The ramifications of having a partner who is a known sperm donor?
June 5, 2014 4:17 PM   Subscribe

My boyfriend is considering donating sperm to his best friend and his wife. I personally find the situation a bit worrying and I'm wondering what I can expect.

His best friend is a man and he's infertile. He's been with his wife for almost ten years. They say they want to go with a known donor because they want someone they know and like. And they approached my boyfriend about it. He says he would like to do it.

My boyfriend and I (I'm a woman BTW) have been in a relationship for almost a year and have known each other for longer. I know them, but not very well. They did not involve me in the conversation that's just starting. I don't know how involved I will be, I do know it involves some kinds of screening, doctors, and lawyers. I do worry about things but I'm wondering about what my own boundaries will be and what it will be like. I want to be supportive of my boyfriend, but I worry we are wandering into a minefield.

What is appropriate for me to be involved with? It's likely this potential child if this goes through will be told my boyfriend is the donor and have some contact with him, so it seems very likely it will affect my relationship. Should I push to be more involved? Or is it too private and should I just stand back and let them deal with this matter?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (28 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
I think ultimately it is his decision to make, but there is no reason you should not be involved in the decision process. Be reasonable and clear about your concerns, and encourage him to go into it and make the decision with open eyes. I'd wager many of the concerns will be covered via the lawyers etc. Ultimately, I suppose if the two of you remain a couple for that long there will be some "consequences", but minefield? I kinda doubt it as long as 'i's are dotted and 't's are crossed. And as far as 'affecting your relationship', that might be something along the lines of it affects your relationship as much as you allow it to.
Do you have specific worries, or just 'are worried'?
posted by edgeways at 4:29 PM on June 5, 2014

Regardless of whose sperm led to this child being born, it should be a foregone conclusion that your boyfriend will have regular contact with his best friend's kid. If he and his friend are close enough that his friend's wife wants him to be the biological father of their child, he was destined to be Uncle Steve whether or not any of this went down.

There is quite clearly a deep and significant relationship between these three people. I don't mean to sound harsh, but your relationship with your boyfriend really doesn't compare, at least not yet. So your involvement in this is in a sort of state of limbo: if you support him, you support him and that's great. If you develop a problem with this, then that will very likely be a problem solely between you and your boyfriend and not your boyfriend and his friends.

If you want to be more involved, you can try to be, but I can't imagine that you would come out on top if push came to shove and somehow circumstances forced your boyfriend to pick between people who are basically his family and you. But it doesn't look like there's any reason for any of this to head in that direction at all, from what you wrote, so don't borrow trouble.
posted by griphus at 4:34 PM on June 5, 2014 [31 favorites]

Also, have you sat down with him and just talked about this? As in, like straight-up ask him "hey, so with all this stuff happening, what do you think our roles will be?" If you're wondering if you should push to be more involved, figuring out how involved your boyfriend wants and expects you to be is the place to start.
posted by griphus at 4:36 PM on June 5, 2014 [3 favorites]

I think it's perfectly okay for you to be uncomfortable with this. It's an inherently uncomfortable situation. It's a really really intense issue, that we can't 'rationally escape.'

The problem is you two have only been together for a year, not even a year. That's right on the cusp of it either becoming really serious, or saying "Okay, well played, but we don't work together." So at this point it makes sense he is going with his friend.

At the same time if you two were married or had been together for years, I think you would absolutely deserve a veto.

How much does this bother you?
posted by jjmoney at 4:38 PM on June 5, 2014 [5 favorites]

I would say that you should express your concerns to your boyfriend except you don't seem to be clear on what those concerns are. What minefield do you think will develop? Are you afraid that if you end up marrying your boyfriend and something happens to one of his friends that you'll end up taking care of the kid? Try to be clearer with yourself on what it is exactly that concerns you and bring them up to your boyfriend in a calm and matter of fact way. It's ultimately his decision to make, but that doesn't mean you can't talk to him about how you feel. The problem is that you really need to define what exactly it is that bothers you first.
posted by manderin at 4:45 PM on June 5, 2014 [4 favorites]

I would be extremely uncomfortable with this. That isn't to say I think it's wrong but it's bound to get messy when the child will be involved in his life. A boyfriend isn't a husband but he's still made a commitment to you. That means you deserve to have your thoughts heard, that he should take your concerns seriously and that even if he doesn't need your permission he respects you enough to make sure you're comfortable with the arrangement, or maybe that neither of you can compromise enough on this issue and it's in everyone's best interest that you two part ways.

