Asking off from work because you're severely depressed
October 4, 2014 12:04 AM Subscribe
Two or three times a month, I have really bad days with my depression and want desperately to go home, unable to fathom how I'm going to get through the rest of the wretched day, but of course the stigma is just too great and I can't tell anyone, so I just have to deal with it and push through until 5 o-clock. Is this how it has to be? I can't say I feel physically ill or have an emergency because of the regularity with which I have these days. Thanks everyone for any advice or comments you might have.
Is it ever not completely stupid and disastrous to tell your boss and co-workers that you're feeling horrible today and you really need to stay home or go home early? Is it just a practical impossibility? Is there anything at all you can do?
[I understand some of this depends on your workplace culture and what not. I work in a standard office with standard norms. Also, I'm being treated for my depression.]
Is it ever not completely stupid and disastrous to tell your boss and co-workers that you're feeling horrible today and you really need to stay home or go home early? Is it just a practical impossibility? Is there anything at all you can do?
[I understand some of this depends on your workplace culture and what not. I work in a standard office with standard norms. Also, I'm being treated for my depression.]
While I am sympathetic to taking time off for any illness, including depression, I
A) wouldn't tell my boss it was depression specifically. I would just say I was ill;
B) wouldn't expect to regularly take three days off each month due to illness.
If you are feeling so bad that you are considering leaving work three days each week, then your depression has not been adequately controlled.
If you need to take some time off to get your depression under control, then I would encourage you to do so. Again, you don't need to go into specifics; just say (truthfully) that you have a medical condition that needs treatment. But I don't think you should plan on taking regular days off each month due to depression.
Finally, I feel like I should point out that while depression often makes us want to isolate ourselves, giving in to this feeling isn't likely to do much good. If you can push through, I think you should--not because this isn't a real illness or because I doubt you when you say you feel horrible or because I think you should buck up and be strong, but because I think isolating yourself has the potential to make your depression worse.
posted by girl flaneur at 12:23 AM on October 4, 2014 [27 favorites]
A) wouldn't tell my boss it was depression specifically. I would just say I was ill;
B) wouldn't expect to regularly take three days off each month due to illness.
If you are feeling so bad that you are considering leaving work three days each week, then your depression has not been adequately controlled.
If you need to take some time off to get your depression under control, then I would encourage you to do so. Again, you don't need to go into specifics; just say (truthfully) that you have a medical condition that needs treatment. But I don't think you should plan on taking regular days off each month due to depression.
Finally, I feel like I should point out that while depression often makes us want to isolate ourselves, giving in to this feeling isn't likely to do much good. If you can push through, I think you should--not because this isn't a real illness or because I doubt you when you say you feel horrible or because I think you should buck up and be strong, but because I think isolating yourself has the potential to make your depression worse.
posted by girl flaneur at 12:23 AM on October 4, 2014 [27 favorites]
Don't do it. Power through it. All giving in does is make it worse, guaranteed - every time you give it, it ups the odds it will happen more often.
Seek help, seek medication, seek something. Because you're aware what's causing these feelings, take action to fight them. Going home lets the depression win.
posted by stormyteal at 12:58 AM on October 4, 2014 [14 favorites]
Seek help, seek medication, seek something. Because you're aware what's causing these feelings, take action to fight them. Going home lets the depression win.
posted by stormyteal at 12:58 AM on October 4, 2014 [14 favorites]
Depression is an illness which can certainly be a legitimate cause of workplace absence. But local culture and local labour laws are going to determine how useful that fact is to you. One thing I'd strongly consider exploring is some sort of flexitime arrangement, if your employer is amenable.
Just as significantly, I think this is something that you should raise with your healthcare provider before taking any action on. I have always found that my depression is worse when I isolate myself or feel like I've let people down. Which leads to me further isolating myself and doing things which make me feel like I've let people down.
Like a lot of depressives, I think, I have found that a useful survival strategy is becoming very sceptical of my own immediate apparent desires. Sometimes it turns out that treating those desires as my own is a less useful metaphor than regarding them as the desires of a disease that wants to get me in a room alone and kill me, to borrow Harvey Fierstein's description. Sometimes, when it gets bad, I feel like George in the Seinfeld episode 'The Opposite'. In your position (which I've, with minimal differences, been in), I would be very wary of my feelings that I needed to not be at work.
None of which is to say that you would not benefit from time off or scheduling flexibility, just that I'd suggest as much supported consideration of the potential effects as possible.
posted by howfar at 1:12 AM on October 4, 2014 [30 favorites]
Just as significantly, I think this is something that you should raise with your healthcare provider before taking any action on. I have always found that my depression is worse when I isolate myself or feel like I've let people down. Which leads to me further isolating myself and doing things which make me feel like I've let people down.
