Do I meet my catfish?
October 20, 2014 8:22 PM Subscribe
I am in Buenos Aires on holiday visiting a relative for two weeks, and this place is so full of emotion.
First, I am Hispanic, and this is the first time I have been able to visit a Latin American country. Second, I used to chat extensively (video and instant message, so I'm more certain he is who I think he is) with a guy from Buenos Aires online when i was a teenager. I thought this guy was the love of my life when I was a teenager. I cut ties with him out of college because I wanted a real love for myself... Not something long-distance. I live in the US and didn't see the possibility of us working out so that's the main reason I shut him out completely.
I am only here for two weeks, and in truth I am still looking for the first real love of my life at 25. I haven't really found anyone at this point and being here alone is making me feel incredibly lonely instead of incredibly empowered and independent like I had hoped. It is such a passion-filled city, full of life, and I'm physically and emotionally yearning for someone. In a time like this, I'm thinking back to my teenage self who would have given anything to meet my argentine "catfish". I came here telling myself not to even consider it but even on the first day I am so hungry for love that I don't know what to do with myself. Should i just suppress everything and wait until I get home to meet someone? I haven't had much luck, but maybe something like match.com would help? Ahhhh I'm so very confused. I just know more than ever that I'm ready for love, and i have no idea if being here is supposed to mean I should find my teenage "soulmate" (who I never really thought much of until now, to be honest) or if it's just another time where i should gain more confidence, spread my wings and fly on my own.
First, I am Hispanic, and this is the first time I have been able to visit a Latin American country. Second, I used to chat extensively (video and instant message, so I'm more certain he is who I think he is) with a guy from Buenos Aires online when i was a teenager. I thought this guy was the love of my life when I was a teenager. I cut ties with him out of college because I wanted a real love for myself... Not something long-distance. I live in the US and didn't see the possibility of us working out so that's the main reason I shut him out completely.
I am only here for two weeks, and in truth I am still looking for the first real love of my life at 25. I haven't really found anyone at this point and being here alone is making me feel incredibly lonely instead of incredibly empowered and independent like I had hoped. It is such a passion-filled city, full of life, and I'm physically and emotionally yearning for someone. In a time like this, I'm thinking back to my teenage self who would have given anything to meet my argentine "catfish". I came here telling myself not to even consider it but even on the first day I am so hungry for love that I don't know what to do with myself. Should i just suppress everything and wait until I get home to meet someone? I haven't had much luck, but maybe something like match.com would help? Ahhhh I'm so very confused. I just know more than ever that I'm ready for love, and i have no idea if being here is supposed to mean I should find my teenage "soulmate" (who I never really thought much of until now, to be honest) or if it's just another time where i should gain more confidence, spread my wings and fly on my own.
ya know, yolo. ride that feeling!
posted by pintapicasso at 8:31 PM on October 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by pintapicasso at 8:31 PM on October 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
On the one hand, the chance that this is really The One are so, so incredibly slim. On the other hand--if you're not dealing with a boyfriend back home or whatever, if you take basic precautions the same as you would meeting anybody from the internet, I don't see why you have to look at this like a "catfish" kind of situation--lots and lots of people had adolescent love affairs that they think of fondly, it's just you're kind of the vanguard of the generation that really all of you were on the internet at that point. If he wants to meet up, if you want to meet up, at least if he turns out to be less exciting than planned then you go home afterwards and you don't spend the rest of your life wondering.
But if he's moved on, then, well, you still have your trip and there are still plenty of fish in the sea.
I not long ago briefly hooked up again with a high school flame and it was both wonderful and terrible in equal measures; it didn't end happily by any stretch but I wouldn't do a single thing differently if I were going to do it again.
posted by Sequence at 8:37 PM on October 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
But if he's moved on, then, well, you still have your trip and there are still plenty of fish in the sea.
