I am freaking out majorly over a new relationship. Help!!!

October 15, 2014 4:30 PM

I just started dating this new guy about 5 weeks ago, and we just became exclusive. I am now freaking out about everything and need to get a handle. I don't know what's going on here. Help?

I am 21 years old. I just got out of a 5 year relationship 6 months ago, which I am over but am still trying to put my life back together. I felt like I lost myself in the relationship and had little interests and friends after it ended. I feel like I have dysthymia and anxiety.

I ended up making an okcupid account a few months ago, because idk why, I guess I wanted attention or something and maybe to hookup. I ended up meeting up with this guy I had been talking to for a couple weeks, because I figured why not, and his profile also said he wasn't interested in a relationship exactly. we went to dinner and then ice team the first time we met, and there was a connection. I thought he was really cool and funny and we have a lot in common. We went hiking on our second date, and had a lot of fun, I was pretty nervous around him though. He brought up what we were both looking for and I said that I wasn't looking for anything serious because I had just gotten out of a relationship, and he said he was just looking for something casual and was glad we were on the same page. Then on our third hangout we watched movies at his house, ended up kissing for the first time, and cuddling and I fell asleep there, no sex, it was weird that we were comfortable with that so soon but it just happened that way. We watched movies and hung at his house on our fourth date and our fifth date he asked me how far I was willing to take our relationship. He said he thought I was awesome and a great person and that he really liked me. I td him that before I met him I didn't want a relationship, but that now I really like him, but I wasn't sure how far I wanted to take things, I didn't have an answer on the spot. He checked in next time we hung out and I still didn't have an answer though I liked him a lot. Over the weekend he had a bonfire at his house and his friend came over and his family and everyone all drank and had a good time. Sunday night we went to a concert we had been planning to go to. We had a pretty good time, and afterwards when he took me home I thought I had made up my mind then, I really liked him and thought he was great and decided that I wanted to try a relationship with him. I told him that I had thought about the question he asked me, and that I wanted to take things to the next level, and he asked me to be his girlfriend.

That was a few days ago, and now I am freaking out. I feel like he is a really awesome person, so cool and knowledgable and has a lot of friends, and is close with his family and is just a great man. I keep freaking out and thinking if he gets to know the real me he won't like me, he thinks I'm really cool and great now but I don't see myself that way really and am scared for him to know the real me. I'm freaking out about if I made the right decision or not deciding to be exclusive. My anxiety and depression is acting way up again and I feel crazy. I don't even know. I don't want to tell him how I'm feeling because I feel like it's crazy and I don't want to scare him away. I don't want to mess anything up between us. I don't know what to do. I haven't seen him since he asked me out and I'm freaking out thinking I don't know how to act like his girlfriend. I'm so upset. What should I do, is this in any way normal?

posted by anon1129 to Human Relations (10 answers total)

Deep breath. Yes you are normal. You are also really young, please remember that. I don't mean to sound patronizing, but you will eventually be older and more mature... it's all a matter of going to sleep and waking up over and over again, us old folks aren't "better" than you, just more mature. Take this slowly and enjoy your experience.
posted by jeff-o-matic at 4:36 PM on October 15, 2014 [4 favorites]

Best answer: After five dates, trust me, he knows the real you.

The real you is the you that you are whenever you hang out with someone. It's possible to put on a pose or be on your best behavior for a few hours, but at this point, honestly, I feel like if someone hasn't decided whether they're into you after a month or so and several dates in different settings, they are a wishy washy flake you don't want to be with anyway.

Also, I will say that I have felt this way in the early stages of basically every relationship I've ever been in. I assume this is what people mean by the term limerance. It's that state where your thoughts race around from "OMG I LIKE HIM SO MUCH WHAT IF HE DOESN'T LIKE ME BACK LET ME LOOK AT EVERY TIME I TEXTED HIM AND SEE HOW LONG IT TOOK FOR HIM TO TEXT BACK" to "I'M TRASH I'M THE WORST WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT ME" to "WHAT ARE GIRLFRIEND DOES NOT COMPUTE" to "OMG WHAT IF HE LIKES A WEIRD SEX THING" and back around again until you feel like you might literally be crazy.

You're not crazy. And, yes, over time, you'll learn to recognize this feeling and just go with it, and it'll be easier to just be cool. I cringe thinking back at all the times I freaked the fuck out at some guy basically because I couldn't handle my own feelings. Just because, damn, there's a lot of power in those thoughts.

You are OK. Let it happen. It's going to be fine.
posted by Sara C. at 5:11 PM on October 15, 2014 [22 favorites]

Best answer: Do this. Be yourself starting now. Instead of asking him what he wants. tell him what you want. Play no games, don't fret.

You will be refreshing because you're you! People want to be with other people. Great guys like real women, not Barbie dolls. He doesn't expect you to be perfect, or to not fart or to say just the right thing. You're allowed to spend too much time in the bathroom, or hang out in sweats with no makeup on the weekend.

As for the anxiety of all of it, keep your expectations low. You're boyfriend and girlfriend. You'll date each other and ask each other important questions and share your experiences, and tell stories about yourselves. At some point it will work out, or it might not. Either way, you'll survive.

Don't invest too much up front, and don't rate yourself based on what others, especially your boyfriend. Learn more about him, have fun. Live.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:22 PM on October 15, 2014 [3 favorites]

Also keep in mind that he is probably having some of the same thoughts. He is not perfect, no matter how cool and knowledgeable and great he seems right now. He knows he has flaws and that you have not discovered them yet. You will in time.

