That's interesting underwear you've got there
July 7, 2014 5:09 PM Subscribe
I have a diaper fetish, and I've been wearing them 24/7 for the past 8 months. Tomorrow is my annual physical. I'm sure that doctors see patients in diapers all the time, but typically for incontinence issues. Naturally the diapers won't have been used before going in (I typically don't use them in public anyway), but is this crossing a professional line?
I try to justify this in that people wear all sorts of strange underwear in their personal lives. I've got a saint of a wife who supports my lifestyle, to the point that I don't have regular underwear in the house. My options are buying underwear, diapers, or going commando.
Could I just waive the below the pants portion of the physical? I do self-exams for testicular cancer quarterly. I'm not trying to convince anyone that I've got incontinence issues there, so will I get any pushback if I just say that I wear them as a bizarre personal choice?
I try to justify this in that people wear all sorts of strange underwear in their personal lives. I've got a saint of a wife who supports my lifestyle, to the point that I don't have regular underwear in the house. My options are buying underwear, diapers, or going commando.
Could I just waive the below the pants portion of the physical? I do self-exams for testicular cancer quarterly. I'm not trying to convince anyone that I've got incontinence issues there, so will I get any pushback if I just say that I wear them as a bizarre personal choice?
Sounds like a "no harm, no foul" case if I ever heard one. I don't know what your doctor will think about it, but it seems like they're paid enough to respect privacy.
posted by mr. digits at 5:14 PM on July 7, 2014
posted by mr. digits at 5:14 PM on July 7, 2014
My doctor has never watched me undress. I'm in a gown before she ever comes into the room. My clothes hang on the wall and she doesn't inspect them. You're fine, do you.
posted by janey47 at 5:15 PM on July 7, 2014 [8 favorites]
posted by janey47 at 5:15 PM on July 7, 2014 [8 favorites]
I don't know about a professional line, but it does seem like an unnecessary involvement of your doctor in a recreational preference they probably aren't expecting to take part of. That could result in, for them, anything from a blink and a shrug to a jovial conversation to them wondering if you are specifically trying to sort of hint at interest in involving them in your sexual life. It's sort of a crapshoot, since you have no idea how they'll personally feel about the choice to show up in a diaper when you knew they'd have a reasonable chance of being confronted with that choice.
I'd put it down to a couple of questions to ask myself: will it have any affect on my visit other than a break in routine to show up in underwear or commando? Am I wanting to specifically discuss with the doctor anything directly related to the choice to wear diapers recreationally? If the answer to both of those is no, it seems like the basic low-friction choice here is to skip the diaper for the physical regardless entirely of any secondary questions about personal or professional boundaries.
posted by cortex at 5:22 PM on July 7, 2014 [11 favorites]
I'd put it down to a couple of questions to ask myself: will it have any affect on my visit other than a break in routine to show up in underwear or commando? Am I wanting to specifically discuss with the doctor anything directly related to the choice to wear diapers recreationally? If the answer to both of those is no, it seems like the basic low-friction choice here is to skip the diaper for the physical regardless entirely of any secondary questions about personal or professional boundaries.
posted by cortex at 5:22 PM on July 7, 2014 [11 favorites]
I'd go commando. Sure she won't see you undress but what are you going to do with that used diaper (I'm assuming it would be dry, but still used). Throw it in the trash? They might need it disposed in a covered can or something. You can't just leave it sitting out, that's unhygienic. This is getting more akward the more I type. Just go commando.
posted by Aranquis at 5:23 PM on July 7, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by Aranquis at 5:23 PM on July 7, 2014 [7 favorites]
You can always opt out of any part of an exam you're uncomfortable with, or ask to change privately. If your doctor does find out about the diapers, they might check in with you about why you wear them and that you're being sanitary about it, but any censuring would be grounds to find a new doctor, as far as I'd be concerned.
posted by teremala at 5:24 PM on July 7, 2014
posted by teremala at 5:24 PM on July 7, 2014
If the doctor comes in and you're sitting there in a diaper, he or she will almost certainly ask if you have incontinence issues, because, you know, they're a doctor and will want to know if something is wrong with you.
To me it's kind of lousy to basically force them into a probably-uncomfortable-for-them conversation about your fetish.
Unless it's a vow-before-God kind of thing to be wearing them, don't.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:26 PM on July 7, 2014 [22 favorites]
To me it's kind of lousy to basically force them into a probably-uncomfortable-for-them conversation about your fetish.
Unless it's a vow-before-God kind of thing to be wearing them, don't.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:26 PM on July 7, 2014 [22 favorites]
Response by poster: Would you expect your doctor to unlock a chastity belt, undo a restrictive ball piercing, or unhook a collar in order to perform an exam? If not, then leave the diaper at home or ensure the doctor does not have to encounter it. They didn't consent to becoming involved in your fetish.
posted by Anonymous at 5:26 PM on July 7, 2014
posted by Anonymous at 5:26 PM on July 7, 2014
Nthing that the soul of fetish is consent, and, unless your doctor has given consent, you should do what you reasonably can to not involve them in your fetish. It's basic courtesy.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:35 PM on July 7, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:35 PM on July 7, 2014 [7 favorites]
Totally unprofessional patient behavior for you to involve the doctor in your fetish.
Buy a package of underwear.