I not long ago briefly hooked up again with a high school flame and it was both wonderful and terrible in equal measures; it didn't end happily by any stretch but I wouldn't do a single thing differently if I were going to do it again.
posted by Sequence at 8:37 PM on October 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
Of course you should send him an email or skype him and tell him you're there!!
BUT expect that he'll take you out for a beer and empanadas one afternoon, along with his very pretty and charming girlfriend/wife, and you'll have a great conversation and leave with a list of restaurants to try during your vacation.
That would still be more fun than NOT catching up with him, right?
If you want romance, by all means try OkCupid - I know a bunch of people who did it while traveling and liked it.
posted by amaire at 10:02 PM on October 20, 2014 [7 favorites]
BUT expect that he'll take you out for a beer and empanadas one afternoon, along with his very pretty and charming girlfriend/wife, and you'll have a great conversation and leave with a list of restaurants to try during your vacation.
That would still be more fun than NOT catching up with him, right?
If you want romance, by all means try OkCupid - I know a bunch of people who did it while traveling and liked it.
posted by amaire at 10:02 PM on October 20, 2014 [7 favorites]
What if you don't attempt to look him up? What will you say to yourself when you get back home?
I would also keep the expectations tamped down as much as possible. If you meet him, try not to let him know exactly where you are staying right away. Your imagination is running a little wild at this point, understandably, but again watch those expectations. Bonne chance!
posted by telstar at 12:32 AM on October 21, 2014
I would also keep the expectations tamped down as much as possible. If you meet him, try not to let him know exactly where you are staying right away. Your imagination is running a little wild at this point, understandably, but again watch those expectations. Bonne chance!
posted by telstar at 12:32 AM on October 21, 2014
Mod note: One comment deleted; yeah, sorry, sweeping generalizations about all men of X country really isn't great here.
posted by taz (staff) at 12:57 AM on October 21, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by taz (staff) at 12:57 AM on October 21, 2014 [3 favorites]
"...I am so hungry for love that I don't know what to do with myself..."
You aren't the first one. To use your metaphor, being hungry [for food] has led me to eat mayonaise sandwhiches and Top Ramen with peanut butter.
Your hunger makes you vulnerable. Follow the sage advice from bruce above and keep it to a limited engagement, maybe coffee and an hour.
I've twice met and lived with an SO, and in the first case the kids too, that I met from the internet. One time was for five years, one time for six [and was married] so I'm not perhaps the best person to ask about long-term relationships. Perhaps not the worst though.
In each case I had them call and talk to my mom before we ever met so they knew I was a real person. Best of luck.
posted by vapidave at 3:54 AM on October 21, 2014 [4 favorites]
You aren't the first one. To use your metaphor, being hungry [for food] has led me to eat mayonaise sandwhiches and Top Ramen with peanut butter.
Your hunger makes you vulnerable. Follow the sage advice from bruce above and keep it to a limited engagement, maybe coffee and an hour.
I've twice met and lived with an SO, and in the first case the kids too, that I met from the internet. One time was for five years, one time for six [and was married] so I'm not perhaps the best person to ask about long-term relationships. Perhaps not the worst though.
In each case I had them call and talk to my mom before we ever met so they knew I was a real person. Best of luck.
posted by vapidave at 3:54 AM on October 21, 2014 [4 favorites]
If you do not meet him, you will have regrets and doubts about this your whole life.
I say take the risk.
posted by Flood at 4:23 AM on October 21, 2014
I say take the risk.
posted by Flood at 4:23 AM on October 21, 2014
If you still have contact information, then go ahead and propose lunch or drinks. But don't go into this thinking it's going to be this amazing connection and insta-love. Very likely it'll be awkward and weird and you'll leave feeling discombobulated.
Husbunny and I met on the internet and formed a close connection. Our first meeting IRL was fraught with strange. He wasn't anything like I imagined him to be physically or in actual human form. Not that it was bad (clearly, we've been together for 13 years) but it took getting used to. Also, dating and relationships only really count when you're together in the same place. So the years we knew each other on-line as friends...contributed nothing to our courtship.