Like a lot of depressives, I think, I have found that a useful survival strategy is becoming very sceptical of my own immediate apparent desires. Sometimes it turns out that treating those desires as my own is a less useful metaphor than regarding them as the desires of a disease that wants to get me in a room alone and kill me, to borrow Harvey Fierstein's description. Sometimes, when it gets bad, I feel like George in the Seinfeld episode 'The Opposite'. In your position (which I've, with minimal differences, been in), I would be very wary of my feelings that I needed to not be at work.
None of which is to say that you would not benefit from time off or scheduling flexibility, just that I'd suggest as much supported consideration of the potential effects as possible.
posted by howfar at 1:12 AM on October 4, 2014 [30 favorites]
Are you keeping up with your work goals? I would be a lot more flexible with an employee who was otherwise excellent and meeting all their goals, where three afternoons early leave that they were willing to take as unpaid leave didn't impact on their overall performance, sure. Imagine you were asking for a training course for similar time off (as unpaid leave once you'd exhausted your medical and annual leave), then it would be a reasonable request to negotiate.
If you're already struggling to keep up at work, then this would be a tough sell unless you work for a fantastic employer or have an unusually sympathetic supervisor.
My somewhat sneaky suggestion is to sidestep depression and say that you have occasional severe migraines, necessitating early absence. I do have migraines and they're pretty bloody awful, but I work flexible hours anyway - however, I would need to make this kind of arrangement if I went to work for someone else regularly because the medication doesn't always work well enough that I can stay upright.
I also agree that going home to bed is probably not good self-care, compared to taking yourself to a swimming pool, beach or park to do some kind of quiet restorative activity. You should talk to your therapist to plan a helpful alternative before talking to your supervisor.
posted by viggorlijah at 3:45 AM on October 4, 2014
If you're already struggling to keep up at work, then this would be a tough sell unless you work for a fantastic employer or have an unusually sympathetic supervisor.
My somewhat sneaky suggestion is to sidestep depression and say that you have occasional severe migraines, necessitating early absence. I do have migraines and they're pretty bloody awful, but I work flexible hours anyway - however, I would need to make this kind of arrangement if I went to work for someone else regularly because the medication doesn't always work well enough that I can stay upright.
I also agree that going home to bed is probably not good self-care, compared to taking yourself to a swimming pool, beach or park to do some kind of quiet restorative activity. You should talk to your therapist to plan a helpful alternative before talking to your supervisor.
posted by viggorlijah at 3:45 AM on October 4, 2014
I'm with stormyteal, up to a point. But if you're being treated and sometimes you still have depression so crushing you just can't deal with work... well, sometimes that's just how it is.
I like calling it migraines. The nice thing about that is that you can use it as an excuse on the job too. "Sorry if I seem crabby. Migraines again." It's a fib, but fuck it. Depression is a real illness, and one that's unfairly stigmatized. It's not like you're fibbing so you can go party. You're just substituting the name of one illness for another.
Do not tell your boss or co-workers you're depressed. Only share that stuff with real friends.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 4:12 AM on October 4, 2014 [9 favorites]
I like calling it migraines. The nice thing about that is that you can use it as an excuse on the job too. "Sorry if I seem crabby. Migraines again." It's a fib, but fuck it. Depression is a real illness, and one that's unfairly stigmatized. It's not like you're fibbing so you can go party. You're just substituting the name of one illness for another.
Do not tell your boss or co-workers you're depressed. Only share that stuff with real friends.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 4:12 AM on October 4, 2014 [9 favorites]
Is your office culture very strict about physical attendance? If you work in a job that's possible to do remotely, that might be an option. Can you ask your boss if it would be possible to work from home a couple of times a month because you just need to work without any type of distractions? It's not completely true, but I don't know if I'd say it's completely false, if being at work is making you think of nothing but going home, that's pretty distracting.
Otherwise, although you say you can't say it's an emergency because an emergency 2-3 days every month like clockwork is... obvious, can you just say you suffer from some type of illness that requires a couple of days off without specifying what it is? Are you entitled to that much sick leave? I had a boss who refused to get us health insurance but he gave us a stipend, so I went to the hospital every single week just to use it. He wanted to know what I kept going to the hospital for every weekend, but I just didn't tell him. If you're entitled to that amount of time off I think you should be able to take it without giving specifics.
posted by Enchanting Grasshopper at 4:22 AM on October 4, 2014
Otherwise, although you say you can't say it's an emergency because an emergency 2-3 days every month like clockwork is... obvious, can you just say you suffer from some type of illness that requires a couple of days off without specifying what it is? Are you entitled to that much sick leave? I had a boss who refused to get us health insurance but he gave us a stipend, so I went to the hospital every single week just to use it. He wanted to know what I kept going to the hospital for every weekend, but I just didn't tell him. If you're entitled to that amount of time off I think you should be able to take it without giving specifics.
posted by Enchanting Grasshopper at 4:22 AM on October 4, 2014
Are you in the States? If so, go to HR and talk about FMLA leave. If you arrange it ahead of time with the proper documentation, you can use FMLA leave for sporadic days when your illness is overwhelming.