(I'm fetish friendly, but this is silly of you. It's a medical appointment for your benefit. Don't do anything to distract the doctor's attention away from the importance of your continued good health.)
posted by jbenben at 5:39 PM on July 7, 2014 [46 favorites]
Buy a package of underwear.
(I'm fetish friendly, but this is silly of you. It's a medical appointment for your benefit. Don't do anything to distract the doctor's attention away from the importance of your continued good health.)
posted by jbenben at 5:39 PM on July 7, 2014 [46 favorites]
but is this crossing a professional line?
I try to justify this in that people wear all sorts of strange underwear in their personal lives.
But a fetish is pretty much something different though isn't it? Unless the actual fetish aspect is "I literally ALWAYS wear these" in which case yes, you are involving your doctor in your fetish and that's sort of 1) uncool or 2) you being weird about something that doesn't have to be weird. Look, diapers aren't my thing, but it's fine if they're your thing. But if they're your thing and not actually your reason for existence, then you need to make social accommodations for the fact that they are not always other people's things. This includes doctors and other people who need to come in contact with your nether reasons for reasons that are not some sort of mutual gratification.
You're being weird about this. Not because you have a diaper fetish (who cares!) but because you're making it weird. It's easier for kinky people to be kinky out in the world when there are not people being aggressive about involving other people in their kink. Don't be that guy. Handle this on your own.
posted by jessamyn at 5:49 PM on July 7, 2014 [44 favorites]
I try to justify this in that people wear all sorts of strange underwear in their personal lives.
But a fetish is pretty much something different though isn't it? Unless the actual fetish aspect is "I literally ALWAYS wear these" in which case yes, you are involving your doctor in your fetish and that's sort of 1) uncool or 2) you being weird about something that doesn't have to be weird. Look, diapers aren't my thing, but it's fine if they're your thing. But if they're your thing and not actually your reason for existence, then you need to make social accommodations for the fact that they are not always other people's things. This includes doctors and other people who need to come in contact with your nether reasons for reasons that are not some sort of mutual gratification.
You're being weird about this. Not because you have a diaper fetish (who cares!) but because you're making it weird. It's easier for kinky people to be kinky out in the world when there are not people being aggressive about involving other people in their kink. Don't be that guy. Handle this on your own.
posted by jessamyn at 5:49 PM on July 7, 2014 [44 favorites]
I realize that I should also add that I have about half a dozen genital piercings and the only time it has come up medically is when I've had to have them removed prior to surgery. The amount of fuck my internist gives is too low to be detected.
posted by janey47 at 5:53 PM on July 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by janey47 at 5:53 PM on July 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
As janey47 pointed out, you're supposed to fully undress yourself anyway. I don't see what the problem is if you're planning on removing the diaper before the exam. My doctor has never had to see my underwear, since I'm no longer wearing it by the time he comes in the room. It's just me in a gown, ready for him to do his job.
Leaving the diapers on, however? That would be crossing a line. You'd almost certainly have to take them off for the doctor to examine you properly anyway, there would be no logical reason to keep them on just for the doctor to see. If wanting the doctor to see is part of indulging your fetish, please don't. While I'm sure your doctor has seen it all, they still deserve respectful behavior from their patients.
posted by keep it under cover at 5:54 PM on July 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
Leaving the diapers on, however? That would be crossing a line. You'd almost certainly have to take them off for the doctor to examine you properly anyway, there would be no logical reason to keep them on just for the doctor to see. If wanting the doctor to see is part of indulging your fetish, please don't. While I'm sure your doctor has seen it all, they still deserve respectful behavior from their patients.
posted by keep it under cover at 5:54 PM on July 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
I try to justify this in that people wear all sorts of strange underwear in their personal lives.
Not to the doctor, they don't. Very few people get to engage in their fetishes all the time, and it's not reasonable or practical for you to expect to.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:55 PM on July 7, 2014 [11 favorites]
Not to the doctor, they don't. Very few people get to engage in their fetishes all the time, and it's not reasonable or practical for you to expect to.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:55 PM on July 7, 2014 [11 favorites]
I think it would be in your best interest to submit to the full exam, but when the time comes to get undressed simply ask for privacy. Most practitioners will oblige you without batting an eye. But to involve the doctor in your diaper-wearing would be unethical and inappropriate.
posted by Night_owl at 5:56 PM on July 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Night_owl at 5:56 PM on July 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
I try to justify this in that people wear all sorts of strange underwear in their personal lives.
Not to the doctor's office they don't! I've been involved in the fetish community for quite awhile and the ethic is definitely "do not involve others without their consent."
posted by desjardins at 5:57 PM on July 7, 2014 [13 favorites]
Not to the doctor's office they don't! I've been involved in the fetish community for quite awhile and the ethic is definitely "do not involve others without their consent."
posted by desjardins at 5:57 PM on July 7, 2014 [13 favorites]
Reading your question my first response is to question your varacity. Since there's no way to know either way, I'll assume you're telling the truth, and also that you are hoping to show your doctor that you wear diapers. If you have ever gone to a doctor, you probably have a sense of the norms of a doctors office. I don't bring my sexual fetishes to my doctor unless I have a specific question about sex, it seems blindingly obvious that the only reason you might have to wear diapers to the doctors office is to get off on your doctor seeing you in diapers.
