem like a thing to worry about.
posted by nebulawindphone at 3:45 PM on October 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
Yeah. Withdrawing from a conference when you find a flaw in your data is actually something that takes a fair bit of backbone in my experience. It means admitting you screwed up in a situation where there's lots of pressure to look hypercompetent All The Time. If he showed up and presented data he knew was flawed, that would be a way bigger red flag character-wise than fessing up and withdrawing his paper IMO.
I mean, if he flakes on this second offer to visit too, then probably something's up. But until then this doesn't seem like a thing to worry about.
posted by nebulawindphone at 3:45 PM on October 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
hold on for a few more weeks. agree to have him visit and make sure he sends you the itinerary.
if you have a spark, you have a spark. the distance, well, who knows . . .
posted by Ironmouth at 9:27 PM on October 21, 2014
if you have a spark, you have a spark. the distance, well, who knows . . .
posted by Ironmouth at 9:27 PM on October 21, 2014
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You're going to meet in a month's time, right?
Stop going out with other men. Enjoy this connection as it is. Get more involved with friends and activities at home. In a month you'll meet in person.
Everything is fine. Relax. It's OK to be Skype-dating this fellow for an extra few weeks.
Chill.
posted by jbenben at 9:13 PM on October 20, 2014 [11 favorites]