Absolutely do this and have everything lined up through HR before your boss is informed (through HR) of your occasional need for FMLA days; even discuss with HR the need to keep your boss informed only of the basics. Depression is a real illness, but unfortunately a lot of people still don't understand that and you don't need to run the risk of having a boss who doesn't understand it until you can start to get this more under control.
posted by mibo at 4:41 AM on October 4, 2014 [9 favorites]
Absolutely do this and have everything lined up through HR before your boss is informed (through HR) of your occasional need for FMLA days; even discuss with HR the need to keep your boss informed only of the basics. Depression is a real illness, but unfortunately a lot of people still don't understand that and you don't need to run the risk of having a boss who doesn't understand it until you can start to get this more under control.
posted by mibo at 4:41 AM on October 4, 2014 [9 favorites]
The "Standard Norms" of most offices would not include 24 to 36 sick days per year without some repercussion. And, if you take that many days off for your depression, and then factor in normal colds/flu/other illness, and you're way, way over the acceptable amount.
Continue to seek treatment, work with your therapist around this specific issue (wanting to leave work), and develop some techniques (that don't require going home from work) to address these feelings when they happen.
And.. I agree, the less you let the depression debilitate you, the less power you give it.. Good for you for being able to "power through" as you have!
posted by HuronBob at 4:45 AM on October 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
Continue to seek treatment, work with your therapist around this specific issue (wanting to leave work), and develop some techniques (that don't require going home from work) to address these feelings when they happen.
And.. I agree, the less you let the depression debilitate you, the less power you give it.. Good for you for being able to "power through" as you have!
posted by HuronBob at 4:45 AM on October 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
We have a fairly good leave policy where I work, but three days a month would be a strain on my sick and personal leave allotments, and would definitely be noticed and commented on, to the point I might need to have a talk with HR to look at alternative leave options (FMLA as mentioned, for example, and some employers have other pools of leave that people can access in difficult situations). Doing so would definitely require medical documentation and maybe some level of supervisory approval -- in the past, I've had to sign off when an employee needed accommodation, though there might also be options that automatically override the immediate supervisor. (And I've always said yes to those requests, so I don't know what the process is if there is a refusal or other complications, also.)
Anecdotally, my observation is that people with chronic pain conditions, depression, fibromylagia, and other kinds of ongoing or intermittent conditions tend to find ways to "power through" the bad days and reach informal accommodations with their immediate supervisors and coworkers; they also usually work with their doctors on managing the most acute symptoms in order to be able to at least make it through the work day as the first priority, and then finding long term solutions second. The stigma people mentioned above is very real and I would be very careful about what you say and to whom.
Also anecdotally, this is an argument for moving up or sideways into a position where you have more control over your time. My staff has to account for their time to me pretty granularly, but all I need to do is send an informal email or text to let my supervisor know that I'll be working from home or unavailable today but working Saturday instead. That's not fair at all and in a perfect world that kind of flexibility would be available to everyone (and in fact I give my staff way more flexibility than the rules allow for), but it's true of a lot of people I know in a bunch of different organizations. Getting yourself out of a situation where it's a big deal if you take an afternoon off here and there, as long as you are maintaining productivity and high quality work overall, can take a lot of stress out of the kind of issue you are describing.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:14 AM on October 4, 2014 [4 favorites]
Anecdotally, my observation is that people with chronic pain conditions, depression, fibromylagia, and other kinds of ongoing or intermittent conditions tend to find ways to "power through" the bad days and reach informal accommodations with their immediate supervisors and coworkers; they also usually work with their doctors on managing the most acute symptoms in order to be able to at least make it through the work day as the first priority, and then finding long term solutions second. The stigma people mentioned above is very real and I would be very careful about what you say and to whom.
Also anecdotally, this is an argument for moving up or sideways into a position where you have more control over your time. My staff has to account for their time to me pretty granularly, but all I need to do is send an informal email or text to let my supervisor know that I'll be working from home or unavailable today but working Saturday instead. That's not fair at all and in a perfect world that kind of flexibility would be available to everyone (and in fact I give my staff way more flexibility than the rules allow for), but it's true of a lot of people I know in a bunch of different organizations. Getting yourself out of a situation where it's a big deal if you take an afternoon off here and there, as long as you are maintaining productivity and high quality work overall, can take a lot of stress out of the kind of issue you are describing.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:14 AM on October 4, 2014 [4 favorites]
Does your depression involve anxiety? If so, doctors will sometimes prescribe anti-anxiety medications to take "as needed" when symptoms are at their worst.