You know the answer to your question.
posted by latkes at 6:00 PM on July 7, 2014 [14 favorites]
You know the answer to your question.
posted by latkes at 6:00 PM on July 7, 2014 [14 favorites]
Yeah, but it's like… If you have that particular fetish, why do you need to engage in it at the doctor's office? If someone was interested in some novel sex toys there wouldn't be any reason to bring them along to the doctor's office. Same with the diaper. It seems appropriate in an intimate setting with someone who is into it and I don't see why it's an undue burden to buy a package (or pair) of underwear.
posted by mermily at 6:08 PM on July 7, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by mermily at 6:08 PM on July 7, 2014 [4 favorites]
You can't go a few hours without it? If you must, I would attempt to change in private. Perhaps bring a duffel bag to put your clothes in while in the exam room so the doctor does not see it.
But I highly agree with other posters that you shouldn't involve the doctor. He probably wouldn't care in the end, but surely you seem to see a slight problem with it if you're posting the question.
posted by christiehawk at 6:35 PM on July 7, 2014
But I highly agree with other posters that you shouldn't involve the doctor. He probably wouldn't care in the end, but surely you seem to see a slight problem with it if you're posting the question.
posted by christiehawk at 6:35 PM on July 7, 2014
Is it typical for you to be in your underwear in front of the doctor for this type of exam? Typically for an annual physical I (a woman) change in to a gown with no one in the room--if that were the case, no reason for the doctor to even know what you are wearing to the doctor's office either way--I don't typically leave my underdrawers visible when I change, tuck those suckers into your pants or bring a sack or whatever to stow them in while you are in the gown. No need to involve your doc in underthings choices at all unless there is a related medical problem.
I admit however that I have more than once been in my visible undies in front of the dermatologist for the annual mole patrol. If there is some reason for that to happen, yeah buy the underwear. As stated above, this is your fetish not your doctor's. It does indeed cross a line. If you have any concerns that the diapers may be causing some kind of medical problem (rash? I dunno?) then it is appropriate to bring that up, but even there no need to actually be wearing the diapers. Basic briefs are cheap and widely available.
posted by freejinn at 6:37 PM on July 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
I admit however that I have more than once been in my visible undies in front of the dermatologist for the annual mole patrol. If there is some reason for that to happen, yeah buy the underwear. As stated above, this is your fetish not your doctor's. It does indeed cross a line. If you have any concerns that the diapers may be causing some kind of medical problem (rash? I dunno?) then it is appropriate to bring that up, but even there no need to actually be wearing the diapers. Basic briefs are cheap and widely available.
posted by freejinn at 6:37 PM on July 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
No doctor has ever known what kind of underwear I've worn to their office - you've usually already changed by the time they get there, and if you haven't, they leave the room for you to do so.
You know if you wear a diaper to the doctor it will make the situation awkward. And you know that you'll get asked invasive questions about what you're wearing. You also know you'll have to respond that you wear a diaper for pleasure - not for necessity. So...the only reason to wear them to your doctor would be to discuss this fetish with your doctor. Is that something you want to do? If so, why? If not, don't wear a diaper.
If you're asking if you should involve your doctor in your fetish, the answer is no. But if you're wanting to discuss it with your doctor, you ought to seek out someone more qualified than a general practitioner; a therapist or the like would be a much better doctor to 'expose' this aspect of yourself to.
posted by stubbehtail at 6:40 PM on July 7, 2014
You know if you wear a diaper to the doctor it will make the situation awkward. And you know that you'll get asked invasive questions about what you're wearing. You also know you'll have to respond that you wear a diaper for pleasure - not for necessity. So...the only reason to wear them to your doctor would be to discuss this fetish with your doctor. Is that something you want to do? If so, why? If not, don't wear a diaper.
If you're asking if you should involve your doctor in your fetish, the answer is no. But if you're wanting to discuss it with your doctor, you ought to seek out someone more qualified than a general practitioner; a therapist or the like would be a much better doctor to 'expose' this aspect of yourself to.
posted by stubbehtail at 6:40 PM on July 7, 2014
I think you should wear normal underwear, not for your doctor's sake but YOURS.
Doctors are just as biased as anyone else - don't for a second think that all patients get equal treatment regardless of age, race, class, size, level of education, "weird" fetishes, etc, etc. The data is clear that plenty of discrimination happens within the healthcare system and the consequences for the consumer's health are very real.
Maybe you're lucky and you have a fetish-friendly doctor with fetish-friendly staff and everyone who has access to your health records now and forever is wonderfully open-minded about this sort of thing, but I wouldn't risk it.
posted by horizons at 6:47 PM on July 7, 2014 [13 favorites]
Doctors are just as biased as anyone else - don't for a second think that all patients get equal treatment regardless of age, race, class, size, level of education, "weird" fetishes, etc, etc. The data is clear that plenty of discrimination happens within the healthcare system and the consequences for the consumer's health are very real.