So yeah, talk to him. Tell him your concerns. This is a big deal, and you don't need to take the passive route just because you aren't married.
posted by Aranquis at 4:54 PM on June 5, 2014 [1 favorite]

Most likely outcome: kid's born and your boyfriend is an 'Uncle' in the kid's life. End of story.

Very unlikely but possible outcome, depending on state and whether a doctor was involved in the insemination process: actual parents of kid are unable to support kid, and state goes after donor as the 'father' for support.
posted by zippy at 5:01 PM on June 5, 2014 [7 favorites]

I don't think anyone here can truly tell you what level of involvement is appropriate for you. This is something that can only be determined by those involved in this issue - your boyfriend, his friend, and the woman he'd be helping to create a child with.

But I understand your concern here. Horror stories are easy to find about these sorts of situations. I think it's only natural for you to feel worry about the implications this may have on your relationship and your life.

IMHO you should sit down and voice your concern(s) to your boyfriend. There may be things worrying you that he hasn't even thought of yet. How will the situation work? Is he going to donate sperm in the 'traditional' way (ie: cup/'turkey baster') or the 'natural' way (ie: having sex with the wife)? What if there's complications during the pregnancy? What if the child is born with a disability? Will he be signing over all his parental rights to the child? If so, how will he be introduced to this child (ie: Dad? Donor? Uncle?)? If not, will he be expected to contribute directly to the child's care? If his friend and his friends' wife ever split, would he be expected to assume additional responsibilities for/to the child (such as child support)? If his friend and his friends' wife happen to pass... does that mean your boyfriend would assume custody?

Even if it's leaping ahead of things with these sorts of thoughts/questions, they're important to start thinking about. Of course it's very likely your boyfriend/his friend has already thought about and considered these things. And if so, perhaps he can help put some of these types of worries to rest for you. But I digress. I imagine your level of involvement to be no different than if you were visiting your boyfriends family and interacting with their children as that appears to be the type of close relationship he and his friend have. So I think approaching the child as you would a niece or nephew would be appropriate. But don't be afraid to ask - there's no hard rules for these situations and it will, undoubtedly, be a learning experience for all involved.

FWIW, I think being accepting, open minded and supportive is the best route here. Your boyfriend and his friend are pretty much family - and if you see yourself with any kind of future with him - I think supporting his decision (but still being reasonable) can only bring you closer.
posted by stubbehtail at 5:01 PM on June 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

If you want to have a family some day, how do you feel about your kids having a half-sibling who isn't technically part of their family? How would you want to navigate that, as a parent? Do you like the approach your boyfriend is likely to take?

I don't think you can be too involved since your relationship is very young, but I think it's worth it to have an exploratory conversation with your boyfriend about how he would want to integrate this potential child with any children he might have with a long term partner.
posted by rhythm and booze at 5:19 PM on June 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

Do you have a real future with this man? You say you have been dating for almost a year and have known each other for even longer than a year, and yet you don't even know his best friend and his BF's wife very well at all. Most tellingly, you say: "They did not involve me in the conversation that's just starting."

Sounds like this is triggering some "What's my future here?" stuff. Understandably so. These three have made it clear they don't see you as someone with any sort of a voice in this type of conversation. That would have me questioning my place, too. And wondering if the man I'm dating sees us as serious.

That all being said, reproductive choices are an individual right in the US (if that's your home). You have no say over another adult's personal reproductive choices, not even if that man were your own husband - and vice versa.

If you love him, support him to make his own choices.
posted by hush at 5:26 PM on June 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

This situation sounds difficult and obviously emotional on all sides.

Just wanted to put it out there, too, that something really beautiful could come out of this. Andrew Solomon's recent Moth story is worth a listen.
posted by jessicapierce at 5:29 PM on June 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

My gut feeling is that it's none of your business, that if he's even considering this, it's because he doesn't feel serious enough about his current partner that the idea of having a baby with you isn't real enough to actually be certain that you're the person he wants to invest in or is invested in. So he'd rather just donate sperm because he hasn't met the person who inspires him to want to start a real family.