posted by XMLicious at 5:24 AM on October 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by XMLicious at 5:24 AM on October 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
OP, the struggle is real and I hope you're able to find a solution that fits your life. I can't comment on recommendations, just to offer my support and let you know that it does get better, and it will.
posted by lunastellasol at 6:17 AM on October 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by lunastellasol at 6:17 AM on October 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
I have two former coworkers who both use FMLA time off because they have depression. One is now having a hard time of it because there's a new HR person. So, it may work out well if your HR and boss know the law and aren't dickheads. But, the wrong HR person could definitely try to screw you over, law be damned.
posted by vespabelle at 7:03 AM on October 4, 2014
posted by vespabelle at 7:03 AM on October 4, 2014
As an HR (payroll) person with extensive FMLA/leave-of-absence experience, I completely agree with mibo. If you're in the states, get an intermittent FMLA application from probably your HR (at my company there's an internal website you can just download it from), take it to your doctor, and send it back in to your HR for approval. Once it's approved you just have to say you're leaving for FMLA reasons and you're good to go. Your supervisor/coworkers do not need to know what exactly the FMLA reason is.
posted by agress at 7:23 AM on October 4, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by agress at 7:23 AM on October 4, 2014 [6 favorites]
I've been in your shoes - calling in sick 3 or 4 days a month. That was when my depression wasn't being treated *at* *all*.
Finally found doctor #3 who found the drug cocktail that worked for me, and like others mention above, PRNs for anxiety can be a god-send.
Your head doctor absolutely needs to know that whatever you're doing now isn't working the way it should, and the next step after your doctor is HR.
Also, have a look at your insurance card and other benefits docs. There's likely a phone number for an "Employee Assistance Line". They're there for exactly the kind of issue you're describing, and can help advise you.
Additionally, you may have access to some kind of multi-week outpatient or partial-hospital program. You can take a couple weeks off on FMLA or temporary disability depending on your state, and spend those weeks with MFTs, nurses, and your doctor, really getting everything under control.
Good luck.
posted by colin_l at 7:56 AM on October 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
Finally found doctor #3 who found the drug cocktail that worked for me, and like others mention above, PRNs for anxiety can be a god-send.
Your head doctor absolutely needs to know that whatever you're doing now isn't working the way it should, and the next step after your doctor is HR.
Also, have a look at your insurance card and other benefits docs. There's likely a phone number for an "Employee Assistance Line". They're there for exactly the kind of issue you're describing, and can help advise you.
Additionally, you may have access to some kind of multi-week outpatient or partial-hospital program. You can take a couple weeks off on FMLA or temporary disability depending on your state, and spend those weeks with MFTs, nurses, and your doctor, really getting everything under control.
Good luck.
posted by colin_l at 7:56 AM on October 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
It's worth noting that not everyone is eligible for FMLA (details vary by state, but usually you need to have worked at the place for 12 months and the business needs to have more than 50 employees, plus other requirements), and that what it guarantees is a set amount of unpaid leave and the promise that you get an equivalent position when you come back. A lot of employers (including mine, which is otherwise very generous on leave policies) require that you use up all of your available leave (e.g. sick, vacation, etc) before accessing FMLA, and the employer can require proof of the medical issue. In a big employer that means you are dealing with HR and they notify the supervisor, but in a smaller place that doesn't have an HR department everything will be direct with the supervisor/owner/manager, which obviously raises privacy issues for many people.
And this stuff is obviously completely location-dependent. You need to look at the relevant rules for where you live, where you work, and that are relevant to your employment status; you may have much better options than what has been outlined here, or fewer, it's impossible for any of us to know.
posted by Dip Flash at 8:10 AM on October 4, 2014
And this stuff is obviously completely location-dependent. You need to look at the relevant rules for where you live, where you work, and that are relevant to your employment status; you may have much better options than what has been outlined here, or fewer, it's impossible for any of us to know.
posted by Dip Flash at 8:10 AM on October 4, 2014
Another detail about FMLA is that it doesn't give you the ability to not fulfill your job requirements. The FMLA requires your employer to make reasonable accommodations so that you can do your job, but it doesn't require them to change your job requirements. If your employer reasonably expects you to be available at certain hours of the day, then the FMLA doesn't require your employer to change that requirement. Essentially, the FMLA says, "if there is one small thing that the employer can do to make the employee do their job, the employer has to do it." It doesn't say the employer has to change essential parts of the employee's job.