Maybe you're lucky and you have a fetish-friendly doctor with fetish-friendly staff and everyone who has access to your health records now and forever is wonderfully open-minded about this sort of thing, but I wouldn't risk it.
posted by horizons at 6:47 PM on July 7, 2014 [13 favorites]
Sounds like a good way to get poor treatment and possibly not be seen again.
posted by turbid dahlia at 7:16 PM on July 7, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by turbid dahlia at 7:16 PM on July 7, 2014 [3 favorites]
If I were a friend of yours answering this question I would express concern that your "fetish" has actually crossed the line into becoming a compulsion (since it seems to be difficult for you to set it aside in a circumstance where it's quite clearly not appropriate). That would not be good for your mental health and maybe a kink-friendly therapist could help you sort the issue out.
posted by threeants at 7:32 PM on July 7, 2014 [15 favorites]
posted by threeants at 7:32 PM on July 7, 2014 [15 favorites]
> what are you going to do with that used diaper (I'm assuming it would be dry, but still used). Throw it in the trash
That wouldn't be legal where I live, and might not be where you live either. People are required to take diapers home, where it's presumed they'll dispose of them properly. (Which they won't, but that's the law.) One more reason for "just take a break and go commando."
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:01 PM on July 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
That wouldn't be legal where I live, and might not be where you live either. People are required to take diapers home, where it's presumed they'll dispose of them properly. (Which they won't, but that's the law.) One more reason for "just take a break and go commando."
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:01 PM on July 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
I honestly don't understand, and ignore what follows if it is just hopelessly naive.
If your point is to show the doctor your diapers, I might agree with the concern that others have raised. But you say that you were willing to waive the below-the-belt part of the exam, which would suggest that is not your objective, and instead that you seek simply to keep your streak alive -- or to keep doing your thing. If that is the case, then I don't see how we need to worry that the doctor "has not consented to involvement in your fetish." It would be one thing if you asked the doctor to do something affirmatively, or if you performed more overtly. Based on what you said, though, it seems no more a nonconsensual participation than, say, any other form of witness.
Even if we assume you enjoy being discovered, distinguishing on that basis would suggest that no patient who enjoys disrobing -- even your run-of-the-mill nudist -- should impose that on an examining physician. Perhaps it would be different if your thing were repulsive or shocking, but as long as you're arriving all fresh, I can't see how this qualifies.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 8:04 PM on July 7, 2014
If your point is to show the doctor your diapers, I might agree with the concern that others have raised. But you say that you were willing to waive the below-the-belt part of the exam, which would suggest that is not your objective, and instead that you seek simply to keep your streak alive -- or to keep doing your thing. If that is the case, then I don't see how we need to worry that the doctor "has not consented to involvement in your fetish." It would be one thing if you asked the doctor to do something affirmatively, or if you performed more overtly. Based on what you said, though, it seems no more a nonconsensual participation than, say, any other form of witness.
Even if we assume you enjoy being discovered, distinguishing on that basis would suggest that no patient who enjoys disrobing -- even your run-of-the-mill nudist -- should impose that on an examining physician. Perhaps it would be different if your thing were repulsive or shocking, but as long as you're arriving all fresh, I can't see how this qualifies.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 8:04 PM on July 7, 2014
My doctor has never watched me undress. I'm in a gown before she ever comes into the room. My clothes hang on the wall and she doesn't inspect them.
Since the asker mentions testicular exams I'm assuming he's male, and I'll just note that often doctors are a lot more casual and less scripted with men than the normal women's annual with the robe and all that. I've had a couple of surprise "hey, since you are here anyway..." prostate checks, and countless unannounced testicular checks, none of which involved robes, bringing in an observer, or anything more than drop your trousers right then and stand there with them around your ankles while trying to make small talk. (They do at least look away while you clean up after the prostate check, though, so be thankful for small dignities.)
I'd be careful about assuming that answers true to one person's experience will necessarily hold true for another. Medical practices vary and so do the levels of formality, and very much so in terms of attitudes to male versus female nudity.
That said, the correct answer was way up above: it is not appropriate to involve unconsenting people in your fetish, period.
posted by Dip Flash at 8:11 PM on July 7, 2014 [5 favorites]
Since the asker mentions testicular exams I'm assuming he's male, and I'll just note that often doctors are a lot more casual and less scripted with men than the normal women's annual with the robe and all that. I've had a couple of surprise "hey, since you are here anyway..." prostate checks, and countless unannounced testicular checks, none of which involved robes, bringing in an observer, or anything more than drop your trousers right then and stand there with them around your ankles while trying to make small talk. (They do at least look away while you clean up after the prostate check, though, so be thankful for small dignities.)
I'd be careful about assuming that answers true to one person's experience will necessarily hold true for another. Medical practices vary and so do the levels of formality, and very much so in terms of attitudes to male versus female nudity.
That said, the correct answer was way up above: it is not appropriate to involve unconsenting people in your fetish, period.
posted by Dip Flash at 8:11 PM on July 7, 2014 [5 favorites]
Yeah, the last few medical appointments I've had did not involve robes. It's been basically "strip down to your underwear and I'll be back in a minute." Had I been commando it would have been a bit awkward. I could have asked for a robe, I guess, but who knows if maybe they just ran out that day?
posted by hydrophonic at 8:19 PM on July 7, 2014
posted by hydrophonic at 8:19 PM on July 7, 2014
As a health care professional I would be really uncomfortable with a patient wearing a diaper for fetish reasons during a physical exam that involves baring the genital area. Not because I have a problem with diaper fetishes, but because it would feel like an intrusion or an invitation. Physical exams are non-sexual events; having someone's fetish equipment present for it makes it a sexual event. I would be much more comfortable with you going commando, because that can just be a comfort preference.