So I guess it's not really something you need to worry about, either way. I'd let him know that it makes you uncomfortable, especially if you think you may want a family with him or someone else someday.
posted by discopolo at 6:10 PM on June 5, 2014 [1 favorite]

The "ramifications" are that two people who (presumably) love each other and are going through the incredibly stressful and frustrating problem of infertility will finally be able to have a child fathered, biologically, by a man they know, respect, and trust.

That, and whatever drama you feel like stirring up on top of it.
posted by toomuchpete at 6:11 PM on June 5, 2014 [16 favorites]

It is clearly the writer's business so long as she is getting involved with the would-be donor. At the very least they need to talk about it and decide .
posted by Postroad at 6:17 PM on June 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

I donated eggs to my friend and her husband, and my husband was absolutely involved in all the discussions, including with psychologists and lawyers.

The difference is that this is my husband, while you are your boyfriend's girlfriend of a year. We knew for sure that any long term consequences would affect my husband as well as me. You don't know this, but I think it's still good to consider.

For what it's worth, the main consideration that gave my husband pause (besides possible medical complications for me, which are not an issue with sperm donation) was the (extremely unlikely) possibility that my friends would for whatever reason not be able to care for a child after all, and would want to give it up for adoption, or would have it removed by the state, or if they both died or something, at which point we both thought it was likely that I would want to step forward as a foster/adoptive parent rather than letting it go to strangers. Since he doesn't really want kids (and nor do I, except that in that situation I would feel kind of obligated), that was a real worry for him, but we both decided in the end that it was so unlikely that we would just go ahead anyway.

Concerns for me (but that didn't affect him so much) were how I would feel if my friends parented in a way that I strongly disagreed with, or if they changed their mind about the pregnancy and decided to abort, or if the child was disabled or sick due to genetic reasons on my side. In all of those cases I was concerned about how it would affect my mental health, and I guess that would affect my husband's happiness by proxy.

In the end, the IVF never worked, so I don't know how it would have been in reality, but the above were all good things to discuss with the (clinic-provided) therapist in a four-way conversation (both me and my husband, and my friend and her husband were all present for some sessions, and we had individual sessions as well).
posted by lollusc at 6:23 PM on June 5, 2014 [9 favorites]

My perspective as a person who has dealt with infertility colors my opinion of the situation, but I think it's wonderful that your boyfriend is willing to do this for them. That must mean a lot to his friends. My daughter is the most precious thing to me and everyone who helped me during my infertility journey (even by just offering me supportive words) is special to me as well.

I feel like depending on the attitude that you take towards this it could be joyous and wonderful or it could induce conflict and stress. But, it seems totally normal to have some weird feelings or awkward feelings about this - I would try to just be open about them with him, try to approach him in a neutral way about your concerns and see if you can engage in a good conversation about it. Seems like one main concern is that you would have liked to know that he was considering such a major decision rather than being informed after the fact. It's not about you having any veto power or getting to dictate what he chooses to do, but I know I'd be hurt if my boyfriend of a year was in discussions about something like this and didn't mention it to me until it was a done deal, just because as partners I'd like to think we could share important things going on in our lives.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 6:50 PM on June 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

OP, are you able to articulate your concerns more clearly? They are a little nebulous and if you offered more concrete details people with experience may be able to offer their perspectives.

Reading the tone of your question, I wonder if this isn't bringing up other concerns/insecurities/questions you have - not about donating sperm, but about your relationship with your boyfriend, and your place in it.

I wonder why you don't know your boyfriend's best friends very well if you've been together for a year - do they live interstate or something? I do not know if this is the case, and please disregard me if it's not, but you sound a little bit... jealous maybe? Certainly sidelined. It sounds like you really expected to be involved with this discussion, and you are a bit hurt and upset that you weren't?

I feel like this line is a bit telling: I do worry about things but I'm wondering about what my own boundaries will be and what it will be like.

It sounds you are might be a little bit generally anxious, and maybe you typically chew over big decisions quite a bit before committing. Its sounds like you are concerned mostly about your role than your boyfriend's in all this. Have you discussed with him what he imagines your role, both before, during and after would be? Do you have a specific anxiety about bearing responsibility for a child that's not yours financially, logistically, emotionally in the future? Is this part of a pattern where you are very careful about how and when you're beholden, or is it specific to your relationship with your boyfriend or this couple?

