I quit smoking, but he didn't

November 11, 2013 10:10 AM

I quit smoking about a month ago. My boyfriend wants to quit smoking, but hasn't. He's cut down quite a bit (he hasn't been smoking in the evenings), but he still smokes during the day. I know it's not easy, I thought about quitting for a long time before it actually happened, but I just feel so upset now whenever I see him light up, or if I smell smoke on him. I feel like a hypocrite! How can I get a grip on how I react and how I feel?

It may or may not have had something to do with having a family friend pass away from lung cancer, but a few weeks later, I suddenly started to feel very repulsed by the smell and taste of cigarettes. Without thinking about it that much, I just kept postponing my next cigarette whenever the urge came, and now it's been about 4 weeks since my last smoke.

My boyfriend, who has been a smoker for many more years than me, has always expressed a keen interest in quitting since I've known him, but hasn't really made an effort until recently. Despite the facts that I know from personal experience how hard it is to quit smoking and that not everyone can just stop the way I did, I still feel irrationally sad and mad at him every time he lights up.

Smoking is not a deal breaker for me in this relationship, however, I'm going to have a family one day with this man and after having watched what our family friends went through with the lung cancer, I just want so badly to not have to experience those things. Cancer runs in his family. I just want him to be healthy and happy and live a long life as free of medical complications as possible. Not to mention the fact that when I see him smoke, it makes me want to smoke, too, and I still haven't shaken all the cravings (after eating, while driving, when socializing... arghhhhhhh!)

What I want is to be able to provide him with positive encouragement and tell him how proud I am for the progress he is making, even if it's baby steps. However, I feel so intensely upset that he's still smoking that I'm having trouble managing how I react. When I see him getting ready to light up, I encourage him to reconsider (I can do this without feeling upset), but when he decides to smoke anyway, I feel really disappointed and angry with him. I try to bite my tongue, but even if I don't verbalize my feelings, my body language gives away my true emotions. I try to talk myself down in my head, but the mental process of getting over my initial bad reaction is long and makes me all quiet, and makes him think I'm giving him the cold shoulder. Not good for creating a positive environment for him and his desire to eventually quit.

So... I guess my question is, how can I manage my emotions, stop being a hypocrite and start being more supportive and positive about his progress?

posted by ohmy to Human Relations (10 answers total)

Well.. on the smoking part, has he engaged with an active smoking cessation program or is he trying to do it solo? Many people find it much easier quitting if they have outside help. Looks like you are in Montreal? Perhaps this place? If not just google around I am sure you'll find something that will fit.

As to your own difficulties, have you expressed what you wrote here to him? So he at least knows what your internals are and isn't misreading your cues? I'm sure you completely realize it, but increased stress is a pretty big trigger for some folks irt deciding to light up.

And if it is NOT a deal breaker you may have to ask yourself, what if he never stops smoking? Which is a real possibility. If you are able to come to some sort of peace with that question you might be able to apply it to the everyday situation, while still supporting him in trying to quit. If you are not able to come to peace with it, and it still is not a deal breaker, then it might be something beyond random internet strangers because it will be something you have to deal with on an ongoing basis and not a "here is some tricks to try" answer.
posted by edgeways at 10:27 AM on November 11, 2013

This is a tough situation. You can't expect someone to make the decision to quit smoking at the same time as you. People only quit when they are ready. But at the same time, it is very difficult to try and stay clean when someone near you is continuing the habit.

One thing that I did when I quit smoking was to purposefully not avoid situations where smoking is happening. I made the decision (rightly or wrongly) that I have to be able to see people smoking without it triggering me. It made the initial few weeks of quitting really rough, but as time went on, I really appreciated making that effort.

So I think you have to do two things: stop being disgusted by smoking, since this might be a crutch in your path toward quitting. What happens if you no longer find it disgusting? Will you still be able to not smoke? So focus your efforts to not smoke strictly on your own personal decision to not smoke.

Secondly, the best way to encourage someone to not smoke is to make your feelings known (which you've done) and then leave it alone. He has to make the decision to stop on his own, and stress is a big trigger for almost all cigarette addicts. So the less stressful you can make it for him, the easier it will be for him to quit. This also means being careful not to send any non verbal signals like making the stinky face.

