Trusting after past abuse
November 9, 2013 5:42 AM Subscribe
I'm already in therapy. What can I do on my own, when I interact with others, so I won't feel so guarded? I'm noticing that despite a lot of healing from my past relationship, including EMDR, I continue to be very cautious and awkward with people. I feel vulnerable and expect to be criticized and rejected. The walls I'm putting up are leading me to a feeling of loneliness. How can I go back to being my authentic, warm, openhearted self?
I've noticed the following things trigger me to feel angry or insecure:
-People noticing my mild physical disability (not readily apparent, but noticeable over time). My ex made a huge big deal out of it, calling me "crippled" and "defective." I know he was insane for saying that but my mind jumps to the shame I felt when he berated me for it, over and over, after depriving me of sleep and food.
-People who know the story already asking for further details about the relationship. I feel a lot of shame and like I am being judged as damaged goods or that I have red flags like being needy/insecure/desperate for being with an abuser. Friends reassure me that people are asking just to see how I'm doing because they care. I clam up and get very defensive, which might make it seem like I'm not over him or something. I feel like I have to prove that my identity isn't "the girl who was abused."
-A guy that I have an interest in mentioning another woman friend, or talking to another attractive woman in my presence, triggers me to jump to all kinds of jealous conclusions about how he must like her more than me. My ex used to compare me unfavorably to other women. My mind just goes bonkers when this happens and I find myself involuntarily projecting that this guy is a jerk and a player who must just find me pathetic--the "I'll reject him before he rejects me" syndrome. Rationally, I know this guy is actually a very nice person and he does seem to have some interest in me. I just can't let down my guard with him and feel awkward much of the time. I can't allow myself to show my romantic interest in him due to fear of rejection so I probably seem kind of standoffish.
-When a new acquaintance asks what brought me to town, I freeze like a deer in the headlights. What brought me to where I now live was fleeing my abuser. I don't have a ready answer.
-A general wariness of people and a desire to keep them at arm's length, but a longing for connection. I won't be able to get closer to people if I push them away or isolate.
I've noticed the following things trigger me to feel angry or insecure:
-People noticing my mild physical disability (not readily apparent, but noticeable over time). My ex made a huge big deal out of it, calling me "crippled" and "defective." I know he was insane for saying that but my mind jumps to the shame I felt when he berated me for it, over and over, after depriving me of sleep and food.
-People who know the story already asking for further details about the relationship. I feel a lot of shame and like I am being judged as damaged goods or that I have red flags like being needy/insecure/desperate for being with an abuser. Friends reassure me that people are asking just to see how I'm doing because they care. I clam up and get very defensive, which might make it seem like I'm not over him or something. I feel like I have to prove that my identity isn't "the girl who was abused."
-A guy that I have an interest in mentioning another woman friend, or talking to another attractive woman in my presence, triggers me to jump to all kinds of jealous conclusions about how he must like her more than me. My ex used to compare me unfavorably to other women. My mind just goes bonkers when this happens and I find myself involuntarily projecting that this guy is a jerk and a player who must just find me pathetic--the "I'll reject him before he rejects me" syndrome. Rationally, I know this guy is actually a very nice person and he does seem to have some interest in me. I just can't let down my guard with him and feel awkward much of the time. I can't allow myself to show my romantic interest in him due to fear of rejection so I probably seem kind of standoffish.
-When a new acquaintance asks what brought me to town, I freeze like a deer in the headlights. What brought me to where I now live was fleeing my abuser. I don't have a ready answer.
-A general wariness of people and a desire to keep them at arm's length, but a longing for connection. I won't be able to get closer to people if I push them away or isolate.
Best answer: First off, it sounds like you're doing really really well. I know it might not feel like that right now, but: you're only a few months out of a terrible, abusive, mindfuck of a relationship, and you are rebuilding your life, and this is a big massive thing it will take a while to fully recover from. So please don't feel like your warm, trusting self is gone for good, or that feeling angry and vulnerable are just things you'll have to deal with indefinitely now. You're recovering from an emotional car crash and it's perfectly normal to be limping for a while.