I think it's right and appropriate to voice these concerns with your boyfriend, whilst also recognising that it's not your sperm, your child, your family, etc. and that the expectation will likely be that you (And your boyfriend) have a pretty minimal involvement with the kid. I would be sure not to "borrow trouble" OP, imagining scenarios that have not come to be and may be unlikely. That could be construed as a lack of support and self-centredness. I would also come to the discussion in the knowledge that this is about resolving ambiguity and setting expectations for you, not an establishment that you have a 'right' to any substantive say over how this goes down necessarily.

If the former won't satisfy you, and the latter is what you really want, you may come away hurt, with more insecurity in your relationship not less. Certainly don't put your BF in a position where he feels you're asking him to choose between you and making a huge difference in his friends' lives. Best of luck.
posted by smoke at 7:12 PM on June 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

All I can weight in on, as a mother who used a known donor, is that the man who donated sperm, and his partner of decades (a woman) were so very generous to have given that service.

It's actually a bit of a pain in the ass for the man (STI testing, multiple times of having to masturbate on q, difficult scheduling etc) and I can never thank them enough for giving me this now 11 year old kid who is amazing.

For us, there has been zero drama. We see each other once or twice a year, the kid knows the score and doesn't particularly care. The man and his family (including grown up kids) are warm and loving toward us, without having any expectations (nor obligations).

Most people should get advice from a lawyer who has experience with this, although I didn't.
posted by latkes at 7:55 PM on June 5, 2014 [3 favorites]

I'm also someone whose experience is colored by infertility and adoption.

Your boyfriend is being given the the opportunity to give this couple an incredible blessing. The couple obviously holds him in incredibly high regard to offer him this. Everybody involved should be honored to participate. This apparently threatens you, and you need to try to get over it.

The only minefield here is if you insert yourself and try to get in the way.

This child will not be his child, it will be their child. That the kid shares some genetic material with your BF doesn't really change that. The kid will (probably) know what's up, almost certainly won't care, and really won't have a different relationship with your BF than if s/he were the biological kid of your BF's best friends, or they used an anonymous sperm donor, or if your BF was the kid's godfather. (on preview, latkes said it best)

I know them, but not very well. They did not involve me in the conversation that's just starting.

They didn't involve you because there's no reason for them to involve you, and it is not an easy conversation to have with best friends -- much less the recent girlfriend of a friend who they don't know very well. They (correctly) know that your BF will talk to you about it, if yours is that kind of relationship. But as far as the couple is concerned, you are not involved beyond whatever discussions you and your BF have about it... because you're not.

What is appropriate for me to be involved with?

That's up to your boyfriend. Obviously, he brought it up to you, so it's reasonable for you to talk about it, especially if you think that might make you more comfortable.

You do not have a veto. You should not try to convince him for or against this. It's his decision (as well as the couple's, but it sounds like they've made theirs). You should probably work to figure out why you're miffed, or threatened, or whatever it is that's happened to make you react so inappropriately. Then you should support him (and them) by being thrilled that your BF is being given such a high honor.

If there's no way you can get on board with this, or all the conversations surrounding it are negative, then you will be asking him to choose between you and his best friend. If that's the case then he should and will dump you in seconds flat.

Now... it is vital that everything be on the up-and-up legally. This means lawyers beforehand, and several trips to the fertility clinic that the couple will use, and several masturbation sessions in uncomfortable locales. It is kind of a pain in the ass, but this process is a big part of what establishes him as a sperm donor with no possible claims of paternity (and yes, it's important that the actual insemination be done by a doctor (this will either be IUI or IVF) -- no cup and baster, and definitely no sex with the best friend's wife (??!)). These arrangements have been going on for 30+ years, and there's plenty of case law that shows exactly the process involved that will legally disconnect your BF from the child. The rare horror story that makes the news always involves amateurs without paperwork and doctors.