I would also have to ask questions if a patient is wearing a diaper, to determine if they're having incontinence issues. So the fact that it is a kink is likely to become a topic of conversation. If it's something you want to talk to your doctor about, the way to do that is just to talk to your doctor about it. If it's not something you want to talk to your doc about, then you will have to discreetly shed the diaper for that part of the visit. You can absolutely ask to change in private or wave any portion of the exam you're uncomfortable with if that's what you'd rather do.
There's a non-zero chance that the diaper thing could end up in your medical records as well-- don't know how you feel about that. It's the sort of thing that easily gets slipped into the physical exam section: 'patient is wearing adult diaper but denies urinary or fecal incontinence, states it is a 'personal choice.'' Not all medical professionals are open-minded, and it could impact the quality of treatment you get down the line.
posted by bookish at 8:47 PM on July 7, 2014 [12 favorites]
I would also have to ask questions if a patient is wearing a diaper, to determine if they're having incontinence issues. So the fact that it is a kink is likely to become a topic of conversation. If it's something you want to talk to your doctor about, the way to do that is just to talk to your doctor about it. If it's not something you want to talk to your doc about, then you will have to discreetly shed the diaper for that part of the visit. You can absolutely ask to change in private or wave any portion of the exam you're uncomfortable with if that's what you'd rather do.
There's a non-zero chance that the diaper thing could end up in your medical records as well-- don't know how you feel about that. It's the sort of thing that easily gets slipped into the physical exam section: 'patient is wearing adult diaper but denies urinary or fecal incontinence, states it is a 'personal choice.'' Not all medical professionals are open-minded, and it could impact the quality of treatment you get down the line.
posted by bookish at 8:47 PM on July 7, 2014 [12 favorites]
You're bending over backwards to try to justify wearing diapers to see the doctor. It's not in any way appropriate so rather than try to justify it just don't do it. Nobody should be involving other people in their fetishes without prior consent and that's exactly what you'd be doing.
posted by Justinian at 9:06 PM on July 7, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by Justinian at 9:06 PM on July 7, 2014 [3 favorites]
If you have a diaper "fetish," which I assume is a sexual thing, why do you need to wear it to the doctor? Do you get off on the idea of wearing it in situations where you shouldn't or being discovered? Getting off on a doctor without their permission while they are just trying to do their job is violating and, well, pretty disgusting. Look, I don't care whatever consensual stuff you do on your own time. But the fact is, there are times to explore and indulge your sexual preferences and there are times where it's inappropriate. This is inappropriate.
If you feel the need to let this fetish run your life and permeate all parts of your being, I think think the fetish has veered from "normal deviation of human sexuality" to "disruptive paraphilia in need of treatment." You may wish to seek help from a therapist who can help with sexual issues. As stated above, just having a fetish isn't all that weird, but you're making it super weird here.
I don't know what happens with men, but as a woman have a physical exam, my doctor would absolutely know what kind of underwear I was wearing.
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:19 PM on July 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
If you feel the need to let this fetish run your life and permeate all parts of your being, I think think the fetish has veered from "normal deviation of human sexuality" to "disruptive paraphilia in need of treatment." You may wish to seek help from a therapist who can help with sexual issues. As stated above, just having a fetish isn't all that weird, but you're making it super weird here.
I don't know what happens with men, but as a woman have a physical exam, my doctor would absolutely know what kind of underwear I was wearing.
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:19 PM on July 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
Whoa, I don't think there's any evidence the OP wanted to the doctor to see the diaper out of some kind of exhibitionist fantasy, it just sounds like he doesn't want to break the streak of wearing them long-term. I also don't think that wearing a diaper instead of normal underwear is necessarily a symptom of being sexually out of control. I'd be concerned if he were sneaking off from work, or avoiding/sabotaging personal relationships, or doing risky/illegal things in order to indulge in his fetish. But as far as I can see the behavior he describes seems pretty tame and pretty unlikely to do him or anyone else any harm. I think he's probably just going through the honeymoon phase of enjoying something he's repressed for a long time. And I think that's fine as long as he's careful to maintain some boundaries.
Still, OP, you should leave the diaper at home this time. The difference between underwear and a diaper is that a lot of sexualized underwear has the benefit of being sort of socially invisible. It's often not immediately obvious that, say, someone's lycra underwear might have special significance for them, since it could also be worn because you're going to the gym later, for comfort, because it was cheap, or even because the laundry basket was empty and that's just what was left. There is at least some plausible deniability that someone who noticed it could use as a fig leaf in order to avoid seeing the situation in sexual terms. But that's not a luxury you have in this case. If you're not incontinent, there's not a whole lot of other explanations to fall back on, and I mean, if you're just leaving it as an anonymous "personal reason", people are totally going to read through the lines there and infer that there must be something sexual going on or else you would be more specific.
So yeah, like it or not, wearing a diaper here is going to read as "bringing up your kink" in this situation. Which doesn't mean it's anything to be ashamed of, just that you need to exercise some discretion so that people don't assume you're trying to involve them in your sex life.