You should also realize that medical discrimination is a real thing, even if it is an illegal thing. If your supervisor is opposed to your medical leave, even if that medical leave is entirely legal, there are a lot of ways your supervisor can make your life more difficult, even if those ways are entirely illegal. To be entirely honest, an employee that needs to leave work randomly is an employee that is impossible to schedule, can't be counted on to do any time-critical work, and can't have any customer contact. From a supervisor's perspective, you will become an employee to get rid of. Statements like "she doesn't fit in" or "he hasn't been meeting my performance goals" are almost impossible to allocate to medical discrimination, so your supervisor has leeway to deny you promotions and/or terminate you.
posted by saeculorum at 8:27 AM on October 4, 2014 [6 favorites]
You should also realize that medical discrimination is a real thing, even if it is an illegal thing. If your supervisor is opposed to your medical leave, even if that medical leave is entirely legal, there are a lot of ways your supervisor can make your life more difficult, even if those ways are entirely illegal. To be entirely honest, an employee that needs to leave work randomly is an employee that is impossible to schedule, can't be counted on to do any time-critical work, and can't have any customer contact. From a supervisor's perspective, you will become an employee to get rid of. Statements like "she doesn't fit in" or "he hasn't been meeting my performance goals" are almost impossible to allocate to medical discrimination, so your supervisor has leeway to deny you promotions and/or terminate you.
posted by saeculorum at 8:27 AM on October 4, 2014 [6 favorites]
Dip Flash has very good long-range advice about charting a path to a job where the clock on the wall isn't the important thing.
I have people working for me in a pretty rigid system, too, and also bend it as much as I can get away with. But here's the thing: I don't actually want to hear your story. I mean, as a friend, yeah I do care about you. But as a boss, it's only about the leave number and my ability to plan around you.
I don't think I've ever denied a leave request for any reason other than "you don't have any leave to use." It's your leave, use it how you want*. I don't need much more explanation than that. I would appreciate advanced warning and for you to have arranged all your collateral stuff to be taken care of for long enough for you to be gone. But that's just a matter of how much it annoys me, you're still going to get the time off.
* I may have to "counsel" you about your leave management, but you're not actually in trouble. It's just an attempt to head off trouble, if possible.
The problem is, it sounds like you're wanting to burn through way more than the allowed sick/annual leave you're given. There's nothing I can do if you don't have any leave to use, no matter how much I like you. Your story is only going to make me feel worse about denying the time off. The only thing you can do is go to HR and get an official FMLA ruling. Then we're good again.
posted by ctmf at 9:35 AM on October 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
I have people working for me in a pretty rigid system, too, and also bend it as much as I can get away with. But here's the thing: I don't actually want to hear your story. I mean, as a friend, yeah I do care about you. But as a boss, it's only about the leave number and my ability to plan around you.
I don't think I've ever denied a leave request for any reason other than "you don't have any leave to use." It's your leave, use it how you want*. I don't need much more explanation than that. I would appreciate advanced warning and for you to have arranged all your collateral stuff to be taken care of for long enough for you to be gone. But that's just a matter of how much it annoys me, you're still going to get the time off.
* I may have to "counsel" you about your leave management, but you're not actually in trouble. It's just an attempt to head off trouble, if possible.
The problem is, it sounds like you're wanting to burn through way more than the allowed sick/annual leave you're given. There's nothing I can do if you don't have any leave to use, no matter how much I like you. Your story is only going to make me feel worse about denying the time off. The only thing you can do is go to HR and get an official FMLA ruling. Then we're good again.
posted by ctmf at 9:35 AM on October 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
And 2nd saeculorum re: percieved retaliation. If your unpredictability starts becoming entirely predictable (i.e., your illness seems to frequently coincide with critical meetings or deadlines when people are counting on you,) you ARE going to get sidelined into a position where that doesn't hurt me. I will get HR to help me do that legally. That has nothing to do with a "stigma" or retaliation, it's self-preservation on my part.
But under normal routine circumstances, "Mind if I go home. I can't even today.": Sure. You want sick leave or annual? No hard feelings at all.
posted by ctmf at 9:49 AM on October 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
But under normal routine circumstances, "Mind if I go home. I can't even today.": Sure. You want sick leave or annual? No hard feelings at all.
posted by ctmf at 9:49 AM on October 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
I'm in the same boat, dealing with the same depression, mine comes with crushing anxiety that is hard to stifle and not act out on. My work is getting more intense with each week, the pressure is rising and the demands are becoming so large and critical that well, I am having some major internal panic pretty much every day I go to work.
With that backdrop I'll provide you a the type of dialog (recalled from memory, is not verbatim but is damn close) I had with my manager two days ago when I reached my breaking point and scared myself with the way I expressed some frustrations with how a project was being handled during a status conference call:
Me: I am reaching a point where the demands and constant interruptions are affecting my ability to stay calm and collected at work. I am concerned that this will soon begin to negatively affect my performance. I don't want that, so I want to talk about this and figure out communication tools and process changes we can use to help keep myself and others on track.
Manager: Yes, I agree, the intensity and demands have been increasing week over week for the past 6 weeks and show signs of only getting more so. What are the specific issues you have?