The clinic they're using will probably refer everyone to a lawyer who's well versed in this (if not, the lawyers who do family law for LGBT families are a good place to look). I'd expect the couple to pay any/all fees involved.
posted by toxic at 8:46 PM on June 5, 2014 [1 favorite]

Are you perhaps concerned that your boyfriend will develop fatherly feelings towards the child and this will cause problems for him and his friends in a sort of battle for attention, as well as for you if you ever want children with him? Because that would be my primary concern.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 5:03 AM on June 6, 2014

You do not have a veto

OP, if you do not want to date a person who donates sperm to another couple, you do not have to. it is acceptable for this to be something you aren't willing to do, in terms of dating your boyfriend. You can decide he is not for you.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:16 AM on June 6, 2014 [2 favorites]

When you say "involved in the conversation", what do you mean? If you're thinking that you should have been consulted or asked for permission, you don't get to decide another person's reproductive actions, full stop. If his decision (and it is solely his decision) bothers you, you are under no obligation to stay with him.
posted by Willie0248 at 8:33 AM on June 6, 2014

I'm someone whose experience is colored by sperm donation gone wrong.

So much of this thread is filled with gushing about how this is a great and honorable blessing that you just need to get over. Therefore, I think that it's important to share my story, where a very similar plan to your boyfriend's went wrong. Not that I'm trying to contradict any of the lived experiences of the people in this thread, but in my experience, the guarantees that "everything will be alright," aren't completely accurate in all cases.

A lifelong friend of mine gave sperm to a couple who were also life long friends of ours. Everything was taken care of legally, to the letter, and it still was a horribly painful experience for my friend (the donor).

This child will not be his child, it will be their child. That the kid shares some genetic material with your BF doesn't really change that. The kid will (probably) know what's up, almost certainly won't care, and really won't have a different relationship with your BF than if s/he were the biological kid of your BF's best friends, or they used an anonymous sperm donor, or if your BF was the kid's godfather.

This is the complete and utter opposite of what happened to my friends. One thing that no one took into account before the procedure was the possibility that the kid would look, sound, and act completely like the biologic father. If this had been an anonymous donation, the donor would never have seen the child, and maybe this wouldn't have gone so wrong, but as it was my friend was now witness to a child that was in personality and appearance very much a product of him. It was excruciatingly hard for my friend to watch a child, that prior to birth he had no way of knowing that he would be so attached to, be disciplined and educated in ways that he had no control over. Not that the couple aren't amazing parents, just that my friend was forced into a position of helplessness that he hadn't accounted for, because as a previous poster said: This child will not be his child, it will be their child.

In their case, when the child was around five years old, the couple explained to the child that while he was their son, Uncle had helped make him. The child very much cared. Even at so young an age, their son knew that he had much more in common with his uncle, temperament wise, and never really treated the husband the same way again. Yes, the son did treat the husband as his daddy, but was very clear that Uncle was who he saw as his father, and acted as such. Eventually, the couple had to move away from all of us for work related reasons, and it was utterly heartbreaking for my friend. From what I hear, the move was very good for the son, as getting away from Uncle helped strengthen the bond between the couple and the child, and the son seems to be very happy. But my friend isn't. He is still glad that he was able to help two very dear friends have a child, but has said many times that if he had known the risks to his emotional well being ahead of time, he would have put full effort into helping them pick out a really great anonymous donor.

Again, I am not trying to suggest that your boyfriend shouldn't do this. As many of the posters above have illustrated, this could be a really beautiful experience. But my personal advice would be to look deeper than the glow that he feels around his heart at the thought of doing something kind, and try to consider what he will do when the child is actually in the world. Consider both sides, the good and the potential bad.

If you're thinking that you should have been consulted or asked for permission, you don't get to decide another person's reproductive actions, full stop. If his decision (and it is solely his decision) bothers you, you are under no obligation to stay with him.

I completely agree. You really have no say in this except to decide whether you want to stay with him or not. Having said that, it would be a kindness for you to show him this thread so that he as a few personal stories to go through when he is researching his decision (he is researching this extensively, isn't he?)
posted by Shouraku at 9:18 AM on June 6, 2014 [11 favorites]

There are a lot of risks here. They don't need this guy's sperm, so some of the "their chance to have a baby!!" rhetoric is misguided.

Frankly, it would be better if they weren't as close, because of the potential problems Shouraku mentions. I share custody of my child and it's difficult. Very, very difficult. And I have legal rights to him.
posted by the young rope-rider at 9:47 AM on June 6, 2014 [2 favorites]

"The "ramifications" are that two people who (presumably) love each other and are going through the incredibly stressful and frustrating problem of infertility will finally be able to have a child fathered, biologically, by a man they know, respect, and trust.
That, and whatever drama you feel like stirring up on top of it."

