How do people fall out of love so easily?

November 30, 2013 5:00 AM

It seems to me that I am wired differently to most people. Others seem to fall in and out of love easy. They are able to end relationships and cut the person off just like that. Can someone give me some insight?

I don't fall in love easily. Once I am in a relationship and we have evolved to deeper love stage, I see any problem as workable (except extremes like abuse or cheating). I have never fallen out of love (out of lust sure, that's normal). It happened to me more than once that guys that were seriously committed and claimed that I am the love of their life - dumped me without looking back.

My last LTR ended with a guy I lived with. He literally woke up and told me he loves me, went to work, came home and proceeded to dump me because "I am not a good problem solver and I don't face problems head on". I don't get that mentality at all. Either he was lying about loving me or he was completely dishonest about the breakup reason. This was 1.5 years ago and he never contacted me again, like I never existed. He clearly fell out of love...for whatever reason. We went from spending 24/7 together for over a year to absolutely nothing. It was brutal and a huge shock.

Most recently a guy I had a LDR thing with and who also claimed to love me.....just stopped talking to me like that. Suddenly he "lost attraction". That was after months of us talking about how much we meant to each other and not going more than few hours without contact. He stopped with cold finality and ignored my messages since.

I don't get it how people can swing from one extreme to another so easily. How does that work? I actually don't believe that there was anyone else involved in either case which is even weirder.

posted by sabina_r to Human Relations (2 answers total)

This seems to border on Talk or Chat, but since you asked, I'll give it a shot.

The key here is that you used the word seem twice and that should remind you that you're dealing with your own interpretation of events.

The only fact you know is that they broke up with you. You don't know what their thought process was, you don't know how long the lead up was to the break up, and frankly you'll never know the whole story.

Falling in and out of love is a process that is as mysterious as the alchemical process of turning lead into gold. People have been looking for the answer for years and will probably never find the definitive answer.

Looking at your question history, you seem to have a habit of falling in and out of love yourself under various circumstances. You also asked about depression, which could be a factor here as well.

If you're looking for ways to perhaps find closure, then that's a different question and one that might be better answered here.

TL; DR - This isn't a question that is easily answered as you don't know the whole story behind the break up. Only half of it. Give some more thought to the real question that you want answered here and perhaps we can help further.
posted by John Kennedy Toole Box at 5:12 AM on November 30, 2013

"Love" is so subjective and there's so much cultural and emotional baggage wrapped up in when/how often/in what context people say it that you can't assume that when someone says it to you, they mean the same thing you mean when you say it to them. I'd look more to the relationship as a whole than the words of love someone is using to make sense of changes. Actions speaking louder than words and all that. It could well be that there were signs but you didn't see them because of the words you were hearing.

Also, that someone isn't in contact doesn't mean they're 100% over the relationship just like that. Breaking contact is the most effective & usually the most healthy way to get the time & space needed to get over a relationship.
posted by headnsouth at 5:16 AM on November 30, 2013