I am about ten years out of my own abusive relationship. I went through a phase of feeling like, okay, I'm past the worst of it and I'm no longer crying all the time and he's gone for good and I have my own place now but argh I still isolate myself and act really jumpy around people, what if I'm broken forever? And I wasn't and I'm fine now, of course. But I think it's quite normal, when you've had to be so proactive about so much of the relationship (leaving in the first place, fighting the urge to get back in touch, taking all the steps to rebuild your life), to feel less capable of knowing how to deal with the parts of healing that just... take time.
So, yeah. Step 1: give yourself a break.
As for what helped me deal with the vulnerability and anger when I was going through it myself:
- Having set lines for answers to specific questions that might make me panic/get snappy. I'd recommend deciding what you want to say in response to "so, what brought you to town?" and practicing saying it to yourself a few times first, to make sure you're okay with how it sounds and how open it is/isn't to inviting further conversation (and what response it's likely to get). You can say as much or as little as you like; you can say "Getting away from my hideously abusive ex" if you want to, and you totally have the right to do that, but you can also say "Bad breakup, rather not talk about it" or "Eh, long story" or "I really like the museums" or whatever, and follow it up with something that redirects the conversation ("so, how long have you been living here?") The important part for me was knowing in advance what I was going to say in response to questions/comments I knew would be tough.
- In response to people who wanted further details about the relationship, and feeling judged by them: again, it helped to know I could say as much or as little as I liked, they didn't have a right to any more of my story than I wanted to tell. "I don't want to talk about it" or "Maybe another time" or "Look, you've asked me that three times now - it's really painful for me to discuss, can't we talk about the weather or something instead?" is fine.
- Realising, and accepting, that people (even well-meaning ones you're close to) are often pretty useless about providing support in the aftermath of someone else's abusive relationship. It's not their fault, necessarily; they just don't know what to say or do, and that's all tangled up with frequently not having a clue about how abusive relationships work. So people will ask intrusive questions because they're trying to understand, and have all sorts of weird assumptions about how you felt and feel or about what happened. Remind yourself: it is not your job to walk people through this. It is not your job to prove anything about yourself here. I appreciate how infuriating it is to think that someone is seeing you mainly as That Girl Who Was Abused, or as That Girl Who Is Not Over Her Ex (I ended up having to distance myself from some friends for a couple of years because of that one, sigh), but again: all you can really do is have pre-rehearsed lines for heading off conversations you don't want to have, and accept that it is neither your job nor within your power to control how everyone sees you, even when they're totally wrong.
- Staying single for a good long while until I felt like relationships were a fun idea again. My idea of a good long while might differ from yours - I loved being single, so I ended up not getting even casually involved with anyone for a couple of years and not getting into another serious relationship for about five. But however long it takes you, accept that you're going to be raw and tender in the area of romantic partners getting close to you for a while, and accept that feeling when it comes to guys you like. So don't tell yourself "argh, this is a really good guy and I know he likes me and yet I'm pushing him away what is wrong with me will I never be whole again," tell yourself "oh right, I'm doing that pushing-him-away thing - maybe this is too soon to get close, maybe I should keep romantic relationships with this guy off the table for a while, or maybe I just need to be upfront with him about it and stride right on through", or whatever works for you. Just don't feel like you need to be ready for relationships, however serious, before you are in fact ready for relationships.
- Accepting that my survival strategies - feeling guarded, keeping my distance from other people, pruning my social group right down to a few people I could trust and only letting new ones in gradually as and when I felt ready for it - were indeed survival strategies because I was still hypersensitive about the abuse, and that that was okay. Right then, in that moment, that was what I needed. It wouldn't always be the case. So when you feel yourself keeping people at a distance, I would strongly recommend not fighting that urge too much, and letting yourself get that needed feeling of connection from wherever it does feel safe to get it (even if that's only one person, or a totally new social group, or - like for me - an online-only group where people will always be at some form of distance).
Also, smaller/odder things that, looking back, really marked turning points for me in how in-control I felt over this process:
- the first time I said "I don't want to talk about it" in response to someone asking me about the relationship, and changed the subject.
