Ambivalent about getting closer

May 20, 2014 7:29 AM

I met someone a while back, kind of a local heroine and I told her I admired some stuff she'd done. I can be pretty gregarious and open, I can also be a depressed, reclusive misanthrope. When we met I was the former, we swapped numbers and have since met up a few times.. it seemed like a budding friendship. She was very good when I got in a brief practical 'scrape'. She seems very keen to get closer and spend a lot of time together. I'm gun shy generally about human relationships (no longer trust my own choices about them that much) and spend quite a bit of time alone. Whilst I wouldn't mind meeting this person for a coffee occasionally, I don't feel I've potentially found my next soul mate. I feel I'd really have to have an emotional chemistry with someone to take a bigger chance on them - like feel really 'into' the conversations etc.... whether or not that is sensible, I don't know... I go wrong with people.. and have been dazzled by poison in the past. X seems like she would be reliable, available and up for things (though not necessarily the kind of things I'd be into). But the bottom line for me is, I'm just not sure if I like her that much! She made a lot of concerning comments about her husband 'obeying' her etc which didn't sound like a joke and I too found her subtly controlling at times. I didn't find her social skills great.. constantly texting in conversation which I know is probably the new normal, but I'm old school and find it really rude. She's politically minded and anti everything. I can be a bit like that.. but I also hope I am not humourless with it.. point is, I don't think I shouldn't hang out with people more like that than me! Just.. not feeling the love. Right now I'm being a bit flaky/non commital about future arrangements she keeps pressing for - the last time we met was when she invited herself along to something I was planning on doing alone, which didn't bother me, nor did I seek. She's pretty sensitive (and I totally get that) so I don't want to explicitly say I'm not that into meeting up loads... kind of hope she'll just get the message (she seems to have loads of friends). Oh and to top it off X may be interviewing me for a job soon. Awesome. How should I play this?
posted by tanktop to Human Relations (3 answers total)

Way to bury the lede.

If this person may be interviewing you for a job you may actually want, then no, you cannot slow fade on her right now.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:33 AM on May 20, 2014 [1 favorite]

There's no requirement to like everyone, or have a strong opinion, or have any opinion at all about someone. No one's keeping score on this.

But yeah, be human and pleasant and professional with her, just as you would to anyone you are networking with.
posted by mochapickle at 7:36 AM on May 20, 2014

You owe it to this person (and all people!) to be honest about what you want or don't want from this relationship. Tell her you'd prefer to keep the relationship on a professional level. Right now your behavior is bordering on cruel by vaguely stringing her along.
posted by something something at 7:38 AM on May 20, 2014