Me: Well, I feel like our organization makes large decisions very immediately. I get requests in to make decisions that affect future architectural choices, and I am not given enough time for due diligence to make sure we are thinking of all the requirements that need to go into the choice we make. What happens is that we miss something, only to discover that mistake 6 months later. When that happens I am then criticized for that mistake. I either need more time to make large architectural recommendations or I need to be allowed to make mistakes without being overly criticized. On a personal level this is triggering fear and anxiety in me that is becoming more and more difficult to overcome each week, and I am concerned about my ability to remain optimally functional in this environment.
Manager: Okay, I see that does happen quite a bit, you are expected to make recommendations in an hour-long conference call that alters the architectural directions we can take years into the future, I agree that is an unreasonable pressure.
Me: What helps is if I can get off the call, and have an hour or two of uninterrupted focus to really dig into the gaps and make the best recommendations possible.
Manager: Yes, because five minutes after the call we are pulled into a three-hour long "P0 all-hands-on-deck emergency" exercise that totally derails the thought train and takes time to recover from.
Me: Exactly.
Manager: and then two hours later the director is demanding your decision on his desk, a complete project plan with quotes, timelines and resources, and then being critical of you for not having it
Me: Yes, that really messes with my head, and I am struggling to maintain my cool under this pressure.
Manager: What should we do about that?
Me: Well, I am going to look into anti-anxiety medication to help me remain calm. I like my job, and I understand the pressures and demands are outstripping my ability to handle this job with my own natural biochemistry. So I am in the process of getting that sorted out, however, I also need support from my leadership. I need to be given time to make these massive decisions, and the constant criticism needs to be toned down a little.
Manager: I agree, so how about when we get all the last minute distracting demands we use terms like "I hear you, and we also have x and y and z that are priorities from this morning that need to be completed in the next hour, can we negotiate the expectations of the deliverables on the other tasks so we can be given enough time to focus on this one?" Also, let's stop using skype all the time. Let's work on going into "Do not disturb mode" Let's also work on not walking and looking at our phones, and use the time between meetings as time to prepare mentally for the next discussion.
Me: That sounds good. I like that, find small communication strategies to help calm the chaos, and change our own behaviors to be less micro-transactional.
Manager: Yup, now, for the work that's piled on your desk today, I'll go talk to the director. You focus on project Z and I'll negotiate more time for project x and y. And turn your skype off, I'll let the team know you are unavailable for the next two hours...
So, I think it is important to get at EXACTLY what it is at work that is triggering you, and own the solution. You aren't getting what you need. You need to own what's yours, fix that, and also be able to ask for your needs to be met as well. You are not a cog in the machine, you are a human being. Ask for your needs to be met in a sensible way and leadership will hear you. You don't have to suffer at work and you don't need to go home either. You need to find a responsible way to get your needs met.
posted by Annika Cicada at 10:02 AM on October 4, 2014 [9 favorites]
With that backdrop I'll provide you a the type of dialog (recalled from memory, is not verbatim but is damn close) I had with my manager two days ago when I reached my breaking point and scared myself with the way I expressed some frustrations with how a project was being handled during a status conference call:
Me: I am reaching a point where the demands and constant interruptions are affecting my ability to stay calm and collected at work. I am concerned that this will soon begin to negatively affect my performance. I don't want that, so I want to talk about this and figure out communication tools and process changes we can use to help keep myself and others on track.
Manager: Yes, I agree, the intensity and demands have been increasing week over week for the past 6 weeks and show signs of only getting more so. What are the specific issues you have?
Me: Well, I feel like our organization makes large decisions very immediately. I get requests in to make decisions that affect future architectural choices, and I am not given enough time for due diligence to make sure we are thinking of all the requirements that need to go into the choice we make. What happens is that we miss something, only to discover that mistake 6 months later. When that happens I am then criticized for that mistake. I either need more time to make large architectural recommendations or I need to be allowed to make mistakes without being overly criticized. On a personal level this is triggering fear and anxiety in me that is becoming more and more difficult to overcome each week, and I am concerned about my ability to remain optimally functional in this environment.
Manager: Okay, I see that does happen quite a bit, you are expected to make recommendations in an hour-long conference call that alters the architectural directions we can take years into the future, I agree that is an unreasonable pressure.
Me: What helps is if I can get off the call, and have an hour or two of uninterrupted focus to really dig into the gaps and make the best recommendations possible.
Manager: Yes, because five minutes after the call we are pulled into a three-hour long "P0 all-hands-on-deck emergency" exercise that totally derails the thought train and takes time to recover from.
Me: Exactly.
Manager: and then two hours later the director is demanding your decision on his desk, a complete project plan with quotes, timelines and resources, and then being critical of you for not having it
Me: Yes, that really messes with my head, and I am struggling to maintain my cool under this pressure.
Manager: What should we do about that?