You can keep it up, and he will be able to follow your good, positive example.
posted by gjc at 10:31 AM on November 11, 2013

I would try to remember how you felt about people were judgey about your smoking when you were still a smoker - surely there were quite a few you ran into, yes? - and think about how that sort of thing would feel coming from your partner. You can't force someone to do something, even a thing that logically is obviously the best thing to do. You just can't. You're hurting yourself by creating unnecessary stress and you're hurting your relationship by being judgmental and short-tempered over it. This is something you need to let go for the sake of your sanity and your relationship. He knows you want him to quit. He's going to have to come to it in his own time.
posted by something something at 10:33 AM on November 11, 2013 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Be aware that smoking cessation brings with it: the physical symptoms of depression (disturbed sleep, change in eating patterns), anger, obsessive thinking. You're only a month into this. Your reactions may not be a "real" thought process but simply your brain going into overdrive because it's still in withdrawal. Don't try to understand or explain it, just try to let your emotions pass, at least for a few months. Hard exercise is a good way to release anger.
posted by janey47 at 10:34 AM on November 11, 2013 [7 favorites]

Best answer: My partner smokes sometimes, and we both know it's not good for her and needs to stop some day, but for her a cigarette is something that can help her get through the stress of a tough day. Emotional pain is sort of like a Tetris game, as she described it. The pieces come flying at you and you need to make lines before the board fills up, or else you flip into a mental health crisis. For someone who has developed a dependency to cigarettes as a coping mechanism, a cigarette can clear away some of the board and is maybe a good choice for short-term self-preservation when the pieces start coming fast and the board is filling up. For someone who is badly addicted, not having a cigarette throws more pieces at you. You can make a long-term change to wean yourself off of cigarettes, but only if the pieces come at a manageable pace, and you have lots of empty room before the board gets full, because quitting is going to take a lot of your resources. Expressing disappointment towards your partner's choices really has little bearing on his current level of stress and coping resources and thus his ability to make this change, except that it might make things worse, by increasing pressure.

It is his battle to fight, and the best way to support him is to be supportive in general -- help him build resources, take away sources of stress. If he genuinely wants to quit and is working on it, then your task is to focus on yourself and your own reactions to smoking in your environment. Building this resilience might be a challenge just like quitting smoking and indeed may be a new piece of your own perhaps still-ongoing battle. You could apply some of the same techniques recommended for quitting, with the framing that you are 'quitting getting upset by smoking' -- try to be mindful of the habit of commenting on his smoking, find an alternative outlet instead of indulging that urge, pat yourself on the back every time you manage to let his smoking not affect you emotionally, and so on. And likewise think about your own levels of stress and coping resources in managing this emotional burden.
posted by PercussivePaul at 10:43 AM on November 11, 2013 [2 favorites]

You've only been quit for a month, yet you're looking at Big Life Things relative to quitting. It may help you to "get a grip on how you react and how you feel" to recognise that in additon to the physical and brain changes you're in the throes of right now, there is also a totally typical period of Reform Smoker Evangelism, the same way there often is with people who have just joined AA or recently found Jesus. It tends to settle down. Give yourself some time, and give him a break while you're doing so.

And resist the urge to make your partner's smoking A Project, too... a little mindfulness about your own path to quitting and a recognition that that will not be his path will go a long way.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:57 AM on November 11, 2013 [3 favorites]

Best answer: I "quit" smoking about a year ago with a few relapses of about a week. When I have a cigarette and then go without, I am really crazy and not that generous or nice. You're probably still in quit-mode where you're not quite in control of your emotions.
posted by stoneandstar at 12:25 PM on November 11, 2013

I recently posted a question about smoking. People recommended electronic cigs (as a suggestion for my partner to quit smoking indoors). I emailed my partner a link to an e-cig retailer, and left the decision totally in his hands. I was very surprised when he ordered the e-cigs the next day, immediately took to them, and cut down on real smoking by 50% or more right away. So-- that's a thought. I was skeptical but it's proven to be a really effective alternative.
posted by little_dog_laughing at 9:25 PM on November 11, 2013

FWIW, I completely quit smoking a pack a day without even meaning to by ordering a 'professional' ecig (one that doesn't look like a cigarette). It arrived in the post and I quit tobacco that very moment, nicotine a couple of months later, although I still have a puff every now and then. Can he see if he doesn't prefer ecig liquid to tobacco? It's a small investment to make, and seems to work for a lot of people. As far as I/anyone knows, there are no downsides to switching, and no adverse health effects to smoking ecigs.
posted by Spanner Nic at 7:45 AM on November 12, 2013

Response by poster: Thanks for the e-cig recommendations, very interesting!
posted by ohmy at 1:57 PM on November 12, 2013