And as a side note, I'm very happy for you that you have an understanding partner who you can be open about this with - that's a real gift.
posted by no-show black sockpuppet at 12:18 AM on July 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
Still, OP, you should leave the diaper at home this time. The difference between underwear and a diaper is that a lot of sexualized underwear has the benefit of being sort of socially invisible. It's often not immediately obvious that, say, someone's lycra underwear might have special significance for them, since it could also be worn because you're going to the gym later, for comfort, because it was cheap, or even because the laundry basket was empty and that's just what was left. There is at least some plausible deniability that someone who noticed it could use as a fig leaf in order to avoid seeing the situation in sexual terms. But that's not a luxury you have in this case. If you're not incontinent, there's not a whole lot of other explanations to fall back on, and I mean, if you're just leaving it as an anonymous "personal reason", people are totally going to read through the lines there and infer that there must be something sexual going on or else you would be more specific.
So yeah, like it or not, wearing a diaper here is going to read as "bringing up your kink" in this situation. Which doesn't mean it's anything to be ashamed of, just that you need to exercise some discretion so that people don't assume you're trying to involve them in your sex life.
And as a side note, I'm very happy for you that you have an understanding partner who you can be open about this with - that's a real gift.
posted by no-show black sockpuppet at 12:18 AM on July 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
I think that people may be overlooking that there's a kind of 24/7 'lifestyle' thing going on with this persons fetish. Would people react as strongly to someone in a 24/7 power-exchange D/s relationship wearing a collar and not wanting to remove it?
But, yeah, don't involve your doctor.
posted by snuffleupagus at 12:47 AM on July 8, 2014
But, yeah, don't involve your doctor.
posted by snuffleupagus at 12:47 AM on July 8, 2014
Unless the OP is literally a never-nude with the diaper (bathing with it, etc) then there is no streak of wearing it long term that applies in this situation.
I concur with the others, don't involve people in your fetish without their consent.
posted by goo at 1:50 AM on July 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
I concur with the others, don't involve people in your fetish without their consent.
posted by goo at 1:50 AM on July 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
Would people react as strongly to someone in a 24/7 power-exchange D/s relationship wearing a collar and not wanting to remove it?
I consider myself pretty kink-friendly, but I would find it odd and inappropriate if someone refused to remove their collar when it was necessary, e.g. an MRI or going through a metal detector, or insisted on wearing a big obviously-fetishy collar instead of a subtler style to somewhere like a job interview or brunch with Grandma. If you have a 24/7 kink and interact with people who haven't consented to participate, you figure out how to accommodate them. Fetishes do not take priority over other people's comfort.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:39 AM on July 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
I consider myself pretty kink-friendly, but I would find it odd and inappropriate if someone refused to remove their collar when it was necessary, e.g. an MRI or going through a metal detector, or insisted on wearing a big obviously-fetishy collar instead of a subtler style to somewhere like a job interview or brunch with Grandma. If you have a 24/7 kink and interact with people who haven't consented to participate, you figure out how to accommodate them. Fetishes do not take priority over other people's comfort.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:39 AM on July 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
The only reason to wear it to the doctor is to involve the doctor in your fetish without their consent. That's not cool.
Leave it at home that day. Or even in the car.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:09 AM on July 8, 2014
Leave it at home that day. Or even in the car.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:09 AM on July 8, 2014
i'm in a 24/7 D/s relationship and wore cuffs for many years of it. i had a range of cuffs from super heavy and leather to delicate bracelets that had hints of our arrangement that my husband and i would understand but would be invisible to anyone outside of the relationship. i certainly never wore cuffs to the doctor because i knew there was a big chance of not receiving the same level of care if i chose to out myself in that way.
posted by nadawi at 7:27 AM on July 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by nadawi at 7:27 AM on July 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
I consider myself pretty kink-friendly, but I would find it odd and inappropriate if someone refused to remove their collar when it was necessary...If you have a 24/7 kink and interact with people who haven't consented to participate, you figure out how to accommodate them. Fetishes do not take priority over other people's comfort.
Quite right, and clearly OP has this in mind, thus the ask.
It just seemed to me that some of the replies upthread leaping to an internet diagnosis of pathological paraphilia from a question about kink etiquette were a bit much.
posted by snuffleupagus at 11:57 AM on July 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
Quite right, and clearly OP has this in mind, thus the ask.
It just seemed to me that some of the replies upthread leaping to an internet diagnosis of pathological paraphilia from a question about kink etiquette were a bit much.
posted by snuffleupagus at 11:57 AM on July 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
OP here. Message received, loud and clear. I forgot about the possibility of a backlog of anon questions from the holiday weekend, so the physical happened before the question went live. I did wear a diaper, but I opted out of some screenings and didn't remove my pants. There were no questions about incontinence, so I safely assume that he didn't see anything. To answer one of the threads of discussion above, my doctor runs a (male) physical in 3 parts. Fully clothed for a health questionnaire, take your shirt off right there for stethoscope work, then drop your pants and underwear right there for everything below the belt.
Followup question, though, how do I then deal with medical issues that could occur from regular diaper wear? I use Aquaphor religiously to protect my skin, but that's not always foolproof. What about UTIs (which there's a possibility I may have. Aced the physical except for an abnormality in the urine sample). What's better to tell the doctor to explain possible E. coli in your urinary tract? "I regularly have unprotected anal sex!" (I don't) or "I wear soiled diapers!"
Obviously the best solution is to take care of my body so that these situations don't happen. But if it does, at what point do you start being totally honest with your doctor?
posted by Buy Sockpuppet Bonds! at 7:57 PM on July 11, 2014
Followup question, though, how do I then deal with medical issues that could occur from regular diaper wear? I use Aquaphor religiously to protect my skin, but that's not always foolproof. What about UTIs (which there's a possibility I may have. Aced the physical except for an abnormality in the urine sample). What's better to tell the doctor to explain possible E. coli in your urinary tract? "I regularly have unprotected anal sex!" (I don't) or "I wear soiled diapers!"