- the time I confronted a friend about using me as an example of someone who was "too hurt for relationships for years", in her conversation with someone else. That was very emphatically not my perception of my life at the time - I was single through choice and very happy about it, and not exactly celibate either. I told her I found it inaccurate and really bloody annoying that she'd tell my story as if she knew it better than me, and to someone else to boot, and she apologised and never did it again.
- the time an old mutual friend of mine and Ex's told me about Ex seeing someone else, in this really cautious "uh this might be difficult for you to hear because I know the end of that relationship was really hard for you" way, and I burst out laughing.
- the first time I felt comfortable enough to ask a partner to not use a particular word, or not touch me in a particular way, and not in a let-me-disclose-all-the-painful-details-of-my-past way - more in the sense of just "Please don't do X, I have bad experiences with that," end of discussion.
You will never be exactly your old self again. This relationship, and this whole experience, will have changed you in some ways. Mine certainly did. But it did not change me in the ways I was afraid it was going to at the time - it did not make me less open, less warm, or less willing to get close to people, and it did not make me bitter and cynical. If anything it made me less bitter and cynical because I realised I didn't have to be so overwhelmingly miserable any more; it made me more fearless about taking romantic risks in getting close to people, because now I know that if I could get through that I can get through anything; it made me more confident in myself, and more compassionate about other people's experiences. I would be willing to bet that you will find many of these things and more to be true for you, too.
posted by Catseye at 7:12 AM on November 9, 2013 [12 favorites]
I am about ten years out of my own abusive relationship. I went through a phase of feeling like, okay, I'm past the worst of it and I'm no longer crying all the time and he's gone for good and I have my own place now but argh I still isolate myself and act really jumpy around people, what if I'm broken forever? And I wasn't and I'm fine now, of course. But I think it's quite normal, when you've had to be so proactive about so much of the relationship (leaving in the first place, fighting the urge to get back in touch, taking all the steps to rebuild your life), to feel less capable of knowing how to deal with the parts of healing that just... take time.
So, yeah. Step 1: give yourself a break.
As for what helped me deal with the vulnerability and anger when I was going through it myself:
- Having set lines for answers to specific questions that might make me panic/get snappy. I'd recommend deciding what you want to say in response to "so, what brought you to town?" and practicing saying it to yourself a few times first, to make sure you're okay with how it sounds and how open it is/isn't to inviting further conversation (and what response it's likely to get). You can say as much or as little as you like; you can say "Getting away from my hideously abusive ex" if you want to, and you totally have the right to do that, but you can also say "Bad breakup, rather not talk about it" or "Eh, long story" or "I really like the museums" or whatever, and follow it up with something that redirects the conversation ("so, how long have you been living here?") The important part for me was knowing in advance what I was going to say in response to questions/comments I knew would be tough.
- In response to people who wanted further details about the relationship, and feeling judged by them: again, it helped to know I could say as much or as little as I liked, they didn't have a right to any more of my story than I wanted to tell. "I don't want to talk about it" or "Maybe another time" or "Look, you've asked me that three times now - it's really painful for me to discuss, can't we talk about the weather or something instead?" is fine.
- Realising, and accepting, that people (even well-meaning ones you're close to) are often pretty useless about providing support in the aftermath of someone else's abusive relationship. It's not their fault, necessarily; they just don't know what to say or do, and that's all tangled up with frequently not having a clue about how abusive relationships work. So people will ask intrusive questions because they're trying to understand, and have all sorts of weird assumptions about how you felt and feel or about what happened. Remind yourself: it is not your job to walk people through this. It is not your job to prove anything about yourself here. I appreciate how infuriating it is to think that someone is seeing you mainly as That Girl Who Was Abused, or as That Girl Who Is Not Over Her Ex (I ended up having to distance myself from some friends for a couple of years because of that one, sigh), but again: all you can really do is have pre-rehearsed lines for heading off conversations you don't want to have, and accept that it is neither your job nor within your power to control how everyone sees you, even when they're totally wrong.