Don't lose yourself. Don't let the mad rush of limerance turn you into someone you're not.
posted by caryatid at 5:43 PM on October 15, 2014

Best answer: For your own sake, stop doing this: "we watched movies at his house." Give yourself more time with the hiking and the ice cream and the stupid archery lessons and the specific-activity-things where you are out in the world and can focus on doing things.

This will help ground you, I think, and make you feel like a really awesome person, so cool and knowledgeable, and able to have fun and relax and build up a history of having been a really awesome person who is cool and relaxed.

Your anxiety and depression and working against you here. Having scheduled, formal activities instead of cocooning will be great for you.

Slow and steady wins the race.

(If money is an issue - there have got to be some free things around. Festivals, weird public contests, things where you as a couple can be out and about and doing something other than gazing into each other eyes which he will enjoy and you will freak out about because that gives you plenty of time to listen to anxiety and depression.)

(And if you are seriously suffering from anxiety and depression, that fact that these have ramped up need to be discussed with your healthcare providers. And don't let them put it all off as a side effect of romance. Might be, but if you have a medical issue, get medical help for that.)
posted by Lesser Shrew at 5:45 PM on October 15, 2014 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Hi, I am 50 and sometimes I still have these thoughts.

What works for me is to keep busy and focus on something else until the thoughts pass. Because they will pass.

Busy for you can mean exercise, watching your favorite TV show, cleaning the heck out of your house, getting involved in some hobby, walking a dog, reading a book, or looking up stuff on the internet (sub for reading a book). It should be something that fully engages your attention, tho'.

Lately, I have been very much into cooking and then I realized I was neglecting the house part so I took a day to be involved in cleaning and getting things done on that level (my kitchen is always clean, but I have cats, and even tho' I scoop every day, they make other messes, food dishes, carpet barfs, etc.). I got down on the rug and scrubbed the hell out of some old cat stains, which I had cleaned before but needed tending to, did some other things, etc.

YMMV but the answer for me to these unwelcome thoughts is always physical activity (accomplishment, hey, I did something!) followed by some intense study of something weird and unusual that will keep my brain occupied. Today I learned that chicken gizzards contain rennet, which is used in cheese making, and ladies of old used gizzards in place of eggs to make custard. Who knew? But it kept me from freaking out and that's all I care about.

Good luck with your new man and keep on keepin' on, sister. You will get through it.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 5:55 PM on October 15, 2014 [9 favorites]

I think one helpful thing you can do is make plans to see him. Like, definitely this weekend or maybe sooner if you can. And then see him a few times next week, too. I think this might be helpful because it will give you some concrete evidence that oh yeah, this is a nice guy you like spending time with and he likes spending time with you, nothing has changed just because you've decided to formally recognize that fact. Give your brain something to work on other than your worst case scenarios and anxiety about the future. I also think you shouldn't rush into taking the relationship further physically, just to give your brain a break from the new! Relationship! Ahh! What does it mean! cycle of crazy that Sara C. described above.

But for real, this is super normal but if you're having trouble dealing with the overwhelmingness of it all, given that you've been having trouble with anxiety and depression lately, you should reach out to whatever network of support you have for that. I hope you have a therapist or health care provider in there, but even if you don't, reach out to friends or family or whoever you talk to about this stuff other than AskMe.
posted by MadamM at 5:56 PM on October 15, 2014 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I think everyone feels this way at least at one time or another. For me, the transition between feeling young about relationships and feeling old about relationships was this realization:

if he doesn't like the real you, then he's not right for you - which is the sort of thing it's best to know as soon as possible so that you can stop wasting your time with someone who doesn't like the real you.

When you start thinking that no one could like the real you or that you'd rather be with someone and pretend to be someone you're not just so you don't have to be alone anymore, then you need to be trying as hard as you can to address your self esteem issues. It sounds like you got some perspective when you broke off the last relationship on what happened when you lost yourself in it and didn't make sure you had friends and activities outside of the relationship - don't lose that perspective now! When you find yourself in a worrying circle about this guy, try to redirect that energy towards one of the activities or friends that you want to keep up with, because honestly having a life and having things you love is going to be part of what makes you attractive to other people, so it's not just a way to avoid the issue, it's a solution to the problem.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 7:28 PM on October 15, 2014 [8 favorites]

take it in a good way. the things you worry about means he's really someone great. be grateful and things will work out. he certainly knows you are 21 and he certainly should have the knowledge to have the appropriate expectation for you. if he wants someone more mature he wouldn't ask you to be his girlfriend. just trust him and have faith in yourself. it's gonna be great
posted by Freyaaaa at 7:59 PM on October 15, 2014

First, its okay to freak out.

Second, there are ways to cope. I'd start on coping by reading a really good book called Intimate Connections by Dr. David Burns and doing the exercises for a few months.

But there are things you can do now. Start by setting a designated freak out time during the day. Go to a coffee shop and indulge those fantasies. Then drop it.

But what to do during the day when they come up. I suggest acknowledgement and release. It works like this: when you're having the panicky feelings, acknowledge them--say to yourself "I'm having the panicky feelings." Don't try to solve them in your mind or distract yourself. Literally allow the bad feelings to flow through your body. Allow yourself to feel the physical discomfort fully. Then let them go. Stop thinking about them for a moment.

They will come back--in 5 seconds, 5 minutes or 5 hours. Then repeat the process. Slowly, over time, you'll notice that the feelings decline.

Also go ahead and share those tough feelings with your shiny new boyfriend. He likes you a lot and would be happy to reassure you about your issues, probably by listening, reassuring, and a lot of compliments and affection.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:57 AM on October 16, 2014 [2 favorites]