Obviously the best solution is to take care of my body so that these situations don't happen. But if it does, at what point do you start being totally honest with your doctor?
posted by Buy Sockpuppet Bonds! at 7:57 PM on July 11, 2014
You can ask your doctor questions about your diaper use without actually wearing your diaper at the time.
And also, if you're getting infections due to diaper use, I'm sorry but, maybe you shouldn't sit in dirty diapers?
I am kinky, but if, for example, I started causing infections at the site of my play piercings, I wouldn't keep doing it, or I would radically change my technique.
Unless having infections is part of your kink, then change your practice to make it safer.
Your adult doctor probably is not an expert in diaper use, but yes, one can guess that leaving feces near your urethra for long periods could likely promote UTIs. Honestly the only solution is to modify your practice.
There's something really bothersome about this question where it feels like you not only want to involve your doctor, but also us in your practice. There are obvious answers to your questions. What exactly do you want out of this experience?
posted by latkes at 8:12 PM on July 11, 2014 [5 favorites]
And also, if you're getting infections due to diaper use, I'm sorry but, maybe you shouldn't sit in dirty diapers?
I am kinky, but if, for example, I started causing infections at the site of my play piercings, I wouldn't keep doing it, or I would radically change my technique.
Unless having infections is part of your kink, then change your practice to make it safer.
Your adult doctor probably is not an expert in diaper use, but yes, one can guess that leaving feces near your urethra for long periods could likely promote UTIs. Honestly the only solution is to modify your practice.
There's something really bothersome about this question where it feels like you not only want to involve your doctor, but also us in your practice. There are obvious answers to your questions. What exactly do you want out of this experience?
posted by latkes at 8:12 PM on July 11, 2014 [5 favorites]
I think that's a pretty uncharitable read. If you click on a question that starts "I have a diaper fetish...", you're a willing participant. I know there are medical professionals here, and these are people whom I'd like to query for their expertise.
Best practices aside, mistakes and circumstances happen. I'm asking if this is so taboo that I should be lying about what I'm doing in order to keep it under wraps.
posted by Buy Sockpuppet Bonds! at 8:23 PM on July 11, 2014
Best practices aside, mistakes and circumstances happen. I'm asking if this is so taboo that I should be lying about what I'm doing in order to keep it under wraps.
posted by Buy Sockpuppet Bonds! at 8:23 PM on July 11, 2014
I'm a medical professional. The answer I"m suggesting to your question about the UTI is, yes, your diaper wearing practice may be promoting UTIs. My suggestion is that you change your practice to limit the amount of time you leave feces and urine close to your skin. Leaving waste next to your skin promotes infection and skin breakdown. Expect yeast to form in your skin folds, causing redness, itching and tenderness and sometimes a smell. Look out for thinning skin or even small openings to the skin which can grow. Consider leaving the diaper off for several hours a day. Consider changing it quickly after soiling yourself.
That's pretty much the advice.
posted by latkes at 8:27 PM on July 11, 2014 [2 favorites]
That's pretty much the advice.
posted by latkes at 8:27 PM on July 11, 2014 [2 favorites]
> Obviously the best solution is to take care of my body so that these situations don't happen. But if it does, at what point do you start being totally honest with your doctor?
You've already passed that point. You're not looking after yourself. You're declining routine medical care. It takes a lot to shock a doctor; this probably isn't the weirdest thing he's seen.
I don't know about diapers-as-kink but I'm an expert on diapers-as-diapers-for-babies and they're supposed to be changed ASAP after they're pooped in, and every few hours because of pee. You could look at some websites for taking care of babies to learn about diaper rash, UTIs, etc.
Unless the filth is part of the kink, in which case I got nothin'.
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:08 AM on July 12, 2014
You've already passed that point. You're not looking after yourself. You're declining routine medical care. It takes a lot to shock a doctor; this probably isn't the weirdest thing he's seen.
I don't know about diapers-as-kink but I'm an expert on diapers-as-diapers-for-babies and they're supposed to be changed ASAP after they're pooped in, and every few hours because of pee. You could look at some websites for taking care of babies to learn about diaper rash, UTIs, etc.
Unless the filth is part of the kink, in which case I got nothin'.
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:08 AM on July 12, 2014
It sounds to me like you have two things going on:
First, you have a fetish that is impacting your quality of life (in terms of declining needed medical attention and potentially causing UTI and other impacts, as well as the stress and worry expressed in this question and your followups), which means you need to find A) an accepting therapist (i.e. "kink friendly") and B) a doctor with whom you feel comfortable discussing the medical issues. There have been questions here before about finding kink-friendly therapy, and it might make a good follow-up question since it is of course going to be location-dependent.