- Staying single for a good long while until I felt like relationships were a fun idea again. My idea of a good long while might differ from yours - I loved being single, so I ended up not getting even casually involved with anyone for a couple of years and not getting into another serious relationship for about five. But however long it takes you, accept that you're going to be raw and tender in the area of romantic partners getting close to you for a while, and accept that feeling when it comes to guys you like. So don't tell yourself "argh, this is a really good guy and I know he likes me and yet I'm pushing him away what is wrong with me will I never be whole again," tell yourself "oh right, I'm doing that pushing-him-away thing - maybe this is too soon to get close, maybe I should keep romantic relationships with this guy off the table for a while, or maybe I just need to be upfront with him about it and stride right on through", or whatever works for you. Just don't feel like you need to be ready for relationships, however serious, before you are in fact ready for relationships.
- Accepting that my survival strategies - feeling guarded, keeping my distance from other people, pruning my social group right down to a few people I could trust and only letting new ones in gradually as and when I felt ready for it - were indeed survival strategies because I was still hypersensitive about the abuse, and that that was okay. Right then, in that moment, that was what I needed. It wouldn't always be the case. So when you feel yourself keeping people at a distance, I would strongly recommend not fighting that urge too much, and letting yourself get that needed feeling of connection from wherever it does feel safe to get it (even if that's only one person, or a totally new social group, or - like for me - an online-only group where people will always be at some form of distance).
Also, smaller/odder things that, looking back, really marked turning points for me in how in-control I felt over this process:
- the first time I said "I don't want to talk about it" in response to someone asking me about the relationship, and changed the subject.
- the time I confronted a friend about using me as an example of someone who was "too hurt for relationships for years", in her conversation with someone else. That was very emphatically not my perception of my life at the time - I was single through choice and very happy about it, and not exactly celibate either. I told her I found it inaccurate and really bloody annoying that she'd tell my story as if she knew it better than me, and to someone else to boot, and she apologised and never did it again.
- the time an old mutual friend of mine and Ex's told me about Ex seeing someone else, in this really cautious "uh this might be difficult for you to hear because I know the end of that relationship was really hard for you" way, and I burst out laughing.
- the first time I felt comfortable enough to ask a partner to not use a particular word, or not touch me in a particular way, and not in a let-me-disclose-all-the-painful-details-of-my-past way - more in the sense of just "Please don't do X, I have bad experiences with that," end of discussion.
You will never be exactly your old self again. This relationship, and this whole experience, will have changed you in some ways. Mine certainly did. But it did not change me in the ways I was afraid it was going to at the time - it did not make me less open, less warm, or less willing to get close to people, and it did not make me bitter and cynical. If anything it made me less bitter and cynical because I realised I didn't have to be so overwhelmingly miserable any more; it made me more fearless about taking romantic risks in getting close to people, because now I know that if I could get through that I can get through anything; it made me more confident in myself, and more compassionate about other people's experiences. I would be willing to bet that you will find many of these things and more to be true for you, too.
posted by Catseye at 7:12 AM on November 9, 2013 [12 favorites]
Best answer: Oh, I know what you speak of all too keenly, Rainflower. First, hugs and love to you. This is so hard. Congrats on the therapy and EMDR and above all on LEAVING. You did it!!! YOU DID IT! Sometimes just telling myself that - "sockermom, you did it!" - can brighten me up and give me strength even on a bad day. The hard part is over. I will never be abused again, and neither will you. You know, now, what to look for, what to see, how to leave. You know how to leave.
On to my answers:
1. My ex also deprived me of sleep and food, and I also have a chronic illness that - while it is not visible - he made fun of and was very cruel to me about. This is still so hard for me. I feel a lot of shame about my illness (which I cannot control, just as you cannot control yours). He told me I would never be loved by anyone but him because I was a burden. One thing that helps me with this pain is exercise - feeling like I am actually strong in my body and that my body works for me, rather than telling myself I am ill and frail and sick - that is helpful.
2. The disclosure aspect of this whole thing has been something I have very much struggled with throughout the process. Now, when people ask and I don't want to talk about it, I say "I am doing really well! Thanks for asking! I don't really want to talk about it too much right now, though. I've found that talking about it is actually hindering my healing process. I'm sure you understand." And that's true, too - the less I talk about it, the less it is a force in my life. When I am only thinking about it and not talking about it I am able to say "ok thoughts, nice to see you, now move along" but talking about it means that I am giving control over how much I think about it to someone else in some ways, which I don't like. So - if you don't want to talk, you can just say so, and if you say it nicely with a smile on? That will go a long way.