Don't expect to sleep with him, or for him to even accept your date. Reach out with the lowest of expectations. I know that we think that the people we've known in life fossilize at the moment of our last contact. That they stay exactly the same in hermetically sealed mayonnaise jars waiting for us to revive them again with our interest. They don't. He has moved on. He has a wife/girlfriend, children, etc. If by chance he's free, you may not mesh well together.
I'd rather be disappointed, than wonder for the rest of my life. So if you have a way to contact him, do that. But be prepared for him to say, "Who?"
As a solo traveler, I recommend finding some other travelers to hang out with. I met some great folks on my trips to Europe in hostels. It really, really helps.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:42 AM on October 21, 2014 [2 favorites]
Husbunny and I met on the internet and formed a close connection. Our first meeting IRL was fraught with strange. He wasn't anything like I imagined him to be physically or in actual human form. Not that it was bad (clearly, we've been together for 13 years) but it took getting used to. Also, dating and relationships only really count when you're together in the same place. So the years we knew each other on-line as friends...contributed nothing to our courtship.
Don't expect to sleep with him, or for him to even accept your date. Reach out with the lowest of expectations. I know that we think that the people we've known in life fossilize at the moment of our last contact. That they stay exactly the same in hermetically sealed mayonnaise jars waiting for us to revive them again with our interest. They don't. He has moved on. He has a wife/girlfriend, children, etc. If by chance he's free, you may not mesh well together.
I'd rather be disappointed, than wonder for the rest of my life. So if you have a way to contact him, do that. But be prepared for him to say, "Who?"
As a solo traveler, I recommend finding some other travelers to hang out with. I met some great folks on my trips to Europe in hostels. It really, really helps.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:42 AM on October 21, 2014 [2 favorites]
I think of you can rewire your expectations a bit from "teenage soulmate" to possible "brief vacation fling" you should go for it. Even it it just turns out to be meeting over coffee, you'll get to finally meet someone who was important to you. And maybe it'll turn into a steamy two week affair, or more. Who knows!
posted by catatethebird at 6:56 AM on October 21, 2014
posted by catatethebird at 6:56 AM on October 21, 2014
Oh, I did this! Only he was visiting my city. It was very strange meeting someone I used to talk to daily, but currently knew very little about, and nothing about what it would be like to talk face to face. It was more like hanging out with someone who had read all your teenage diaries, and you had read theirs. There were no romantics, just dinner with an old friend vibe, but I don't regret it at all.
posted by Dynex at 9:01 AM on October 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Dynex at 9:01 AM on October 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you everyone. I wrote this when I was confused and tipsy and buried feelings came to light. I felt super guilty for not wanting to meet him, because my teenage self wanted nothing more. But my adult self doesn't really care about him specifically, i just care about meeting someone great and having something special (in general). I think I should go with my gut and not meet up with him. At first I was worried I would feel so alone here wandering by my lonesome, but it's actually really rewarding! :D Highly recommend to everyone. Thanks again!
posted by cupkate at 11:44 AM on October 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by cupkate at 11:44 AM on October 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
Don't think about the possible romance or relationship. You're a tourist. You happen to know someone where you're touristing. No harm in Hey remember me? Wanna get a cup of coffee and tell me what I should do while I'm here?
If it was me I'd be freaked out if there was any hint of other expectations. Also, be prepared that at 25 he's in a relationship, very possibly even married.
posted by RandlePatrickMcMurphy at 12:38 PM on October 21, 2014
If it was me I'd be freaked out if there was any hint of other expectations. Also, be prepared that at 25 he's in a relationship, very possibly even married.
posted by RandlePatrickMcMurphy at 12:38 PM on October 21, 2014
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posted by bruce at 8:30 PM on October 20, 2014 [11 favorites]