Me: Well, I am going to look into anti-anxiety medication to help me remain calm. I like my job, and I understand the pressures and demands are outstripping my ability to handle this job with my own natural biochemistry. So I am in the process of getting that sorted out, however, I also need support from my leadership. I need to be given time to make these massive decisions, and the constant criticism needs to be toned down a little.
Manager: I agree, so how about when we get all the last minute distracting demands we use terms like "I hear you, and we also have x and y and z that are priorities from this morning that need to be completed in the next hour, can we negotiate the expectations of the deliverables on the other tasks so we can be given enough time to focus on this one?" Also, let's stop using skype all the time. Let's work on going into "Do not disturb mode" Let's also work on not walking and looking at our phones, and use the time between meetings as time to prepare mentally for the next discussion.
Me: That sounds good. I like that, find small communication strategies to help calm the chaos, and change our own behaviors to be less micro-transactional.
Manager: Yup, now, for the work that's piled on your desk today, I'll go talk to the director. You focus on project Z and I'll negotiate more time for project x and y. And turn your skype off, I'll let the team know you are unavailable for the next two hours...
So, I think it is important to get at EXACTLY what it is at work that is triggering you, and own the solution. You aren't getting what you need. You need to own what's yours, fix that, and also be able to ask for your needs to be met as well. You are not a cog in the machine, you are a human being. Ask for your needs to be met in a sensible way and leadership will hear you. You don't have to suffer at work and you don't need to go home either. You need to find a responsible way to get your needs met.
posted by Annika Cicada at 10:02 AM on October 4, 2014 [9 favorites]
Depression is a real illness, and I ope you are getting treatment. In addition, evidence is piling up in favor of exercise as a treatment. Monthly occurrences suggest severe PMS, for which there is also treatment.
Go to a doctor and go to HR. You have a disability, and a doctor can state that you do. HR can work with your supervisor, stating only that you have a chronic illness and need to use your sick time. You may be asked to apply for Family Medical Leave. You can tell coworkers you have a chronic illness, and if they press for details, just say Oh, the details are really unpleasant. You can suggest something like migraines or Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
But. It's my experience that staying home with depression makes my depression worse, except when the depression and anxiety was caused by a hellish work situation. I don't mean to be non-compassionate, but depression is a deceitful, vicious disease, and responding to it can be really counter-intuitive.
posted by theora55 at 10:04 AM on October 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
Go to a doctor and go to HR. You have a disability, and a doctor can state that you do. HR can work with your supervisor, stating only that you have a chronic illness and need to use your sick time. You may be asked to apply for Family Medical Leave. You can tell coworkers you have a chronic illness, and if they press for details, just say Oh, the details are really unpleasant. You can suggest something like migraines or Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
But. It's my experience that staying home with depression makes my depression worse, except when the depression and anxiety was caused by a hellish work situation. I don't mean to be non-compassionate, but depression is a deceitful, vicious disease, and responding to it can be really counter-intuitive.
posted by theora55 at 10:04 AM on October 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
Explore your legal rights -- FMLA, ADA, and analagous state and local laws. Intermittent FMLA leave is probably the mot fruitful path, but others may exist for you.
Be conscious of the risk of illegal retaliation for exercising the rights you may have, and make a judgment about whether your employer is the sort to do such things, and your appetite to fight for your rights.
But also recognize that any illness, to say the least of a mental illness, under such poor therapeutic control as to require you to miss several days of work a month is going to be a lawful, good faith obstacle to many job duties and career opportunities. If I were you the first thing I would do is go to my psychiatrist and say "this is not working for me -- how can I get healthier?"
posted by MattD at 10:05 AM on October 4, 2014 [7 favorites]
Be conscious of the risk of illegal retaliation for exercising the rights you may have, and make a judgment about whether your employer is the sort to do such things, and your appetite to fight for your rights.
But also recognize that any illness, to say the least of a mental illness, under such poor therapeutic control as to require you to miss several days of work a month is going to be a lawful, good faith obstacle to many job duties and career opportunities. If I were you the first thing I would do is go to my psychiatrist and say "this is not working for me -- how can I get healthier?"
posted by MattD at 10:05 AM on October 4, 2014 [7 favorites]
Monthly occurrences suggest severe PMS, for which there is also treatment.
Came here to say something like this. If you're female and these days are happening around the same time every month then you probably have PMDD. I have PMDD and Celexa has worked great for me.
posted by Jacqueline at 10:27 AM on October 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
Came here to say something like this. If you're female and these days are happening around the same time every month then you probably have PMDD. I have PMDD and Celexa has worked great for me.
posted by Jacqueline at 10:27 AM on October 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
As someone who has been depressed before, my real question is whether going home and having those days off will actually help. Will you feel worse skipping work and sitting at home by yourself? Will guilt get to you? Will going back to work the next day feel harder after having a taste of not having to go in? Or will the break give you a breather and let you re-energize yourself to go back into work? That is something you should think about. Because sometimes what a depressed person wants to do (regress from everything and be a recluse) actually only exacerbates the problem and makes them feel more alienated and more disabled.