Also, you have nothing to prove. I promise you. You are a strong, capable, amazing woman - trust me, I know how strong you are. Leaving an abuser is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and I've had a life full of hardship. So when I start having thoughts to myself about "oh I am the girl who was abused and that is how people see me" I turn those thoughts around and say "I am the girl who WAS abused but LOOK AT ME NOW" and that helps.
3. Maybe you are not ready to date yet? That is OK. I know that I jumped into a relationship much too quickly and in many ways I was not ready. When my ex started spending time with another woman and I know it was only as friends, I still got very, very jealous - I was punishing him for the sins of my abuser. It was MY issue. And that's OK - it's OK to have issues. I would consider talking through your trust issues in therapy. It is going to be very hard to trust a man again, Rainflower - at least I know it is going to be for me, anyhow. So I might suggest that you spend less time with this guy who talks about other women and more time with YOU and your girlfriends and people who do not trigger this in you, while at the same time working through the issues behind that trigger with a trusted therapist or support group. You will trust again - but don't push yourself to do it too early. We cannot push or force ourselves. Be kind to Rainflower here.
4. Come up with a few stock answers that are not "to run away from a man who was abusing me" - things like "the job market here is better" or "I love the weather here" or even "I was looking for a new adventure" (that last one is probably very true - you WERE looking for a new adventure) or even "I was looking to start a new life and I figured this was the place to do it!" You can answer this honestly without mentioning your abuse. The key here might be to figure out truthful reasons that you chose to move to this place that do not involve your abuser.
5. Yes, I hear you here. This will just take time. Support groups might be really, really good for you, because you all have that shared "survivors of abuse" connection that can allow you to practice building intimacy in a safe space. It's OK. I do not know how to do this either. We will just be learning it together, although in separate spaces. It helps me, anyhow, to know that there are other women out there struggling with this same thing. We may feel alone and not connected to people, but there is this connection between survivors that is palpable to me. Also you might look into doing something like volunteering at an animal shelter, or adopting a pet. Being close to animals is so easy for me - it is so much safer, they are just full of pure, unadulterated, non-judgmental, unconditional love. This has been very helpful for me, anyhow.
How can I go back to being my authentic, warm, openhearted self?
Oh, I don't know if there is an answer to this, sweetheart. I am sorry. Someday I think you will look up at the sun and smile and feel the wind in your hair and happiness deep in your bones, you will feel warm and openhearted and truly yourself - but you have changed. You will never be the person you were before the abuse. I will not, either. I miss her, the old me, sometimes. I understand. But no one is the same person they were yesterday, darling. No one is. Some of us have been changed by forces beyond our control - abuse, a tragic death, a sudden diagnosis of a fatal illness, a miscarriage... - I mean that life is beyond our control and no matter what you do you will not ever be a survivor. But... you are a SURVIVOR. Embrace yourself. You are wonderful.
Much love to you. You did it! YOU DID IT, and you are still doing it, every day. Another survivor, three years out, once said to me that she always thinks she is done with the wounds, that she is back to herself again, and then something new crops up - and I hear her, I understand what she means, but I see that as a blessing and not a curse. We are always changing. We are always going to be dealing with things, abuse or not. We are human, and our job as humans is to grow and change and cope and deal. And you are doing that job.
Be kind to yourself. This is hard. Draw yourself a bath, have a hot cup of tea, read a lovely book, go for a walk, pet an animal, have a drink with a friend... do kind things for yourself. You are free.
posted by sockermom at 9:44 AM on November 9, 2013 [11 favorites]
On to my answers:
1. My ex also deprived me of sleep and food, and I also have a chronic illness that - while it is not visible - he made fun of and was very cruel to me about. This is still so hard for me. I feel a lot of shame about my illness (which I cannot control, just as you cannot control yours). He told me I would never be loved by anyone but him because I was a burden. One thing that helps me with this pain is exercise - feeling like I am actually strong in my body and that my body works for me, rather than telling myself I am ill and frail and sick - that is helpful.