Say what? That is not only completely condescending, it is utterly dismissive of the complicated issues which arise in every instance of donor-assisted reproduction, and it demonizes her for taking the issue seriously. It is totally reasonable and sane to be completely overwhelmed by this idea. There are a million questions which spring from this decision, and the mature reaction is to grapple with them. I say this as someone who wrestled with using donors, known and unknown, and know many people who have created their families in unconventional ways. The sheer number of practical issues that arise, to say nothing about the emotional issues, is astronomical. There are entirely unexpected categories of issues that pop up out of nowhere, and no amount of minimizing hand-waving or open-minded willingness or simple friendliness can make those complications just disappear.

If your boyfriend seems serious about pursuing this, you can talk about all of your questions and fears, and then you ultimately get to decide if this is something you are down with or whether you need to leave the relationship. Maybe you simply don't want the added complications or complexity, both known and unknown. There wouldn't be anything wrong with making that choice. Or maybe you decide that you do want to go along for the ride and are willing to face any questions and intensities and problems which arise. Good luck with either choice. This is a big deal under any circumstances, and in my opinion it is off-the-charts patronizing (not to mention seemingly ignorant of the issues involved) to suggest otherwise.
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 11:11 AM on June 6, 2014 [9 favorites]

There certainly are tons of issues to think about. The concerns for your boyfriends welfare in this, and concerns for the child's rights to know their ancestry and have connection with their family. Donor conceived adults have plenty to say and it's probably better to listen to them than wash away any potential negatives. "Who exactly gets to decide whether donor anonymity — being cut off from part of your genetic heritage — matters? Is it the parents of donor children? Is it the donors, kind people that they are? Doctors? Forbes’ columnists? Mental health professionals?
The answer, Mr. Essing, is that we do. We get to decide whether it matters to us. And the answer is: it does."

Personally I think these situations should involve legal rights to at least visitation for all the child's parents so long as there is no abuse involved.

I personally would rethink someone who wanted to participate in this as a potential mate because we have such different views on what it means to center children, what needs we are willing to allow children to have for their parents and bonding with the people they were directly made out of.

I would have a huge problem with this. You get to decide what it means to you and whether your views on the matter can be compatible with your boyfriends. You get to decide whether you make a commitment to being a parent figure in a child's life and if you think you have a life with your boyfriend, then yes that matters for your relationship, how involved he would be in this.

My experience with being adopted and having a child placed for adoption is that gene's matter. Those bonds can run deep. Some people can be raised together and not have much connection, but some people can be separated for years and still be so alike and deeply bonded that it's uncanny. It just depends. This is a can of worms I wouldn't want to be involved in unless everyone involved was committed to being the child's full and complete parent in a way that centers the child's needs over the adults comfort or convenience.

You can totally decide what it means to you and whether you want to be involved. It would likely help to think through what your concerns are, what your hopes are, and talk them over with your boyfriend to find out if it could work for you.

My biological father's wife acts like a mother to me, and really, I need it. Not that we hang out a lot, she is totally respectful of space and not assuming we will be close, but if I need to talk about something she's there in a very supportive role. It really means a lot to me, and you're willingness to be involved or desire for distance or disinterest (or feeling forced into a parental role when you weren't ready) could absolutely impact the child involved.
posted by xarnop at 1:08 PM on June 6, 2014 [5 favorites]

Just to offer another perspective: In Germany, there has been a recent court ruling about anonymous donors' names being disclosed to their "children" if the children wanted to know who their "father" was. So far, no legal claims for money have been made towards those "fathers", but if laws can change, then you should probably consider that.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 4:44 AM on June 8, 2014 [1 favorite]

From the OP:
I talked with my boyfriend about it because I just in general was concerned. I asked him why he wanted to donate and he said that he "wanted to be a father, but without the responsibility, so this really appealed to him." I thought that was a huge red flag that could definitely affect things in the future and I asked him if he was planning on telling his friends that and he said he was not. He also told me he'd decided to do it right away even without knowing anything about the process.

It made me really uncomfortable and also led to some personal soul-searching about whether I would like to have a family. I decided it would be best for us to not continue the relationship and I also told him I hoped he'd be transparent with his friends about why he was doing it.

He later told me after we broke up that they decided to go with an anonymous donor.
posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 9:29 AM on July 19, 2014 [2 favorites]

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