As for your actual question, you can just say you're not feeling well. No one is going to ask. If it happens often, they will assume you have health problems. Mention that you are seeing doctors. If you want to explain regular absences, I probably wouldn't admit to depression, just because of the unfair stigma and misunderstanding attached, but you could say you get very severe migraines every so often and you are working with doctors to try to minimize their occurrence. People understand that migraines mean you can't stare at a computer screen (assuming that's part of your job) and make you nauseous.
Perhaps you can work out a deal to work from home three days a month. Play up noises and the office's bright lighting making you sick and say it would be easier to work remotely on those days where your migraines get bad. Telecommuting would be a good compromise for you and your office.
posted by AppleTurnover at 12:29 PM on October 4, 2014
As for your actual question, you can just say you're not feeling well. No one is going to ask. If it happens often, they will assume you have health problems. Mention that you are seeing doctors. If you want to explain regular absences, I probably wouldn't admit to depression, just because of the unfair stigma and misunderstanding attached, but you could say you get very severe migraines every so often and you are working with doctors to try to minimize their occurrence. People understand that migraines mean you can't stare at a computer screen (assuming that's part of your job) and make you nauseous.
Perhaps you can work out a deal to work from home three days a month. Play up noises and the office's bright lighting making you sick and say it would be easier to work remotely on those days where your migraines get bad. Telecommuting would be a good compromise for you and your office.
posted by AppleTurnover at 12:29 PM on October 4, 2014
I'm currently on intermittent FMLA for PTSD officially. Unofficially I have a host of problems (undiagnosed medical condition of some kind, PTSD, asthma, and so forth) I get Wednesdays off. I use that day for medical appointments (I have therapy, but I also see other doctors). It also allows me to refuel from exhaustion. Honestly, I think I work more with the day off because I DRAG so much on the days I am there without the rest. My workplace is awesome. And by awesome, I mean no questions asked ok here are the forms, approved in three days. 5 pages of paperwork filled out by my doctor. I used PTSD primarily because 1) I don't have a definitive diagnosis for whatever else is going on and 2) my psychiatrist was willing to fill out the paperwork first.
I'd really consider the work environment. For me it is a win win ALL around. I also have support from all my providers (Psychiatrist, Therapist, Group Therapist, PCP, GI, ETC) that this sounds like a great thing for me to do until we figure out what is wrong. There is no question in my case if it hindering my progress in my treatment.
Also, in my case the day off helps to solidify what time I am taking off. As I've had appointments ALL over the place recently, and a hospitalization within the last 3 months for GI issues. It helps my boss and I know exactly where I stand, instead two hours here, four hours there, a day here. I'm able to organize my life and job better to meet the demands of the job.
Also, if I have a good week, I don't have to take the time if I don't want too.
posted by AlexiaSky at 5:39 PM on October 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
I'd really consider the work environment. For me it is a win win ALL around. I also have support from all my providers (Psychiatrist, Therapist, Group Therapist, PCP, GI, ETC) that this sounds like a great thing for me to do until we figure out what is wrong. There is no question in my case if it hindering my progress in my treatment.
Also, in my case the day off helps to solidify what time I am taking off. As I've had appointments ALL over the place recently, and a hospitalization within the last 3 months for GI issues. It helps my boss and I know exactly where I stand, instead two hours here, four hours there, a day here. I'm able to organize my life and job better to meet the demands of the job.
Also, if I have a good week, I don't have to take the time if I don't want too.
posted by AlexiaSky at 5:39 PM on October 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I would DEFINITELY ABSOLUTELY with extra NO NO NO on top NOT tell a boss or coworkers I had to leave because I was depressed. Sounds like an excellent way of committing career suicide to me. There is still a stigma to depression, despite how common it is, and you don't want to take a chance that one or more of the people you tell will think you are shirking your duties because of a "not real" reason that you could avoid if you just bucked up.... or that you can't really do your job and should be fired/not promoted... at the very best you will be gossiped about in tones usually reserved for injured baby animals.
You likely do not need to disclose the nature of your illness. If you are gone so much that it starts to endanger your job, then perhaps you may need to discuss it confidentially with an HR person (along with documentation that you are getting treatment), but that's it. No way nohow would I spread this information around.
And yes, some people do indeed have to leave work with that kind of frequency because of physical, not mental, illnesses. Migraines come to mind. I wouldn't lie unless I were pressed--just leave the nature of the illness out. And try to do the bangest-uppest job you can possibly do on your good days to make up for it.
posted by mysterious_stranger at 12:08 AM on October 4, 2014 [13 favorites]