2. The disclosure aspect of this whole thing has been something I have very much struggled with throughout the process. Now, when people ask and I don't want to talk about it, I say "I am doing really well! Thanks for asking! I don't really want to talk about it too much right now, though. I've found that talking about it is actually hindering my healing process. I'm sure you understand." And that's true, too - the less I talk about it, the less it is a force in my life. When I am only thinking about it and not talking about it I am able to say "ok thoughts, nice to see you, now move along" but talking about it means that I am giving control over how much I think about it to someone else in some ways, which I don't like. So - if you don't want to talk, you can just say so, and if you say it nicely with a smile on? That will go a long way.
Also, you have nothing to prove. I promise you. You are a strong, capable, amazing woman - trust me, I know how strong you are. Leaving an abuser is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and I've had a life full of hardship. So when I start having thoughts to myself about "oh I am the girl who was abused and that is how people see me" I turn those thoughts around and say "I am the girl who WAS abused but LOOK AT ME NOW" and that helps.
3. Maybe you are not ready to date yet? That is OK. I know that I jumped into a relationship much too quickly and in many ways I was not ready. When my ex started spending time with another woman and I know it was only as friends, I still got very, very jealous - I was punishing him for the sins of my abuser. It was MY issue. And that's OK - it's OK to have issues. I would consider talking through your trust issues in therapy. It is going to be very hard to trust a man again, Rainflower - at least I know it is going to be for me, anyhow. So I might suggest that you spend less time with this guy who talks about other women and more time with YOU and your girlfriends and people who do not trigger this in you, while at the same time working through the issues behind that trigger with a trusted therapist or support group. You will trust again - but don't push yourself to do it too early. We cannot push or force ourselves. Be kind to Rainflower here.
4. Come up with a few stock answers that are not "to run away from a man who was abusing me" - things like "the job market here is better" or "I love the weather here" or even "I was looking for a new adventure" (that last one is probably very true - you WERE looking for a new adventure) or even "I was looking to start a new life and I figured this was the place to do it!" You can answer this honestly without mentioning your abuse. The key here might be to figure out truthful reasons that you chose to move to this place that do not involve your abuser.
5. Yes, I hear you here. This will just take time. Support groups might be really, really good for you, because you all have that shared "survivors of abuse" connection that can allow you to practice building intimacy in a safe space. It's OK. I do not know how to do this either. We will just be learning it together, although in separate spaces. It helps me, anyhow, to know that there are other women out there struggling with this same thing. We may feel alone and not connected to people, but there is this connection between survivors that is palpable to me. Also you might look into doing something like volunteering at an animal shelter, or adopting a pet. Being close to animals is so easy for me - it is so much safer, they are just full of pure, unadulterated, non-judgmental, unconditional love. This has been very helpful for me, anyhow.
How can I go back to being my authentic, warm, openhearted self?
Oh, I don't know if there is an answer to this, sweetheart. I am sorry. Someday I think you will look up at the sun and smile and feel the wind in your hair and happiness deep in your bones, you will feel warm and openhearted and truly yourself - but you have changed. You will never be the person you were before the abuse. I will not, either. I miss her, the old me, sometimes. I understand. But no one is the same person they were yesterday, darling. No one is. Some of us have been changed by forces beyond our control - abuse, a tragic death, a sudden diagnosis of a fatal illness, a miscarriage... - I mean that life is beyond our control and no matter what you do you will not ever be a survivor. But... you are a SURVIVOR. Embrace yourself. You are wonderful.
Much love to you. You did it! YOU DID IT, and you are still doing it, every day. Another survivor, three years out, once said to me that she always thinks she is done with the wounds, that she is back to herself again, and then something new crops up - and I hear her, I understand what she means, but I see that as a blessing and not a curse. We are always changing. We are always going to be dealing with things, abuse or not. We are human, and our job as humans is to grow and change and cope and deal. And you are doing that job.