Second, you have a set of vital practical questions about adult fetish diaper wearing for which AskMe is probably not your best resource. You need to find your community of fellow practitioners to learn what are best practices in terms of staying healthy, disposing of used diapers in ways that don't impact public health or make anyone uncomfortable, accessing accepting medical care, and communicating with your loving but not participating spouse. I'm not a member but Fetlife would be the obvious place to start, and i'll bet there are forums out there dedicated to exactly this fetish that google and some persistence can find.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:36 AM on July 12, 2014 [5 favorites]
First, you have a fetish that is impacting your quality of life (in terms of declining needed medical attention and potentially causing UTI and other impacts, as well as the stress and worry expressed in this question and your followups), which means you need to find A) an accepting therapist (i.e. "kink friendly") and B) a doctor with whom you feel comfortable discussing the medical issues. There have been questions here before about finding kink-friendly therapy, and it might make a good follow-up question since it is of course going to be location-dependent.
Second, you have a set of vital practical questions about adult fetish diaper wearing for which AskMe is probably not your best resource. You need to find your community of fellow practitioners to learn what are best practices in terms of staying healthy, disposing of used diapers in ways that don't impact public health or make anyone uncomfortable, accessing accepting medical care, and communicating with your loving but not participating spouse. I'm not a member but Fetlife would be the obvious place to start, and i'll bet there are forums out there dedicated to exactly this fetish that google and some persistence can find.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:36 AM on July 12, 2014 [5 favorites]
Best practices aside, mistakes and circumstances happen. I'm asking if this is so taboo that I should be lying about what I'm doing in order to keep it under wraps.
Sometimes. Obviously, it's not good to lie to your doctor, though.
I'm not a member but Fetlife would be the obvious place to start, and i'll bet there are forums out there dedicated to exactly this fetish that google and some persistence can find.
There are, although the ageplay groups can be a little short on constructive advice and long on fap-fodder and forever-alone, which may be why OP is asking here.
posted by snuffleupagus at 10:32 AM on July 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
Sometimes. Obviously, it's not good to lie to your doctor, though.
I'm not a member but Fetlife would be the obvious place to start, and i'll bet there are forums out there dedicated to exactly this fetish that google and some persistence can find.
There are, although the ageplay groups can be a little short on constructive advice and long on fap-fodder and forever-alone, which may be why OP is asking here.
posted by snuffleupagus at 10:32 AM on July 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
If you click on a question that starts "I have a diaper fetish...", you're a willing participant.
I feel like the language that you are using in this question is also indicating that there may be some confusion/boundary concerns in your larger life. As Dip Flash says, you have a fetish, which is fine. Where fetishes (or any of life's choices) become not fine is when they start impacting your health in a way that you may not be willing or able to control. It's unclear from your beginning question whether this is the case but it's clearer from your follow-up(s) that this may be the case. And this is true both for your decision (to not get medical care because of your concern about your fetish and how it would be perceived) but also possibly the ... I don't really know the best word for it, like the edginess that you feel about your fetish and the extent to which it expands into other places in your life. People answering a question here aren't "willing participants" they are people trying to help you answer a question.
Not that this is a new thing in the world of fetishes, but the main question now seems to be not so much about your doctor and your concerns with the appointment, but with the fact that you wear diapers in a way that can be problematic to your health (possible UTI) and you seem intent on maintaining the secrecy of this situation in a way that may not allow you to get the care that you need because of a weird feeling about how the doctor would deal with it.
Maybe this isn't true for you but for a lot of people there's a titillating/shame aspect to peeing on or defecating on yourself and then maybe not cleaning yourself up or having a situation where only someone can clean you up or you can only do it in a certain way. That's fine. Sort of. But you need to find ways to have this thing that you like but also be able to have a life where this decision is not causing you problems that have the capacity for snowballing specifically because of the secrecy you seem to want to surround this issue with. I'd look at that line there and see what you can do about it so that you can bot indulge in your fetish as much as possible but also keep yourself healthy and not withholding care from yourself because of it.
posted by jessamyn at 2:45 PM on July 12, 2014 [5 favorites]
I feel like the language that you are using in this question is also indicating that there may be some confusion/boundary concerns in your larger life. As Dip Flash says, you have a fetish, which is fine. Where fetishes (or any of life's choices) become not fine is when they start impacting your health in a way that you may not be willing or able to control. It's unclear from your beginning question whether this is the case but it's clearer from your follow-up(s) that this may be the case. And this is true both for your decision (to not get medical care because of your concern about your fetish and how it would be perceived) but also possibly the ... I don't really know the best word for it, like the edginess that you feel about your fetish and the extent to which it expands into other places in your life. People answering a question here aren't "willing participants" they are people trying to help you answer a question.
Not that this is a new thing in the world of fetishes, but the main question now seems to be not so much about your doctor and your concerns with the appointment, but with the fact that you wear diapers in a way that can be problematic to your health (possible UTI) and you seem intent on maintaining the secrecy of this situation in a way that may not allow you to get the care that you need because of a weird feeling about how the doctor would deal with it.
Maybe this isn't true for you but for a lot of people there's a titillating/shame aspect to peeing on or defecating on yourself and then maybe not cleaning yourself up or having a situation where only someone can clean you up or you can only do it in a certain way. That's fine. Sort of. But you need to find ways to have this thing that you like but also be able to have a life where this decision is not causing you problems that have the capacity for snowballing specifically because of the secrecy you seem to want to surround this issue with. I'd look at that line there and see what you can do about it so that you can bot indulge in your fetish as much as possible but also keep yourself healthy and not withholding care from yourself because of it.
posted by jessamyn at 2:45 PM on July 12, 2014 [5 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 5:12 PM on July 7, 2014 [203 favorites]