Be kind to yourself. This is hard. Draw yourself a bath, have a hot cup of tea, read a lovely book, go for a walk, pet an animal, have a drink with a friend... do kind things for yourself. You are free.
posted by sockermom at 9:44 AM on November 9, 2013 [11 favorites]
It hasn't been very long since you left your abusive relationship. I know it sounds like a cliche, but it's going to take time and then some more time to unlearn your responses to your ex. Please do not blame yourself for not "getting over it" or "getting back to your old self" sooner. You've been traumatized and you don't heal from that overnight. I agree with the commenter upthread that you seem to be making good progress.
I could detail some interventions here, but it'd be best if you worked with your therapist to develop some jointly. For instance, he or she could role play you being introduced to a new acquaintance so you won't get that Bambi feeling. You could also rehearse responses to the well-meaning people who press you for more details of your past relationship. It sounds hokey but it actually does work. For myself, I do like to have some answers that just end discussion right away, such as "I'm not in a space to talk about that yet, thanks anyway" or "I'll let you know if I feel like discussing it." If someone is just flat out pushy, I might say "Why do you want to know?" and let them own their nosiness or shut up.
As far as assumptions go about any new guy, it sounds like you're being triggered when he pays attention to someone else. No wonder, because your ex was an asshat and did asshat things. But you want to be around this new person and in the present and react to the present instead of past events. Maybe you and your therapist could work on some grounding techniques to re-anchor you into the present and help you be less reactive.
I feel like I should say too that you're still gonna run into people who behave badly and I hope you will be careful not to think you're "overrreacting" all the time.
The anxiety specialist Dr. Claire Weekes did not like to tell her clients to "be patient" because she felt it was annoying. She did say, however, "Let time pass." So keep going to therapy, keep doing positive, active stuff, and let time pass. Make new, good memories when you can to crowd out the old and bad. That's the best medicine I can think of.
I also hope you will keep posting here when you need a sounding board. You can memail me if you like.
Rooting for you.
posted by sister nunchaku of love and mercy at 10:12 AM on November 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
I could detail some interventions here, but it'd be best if you worked with your therapist to develop some jointly. For instance, he or she could role play you being introduced to a new acquaintance so you won't get that Bambi feeling. You could also rehearse responses to the well-meaning people who press you for more details of your past relationship. It sounds hokey but it actually does work. For myself, I do like to have some answers that just end discussion right away, such as "I'm not in a space to talk about that yet, thanks anyway" or "I'll let you know if I feel like discussing it." If someone is just flat out pushy, I might say "Why do you want to know?" and let them own their nosiness or shut up.
As far as assumptions go about any new guy, it sounds like you're being triggered when he pays attention to someone else. No wonder, because your ex was an asshat and did asshat things. But you want to be around this new person and in the present and react to the present instead of past events. Maybe you and your therapist could work on some grounding techniques to re-anchor you into the present and help you be less reactive.
I feel like I should say too that you're still gonna run into people who behave badly and I hope you will be careful not to think you're "overrreacting" all the time.
The anxiety specialist Dr. Claire Weekes did not like to tell her clients to "be patient" because she felt it was annoying. She did say, however, "Let time pass." So keep going to therapy, keep doing positive, active stuff, and let time pass. Make new, good memories when you can to crowd out the old and bad. That's the best medicine I can think of.
I also hope you will keep posting here when you need a sounding board. You can memail me if you like.
Rooting for you.
posted by sister nunchaku of love and mercy at 10:12 AM on November 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
Give it time.
Come up with some stock answers to questions or statements that remind you of your ex. For your disability you might have a "Oh yeah, that's [THING]. It's not a big deal, I just have to [ACTION] instead of [ACTION] sometimes" statement, and then you could have a couple of stock subject-changers if you want to change the subject.
People who are close enough to you to know the story should be ok with hearing "Hey, it's sweet of you to ask but I'd just rather not think about that. Hey, are you still thinking about getting a new puppy?"
What did bring you to town? You could have fled to many towns, but you had a reason to pick this town instead. Job, friends, family, good museums? Go with that.
It's ok to be wary and long for connection at the same time. Let trust build over time, and be patient with yourself and others. In time I think the business with your ex will seem less and less immediate and it will stop being the first thing that springs to your mind.
It helps me to know that when things are too overwhelming I can walk away. If someone is unknowingly probing into an uncomfortable subject, you can say "Hang on, I have to - " refill your drink, go to the bathroom, look for a friend, call your mom.
One more additional thought - not every question needs a direct and honest answer. Your response to "How did you wind up in town?" could be "Did you know that this town has more raccoons per capita than any other town in the country? Yeah, I love it here. I gotta say it's been hard to find good soft-serve yogurt, though." Most people are just asking to make conversation, and you can participate in the conversation without discussing things you don't care to discuss.
posted by bunderful at 10:20 AM on November 9, 2013
Come up with some stock answers to questions or statements that remind you of your ex. For your disability you might have a "Oh yeah, that's [THING]. It's not a big deal, I just have to [ACTION] instead of [ACTION] sometimes" statement, and then you could have a couple of stock subject-changers if you want to change the subject.
People who are close enough to you to know the story should be ok with hearing "Hey, it's sweet of you to ask but I'd just rather not think about that. Hey, are you still thinking about getting a new puppy?"
What did bring you to town? You could have fled to many towns, but you had a reason to pick this town instead. Job, friends, family, good museums? Go with that.
It's ok to be wary and long for connection at the same time. Let trust build over time, and be patient with yourself and others. In time I think the business with your ex will seem less and less immediate and it will stop being the first thing that springs to your mind.
It helps me to know that when things are too overwhelming I can walk away. If someone is unknowingly probing into an uncomfortable subject, you can say "Hang on, I have to - " refill your drink, go to the bathroom, look for a friend, call your mom.
One more additional thought - not every question needs a direct and honest answer. Your response to "How did you wind up in town?" could be "Did you know that this town has more raccoons per capita than any other town in the country? Yeah, I love it here. I gotta say it's been hard to find good soft-serve yogurt, though." Most people are just asking to make conversation, and you can participate in the conversation without discussing things you don't care to discuss.
posted by bunderful at 10:20 AM on November 9, 2013
People who know the story already asking for further details about the relationship.
I am trying to move in a more positive direction with my life, so I really don't want to focus on what's happened in the past.
When a new acquaintance asks what brought me to town, I freeze like a deer in the headlights. What brought me to where I now live was fleeing my abuser. I don't have a ready answer.
I wanted to do something new with my life, have a new adventure, this seemed like an interesting place to experience something new.
A general wariness of people and a desire to keep them at arm's length, but a longing for connection. I won't be able to get closer to people if I push them away or isolate.
No, but you also have to be ready for it. There's no point in pushing forward if there's some part of you that's not ready. You've left a toxic relationship and moved to a new city. You can give yourself some breathing space.
Trust is not really about trusting other people, it's about trusting yourself to be able to deal with other people. That takes time to build. Your reactions are survival habits that you're very aware of so it will not take a lot to change them, it will just take a bit of time.
posted by heyjude at 7:33 PM on November 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
I am trying to move in a more positive direction with my life, so I really don't want to focus on what's happened in the past.
When a new acquaintance asks what brought me to town, I freeze like a deer in the headlights. What brought me to where I now live was fleeing my abuser. I don't have a ready answer.
I wanted to do something new with my life, have a new adventure, this seemed like an interesting place to experience something new.
A general wariness of people and a desire to keep them at arm's length, but a longing for connection. I won't be able to get closer to people if I push them away or isolate.
No, but you also have to be ready for it. There's no point in pushing forward if there's some part of you that's not ready. You've left a toxic relationship and moved to a new city. You can give yourself some breathing space.
Trust is not really about trusting other people, it's about trusting yourself to be able to deal with other people. That takes time to build. Your reactions are survival habits that you're very aware of so it will not take a lot to change them, it will just take a bit of time.
posted by heyjude at 7:33 PM on November 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
When people ask for details, you smiles and say "You know, I'm really working on getting past that and I would really rather not talk about it, but thanks for asking."
When new people ask what brought you to town, have a friendly, vague prepared answer: "Oh, I grew up in Big Town; I've always wanted to live in a small town" (or the opposite) or "Oh, an ex an I broke up and I just wanted a fresh start" are fine. You don't owe people anything specific or even truthful.
You can practice in the mirror so that these become less triggering for you, too.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:36 AM on November 9, 2013 [2 favorites]